edition 50 - march 2010

IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR DON’T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR THIS PUBLICATION PROBABLY ISN’T FOR YOU!

EDITION 50 MARCH 2010

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Mothers DaySunday 14th March

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Hello and welcome to the March edition of the Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express. As always if you have no sense of hu-mour or are easily offended then you should put this down immediately. A strange month February has been, what withmore snow, sunny periods, pot holes being filled in with Nescafe and grit, more snow, more complaints about both Lloydsbank and the Tewkesbury Taliban. The emails have been mildly amusing to read this month especially from the THREE peo-ple who fell into the trap last month with the girl looking for a job “this is me in my swimsuit – its blue”. I will not name thecompanies involved but in answer to your questions no, it wasn’t a serious job search and no, she is not available to comefor an interview. Dirty boys! Anyway have a great March and don’t lose your shirt over race week! Don’t forget Mothering

Sunday on the 14th March – your mum won’t forget, so remember or get beaten to a pulp. BigEd. X

Just in case you were unsure, the opinions expressed in this rag are the editors unless credited to another contributor. Ifsomething I write could be taken two ways and one upsets you – I meant the other way....

The Tewkesbury Taliban has been spotted going round in pairsagain. Mr Horsey, this is something you vehemently deniedduring a public meeting a while back. It’s also well document-ed that TBC keep claiming that there are no targets for the Tal-iban foot soldiers – however, from a source directly involvedwe have been informed that there are indeed targets and ifthe Taliban fail to achieve this target the bosses come downhard on them. More bullsh*t from TBC then.

A headline spotted in a newspaper: NEWS : 'Suicide BomberStrikes again' He is clearly not very good. BigEd

- 4 - Issue 50, March 2010 - The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express

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Cock of the Month “silly clucker” prize! Late entry from Ashley Cole clinches the February award.

Tewkesbury Air Cadets are still recruiting! Following the success of the Wing Parade in Tewkesbury in early February and theopen evening the following week the Air Cadets still have some space left to fill. Open to all 13 to 18 year olds, male or fe-male then you should come along to the Cadet Centre in Red Lane, Tewkesbury on a Monday or Thursday between 19:15(Quarter past seven!) and 21:30 (Half nine!). Alternatively contact the Officer in Charge at [email protected] or if you arein Winchcombe pop into the Sweetbox in Bull Lane and pick up some leaflets.

Gloucestershire Police successfully applied for the return ofmore than £1m of ill-gotten gains over the past year in its de-termination to make sure crime in the county doesn’t pay. Un-der the Proceeds of Crime act, officers from GloucestershireConstabulary’s Economic Crime Unit have secured 37 confisca-tion orders and 29 cash forfeiture orders since April 2009, inorder to recover funds directly or indirectly linked to criminalactivity. Cash forfeiture involves an offender forfeiting moneythat Police believe has been gained or will be used in criminal

The Winchcombe & Tewkesbury Express - Issue 50, March 2010 - 5 -

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activity. A confiscation order aims to re-coup money from the assets offendershave acquired from their criminal life-style - for instance property, cars andholidays. Police submit a list of assets,with estimated values, to the courts forthe judge to decide how much the of-fender should pay back and the timeframe in which they should do so. Themonies gained are then distributedthroughout the criminal justice systemand split between the Home Office,Crown Prosecution Service, Courts andPolice. If the money is not returned, theoffender could receive a jail sentence forfailing to comply with the order. At theend of January, Scott Milne Peters, fromCheltenham, who was previously convict-ed of possession of a class B drug withintent to supply, appeared at GloucesterCrown Court for a confiscation hearing.During the hearing, he was ordered topay back £186,272.87 in six months. If hedoes not comply with the order, he willbe faced with a two-year prison sen-tence. Detective Inspector Steve Burn-side, of Gloucestershire Constabulary’sMajor Crime Unit, said: “We have hadsome notable successes during the lastyear and no doubt this will continue.“This latest hearing shows the determi-nation of Gloucestershire Constabularyto prosecute and recover funds fromcriminals. “It should send a clear mes-sage that we will make whatever effort isneeded, not only to bring criminals tojustice, but to ensure they are not livingthe high life after they have served theirsentence.”

