emotional intelligence and difficult conversations

Supervisory Training Series: Communication & Self ManagementKevin R.Thomas, Manager,Training & Development · Office of Human Resources · [email protected] · 413-597-3542

February 2016

[email protected]

Manager, Training and DevelopmentOffice of Human Resources

Presented by Kevin R. Thomas

Supervisory Training SeriesEmotional IntelligenceDifficult Conversations


1.Amygdala hijack2.Symbolic Threats3.The fight/flight reaction4.Reactivating your cerebral cortext5.Stress management

Basics of Emotional Intelligence


• Brain is highly attuned to threats

• Oxygen goes from brain to the limbs

• We will not be at our best.• We are likely to trigger

the other person’s “amygdala hijack”.

The Amygdala HijackEmotional Intelligence

https://youtu.be/-hoo_dIOP8k?t=19m8s


• Threats to sense of self:

– Losing face.– Feeling criticized.– Feeling

dominated or controlled.

– Survival fears connected with fear of loss of job.

Symbolic ThreatsEmotional Intelligence


Fight or FlightEmotional Intelligence

FightFlight

Acted out

Suppressed

QuittingHitting someon

e

Sending an

angry email

Sarcastic commen

ts

“Whatever you say”

Fearful silence

Angry silence

Backbiting

gossip

Pipe dreams about

leaving

Job search

Slow walkin

g

Chronic latenes

s

Calling in sick

Health issues

Procrastination /

Performance anxiety


• Postpone speeches and emails• Emotional labeling• Moderating gestures

and tone• Breathing• Test for Physical Safety• Ballroom to Balcony• Ask: “What do I want?”

Reactivating Your Prefrontal Cortex

Emotional Intellignece


• High stress further heightens the threat response and makes it harder to recover.• Every supervisor

should have a stress management plan.• Resources are

available, more next month.

Stress ManagementEmotional Intelligence


• Emotional IntelligenceRaymond Torrenti, Ph.D.Thursday, April 7, 20169:00 a.m. – 4:30 p.m.Griffin 3

Learn More!Emotional Intelligence


1.Overview2.Opening the conversation3.Principles and Strategies4.Solutions and follow up

Difficult Conversations


Difficult Conversation Gone WrongDifficult Conversations

What went wrong?What strategies were used?How were emotions handled?


Difficult Conversation Done RightDifficult Conversations

What was different?What strategies were used?How did they handle emotions?


You Write the Slide: What Kinds of Conversations are Difficult?


Click icon to add picture


You Write the Slide: Why Have them?




• Set a clearly defined goal for your conversation.

–Within your sphere of influence– Beyond winning and losing–Makes room for the other person’s

perspective– Communicates support and respect.

Difficult Conversations: Know Your Goal



• Think about your reservations about having a certain conversation.

• Use it to create a contrasting statement.

• Format: “Not x. Instead, y.”• Example: “I don’t want you to

think this is all your fault. I think it’s possible there were many factors contributing to what happened.”

Contrasting StatementsDifficult Conversations


Ladders of InferenceDifficult Conversations

Becoming aware of your ladder of inference is another way to develop emotional intelligence.


Ladder of Inference Example


• Share what has been going on in your ladder of inference.

• Guide an inquiry about their ladder of inference.

• For now, don’t take issue with their version.

• Get all the cards on the table.

Shared Pool of MeaningDifficult Conversations


• Describe your current relationship with the person.

• Describe your preferred working relationship with the person.

• Ask how they see it.• Work towards consensus

Preferred Working RelationshipDifficult Conversations


• Make sure they know you want them to succeed.• Understand their path

to progress.• Show the link between

work excellence and their path to progress.

Communicating Support: Understanding their Path to Progress

Difficult conversations


• Often people rush to solutions too quickly.

• Focus on small steps that could make things a bit better.

• Ensure both parties are generating ideas.

• Make commitments clear and concrete.

• Schedule a time to check in about progress.

Solutions focused conversationsDifficult Conversations


• Role Play Exercise

Your Turn!Difficult Conversations


emotional intelligence and difficult conversations

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