Dumb Luck Act 1 Scene 1

Setting: Limbo

At Rise: The lights come up on a stage with a large box. There is a sign on an easel

that reads, “Limbo”.

(A BUREAUCRAT, an older, bedraggled man, ENTERS. HE is carrying an iPad-like tablet. He looks out at the audience and does a double take.)

BUREAUCRAT Who let all of you in? You couldn’t wait another second for the afterlife. Where are my assistants. Those two are always goofing off. Let me tell you, I’m on my break anyway, so you’ll have to wait.

(BUREAUCRAT continues walking.)

ELMER (off-stage) Excuse me, sir?

(ELMER arrives. He is newly dead but is not showing any sign of the shootout.)

Sir, it’s Elmer McCurdy, with two “Cs”. Here to reap the bad seed I sewed so I can move on to make preparations for my loved one, LuluMae.

BUREAUCRAT (whining) Well, Elmer with “two Cs” and the girlfriend with the two “l’s”, this is my break with one “k”. ELMER Understood, Mr. Devil.

BUREAUCRA T I’m not the devil. There is no devil. But there is a good place and bad place and this is neither. It’s a way station. ELMER A “weigh” station? I’m about 162 pounds, minus a few, considering the blood that spilled out of my body. BUREAUCRAT No. A way station. Limbo. You wait until you’re processed. Takes a minute. You can wait.

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(SINGER 1 & SINGER 2 ENTER.) SINGER 1 Takes a minute to be processed, unless you are, like us…

SINGER 2 And have to wait for a proper burial.

ELMER I’d like one of those.

BUREAUCRAT Go away. You’re eating into my break time.

ELMER Go where? Can’t return to earth, can I? (No response.)How ‘bout I tell you my story so’s they’ll be no doubt where I’m headed.

SINGER 1 We’ll help. We can put your story to music. (To Bureaucrat)

(Opening box and feigning surprise as he/she pulls out guitars.)

SINGER 2 (To Bureaucrat) Mind if we take a look at his rap sheet.

BUREAUCRAT Here. But no processing until after the break.

(BUREAUCRAT hands them the tablet and both SINGERS look at it.)

SINGER 1

Elmer McCurdy was a... SINGER 2 And then he did...wow! SINGER 1 This is a good one!

(MUSIC 1: THE BALLAD OF ELMER MCCURDY) << Track 1>> SINGER 1

WE'LL TELL YOU A STORY

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ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH AND LUST AND LOVE AND GREED AND RICH FOLKS AND POOR FOLKS AND THAT OLD SHIBBOLETH OF PEOPLE GETTIN' WHAT THEY NEED. SINGER 2 OF SHOWMEN AND PLUMBERS AND A DESP'RATE ONE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE LAW OF BANKERS AND SLUMMERS AND A WHOLLY UN- EXPECTED DENOUEMENT SINGER 1 & 2 BY THE TIME THAT WE'RE FINISHED YOU'LL BE LAUGHIN' TILL YOU'RE PALE OR PERHAPS SHEDDING ALL KINDS OF TEARS WE'LL TELL YOU JUST A LITTLE, 'CAUSE TO TELL THE WHOLE TALE MIGHT TAKE OVER SEVENTY YEARS BUREAUCRAT (A TALE OF) TOUGH TROUBLE-MAKERS AND SMART FOLKS AND DUMMIES AND JUDGES WHO ACT IN SPITE AND TRUE FOLKS AND FAKERS AND SIDESHOWS AND MUMMIES SINGER 1 &2, BUREAUCRAT WITH NARY A DADDY IN SIGHT SINGER 1 & 2 (ALTERNATING) THERE’S VITAL RAILROADING AND WAKING AND DREAMING AND SEVERAL ATTEMPTS AT CRIME AND ITEMS EXPLODING ALL KINDS OF SCHEMING AND A GAS LEAK THAT’S FIXED JUST IN TIME ALL BY THE TIME THAT WE'RE FINISHED YOU MIGHT SIGH WITH RELIEF OR WE MAY HAVE AWAKENED YOUR FEARS TO TELL THE WHOLE TALE

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IT'S OUR STEADFAST BELIEF MIGHT TAKE OVER SEVENTY YEARS YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE THIS LITTLE BIOGRAPHY SINGER 1 & 2 HEY, WE'RE JUST DEAD BALLADEERS ALL AND TO TELL THIS WHOLE STORY IN ITS ENTIRETY MIGHT TAKE OVER SEVENTY YEARS WHO KNOWS? MIGHT TAKE OVER SEVENTY YEARS.

(Scene segues to…)

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Scene 2 Setting: Iola, Kansas, a small town. There is a gas lamppost.

At Rise: The easel now reads, “Iola 1903.” Entering onto the stage is the MAYOR

of Iola, a young slick visionary, carrying several letters. WILLIAM ROOT, a town councilman who owns Root’s Plumbing Supplies and Services, and a BUSINESSMAN follow him. The BUSINESSMAN turns on the gas and the flame flickers. ELMER pulls out his handy plumbing wrench.

(MUSIC 2: IOLA, KANSAS) <<Track 2>> ALL

IOLA KANSAS IN NINETEEN AUGHT THREE IS A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE (A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE) WITH SEWERS OUTSIDE AND PLUMBING INDOORS

LIT BY ELECTRICITY (ELECTRICITY) SO WHY KEP SEARCHING FOR HEAVEN ON EARTH OVER LAND OR SEA OR FOAM (THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD YOU MAY ROAM) COME AND MAKE IOLA, KANSAS YOUR HOME (YOUR HOME)

GAS IS FLOWING, GAS IS FLOWING (continuous)

MAYOR Why look. Word of Iola’s prosperity has delivered another Christian to our door. Welcome friend! May I know your name? ELMER It’s Elmmmmmm... ah…Frank…Curtis. That’s right, Frank Curtis, from Bangor, Maine. MAYOR Join us.

ELMER GAS IS FLOWING, GAS IS FLOWING ABUNDANT UNDER THE GROUND

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MAYOR POWERING ALL KINDS OF INDUSTRY BUSINESSMAN WE KEEP GROWING, NEVER SLOWING, EVER SINCE IT WAS FOUND ALL JUST IGNORE THE SMELL, YOU’LL LOVE THE AIR HERE

BUSINESSMAN

THE AIR RIGHT HERE

ALL HERE IN IOLA, WE TRUST IN THE LORD AND THE SINNERS MUST ALL COME CLEAN (ALL MUST COME CLEAN) WE MAY BE WESTERN, BUT WE AREN'T WILD AND THE WHOLE TOWN'S NICE AND GREEN (SO NICE AND GREEN) LOOKING FOR PLUMBERS AND CARPENTERS TOO ELMER Plumbers! That’s me. ALL IF YOU WANT TO SETTLE DOWN (AND NEVER TO ROAM) COME AND MAKE IOLA, KANSAS YOUR WONDERFUL NEW HOME TOWN YOUR NEW HOME TOWN COME AND MAKE IOLA KANSAS YOUR HOME HOME HOME HOME HOME

ELMER (holding wrench) Looking for plumbers? I’ve loads of experience with this.

MAYOR Wonderful! Welcome then. I imagine, Mr. Curtis, you’ll want to change out of those “travelling” clothes. The Union Hotel is right over there. ELMER

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Never stayed at a hotel. Sure don’t have that kind of money. Hoping to find a job first. MAYOR Have you had proper schooling? ELMER Well…you see…in my youth, I didn’t / have a real dad -- MAYOR Adhere to your studies / I assume. ELMER -- but I have a knack / for making the best --

MAYOR Getting into trouble! This is not a town for vagrants and railroad journeymen! ELMER Sir, you said / you were looking for plumbers and… MAYOR (to the others) Gentlemen, we have some business to discuss at the courthouse. (To Elmer) I suggest you take whatever money you have and buy a ticket for the 2:45 train to Wichita. (They EXIT. ELMER slowly burns and becomes angry.) ELMER (yelling after them) You don’t understand. I only need tools. And a job. And a little room. And some food. Give me chance.

(Realizing they’ve abandoned him.) So much for a new start. My ma couldn’t afford to dress me in fancy clothes. And I had a little brush-up with the law. Why does that matter?

(We HEAR the sound of gas hissing. ENTERING is LULUMAE, an energetic young woman who is physically imperfect in some way – heavy or tall. She has a good heart and is anxious to find a man. She rushes into the scene in a panic. She is dragging an impossibly large wrench that is difficult to carry.)

LULUMAE

Sir, sir! // Have you seen -- (She stops herself at the sight of Elmer. She is entranced.) ELMER

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What the heck? LULUMAE Are you new here?! Never mind. Have you seen my pap, William Root. He was probably with the Mayor.

(Pointing just off stage) The main gas pipe is leaking! // The last time, it exploded. ELMER Can I lend a hand? Know my way around leaks. LULUMAE Natural gas?! ELMER A pipe’s a pipe. LULUMAE Take it!

(ELMER turns a big valve to stop the water) You’re kind of scrawn– (Hissing noise stops.) Not that scrawny! (Under her breath) Biceps aren’t so bad.

(ELMER proudly holds up wrench. WILLIAM ROOT returns and mistakenly thinks Elmer is attacking LuluMae.)

You saved the town! Thank you.

WILLIAM Stop! Stop, man -- LULUMAE Pap, no! WILLIAM -- move away from my daughter. We told you to get out of this town but you wouldn’t listen. (Yelling after Sherriff) Sherriff! Sheriff! ELMER // I…I… LULUMAE // No pap, there was a gas leak. Look who appeared! A white knight with a wrench.

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WILLIAM Lulu Mae, that imagination of yours. This man is a vagrant. LULUMAE Even so, he stopped the leak. We could use a man in our shop… WILLIAM Don’t you get any ideas LuluMae... (To Elmer, referencing the wrench) Where did you learn how to handle one of those? ELMER My grandfather took an interest in me and taught me a thing or two or three about clogs and leaks and all this new-fangled indoor toiletry. WILLIAM Do you know anything about natural gas? ELMER A pipe’s a pipe. I learn fast. WILLIAM What did you say your name was? ELMER Um….Frank Curtis. WILLAM Do you work hard? ELMER Yes, sir. WILLIAM Are you good with customers? ELMER Always polite. WILLIAM Are you a god-fearing man? ELMER I’m not a heathen or anything. (WILLIAM looks stern.)

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Introduce me to the minister and I’ll promise to seek forgiveness for anything I did or will do. WILLIAM (reluctant) Well…you’re hired, Frank, temporarily. ELMER But the Mayor said I should leave -- WILLIAM You can fix leaks in City Hall -- for free. ELMER Whatever it takes sir. I will prove you right. (THEY shake hands. LULUMAE is delighted.) WILLIAM LuluMae, you go on, now. (LULUMAE EXITS.) That’s my daughter. Don’t you even look sideways in her direction. Understand?

(WILLIAM EXITS.)

ELMER Yes, sir. First time anyone has ever stuck up for me in my entire life. (MUSIC 3: DO RIGHT BY HER) <<Track 3>> ELMER

WHERE I GREW UP THEY DIDN'T DO RIGHT BY ME IT WAS A TIME FULL OF WANT MY MOM TOLD EVERYONE THIS BASTARD THAT SHE BIRTHED WAS THE SON OF MY AUNT GOT INTO TROUBLE AND I FIGGERED I'D GO FAR FROM STUCK-UP FOLKS IN MAINE RAN ALL THE WAY TO KANSAS, HOW COULD I KNOW THAT MOST OF 'EM HERE ARE JUST AS VAIN? RIGHT AT THE MOMENT I'M CONFRONTING MY FATE STARING INTO THE ABYSS I GET A CHANCE I COULDN'T ANTICIPATE 'CAUSE OF A WONDERFUL MISS SHE STOOD RIGHT UP TO HER OWN DADDY FOR ME CALLED ME A KNIGHT WITH A WRENCH! AIN'T THAT THE KIND OF MAN I KNOW I COULD BE

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FOR SUCH A WONDERFUL WENCH? I COULD BE ALL THAT A MAN COULD EVER BE SO I COULD DO RIGHT BY HER I WOULDN'T FALL, IT'S AN IRON GUARANTEE I BET HER DAD WOULD CONCUR I'LL DRESS THAT GAL IN THE FINEST KIND OF CLOTHES LIKE SILK AND SATIN AND FUR YEAH, THAT OLD GRINDSTONE'S GONNA MEET MY NOSE SO I CAN DO RIGHT BY HER I'LL WORK AS HARD AS ANY MAN EVER DONE EVERY DAY, EVERY NIGHT I'M GONNA BE IOLA'S FAVORITE SON CAUSE I’LL DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I'LL EARN SO MUCH, I’LL STEAL THE KEY TO THEIR CLUB I'LL BE IN THAT UPPER CLASS I'LL BE THE GUY THEY CALL WHENEVER THERE'S TROUBLE WITH WATER, TOILETS, OR WITH GAS. I WILL BE ALL THAT A MAN CAN EVER BE SO I CAN DO RIGHT BY HER CUSTOMERS MIGHT SAY ANNOYING STUFF TO ME BUT I'LL CALL THEM "MADAME" AND "SIR." I'LL MAKE MORE THAN ANY CROOK COULD EVER STEAL STAND BACK AND WATCH IT OCCUR NOW BOTH MY SHOULDERS GONNA MEET THAT WHEEL SO I CAN DO RIGHT BY HER SO I CAN DO RIGHT BY HER segues to…

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Scene 3

Setting: Iola Hardware & Plumbing

At Rise: The easel now reads, “Iola Hardware & Plumbing”. ELMER is working

on a plumbing project. LULUMAE is behind the counter working the shop’s ledger.

