Effective Parent Support Groups:

The Magic Ingredients

www.sengifted.org

By: Rose BlackettSENG Board of DirectorsRegistered PsychologistNZAGC PresidentRose.Blackett@sengifted.org

SENG: An introduction

• SENG: Social Emotional Needs of Gifted

• Non-profit organisation

• Diverse board of directors

• Dissemination of information to parents and professionals

• Being bright is not enough – also need to understand and manage the complex social and emotional issues

• “All learning has an emotional base”

The SENG heart started beating… because another heart stopped

• In 1980 a very bright, talented 16 year old committed suicide

• His parents contacted Dr James Webb (child psychologist) trying to locate a programme for parents that focused on social-emotional needs of the gifted

• It became apparent few resources existed / no dedicated programme

Why guided parent discussion groups are needed

• Parents are a child’s first teachers (lifetime)

• Parents role: teach, advocate, mentor, parent

• Need resources to be effective

• Safe environment, understanding, supportive

• Family experiences different (e.g., 3 year old reading, or 4 year old sleeping only six hours)

• Behaviours arising from extreme curiosity, intensity, sensitivity seem strange, unusual, abnormal

Why guided parent discussion groups are needed

• As a group, parents of gifted children frequently feel isolated from support.

• Parents of gifted children experience an unsettling dissonance between the child-rearing practices recommended for average children and the reality of the child in their midst.

• The very strengths and characteristics of gifted children often result in associated problems, particularly social and emotional areas.

Objectives of SENG Model Parent Groups

• Establish an environment in which facilitators provide support and guidance, so parents of talented children can interact and learn from each other.

• Increase parents’ awareness that talented children and their families have special emotional needs.

• Develop parenting skills for nurturing the emotional development of talented children.

Objectives of SENG Model Parent Groups

• Provide parents with materials to enhance understanding of:– Characteristics of high potential children.

– Programs and opportunities for talented children.

– Relevant books and professional organizations.

– Referrals for more in-depth professional assistance.

• Encourage parent involvement in and support of appropriate educational opportunities.

(Gifted Parent Groups: The SENG Model, 2nd Edition, 2007, p. 6)

Key principles of parent support groups

• It is important to enhance the self-esteem of the child and of the parent (minority group, encourage self-belief)

• A healthy, nurturing relationship with the child is of critical importance (need at least one relationship where they feel accepted as a person, positive long-term outcomes likely)

• The child and parent need to develop a belief-value-ethics philosophy (incorporates respect, compassion for others, gives life a purpose)

Parenting – A life time challenge

“I’d say he’s gifted!

His mother has tried to give him away several times”

~Jean Watts, In Search of Perspective

Problems associated with characteristic strengths in gifted

children

• Strength: Enjoys organising things and people into structure and order; seeks to synthesise

• Possible Problem: Constructs complicated rules or systems; may be seen as bossy, rude or dominating

Characteristics of parents first session

• Have many questions about G & T children

• Are highly verbal

• Possess a great deal of useful information to share

• Are intense (like their own gifted children)

• Have had few opportunities to share parenting experiences

• Have many questions about parenting and schooling

Characteristics of parents first session

• Feel frustrated with school systems (often angry)

• Form a cohesive group extremely quickly

• Support and learn from each other

• Have a good sense of humour

• Want as much information as possible and want to implement many new ideas

• Are able to attempt only one to three behavioural changes per week

Characteristics of parents at the last session

• Have fewer questions about G & T children

• Continue to be highly verbal

• Possess an increased amount of useful information to share

• Are intense (like their gifted children) but have learned better ways of managing their intensity

• Have fewer questions about parenting and schooling

• Are less angry at the school system, more focused on their actions

Characteristics of parents at the last session

• Are a cohesive support group; feel less alone

• Have accomplished major behavioural changes

• Have a good sense of humour, an increased perspective, and more patience

• Have better relations with their children and with the school

• Have more realistic expectations

SENG-Model parent groups

• Limited to 15 participants

• Normally two facilitators

• 90 minute sessions over ten weeks

• Parents learn about common characteristicsand behaviours of gifted children, self-discipline, how and when to set boundaries, strategies to improve communication, resolving conflicts with siblings and sparking motivation.

