GG UILTFinding Release from Condemnation through God’s Forgiveness and Grace

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Goals for Each StepStep 1: Distinguish between true and false guilt, and understand the relationship between guilt

and shame.

Step 2: Clarify God’s provision for sin, the cause of guilt, and offer a scriptural background forfalse guilt and shame.

Step 3: Teach the counselee biblical solutions for true guilt, false guilt, and shame.

Step 4: Inculcate a lifestyle of healthy conviction as distinguished from unhealthy condemnation.

A Biblical Perspective on Caring for PeopleEmotional

S T E P O N E

Observation and Identification of the ProblemDistinguish between true and false guilt,

and understand the relationship between guilt and shame.

TRUE GUILTWhile I was driving down the interstate late

one afternoon, my wife pointed out that we weregoing seventy-five mph in a sixty-five mph zone.I chose to ignore her because I was tired andwanted to get home.

Shortly after that I was stopped by a policeofficer for speeding. I responded angrily to theofficer, noting that, “Everyone else was speeding.”And I was angry with my wife because I knew shewas thinking, I told you so! In reality, I was wrongfor speeding, wrong for reacting angrily to the offi-cer and to my wife, and wrong for setting a badexample for our children, who observed all of this.

FALSE GUILTThe Christmas rush is killing me. I can’t

seem to get away from it. I’ve been carriedalong by a river of parties, baking, list making,shopping, children’s activities, gift wrapping, andchurch commitments. I think I’ve said threewords to my husband all week.

When I try to stop, I feel frantic. What if I forgetsomething? What if something falls through thecracks? I have to cover all the bases. Isn’t thatjust the way life is? I’d feel guilty otherwise.Everyone else seems able to keep up the pace.

SHAMECaused by true guilt: I grew up in a Christianhome, attended a good Bible-teaching church,and became a believer in my early teens. I havealways known that sex before marriage waswrong. But I guess I let my physical desires getthe best of me. Now my fiancée is pregnant. Ihave confessed my sin, but I feel overwhelmedwith shame. I feel like a total failure.Caused by false guilt: When I put the brakeson and just get quiet, there’s this terrible turmoilinside. At first, I think it’s fear urging me back onthe fast track. But then, I realize it’s not so muchfear as an attack, an accusation that says, “See,you can’t hack it. Others are meeting theirresponsibilities, and you’re out of gas. Howpathetic! If people really knew you, they’d avoidyou like the plague.”

COUNSELING INSIGHTS

Meet the Counselee

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WHAT DO YOU KNOWABOUT YOUR COUNSELEE?

• What is your counselee’s spiritual condition? If thecounselee’s a Christian, is he having trouble acceptingChrist’s forgiveness for sin? (If the counselee is not aChristian, conviction is most likely put there by God asa way of reaching the person.)

For the believer: • Is there some sin she has committed that is still

unconfessed? • Does she feel her sin is too serious for God to forgive?

Does she know what God has instructed us to do toexperience His forgiveness?

For the unbeliever: • Has he heard the plan of salvation? To experience for-

giveness, the counselee must receive Christ as his Savior.For all counselees: • Does the counselee openly admit feeling guilty? Or does

the guilt appear in statements about falling short, beingunder pressure, or feeling depleted and panicky aboutdwindling emotional and physical resources?

• Does the counselee know the source of her guilt? Or isthe guilt detached from any particular event or behavior?

• Does the counselee’s guilt relate to a trauma such as sur-viving an accident that others didn’t?

• How does the counselee’s guilt impact her friends andfamily?

• What was the role of guilt in the counselee’s family?• Is the counselee aware of feeling guilty for any events in

childhood?

TRUE GUILT arises from the fact of having committed a breachof conduct that violates God’s righteous standard and resultsin a penalty. A person is guilty before God because of his sinnature inherited from Adam and his sinful behavior chosenby his free will. A person experiences true guilt when hebecomes aware of violating God’s moral law, as revealed inHis Word. This awareness comes from the convicting work ofthe Holy Spirit and from the conscience God has placedwithin each person.

