Arnold P. Nerenberg, Ph.D.The Loss and the Gain

UP

ON

MY FATHER’S PASSIN

G

Upon My Father’s Passing

The Loss and the Gain

by

Arnold P. Nerenberg, Ph.D.

©

SEED-THOUGHT PUBLISHERS ®

Copyright 1996Arnold P. Nerenberg, Ph.D.

All rights reservedSecond Edition

A Division ofNerenberg Graduate Institute

7238 S. Painter AvenueLos Angeles County

Whittier, California 90602(562) 693-5600

Illustrations by Natalie Chen

For My Father,Written and Given to Him A Year Before

His Death

When I knewyou were passing the torch on to me,

I saw that I emergedfrom behind a veil

to continue your lifeout of my love for you.

You are the greatest manI have ever known,and it is a privilege

to be your son.

I. PREPARATION

II. LOSS

III. GAIN

IV. QUESTIONS

V. CONCEALED

VI. REAL - NOT REAL

VII. PHILOSOPHY

VIII. HUMOR

IX. SOCIETY

X. POWER

XI. LOVE

XII. MOM

XIII. ONENESS OF FATHER & SON XIV. ENDING

CONTENT Chapter Page

1 - 6

7 - 25

26 - 40

41 - 49

50 - 55

56 - 63

64 - 88

89 - 97

98 - 101

102 - 107

108 - 115

116 - 122

123 - 134

135 - 139

PREPARATION

1

2

I always knew that somedayI would get a call

telling me you had died.

3

Over the yearsI said good-bye

many times,and often I mourned your death.

When you died,I was almost ready.

4

All that needed to be said to youwas said.

There are no regrets.

5

All the suffering of my lifeprepared me .

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Holy, holy, holyis the pilgrimageto your grave.

6

It was your endthat inspired me to my destiny,

and your lifethat prepared me for the journey.

8

I ache within the void of my heartfor your voice.

9

Crushed within the emptiness of myselfis my scream for you.

10

Dad!!

11

Within the crushing lonelinessof the empty stillness

is the aching throb of creation.

12

I don’t wantto be here

without you.Losing you has been

my greatest loss.

13

✼✼✼✼✼✼

I need to talk about you.

Sounds reassure.

14

✼✼✼✼✼✼

All feel alonewith their loss.

I cannot bearto never see you again.

15

That which was repugnant to meabout you before your death

is now part of your beautiful fragrancethat I wish to inhale once again.

16

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Indulgence endswith your death.

While you livedI turned to you for strength

and that weakened me.

17

We will miss you.

18

I can endure the loss of anyonefor I can forget what it’s like

to not be lonely.

19

✼✼✼✼✼✼

When you were aroundeverything seemed right.

Your dying meansI cannot touch you

or talk with youlike I used to

and I mourn this loss.

20

When I see certain peoplea voice arises within,

“Why not them instead of my father?”

21

With you goneI am a stranger to all.

22

I wept with my head on the chest of your corpsefor the times of

unfulfilled yearning for you.

23

We took such pridein each other.

24

It was nota bad time

to die.

25

You gave me a sense that life could be com-prehended; there is order, and we can feel some security and well being.

Without you here I feel more intensely the responsibilities of my life; before, I knew you would be there financially if I ever needed you; now, you’re not there in that way.

Will I only have memories of you or will you show yourself to me in a feeling of your presence or in a dream? I need you to teach and guide me. I hungered for the inner person that is yourself, and often you met me in that request. I feel your love and compassion, the sweetness of your be-ing. I am more alone without you. You were my strength.

Is it my destiny to fulfill your life, or am I more separate? I will miss seeing you.

26

GAIN

27

The source of my finest poemis your death.

28

Your passingunites me

with all whose fathers have died.

29

When I hear what peopleremember about you

I have a sense of what I dothat will be remembered.

30

With you goneI will have more time with my mother.

31

I weep at your gravenot for your deathbut for the beauty

of your lifethat is more real to me now

than when you lived.

32

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Upon your deathI feel more strongly

the reality of your virtue.