Ten topics

1. Characteristics of gifted children

2. Communication: The key to relationships

3. Motivation, enthusiasm and underachievement

4. Establishing discipline and teaching self-management

6. Intensity, perfectionism and stress

7. Idealism, unhappiness and

depression

7. Acquaintances, friends and peers

8. Family relationships:

siblings and only children

9. Values, traditions and uniqueness

10.Complexities of successful parenting

Ten topics

Guidelines and principles for leading SENG model groups

• Model desired behaviours

• Start where parents are at

• Focus on take-home value

• Avoid being the ‘expert’

• Reflect direct questions

• Provide some information

• Pace the group appropriately

Guidelines and principles for leading SENG model groups

• Encourage parents to contribute

• Avoid confrontation

• Focus on the positive

• When highly personal issues arise –marital, personal or family difficulties should be generalised and if appropriate refer the parent for individual support

Guidelines and principles for leading SENG model groups

• Refocus or minimise irrelevant topics

• Manage the group – gracefully maintain control

• Use nonverbal behaviours (e.g., postural, facial, gestural)

• Specific verbal and nonverbal behaviours (e.g., think, observe, co-facilitate)

Low verbal activity – Listen, conduct, direct

• Articulate syllables

(e.g., “Oh” or “Mmm”)

• Repeat the person’s last word or a key word to provide emphasis

(e.g., “Angry” or “Alone”)

• Use an incomplete statement that restates a key word but leaves it hanging

(e.g., Strong feelings lately…)

Low verbal activity – Listen, conduct, direct

• Urge with a mild command

(e.g., “Go on…” “And then…” “So…”)

• Use general questions directed at a topic

(e.g., “You said something about stress”)

• Ask open questions

(e.g., “Do gifted children have stress?” or“What stresses are particularly likely for gifted children?”)

Parenting – A life time challenge

“Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other”

~John F. Kennedy

Valuing human interactions

• Expectant praise – focus on what you would like them to do (e.g., impart strategies)

• Catching someone doing something right

• Building on successes

• Rewards rather than punishments

• Meeting them “where they are”

Valuing human interactions

• Socratic questioning

• Turning statements into questions

• Recognising the feeling rather than the content

• Humour

• Metaphors, stories, folk-sayings, myths

• Short phrases and single-idea comments

Valuing human interactions

• Normalising

• Reframing

• Selective ignoring

• Allowing statements to go temporarily unchallenged

• Silence

• Nonverbal techniques

Homework tasks

• Parents are encouraged to try new behaviours and to focus on progress not perfection

• Parents are supported to implement the ideas and behaviours, rather than just talk about them

• By limiting their focus to one or two behaviours, parents are encouraged to be realistic in their expectations of what can be achieved in a week

Weekly session evaluations

Topic: Date:• What were the 1 or 2 ideas or

techniques presented that seemed particularly helpful to you and your family?

• What subjects or issues were not covered that you would like to discuss?

• What other suggestions or comments might help us to improve our programme?

Final evaluation

Date:

• What situations with your child or children, either at home or school, have been helped as a result of this group?

• How strongly would you recommend this support group for parents of gifted children?

• Comments:

Typical parent comments

• “Parenting is often a lonely job. It’s important to know you are not alone”

• “We’re lecturing less and talking more. My child is in the process of learning self-motivation rather than doing things under threat of punishment”

• “Communications have been opened with the school so that we are now working together to help solve problems”

The setting

• Should be located in a user-friendly, culturally open, convenient setting which allows the parents and facilitators to sit in a circle without a table in the middle

• Facilitators do not stand

• Lending library

The first session

• Important scene setter

• Introductions / nametags – warm up

(e.g., 2 truths and a lie)

• Brainstorm an adjective that describes their understanding of a “gifted child” (non-threatening, offers a springboard for introducing concepts, considers intensity and degree of characteristics found in gifted children).

