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Expect the Unexpected 2012-2013

University of Massachusetts Amherst

Taylor Jackson

Cinder Publishing

Arkansas, Boston, San Francisco

London, Toronto, Sydney, Tokyo, Singapore, Madrid,

Mexico city, Munich, Paris, Cape town, Hong Kong, Montreal

May 10, 2013

Table of Contents Pg. 4- Aknowlgements

Pg. 5- Part One- Love

Pg. 6- A Walk

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Pg. 7- A Feeling

Pg. 8- Running

Pg. 9- Finding You

Pg. 10- Your World

Pg. 11- Part 2- Hope

Pg. 12- Morning

Pg. 13- Life

Pg. 14- Listen and Receive

Pg. 15- A Week Ago and Now

Pg. 16- Colors

Pg. 17- Part 3- Twisted and Cut

Pg. 18- Cutting

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Acknowledgements To my best friends, who encouraged me to write to my heart’s content. Who told me

that I could write, and gave me hope. And to my family and love ones, they gave me

inspiration. To two of my greatest friends, they helped me through and wrote with me keeping

a smile on my face. To all my family and loved ones, they gave me inspiration. They have all

helped me through and I love them all.

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Part One- Love This section brings out the colors of love, without including sexual desires. It brings out the

soft, vulnerable side I don’t show very often. It shows that love can be ;possible when all

else fails. Two people can find a way back toward each other when the world pushes them

apart.

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A Walk I walk beside him. I bite back words, knowing it will end in awkward silence. So we

walk, side by side… In perfect silence. I let my hand rest beside me, instead of in my pocket

and stare at the trees.

They are old and gnarled. The wind weaves through the branches. Some of the

branches twist together like arms. I look at his face. His eyes flicker to mine and back to the

walkway again. He grabs my hand, smiles, and runs toward the trees. “What are you doing?”, I

giggle, the wind makes my eyes tear up. He looks back and yells, “Taking a walk!”

We run deep into the forest, until we get to a clearing. He slows and we walk to the

center. He turns and looks into my eyes, I look into his. They are green with mixes of other

colors. They are beautiful and so… deep. “Was I becoming boring for you?”, he asks, my

breath catches in my throat, “Never,’ I breath. He leans down and kisses me.

We sit down, and the sun sets. We talk and laugh completely oblivious of the problems

we have. Completely in Love.

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A Feeling Your light headed

Your thoughts evolve around them

You evaluate your every move so you don’t make a fool of yourself

You can’t focus with them in the room

Butterflies live in your stomach

You cheeks are always flushed

Moments flow bye, endlessly

Your heart is a constant drum

Your words tangle

Or get lost on the way out of your mouth

You bite back laughter…

Or embarrassment

They become the reason you awake in the morning

Their thought is your cup of coffee

Their memory is enough to make you smile for hours

They become your reason for happiness on the worst of days

But you’re scared

What if the feeling is not returned?

What if the feeling they feel is lost?

What if it is not you but another?

You never know

This feeling

Your feeling

Is mixed, Love and Pain

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Running The blue and red lights flash above us. We are in a underground shack. His hands find

mine in the dark. Then slowly he pulls me toward him and hugs me. We hold our breath when

the dogs are above us, he holds me tighter. The dog shifts and lays down. He softly kisses

the top of my head. A shiver runs through me. The dog is whistled for, and it gets up. I try to

look at him, but his grip is too tight.

The dog takes off, and his grip releases. He takes my hand and stands up. I fallow him

to the door and we climb out. We look around and he turns to face me. “No matter what

happens, I love you.” I look into his brown eyes flecked with a golden white. “I love you too.”,

just as I finish my sentence, shots fire out. His hand jerks from mine as he takes off. I’m

frozen, pain radiates inside me, but from where I have no clue. He turns and looks at my

white face, “Come on.” He grabs my hand and pulls. I stumbled and limp, “You’re shot.” He

says quietly. He studies my face and pulls me, I try to run.

They fire constantly. All around us, bullets bounce. I run and ignore the pain. My

breath is dying, the energy flowing out like a balloon with a hole in it. He pulls me along, I try

my best to keep up, but my arm. It feels like it’s being pulled out of its socket. Over and

over I think, “We’re gonna make it. We’re gonna make it.”

Until I fall…

I lay in shock until he rolls me over. “Get up!”, he screams into my face, but I’m

dazed. “I love you.” I say to those soft lips and dreamy eyes. A drop of water lands on my

cheek, it dropped out of those eyes that stare at me. “I love you too.” I watch his lips form

the words, and then fell them against my cold lips. Leaves crunch and I look to see the men

surrounding us, my breathing speeds up.