My tears liftthe veils of our separation.

33

I cannot call on your strengthso my own is forced to emerge.

34

Now, an even deeper loveis breathed into our beings.

35

Your death is my courage to dieand cures my fear of any man,

for at worst he can only take my lifewhich sends me to you.

36

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Thank you for going on ahead of us.That’ll make it easier someday.

Your leaving has helped the wayI am in business.

Before I wanted to please you,now I want to survive.

37

Your dyingbrought mom out more,

made me know you better,was a lesson to my children,

gave me a vacation from work,made me mature more,

made me closer to your friends,gave me greater depth,

united me with others who havelost loved ones.

38

To some I want to say,“You know, my fatherjust passed away andI have always wanted

to tell you that I love you.”

39

The good of your lifeis clearer at your death,and thus I learn morehow to live my own.

40

It is deaththat makes life more poignant,

and is it not the poignancythat has the pain?

Thus we weep for the beauty of a lifeas well as for its end.

41

QUESTIONS

42

✼✼✼✼✼✼

I wonder if I think of youevery moment of my life.

What are you like now?

43

I hope you are not your body.

44

✼✼✼✼✼✼

It’s just that nowI’m not sure howto look for you.

What later will I feel?

45

Did you dieas an atonement for my sins,

which were also yours?

46

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Am I sad only for myselfor am I sad for you as well?

Canthe aching emptiness

that was youever be filled?

47

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Do you now see moremy secret thoughts?

Are you within me?

48

Where can I turnto rest from myself?

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Perhaps your death was senseless,a fluke, an accident.

49

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Did you dieso as not to destroywhat you had built?

I am certain of my questionsand doubt my answers.

50

CONCEALED

51

Love concealedis most deeply known

when the earthly life is done.

52

Your life was a protectionand a veil between

my outer and inner being.

53

The protectorneeds the weak

to protect.

54

Those with loved oneshave the joy of being with them

but also the dreadof the inevitable separation.

55

✼✼✼✼✼✼

No one knowswho will be

buried near him.

While you livedoften I could not find you.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Do I weep thatI will no longer have you,

or is it that I weepfor all the times when you were alive

that I could not feel you?

56

REAL - NOT REAL

57

Your death is not a dream,but does not seem real.

58

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Is life more the dream than death?

The funeral sort of convinced methat you are dead.

59

What’s hard to acceptabout your deathis the thought that

it was unnecessary or a mistakeor nearly didn’t happen.

It would have beenso much betterten years later.

60

I guess no timewould really have been a good time

to die.So this time may have been

as good as any.

61

Death’s finalitywill always be

denied.

62

✼✼✼✼✼✼

I shoveled earth on your coffinto help me know

you are gone.

You didn’t seem the type to die.

63

I think I knowwhat it’s like to die

and feel myself continue as soul;I think my eyes would open wide in delight

and would be in awe of the light and the beauty.

64

PHILOSOPHY

65

There is nothingthat can have more meaning

than a loved one’s death.

66

It is one of those rare eventsthat changes everything.

67

It’s humbling to knowhow quickly I will be forgotten.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Death is practical.

68

Absence illumines essence.

69

Death is more feared than life,although it is life that contains the pain.

70

Is life as we know itsimply a distraction

to perceiving our mortality?

Death is serious.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Father’s demise isthe end of childhood.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

71

Death is not what it seems,nor is life.

72

Death inspires.

73

With deaththe best is released,

for therein endsthe struggle to survive.

74

Endings bring truth.

75

What is rememberedof a man’s life

can be briefly stated.

76

Abandonment and separationare the origin of

the strongest religious impulse.

77

Our language is highly materialisticfor when we say “He is dead.”

it is strongly implied thathe was his body.

78

We need a word that says“His body is dead and he is.”

79

Death is for the living.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

✼✼✼✼✼✼

✼✼✼✼✼✼

✼✼✼✼✼✼

The material remains of a man’s lifeare important to only a few.

Some objects emanate a feelingof the person who owned them.

