Does Bernard Ponsonby Know?

by

Ross "Teddy" Craig

09/09/2013 draft

rosscraig1@hotmail.comascottishwriter.com

SCENE 1

The stage is in darkness. Audio news clips play.

NEWS (V.O.)The man is still on the roof of Holyrood and maintaining his threat to jump if his views are not broadcast -

NEWS 2 (V.O.)...apparently identified as a Tory Parliamentary aide -

NEWS 3 (V.O.)Incredible scenes here, just a day before the nation goes to the polls to decide on the independence debate.

SCENE 2

A spotlight shines on the stages. In the spotlight is ANDREW Ferguson, a young man in his 20s. He is wearing a Conservative rosette.

ANDREWThats me that theyre talking about. Up here on this roof. A Tory parliamentary aide. I know what youre thinking...

Jump.

Why am I up here?

Let me take you back to September 2013. I became assistant to one of Scotlands leading Tory MSPs. Sorry, thats me indulging in political spin already. He taught me well. More accurately, I became assistant to one of Scotlands few Tory MSPs. Murray Paterson.

The stage fades to black

SCENE 3

The stage is lit. Sitting at his desk and on the phone is MURRAY Paterson. An inappropriately laddish middle-aged man, something of a Scottish Jeremy Clarkson. ANDREW is standing awkwardly near his desk, waiting to speak to him. Another desk lies vacant.

MURRAYRight...so do you want a soundbite for your paper or a press release?

[BEAT] Look, never mind what my actual opinion is until Ive found out whether you need that opinion to fit into a sentence or into a paragraph. I might just have to change it. [BEAT] Uh-huh.Ok. In that case, just print Gay Marriage? Is there any other kind? OK? [BEAT] Why does it have to mean anything? You print it and say what you think I mean by it, then the next day Ill explain that I meant the opposite. Are you on work experience?! Right, over and out! [HANGS UP] Over and out. What a shame Ruths only one of those things so far...

MURRAY looks up at ANDREW.

MURRAY (CONTD)[FULL OF BONHOMIE] Andrew! Settle yourself down over there. [INDICATES THE OTHER DESK]

ANDREW[NERVOUSLY SITS DOWN] Thanks Mr Paterson.

MURRAY[GIVING A FRIENDLY SCOLDING] Andrew! Call me Murray.

ANDREWThanks... Murray.

MURRAYBig step up for you, this. Not just lending a hand in the constituency office anymore. Now youre a full-time MSPs assistant at Holyrood.

ANDREWYes, it feels like a dream.

MURRAYNot the kind of dream I favour myself. Though the roofs in such a state here at Holyrood that I suppose both types of dream are wet.

ANDREW looks embarrassed.

MURRAY (CONTD)Come on now Andy boy, youll need to toughen up a bit in the banter stakes if youre going to survive here. I remember the day Tommy Sheridan refused to shake my hand. Didnt faze me. I just asked to sniff the bastards fingers instead.

ANDREW looks appalled but attempts a weak laugh.

MURRAY (CONTD)Right. Not too big on the banter then Andy?

2.

ANDREW[QUIETLY] Andrew.

MURRAYTell you what, Andrew, why dont we have a little chat about what it was that drew you into politics and got you to this stage? Think of me as a soldier at a checkpoint in Afghanistan and you as a woman with a suspiciously large bump in her burka. I want to find out whats making you tick!

ANDREW[CRINGES] Well, I see the Tories as the party of small business -

MURRAY[NODS FACETIOUSLY] Under us, the number of businesses has become smaller than ever.

ANDREW[MOMENTARILY PERPLEXED] - and I like the idea that people can make and take their own opportunities. Shape their own destiny.

MURRAYDestiny... Makes me think of Scotlands own iconic piece of legend, the Stone of Destiny. No wonder people reckon us Scots are tight. Arthurian legends are about a magical sword being pulled out of a stone. Our legend-makers decided, Fuck that, do you know how much swords cost? Lets make our national treasure... just the stone.

