GETTING THRU CONFLICT
Living Well Despite the Challenges
A project of Southern University at New Orleans
Universities Rebuilding America Partnerships US Department of Housing amp Urban Development
George Amedee Ph D Project Director
AuthorsJulianna Padgett PhD LCSWHarry J Doughty MSW GSW
Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict alternatives to passive or aggressive responses alternatives to violence
Dorothy Thompson
Stress Traumaamp Conflict
Stress of any kind can change our relationships to ourselves and those around us
Depending on our personality we may become more passive or more aggressive
Either way may lead to hurting ourselves or others
IMPORTANTAnger is normal but hurting ourselves and each other isnrsquot
There are productive ways to express anger
find solutions to problems and
have better relationships
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
As adversaries which sees each
other as the problem andfocuses on our differences and can result in
Tension Anxiety Sour relationships Low productivity No solutions Health problems
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
Cooperatively whichpromotes understanding ofdifferences amp focuseson our common ground and can result in
RelaxationFriendlinessGood relationshipsAchievementEmpowermentSolutions
Clues to Cooperative Conflict
accept conflict as normal and
nothing to be afraid of
be alert to early signs of discomfort
understand your own feelings and be able to express them
listen
be open to new solutions
forgive yourself and others
believe that conflict can be resolved
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
Within Your Family Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and differences
within your family
From Search for Common Ground Conversation about Conflict
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict alternatives to passive or aggressive responses alternatives to violence
Dorothy Thompson
Stress Traumaamp Conflict
Stress of any kind can change our relationships to ourselves and those around us
Depending on our personality we may become more passive or more aggressive
Either way may lead to hurting ourselves or others
IMPORTANTAnger is normal but hurting ourselves and each other isnrsquot
There are productive ways to express anger
find solutions to problems and
have better relationships
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
As adversaries which sees each
other as the problem andfocuses on our differences and can result in
Tension Anxiety Sour relationships Low productivity No solutions Health problems
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
Cooperatively whichpromotes understanding ofdifferences amp focuseson our common ground and can result in
RelaxationFriendlinessGood relationshipsAchievementEmpowermentSolutions
Clues to Cooperative Conflict
accept conflict as normal and
nothing to be afraid of
be alert to early signs of discomfort
understand your own feelings and be able to express them
listen
be open to new solutions
forgive yourself and others
believe that conflict can be resolved
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
Within Your Family Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and differences
within your family
From Search for Common Ground Conversation about Conflict
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Stress Traumaamp Conflict
Stress of any kind can change our relationships to ourselves and those around us
Depending on our personality we may become more passive or more aggressive
Either way may lead to hurting ourselves or others
IMPORTANTAnger is normal but hurting ourselves and each other isnrsquot
There are productive ways to express anger
find solutions to problems and
have better relationships
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
As adversaries which sees each
other as the problem andfocuses on our differences and can result in
Tension Anxiety Sour relationships Low productivity No solutions Health problems
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
Cooperatively whichpromotes understanding ofdifferences amp focuseson our common ground and can result in
RelaxationFriendlinessGood relationshipsAchievementEmpowermentSolutions
Clues to Cooperative Conflict
accept conflict as normal and
nothing to be afraid of
be alert to early signs of discomfort
understand your own feelings and be able to express them
listen
be open to new solutions
forgive yourself and others
believe that conflict can be resolved
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
Within Your Family Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and differences
within your family
From Search for Common Ground Conversation about Conflict
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
As adversaries which sees each
other as the problem andfocuses on our differences and can result in
Tension Anxiety Sour relationships Low productivity No solutions Health problems
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
Cooperatively whichpromotes understanding ofdifferences amp focuseson our common ground and can result in
RelaxationFriendlinessGood relationshipsAchievementEmpowermentSolutions
Clues to Cooperative Conflict
accept conflict as normal and
nothing to be afraid of
be alert to early signs of discomfort
understand your own feelings and be able to express them
listen
be open to new solutions
forgive yourself and others
believe that conflict can be resolved
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
Within Your Family Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and differences
within your family
From Search for Common Ground Conversation about Conflict
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Two Ways to Handle Conflict