(LULUMAE keeps looking up from the ledger at ELMER. He catches himself looking at her and looks away. This happens several times.)

LULUMAE That’s it. Can’t do this anymore. ELMER I’d help but --

LULUMAE I meant you.

ELMER Had some problems at school --

LULUMAE No. I meant – what is wrong with you?

ELMER Huh?

LULUMAE For six months, you’ve been looking at me all the time with such sweet and gentle eyes, but you never ask me out.

ELMER I think you’re a mighty good woman. One who deserves a man. You know, a man who can afford to give you what you deserve.

LULUMAE Like you?

ELMER I’ve only got $18 in the bank. Suspect your father would require a more satisfactory sum for a man to start courting his daughter. Can’t imagine he’d consider us a perfect match.

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(ELMER EXITS.) LULUMAE (yelling after him, joking) You got a point. (Looks around) The Root Family demands perfection. (MUSIC 4: IMPERFECT) <<Track 4>> LULUMAE

THEY USED TO SAY, IN MY MAIDEN YOUTH THE PERFECT MAN WAS COMING THEY ALL WOULD SWEAR THAT IT WAS THE TRUTH AND HE WAS ALMOST HERE AND I DID BELIEVE IT AS I'D SIT AND WAIT DID THEY MISPERCEIVE WHAT WAS TO BE MY FATE? THEY NEVER SAID THAT MY HARE-BRAINED HEART WOULD CHOOSE ME SUCH A MATE OH NO, HE'S NOT PERFECT BUT I GUARANTEE HOW BEREFT I WOULD BE IF HE WERE NOT WITH ME. I NEED NOT A CHAMP’YON WITH TREASURES TO BRING I NEED NOT A HERO NOR KING THOUGH SO MANY WOMEN WOULD BID HIM ADIEU AND WAIT FOR A PRINCE WHO DESERVES MY “I DO” BUT I’M HERE TO IMPLORE HIM LIVE FOR HIM ADORE HIM FOR I AM IMPERFECT, TOO. I'D SEE MY COUSINS AND FRIENDS AND THOSE WHO HAD GENTLEMEN CALLERS. WHILE NEVER JEALOUS OF ALL THEIR BEAUS FOR MINE WAS ALMOST HERE AND I'D SIT AND DAY DREAM 'NEATH A WILLOW TREE FINALLY, IT NOW SEEMS THAT IT’S COME TO BE I NEVER DREAMED THAT MY SILLY SOUL CHOSE SUCH A MAN FOR ME

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OH NO, HE'S NOT PERFECT BUT I GUARANTEE HOW BEREFT I WOULD BE IF HE WERE NOT WITH ME. I CARE NOT A FIG BE HERO OR KNAVE WHEN HE’S ALL THAT I EVER COULD CRAVE THOUGH SO MANY WOMEN WOULD BID HIM ADIEU AND SAY HE’S NOT WORTHY OF ME, WHICH IS TRUE BUT I’M HERE TO IMPLORE HIM LIVE FOR HIM ADORE HIM FOR I AM IMPERFECT, TOO. ELMER

Lulumae, I would be honored if you would join me at the Iola Annual Carnival. (Segue to…)

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Scene 4 Setting: Carnival Sideshow, Iola, Weeks Later

At Rise: ELMER and LULUMAE are dressed in their finest clothes. With the

approval of William Root, they are about to embark on a courtship. To celebrate, they have come to the carnival. Center stage is the CARNIVAL BARKER of a Sideshow preparing to “build the tip” – the first come-on to the crowd to get them interested in his pitch. ELMER and LULUMAE are walking by the Sideshow more engrossed in themselves then the BARKER. The easel reads, “Iola Carnival”.

LULUMAE …and we’ll have three children and a small house, nothing fancy. Frank, you’ll build us a nice porch that will wrap around the house. ELMER A house is a grand idea and all, but the money -- LULUMAE I’ve waited my whole life for you – ELMER You’re only 22. LULUMAE You never know how long you have. BARKER Hey there, fella. How would you like you to turn your misfortunes into a fortune? Yes, you! A ten-dollar bill for the price of a penny! ELMER There’s gotta be a catch. BARKER Not if you can answer one question…. (MUSIC 5: BALLYHOO) <<Track 5>>

LULUMAE Elmer, let’s go.

(The BARKER, waves the bill in front of ELMER.)

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BARKER What’s the secret name for this ten-dollar bill?. ELMER A sawbuck! BARKER No, everyone calls it that. // Its special nickname is hiding in plain site. ELMER A tenner. // A ten-spot.

BARKER Friends, when you flip this bill around, the eagle turns into a jackass. That’s why they call it the “Jackass Note.” ELMER Did you see that, LuluMae?

BARKER SO ALL YOU GOOD FOLKS COME AND GATHER 'ROUND PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN PREPARE TO SEE A SHOW ASTOUNDING AND IMMENSE LULU BIGGER THAN IOLA ELMER YOU HAVE NO IDEA BARKER TEN DOLLARS FOR ONE CENT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUN BUT EVEN BETTER IS OUR TEN IN ONE AND YOU CAN SEE THE WORLD EXPAND FOR JUST TWO CENTS. ELMER TWO CENTS! LULU WE SHOULD SAVE OUR MONEY BARKER YOU'LL SEE A LADY WITH ELASTIC SKIN YOU'LL SEE A BOY WHOSE HEAD COMES TO A PIN YOU'LL SEE A MAN WHO LIES ON NAILS AND STOPS HIS HEART

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ELMER WHAT A THING! LULU I DON’T WANT TO SEE ELMER WHAT A THING! BARKER YOU'LL SEE A GIRL WHO HAS AN EXTRA HAND YOU'LL SEE A MUMMY HERE FROM EGYPT LAND AND YOU'LL SEE TWINS WHO NEVER GET A MOMENT APART LULU POOR TWINS DRUNKEN MAN WONDER HOW THEY DO THEIR BUSINESS BARKER ALL THE FOLKS INSIDE ARE JUST LIKE ME AND YOU YOU WANT FOOD AND LOVE AND SAFETY AND THEY WANT IT TOO EACH OF THEM HAS TURNED THEIR OWN MISFORTUNE INTO WEALTH AND FAME LULU AND ELMER THEY HAVE ALL GAINED FORTUNE AND FAME BARKER SOME, TO SIMPLY BARE THEMSELVES, ARE VERY BRAVE AND SOME WORKED HARD PERFECTING WHAT THE GOOD LORD GAVE TWO CENTS BUYS INSPIRATION TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO SOMEDAY DO THE SAME. BARKER (to Elmer)

Sir, you look like a strong man.

DRUNKEN MAN ALL THE FOLKS INSIDE ARE JUST LIKE ME AND YOU YOU WANT FOOD AND LOVE AND SAFETY AND THEY WANT IT, TOO BARKER

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WHY NOT LEARN TO TURN YOUR OWN MISFORTUNE INTO WEALTH AND FAME? LULU ELMER WE’RE SIMPLE PEOPLE WE COULD GET FAME AND FORTUNE, TOO BARKER I KNOW DEEP INSIDE OF YOU, YOU’RE VERY BRAVE AND YOU WORK HARD PERFECTING WHAT THE GOOD LORD GAVE THIS SHOW WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE, SO COME ON IN AND YOU’LL BE ONE UP ON THE GAME. BARKER TWO CENTS! DRUNKEN MAN MARVEL AT THE HARDSHIPS THAT THIS GROUP OF STALWART SOULS ALL OVERCAME BARKER (Shouts) TWO CENTS! BARKER GET THE INSPIRATION THAT SOME DAY YOU’LL…

ALL SOME DAY DO THE SAME.

DRUNKEN MAN (to Elmer) Did you swallow a sword or is that just your Adam’s apple.

(ELMER is trying hard to ignore him. The BARKER steps in to relieve the tension.)

BARKER (to Elmer) Sir, for your help in our presentation, I’d like to invite you and your lovely lady friend to be the first one in the door – for free! ELMER Well, well!

(ELMER takes LULUMAE’s hand to go inside the show, but she hesitates.) DRUNKEN MAN (referring to LuluMae)

The Hippo Lady gets in free.

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ELMER What did you say? DRUNKEN MAN (pointing to Elmer) Charge her extra for the “baggage” behind her. ELMER Do not insult my intended!

(ELMER walks towards him menacingly. The DRUNK MAN, staggering, puts his hands up to fight. ELMER pulls out a small plumbing tool – a slender basin wrench. The DRUNK MAN smirks at the weapon. The BARKER jumps in.) BARKER

Stop! Or the Giant Man comes out and sits on both of you. ELMER Apologize to my girl! I once did some time in jail for fisticuffs. But the loser got off worse. He did time in the hospital. Ask anyone in Bangor, Maine about, me, Elmer McCurdy.

(ELMER gets right in the man’s face. The DRUNK MAN burps. ELMER gestures like he’s going to hit him, but doesn’t. The DRUNK MAN flinches. LULUMAE runs to him to try to stop him. WILLIAM ROOT enters unseen.)

DRUNKEN MAN

I’m sorry, ma’am. LULUMAE (very appreciative) I appreciate that. Sometimes, we all have too much to drink. (The DRUNK MAN staggers off and EXITS.) LULUMAE (to ELMER) Frank, what were you saying about some Elmer fella? Is that your real name? ELMER Well – hell – now it’s out. LULUMAE (shocked) I’m not the kind of woman who puts up with fabrication.

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ELMER Everything I told you is true except my name…

(WILLIAM ROOT comes marching to ELMER. The tables are completely turned on ELMER as WILLIAM gets in Elmer’s face. LULUMAE stands between them as they approach.)

WILLIAM I knew it. I knew it. You have been lying to us from the minute you stepped off that train. ELMER Mr. Root, sir. All that matter is that I gave you an honest day’s work for an honest day’s wage and that I have respected you and everyone in this town. WILLIAM LuluMae. Stand aside. So you admit it. You’re no more Frank Curtis than that drunk is. ELMER I came here to start over. In Bangor, I got into a fair fight with a fella. He was the son of a lawyer. I didn’t have a pap. So you can guess who ended up in the county jail. WILLIAM You have until tomorrow to get out of this town! LULUMAE Pap, no, let him stay. He’s right.

WILLIAM There’s no other choice.

LULUMAE But we haven’t even been courting for 24 hours.

WILLIAM You can’t marry him. ELMER It’s not fair.

LULUMAE Why can’t I have even one perfect day WILLIAM (to Elmer) I forbid you to contact LuluMae – now and forever.

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ELMER

LuluMae. LuluMae. I love you. I really do. WILLIAM Get your things and leave now!

(ELMER wants to keep up his bravado but gives in. WILLIAM tries to pull LULUMAE away.)

ELMER I promise you won’t forget the name, Elmer McCurdy.

WILLIAM Why’s that?

ELMER I’ll get back to you late when I get me…credentials, money and stuff! LULUMAE Elmer!!!! (ELMER EXITS. LULUMAE cries.) LULUMAE Elmer…. WILLIAM There, there. We can find someone else to help out at the plumbing store. LULUMAE Not like him. WILLIAM I hope not. (MUSIC 6: IMPERFECT, REPRISE)

LULUMAE FOR I NEED TO IMPLORE HIM LIVE FOR HIM ADORE HIM FOR I AM IMPERFECT, TOO.

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Scene 5 Setting: Army Classroom, Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas At Rise: Standing in the classroom, in front of a table filled with chemicals and

small sticks of dynamite is Lieutenant Douglas MACARTHUR. ELMER, AMOS and a PRIVATE march in formation into the Classroom. The easel reads, “Ft. Leavenworth 1907”.