Everything is passed on.

Death transfers power.

80

Any human bodywill someday become

hideously ugly as it decomposes.Thus, the end is knownof all material existence

in the beginning.

81

The corpse is quickly buriedand forgottenso the reality

may be remembered.

82

Death limits

✼✼✼✼✼✼

And frees.

83

We seek comfort;yet it dulls us.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Death makes life more real.

84

Big tipper!

He had three Cadillacs; one for him, one for Mom, and a spare one.

Always dressed in the height of fashion whenever he went out of the house. Immaculate.

Walked around the house every morning for several hours in his underwear with his hair un-combed.

Regularly watered the plants in the apartment.

Bought watches, lots of socks, pens, and sun glass-es.

Had a pharmacy in his bathroom.

Took two hours to shave and shower and dress every morning.

Gave lots of gifts, especially watches.

Generous, warm, loving, loyal, and compassion-ate.

Helped his family.

Spent hours figuring out new gadgets. . ..

Dad’s Ways

86

If politicians had to fight the wars they declared, we’d have no wars.

Every time I’m on time, I have a long wait.

Tragedy is certain, but we have to find our joys.

Be optimistic. Be positive. If it’s not to be, we’ll know soon enough.

I’m not a joiner; I live by the Golden Rule.

Next to your son, who’s the greatest?

See a thing through to its end.

It’s hard to believe how successful we are.

Learn from yesterday. Plan for tomorrow. But the most important moment is now.

Don’t make a crook out of people by tempting them.

We all need people. If you were the only person in the world, all material possessions would be meaningless. Others give meaning to our lives. . . .

Dad’s Sayings

87

. . . Life is good when you’re not in pain and can pay your bills.

My hindsight is a lot better than my foresight.

Remember, everyone - including those who betray you - help advance you to where you are.

88

Me: “Dad, now that you’ve passed on, what do you want or need?”

Dad: “Don’t let anything be destroyed that I cher-ished. Take care of your sister. I think her mar-riage will be a good one.”

“My real legacy to you will be glimpsed slowly over time. It is not money or power, and may not even be wisdom. It is acceptance of life as it is; to curse it and then laugh and go on with business.”

“I lived my life the way I wanted.”

Fantasy Conversation with Dad

89

HUMOR

90

After your deatha doctor charged you

for a missed appointment.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Dad, I betyou were surprised

you died.

It has been awhileand you must look like hell.

91

When I was in summer camp we sang,“If you get to heaven before I do

make a hole and pull me through.”

92

For people who don’t know what’s happenedand they ask how you are

I want to say, “He’s dead, thank you.”

92

For people who don’t know what’s happenedand they ask how you are

I want to say, “He’s dead, thank you.”

94

While you livedI was more reckless

for I knewyou would bail me out.

95

I parked my car under a treebut I knew you would not like it,

so I had to move it.

96

My Dad, may he rest in peace,was a peculiar kind of man.

He bought watches, cars, socks, and clocksand gave them gladly;

people thanked him kindlybut they were shocked.

He took two hours to shave and showerand another two

to polish his shoes.He was the same

to all he knew,to the poor and those in power.

Dad was a funny guy;he saved hotel soaps,

roared with hopesthen took his naps.

But through it all he had eight aims;lots of money, phones, and fame,

lots of love and lots of games;and then to leave while still aheadwith all in place and still well fed.My Dad, may be rest in peace,

searched life to understand;my Dad was a peculiar kind of man.

97

Dad,there was a dreamyou always sought,

but often got trappedin the hoax you bought.

You had a few songsyou sung all the time,

they were corny as helland never did rhyme.

You told old jokesthat weren’t really funny,

you laughed just the sameand made life sunny.

But the odd thing is,I sing the same songs

and tell the same jokes,for I found I belong

in the very same hoax.

98

SOCIETY

99

The world does not knowyou have left,

and many of those that knowwill soon not remember.

100

With your deathpeople don’t knowwhat to say to me,

so I tell themto just be themselves.

