guilt and intimacy

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continued from p 7dealing blackjack (only blackjackMormons, I guess), but there are goodMormons who own financial interestin casinos. Maybe some inventivesouls will come up with a toymoney casino where good Mormonscould deal and gamble (and drinkguilt-free booze) without straying astep from the letter of the law. Cometo think of it, I haven’t run into toomany Mormons who oppose realgambling or who avoid the fleshpotsof our neighbor state to the westwhen the chance comes to lose a fewbucks.

I don’t know if the no-alcohol winewill thrive here, but I hope it does. Ifthis kind of thinking prevails, it won’tbe long before we will have a no-smoke cigarette, or, even moreingenious, no-sex adultery. That willbe a real triumph of appearance overreality, and the inventor is bound tomake a bundle.

RAY OWNBEY edits a magazine forThiokol. He received a Ph.D. in Englishfrom the University of Utah and waspreviously associate professor of English atthe University of Maine. Married to aMormon, he lives in Bountiful, Utah.

an d P erplexit ies

IN DANGER OF THE SPEWINGMary Ryt t ing

In the latest issue of Dialogue,JanShipps tells what it is like to be "An’Inside-Outsider’ in Zion." This essayis important for many reasons, notthe least of which is simply as anintroduction to Jan Shipps. Peoplewho are interested in Mormon historyor Mormon culture, especially from anacademic perspective, should know JanShipps. For those who have not hadthe pleasure of meeting her in person,her essay is a delightful way to meether vicariously. It also illustrates thevalue of writing disciplined reflectionupon our personal experiences. Toooften we save our analytic skills for

academic or scholarly writing. Weneed more thoughtful personalsharing in our culture.

According to Jan, the process ofbecoming a Mormon--an insider--involves two things: accepting thetruth claims of the religion andbecoming part of the community,identifying with the culture. Althoughthese are usually thought of asoccurring together as a single process,they are separable. Jan hasexperienced becoming part of thecommunity. But she has bracketed outthe truth questions. "In all honesty,"

she says, "the matter of whether, insome ultimate sense, Latter-day Saintsare or are not correct when they beartheir formulaic testimonies that’Mormonism is true’ is simply not onmy agenda of things to find out." Ifshe were to conclude that the Churchis true, she would become an insider.If she were to decide that it isobviously false, she would then be anoutsider. By not being concerned withthis question, she becomes an inside-outsider.This stance causes many peopleconsiderable consternation. Thosewho are trying to prove that theChurch is true and those who aretrying to prove that it is false bothsuspect that Jan is secretly in theother camp because both groups share

the opinion that there is no middleground (a view which is becomingvery common). Jan’s experiencecontradicts this opinion.

And so does mine. If Jan Shipps is aninside-outsider in Zion, then I am anoutside-insider. I am part of thecommunity but I have also bracketedoff the literal truth claims as beingunimportant--and I have done sowithout leaving the community of theSaints or losing my identification withthe culture. For Mormonism was bredinto me. Biologically I am Mormon(tribe of Ephraim). Psychologically I

am Mormon (my world view isindelibly Mormon). Culturally, I amMormon (part of the community ofthe Saints). I am even "active in theChurch." I am incorrigibly Mormon. Icould never be anything else. But Inever did--at least in this mortallife--consciously choose to beMormon.

It is ironic that I became aware of thismost forcefully on my mission. Myfirst companion observed after I hadbeen out only a couple of months thatif I had not been born a Mormon, Iwould never have joined the Church.How could that be true of me? All ofmy life I had been an almost perfectMormon boy.In nineteen years of socialization andcompliance, complete with elevenstraight years of perfect attendance atall of my meetings (except MIA, ofcourse), I had only recently shownsigns of even a subtle rebellion (Iturned down my seventh IndividualAward because by then it seemedsuperfluous). I never questioned theidea of going on a mission--of courseI would go. My reputation was that ofa spiritual giant. I would not join theChurch? True. I would not join. I amnot good convert material. I am not atrue believer--in anything. I amblessed/cursed with the ability/compulsion to see both sides of everyissue.The paradox, I have come to realize, isthat my Mormoness is so muchingrained within me that this does notmatter; the literal truth claims of theChurch are as irrelevant to me asthey are to Jan Shipps. I am--andshall continue to be--Mormonirrespective of whether the LDSchurch is the only true church on theface of the earth or not. Even ifsomeone could conclusively prove tome that Joseph Smith was not aprophet, I would continue to reverethe man and value his philosophy.Even if they were to kick me out ofthe Church, I would still be aMormon. It is an ethnic thing. I canno more cease to be Mormon than a