FALSE GUILT is an emotional state of guilt without valid founda-tion. False guilt results from not accepting God’s forgivenessor the forgiveness of others; it may also stem from feelingunworthy of being forgiven or inappropriately taking blame.

SHAME is a painful emotion caused by the consciousness of guilt,whether true or false. It may be the result of accumulatedfalse guilt, or it may be a feeling that one’s very existence isso deeply flawed that one does not deserve to be loved.

The ManyShades of Guilt

Guilt comes in two basic colors—true and false—that blend in variousshades. Add shame to this blend and itmakes a complex mixture that requirespatience and wisdom to understand.

FALSE GUILT When others devalue us and com-

municate that we are not wanted, wefeel guilty, not because we have donewrong, but because we believe some-thing is wrong with us. That guilt feel-ing overtakes the conscience, whichdrives the behavior to overcompensate.

Shame Message(It’s bad that you are here;

you’re not wanted.)

YFalse Guilt Response

(It’s bad that I am here;I am bad, worse than others.)

YOveractive Conscience(I must make amends for mybadness and get permissionfrom others to be here. I do

this by being a nonstop asset.) 1

TRUE GUILT True guilt, on the other hand, does

not overstimulate the conscience:Security Message

(It’s good that you are here. God says so.)

YTrue Guilt Response(I’ve failed to love God and

people; I’ve not been the personGod made me to be.)

YStricken-but-Healthy Conscience

(I’ve been wrong; I want tomake things right.)

Here, the conscience does not driveone to be perfect. Rather, it gives one apassion to restore and be restored.

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GUILT

TRUE GUILT: ACKNOWLEDGED AND FORGIVEN BY GOD

S T E P T W O

Biblical Instruction and EncouragementClarify God’s provision for sin, the cause of guilt,

and offer a scriptural background for false guilt and shame.

The true guilt of mankind is declared by the apostle Paul: “For all have sinned and fall short of theglory of God [the standard of His righteousness]” (Rom. 3:23). But God addressed the problem by

providing forgiveness as a gift: “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in ChristJesus our Lord” (Rom. 6:23).

We resist grace because of our sense that itbypasses punishment we deserve. It seems tooeasy to expect God’s grace to be enough.

The wonderful announcement of God’sfree grace, which effaces guilt, runs upagainst the intuition which every manhas, that a price must be paid. The replywhich comes is the supreme message of

the Bible, its supreme revelation; it isGod Himself who pays, God Himself haspaid the price once for all, and the mostcostly that could be paid—His owndeath, in Jesus Christ, on the Cross. Theobliteration of our guilt is free for usbecause God has paid the price.2

Christ’s SacrificeGod’s Gracious Payment for the Stain of True Guilt

The counselee may resist grace because he is thinking(consciously or not), If I accept forgiveness, I’ll be cheating.That will aggravate my conscience even more. The penalty forsin, however, has not been ignored:

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Isa. 53:5)

Jesus’ death on the cross permitted the Father to markour indebtedness as “paid in full!”

Many counselees know this in their heads, but not intheir hearts. They feel it would be cheap to count on thepayment for their sins by a substitute and may think, Heshouldn’t have to pay for what I did!

The counselor must offer the idea that accepting Loveon its own terms is not cheating. Jesus Christ’s life anddeath proclaim God’s love, a love which is all-inclusiveand unconditional.

Who Pays the Penalty of Sin?

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Grace Paid Guilt’s PriceIsaiah 53:10 describes the Messiah as a guilt

offering, that is, one who receives the guilt of othersand atones for it as a sacrifice. Jesus is called “theLamb of God, who takes away the sin of theworld” (John 1:29). This could be paraphrased, “theLamb of God who pays the penalty for my sins.”

This payment illustrates the relationshipbetween guilt and grace. The liable one deservespunishment, but grace sees to it that he does notget what he deserves. Moreover, grace goes on togive what is undeserved: accepting love andunfailing commitment.