MACARTHUR Now, that we’ve given you a theoretical understanding of demolition and its uses in the field of war, we turn to the practical side of the business – making explosives. You will learn to do it right or my name isn’t Lieutenant Douglas MacArthur. Can I have a volunteer to help with this nitroglycerin? (No response.) Come now, a bit of dynamite and rack-a-rock can’t do more than blow off a few fingers. (Still no response). (Pointing to ELMER) You there soldier. What’s your name? ELMER (hesitant) Private Elmer McCurdy, sir. MACARTHUR How would you like to be an explosives technician for the Army’s Engineering Battalion? ELMER Yes sir! I’m sure it will help impress the father of the woman who I’m destined to be with for all eternity. (Music Cue: BLOW THINGS UP) MACARTHUR He will because we’re building the marvels of the 20th century.

ELMER Will it get get me some shiny brass like you have?

(MacArthur is more interested in lecturing than paying attention to the chemicals. During the course of the song, ELMER is doing a poor job handling chemicals, spilling them, cleaning them up.)

(MUSIC 7: BLOW THINGS UP) <<Track 6>> MACARTHUR

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MEN, IT'S THE JOB OF A GOOD ENGINEER TO, TAKE A LANDSCAPE AND MAKE IT ALL CLEAR LIKE THE NOBLE BEAVER ON OUR BATALLION PATCH WHEN NOTHING IS THERE, THEN YOU CAN BUILD THINGS FROM SCRATCH AMOS, ELMER, PRIVATE SCRATCH! SCRATCH! SCRATCH! MACARTHUR PRIDE IN CONSTRUCTING A BUILDING THAT'S TALL CAN'T MATCH THE THRILL OF MAKING ONE FALL YOU'LL BE PROUDER THAN A PEACOCK YOU'LL BE HAPPY AS A PUP WHEN YOU HAVE GOT THE SKILLS TO BLOW THINGS UP MACARTHUR IF THERE ARE HILLS WE CAN'T GO THROUGH, DO WHAT? AMOS, ELMER, PRIVATE (unsure) WE BLOW THEM UP? MACARTHUR IF THERE ARE TREES THAT BLOCK OUR VIEW, DO WHAT? PRIVATE, ELMER, AMOS (still unsure) WE BLOW THEM UP?! MACARTHUR ENEMY CAMPS AND ANY VILLAGES THAT THEY OCCUPY WE LIGHT THE FUSE AND WATCH THE PIECES FLY PRIVATE, AMOS LIKE SNOWFLAKES! MACARTHUR BUFFALOES THAT GET IN OUR WAY, DO WHAT? PRIVATE, AMOS WE BLOW 'EM UP! ELMER

What? MACARTHUR

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WHERE THERE'S NOTHING, THEN WE WILL BUILD A FORT AMERICANS ARE ALWAYS WINNERS, IF NOT, THEN WE RESORT, TO WHAT WE DO BEST; AND WE BLOW THINGS UP

MACARTHUR (to Elmer) Dynamite will win you that girl, Private. AMOS And if it doesn’t, let me introduce you to a friend that will. (AMOS pulls out a gun.)

AMOS I, NEVER HAD SUCH A FEELING BEFORE I, GOT A WAY NOW TO EVEN THE SCORE GUYS THAT I WAS WATCHING OUT FOR BIG AS THEY CAN BE ALL OF THEM NOW, HAD BETTER WATCH OUT FOR ME! PYOO! PYOO! PYOO! THEY THINK THEY'RE SMART BUT I'LL TAKE 'EM TO SCHOOL I'LL SHOW 'EM ALL, I'M NOBODY'S FOOL I FEEL RICHER THAN A BANKER, I’M THE TOUGHEST GUY IN TOWN BECAUSE I GOT A WAY TO TAKE 'EM DOWN. AMOS

Elmer, listen up! AMOS ANYONE LOOKING AT MY GIRL

ELMER, PRIVATE, MACARTHUR NOW HE CAN TAKE 'EM DOWN AMOS ANYONE WITH SOME CRAP TO HURL

ELMER, PRIVATE, MACARTHUR NOW HE CAN TAKE 'EM DOWN. AMOS JUMP A LINE THAT I’VE BEEN WAITING IN THOUGH I MAY BE SMALL I PULL THE TRIGGER AND WATCH GOLIATH FALL ELMER, PRIVATE, MACARTHUR

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LIKE RAINDROPS AMOS KIDS WHO ARE MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE

MACARTHUR, PRIVATE NOW HE CAN TAKE 'EM DOWN ELMER Who are we fighting? AMOS

NO ONE EVER IS GONNA SPOIL MY FUN LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, LIFE IS WONDERFUL, NOW I GOT A GUN AND NOW I GOT A FRIEND TO TAKE 'EM DOWN

(MACARTHUR repeats his verse/chorus during the following) AMOS

FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, I CAN HAVE A LOT OF FUN BECAUSE I GOT ME SUCH A BIG AND SHINY GUN, AND I CAN USE IT WITH DISPATCH BECAUSE WHEN NOTHING IS THERE, THEN YOU CAN BUILD THINGS FROM SCRATCH ELMER, PRIVATE SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH AMOS I'LL TAKE A LOT OF PRIDE IN PUMPING LEAD I'LL LEARN TO SHOOT ‘EM DEAD. I SAID, I'LL BE PROUD AND HAPPY THROUGH THE TOWN 'CAUSE I KNOW I CAN TAKE 'EM ALL DOWN AMOS MY GUN, MY GUN IS PRECIOUS TO ME NO ONE'S GONNA TAKE IT FROM MY FINGERS I WILL HOLD ON TO IT IT WILL KEEP ME SAFE I WILL NEVER, NEVER EVER GIVE IT UP MACARTHUR

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All together, men. ELMER (in counterpoint) NOW HOW THE HELL IS GUY

SUPPOSED TO MIX THIS AND GET NITRO THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED ON FOR GOT TO HOLD IT STEADY, MAKE IT READY WHAT? NO, NO, NO. WHY AM I MAKING THIS DYNAMITE WHEN I WOULD RATHER BE MAKING A BRIDGE? ‘CAUSE I KNOW HOW TO BLOW THINGS UP.

(At the last note, ELMER mixes the wrong chemicals. There’s the SOUND of a huge explosion and a BLACK OUT.)

MACARTHUR Private McCurdy! See your sergeant about a discharge! (Segue to…)

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Scene 6 Setting: Court Room, St. Joseph, Missouri At Rise: ELMER, still wearing his Army uniform, and AMOS, Elmer’s Army

buddy are standing before a JUDGE. The JUDGE is holding a small bag of dynamite powder. The easel reads, “Courtroom, St. Joe 1911”.

JUDGE Mr. McCurdy, is it true that, among the items found in your possession, was nitroglycerine? ELMER Yes, your honor.

JUDGE Explain to the court, why a man, a stranger to this town, lacking a job, would be wandering the train yard carrying nitroglycerine, if he wasn’t up to no good. ELMER Your honor, you see, the Army gave it to me. I was training to be a munitions specialist in the at Ft. Leavenworth.

JUDGE Would you have us believe that the Army allowed you to leave the base with such valuable chemicals in your pocket?

ELMER They were in a hurry to discharge me, sir.

JUDGE And send you to our town with that explosive! Were you planning on using that to open a safe on a particular Missouri Pacific train that was heading to the Colorado mines?

ELMER (serious) Your honor, I had no idea there was a safe on that train. JUDGE Your friend was carrying the manifest! AMOS In his defense -- JUDGE Quiet!

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ELMER I was just palling around with Amos. Not looking to get caught up in any trouble. We’re men of good character. How you can keep us in jail for three days when we didn’t do anything wrong? JUDGE You promised someone would appear in this court to vouch for your character. Where is that person? AMOS I’ll vouch for him -- (JUDGE shows tools from a bag. He scowls at AMOS.) JUDGE (to Amos) Nonsense! You’re under suspicion as well for carrying these tools! Remain here. I need to confer with the Sheriff. The jail is overrun with scoundrels like you. (JUDGE EXITS.) ELMER (whispering to Amos) Why is it that you wanted to walk through that railroad yard?

AMOS Always had a fondness for trains. ELMER Why did you keep asking about the nitro? AMOS Conversational fodder. Look, in these big cities, no one gives you a chance…unless you’re walking down Main Street with a box of cigars under one arm and a perfumed tart under the other.

ELMER I’m beholden to LuluMae. I would never go with no tart.

AMOS Not even a tart-let? But they don’t know that. They won’t give you a first chance, much less a second one. ELMER I know! AMOS You’re a decent man Elmer McCurdy. Why, even you could be a “right honorable

29

citizen”. Or judge. Bet you wouldn’t send innocent men to prison. You know what I say, time to change things up around here. If we get out of this mess, we’ll show ‘em. ELMER What do you mean? (MUSIC 8: RIGHT AMOUNT OF WRONG) <<Track 7>>

AMOS

JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF WRONG IS HOW WE’RE GONNA MAKE THINGS RIGHT ARE YOU GONNA GO ALONG, OR ARE YOU GONNA STAND AND FIGHT? THEY TRIED THEIR BEST TO MAKE US WEAK BUT WE CAN SHOW ‘EM THAT WE’RE STRONG WE CAN START OUR LIVES ALL OVER WITH A LUCKY NEW STREAK AND JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF WRONG JUST A GOOD AMOUNT OF BAD TO COUNTERACT THE BAD THEY DO WITH ALL THE GOOD LUCK THAT THEY HAD WHAT’D THEY EVER DO FOR ME OR YOU?

ELMER THEY GET THE MEAT, WE GET THE SKIN.

AMOS BUDDY DON’T IT MAKE YOU MAD? ELMER IF WE’RE EVENIN’ THINGS UP A BIT IT WON’T BE A SIN. AMOS IT’S JUST A GOOD AMOUNT OF BAD BOTH WE COULD BE LIVING IT SWELL LIKE IN A FANCY HOTEL IF WE COULD GET WHAT THEY GOT AND HAVE A MANSION AND YACHT AND WHEN WE’RE GRABBING THEIR DOUGH WE WILL BE STRIKING A BLOW FOR THE POOR COMMON MAN AND THEN THE FAT GREEDY CATS THE BLOATED OLD PLUTOCRATS WILL LEARN THAT THIS IS THE DAY

30

THEY’RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY

AMOS IF WE DO THE SAME THAT ROBIN HOOD WAS DOING BEFORE IT’S JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF WRONG ELMER JUST A SWEET AMOUNT OF TOUGH (IS) ALL THAT WE ARE GONNA NEED WE'RE JUST GONNA TAKE ENOUGH NOT LIKE THEM WITH ALL THEIR GREED THOSE BASTARDS WHO HAS SUCH EXCESS WHEN WE AIN’T EVEN GOT ENOUGH WELL, WE’LL TEACH ‘EM THEY CAN SETTLE FOR LESS WITH JUST A SWEET AMOUNT OF TOUGH AMOS & ELMER WE COULD BE LIVING IT SWELL LIKE IN A FANCY HOTEL IF WE COULD GET WHAT THEY GOT AND HAVE A MANSION AND YACHT AND WHEN WE’RE GRABBING THEIR DOUGH WE WILL BE STRIKING A BLOW FOR THE POOR COMMON MAN AND THEN THE FAT GREEDY CATS THE BLOATED OLD PLUTOCRATS WILL LEARN THAT THIS IS THE DAY AMOS ELMER

THEY’RE GONNA IT'S BEEN HAVE TO PAY COMING FOR SO LONG

BOTH BY THE TIME WE’RE DONE, WE’LL TEACH ‘EM THEY CAN SETTLE FOR LESS ELMER WITH JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF

AMOS

CLEAR THEIR BANK ACCOUNT OF

ELMER/AMOS

JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT/DO IT WITH THE RIGHT…

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BOTH OF WRONG.

(LULUMAE ENTERS. She runs up to ELMER with her telegram.)

LULUMAE Elmer, I came as soon as I got this. ELMER I had all but given up on you, thinking that your father --

LULUMAE He doesn’t know. ELMER -- oh. You came. That’s all that matters. (JUDGE ENTERS.) JUDGE Ma’am. Who are you to interrupt the proceedings of this criminal -- LULUMAE This is my fiancé, your honor. Elmer McCurdy is a good hard-working man. JUDGE I would expect a man’s girlfriend to say that. Has he ever taken advantage of you? LULUMAE (blushing) He wouldn’t even agree to court me until he had enough money in the bank to satisfy my pap. He enlisted in the Army to better himself and serve our country. Please, your honor, I vouch for him. JUDGE Seeing that there is a lack of concrete evidence, I release both of you with this advisory: Spend less time at the train yard and more time at a Christian church – outside of Missouri.

