Avoid Losing Yourself to Grief

After Margaret lost her husband to cancer, she found herself on a roller coaster.

The shock of his loss came first, even though she had been steeling herself for his death. Then came the unbearable sadness, punctuated by bouts of sobbing that left her unable to move. A self-styled foodie, she found no joy in the tempting meals prepared by friends. The dark nights after his death became even longer as Margaret found herself unable to sleep more than a few hours at a time.

Heather O’Brien says that Margaret’s reactions are all normal – and healthy – in the face of such a life-changing loss.

“Grief is a word we use to describe the physical and emotional reactions that commonly occur in response to loss,” explains O’Brien, director of bereavement services for Emmanuel Hospice. “It’s a core human experience that has existed throughout history and is observed in every culture.

“Everyone’s journey through grief is unique, and everyone’s timetable will be distinct. We all take different routes that bend and curve in singular ways, sometimes circling back on themselves. Sometimes we are moving slowly while other times it feels like we are not moving forward at all.”

O’Brien said that a death, even when it might be expected, first triggers a shock for us. The shock is followed by numbness or a dazed feeling, where we just don’t know what to do with ourselves, she explains. As those feelings fade, O’Brien notes that feelings of sadness and despair can increase. Just as we may start to be feeling a bit better, we may actually start feeling worse.

“Our body naturally responds to despair with tears,” O’Brien observes. “Tears are an important healing function; avoiding or resisting them can cause difficulty. So I tell people, go ahead and give yourself a good cry – it’s an important emotional and physical release.”

She notes that grief manifests itself in numerous other ways, including: Loneliness and isolation, which O’Brien points out are not synonymous. When we are

lonely, she says, we have a hard time engaging in activities that are typically comforting and soothing. It’s okay to be lonely – and okay to be isolated, where we withdraw from a world that has changed, opt not to return phone calls or connect with others to conserve strength.

Forgetfulness and lack of concentration. O’Brien explains that grief disconnects higher-level thinking, interfering with our ability to think, read, plan or organize. Putting keys in the refrigerator might come across as absentminded, but it’s really grief – and it is very normal.

Irritability and anger. Tears and anger are very close together for some of the people O’Brien counsels at Emmanuel Hospice. She has seen anger at self, family members, God, medical personnel and others. It’s important to be patient with ourselves and realize that we might be short-tempered or prone to outbursts for a bit.

Appetite and sleep. These are two of the big things that grief interrupts, O’Brien says, tipping the scales heavily on one side – overeating and oversleeping – or the other – failing to do both. Through your grief, it’s important to keep our body healthy and nourished during this time, even when you don’t feel like eating and sleeping are options.

“To heal, you have to acknowledge that pain,” she cautions. “If you try and avoid grieving, it can often prolong the process for you and lead to other complications, such as depression, anxiety and health problems.

“The two things that will help people the most is getting support from others who will help you heal and taking care of yourself. Grief can feel pretty lonely. This is the time to lean on people who care about you, even if you tend to be pretty self-sufficient.

“It’s a time when you can draw comfort from your faith, whether that is through prayer, meditation or going to church. Sharing your sadness and sorrow with others who understand and have experience loss can help.”

“Moving On”O’Brien says she is often asked what’s the appropriate length of time to grieve before moving on.

The concept of “moving on” from grief is common, but not one she sees as particularly helpful.“Some people will grieve for months, while others will grieve for years,” she explains. “Some of

the things that factor into the length have to do with the relationship with your loved one, the role they held in your life and how big a part of your hopes and dreams they were. When it’s a spouse, that grief will take a while.

“Moving on is an individual decision. The biggest thing we need to remember is that we are not responsible for how others feel about our grief process. Truth is, a lot of times friends want us to stop making them feel uncomfortable. It’s hard to be with someone who is in pain or grieving. Other people’s discomfort with your grief is their responsibility not yours.”

Still, O’Brien knows that “good” grief can fester and turn unhealthy. While it’s normal to feel sad, numb and angry after a loss, as time passes, those emotions should become less intense. If that doesn’t happen, she says, it can be a sign that you need some help and support. Unhealthy grief can manifest itself by calling in sick to work or going in late, not going out or connecting with others, drinking too much, etc.

“It can be helpful to seek grief counseling, either individually or in a group setting,” O’Brien says. “The idea is to explore emotions connected with the loss and explore questions, such as what the loss was like, what the person meant to us and what life is like now that the person is gone.

“Emmanuel Hospice strives to do whatever we can to make the person more comfortable and provide a welcoming place, whether that is in our office, their home or in a group setting. It is part of our mission to be a place of meaningful transition for those who are grieving a loss – and part of our commitment to serve the community.”

Emmanuel Hospice provided grief counseling to more than 500 people last year. These sessions are free and open to anyone in the community. For more information, visit www.emmanuelhospice.org.