Jew can cease to be Jewish, no matterthe level of religious commitment. Ifthis is the case, what difference doesit make whether everything theChurch teaches is literally true ornot?Some would argue that still it wouldbe nice to know if we are indeedcorrect in our view of reality. Iagree,but here we get into anepistemological question which definesthe main reason that I am notconcerned with the truth questions. Iam a phenomenologist in the Kantiantradition. I do not believe that we can

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experience reality directly but ratherthat we only experience ourperceptions and that they can bedistorted in a multitude of ways. Itmay be that we can experience realitysubjectively (I think we can), butsubjective experience is notappropriate for learning facts orknowing literal truths, only forunderstanding meanings. Thus I donot think it is possible to know for acertainty that the Church is true in aliteral sense.

What is it like to be an outside-insiderin Zion? In many ways it is similar tobeing an inside-outsider, which JanShipps describes as sometimesuncomfortable, very often misunder-stood, but none the less exciting, fromtime to time exhilarating .... " Thereis a continual subtle pressure upon mebecause practically everyone says that am wrong--that there is no middleground for Mormons. There arethousands of dedicated Mormons outthere waiting to call me to repentanceand testify that if I would only havemore faith, I would know. There arescriptural reminders of what happensto the lukewarm and how easy it isfor the devil to cheat our souls andlead us carefully down to hell. Andthere is no assurance that I am notbeing led in that direction. It isdefinitely a risk I am taking.

My motives are often suspect..In arecent letter to the editor of Dialogue, Iwas included in a list of eli tist, liberal,intellectual snobs who specialize incondescending and belittling attitudestowards the faithful. There is somejustification for the first half of thisaccusation--I do value my intellect, Iam liberal, and I may on occasionentertain an elitist thought or two,but there is an irony to the rest of thecharge. What I write--especially theDialogueand Sunstonepieces--arepersonal expressions of my ownperplexity. I do not claim to know thetruth. I never try to convert anyoneto my point of view (the missionaryrole fits me even less comfortablythan the convert role). I only ask thatdifferent voices be heard so that wecan share each other’s journeys andthat I be allowed to define my ownexperience for myself. Personally, Ifind nothing quite so condescendingand belittling as the smug assurancesof the religious elite that as soon asam as humble as they are and trulyreceive the spirit, I too will know thetruth and be no longer deceived--andof course agree with them. Yet,simply because I do not fit into themold--or the fold--I am automaticallyaccused of being a snob.It is not only from the Mormon

community that I must confront theargument that there is no middleground. My non-Mormon friends callme a "walking contradiction," wonderwhy I stay in a religion which causesme so much conflict and pain, and tellme that my balance is too precarious.Someday, they say, I shall have tochoose one or the other. They do notpressure me to reject the Church,they simply have a difficult timeunderstanding why I have not alreadydone so.Another problem with being anoutside-insider is that people tend tolump us all together with the rest ofthe unfaithful. I am not an inactiveMormon. I am not a jack-Mormon. Iam not even a "cultural Mormon." Iam a committed Mormon--althoughcommitted to my way of experiencingMormonism. I am a religious person--although I define and react to religionin a way that is not typical oforthodox Mormons. I am a believer,but not a true believer. I am awarethat I choose to believe, that I couldchoose not to believe, and that realityowes no allegiance to my choice ofbeliefs.A recent study of the relationshipbetween religion and political views inthe United States Congress points outthat the traditional ways we have ofthinking about religion are not veryuseful for research on the effects ofreligious commitment upon attitudes.Religious affiliation has very little todo with political and social attitudeswhen affiliation is defined as simplymembership in a particular religiousdenomination. What is important ishowwe relate to whatever religion wechoose or inherit.

In this research, a fairly sophisticatedstatistical procedure identified sixdistinct packages of religious values--ways of being religious. Legalisticreligionists for example, emphasizerules and restrictions and self-control.Self-concerned religionists focus on theirpersonal relationship with God. People-concerned religionists are mostlyconcerned with relationships withother people and with religion as a

challenge to work for change andsocial justice. Integrated religionistsbalance these themes. These are alllegitimate perspectives for people inany religious group but these types ofreligious people are markedly differentfrom each other. Legalistic and self-concerned religionists in Congress(and probably in general) tend to bepolitically and socially conservative,while people-concerned religionists aredrawn to liberal positions and theintegrated religionists are likely to bepolitical moderates.