ANDREWMurray, can I ask you something?

MURRAY[SIGHS] 23.

ANDREWWhat?

MURRAYIve slept with 23 women. Well, lets say 22 and a half.

ANDREW looks appalled

MURRAYOh, Christ, no. Not a child! No, one of them was in Thailand. Not really sure what was going on.

ANDREW[ABOUT TO REGAIN HIS THREAD, BUT THEN INTRIGUED] But they must have had...[INDICATES GROIN] something?

3.

MURRAYNope. Strangest thing. Like an Action Man. Well, at least I was like an action man once I realised that only the front door was boarded up. [BEAT] At this point Im not using the term Action Man to suggest that I have no genitals, Im using it suggest that I was a man of action.

ANDREW[QUICKLY TRYING TO SKIRT OVER IT] Yup, got that...

MURRAYAnyway, bit of a personal question Andrew, but now you know.

ANDREWThat wasnt what I was going to ask.

MURRAY[SURPRISED] Oh. Well, fire away.

ANDREWWhat I was going to ask was...why did you get into politics?

MURRAY[PAUSES, SITS BACK IN HIS CHAIR] Your first mistake Andrew, is in thinking that this is politics. This isnt politics. This... is showbusiness.

ANDREWShowbusiness?

MURRAYShowbusiness. We put on a face for the cameras, we say what the [DOES FINGER QUOTATION MARKS] fans want to hear, and we hope to God that nobody works out who we really are and what we really think.

ANDREWSo youre saying that everyone in politics is...is a liar?

MURRAYNo Andrew. Im saying that were politicians. [SMILES] Why did I want to get into it? Well, I was pretty good at rugby at school - but all the moneys in football. Some of my friends were into buying and selling property...but thats a mugs game - boom & bust. Something we help to create, as it happens. Politics? Now, politics doesnt go away. Its not boom & bust. Its always there, it always pays and it always opens doors.

ANDREWWhat about... the people?

4.

MURRAY[MOCK CLENCHED FIST SALUTE] The people? The people get what they want. They get to imagine that theres a struggle, that theres an argument. They get to imagine that one half is trying to crush them while the other half is trying to save them, emancipate them. It makes them feel important, fought over...part of something.

Far better than realising that none of us are too arsed either way -

ANDREW[CUTTING HIM OFF] Youre seriously saying that nobodys here because they want to make a difference?

MURRAYLook Andrew... Think of Northern Ireland as a microcosm of politics. One half look to a King who had no interest in anything other than ruling them. The other half look to a Pope who was allied to that same King in his attempts to do so, because it suited the Pope to have those people quelled.

Normal people controlled by powerful people and all of those normal people trying to imagine that the powerful person they look up to actually gave a damn about them.

ANDREWYou think people are that stupid?

MURRAYStupid enough that renegade Provos still try to shoot and bomb their way to freedom from one country that doesnt actually want them...and into the arms of another country thats shit-scared of having to pay to police them?

Stupid enough that people wrapped in Union Jacks throw petrol bombs for the right to fly the same flag as us, not realising that it just makes us all the more terrified of them? Both sides like a woman you quite fancy who turns up at your house at 3am covered in blood, saying Ive killed him so we can be together and cant understand why you suggest taking things slowly?

Do I think people are that stupid? Only most of them Andrew. Only most of them.

ANDREW falls silent.

MURRAYToo bleak for you?

ANDREWIt felt like you should get Radiohead to set it to music.

5.

MURRAY[TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD] Its not all bleak here, you know, most of the time its a bit of a laugh.

ANDREWA laugh? But its not meant to be about having a laugh is it? Its meant to be about making peoples lives the best they can be.

MURRAY[DRYLY] Short?

ANDREWDont you want to make a difference to 6 million people in Scotland?

MURRAYYou say make a difference like that phrase automatically suggests a positive. Hitler made a difference to 6 million people.

ANDREWYou know what I mean. Do some good - help people.

MURRAY opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a bottle of whisky and a glass. He motions to ANDREW.