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Council's drive to improve recycling across the borough. Residents currently recycle 33 per cent of all household waste – buttargets for the next few years put pressure on Councils to increase recycling rates to 50 per cent by 2015 and 60 per cent by2020. Tewkesbury Borough Council hopes to reach a recycling rate of over 60 per cent with this new service – and this has al-ready been achieved by other Councils using the same scheme. To encourage residents to recycle as much as possible, Tewkes-bury Borough Council's service allows extra materials to be recycled and will now allow residents to recycle all food waste. Theaddition of food waste to the service is vital as the government has set a limit which determines how much biodegradable canbe waste to landfill. Council's which exceed this must pay to send more to landfill. All food waste collected in the new servicewill be recycled into compost, which is sent to be used on local farms. During March and April, households will receive blue-wheeled bins and food waste caddies to use in addition to their green-wheeled bins: Blue bin: The blue wheeled bin will replacethe current green recycling box. Providing the blue bin means residents will be able to recycle plastic bottles and cardboard, aswell as everything else they recycle now. Food caddies: The two caddies will be used for food waste. The small caddy is for usein the kitchen to collect the food waste. The large caddy will store the food waste that is collected in the small caddy for a week-ly collection. The food waste will be recycled in to compost. Green bin: The green-wheeled bin will be for any remaining wastethat can't be recycled or composted. It will still be a weekly collection service, which will look like this: Week 1: Food waste andgreen bin Week 2: Food waste and blue bin Tewkesbury Borough Council's Lead Member for Clean and Green Environment CllrJim Mason said: "Our residents do a very good job when it comes to recycling – but we now need to take it to the next level. Ifour recycling figures don't improve, we run the risk of being faced with financial penalties. "Our new recycling system is al-ready used by many Councils throughout the UK and is proving to be very effective and popular – so I really urge residents torecycle as much as possible."

Police are warning residents about a lottery scam that promises the recipient thousands of pounds of winnings. The warningcomes after a Willersey resident reported that she had received a letter claiming to be an award notification for “EuromillionsLottery International”. Local PCSO Victoria Stinchcombe said: “We believe this to be a scam whereby monies are requested tobe sent to an overseas location, namely Spain. “If you receive a letter like this please throw it away, or if you have concerns,contact Gloucestershire Police or a Crime Prevention Officer." The victim in this case paid out £900 to contacts stated on theletter before visiting her bank and being advised that it was likely to be a scam. Crime Prevention Officer Damon Blandfordsaid: “Fraudsters and thieves are always thinking up new ideas on how to separate you from your hard-earned cash and this isjust one example of the type of bogus letter you can receive either by post or email. “Letters such as these can appear on thesurface to be official but if something appears to be too good to be true, it very often is. We urge residents to always be on their


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Englands World Cup team pleaded with the FA for the return of John Terry. They were not after his footie skills they were justworried that with the WAGS having to stay at home throughout the tournament they would rather have the human ferret

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07740 633200Sometimes when my internet is down, I forgetthat the rest of my computer still works.

Pancake Day, The only day of the year wherehitting the ceiling is considered a bad toss.

I bought a new Casio keyboard the other day,but it seems to be broken as it'll only let meplay Wagner tunes. I think it's a Nazi synthesiz-er.

Does that “simples” meerkat understand thathe's giving free publicity toComparetheMarket.com?

Capello's just phoned Wayne Bridge and said,"I've just spoken to JT and he's lost the captain'sarmband. Do me a favour and have a good lookunder your bed for me."

Organising a 'sponsored walk' round a fat fe-male colleague's leg can get you the sack atwork apparently

The head of Cheltenhams Cinema says as therecession gets worse, more people are going tothe cinema. Because nothing helps you forgetyour troubles like a £5 Coke.