FALSE GUILTWhile the Word of God does not directly address

the subject of false guilt, we know, through ourdaily experiences, that it exists, even among unbe-lievers. However, the Scriptures do address theproblem of false accusations. Satan knows quitewell that false guilt is just as effective in hinderinga believer’s walk with God as true guilt. Therefore,he is quick to bring false accusations againstChristians. By contrast, God zealously reassuresHis children of His gracious provision:

What, then, shall we say in response tothis? If God is for us, who can be againstus? He who did not spare his own Son, butgave him up for us all—how will he notalso, along with him, graciously give us allthings? Who will bring any charge againstthose whom God has chosen? It is God whojustifies. Who is he that condemns? ChristJesus, who died—more than that, who wasraised to life—is at the right hand of Godand is also interceding for us. Who shallseparate us from the love of Christ? Shalltrouble or hardship or persecution orfamine or nakedness or danger or sword?(Rom. 8:31–35)

The responsibility of the counselor, then, is tospeak the truth in love and thus help the counse-lee relinquish the false guilt and go forward withthe Lord.

VALID SHAMEOur culture would have us believe a person

should never feel shame. However, sometimesfeeling shame is quite appropriate:

I say this to shame you. Is it possiblethat there is nobody among you wiseenough to judge a dispute betweenbelievers? (1 Cor. 6:5)

Don’t you have homes to eat and drinkin? Or do you despise the church of Godand humiliate those who have nothing?What shall I say to you? Shall I praiseyou for this? Certainly not! (1 Cor. 11:22)

Come back to your senses as you ought,and stop sinning; for there are some who

are ignorant of God—I say this to yourshame. (1 Cor. 15:34)

If anyone does not obey our instructionin this letter, take special note of him. Donot associate with him, in order that hemay feel ashamed. (2 Thess. 3:14)

INVALID SHAMEThe voices of invalid shame, “You’re no good.

You don’t deserve to be here . . .” are contra-dicted by God’s love for us. “But God demon-strates his own love for us in this: While we werestill sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Likefalse guilt, invalid shame can be healed as thecounselee learns how much God loves him.

Grace is none other than God’s

love extended through the death

of Christ. Since Love has taken

the shape of a costly gift freely

given, the counselee is not a

cheat if she accepts it.

KEEP IN MIND

The Bible and Shame

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S T E P T H R E E

Practical Helps for TodayTeach the counselee biblical solutions for true guilt, false guilt, and shame.

For the UNBELIEVER . . .the solution is salvation—accepting God’s free giftof forgiveness through Jesus Christ as full paymentfor his sin. As long as the counselee feels he mustpay his own penalty, he will not experience forgive-ness and freedom from guilt. The best approachwith an unbeliever who is struggling with guilt:direct the conversation to the plan of salvation.

For the BELIEVER . . .the solution is understanding God’s lovingresponse to any and all of our sins:

God is compassionate.

“Come to me, all you who are weary andburdened, and I will give you rest. Take myyoke upon you and learn from me, for I amgentle and humble in heart, and you willfind rest for your souls. For my yoke is easyand my burden is light.” (Matt. 11:28–30)

God desires that we confess our sin.

We are to do so simply and honestly. First John1:9 states, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful andjust and will forgive us our sins.” Confess means to“say the same thing” or “to agree.” In other words,God says to me, “You are not ‘speaking the truth inlove.’” If I say, “Yes, Lord, but did you hear whathe said to me?” then I am not saying the samething. If I say, “You’re right, Lord, I really wasn’tspeaking the truth in a loving way,” then I am say-ing the same thing.

God provides full and complete forgiveness.

“Come now, let us reason together,”says the Lord.

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isa. 1:18)

God graciously recognizes our weakness in temp-tation, although it is His desire that we not sin.

My dear children, I write this to you so thatyou will not sin. But if anybody does sin,we have one who speaks to the Father inour defense—Jesus Christ, the RighteousOne. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins.(1 John 2:1–2)

God longs for us to experience the freedom of Hisforgiveness.

When we confess our sins, He removes themand remembers them no more! Read Isaiah 43:25.Do we deserve to be forgiven? No! None of usdeserves it!

DEALING WITH TRUE GUILT

Confession doesn’t mean thatwe beg God for His forgiveness,

rather that we honestly agree withHis opinion that specific attitudes,

actions, or words are wrong.

Up Close with a Personal, Forgiving FatherLook closely at 1 John 1:9. A special portrait

of our loving Father appears.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful andjust and will forgive us our sins and purifyus from all unrighteousness.