(LULUMAE leads ELMER away. But ELMER looks back and we see that he and AMOS have decided on a course of action.) (Segue to…)

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Scene 7 Setting: Hotel Room, St Joseph At Rise: ELMER and LULUMAE are close in two chairs opposite each other. The easel reads, “St. Joe Hotel, 1911” ELMER What will your father say when you get back? LULUMAE I told him that my aunt, on my mother’s side, in Kansas City, was dying and that I should go and pay my respects. He never did like her much, so he won’t be asking questions ELMER LuluMae! LULUMAE Elmer, this situation is serious – for us. I stood up for you in front of the court, but how do I know you will stand up for me in life? ELMER Everything I’ve done since I met you is about our future and our family. LULUMAE I’m not one of those silly Iola girls who will do anything for a beau. You told a white lie when you came to Iola. I can live with that. But, you can only lie to me once. You got to promise you’ll do right by me and the law. ELMER I swear LuluMae. You are the only woman for me, and will ever be. LULUMAE Come with me out West. Open up our own plumbing store. I’m starting to know my way around faucets. ELMER Not yet. I’m back to being flat broke.

LULUMAE What will you do?

ELMER Amos has some ideas. We’ll stay with his cousin in Oklahoma, place called Pawhuska. Every day, I will write you even though I don’t have all the words I need to say. At night, I’ll send you little whispers.

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LULUMAE Oh, Elmer, it’s hard to be tough…when I’m around you. ELMER Just one thing, LuluMae. People have always looked down on me because I had no pap and did time in jail. Don’t you take no mind to them. I’ll always stay true to you. LULUMAE What do you mean? (MUSIC 9: IMPERFECT, REPRISE)

ELMER

OH NO, I’M NOT PERFECT BUT I GUARANTEE HOW BEREFT I WILL BE WHEN YOU’RE NOT HERE WITH ME. I’M HARDLY A CHAMP’YON WITH TREASURES TO BRING HARDLY A HERO NOR KING ELMER & LULUMAE THOUGH SO MANY OTHERS WOULD BID ME ADIEU AND THEY NEVER STAY TRUE AND DO ALL THAT YOU DO ELMER FOR I NEED TO IMPLORE YOU LIVE FOR YOU ADORE YOU THOUGH I AM IMPER --- (LULUMAE interrupts and kisses ELMER.)

(Segue to…)

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Scene 8 Setting: Banks and Trains At Rise: ELMER, AMOS and a HENCHMEN are standing around a bank safe, the

size of a stove. A CONDUCTOR is standing by nervously at gunpoint. The men are exasperated at not having opened the door to the safe on two previous tries. They have kerchiefs around their necks. ELMER lights a two-foot fuse. The easel reads, “Iron Mountain Railroad 1911.”

AMOS

Four thousand dollars. Four thousand dollars. We’ll all be rich! (MUSIC: 10: JUST OUR LUCK) <<Track 8>> ELMER

NOW WHEN YOU WORK WITH DYNAMITE YOU DON'T WANNA USE TOO MUCH YOU MIGHT BLOW OFF A FINGER OR YOUR NOSE OR SOMETHING SUCH THIS SAFE HAS GOT A LOT OF COINS RIGHT HERE INSIDE STAND BACK! I'M GONNA BLOW IT OPEN WIDE!

(Elmer puts one dynamite stick on the safe and lights it. Small explosion. Elmer puts two dynamite sticks on the safe and lights them. Slightly bigger explosion. Elmer puts three dynamite sticks on the safe and lights them. Bigger explosion. Safe door swings open)

AMOS LOOK AT ALL THIS MONEY! THERE’S SILVER AND THERE’S GOLD BUT I’M PULLIN’ AND I’M PUSHIN’ AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET A HOLD! I GAVE A YANK, I GAVE A WHACK, I GAVE A LITTLE NUDGE BUT I CAN’T GET A SINGLE COIN TO BUDGE. ELMER (slapping his forehead) WITH THE HEAT INSIDE THE SAFE FROM ALL THAT DYNAMITE I USED THE COINS ALL MELTED AND THEY ALL GOT FUSED!

ELMER

WELL AIN'T THAT

35

JUST OUR LUCK AIN'T THAT JUST OUR LUCK AMOS & ELMER THE FIRST TWO BLASTS MADE HEAT THE COINS ALL MELTED AND GOT STUCK! IT REALLY IS A SHAME BUT NO ONE IS TO BLAME WHEN IT WAS JUST OUR LUCK. ELMER IT AIN’T LIKE WE DIDN’T GET ANY I PRIED LOOSE A SILVER PENNY AMOS & HENCHMAN AIN’T IT JUST OUR LUCK.

(The easel reads, “Citizens Saving Bank 1911.” A new safe is wheeled out. The safe rests against a portable wall. ELMER lights a fuse. A POLICEMAN is leaning “outside” against the wall.) ELMER

I THINK I'VE LEARNT MY LESSON, BOYS THIS TIME I'M MAKIN' SURE THAT I’M GONNA USE ENOUGH, MORE THAN THAT IRON CAN ENDURE WE'LL GET THAT CASH IN THERE, AND IT'S A GENEROUS SUPPLY. STAND BACK NOW BOYS, AND WATCH THE GREENBACKS FLY.

(Elmer places three dynamite sticks on the safe. Stops and thinks. Adds a fourth. Stops and thinks. Adds a fifth, then a sixth, then a seventh. Sets them off, and the safe goes traveling, - ideally through a wall - landing in front of a passing cop.) HENCHMEN

YOU DIDN'T CRACK THE SAFE IT DIDN'T OPEN UP AT ALL! INSTEAD, IT'S OUT THERE IN THE STREET YOU BLEW IT THROUGH THE WALL! THE LAW IS GONNA BE HERE SOON WE BARELY GOT A CHANCE I SHOULD SET OFF THAT NITRO IN YOUR PANTS!

ALL

36

WELL AIN'T THAT JUST OUR LUCK AIN'T THAT JUST OUR LUCK HOW'S A SELF-RESPECTING CRIMINAL SUPPOSED TO MAKE A BUCK? ELMER WE DIDN'T CRACK THE VAULT BUT IT'S REALLY // NO ONE'S FAULT

HENCHMAN No one’s fault – your incompetent loon!

ELMER & AMOS NO, IT WAS JUST OUR LUCK

(The HENCHMAN’S yelling causes the policeman to wake up and chase the three bandits off stage.)

(The easel reads “MKT Railroad”. The three MEN draw guns and put bandannas over their nose and mouths, but take them off to sing. They mime waiting at the tracks for the train.)

HENCHMAN WITH NITRO, YOU’RE A NINCOMPOOP

NOW IT'S TIME TO USE A GUN IT'S SIMPLE AND DIRECT AMOS NOT TO MENTION, IT'S MORE FUN! ELMER THIS TRAIN COMES ‘ROUND FOUR TIMES A YEAR IT'S PULLING PILES OF CASH WE'LL HOP UP, MOP UP, STEP OFF IN A FLASH

(They flag down the train and jump aboard. They menace a CONDUCTOR.)

HENCHMAN

GIVE US ALL THE MONEY! DON'T SQUAWK OR BALK OR TALK! AMOS IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE SO FULL OF HOLES, YOU'LL WHISTLE WHEN YOU WALK

37

ELMER WE GOT SOME PLUCK WE GOT SOME LUCK WE GOT BRAINS AND BRAWN WE’LL TAKE OUR MILLIONS THEN WE'LL ALL BE GONE. CONDUCTOR YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED THIS TRAIN WHEN IT WAS ON THE OTHER TRACK. WE DELIVERED ALL THAT MONEY! NOW WE'RE EMPTY, HEADING BACK. I HATE TO SEE YOUR INSIDES GET ALL TIED UP IN A BUNCH. SO IF YER HUNGRY, I COULD SHARE MY LUNCH. ALL WELL AIN'T THAT JUST OUR LUCK AIN'T THAT JUST OUR LUCK ELMER WE ROBBED AN EMPTY TRAIN?

AMOS WHAT'N TARNATION?

HENCHMAN WHAT THE F--

ELMER (interrupting) HELL? ALL HOW COULD WE EVER KNOW WHICH WAY THE TRAIN WOULD GO? NO, IT WAS JUST OUR LUCK! WELL, AIN’T THAT JUST OUR LUCK AIN’T THAT JUST OUR LUCK YOU MAKE A CAREFUL PLAN THEN CIRCUMSTANCES RUN AMOK THINGS ARE MOVING RIGHT ALONG ‘TIL THEY START GOING WRONG AND AIN’T IT JUST OUR LUCK

38

(WE hear shots.) AMOS Police! (BLACK OUT)

39

Scene 9

Setting: Pawhuska Ranch, Pawhuska, Oklahoma. Upstage there is a ladder that

leads to the top of a barn. At Rise: From one side of the stage, ELMER cautiously walks on backwards

looking off-stage. A RANCHER, Amos’s cousin, enters upstage on the same side pointing a rifle at an unsuspecting ELMER. The easel reads “Pawhuska, October 7, 1911.”

RANCHER

Hold up their buddy! (ELMER stops.)

Or you’ll be feeling a hell storm of buckshot on your backside. ELMER I’m a friend – a friend of Amos from the Army. RANCHER That boy don’t have the best of judgment. And I reckon you’re in some kind of trouble – trouble I don’t need to be part of. ELMER Kind of follows me around. I told my girl, LuluMae Root that she could get news to me here. (RANCHER puts down the gun and pulls out a letter.) RANCHER Well…this here’s for Elmer McCurdy. (The RANCHER hands ELMER the letter.) Yes. Read it quick and then best be going. (MUSIC 11: THE LETTER) <<Track 9>>

(LULAMAE ENTERS in her own world and sings as ELMER mouths the words to the song.)

LULUMAE

ELMER, DEAR ELMER, I’M WRITING THIS LETTER TO YOU I’VE HEARD SOME ODD THINGS I KNOW THAT THEY CAN’T BE TRUE. FOR ELMER, DEAR ELMER THOUGH RUMORS ARE OUT OF CONTROL THERE’S ONLY GOODNESS DOWN THERE IN ELMER’S SOUL

40

THOUGH YOU’VE BEEN TALKED ABOUT AND YOU’VE BEEN MALIGNED, I KNOW MY CHERISHED ONE IS NOTHING BUT KIND SO, ELMER, MY ELMER, THESE ARE THE WORDS YOU MUST HEAR YOU ARE MY ELMER, MY DEAR

LULU & ELMER

DEAR ONE, THERE’S NO ONE COULD EVER CONVINCE ME YOUR BAD LULUMAE YOU’RE MY ULYSSES, YOU ARE MY GALLAHAD LULUMAE & ELMER ON SUNDAYS AT DINNER, I’VE SEEN YOU BOW DOWN AND GIVE THANKS LULUMAE NO MAN LIKE YOU COULD EVER BE ROBBING BANKS I KNOW EACH WORRY AND EVERY CONCERN THEY ALL WILL VANISH, LOVE WHEN YOU RETURN SO, ELMER, IN CLOSING, THERE’S JUST ONE MORE THING I NEED TO SAY WE’LL SEE IT THROUGH, DEAR JUST ME AND YOU DEAR AND OUR BABY, WHO’S ON THE WAY.

(The RANCHER is standing there impatiently.) RANCHER You need to leave. ELMER I got a write a letter to my girl. Could you take it to her? RANCHER I want nothing more to do with you. ELMER Which way to Iola?

41

RANCHER That way – which is where the law would be coming from if you done something wrong. ELMER Got to get to my girl!

(HE EXITS in that direction. The RANCHER stands there just watching and waiting. We HEAR gunfire. ELMER runs back in.)

RANCHER What I say…

(ELMER is panicked. RANCHER points up to the barn loft. ELMER climbs the ladder. HE makes like he is hiding behind the door to the hayloft.)

Good luck. (RANCHER EXITS.) SHERIFF Elmer McCurdy! Elmer McCurdy. Give yourself up. We don’t want no bloodshed.

(SHERIFF ENTERS.) SHERIFF

Elmer McCurdy. Is Amos in there with you?

ELMER (different voice) It’s just us ranchers.