Roses are red, but there are also pink, whiteand yellow varieties. Violets aren't blue, they'reviolet, hence the name. I've got OCD. And mypoetry skills are also lacking.

I received an accidental text a couple of weeksback, it said: “Hi, be home soon, love ya, Sarahxxx “ Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have abit of fun so I text the woman back: Don't both-er, I don't love you, you're fat & I have beenbonking your sister for the last 6 months. Icouldn't wait for the reply, then it came: “Youok mum?”


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Good luck for Race Week & Happy Mothers Day on the 14th March!

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Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncelli's bush? Is it, A -Brown, B - Black, C - Blonde or D - Ginger" Wayne replies, "Can I phone a friend?"

Did anyone else hear about the bloke that was trapped under a hotel ruin for two days in Haiti? He says thathis iphone managed to save his life. He was able to use different apps on it to look up treatment to cuts andwounds, as well as using it as an alarm clock every 20 minutes to make sure he didn’t fall asleep. Am I theonly one missing something here? Why didn't he just phone someone for help?

When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door andrun away before they answered. Nowadays, it's known as "Royal Mail"

Ring Ring….Hello? 'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in thebedroom with Uncle Paul.' After a brief pause, Daddy says 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.' 'Ohyes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now.' Brief Pause. 'Uh, okay then, this is what Iwant you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shoutto Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.' 'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.' A few minutes laterthe little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it, Daddy.' 'And what happened, honey?' Well, Mommy jumpedout of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on thedresser and now she isn't moving at all!' 'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of thebed with no clothes on, too. He jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.............But Iguess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and Ithink he's dead.' Long Pause Longer Pause Even Longer Pause Then Daddy says 'Swimming pool? We don't............Is this 486-5731?' 'No, I think you have the wrong number.'


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Kevin wasn't killed by the car crash,Kevin wasn't killed by his head hittingthe airbag, Kevin was killed by his in-ternal organs being squashed againsthis ribs... So he was killed by thebloody car crash then?

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescoscomplaining because the top shelfwas broken, and he couldn't keep itup. I think he had A wrecked aisledysfunction

A new council tax re-evaluation poli-cy wants to charge us more if we livein a nice area. That ought to meandiscounts for those of us who live inrough areas. There is a huge councilhouse in our street the extendedfamily is run by a grumpy old womanwith a pack of fierce dogs her carisn't taxed or insured and doesn'teven have a number plate, but thepolice still do nothing. Her bad-tem-pered old man is notorious for racistcomments. A shopkeeper blameshim for ordering the murder of hisson and his son's girlfriend, but noth-ing has been proved yet. All theirkids have broken marriages exceptthe youngest, who everyone thought

was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They areout of control. I hate living near Windsor Castle.

SKY NEWS: Jordan's Man Wins Final Celebrity Big Brother. Thanks Sky News, but could you narrow itdown for us?

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster.

I was at Tesco’s yesterday, this thick bint was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charis-ma of a jellied eel. I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change. "£1.03 please""Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take allmy change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face. "like I said, its alli’ve got" I replied...she didn't get it so I thought right, I'll pay by card."Shall I pay by card?" I asked. "Don'tdo me no favours," she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcasti-cally. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please." One to me I think.

My wife isn't that bothered about Valentine's Day today. The fat one is too excited about pancake day onTuesday to even care.


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Saw a picture of Wayne Rooney's kid in The Sun.Anyone else think he looked a bit like John Terry?

Free iPad for all iPhone users. Just hold it closer toyour face.

There’s all this new technology for kids nowadays.The iphone Kids, the ipad kids but the worst sellerof the lot was the kids version of the itouch.

My Brother-In-Law thought it was funny telling meabout his sexual exploits with my Sister over theweekend. He didn't find it so funny when I gavehim tips of what she likes in bed.

My wife sent me a picture earlier with the message,"This is what's waiting for you when you get home."I'm not sure if I'm getting lucky or we're havingchicken.

I heard the new Boyzone song today. It was good,but there was something missing...