• God “is faithful!”That means He will forgive us every time wesin, if we confess it. While failure to confesshinders our fellowship, we still are andalways will be His children.

• God is “just and will forgive us our sins.”Christ paid for all our sins—not just those wecommitted before our salvation!

• God will “purify us from all unrighteousness.”He cleanses us from sins of which we are noteven aware.

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After the counselee deals with true guilt, helphim neutralize false guilt. The road map mightlook something like this:

CONFESSThe counselee agrees with God that for one to

attempt one’s own atonement instead of seekingChrist’s is wrong. Guilt is correct in signaling thatwe’ve done something wrong; false guilt is incor-rect in insisting that we are wrong for being here.CULTIVATE THANKFULNESS

Help the counselee grasp the sheer generosityof God. In the story of the Prodigal Son (Luke15:11–32), the father recognizes that his son isrepentant and runs to embrace him before the lat-ter can utter a word. Gratefulness is our reply tothe kiss of God’s unconditional love.

CULTIVATE FREEDOM Help the counselee grasp that life is not about

apologizing for his deficiencies, but about realizinghis God-given potential in Christ.EXPLORE WHETHER FALSE GUILT IS LINKEDTO HIDDEN TRUE GUILT

Sometimes false guilt is a distraction. For exam-ple, a woman constantly cleans her home and feelsguilty if a neighbor sees a household imperfection.The woman may be seeking to erase deep guiltover her decision to have an abortion years before.

“Thus,” states Paul Tournier, “a ‘false guilt’seems likely to blanket a ‘true guilt’ and to drawits implacable venom therefrom.” 5 While coun-selors shouldn’t assume that false guilt is always asign of a specific true guilt lurking elsewhere, thepossibility of a link should always be explored.

DEALING WITH FALSE GUILT

How to Respond to Shame and False GuiltShame and false guilt appear when the counselee reveals the belief “that a soul can be

wrong, not only for what it does, but for the fact that it exists” at all.6 When talking to the counselee,make it clear that “Scripture teaches that we are ‘dead in our trespasses and sins,’ but God never tells usthat it is bad we are here.” 7 False guilt goes too far, seeking to atone for one’s very existence, whereas Godtakes issue, not with our existence, but with what we’ve done with it.

Repentance and RestRepentance is turning away from sin and turning back to God.

True guilt gets us up on our feet and motivates us to do the rightthing. But notice the middle part of the 2 Corinthians passage,because it’s easy to miss. “Godly sorrow . . . leaves no regret.” Weare not to be like broken records, skipping back to an old sin overand over again, but we are to move forward with the Lord. Imagineif Paul had continually relived his terrible past—he pursued andimprisoned Christians! If he had hung onto his sins, he certainlywouldn’t have been the powerful minister we find in Scripture(see 1 Tim. 1:12–16).

In our struggle through the hurts and pains of life, we mustcling with all our heart to Scripture’s teachings on forgiveness. Realforgiveness is available to all people—a forgiveness that satisfiesour deepest longing to be cleansed inside and out. Through Christ,all of our sins have been paid for. God’s plan is that our sorrow—orguilt—over our sin would cause our heart to return to Him. Hedesires that we turn from that sin, ask forgiveness—both from Himand from those we hurt—make reparation when possible, and thenwalk on with Him. We must let go of that sin, leaving no regretbehind as we continue on with our Lord.

The way of peace is simple to find. As the prophet Isaiahexhorts Israel,

“In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” (Isaiah 30:15) 4

Godly Sorrow versusWorldly Sorrow“Godly sorrow brings repen-

tance that leads to salvation andleaves no regret, but worldly sorrowbrings death.” (2 Cor. 7:10)

Godly sorrow leads to life, butworldly sorrow shoves us into a spiri-tual grave. Worldly sorrow onlybemoans getting caught or weepsfor what was lost. It never grieves forthe wrong committed. Godly sorrowproduces different results. When weexperience godly sorrow, we aredeeply grieved for the wrong wecommitted. We desire to ask forgive-ness, to repair the damage, to makereparation for the harm done; ourdesire is not merely to protect our-selves from pain or to regain whatwe didn’t want to give up. In a word,we repent.3

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S T E P F O U R

Lifetime Principles for GrowthInculcate a lifestyle of healthy conviction

as distinguished from unhealthy condemnation.