ANDREWIsnt it a bit early?

MURRAYIm not actually going to drink the bloody stuff. Vile. I just quite like having it in the the desk to pull out and offer to people. Makes me feel like were all in Mad Men.

MURRAY puts the whisky and glass back.

MURRAY (CONTD)Anyway, you were saying...?

ANDREW[LOOKING A BIT THROWN BY THIS LITTLE BIT OF OFFICE THEATRE] Yes...dont you want to help people?

MURRAYPeople here may not have much, but the problem is that they have just enough. You give a kid in Africa 10,000 bricks and hell build a home for his family. Give a kid in Shettleston 10,000 bricks and its a good time to buy shares in Autoglass. Nobody in Scotland wants help - why patronise them with it?

6.

ANDREWThen... what are we actually doing here?

MURRAY[SITS BACK TO BEGIN A STORY} Yknow, I admired the Soviets...

ANDREWWhat?!

MURRAYI mean, they had their five-year plans. Everybody had to produce a certain amount - or the whole plan was shafted. Nobody could produce less than that. But at the same time...nobody could produce more than that. So what are we doing here? Were not doing so little that theres a riot or a revolution...were not doing so much that the rest of the system cant cope with it. Were just doing enough. Were Goldilocks and were taking it easy in Baby Bears bed.

ANDREWWere Goldilocks?

MURRAYYup. Thats the fairytale that works best really. Were not quite the Three Little Pigs because were in a building made of bricks and it still looks like it might fall down. The wolf would have been here by now but hes waiting on a tram.

MURRAYI just cant believe that our politicians would have so little respect for people.

MURRAYFor people? Andrew...do you know what Fred West, Pol Pot and Piers Morgan all have in common?

ANDREW[QUIETLY, A BIT BROKEN] Theyre all people.

MURRAYThats right. Theyre all people. So save me from the argument that people have an inherent right to respect.

You know that thing that the gun nuts say in America? Guns dont kill people, people kill people? Theyve got a point.

Two reasons not to respect people. 1) They kill people... and 2) Theyre so bad at killing people that were now living on a ridiculously overcrowded planet. Actually, 3) Theyre so unperturbed by their own inefficiency at killing people that they continue to produce more people.

Really, it should be one in, one out at worst.

7.

Ideally, to get a licence to have a child youd already have to have killed two people.

In my utopia, Harold Shipman wouldnt have been sent to prison, hed have been put out to stud.

ANDREWBut...but, you cant seriously think things like that should be Conservative party policy?

MURRAYPolicy? Oh, yes, the politics thing again. Well, I tell you what Andrew, I can see how keen you are on [DOES FINGER QUOTATION MARKS] politics, so lets get back onto steadier ground. Lets talk politics. What do you think...is the biggest challenge facing the Scottish Conservative Party over the next 12 months?

ANDREW[THINKS, LOOKS ENLIGHTENED] To make the case for maintaining the union.

MURRAY[SMILES INDULGENTLY FOR A MOMENT, THEN BRINGS HIS FIST DOWN HARD ON THE DESK WHILE MAKING THE FAMILY FORTUNES BUZZER NOISE] Wrong! Try again!

ANDREW[UNNERVED] Em...the economy?

MURRAY[DOES THE FIST SLAM AND BUZZER NOISE AGAIN] Try again!

ANDREW[EVEN MORE NERVOUS NOW] If I try again and Im wrong again are you doing to do the fist thing and the eh-eh thing again?

MURRAYIs it upsetting you?

ANDREW[NODS] A little bit.

MURRAYThen I wont.

ANDREWOK...immigration?

MURRAY[ENTHUSIASTICALLY SLAMS FIST AND DOES BUZZER NOISE AGAIN.] Wrong!

8.

And for Gods sake Andrew, never trust a politician when they tell you theyre not going to do something just because you wouldnt like it!