Cooperatively whichpromotes understanding ofdifferences amp focuseson our common ground and can result in
RelaxationFriendlinessGood relationshipsAchievementEmpowermentSolutions
Clues to Cooperative Conflict
accept conflict as normal and
nothing to be afraid of
be alert to early signs of discomfort
understand your own feelings and be able to express them
listen
be open to new solutions
forgive yourself and others
believe that conflict can be resolved
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
Within Your Family Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and differences
within your family
From Search for Common Ground Conversation about Conflict
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Clues to Cooperative Conflict
accept conflict as normal and
nothing to be afraid of
be alert to early signs of discomfort
understand your own feelings and be able to express them
listen
be open to new solutions
forgive yourself and others
believe that conflict can be resolved
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
Within Your Family Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and differences
within your family
From Search for Common Ground Conversation about Conflict
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
Within Your Family Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and differences
within your family
From Search for Common Ground Conversation about Conflict
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
How do you deal with conflict 0 being lsquoalmost always NOrsquo - 5 being lsquoalmost always YESrsquo
At Work Question 1 Is it easy for you to raise an issue or disagree hellip
0 1 2 3 4 5
Question2 When in conflict can you share your feelings especially angerhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 3 Do you deal with the ldquorealrdquo issue and find resolutionhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
Question 4 Is everyonersquos voice heard and respectedhellip0 1 2 3 4 5
And to think about
What would it take to create a safe or comfortable space for conflicts and
differences at your workplace
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Conflict is a natural part of lifeConflict is everywhere it is a normal part of life and every relationship
Conflict is neither good nor bad Conflict does not have to result in winners and losers
Conflict offers a choiceAlthough there is not an easy answer to all problemsthere is always a choice
Dealing with conflict can be learned and practicedChoosing to deal with conflict through a cooperative approach requires a commitment to rise above automatic responses and the courage to step into the unknown It is a muscle we can build a question of attitude experience and learning from each other
Conflict is Inevitable
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is itDiscomfort Are you mulling over the situation because it is not sitting quite right with you What are your feelings and thoughts about it So far have you said very little about it
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Incident Can you point to one or several specific occasions in which you clashed on this subject What was said that was upsetting
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Misunderstanding Do you believe the other person has misinterpreted your feelings motives or responsibilities How Could you be misinterpreting the other personrsquos How
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Tension Do you now hold a negative stance towards this person Does each new interaction confirm your poor opinion of himher In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Crisis Has a major explosion occurred Were extreme measures threatened What Were extreme measures executed What Was the outcome constructive or destructive In what ways
Recognizing Levels of ConflictChoose a recent conflict involving you It could be anything from a minor discomfort to a huge crisis What level of conflict is it
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
80 of conflicts can be solved by attentive concerned listening
Listen until a new understanding an new acceptance or a creative solution arises
Source Educators for Social Responsibility
To De-escalate Conflict First Listen
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Know that anger might be on top but there are other feelings below the surface
We see the top of the iceberg and react to it Often whatrsquos on top is a personrsquos anger
Beneath the surface are all the other driving emotions and real needs desire to be respected or loved is the biggest need
To resolve a conflict we must go below the surface
We go below the surface by listening and being willing to understand
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
F
IND
WORDS
Find words for your feelings Understand clearly what you are feeling and which of your basic needs is being frustrated
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
IDENTIFY
Identify your anger triggers What are those things that you know make you angry that you may be sensitive about that bring on feelings you donrsquot really understand yourself
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
COOL
DOWN
Learn reducers to cool down If something triggers your anger donrsquot respond immediately Instead count to ten before you speak walk away for a few minutes think about what is happening to you and why Breathe Find what works for you
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipR
ESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your behavior Admit if you did something wrong donrsquot blame anyone else Remember no one can make you feel or act the way you do Itrsquos your choice
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellipCOMMUNICATE
Communicate Say what you are you feeling and why you are feeling it Donrsquot shut down Do it without blaming the other person for your feelings
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
LISTEN
Listen Listen Carefully listen to what the other person is saying Donrsquot interrupt And listen again
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
IF YOU ARE ANGRYhellipshifthellip
REFLECT
Reflect on how yoursquore dealing with anger Understand that we most often learn how to deal with anger from our childhood Think about what you learned Consider what is good about how you manage anger and what yoursquod like to change
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
When the other person is angry
listenhellip First defuse Acknowledge that yoursquore willing to listen Help the person
clearly say what the problem is Then problem solve (if appropriate) What are ways that could
change the situation It helps if you can keep the people and the problem separate
Listen attentively Pay attention paraphrase encourage reflect feelings Be assertive but not defensive Breathe and keep focused on the
other personrsquos feelings and needs You can clearly state what you did or what yoursquore willing to do but be gently assertive not defensive
Restate content and reflect feelings Let them know that you are really listening by telling them what you heard them say
Encourage speaker Use verbal and non-verbal indications that yoursquore willing to listen These include things like head nods eye contact and ldquoyes I understandrdquo
Ask questions Clarify what you donrsquot understand
Exception If someone is abusing you verbally emotionally or physically do not continue to engage in this process Stand up for yourself Physically leave as soon as you can
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
How to Listen for Understanding
First Just Listen Second Paraphrase content and reflect feelings ldquoIf I heard you correctly (state content and reflect feelings)
For example to paraphrase you might say something like ldquoSo you believe strongly _________rdquo ldquoYou were unhappy when she ______ rdquo ldquoThe way you see it is _______ rdquo
Third Ask ldquoDid I get it rightrdquo Then If yes great If no ask ldquoWhat didnrsquot I get rightrdquo Listen and paraphrase again until there is understanding
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
How to be Assertive not
Aggressive
Describe the situation or idea as clearly and specifically as you can
Express how you feel about the situation Use I or Myrdquo statements to make clear
your feeling and thinking
Specify what you want Include a specific deadline
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
1) Reason With Yourself
How you interpret and explain a situation determines whether you will feel angry or not Put yourself in a personal ldquohot spotrdquo (ie go stand in the longest line at the grocery store) and ask yourself the following three (3) questions
1048766 Is this really important enough to get angry about 1048766 Am I justified in getting angry 1048766 Will getting angry make a difference
2) Defuse Anger in Relationships
1048766 State your observations about the problem(s) 1048766 State what you think what you are feeling and what you
want
From University of Nevada Reno Student Health Center
Anger Reducers
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
More Anger Reducers
3) Cool Off
Breathe Withdraw Exercise Laugh at yourself Distract yourself
4) Stay in the present
The best clue that anger may be coming from old resentments is when a ldquoten-centrdquo provocation triggers a ldquoten-dollarrdquo response
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
More Anger Reducers
5) Practice Empathy Reframe the situation by trying to see things from the other personrsquos point of view
6) Help Others Anger and hostility cut you off from the people around you It makes you feel apart from-rather than a part of-the larger human community Volunteering helps fight the isolation that fosters anger
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Anger Reducers
7) Let it Go
The following questions can help you evaluate whether aparticular resentment is worth keeping Ask yourself
Do I use my anger as a way of feeling more powerful or in control
Does my anger help me avoid communicating
Do I use my anger to punish others or make them feel guilty
Do I use my anger to cover other feelings that I am trying to avoid
What do I gain by staying angry What do I gain by giving up my anger
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
DONrsquoT
A short list of ways to block your communication amp Badger with attack questions Threaten Make arbitrary demands or commends Moralizelecturecriticizeshow contempt Blameaccuse Give advice Discount or dismiss what is being said Use sarcasm Stonewall
A short list of ways to block your communication amp escalate conflict
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
Commit to Increasing Peace
In the midst of stress try and relax Breathe It will help you listen more
respectfully to everybody and yourself Be aware of your own needs ndash take
responsibility for meeting them Communicate without blaming others Bring out the best in others and in
yourself Do one good thing for yourself everyday
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-
We each make a difference hellip
We are all interdependent and Irsquoll only be safe when others are safe too
When we are more aware of the way we deal with our conflicts we can choose and commit to dealing with them in a way that brings growth and mutual understanding
Change takes place one person at a time until it touches us all and becomes the norm
THE END
Edited by Stephanie Jordan Project Coordinator
SUNO-URAP May 2009
- Slide 9
-