SHERIFF Don’t fool with us. The rancher is standing over by the house. Am I speaking to Amos or Elmer? ELMER It’s me. SHERIFF Who the hell is me?! ELMER Elmer McCurdy. SHERIFF Come out here now, Elmer! ELMER

42

Are going to arrest me? SHERIFF Sure as you held up the MKT Railroad. ELMER Then, I’m not coming. SHERIFF You leave me no choice.

(SHERIFF motions to off-stage person. PREACHER ENTERS carrying a gun and a bible.)

…I had to bring in special re-enforcements. PREACHER Elmer, I beg you, in God’s name, climb down from that hayloft and reap what you have sowed. ELMER I didn’t reap no wheat nor hay. PREACHER Elmer! Elmer, you have succumbed to the sin of greed. Look what envy in man has brought to you. (No response.) Elmer, do you have a girl? ELMER Course I do. PREACHER And what’s her name? ELMER LuluMae. PREACHER And a child? ELMER On the way! PREACHER When you took the sacred vowels of marriage – ELMER

43

I was hoping to do that when you fellows interrupted me. PREACHER Not married?! You have a child out of wedlock! ELMER Not yet, but the baby is coming. PREACHER You sinful soul. You will certainly go to hell. And that woman, too.

ELMER Don’t bring LuluMae into this. She didn’t do anything wrong.

PREACHER There is no salvation for a woman with a child out of wedlock. ELMER So if you’re saying we’re both headed for damnation, what’s the point in coming down and talking to you boneheads.

(The PREACHER looks dumbfounded. ELMER starts to right letter.)

(MUSIC 12: DO RIGHT BY HER, REPRISE) <<Track 10>> ELMER

THE LAW'S OUT THERE AND I'M IN HERE SEEMS THEY GOT ME IN A DEAD LOCK THAT PREACHER SAYS "THERE'S NO SALVATION FOR A WOMAN WITH A CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK." IS THAT HER REWARD FOR LOVIN' ME? TO BE DAMNED FOR ALL ETERNITY? I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN SO WHATEVER ADVERSITY IT’S…TIME TO DO ALL FOR THE ONE WHO CARES FOR ME IT'S TIME TO DO RIGHT BY HER WE'LL START ANEW, AND I'LL MAKE SURE THINGS WILL BE BETTER THAN THEY EVER WERE I'LL MAKE IT ALL THE WAY THERE. I’LL TAKE CONTROL.

(SINGERS and the BUREACRAT appear and join in a chorus of “ohs” and “ahs”, plus echoing Elmer’s lines).

44

NOTHING IS GONNA DETER ME GETTIN' BACK TO HER TO SAVE HER SOUL IT'S TIME TO DO RIGHT BY HER (ELMER puts letter in his pocket.)

I'M GONNA GET PAST THE SHERIFF IN THE NIGHT I'M GONNA FIND ME A WAY THEY'RE LOOKIN' LEFT, SO I'LL CUT RIGHT TO THE RIGHT AND MAKE A CLEAN GETAWAY I'M GONNA MAKE IT BACK HOME TO HER IN TIME WE'LL HAVE A MARRYIN' DAY AND I’LL BE GIVING UP MY LIFE OF CRIME ALL FOR MY SWEET LULU MAE I'M GONNA GIVE HER THE HUSBAND THAT SHE NEEDS AND GIVE THAT BABY A DAD SOMEONE TO GUIDE HIM THROUGH LIFE, TILL HE SUCCEEDS SOMEONE THAT I NEVER HAD LULU I'M COMING, YOU'LL SEE ME SOON I SWEAR COMING HOME TO YOU, TO STAY ELMER MCCURDY'S GONNA MAKE IT THERE! BACK TO MY SWEET LULU MAE (GUN SHOT)

(ELMER falls backward as if shot into the waiting arms of SINGERS and BUREAUCRAT. There’s APPLAUSE from the SINGERS and the BUREACRAT.)

(MUSIC 13: THE BALLAD OF ELMER MCCURDY, REPRISE)

ALL NOW THAT WE'RE FINISHED YOU KNOW HOW HE DIED GOT SHOT IN A BARN AND HE FELL SO THE END OF THE STORY IS BLOODY AND GORY AND HE WINDS UP DOWN THERE IN --

BUREAUCRAT

(looks at tablet and is shocked) Wait! We have a problem….

(BLACK OUT)

45

Act 2 Scene 1

Setting: Limbo

At Rise: We are as we were at the end of Act 1. The easel reads, “Pawhuska,

October 7, 1911.”

ALL …SO THE END OF THE STORY IS BLOODY AND GORY AND HE WINDS UP DOWN THERE IN --

BUREAUCRAT Wait. We have a problem. Be right back.

(BUREAUCRAT EXITS. ELMER looks dumbfounded.)

ELMER What happened? SINGER 1 He looks worried. I better follow. (SINGER 1 EXITS.) ELMER No matter. I’ve accepted my fate. You heard the preacher. I’m headed to the “bad place” and LuluMae is destined to join me for the rest of eternity. So, I want to get there and at least make it not so horrible for her. SINGER 2 What did LuluMae do?

ELMER Met me, poor girl. (an idea) Could I see how she’s holding up?

SINGER 2 You are a spirit, so technically, you can look down to earth. But, you might not like it -- (ELMER peers down through the clouds.)

ELMER There’s Texas – it’s a big one, isn’t it? Then Oklahoma. And Kansas. Iola! Main Street. Plumbing store.

46

(With ELMER and the SINGER 2 off to the side, LULUMAE ENTERS.)

(MUSIC 14: BABY IS ON THE WAY) <<Track 11>> LULUMAE

BABY IS ON THE WAY WON’T IT BE A BLESSED SORT OF DAY WE’LL BE A FAMILY WHEN HER DADDY’S HERE WITH ME ONCE HE COMES, I’M SURE HE’S GOING TO STAY. WE’LL TEACH HER RIGHT FROM WRONG SHE’LL BE RESPECTFUL AND SHE’LL GET ALONG AND ON SUNDAYS, SHE’LL ASPIRE TO BE SINGING IN THE CHOIR HEAR HER RAISE HER VOICE IN JOYFUL SONG WALKING TO THE SCHOOLHOUSE WITH HER TIL’ THE DAY THAT SHE’S BIG ENOUGH TO GO, BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THE WAY HELPING WITH HER CIPHERING AND WITH HER ABC’S I KNOW HER FATHER’S COMING BACK HERE ANY DAY ONE FAMILY, UNIFIED BABY AND HER DADDY AND HIS BRIDE THAT’S THE WAY WE’LL ALWAYS BE ELMER, LITTLE ONE AND ME STAYING RIGHT HERE AT EACH OTHER’S SIDE (Time passes. LULUMAE is noticeably more pregnant singer)

BABY IS ON (PUFF) THE (PUFF) WAY LORDY, IT MIGHT EVEN BE TODAY. AND IT MAKES WE WONDER WHEN WE’LL SEE ELMER ONCE AGAIN. IT’S BEEN EIGHT LONG MONTHS SINCE HE’LL AWAY NO ON ONE KNOWS WHERE HE WENT DID HE EVER GET THE NOTE I SENT WHEN I SAID A ‘BABY’S A COMIN’” DID HE TURN AND START RUNNIN’ WITH AIR OF FEAR AND DISCONTENT DID HE REALLY ROB A BANK OR EVEN ROB A TRAIN? DID HE FIND A FLOOZY IN A LIFE OF CRIME? DID HE LEAVE AND RUN ALL THE WAY BACK TO BANGOR MAINE?

47

(WILLIAM ROOT appears to assist her)

I JUST WISH THAT I COULD SEE HIM ONE MORE TIME ELMER PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY HOME TO BABY AND TO LULUMAE COME AND HELP TO RAISE YOUR DAUGHTER JUST THE WAY A GOOD MAN OUGHTA ‘CAUSE ELMER, THIS BABY OHH! THERE’S NO “MAYBE” BABY IS ON THE (PUFF) (PUFF) (PUFF) UNNGH! (PUFF) (PUFF) (PUFF) UNNGH! WAY!

WILLIAM It’s a boy!

(WILLIAM helps LULUMAE off stage. THEY EXIT for a second. WILLIAM pops his head back in.)

(SINGER 1 ENTERS frantically pointing to another spot on the earth.)

SINGER 1 Look. There. // Guthrie, Oklahoma. SINGER 2 Standing straight up. SINGER 1 Not good! ELMER I need to see my child!

SINGER 1 (urgent) Do you know a Mr. Joseph Johnson of the Johnson Funeral Home? ELMER No! He can’t do that to my body. Someone’s got to have a “talking to” with that man. Now! SINGER 1 You’re pushing the limits of limbo, but..

48

SINGER 2 a spirit can float to earth…

SINGER 1 …to inhabit its body until it decomposes, but… SINGER 2 …no one can hear or see you. And you can’t change anything! Going back to earth causes more pain than good. How did it make you feel seeing LuluMae so disappointed? ELMER I don’t care. This ain’t right. (The scene segues with only ELMER to...)

49

Scene 2 Setting: Johnson Funeral Parlor, Guthrie, Oklahoma.

At Rise: The room is furnished with a few chairs and plain wooden casket – or

something evocative of a casket -- that is standing up so the audience can see inside. ELMER comes into the scene and take his place in the casket. The easel reads, Guthrie, Oklahoma, 1911.

(There’s an insistent rap at the door. JOSEPH JOHNSON, the proprietor walks in slowly.)

JOHNSON Hold your horses.

(JOHNSON opens the opens and we see a AVER.) Someone die? AVER Not that I know of. JOHNSON Then why are you here? AVER I came to claim // The Bandit That Wouldn’t Give Up. JOHNSON & AVER The Bandit That Wouldn’t Give Up. ELMER They’re talking about me! I’m famous.

JOHNSON Unless you’re a relation, // you can only see Elmer’s if you pay me a nickel. Where’s your proof? ELMER He’s no kin to me!

AVER Well…I… JOHNSON Get out of here you damn fool.

50

ELMER (congratulating Johnson) That’s right. That’s right!

(Disgruntled, AVER EXITS. JOHNSON closes door. He turns from grumpy man to successful merchant.)

(MUSIC 15: THE BANDIT WHO WOULDN’T GIVE UP) <<Track 12>> JOHNSON

BODIES MAY COME AND BODIES MAY GO AND MOST OF THEM LEAVE ME IN TIME, IN TIME THERE'S SOME SAY IT'S DUMB BUT HOW COULD THEY KNOW? THIS BODY'S A BUDDY OF MINE. ELMER

Never had a good friend… WHEN IT'S LONESOME ON THE PLAINS THE ONE REMAINING IS HIS REMAINS MORE THAN A PET, ELMER

A pet! JOHNSON

A KITTY OR PUP THE BANDIT WHO WOULDN'T GIVE UP.

(JOHNSON flips the easel to 1916.) ELMER

What happened. Five years just went by! What the heck is going on?! JOHNSON SERENE, AND HE'S CALM WITH ARSENIC EMBALM

ELMER Arsenic!

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE THERE'S A WHIFF, A WHIFF. HE AIN'T KEEPING WELL HE'S STARTIN' TO SMELL BUT STILL HE'S MY FAVORITE STIFF.

51

ELMER

You’d smell, too, if you were dead five whole years. JOHNSON WHEN THE OTHERS ALL HAVE GONE, I'LL CARRY ON WITH MY CARRION. YOU NEVER GAVE UP, YOU SAW IT ON THROUGH AND I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU. ELMER (referencing Johnson)

Think something is queer with this fella. (AVER returns in “disguise.”)

AVER I’m here to claim the body of Elmer McCurdy. ELMER I swear that’s the same fella as before!

JOHNSON Hmmm….you look familiar. This body’s not going anywhere until // the Osage…

(AVER produces a series of papers.)

AVER …the Osage County sheriff says so! Have the papers right here. Now let me take my poor, unfortunate cousin – and give him a proper burial in Frisco with his family. ELMER You ain’t my cousin. Somebody stop this tomfoolery. If I’m in Frisco, my real people will never claim me.

(AVER drops a piece of paper. ELMER looks down and reads it.)

ELMER The Patterson Carnival. No! (ELMER tries to make JOHNSON stop AVER to no avail.) Old buddy. You can’t let them do this.

(AVER takes the casket and wheels it “out of the funeral home” and comes to the front of the stage. ELMER comes “out of the casket” and stands nearby anxiously listening.)

52

AVER BUSINESS IS SLOW AT EVERY SHOW BUT WE'LL SEE OUR PROFITS INCREASED, INCREASED LIKE FISHES AND LOAVES THEY'LL TURN OUT IN DROVES BECAUSE OF THIS LOVELY DECEASED. FOLKS WILL PAY WHATE'ER THEY CAN TO VIEW THIS MUMMIFIED DESPERATE MAN ELMER

Mummified! AVER

WE'LL PACK 'EM IN IN EACH CITY OR TOWN THE OUTLAW WHO WOULD NOT BACK DOWN AVER & JOHNSON THE BANDIT WHO WOULDN'T GIVE UP.