Immigration? Were not bloody UKIP. [THROWS UP HANDS] The problem isnt new people coming here, the problem is the moaning bastards that already are here. Show me a UKIP voter and Ill show you a guy who hasnt met enough hot Eastern European women. Or a woman whose husband has.

Now, would you like to know what is the biggest challenge facing the Scottish Conservative Party over the next 12 months?

ANDREW looks completely unnerved by now and can only muster a nod.

MURRAYThe biggest challenge facing the Scottish Conservative Party over the next 12 months is ensuring that the Scottish people vote Yes to independence. [SITS BACK IN HIS CHAIR TO LET THE NEWS SINK IN]

ANDREW looks baffled, thinks, looks like hes got it for a moment...then sinks back into bafflement.

MURRAY [CONTD]Who do you think wants independence Andrew?

ANDREWThe SNP...? [WINCES, EXPECTING MURRAY TO SMASH HIS FIST DOWN]

MURRAY[QUIETLY] Wrong.

ANDREW looks at MURRAY quizzically over the lack of gesture.

MURRAY[HOLDS UP HIS FIST, LOOKS TO IT THEN ANDREW] You have to know when to stop. [BACK TO THE QUESTION] The thing is Andrew, at the moment, the SNP is the party of protest for voters in Scotland.

The Scottish electorate have always hated us so were out, Labour let them down so theyre out for now...but the SNP? They [USES HIS FINGERS TO INDICATE QUOTATION MARKS] stand up for Scotland in the face of Westminster and they offer change.

So after independence...what? Theyll stand up for Scotland in the face of...Scots? Theyll offer...no change?

9.

What would the difference be between them and Labour? Theyre...how can I put this delicately? Theyre fucked. Whereas we, we, Andrew, become the party of protest. We would offer a return to the Union...so wed be offering change.

To put it in your favoured parlance...we could offer to make a difference.

ANDREWBut, but...do you really think even then that enough Scottish people would ever vote Tory to actually put us into power in Scotland?

MURRAYChrist, no. Dont be an idiot. No offence -

ANDREW holds up his hand and shakes his head in an unconvincing attempt at suggesting he wasnt offended.

MURRAYNo, the left wing vote will be split between Labour, the zombie SNP, a version of the Lib Dems claiming collective amnesia over the Westminster coalition... and the hard left will be split between the ones metaphorically shafted by Tommy Sheridan and the ones literally shafted by him. We dont need to have enough seats to be a majority party Andrew...we just need enough votes to become kingmakers. When that rabble are trying to form a government...or even just trying to force through some bill, such will be the in-fighting that somebody will have to come crawling to us.

ANDREWSo, hang on...what youre saying is that we want independence...and the SNP dont?

MURRAYThats politics Andrew. Black is white and white is black.

ANDREW[ATTEMPTS WEAK JOKE] So whats grey?

MURRAYA useless prick only remembered for hiding in a sandwich shop.

ANDREW[PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, THEN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SMILES] Wait a minute...of course. My first day on the job, this whole thing...an MSP saying he doesnt want to make a difference, saying that the Tories want independence, the SNP dont...I feel like such an idiot. [CHUCKLES WITH EMBARRASSMENT] Im sorry Murray, you must be worried about what an idiot youve got working for you -

10.

MURRAYOn the contrary, I welcome it.

ANDREW- taking so long to get the joke. You really had me going!

MURRAYJoke?

ANDREWIt was a good one though. I suppose next I was half-expecting you to tell me that Nick Griffin likes immigrants!

MURRAYNo Andrew, Nick Griffin doesnt like immigrants.

ANDREW[SMILES] Ha!

MURRAY...He loves them.

ANDREWWhat?

MURRAYFat, one-eyed, socially awkward and fending off allegations of a homosexual affair? Who do you think a bunch of bored skinheads would start on first if the immigrants were gone?

ANDREW[LOOKS FAINT] Jesus, so...this is true. The whole thing is...

MURRAYFlipped.

ANDREWI had another F in mind.

MURRAYI realise its all a bit much to take in at first, but give it a couple of days and youll be right into the swing of it.