I am irrationally scared of places like shopping cen-tres, particularly if they are confusing and difficult tonavigate. I have a complex complex complex.


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Your Stars - By Pystical MikeRACE WEEK! If anyone has tips its me.....

just shop locally and speak tothe shop owners - they all know who will win.

Anyway to the stars...You are all winners this month & I am off on holiday.

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Just been on the go compare website for a few quotes. One question they asked me was " Where did you hearabout us?" I thought, are these people taking the piss?

My new Toyota is great - I didn't know it had cruise control. Any ideas how to turn it off?

I see Ron Weasley fell off his broom flying over Albert Square tonight.

Last week, we took some friends to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried aspoon in his shirt pocket. That seemed a little strange. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff hadspoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired 'Why the spoon? He ex-plained that the restaurant's owner hired a consulting group to revamp all of their processes. After severalmonths of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represented adrop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. The waiter said 'If our personnel are better pre-pared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck wouldhave it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitch-en instead of making an extra trip to get it now.' I was impressed. Then I noticed that there was a string hang-ing out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the male waiters had the same string hanging fromtheir flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that stringright there? He lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm also decided that we


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can save time in the restroom by tying this string to our you-know-what,so we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to washour hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.' I askedquietly 'So how do you put it back? 'Well,' he whispered. 'I don't knowabout the others, but I use the spoon.'

A group of 40 years old German buddies discussed where they shouldmeet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at theGasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there had low cutblouses. 10 years later the group met again and once again discussedwhere they should meet. Finally it was agreed that they should meet atthe Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there was very good , as wasthe wine selection. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group met againand once again discussed where they should meet. Finally it wasagreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they

could eat there in peace and quietand the restaurant was smoke free.At 70 years of age, the group metagain and discussed where theyshould meet. Finally it was agreedthat they should meet at theGasthof zum Lowen because therestaurant was wheel chair accessi-ble and they even had an elevator.10 years later the group met againand discussed where they shouldmeet. Finally it was agreed that itwould be a good idea to meet atthe Gasthof zum Lowen becausethey had never been there before.

Two elderly people, both widowed,had been going out with each otherfor a long time. Urged on by theirfriends, they decided it was finallytime to get married. before thewedding, they went out to dinnerand had a long conversation regard-ing how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living ar-rangements, and so on. Finally, theold gentleman decided it was timeto broach the subject of their physi-cal relationship. 'How do you feelabout sex?' he asked, rathertentatively.'I would like it infre-quently' she replied. The old gentle-man sat quietly for a moment,adjusted his glasses, then leanedover towards her and whispered: 'Isthat one word, or two?'

I heard Ashley Cole cheated onCheryl because she mimed her or-gasms.

What do you call a ginger prosti-tute? Orange, Pay As You Go.

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[email protected]

FIFTY O FIFTY Ltd.For all your vintage clothing & accessories

We specialise in clothing and accessories from 1900-1970's ish!! and we will do SWAP'SIES for most items in stock. We have a

large selection of Antique fine quality gem set jewellery and allrepair work has no Air Miles or Post!! We are available for

Insurance and Probate valuations.AUCTION! Our auction of antiques & fine quality jewellery& furnishings from 3 complete house clearances containing

over 400 lots is to be held on Saturday 24th April.For further details contact the shop.

4 North StreetWinchcombe.

Bridal wear for hire or purchase set price Hire £350 buy £650.


• Sales• Internet• Wireless• Software• Laptops

Service • Printers •Scanners •Upgrades •

PC Repairs •Sales & Service

On all makes ofcomputers & peripherals.

We provide supportwith our team ofskilled engineers.

Call us on

01242 605310Units 1& 2, The Old Dairy, Rushley Lane, Winchcombe. GL54 5JE

E-mail: [email protected]

Computer Problems?

edition 50 - march 2010

Documents

tewkesbury taliban

edition18 page

strange month

ifthe taliban

fruit boxeswe

fruit juices

high street

affordable prices