(AVER EXITS with the coffin. ELMER, deeply disturbed, follows AVER off stage as we segue to…)

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Scene 3 Setting: Limbo At Rise: SINGER 1 flips the easel to read, “Limbo” as SINGER 2 brings the casket

on stage. ELMER storms in and is so apoplectic that he can’t speak. SINGER 1 A headliner for The Great Patterson Shows. SINGER 2 So jealous. ELMER (nearly crying) This is wrong! Wrong, I say! I’ve should have been sent on my way to the “bad place” five years ago.

SINGER 1 Yeah, you know, we’re stuck here like you, too.

ELMER Stuck? What do you mean stuck?

BUREAUCRAT No one is permitted to pass on until his or her body has been “properly buried” in a grave or is decomposing. ELMER So?

SINGER 1 Like being left to rot on the field of war or being eaten by fish in the East River. I made a poor decision to try to hot foot it over the Himalyas before a snowstorm and now… (SINGER 1 demonstrates being frozen in place) …my body is frozen and won’t decompose and no one will ever find me to bury me.

SINGER 2 (demonstrating) It’s been one thousand, eight hundred and nineteen years since the volcano erupted in Pompeii – and I am covered in black ash.… ELMER But my body can decompose. It’s exposed to the elements.

SINGER 1 Your friend, Johnson, he injected it with arsenic, a preservative which stops all decomposition.

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ELMER These scoundrels have been taken advantage of me for their own profit. Isn’t there’s something I can do? Send a message to LuluMae? Like a “vision” or something. SINGER 1 You are really pushing the rules now! You’ll have to ask “you know who”. ELMER I’m not leaving my body, no matter what. (pleading) You know the procedures better than me. Besides my record with authority figures is none too good. Can’t you ask him for me? SINGER 1 Not me. ELMER (to SINGER 2) Would you want to be a freak show for all eternity? SINGER 2 He’s very, very busy. But, I can try… ELMER Thank you. Thank you. God speed! (realizing what he said) I didn’t mean that. SINGER 1 I told you – back on earth, most spirits are miserable.

(SINGER 2 exits. ELMER sits down.) SINGER 1 Even if you could visit LuluMae, what is she going to do?

ELMER I know. I know. With my luck, she’s probably forgotten me and remarried. SINGER 1 Would you blame her? (MUSIC 16: RUNNING OUT OF TIME BLUES) <<Track 13>>

ELMER BACK WHEN I WAS LIVING IT WAS KIND OF HARD TO SEE WHY A GIRL LIKE LULU MAE

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WOULD EVER LOVE THE LIKES OF ME BUT – LIFE GOES ON AT LEAST IT DOES FOR HER AND IT’S GIVING ME ROOM TO DOUBT ‘CAUSE I AM STUCK RIGHT HERE AND MY TIME JUST MIGHT BE RUNNING OUT

(SINGER 1 flips the easel from 1917 to 1918 to 1919 which causes Elmer to be more dejected.)

UNTIL I GET MY BURIAL, MY JOURNEY IS INCOMPLETE. AND THERE’S MANY, MANY MEN WHO WOULD FALL FOR A GIRL SO SWEET IF SHE MARRIES ONE SHE’LL FORGET ABOUT ME THERE WON’T BE ROOM FOR DOUBT THAT I WILL BE STUCK RIGHT HERE AND MY TIME WILL JUST BE RUNNING OUT WITH THOSE SWEET, MELTED EYES AND THAT SWEETER, MELLIFLUOUS LAUGHTER I CAN PICTURE HER MARRYING SOME LUCKY FELLOW NAMED THEN FRED AND LULU AND MY SON WILL ALL HAPPILY EVER AFTER WHY WOULD SHE EVER THINK ABOUT SOMEONE WHO’S DEAD?

(SINGER 1 flips the easel from 1920 to 1921 to 1922.) COME ON LULU IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO COME AROUND GET YOURSELF TO THE CARNY AND PUT YOUR ELMER INTO THE GROUND IF YOU DON’T, I WON’T MOVE FOREVER AND EVER AND THERE IS NOT A SHRED OF DOUBT THAT HEY, PRETTY LULU I WILL BE RIGHT HERE CENTURY AFTER CENTURY AND YEAR AFTER YEAR I WILL BE STUCK RIGHT HERE TILL TIME ITSELF HAS DONE RUN OUT

(SINGER 2 ENTERS.) ELMER

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Finally! What took you? SINGER 2 How ungrateful! Do you know how long it took me to get on his schedule? ELMER Sorry. What he say? SINGER 2 He said… BUREAUCRAT (v.o.) Elmer McCurdy may visit LuluMae on the anniversary of his arrival in limbo. He may only whisper to her while she sleeps. When she awakes, the whispering will conclude. No touching allowed. This is only permitted once -- no matter the outcome. ELMER LuluMae, darling, I’ll be there in a jiffy…. (ELMER EXITS as we segue to…)

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Scene 4 Setting: LuluMae’s Bedroom, Iola. There are two twin beds.

At Rise: Singer 1 flips the easel to “Iola, Kansas.” LULUMAE is tucking their son,

BILLY E. ROOT, 10 years old, into bed. The easel now reads, Iola, Kansas, 1922.

(ELMER sneaks into a corner of the room. LULUMAE goes over to BILLY and is about to kiss him, when she reaches under the blanket and finds Elmer’s wrench. SHE takes it from BILLY, kisses him and goes to her bed. SHE is about to turn off the light when BILLY sits up.)

BILLY Mama. Tell me again what the “e” stands for. LULUMAE Why, Billy E. Root, you know it stands for Elmer, like your father. Only, don’t mention that around your granddad. He spends all his time standing up to all the “respectable citizens of Iola” because your father isn’t around. But you’re a good boy and he loves you and I love you and we’re both proud of you. BILLY Mama, is my father in heaven? LULUMAE I hope. He had some…difficulties. But he tried hard. He was imperfect like you, like me, like everyone.

BILLY Mama. If I get that scholarship, can I tell them at school what the “e” stands for?

LULUMAE It stands for “excellence.”

BILLY Mama // is….

LULUMAE Billy, shut your eyes. We have a big day tomorrow – a train ride to Topeka so you can take that exam, get a scholarship to that private school and be somebody. Sleep tight, son. (Music Cue: NIGHTMARE SONG)

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(LULUMAE and BILLY fall asleep. ELMER goes over to BILLY.) ELMER

That is a fine boy.

(ELMER goes over to LULUMAE’s bed.) ELMER

I wouldn’t blame you for one second if you found another man that was willing to complete your family. But you’ve been faithful to me and I love you for that.

(ELMER is about to touch her hand when there is a whirl of sound and light and ELMER jumps back. We are suddenly in LuluMae’s dream. LULUMAE rises and sits up. SHE moves like she is sitting on a train. SHE is humming and unaware of ELMER.)

(MUSIC 17: THE NIGHTMARE SONG) <<Track 14>> ELMER (whispering to her) Go to Lyndon. LULUMAE THE LOVELY LINDEN TREES HOW SWEET DO THEY SMELL IN THE SUMMER FULL OF A PROMISE OF BEAUTY AND LAUGHTER AND LIFE TO COME. ELMER (speaking slowly) Lyn-don. Kan-sas. LULUMAE THAT BOY CAN SASS HIS MA HIS HEAD IS AS HARD AS HIS FATHER’S SOMETIMES I TELL HIM AND TELL HIM AGAIN BUT HE’LL JUST DO WHAT HE WANTS ELMER I’m a mummy. LULUMAE A MUMMY, ALL ALONE WITHOUT ANY HUSBAND TO AID ME A FATHER KNOWS HOW TO BE FIRM WITH A BOY WHERE A MAN CAN BUT PERSUADE

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ELMER The Patterson Show… LULUMAE A PATTER SONG SHOW! A PATTER SONG SHOW! COMPLETE WITH A STRING QUARTET THEY FILL ME WITH SUCH ELATION A PATTER SONG SHOW! A PATTER SONG SHOW! MIGHT HELP ME TO FORGET THAT MY MIND IS VERY OPEN TO MY AWFUL SITUATION ELMER It’s a carnival. LULUMAE A CARNIVAL! THAT’S WHERE MY TROUBLES BEGAN WHEN ELMER GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH THAT MAN I LEARNED HE WAS ELMER INSTEAD OF MY FRANK IT LED TO HIM ROBBING A BANK ELMER Bury my remains. LULUMAE ALL THAT REMAINS IS MY GRIEF I WISH I COULD PUT IT BEHIND ME. IF I CAN SIGN ANY PAPER TO END IT. THAT WOULD BE FINE. ELMER (desperate) Lulu Mae Root! LULUMAE WHO MAY ROOT? WHAT MAY ROOT? WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT MY LIFE WOULD BE SPENT ALL ALONE BUT OBSESSED WITH A MAN THAT NOBODY WOULD EVER SUGGEST WAS A SYMBOL OF A MAN AT THIS BEST BILLY Mama! You sound distressed.

(LULUMAE wakes up. She realizes what she has learned.)

LULUMAE

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NO, BILLY. WE NEED TO STOP IN LYNDON, KANSAS. TO THE PATTERSON CARNIVAL SHOWS AND LAY YOUR FATHER TO REST.

(We segue with LULUMAE to…)

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Scene 5 Setting: Patterson Carnival Shows, the next day. At Rise: SINGER 1 flips the easel to read, “Carnival” as SINGER 2 brings the

casket on stage. ELMER storms in and is so apoplectic that he can’t speak.We are at the end of conversation between JAMES PATTERSON (who disguised himself as Aver) and LULUMAE. ELMER is standing next to LuluMae.)

PATTERSON (not convinced) Twenty dollars and fifty cents...

(Unseen by PATTERSON and LULUMAE, LOUIS SONNEY enters and overhears the conversation. ELMER becomes aware of him.)

LULUMAE That’s all I can afford because I’m saving up to send Billy to a private school where he can go and learn to be somebody. (pulls out a wrench) I do have some fine plumbing tools that I could give you as trade.

PATTERSON I’ve always liked a good crescent wrench.

(SHE hands him the wrench and money. LULUMAE sits down visibly relieved.) ELMER

My finest wrench. Had to be. LULUMAE

I’ll be able to rest easy. PATTERSON (reminiscing) Elmer, here, was a popular attraction for a while. Would’ve been nice if we could have put him next to the body of Jesse James or Bill Doolin or Billy the Kid – like a museum. (We see the light bulb go off in SONNEY’s head.) ELMER (to LuluMae) You see this fella in the shadows, sneaking around? Be careful of him. LULUMAE I think you’re mistaken. Elmer was acquitted of charges in St. Joe.

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ELMER That’s right. The other thing was a mix-up. I never actually got away with anything! (SONNEY ENTERS.) SONNEY Sorry, you didn’t know…but Elmer, he’s notoriety is wide-spread. He’s… SONNEY & PATTERSON “The Bandit That Wouldn’t Give Up.” LULUMAE (to Sonney) Who are you? PATTERSON This is the famous lawman, Louis Sonney, who captured the “Smiling Bandit” Roy Gardner single-handedly. SONNEY Retired my badge, thought. I’ve taken up a more dastardly line of work – show business! And Elmer, he will be a star attraction of my Museum of Crime!

LULUMAE Elmer, a criminal? SONNEY (embellishing) In a daring daylight robbery, he stole the money from a MK&T train…

LULUMAE He did?

SONNEY …using sophisticated dynamite techniques learned in the army, he blew a safe clear through the wall of a bank and…

LULUMAE He promised he wouldn’t.

SONNEY …he ran from the law and in blazing gun battle died at the hands of an entire sheriff’s posse.

LULUMAE He…he lied.

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ELMER It was a little more than a white lie.

LULUMAE I’ve been duped. Take him. I told him I wasn’t one of those silly girls who puts up with nonsense from a man. I’m out of the “Elmer McCurdy business”. Out of it. Do with him – it -- as you please. (LULUMAE EXITS.) PATTERSON Museum of Crime? SONNEY Wait until you see it. (Segue to…)

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Scene 6 Setting: Hollywood

At Rise: The easel reads, “Louis Sonney’s Museum of Crime, Hollywood, 1922”

SONNEY is sitting at a desk talking to a REPORTER. ELMER is intently listening.)