ANDREWI just dont...I just dont know what to think.

MURRAYDont think. Never think. The greatest thinkers of our time are all dead. Norman Tebbits alive and kicking.

ANDREWRight, sorry Murray, but youre going to have to take me through all of this more slowly. What do the Lib Dems want?

11.

MURRAYIf you ask me.. a bloody good hiding!

ANDREWLabour...what do Labour get out of independence?

MURRAYThey get their talent back. Imagine if English football booted out every Scottish player tomorrow... we might actually have a Scottish football league worth watching. [THINKS] Actually, no, thats a bad example. But, tell you what, name me a Labour politician from Scotland.

ANDREWGordon Brown.

MURRAYRight, the pain in the Manse. What was good about him?

ANDREWPolitically experienced, knew his stuff.

MURRAYWhy didnt the English like him?

ANDREWBecause he was always looked miserable.

MURRAYExactly. Up here that would be dynamite! Nobody trusts a smiling politician in Scotland. Imagine all the Labour Scots being kicked out of Westminster and flocking to Holyrood. Brown? Eric Joyce? A miserable guy and a guy whod offer you a square go if you spilled his pint? You cant buy that kind of connection with the Scottish electorate.

ANDREW[SUDDENLY LOOKING LIKE HES GETTING IT] Oh, ok, so thats another reason why we secretly want independence - because wed get our Scottish Tory talent back too.

MURRAY[THOUGHT ONLY JUST OCCURRING TO HIM, UNCONVINCED] Like...?

ANDREWLike, like, ...like Michael Gove!

MURRAY[VISIBLY DEFLATED, TALKING MORE TO HIMSELF] Jesus. I hadnt thought of that. Thats a doomsday scenario. Oh well, maybe his political career will have been ended by a sex scandal before that doomsday scenario can arise. If even his own wifes shagging him then I think its scandalous.

12.

ANDREWSo...if nobody at Holyrood actually wants what they say they want, then what is it that were all actually going to do for the next 12 months?

MURRAYWhat politicians have been doing for thousands of years Andrew. Were going to put forward the views people expect of us...and were going to make a complete arse of doing so.

ANDREWYoure seriously telling me that even the party leaders...want to mess things up?

MURRAYIf they have any integrity at all. Unfortunately some of them get carried away with their own egos, start to become popular. Its shameless.

ANDREWSay this party - Ruth Davidson, does she want to fail?

MURRAYWell she knows shell be getting axed if she doesnt. Thats why we had to get rid of Annabel Goldie.

ANDREWWhat?

MURRAYYou saw the debates before the last election didnt you? Of course nobody actually liked our policies, but people had come to...tolerate her. It just wouldnt do. That Valerie Singleton look. She was too much like...[THINKS] the right kind of Blue Peter presenter.

ANDREWThe right kind of Blue Peter presenter?

MURRAYYes...the kind people look at and go Aww...I used to love Blue Peter. Making castles out of Rice Krispie boxes and empty washing-up liquid bottles.

ANDREWWhats the wrong kind of Blue Peter presenter?

MURRAYThe kind you look at and think Why is my drink cloudy? Look, Andrew, sometimes the leaders go rogue, it happens. We all just need them to stick to the script.

13.

ANDREWBut if she knows shes being set up to fail...why did she even want the job in the first place?

MURRAYThe ego, the ambition. People just want to make sure theyve had a spell as leader. Something for the CV, something to tell the grandkids about before they go through your house lifting ornaments and selling them on ebay because youre too alzheimers-riddled to make a credible witness in court.

The clever among us - those whove learned to master the ego - were like the great comedians. We appreciate that its all about timing.

ANDREWI thought comedy was meant to be all about timing?

MURRAYAnd this isnt comedy to you?

ANDREWIts depressing.

MURRAYWatch anything with Lenny Henry in it. Theyre not mutually exclusive.

ANDREWGetting back to Ruth Davidson...what does she get out of this?