A Word from ChuckFor there to be true maturity, people

must be given room to grow, whichincludes room to fail, to think on theirown, to disagree, to make mistakes.Grace must be risked or we will bestunted Christians who don’t think,who can’t make decisions, who operatein fear and without joy because we knownothing but someone else’s demandsand expectations. When will we everlearn? God delights in choosing thosemost unworthy and making them theobjects of His unconditional acceptance.8

Help the CounseleeUnderstand the Role of

the Accuser Satan hates God and those who bear

His image. He is out to destroy God bydestroying His image in people. Throughaccusations, Satan makes us believe weare backed into a hopeless corner, aplace where rescue will never come,because God is as fed up with us as weare with ourselves. The counselor musthelp the counselee soak in the wonder ofGod’s unconditional love. That hopelesscorner doesn’t exist—because Christ hascome, still comes to us spiritually everyday, and will return some day in glory.

1. Distinguish between unhealthyand healthy obedience God wants our obedience, but not with servile, self-

concerned fear. Healthy obedience springs from Christ’sfree atonement, our thankfulness for it, and the result-ing freedom to be whom God made us to be. Unhealthyobedience stems from a morbid fear of losing what can-not be lost: the love of God. His love never fails.

2. Distinguish betweenaccusation and convictionJohn 8:1–11 tells the story of a woman who is accused

of immorality by the Pharisees and scribes, after havingbeen caught in the act. The problem is not with theaccuracy of their accusation but with the hearts of theaccusers.

Jesus exposes their motives by saying, “If any one ofyou is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stoneat her” (v. 7). After the accusers shamefacedly leave,Jesus brings conviction to the woman, saying, “Go nowand leave your life of sin” (v. 11). Both the accusationsand the conviction in this story point out the same sin,but with different methods and motives:

ACCUSATION CONVICTION

Source: Satan or self Source: God

Instrument: uneducated Instrument: educatedconscience conscience

Effect: condemnation Effect: focusing on the Cross

Response: self-atonement Response: confession andthanks

Feeling: sorrow of the Feeling: sorrowing toworld; hopelessness God; hope

Outcome: despair; Outcome: awe and joy atheaviness God’s grace; worship

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Five mistaken ways of thinking are commonamong those who struggle with past sins. Crossingover these thought barriers is the first step on theroad to feeling forgiven . . . and set free.

BARRIER #1:“What I have done is too bad. I know that God isforgiving, but I cannot be forgiven for this.”

This thought implies that Christ’s death was notenough to pay for all sin. We may as well say,“Maybe His atonement covers the sins of the restof the world. But Jesus’ death cannot cover this.”

What a far cry this belief is from the truth!Scripture declares, “Everyone who calls upon thename of the Lord will be saved” (Romans 10:13).

BARRIER #2:“I must punish myself for my sins in order to beforgiven.”

Our sins do deserve punishment—which Christendured for us. But we don’t need to add our ownpunishment to Christ’s. Personal pain adds noatoning value to Christ’s sacrifice.

BARRIER #3:“I know that God has forgiven me, but that doesn’tmatter. I cannot forgive myself.”

Scripture never tells us to forgive ourselves.When we try to forgive ourselves, we attempt theimpossible. Forgiveness assumes an innocent partyhas been wronged, and the person who has beenwronged has the job of forgiving. The offendingparty is the one who receives forgiveness.

We are the offender; God is the one who has beenwronged, because our sin is rebellion against Him.By focusing on forgiving ourselves, we have taken

the spotlight off God and pointed it at ourselves—making it doubly difficult to let go of our sin! Hehas forgiven us. We must simply receive that for-giveness and rest in it. Absolution from the Lord isfar more powerful than absolution from oneself.

BARRIER #4:“Because I am still suffering the effects of my sin,God must not have forgiven me yet. “

Natural consequences are different than God’spunishment. Sins which have been forgiven longago may still have consequences in our lives. Anex-spouse may be difficult to get along with. Wemay grieve on the due date of the baby that wasaborted. We may suffer injuries from the accidentthat occurred while we were drinking. Yet none ofthese troubles represents God’s punishment.