Their guns raise and shots fire, but he stays in front of me. The bullets penetrate his

skin but he still holds strong. Then, his body arches and he falls on my stomach. I lift my

head up and stare back into his eyes. The ones that studied me so closely before getting the

nerve to ask me out. The ones that I fell in love with. The ones I could study for hours and

still find something new and amazing about. “When will is see you again?”, he whispers. I try

to sooth him, “In heaven, baby. In heaven.” He smiles and we both close our eyes, and go to

sleep…

Forever.

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Finding You I didn’t know exactly where the train was going. After paying my fare, I simply stood

on the platform waiting for it to wish me away to somewhere, anywhere, but here. And that

when it happened…

He was there.

Him, of all people, is sitting in the corner, staring. My mind went blank, my palms got

sweaty, and my heart turned into a drum. He always looks gorgeous, but today he looks five

times better. His green eyes pierce mine. My breathing speeds up, and I choke back the urge

to run to him and give him a bear hug.

He stands up.

My mind goes blank, and I pray he has something to say because it will take a minute

to get my breath under control. He walks over, and fear strikes me. What if he says

something that hurts? What if he’s rude and hateful to me? What do I do? As he walks to me,

memories smack my brain over and over again. He is five feet away and I can’t take it.

“Hey.” He walks a little closer and stops, just a foot away. “Nice to find you here. So where

are you going?” he says so casually I want to smack him. It must be easy to forget the

memories you had with someone you didn’t really care about. It must be easy to forget the

girl that loved you and still does. But when I don’t answer he says something that makes all

my thoughts turn around. “Look, is still like you I do, but it won’t work out,” he looks up at

the ceiling, “It must be hard to still like me. I was a jerk to you.” I smile, hes right, after we

broke up all he did was get on my nerves, I laugh and he starts to laugh to.

When I calm down I say something I never got to, ”I love you.” He told me multiple

times but I never had enough guts to say it back in fright he’ll say, “Just kidding.” Or

something rude. He looks into my eyes, “I love you too.” We share a smile once again, and

they call for my bus, “Will I ever see you again?” “Yeah, I’ll find you.”

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You’re World I love you

The words blow around your mind

All you can think about is him

His eyes that pierce you

His voice that draws you in

His laugh that sends your heart flying

His smile that you want to be the reason for

Only he can bring you to tears

Or hurt you so bad you can’t cry

Only he can make your day with just a sentence spoken

Or bring a smile to your face just by thinking of him

He’s perfect

You love him

He is your world

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Part Two- Hope Hope is something that we depend on a lot. Why lean on it and it pushes us back into

a standing position. This is something I lean on daily. This part is something that makes me

happy and makes me smile. It is full of hope and I take great pride in it.

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Morning I look for tomorrow

Out of the corner of my eye

Wait for the moon to set

The sun to rise

To awake from my dreams

And nightmares

To start a new day

A new hope

When I close my eyes at night

An dream my dreams

Curse my nightmare

All I want is the morning to arrive

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Life We die

We live

We hope

We dream

We wish upon stars

Look up and above

Inspect the imperfect

Cherish the perfect

Love with a heart

Smile with lips

Hug with arm

Feel with our minds

We die

We live

We hope

We dream

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Listen and Receive I whisper into the wind

I tell it all my secrets

It smears my tears

And sings to me

When I walk it blows against me

Always reminding me, I’m not alone in life

It’s there to listen

No interruptions

Just talk

When I run through the forest

I touch the bark and stems that fly past

Feel the wind drag me down

But I get stronger from it

The secrets flow from me

I whisper into the wind

And it whispers back

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A Week Ago and Now The bright autumn leaves swirled around me. I stood there listening to the wind

whisper. The trees rustled with life, the birds sung their melody’s, beautiful and enchanting.

To think a week ago the sky crackled and the wind howled with pain. The animals hid, waiting

for the worst.

I spread my hands, and faced the sky. The wind touches my face gently. After all the pain

and tears, the sun still has enough guts and energy to rise. The birds have enough joy to

weave their songs with the wind. And now I have the guts to except the past and move to

the future. To smile and laugh even though pain and fear still linger. If the world can keep

spinning, I can keep breathing and making the best for me and other people. I can move on, I

can love with a big heart and an even bigger smile.

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Colors As the sun sets,

Color splashes the sky

I dip a drink,

And watch the fire of the sun die out.

I can only think of life

We start out simple

One color,

Blue

As we move, we brighten

Layers are added

Thought and feeling mixed in

We move across the sky

And then we die

An explosion of color

Our hearts known

Our thoughts read

We are remembered

And cherished

Just like a sunset

Perfect and remembered by the ones who really watch

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Part 3- Twisted and Cut This section is showing the tragic side of me. It shows a family that starts as one, has

it’s bumps, and ends as a family. It shows love and the support of a family. How they car in

the smallest ways. And even though it looks like they are suffering, there is someone behind

the scenes trying to make it better. What will they do to stay with eachother?