MURRAYBasically, she wanted to be leader now. A bird in the hand and all that - though Im pretty sure shed also quite like two birds in her -

ANDREW[THROWS UP HANDS AND INTERRUPTS] Can we not?

MURRAYIts all in jest Andrew. And I do love a woman who ingests.

ANDREWSo what happens to her after the referendum?

MURRAYShe gets a firm handshake from the new leader.

ANDREWThat new leader being...?

14.

MURRAYA bloody good bloke. [SMILES]

ANDREWHang on, if parties want to have a leader pretending to be incompetent enough to lead them to certain humiliation... why did Labour ever get rid of Ian Gray?

MURRAYPretending Andrew, pretending. Once a party finds out the leader isnt pretending then its just unnerving. Theyve done well with Johann Lamont actually, kudos to them. Its a good plan.

ANDREWPlan?

MURRAYYup. Theyre preventing her from being seen on TV or heard on radio. People only see her name written down, they think its a bloke called Johann...and they think of Johann Cruyff. In their head Labour have a leader so cool and talented that even if they did perform a political u-turn, itd be the most skillful political u-turn ever.

But the day before the big vote, theyll plaster her all over the TV screens and the radio...the whole nation will realise Bollocks. Its just somebody whose parents couldnt even spell Joanne.

ANDREW[STILL CLUTCHING AT STRAWS OF HOPE] But...but...Alex Salmond! Alex Salmond always looks confident and competent! Why would the SNP have a confident and competent leader if theyre trying to lose the argument?

MURRAYLike I say, sometimes they go rogue. Hell have to start toeing the line or hell be finding out what its like to be attacked from behind the grassy knoll. Well, the heathery knoll.

ANDREWYou actually think a party would have a popular leader shot?!

MURRAYGod, no! [BEAT] Do you know how much support surges in the wake of a tragedy? No, theyd be having to fight off the voters.[THINKS] Shooting Salmond... Can you imagine cremating that? Itd be like Scotlands biggest ever chip pan fire.

15.

ANDREW[UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE CHAT BUT MOVING ON] So what will they do about him then?

MURRAY[WAVES HIS HAND] Theyve got a plan.

ANDREWWhats the plan?

MURRAYAndrew...your girlfriend - and, may I say, ridiculously for a Tory - is an SNP parliamentary assistant, right?

ANDREW nods.

MURRAYYoure seriously telling me that you didnt know about any of this stuff...and youve never heard her mention Operation: Top Trump?

ANDREWNo, whats that?

MURRAYEven Im not sure. I just know its their plan for dealing with Salmond if he doesnt knuckle down. Probably a photo-shop of him taking a Highland Bull by the horn.

ANDREW[HOPEFULLY] Do you mean horns?

MURRAYI think by now we know each other better than that, Andrew. Now tell me...your girlfriend is in the SNP? You didnt know anything about the flip, you dont know anything about Operation: Top Trump...what the hell do you two talk actually about?

ANDREWWe have a rule that we dont talk politics...

MURRAYWell what do you talk about?

ANDREWEm...[TRYING TO THINK] about the boxed sets weve been watching.

MURRAYAndrew, Andrew, Andrew...Id love to keep talking down to you at this point, but is one of them Breaking Bad?

16.

ANDREWYup!

MURRAYTremendous, isnt it?

ANDREWIts great!

MURRAY[ENTIRELY SERIOUS] Every time I hear a teacher moaning on about their wages now, I think Well, why dont you just set up your own crystal meth production and distribution network?

ANDREW[STARTS ENTHUSIASTICALLY BEFORE REALISING WHAT HES AGREEING WITH] Yeahh...

MURRAYAnd Dexter?

ANDREWWe love it.

MURRAYA serial killer who only kills bad people. Great, but so unlikely. Itd be like being a politician and only shafting bad people.

ANDREWHang on - the celebrities backing the Yes campaign, do they know?

MURRAYConnery does.

ANDREWSo he doesnt want independence?