Our current orthodox Mormonismfocuses on the legalistic and self-concerned themes, but I maintain thatthere ought to be room for those ofus who are people-centered orintegrated, even though we are morelikely to agree politically with people-centered Gentiles than we are withother Mormons. I definitely do not

want to be confused with (norclassified with) nominalMormonswho--if the research can begeneralized--are likely to be closer inattitude to the orthodox Mormonsthan they are to me. Outside-insiderslike me have very little in commonwith jack-Mormons or anti-Mormons.We are like other religious people whoare concerned with ethical issues andmoral living, but our religious energyis more directed to other people thanto rules or to "truth" or even to God.

There are compensations in being anoutside-insider. From this vantage

point, it is easy to see the paradoxesand perplexities of the Mormonexperience. Some people may notconsider this an advantage, but for meit is. I love paradox. It is the source ofthe thinker’s passion and opens upworlds to explore. It leads to a level ofunderstanding of myself and theChurch and our culture that I value.It also provides a breadth ofexperience that the true believer doesnot have access to. Granted that inreturn, I give up a depth of experiencethat the true believer can have, Ivalue the variety of perspectiveswhich I can explore.In the final analysis, however, adiscussion of advantages anddisadvantages of being an outside-insider in Zion may be irrelevant. It isnot useful as a way of trying to decidewhether to be one or not nor is thisdescription meant to convince anyonethat it is good to be one. It is simplywhat I am. I do not advocate it. I amnot trying to justify it. I am onlydefining it. I suspect that I did notchoose this way of being any morethan I chose to be Mormon. There issome research which indicates thatfourth-born children tend to be

outside-insiders in their families. Theyhave the ability to step outside of thefamily and observe the dynamicswithin it. Such people often becomestudents of the family. As a fourth-born child, this is certainly true of mewith respect to my family and myprofession as well as my church andculture, and perhaps my birth order isthe reason. But the explanation forwl~y 1 am an outside-insider is alsoirrelevant (I could as easily claim thatit is because I am a Gemini).Irrespective of pros and cons, causes

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and effects, I am what I am (or asPopeye would say it, "I yam what Iyam"). And I choose to affirm and

value what I am. In the back of mymind, I hope--and expect--not to bespewed out because of it.

ssues of n t im acy

GUILT AND INTIMACYMarybeth Raynes

A long-term client came through thedoor that Monday looking at the wallinstead of me, sat down, and fixed hisgaze on the bookcases. We had gonethrough periods of silence with eachother before, but this time hisagitation prefaced what his laterstuttering words gradually revealed:overwhelming guilt about sexualabuse inflicted on him as a teenagerby some members of his priesthoodquorum and other neighborhoodyouths. The forcible abuse continuedover several years and has greatly

affected his life today.An early-adolescent girl sobbedthrough a faltering and difficultadmission to her parents about theguilt she feels for failing them: notbeing popular enough, not beingobedient enough to them or to theChurch, being angry with them attimes. To their surprise, she hadperceived their occasional anger at heras saying she was bad to the core.

A mother, six years after her sonmarried outside of the Church,reports grilling herself daily about allthe events in the past that she mighthave done differently so that hewould not have taken that step. "’I amsuch a failure as a mother because ofthis, and I’m feeling more shaky abouteverything I say to my other childrennow.

Guilt about stealing, cheating, ordishonesty, about being the victim ofrape or incest, for having hit or yelledat someone, for not having doneenough, for having been insensitive,for being responsible for parentalconflict of divorce surfaces again and

again as I work with people who wantto change their lives. At the center ofall the guilt at least two issuesconsistently appear with Mormonclients of mine: Unworthinessan dInhibited Intimacy.Persistent or over-whelming guilt eventually erodes selfesteem to feelings of "I am notworthy, not good enough, notwhole--I am bad." The core beliefabout the self becomes negative.Continuing guilt builds barriersinstead of bonds in relationships.