BARRIER #5:“God has allowed too much suffering into mylife; I cannot forgive God for what He has done.”

The pain from life’s losses can feel overwhelm-ing, and the instinctive response may be to lash outat the Sovereign One for not stopping it.

Yet when we are angry with the Lord, we cutourselves off from the One who can truly heal ourwounds. Some well-meaning counselors may saythat you need to “forgive God” for the things youhave endured. Yet never in Scripture are we askedto forgive God. God has not wronged us. God isultimately the only truly wronged party, as He isthe only One who is truly innocent. We havesinned against Him. In His graciousness, He haschosen to pay the penalty for our sins Himself andsave us. If you are holding onto anger against theLord, pray for His grace to melt your bitterness.9

Go before the Lord daily in prayer. Ask Him to reveal any sin that needs tobe confessed. Then ask for His forgiveness. Practice keeping short accountswith the Lord.

If you have hurt someome, if possible, ask for their forgiveness. Knowingthat someone is no longer holding a wrong against us is a freeing feeling, andthis experience can help us to understand God’s forgiveness in a new way.

Write some verses about forgiveness on 3x5 cards, and keep them withyou. Some good verses are Psalm 103:12, Isaiah 1:18, Jeremiah 31:34, John3:17–18, Romans 5:9–10, Romans 8:1, and 1 John 1:9. When you strugglewith guilt after you have confessed your sin, pull out your cards and remindyourself of your true state of being forgiven before the Lord.10

Overcoming Barriers to Feeling Forgiven

GettingPast

Guilt

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Resources

Bridges, Jerry. Transforming Grace: Living Confidentlyin God’s Unfailing Love. Reprint ed. ColoradoSprings, Colo.: NavPress, 1993.

Jones, Robert D. Forgiveness: “I Just Can’t ForgiveMyself!” (Resources for Changing Lives).Pattenburg, N.J.: P&R Press, 2000.

Swindoll, Charles R. The Grace Awakening. Dallas,Tex.: W Publishing Group, 2003.

NOTES

1. Adapted from Steve Shores, False Guilt: Breaking the Tyrannyof an Overactive Conscience (Colorado Springs, Colo.: NavPress,1993), p. 59.

2. Paul Tournier, Guilt and Grace: A Psychological Study, trans-lated by Arthur W. Heathcote, assisted by J. J. Henry and P. J.Allcock (San Francisco, Calif.: HarperCollins, Publishers,Reprint ed., 1962), p. 185.

3. Adapted from “Getting Past Guilt: Overcoming Barriers toFeeling Forgiven,” by Michelle Kopfer. Available atwww.insight.org. Accessed on December 10, 2003.

4. Kopfer, “Getting Past Guilt,” accessed on December 10, 2003.

5. Tournier, Guilt and Grace, p. 65.

6. Shores, False Guilt, p. 42.

7. Shores, False Guilt, p. 47.

8. Charles R. Swindoll, The Grace Awakening. (Dallas, Tex.: WPublishing Group, 2003), p. 63.

9. Kopfer, “Getting Past Guilt,” accessed on December 10, 2003.

10. Kopfer, “Getting Past Guilt,” accessed on December 10,2003.

Homework

Step 1: Have the counselee make as complete alist as possible of all charges against him,large and small.

Step 2: Pull out those charges that stem fromshame and false guilt and create two lists,one titled, “True Guilt,” and one titled,“False Guilt and Shame.”

Step 3: Ask the counselee to work through thelist of false guilt and identify the beliefs thatcreated that guilt. Ask him to locate Scrip-tures that will bring freedom.

Step 4: Ask the counselee to prayerfully workthrough the “True Guilt” list, confessing thesins and thanking God for His forgiveness.(Help locate Scripture, if needed.) Suggest tothe counselee that he make a list of anyactions required as a follow-up to confes-sion, such as apologies or restitution.

Insight for Living • Post Office Box 269000 • Plano, Texas 75026-9000 • 1-800-772-8888