MURRAYAn independent Scotland? The subsidies that would go to the whisky industry? He cant risk harming the Japanese whisky industry and losing out on his adverts. Thats before you even take into account that he said hed live here if it was independent. Hes in his 80s. The temperature change would kill the poor bastard.

ANDREWBut...but...people like Sean Connery - hell be gaining Yes votes!

17.

MURRAYYoud think. But people like James Bond. They dont like some guy living in the sunshine telling them what to do and who to vote for, while advertising foreign whisky and being a Celtic fan who follows Rangers because they used to let him on their plane for European matches.

ANDREW[CONTEMPLATIVE] Nobodys what they seem to be. Murray, theres another reason why I got into politics...

MURRAYSpit it out then. As Ive never said before.

ANDREWTen years ago, you came to speak to the politics society at my school. I wasnt even a member of the politics society, but it was chucking it down outside. I thought I could at least sit somewhere warm for half an hour.

Id never had any interest in politics before. Never listened to anybody talk about.

You didnt have a seat in Holyrood at that time, you were just working your way up the ranks. You were only there because the other parties had all sent people over the course of the term. Nobody really wanted you there. The teacher who ran the society said it was important to have balance though...

MURRAYI think I can see where this is going. I rocked the joint, right?

ANDREWNo. A couple of the boys did those coughs, you know the [TALKS THROUGH COUGH] Wanker! ones. Then a couple of the girls got up and walked out because you were talking about the need to invade Iraq...

MURRAYSome people just dont want to hear the truth -

ANDREW looks at him.

MURRAY [CONTD]Well, when I say truth, obviously I dont speak the truth truth...

ANDREWActually, thats a point - did you want to invade Iraq?

18.

MURRAY[SHAKES HEAD VIGOROUSLY] Thats no way to treat one of your biggest clients. You have to think of the repeat orders.

ANDREW[GETTING SARKY NOW] Id have thought the arms sales to our own army to allow them to invade might have compensated for that.

MURRAYNo, wed still have needed to arm them anyway to defend us against him and all the arms hed have had. Come on Andrew, [NO AWARENESS OF THE IRONY] the guy was a psycho.

ANDREWAnd Syria now?

MURRAYWhatever will be will be. At the end of the day, do you know who are the people who cause wars?

ANDREWGovernments.

MURRAYBlood donors.

ANDREWBlood donors?!

MURRAYOils $100 a barrel Andrew, bloods free. Until blood donors stop their ego-driven nonsense and let it accrue in value, nobodys going to waste their time trying to preserve it. Now, getting back to me...

ANDREW[SHAKES HEAD, PAUSES, REMEMBERING] You talked about how it was alright to be different. About how only 10% of people might vote Tory in Scotland but when we become a nation who stops listening to 10% of its voices then weve lost 100% of what this country should be.

You said that the Conservatives were a party that listened and wanted a country that listened.

[Quietly] And nobody used to listen to me.

There is a pause. ANDREW looks to MURRAY waiting to see if hes managed to draw a genuine response from his fallen idol. Eventually MURRAY breaks the silence.

19.

MURRAYWell that would bring a tear to a glass eye. But then again, so would being caught on a Sky microphone calling a racist old woman a racist old woman.

ANDREWSo none of what you said...you didnt mean any of it?

MURRAYRemember what Im about to say Andrew, itll stand you in good stead. It is alright to be different. Its alright to be black or white. Its alright to be male or female. Its alright to be gay or straight. But this is Scotland. So whats its not alright to be, never has been alright to be and never will be alright to be - is a whiny wee poof.

SCENE 4

SPOTLIGHT ON ANDREW

ANDREWYou have to hand it to Murray. Especially if theres a good chance of it containing anthrax. Id been let down by my hero...and now I was going home to find out how much Id been let down by the love of my life.

STAGE FADES TO BLACK

Scene 5

ANDREW is sitting on the couch. Beside him is his girlfriend LOUISE. Theyre sharing a bottle of wine. LOUISE seems a little nervous.