How does this happen? When onefeels whole, accepted, and positiveabout personal emotions andexperience, intimacy is easy. But guiltis negative and unsafe. Feeling guiltyabout a perceived wrong in arelationship almost always causes aperson to pull away, to lose closenessnot only with a particular person, butoften with everyone else. He or shewithdraws into an internal world ofsuffering. It is hard to reach out, toshare.Withdrawal is fed by the manyrejection fantasies which accompanyguilt: "The Lord doesn’t love me.""What will my mother think? .... willbe ostracized by my ward." Theanswer to the title question of JohnPowell’s book Why Am I Afraid to Tell

You Who I Am?is "Because if I tell you,you may reject me." Many feel that ifwe share the negative, shameful partsof our lives, we will be rejected andleft alone with nothing. Sometimesthat is true, but the usual paradox isthat if any significant trust exists,sharing pain and struggle fostersacceptance by destroying the illusionof perfection.The free-flowing acceptance of selfand others as they are rather than asthey should be cannot develop,however, if a relationship is built on

the assumption that rules are moreimportant than personal concerns.Intimacy rarely develops between twopeople obsessed with condemnation(external blame) and guilt (internalblame). Given the Mormon proclivityfor commandments, a stressfulrelationship can develop if the rulesare used as clubs rather than asguidelines both parties freely accept.

Examining the nature of guilt ispreliminary to dealing with theseissues. Guilt encompasses a host ofother emotions because it is asecondary emotion, a reaction to moreprimary feelings. Just as anger is oftena result of more basic feelings of help-lessness, frustration, or rejection, guiltcan be a reaction to shame,worthlessness, loss, and anger.Further, guilt may be a compositeemotion. A simplified model might be:guilt=remorse+anger at self. Each halfof the equation can be felt in manyways. Remorse can be experienced assadness, loss, or regret; anger atoneself as shame, self deprecation,blame. (These lists are suggestive, notconclusive.)Feelings of guilt, so layered andcomplex, make sorting everything outhard. We feel terrible, cannot see theend of it, ruminate about the situationagain and again. What we want mostis to get away from the thoughts andfeelings. "If I had only" or "I haven’tdone enough" or "I will never be goodenough," we say. Rather thancarrying a scarlet "A" on our breasts,

we struggle inside with a burdenfulblack "’G." Often being around theperson we feel guilty about remindsus of the pain, so we flee. As thoughsuffering some unavoidable, painfuldisease, we take a pill of distraction oramnesia and let guilt run its course--or run us.In light of all the negatives, is guiltbad? I believe not. As clearly as painwarns of something wrong physically,guilt often signals that something iswrong interpersonally.

Besides, it takes a certain amount ofsensitivity to another person’s feelingsand needs to even feel guilty.Sociopaths are sociopaths becausethey do not feel the impact of othersor society’s (the collective other)needs, rules, or norms. Consequentlythey feel little guilt and have fewinternal constraints. So the question isnot, "Is guilt bad?" but "’When is itappropriate and how can it beresolved?I remember spending a yearstruggling with the idea ofappropriate and inappropriate guilt.Every time I felt guilty about coming

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fifteen minutes late to anappointment, not writing a thank younote, replying harshly to my child,accidently running over a rabbit, orhaving an urge to try something Ifelt was wrong, I tried to discover ifthe feeling was appropriate to thesituation. Although I don’t have myfeelings in neat categories yet (andhope I never have them compulsivelytied down), I did emerge from thosesessions with three general guidelines:(1) It is appropriate to feel guiltyabout things I have control over in mylife (scheduling appointments, tone ofvoice with others) and inappropriateto feel guilty about things not in mycontrol that occur by accident or luck,even if it is a disaster that results ininjury or loss of life. (Deep grief andsearching for what might have donedifferently always occur, but not guiltwhich assumes blame.) (2) It isappropriate to feel guilty about valuesinappropriate to feel guilty about

values that others hold but do not.For example, for a long time I feltguilty when the visiting teachersfound my house messy even though Ido not believe a clean house is alwaysimportant. (3) It is appropriate to feelguilty about actions I consciouslycommit or thoughts and fanasties Iwillfully indulge in that I think areout of bounds, but inappropriate tofeel guilty about natural sensations,thoughts, and needs that everyonehas or that occur unconsciously(sexual impulses or dreams,occasional thoughts of violence ordeath).These guidelines may be helpful forputting guilt in balance with our innerthoughts and needs. Mormons,however, often struggle long and hardwith the second category. Taughtfrom youth to respond to externalrules by parents who used strongreinforcements if we did not conform,we react in essentially the same wayto a parental church. Feeling moreintense guilt about rules andcommandments than about principlescreates a narrow rather than broadfocus for our actions, a lack ofperspective that becomes evident

when we worry more about notsmoking or about not fulfilling aChurch assignment than about lovingone another regardless of religious,social, or racial barriers. Although thefunction of the Church is to teachright and wrong and to help peoplewire in guilt for wrong actions andpeace and contentment for right ones,once that wiring is complete we needto find our own way. We need to sortout which principles encouragecontinued growth in adult roles. Thisis the long, difficult journey into

adulthood. Our ethical and spiritualpath must ultimately be our ownresponsibility, with helps andguidelines, to be sure, but still in all,our own.

