¦ · farms feeling the crunch 1. problems secret 2. unaffordable lifestyle pressures 3. ... •...

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Mary PeabodyETC Co-DirectorUniversity of [email protected]

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Ten Tools for Talking AboutTough Issues

Elaine Froese Certified Coach


Farms feeling the crunch

1. problems secret2. Unaffordable lifestyle pressures3. Too busy …no time to plan4. Juggling job and farm work5. Fear of forced exit6. Fragmented family life


•What do you need to begin ?

The Neutral ZONE William Bridges

• What needs to end ?


“When I listen, people talk.”Anonymous


Communication Styles

Pierre Casse says• Focus on results first…direct• State best recommendation…decisive• Be brief…impatience• Be practical…down to earth• Use visuals


Process Communication Style

• State the facts precisely• Logical order to presentation… history,

present, outcome• Break down recommendations• Options…pros & cons• Don’t rush me• Outline proposal. 1.2.3.


People Person

• Chat• Stress relationships with people &

proposal• How ideas worked before• Support from respected folks• Informal writing style


Idea Oriented Communication

• Have time• Be patient with tangents• Be conceptual• Stress uniqueness• Emphasize future impact, value.• Start with big picture, key concepts.


What is your communication style?


Talk about tough issues…• Discuss the undiscussabull ™

•Your “undiscussabulls…”


Discuss the undiscussabull.

Communicate about conflict bumps• trust, • work style,• letting go, power struggles• ownership, expansion• management transition,• fairness,• daughter-in-law, space, differing values and

expectations.


The Grand Adventure…Age

• 20…making it… independence• 30…success, mastery exhausting!• 40…taking charge security, recognition• 50…quality of living simplify, competency• 60…legacy, starting over future $ health• 70…mentoring meaningful life• 80…elderhood, blessing deal with death• 90…hand it all over authority


Understand your age needs

• How old are you?• Dad is looking for stability,security• Junior wants independence• Each decade has choices and tasks.

The need for control, to be in charge with pride and stubborness is the 3rd main obstacle to planning. (Tom Hubler)


Plan to talk about change.


Relational Tools

• APPRECIATE• TRUST• Lack of appreciation & recognition is the

number one stumbling block in succession planning (Tom Hubler)

love

ownershipprofit


Emotional Factors Affecting Planning…For Founder

• Fear of aging and dying• Enjoys daily farm stuff• Change of status, identity• Rivalry with next generation• Loss of control


Why Dad (or Mom ) won’t talk…• Scared• Nothing to look forward to• Last great idea was shot down• His back hurts• His love tank is dry• Self worth is based on action• He doesn’t know he is ill• His timing is different• He is not a reader• Hates counselors


Emotional Factors Affecting Planning for Spouse

• Impact on marriage.• Fear of aging and dying• Changing role & status• Financial security attitudes• Caring for others• Dying parents


Emotional Factors of Planning for the Adult Children

• Avoiding autonomy• Responsibility…family demands• Financial independence• Self-doubt• Guilt• Competitiveness• Fear of parent dying• Conflict about inheritance• Different goals for the farm business


Daughter-in law

• Respect differences• Recognition of skills• Clarify expectations• Healthy boundaries• Scarcity or abundance mindset• No gossip triangles• Mother of your legacy…grandkids


Develop conflict mechanisms

• Care enough to confront• Understand underlying issues• Avoidance is death• Forgiveness is huge. Lack of forgiveness is the 2nd biggest obstacle to

succession planning.(Tom Hubler)


Your Conflict Attitude…

• Avoidance• Accomodating• Competing• Compromising• Collaborating• Historical orientation or present…• Rapport and report.


Your Conflict Attitude…

• Avoidance low commitment• Accomodating relationship important• Competing win at all costs…• Compromising middle of the road• Collaborating win with people and goals


Building Trust Dr. John Fast

• Comfort , security• Fairness• Future optimism• Commitment, loyalty• Common vision• Motivation• Communication• Accountability• Respect, cooperation• Quality relationships• Higher productivity

• Anxiety, insecurity• Misuse of power• Future is uncertain• Eroding commitment• Personal agenda• Decreased motivation• No listening or openness• Self-protection, blaming• Unhealthy competition• Increased conflict• Lower productivity


Need for Control…Resistance Rick Maurer

• I don’t like your idea, I don’t get it.• I feel lousy about this, I don’t like it.• Are you sure it will work ? I don’t trust you.