The middle sessions

• A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children (By James Webb, Janet Gore, Edward Amend, Arlene DeVries) key text

• Review evaluation sheets, link session to comments / feedback

• Allow time for homework feedback, if something is not working try something different

• Weave key concepts of the topic into the discussion

• Offer opportunities to work in pairs / small groups as some parents are reluctant to speak in larger groups

The final session

• The facilitators are more active during the final session• It is not the time to introduce new areas, rather focus

on the conclusion• Comment on the growth of the group• Offer the opportunity for parents to consolidate gains

made• Encourage sharing of emails / phone contacts• The group may wish to arrange an informal coffee

meeting without the facilitators• Could share photos at last session - putting a face to

the stories shared

The dominating group member

• Indicators: monopolise conversation, continually tell loud stories, appear as a “know it all”, dominate group, are provocative.

• Strategies: trial nonverbal closure (e.g., focus attention on other group members), refocus the group by picking up on a point made and generalise things, seek the opinions of others, in the next session sit adjacent to the ‘dominator’ (it reduces the eye contact that invites speaking, often settles after 1-2 sessions if handled well), strong-willed parents are often settled by other participants too.

• Remember: many gifted parents have the intensities and sensitivities of gifted individuals

The withdrawn group member

• Indicators: appear shy, withdrawn, do not share or engage easily

• Strategies: time is helpful, they are likely to contribute once they feel comfortable, often get information by listening, check up individually or informally when the group is doing an activity, glance in their direction when asking a question invitingly, sit directly next to them on subsequent session to include them, read their nonverbals (e.g., Do they seem interested?, Do they attend regularly?).

• Remember: many gifted individuals come as introverts and extroverts…

The insightless group member

• Indicators: engage in behaviours that are not useful to them, their family; may interact with the school not seeming to be aware that their behaviours are not helpful and may be part of the problem.

• Strategies: acknowledge to yourself that they are probably doing the best they can, demonstrate patience, other parents often encourage the ‘insightless’ to try particular behaviours, recognise efforts to change

• Remember: use expectant praise…

The hostile group member

• Indicators: seem to have an unlimited string of “yes but…”, are openly critical, pontificate to others, describe and endorse an angry pattern of interactions with their child, display an openly hostile attitude

• Strategies: try using an indirect interpretation (e.g., Ms Hostile may have described a very angry interaction with her child, a few minutes later the facilitator says to another parent: “I really admire how you listened to your child, it is really important isn’t it for parents not to get overly angry to the point they stop listening to their child.”

• Remember: indirect interruptions can prevent explosions of hostility, and are less likely to arouse defensiveness or put an ego on the line.

The fragile group member

• Indicators: may present as extremely emotional, get tearful or upset, more likely to happen on the stress or depression session (e.g., a suicide attempt in the family).

• Strategies: always have two facilitators, continually monitor the group by visually scanning, “eye-checking” the group, offer them the opportunity to “step outside in the hall to talk”

• Remember: occasionally a parent has too many problems or too few coping strategies to benefit from the group. They may need professional help.

The action plan…

• Venue – location, atmosphere, room size, parking

• Time – evening or day time

• Fee schedule – agreed prior to establishing the group, flexibility, “trial” evening for session 1

• Advertising – your target audience

• Professional liaisons – have some psychologists, counsellors, mental health professionals to refer to

• Other resources – books, hand outs, QAGT, NZAGC, SENG

Other types of parent groups

• Advisory Boards / Councils

• Parent advocacy groups

• Alternative formats – one evening snapshots

• Extended sessions

• Use of technology – weekly emails, blogs

• Food – cultural practices important, final session may be more social

• School based option, subsidise expenses