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Cutting 1-Luna The rain chills me. It slinks down my back, soaking my cloths. It drips off my fingers,

and curls down my arms. My hair sticks to my face. The black stands feel smooth against it. I

look down, the rain floods the scars on my arms. The dark marks remind me that I will find a

way out of this pain.

I smile remembering my plan right before the bright lights wind down the road. I suck

in a breath and jump. The car impacts straight into my right side. I feel it and gasp as I

bounce off the hood. I hear a scream and the squeaking of breaks, but I’m distracted by the

warmth that is spreading through me. I smile and close my eyes. I go to take another breath

but I can’t. I try to open my eyes but they’re stuck.

The warmth is now fire. I start shaking and flailing. Someone lifts my head up. With all

of what’s left of my strength, I slam it down. A crack sound off, and everything goes quiet

and black.

2-Max I cried. I cried long and hard when I saw my little girl’s body mangled up like that. Her

beautiful crystal blue eyes closed and stained, perfect skin pale as a sheet. Her long black

hair was matted and blood surrounds her. It stains her cloths, shines in her hair, and makes

me cry harder.

I sit beside her, the blood and water soaks through my cloths. I don’t care, maybe I

can lay down and join my baby. My hand reaches out and gingerly touches her face. I grab he

left wrist and turn it until I see starter scar.

It happened when she was ten. Madeline and me split up. It was her first cut and the

longest. When I walked in her room to apologize for fighting with mommy, she was laying on

her bed holding her arm, the blood dripping onto the covers. She had no expression on her

face. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. The razor sat beside her, covered in blood from how

sloppy she was.

I ran to my baby girl. My little baby girl. I kneeled beside her and cried. I cried until her

hand touched my head, I looked up. “Daddy, why are you crying? I thought you loved me?” I

looked into her eyes, “I do, baby.”, I held her hand, “come on, I’ll take you to the hospital.” I

went to stand up, but she tugged me back down. “No, Daddy it doesn’t hurt.” Just then her

eyelids fluttered and she passed out.

I gathered her in my arms and rushed her to the hospital. She stayed over at Lucie’s

house until Madeline moved out completely.

As the years went on, she flew through guys, friends, and emotions. Every time she

was hurt, she would mark herself. To tell the truth it scared the crap out of me. I took her

everywhere I could: rehab, therapist and several “doctors”. No one helped. Eventually I

stopped, every time she left one, she would cut. She told me it didn’t hurt, that the pain left

with the blood. It mad the world Clear. It made her happy.

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She told me it was like a tattoo. It never hurts unless you pay attention to it. But if

you thought of what and why you were doing it, it didn’t feel like anything but relief. When

you watched the blood drip off, think of the troubles dripping off with it.

I didn’t believe her, but there was nothing I could do. She got mad when I screamed

at her. She would got to her room, get her razor, and cut deep while she made sure, I was

watching.

She never blamed me or anyone. She said it was part of her, and if I took it away, I

might as well chop her arm off. Who would do that do their little girl?

3- Lucie I sit as mom holds Tommie, my little brother. My best friend and almost sister just

killed herself. And every time tears push at the back of my eyes, I push them back. I will cry

tonight when they are asleep.

Me and Luna have been best friends forever, since we were babies. Mom cared for

red hair with bright and totally plain green eyes, and she has jet black hair with to-die-for-

green eyes. The boys have always chased her and left me alone. And yeah, I have had some

boyfriends but she has had a lot.

When boys chase her she let them, because she had a backup plan, cutting. Even with

all her scars, the boys still went crazy for her. You know, I remember Mom used to tell me to

expect everything...

What kind of friend am I then?

4- Max

I sit at the table, making pizza. I cut up tomatoes, wishing Luna was here to smell the

sauce and taste it like she used to. I slice harder, down deep into the tomato. Then the blade

slices through my finger. Pain stabs me and I suck in. I have never been good with blood,

that’s one of the many reasons Luna’s cutting bothered me. As I think of her, I don’t notice

that blood is pooling on the table. Realization hits me in a wave. It doesn’t hurt. The pain is

gone, when I think about something else...

It kinda feels good.

I take the knife and cut my wrist. Yes, it makes sense. It feels good, and Luna did it. I

can keep part of her with me. I cut another long streak the blood flows and I relive memories

of her. Peace. I cut again, deeper and deeper and deeper. I cut until I can’t and the world

goes black.

The Times Max Burkwell, father of Luna Burkwell, died last night at 6:03 last night. He was found

with long slashes down his wrist and I cut on his finger. Luna died two days earlier of suicide.

Both father and daughter killed themselves, for what reasons only you can guess.