How to put guilt in perspective sothat it helps rather than hinderschange? Results of research aboutanxiety and learning seem applicable.

New information is most effectivelylearned when there is a moderateamount of anxiety accompanying theprocess. Too little anxiety fails tomotivate: too much overrides andblocks new information. So with guilt.Short term or moderate guilt thatspurs one to change is healthy as isguilt that contains larger componentsof remorse and loss than of self-anger. On the other hand, mild guiltonly pinpricks the consciencemomentarily. Severe guilt immobilizesby overwhelming any other thoughtor feeling. All guilt, however, isoriented in the past and cannotchange behavior. Only subsequentthought and action can do that.

To help balance guilt with otheremotions in life, I recommend thefollowing:1. When feeling guilty aboutsomething you did (or did not do) in arelationship with another person, tryto separate your feelings about thatperson from the action to see whichdeeper sentiments sift out. Maybe it isnot guilt but another feeling such asmistrust that is bothering you. Afriend related feeling guilty about notgetting close to her sister. Uponintrospection she realized that shedidn’t trust her. The guilt cleared, andthe problem then became "How do Ibuild trust?"

2. Acknowledge that in every eventyou feel guilty about there are anumber of emotions involved as wellas a number of parts to the event--some for which you bearresponsibility, some not. The keyquestion is: which principle did Iviolate? Then, rather than condemnyourself, figure out something to dothat matches the depth of theviolation. The past is healed only in

the present.3. Talk to someone. You often don’tknow what you think or feel untilyou say it out loud. If a neutralperson who has no investment in theaction or the outcome is not available,seek a therapist or counselor who cannot only help you sift out the guiltand what you can do about it but alsocan help you find friends who willsupport, not condemn.

A story that I hope is true was relatedin stake conference several years ago.

A young woman had slept with herboyfriend when she was 16 years old,one time only. Even though she neverrepeated her action, she felt

tremendously guilty and carried itwithin her silently. In her mid- ~twenties she decided to go on amission. In consultation with herbishop she passed over the moralityquestion, but by the time sheapproached the stake president withher application her guilt was over-powering. She told him about theincident and about how terrible shefelt. The stake president replied thatthe only thing she needed to do forclearance was to go home and tell herparents. In horror she replied that thistruth would destroy them. Heinsisted; she did. Upon hearing herpainful story, her father put his armsaround her and said, "’I am only sorrythat you have carried this burden byyourself all these years."

4. Learn the fine art of selfforgiveness. I am convinced that anoutside authority’s statement offorgiveness only releases us to do theforgiving within ourselves. Therational, loving parts of ourselves canspeak to the hurting, guilty parts.Being your own therapist and gentlypersuading, caring, and forgivingyourself in troubled times soundsfunny only until you have tried it.Inner, not outer peace, is the finalresolution to guilt.

If the guilt is minor you should beable to handle the feelings and theactions fairly easily. If the guilt ismajor, realize that it generally takesweeks or months to deal with a majoremotional crisis. Give yourself time toheal. If the cause of your guilt iscontinuing, separate yourself from thesituation even if some drastic actionneeds to be taken. Broken feelings likebroken limbs cannot heal undercontinuing stress.My client who was sexually abusedhas come to understand that thosepast events were out of his controland were not his fault but that hisresultant sexual fantasies areinappropriate to the sexual

relationship he wants with his wife.He has acted to change them. Hisguilt is lifting. The mother isgradually realizing that expending allher thoughts on her son’s action overwhich she had no control is robbingher of the energy she needs to changeher life. I’m still feeling guilty thesedays, but I’m not overwhelmedanymore. Instead, guilt is becoming aparticularly trusted guide for me. Ifind myself welcoming it as anindicator that I am getting off myinternal track.

May-June/63

guilt and intimacy

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