101

You were deadupon arrival at the hospital

but we received a billfor an attempt to revive you.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

Society has now given me permissionto freely talk about death;

it is now “socially appropriate”for me to speak of it;

your passing away wasthe ticket to this freedom.

102

POWER

103

The greatest power I knewwas the roar of your voice.

104

When I came to see the world is a jungle

with danger all aroundI felt I needed your strength

as an ally to secure my survival.

105

I want some of your moneyand I want to hide this;

so I feel guilty,more for the hiding than the want.

106

You were economic my security,and I was yours.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

You taught meabout the importance of money.

107

With you gonethere are those who think

they can destroy us.

108

LOVE

109

While you livedyou saw me melt

in tears of love for you.

110

The power of your lovemade me known to myself.

111

Your sweetnessis all I know of you.

112

Even though at time I felt lonely with you,in our love we were slaves to each other.

Before you diedyou knew for sure

of my love for my sister.

I aspired to be a devoted son.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

✼✼✼✼✼✼

113

Even your negative traitsI miss.

114

You are nobleand more loving and generous,

tougher and more shrewd.You are sweet and more tender,

more compassionate.You are greater than I.

115

The stars, the sunand the lights of Firmament

are the lovefrom Father’s death.

With you goneI can serve you still.

✼✼✼✼✼✼

116

MOM

117

I want to bethe husband that

you were to my mother.

118

We all felt it would be betterfor you to go before Mom.

119

You werea sheath around Mother,

and with your deathshe is unveiled.

120

The pain from your deathcaused Mother to blossom

like a beautiful flowers.

121

The veil of easelifted from Motherwith your death;what shines forth

is an exquisite lightof a wise and ancient being,

freshly glowingas if first born.

122

Tender precious Mother,as I look upon your face

I see the agony of my birth,the sweetness of your love,

my emptiness at your death,and your life within my heart.

123

ONENESS OFFATHER & SON

124

A certain smile on my faceis you within my space,

and when I stroke my child’s hairI feel your tender loving care.

125

What of me is not you?

127

That which will make youproud of me

is the guiding forceof my life.

I lived for youand now that you are gone

what will I be?

✼✼✼✼✼✼

128

My life is your life;but while you livedI was veiled fromthe uniquenessof my own self.

129

I lost you on the outsideand have you more than ever inside.

I mourn the lose;and rejoice the gain.

130

The last trace of rebelliousnesstowards you

is gone.

131

Now I more fully seehow precious is a father,

and since I am oneperhaps I can know this about myself.

132

The son is knownupon the father’s death.

133

I thought I was me,and found I was you.

134

The good that I amis not of me,

but is of my fatherwho dwells within.

135

ENDING

136

The teacher leaves.The student advances.

137

The best of what you werecourses through me stronger yet,

and thus I see through your loving eyesfreeing me from the stranger’s debt;

it is the power of your lovethat lifts me above my feeble fearsthat trapped me in my lonely tears.

138

We go on,and that is

our triumph.

139

On Life and Death

What is truly known of a man’s life is this:He breathed awhileand rushed about,

was too seriousand lived in doubt;

was mostly led by a whim’s behestpursued his pleasures without a rest;

failed at what counted mostknowing little but still he boast.Yet how sweet were his years

of hardship, struggle, and gentle tears;we cannot help applaud his standthough it sunk beneath the sand;but who is there that can deny

that with courage he did tryto live the life he saw fit

while ever nearing the darksome pit.It is this courage that is life’s meaningand death its blessed final weaning.

A Division ofNERENBERG GRADUATE INSTITUTE

Dr. Nerenberg has been in practice for over 35 years. He is also considered the strongest, drug-free, man in the world for his weight and age (born 1941) on the bench press, the T-Bar-Strongman-Pull, and the Power-Pull-Up. He is internationally known for his pioneering work on road rage. He has written many books and likes to share “the bottom line” about all aspects of life. He hopes by combining the power of the mental, spiritual, and physical that humanity will be elevated to ever increasing levels of strength, health, and happiness.

SEED-THOUGHT SERIES ®