REPORTER

Sonney, this is quite the place you have here. (MUSIC 18: CRIME DOES PAY) <<Track 15>>

SONNEY THERE'S JESSE JAMES, THERE'S WILD BILL DOOLIN AND THERE'S BILL THE KID MY MUSEUM COMMEMORATES THE AWFUL THINGS THEY DID. COME AND LEARN THE LESSON OF ILLEGAL, DESPERATE ACTS COME AND SEE THE LIFE-SIZED FIGURES OF THEM ALL IN WAX ELMER

I’m for real! SONNEY

LEARN THE PRICE THAT EACH ONE PAID FOR HIS LIFE OF CRIME BUT THE PRICE THAT YOU EACH PAY IS NO MORE THAN A DIME! CRIME DIDN'T PAY FOR THEM YOU SEE. CRIME ONLY PAYS - FOR ME! AFTER SEEING ALL THESE DESPERADOES IN THE HALL YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO SEE THE MOST AUDACIOUS ONE OF ALL HE'S HEARTLESS, MEAN AND NASTY HE'S DANGEROUS AND DIRTY COME SEE THE ACTUAL BODY OF THAT BAD ELMER MCCURDY! ELMER

That’s McCurdy with “Cs”. What am I saying? SONNEY

THE BULLETS IN HIS CARCASS ARE AN OUTLAW'S RECOMPENSE AND YOU CAN SEE IT FOR A MERE ADDITIONAL FIVE CENTS CRIME DIDN'T PAY FOR HIM. NOSIREE!

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CRIME ONLY PAYS - FOR ME! ELMER

You should be fair and give part of these proceeds to LuluMae. SONNEY Wait to you see his next adventure -- the Trans-American Footrace! Only gets to ride along. ELMER A dead man shouldn’t be put to work!

(SONNEY puts a “ticket” – which will later be discovered by the LA coroner -- in Elmer’s mouth. The REPORTER EXITS waving a copy of a newspaper with his story in it.)

(SONNEY goes to the easel and flips the page so it reads “Transcontinental Footrace 1928”. He puts on glasses to effect a slightly older visage. He picks up the phone and then puts it down. CHARLIE PYLE, in running gear, enters and puts a runner’s “bib” on Elmer’s casket and pushed him around the stage.)

SONNEY WHO ELSE COULD THINK UP SUCH A SCHEME BUT MY OLD PAL CHARLIE PYLE A RACE ACROSS AMERICA, AND MEN WILL RUN EACH MILE AND EACH NIGHT A NEW TALLY AS THEY STOP IN SOME NEW TOWN HE WANTS TO HOLD A CARNIVAL WHEN THE SUN IS GOING DOWN TO HELP PULL IN THE RUBES TO THIS PREPOSTEROUS DISTRACTION HE WANTS TO RENT OL' ELMER AS HIS CARNY'S MAIN ATTRACTION CRIME DOESN'T PAY, BUT I GUARANTEE. CRIME ONLY PAYS - FOR ME!

(BILLY, now an adult, ENTERS.) BILLY Louis Sonney. Mr. Louis Sonney, right?

SONNEY That will be 25 cents young man. BILLY I’m here to see Elmer McCurdy.

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SONNEY That will be 25 cents! BILLY E ROOT Let me introduce myself, although we met years ago. I’m Billy E. Root, Elmer’s son.

SONNEY (suspicious) Then why aren’t your Billy McCurdy? BILLY My mother wouldn’t approve of me being here. She never even mentions his name. Said that if ever did any sleuthing, I would never inherit any part of Root Plumbing, Root Hardware or our eatery at the train depot – Root Toot Cafe! She is an accomplished businesswoman and doesn’t her name besmirched with any old troubles.

SONNEY Then, why are you here? BILLY Always wanted to know more about my dad. I searched every newspaper in the Iola library until I saw this. (She holds up the newspaper story.). Can I see him? SONNEY You can look around, but he’s not here. Elmer’s off on a business trip.

(BILLY EXITS. ELMER returns exhausted and takes off his runner’s bib.) ELMER

Now what? SONNEY We’re in Hollywood, so, naturally….

(SONNEY goes to the easel and flips the page so it reads “Narcotic” 1933. ENTER FILM DIRECTOR who drags ELMER with him and puts a cigarette into his mouth.)

SONNEY

CARNIVALS HAVE HAD THEIR DAY BUT I'M A MAN OF VISION NOW I'M IN THE MOVIE BIZ WITH SENSATIONALISM THEATRES 'STEAD OF MIDWAYS SHORTS INSTEAD OF BALLYHOO

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BUT ELMER, THROUGH IT ALL, IS STILL AN ASSET OF SOME VALLEY-YOO WE'VE HUNG HIM IN THE LOBBY WHERE THEY SHOW OUR FILM, "NARCOTIC."

(SONNEY, still at the easel, puts on a wig to affect an old man. He flips the page so it reads “She-Freak”, 1966. ELM

AND THEY GASP AT HIM IN "SHE FREAK." THE WHOLE FLICK IS RIGHT EXOTIC. CRIME DOESN'T PAY EXCEPT ON SOME MARQUEE CRIME ONLY PAYS - FOR ME!

ELMER Didn’t even get a line! (Older BILLY ENTERS.) BILLY Mr. Sonney, it’s Billy E. Root.

SONNEY Who?

BILLY You know who I am! I’ve written you dozen of times, but you never reply. Where is my father? SONNEY He’s dead. BILLY You’re keeping him alive! SONNEY Right now, he’s off shooting a movie… BILLY I should tell the authorities about you! (SONNEY produces letter.) SONNEY Tell you what kid. A while back, after Elmer returned from San Francisco, I found this letter in his pocket, addressed to a Miss Root. I’ll give you that. But that’s all.

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(BILLY takes letter and EXITS.) SONNEY

FIFTY YEARS A SHOWMAN AND I'VE FINALLY LOST MY FIRE IT'S TIME FOR ME TO HANG IT UP IT'S TIME THAT I RETIRE MY WIFE SAID IF I KEPT ON WORKING IT WOULD OVERWHELM 'ER I'VE SOLD OFF ALL MY ITEMS EVEN FOUND A PLACE FOR ELMER HE'S HEADING OUT TO LONG BEACH, THE NU-PIKE AMUSEMENT PARK HE'S GONNA DRESS SOME RIDE UP THAT THEY CALL "LAFF IN THE DARK." CRIME NEVER PAYS, BUT I MUST AGREE CRIME REALLY PAID - FOR ME!

(SONNEY turns the page of the easel to read, “Closed.” A MAN with a Nu-Pike Amusement Park T-shirt enters and prepares to pack up ELMER for transport. ELMER has no choice but to go along.) (ELMER now is desperate.) (BLACK OUT)

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Scene 7 Setting: Plumbing Store, Iola

At Rise: A very old LULUMAE is behind the counter of a thriving store. SHE is

reading Elmer’s Letter. BILLY is standing watching her intently.

(MUSIC 19: THE LETTER, REPRISE)

LULUMAE LULU, YOU’RE CLEARLY, THE BEST GIRL A MAN EVER HAD I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT I’VE MESSED THINGS UP SO SO BAD LULU, IT’S ALL TRUE, EVERY BAD THING THAT YOU’VE HEARD BUT NOW, THAT’S OVER, DARLING I GIVE MY WORD THOUGH YOU DESERVE A MAN MUCH BETTER THAN ME I’LL CHANGE AND BE THE MAN, YOU THOUGHT I COULD BE LULU, I’M COMING. THIS IS MY PROMISE TO YOU, DEAR. IT WILL NOT BE SAID THAT YOU WERE UNWED WHEN OUR BABY IS FINALLY HERE.

(At the end of the song, LULUMAE takes the letter and carefully folds. SHE hands it back to BILLY and then goes about her work. BILLY.)

BILLY Mama. What have you got to say.

LULUMAE The man promised he would be a good man. He lied.

BILLY But he was coming home to you. It wasn’t his fault. LULUMAE Anybody can write a letter. It’s not a man’s words that matter. It’s his actions. (BLACK OUT)

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Scene 8 Setting: Nu-Pike Fun House, Laff in the Dark Ride At Rise: ELMER is stuck to the wall.

ELMER (yelling)

Hey, Mr. Limbo guy! Hey! This Laff in the Dark amusement ride is beyond horrible. And believe me, my body has been dragged around this country more than any body ever in the history of the world. Please, please. You got to let me visit LuluMae again. (There is a big pause as Elmer waits for a response. Nothing) ELMER Damn it all! You heard that right. I said, “damn it” and I mean it! You have to see this situation for yourself. (The BUREAUCRAT appears.) BUREAUCRAT Quiet down, McCurdy! I’m getting complaints. ELMER (not quieter) Sir, if you have any heart, give me one more chance. LuluMae ain’t going to last much longer. BUREAUCRAT You can only whisper in a living person’s dream, one time! I’ve got to get back to work. (fiddles with tablet device). This darn thing. ELMER (thinking hard) What if…what if I take your place moving the production line along? You always say you need a break. BUREAUCRAT (laughing) You? I’d understand if it was maybe Henry Ford, but…you? (ELMER grabs the tablet.) ELMER Let me see that. (Elmer points at tablet.) How long has the tiny wheel been spinning?

BUREAUCRAT Einstein toyed with it and that was in 19…

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(ELMER presses buttons on the tablet and hands it back. The BUREAUCRAT is incredulous.)

BUREAUCRAT What? Wow!

ELMER I was always good at fixing things. I can do it. I’ll take your place for a year.

BUREAUCRAT One year?

ELMER Well…how about a hundred? That’d be a well-deserved vacation. And no matter what happens to my body, I will remain in Limbo and process the newly dead until you return. (BUREAUCRAT contemplates.)

BUREAUCRAT Deal!

ELMER (relieved) Thank you. Segue…

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Scene 9 Setting: Plumbing Store, Iola

At Rise: LULUMAE is sitting in an office chair. SHE nods asleep.)

(ELMER ENTERS. HE takes a second to make sure the coast is clear and then walks over to LULUMAE and touches her. Like in the previous scene, there is a change in the light and music as LULUMAE ENTERS her dream world. ELMER makes a noise. LULUMAE turns to him, astonished.)

ELMER Now don’t be ascared LuluMae. It’s me, Elmer. (His voice makes her agitated in her dream.)

ELMER

LuluMae, I got the worse of all worlds -- stuck here in limbo, destined for the other place and my old body painted in day-glo neon inside the black dark of a carnival sideshow, in a place called Long Beach. In California. Wish I could see the ocean. I can hear it…but the waves are drowned out by the screams of children as they look into my face.

(LULUMAE turns away. SHE remains impassive during the song.)

(MUSIC 20: LAST LAFF IN THE DARK) <<Track 16>> LOOK AT ME, I'VE SUNK SO LOW HOW MUCH FURTHER COULD I GO STUCK IN SOME AMUSEMENT PARK JUST A LAST LAFF IN THE DARK LAST LAFF IN THE DARK LAST LAFF IN THE DARK DON'T LET ME BE A LAST LAFF IN THE DARK

YOU NEVER HAD NO WEDDING RING BUT PLEASE, I BEG YOU ONE LAST THING LULU, SWEETY, HONEY, DEAR CAN YOU GET ME OUTTA HERE! LAST LAFF IN THE DARK LAST LAFF IN THE DARK DON'T LET ME BE A LAST LAFF IN THE DARK

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(LULUMAE coughs and we see how frails she is. ELMER is visibly shaken and, for the first time, understands that he is asking too much of her and always has.)