Why don’t you want what I want ?

HEAD…Understand I get it !HEART… feels good I like it !GUT…trust it works I trust you!


Family Plans Dr. John Fast

• Family meetings safe place, policies,plans• Financial and estate income stream• Crisis death disability• Business Education… life long learning


Biz & Ownership Plans J.Fast

• Management succession grooming the successor.

• Strategic business flexibility• Business systems improvement• Ownership succession control • Shareholders plan honour family legacy• Board of Directors expectations


Ask for help to get unstuck…safe space, regular meetings, advisors, conflict resolution, code of conduct

attitude

perspective

self talk


10 Tools for Tough Issues1. TAKE CHARGE2. Come from curiosity.3. Ask deeply.4. Play with possibility5. Really listen6. Ponder and perk, not prod.7. Cultivate trust8. Respect boundaries9. We all end up in a box10. Extend the olive branch


TAKE CHARGE

• Only you change you• Timeliness is key!


Come from curiosity

• “I’m curious about…”• Identify conflict style

& triggers• Seek common ground• Make a request• Clarify


ASK DEEPLY

• Listen• Ask open-ended

questions• Describe feelings

• Be soft on the personand hard on the problem


Play with Possibility

• Use a talking stick• Be positive• Don’t pre-judge


Really Listen

• Build understanding by checking assumptions

• Explore interests and feelings


Ponder and Perk, not Prod

• Digest, sift, give yourself time and space to think

• Consider the other’s perspective.

• “Is there anything else?”


Cultivate Trust

• Build confidence • Be accountable• Culture of fairness,

respect & commitment


Respect Boundaries

• Clear roles…Dad or Boss?

• Family or business issue

• Guidelines for job and performance

• Clear expectations• Confidentiality• Cut gossip


We all end up in a box !

• Come to terms with life and plan for death.

• Face aging…and sustain emotional and physical health.

• Reconsider your future.


Extend the olive branch

• Create legacy of open communication & relationship

• Forgiveness• Pass on authority and

learn to “let go”


10 Tools for Tough Issues1. TAKE CHARGE2. Come from curiosity.3. Ask deeply.4. Play with possibility5. Really listen6. Ponder and perk, not prod.7. Cultivate trust8. Respect boundaries9. We all end up in a box10. Extend the olive branch


Books

• Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott• Why don’t you want what want? by Rick

Maurer• Words that change minds by Shelle Rose

Charvet• Mission Possible by Maureen F.Fitzgerald• Planting the Seed of Hope by Elaine

Froese


Effective meetings• Talking stick and stress squeeze toys• Undiscussabull ™ cards• Guidelines for respect• White board agenda collector• Binder for advisor input…parking lot for

questions• Notes with timelines for action..emails• Reading lists• Conflict resolution course graduates


SO WHAT ?

• Talk does not cook rice…

• What do you need to act on ?• Who are you calling for help ?• When is the next business meeting ?• Where is your list of undiscussabulls?• How does your head, heart and gut feel?


Your Comments

What do you plan to do next ? Start….

What was most valuablefor you ?

What will you stop doing?

What will you share ?


Thanks!1-866-848-8311

[email protected]

Elaine Froese PHEc.,CHICoachCertified Farm Family Coach

Author of “Planting the Seed of Hope”

mailto:[email protected]

Upcoming Events• Wednesday, October 8

-- The Nebraska EDGE Program. Marilyn Schlake, Associate Director of NebraskaEDGE, will share strategies for success

and tips for working with entrepreneurs based on data collected during a recent program evaluation.

• Wednesday, November 12--Effective Networking Tips and Techniques for the Business Owner

Glenn Muske, Oklahoma Cooperative Extension

¦ · farms feeling the crunch 1. problems secret 2. unaffordable lifestyle pressures 3. ... •...

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