SHE’S SHAKING AND SHE’S COUGHING I CAN ASK HER TO GET OFF AND TRAVEL ALL THE WAY SHE’S THE BETTER PERSON AND I’VE ALWAYS BEEN THE WORS-EN SINCE OUR MEETING DAY. I’VE BEEN SO DECENTFUL I SHOULD LEAVE HER TO BE PEACEFUL IT’S THE ONE DECENT THING I COULD DO ALL I SHOULD GET IS TO PAY UP MY DEBT IT’S MANY YEARS OVER DUE. I’LL STAY HER TO BURN AND ROT I HAVE EARNED EACH THING I GOT MY SOUL IS ONE BIG BLACK MARK I’M JUST A LAST LAUGH IN THE DARK

LAST LAFF IN THE DARK LAST LAFF IN THE DARK THE LAST LAFF'S ON ME, AND IT'S THE LAST LAFF IN THE DARK IN THE DARK

(LULAMAE wakes up from her sleep.) BOTH

IN THE DARK IN THE DARK (ELMER EXITS.) LULUMAE IN THE DARK

(MUSIC 21: FORGIVENESS) <<Track 17>>

LULUMAE

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IN THE DARK-NESS SHINES A LIGHT A HOPEFUL LIGHT TO MAKE THE WRONGNESS RIGHT WHEN THE DARKNESS CLOSES ‘ROUND THERE SURELY IS A LIGHT THAT MIGHT BE FOUND IN THE SUFFERING THERE’S A WAY A WAY TO SAVE THE SOUL FROM DISARRAY WHAT THE SUFFERING RIPS AND TEARS THE LIGHT THAT’S SHINING QUIETLY REPAIRS TO CARRY DISAPPOINTMENT TO CARRY ALL THIS RAGE A LOAD I CHOSE TO TOTE SO MANY YEARS TO SIMPLY PUT THE BURDEN DOWN AND CALMLY TURN THE PAGE TO LEAVE IT FAR BEHIND WITH ALL MY TEARS IN THE WINTER OF MY HEART IMMERSED IN CERTAINTY I'VE COME APART WHAT I NEED TO MAKE ME WHOLE FORGIVENESS IS THE GIFT I GIVE MY SOUL. TO BEAR HEAVY RESENTMENT TO HAUL IT EVERYPLACE SUCH A WASTE OF ENERGY AND POWER LET ME FREE MY BACK AND HEART AND ARMS AND SOUL AND FACE NOT ONE MORE MINUTE, NOT FOR ONE MORE HOUR THOSE WHO HURT ME THEY ARE GONE I'VE WORKED TO STIR THE HURT SO IT LIVED ON IF I'M EVER TO BE FREE FORGIVENESS IS THE GIFT I GIVE TO ME FORGIVENESS IS THE GIFT I GIVE TO ME

(LULUMAE is weeping. BILLY ENTERS.)

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BILLY Mama. Are you alright. LULUMAE I’ve been carrying a burden that’s been lifted. I never realized, that underneath, was something more important. BILLY Sit down. Rest. LULUMAE Your father wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. But he never strayed from loving me. That stays forever. BILLY Let me get you some water.

(LULUMAE coughs and then remembers what she heard from Elmer. As she struggles for breath, she tries to piece it all together.)

LULUMAE

There’s…there’s a carnival… in…Long Beach. Find the…laugh in the dark.

BILLY Mama, mama. (BILLY takes her off-stage.) (Segue too)

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Scene 10 Setting: Nu-Pike Amusement Park, Laff in the Dark

At Rise: A TEAMSTER is dressing the set for “The Six Million Dollar Man” at at

The Pike amusement zone in Long Beach. The easel reads, “The Pike, Long Beach, CA, 1976. Throughout, the TEAMSTER pulls down mannequins and scenery. ELMER is inhabiting his body, resigned and almost numb.

(BILLY, now 64, arrives, looking around.) TEAMSTER Hey, you. Get out. Lee Majors isn’t on set until later. ELMER (weakly) Billy… BILLY Lee Majors? TEAMSTER Don’t fool with me. Steve Austin. Lee Majors. The Six Million Dollar Man. Don’t you have a TV?

BILLY The Six Million Dollar Man. Wow…I didn’t mean to...it’s just that I’m looking for…I don’t know what in the Laff in the Dark funhouse and this is the only one still left in California.

TEAMSTER That’s a good line buddy, but you still don’t get an autograph. (turning away) I get to dress up the scene for the next episode. We shoot tonight.

BILLY

But it’s for my mother. TEAMSTER She can’t have an autograph either. BILLY No, no. It was her last request. (resigned) Have you seen anything with the name, Elmer McCurdy.

ELMER Ohhhhhh….

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TEAMSTER Some joke on you, huh? Your dying ma asks you to come to the Laff in the Dark haunted house. There’s nothing here put a bunch of paper mache freak shows. (HE pulls on Elmer’s arm.) Tell, you what? I got to move this shriveled up body. Take a piece of him back as a souvenir to show you mom you tried.

(The TEAMSTER yanks the arm and its comes off. The TEAMSTER looks at it. He’s in shock.) ELMER (waking up)

Hey! TEAMSTER This ain’t paper mache! Looks like veins and muscles and… (The TEAMSTER grabs his walkie-talkie.) ELMER Real to me. TEAMSTER Production, we got a problem. A live one. No, a dead one. Better call the LA Coroner and get him to take this thing away. Segue to…

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Scene 11 Setting: LA Coroner Office.

At Rise: The CORONER and BILLY are looking at Elmer’s body. The easel

reads, “LA Coroner’s Office, 1976.” ELMER is laying on the table.

CORONER And who are you again and why are bothering me. BILLY Billy McCurdy. And think, that could be my --- CORONER What’s this?

(ELMER spits out a ticket. The same ticket SONNEY puts in his mouth.)

A ticket. BILLY What’s it say

CORONER (reading ticket) Louis Sonney’s Museum of Crime.

BILLY Louis Sonney. That is my father. It is. You got to believe me. CORONER Not so fast buddy. We don’t do anything around here until…we call a press conference.

(FLASH bulbs and TV cameras light up the stage and continue as we segue to…)

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Scene 12 Setting: Boot Hill, Summit View Cemetery, Guthrie, Oklahoma

At Rise: There’s much a flutter in Guthrie, Oklahoma. The national TV cameras

are there. The MAYOR is anxious waiting in front of a podium. BILLY E is standing next to him, beaming.

(Elmer’s casket is wheeled in. There is wild applause. Throughout the scene, we see the casket moved into place and then Elmer’s body is finally buried. Throughout, ELMER stands to the side, watching the ceremony with joy. At the grave, as the casket is lowered, he sheds a tear.) MAYOR

What a great honor and pleasure it is, for us, to welcome back to our town, a man who has traveled this great country of ours from the rocky shores of Maine to the bright lights of Hollwyood, and whose son, has graciously allowed us – provided we pay for transporting the body from Los Angeles and the burial fees –to inter his father in the Boot section of our Summit View Cemetry.

(MUSIC 22: A STATE THEY CALL OKAY) <<Track 18>> MAYOR

HERE IN GUTHRIE OKLAHOMA WE WILL WELCOME ANYONE THOUGH THEY MAY COME FROM MANY MILES A-WAY

CROWD

HOW WE LOVE THAT TOURIST MONEY

MAYOR SO LET'S HAVE A FANCY FUN'RAL FOR OUR BRAND NEW FAVORITE SON IN A STATE THAT THEY CALL OK

CROWD SO LOAD THE COFFIN SLOW AND STEADY TIME TO BURY OLD MCREADY* RIGHT HERE IN THE STATE THEY CALL OK ELMER IT’S MCCURDY, NOT MCCREADY CROWD

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COME SAY A PRAYER, WE ALL ADORE HIM POUR TWO FEET OF CONCRETE O'ER HIM JUST TO MAKE SURE HE WILL STAY BILLY RAISE A TOAST NOW TO MY FATHER AS HE STARTS TO DECOMPOSE WITH A GLASS OF OKLAHOMA BEAUJOLAIS

CROWD

WE GROW GRAPES IT’S NICE AND SUNNY

BILLY HE’S COME BACK ALL THE WAY BACK HERE JUST FOR TO LIE IN HIS REPOSE IT’S A STATE THAT THEY CALL OK

CROWD OUR HOTEL OWNERS SURE ARE NEEDY SO WE BURY OLD MCREEDY RIGHT HERE IN THE STATE THEY CALL OK ELMER IT’S MCCURDY, NOT MCCURDY. CROWD THERE'S NO MORE SIDESHOW OR MUSE-UM PEOPLE WILL COME HERE TO SEE 'IM ON SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY SO CHECK THE WINCH, BE SURE IT'S STURDY AS WE LOWER OLD MCCURDY RIGHT HERE IN THE STATE THEY CALL OK IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE HE DIED BUT ONCE ALL THAT CEMENT HAS DRIED WE'RE SURE THAT HE WON'T GO AWAY AT LAST HE CAN FINALLY DECAY!

(WE follow ELMER as the scene segues to…)

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Scene 13 Setting: Limbo

At Rise: The celebratory music of the previous scene continues. SINGER 1 and

the BUREAUCRAT are there. The easel reads, “Limbo.”

(SINGER 1 hugs ELMER as he returns. ELMER walks to the BUREAUCRAT, who hands him the tablet so Elmer can get to work as part of their deal. The BUREAUCRAT puts on sunglasses for his vacation.)

ELMER Deal is a deal. Guess I’m starting now on the “processing”.

BUREACRAT Look at this first.

(ELMER stares in shock.) ELMER

This is my name. I thought I was going -- BUREAUCRAT I know. ELMER But how did this… BUREAUCRAT Thick headed, aren’t you? ELMER But my sins aren’t… BUREAUCRAT You cared for someone more than yourself. ELMER And LuluMae? (pointing down) Ain’t we both going… BUREAUCRAT You had it all wrong, especially after she forgave the likes of you. (pointing up) You are both going….

(LULUMAE ENTERS)

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ELMER LuluMae. LuluMae Elmer.

(LULUMAE and ELMER kiss. The BUREAUCRAT and SINGER 1 watch happily.)

ELMER Just one thing, LuluMae, I made a deal with the Dev--, I mean this guy. I got to hang around here for another 100 years. (press button on the tablet). But, now that I’m the head of processing, I moved you to front of the line. You go ahead. You deserve it. LULUMAE Oh Elmer. I’m never going to leave your side again. Finally, one perfect day that will last for eternity.

(MUSIC 23: IMPERFECT, FINAL REPRISE)

ELMER & LULU OH NO, I'M NOT PERFECT, BUT I GUARANTEE WHEN YOU WERE NOT WITH ME THERE WAS NO JOY TO SEE AND I'LL BE RIGHT HERE FOR YOU

ELMER

IMPLORE YOU

LULU ADORE YOU

ELMER & LULU

YOU'RE PERFECT ENOUGH FOR ME.

(At the end of song, SINGER 1 turns to the BUREAUCRAT, preparing to launch into a song.)

SINGER 1 I think we finally got the whole story! So…. BUREAUCRAT (sighing) Alright….

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(MUSIC 24: THE BALLAD OF ELMER MCCURDY FINALE) SINGER 1

THAT WAS...SOME FINE STORY ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH AND LUST AND LOVE AND GREED AND RICH FOLKS AND POOR FOLKS AND THAT OLD SHIBBOLETH OF PEOPLE GETTIN' WHAT THEY NEED. SINGER 2 OF SHOWMEN AND PLUMBERS AND A DESP'RATE ONE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE LAW OF BANKERS AND DRUMMERS AND A WHOLLY UN- EXPECTED DENOUEMENT

BUREAUCRAT

(A TALE OF) SEVERAL UNDERTAKERS AND SMART FOLKS AND DUMMIES AND BUSINESSMEN WHO FLY BY NIGHT AND TRUE FOLKS AND FAKERS AND SIDESHOWS AND MUMMIES ALL WITH NARY A DADDY IN SIGHT AND OUR TALE IT GETS TANGLED AS IT WOOFS AND IT WARPS AND AT LONG LAST, IT FINALLY APPEARS THAT ELMER HAS A PEACEFUL RESTING PLACE FOR HIS CORPSE AND A NEW JOB FOR ONE HUNDRED YEARS

BUREAUCRAT A VACATION FOR 100 YEARS SINGER 1 A TALE OF EXTENSIVE ROSTERS SINGER 2 AND LEGAL PALAVER ELMER AND POLICE WHO START A MUSEUM BUREAUCRAT

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OF NO-GOOD IMPOSTERS WHO STEAL A CADAVER ALL AND CHARGE FOLKS A DIME JUST TO SEE 'EM

SINGER 1

OF ROBBING AND STEALING

ELMER AND SLOW CALCIFYING BUREAUCRAT AND THE SURENESS THAT TIME DEFILES ELMER OF HURTING AND HEALING SINGER 2 AND A LOVE THAT'S UNDYING ALL AND A FOOTRACE OF THREE THOUSAND MILES ALL THERE'S VITAL RAILROADING AND WAKING AND DREAMING ELMER AND OLD-FASHIONED MACHISMO

BUREAUCRAT AND ITEMS EXPLODING SINGER 2 AND FINAL REDEEMING ALL AND A SIX MILLION DOLLAR TEEVEE SHOW WE HOPE THAT OUR SINGING DID DELIGHT AND REGALE SINGER 1 & 2 WE’RE JUST REDEEMED BALLADEERS ALL IN JUST NINETY MINUTES

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WE DONE TOLD YOU A TALE THAT DID TAKE OVER SEVENTY YEARS. IT DID TAKE OVER SEVENTY YEARS.

THE END