LOUISESo how was your day? As it was your first day in the job Im even prepared to relax the golden rule and allow you to mention politics in your answer.

AndrewIt was...[STRUGGLING TO FIND THE RIGHT WORD] enlightening. Actually, no, whats the opposite of enlightening?

LOUISEDarkening?

ANDREWEm...yeah, thatll work. Soul darkening.

20.

LOUISE[NERVOUSLY JOKING] Andrew, darling, youre a Tory. I dont love you for your soul...I love you despite you not having one.

LOUISESo what did you boys talk about?

ANDREWMen, Louise. If I called you and a female colleague girls youd be offended.

LOUISETrue. And yet when I got IDd buying this [INDICATES THE WINE] it felt like the best day of my life. [FISHING] So what did you two men talk about?

ANDREWLouise...you work for the SNP, right?

LOUISEWow. Way to make a girl feel special by struggling to remember what she does for a living.

ANDREWWoman. You work for the SNP...and you support the SNP. Right?

LOUISESupporting is for football fans and anyone else who wants to pick a colour and blindly cheer for it. What I do is happen to agree with the key policies of the SNP and Im lucky enough to have the chance to help facilitate them.

AnDREWRight...so, independence...youre into it?

LOUISE[PLAYING DUMB] What?

ANDREWYoure up for it?

LOUISEWhat are you talking about?

ANDREWDo you want independence or not?!

LOUISEAndrew, Im in the SNP.

ANDREWThats not what I asked you though.

21.

LOUISEWhy would I be in the SNP and not want independence for Scotland?

ANDREWWhy would you answer a question with a question?

LOUISEWhy was it alright for you to do it just then?

ANDREWLook, this is daft! I know.

LOUISEYou know what?

ANDREWI know and now you know that I know.

LOUISEActually, I dont know that I know what you know that I know.

ANDREWThe SNP! The Tories! Labour! The Lib Dems! The ones that say they want independence dont and the ones that say they dont want it, do want it! None of them want what they say the want! For all I know, the bloody Greens want to build a nuclear bomb!

LOUISE[SIGHS] Well, yes, but to be fair - they aim to use it to blackmail the Japanese into giving up whaling.

ANDREW[MOMENTARILY INTRIGUED] What about Iceland?

LOUISEThats far too close to us to use a nuclear bomb on them, dont be ridiculous.

ANDREWAh.

LOUISE[WAVES HANDS DISMISSIVELY] No. Theyll use the nuclear powered subs to sink their fishing boats, but theyll only be firing clean torpedoes, obviously.

ANDREWSo this madness is all true then?!

22.

LOUISE[SIGHS] He told you.

ANDREWWho told me what?

LOUISEMurray bloody Paterson told you about the flip.

ANDREWWhy didnt you tell me?! Youve lied to me!

LOUISEI didnt want to risk the truth coming between us.

ANDREWTruths the most important thing in a relationship!

LOUISENo...thats just a lie that people tell you.

ANDREWOne of many it would seem!

LOUISEThink about it this way, actually, all thats happened is that youve found out that you and I actually agree with each other. Were on the same side. You thought there was something getting in the way between us...and now youve found out that there isnt.

Whats so bad about that? Its like finding out that I was lying to you about me spending a night on the town a footballer but that in the end I was only doing so to make it a nice surprise when I produced his autograph for you.

ANDREWDid you sleep with the footballer in that analogy?

LOUISEIm pretty sure that asking your girlfriend if shes sleeping with someone else in her analogies is one of the first signs that youre an excessively jealous boyfriend.

ANDREWBut do I agree with you? What do I think? I dont even know if I agree with me now. What the hell is going on?!

LOUISELook...what is it that people are always banging on about in TV talent shows these days?

23.

ANDREWI dont know - dead grandmothers?

LOUISEApart from that. Theyre always talking about The Journey. Its been an amazing journey...Ive been on an incredible journey...Ill never forget this journey. Sometimes its better to travel than to arrive.

ANDREWIve yet to arrive anywhere so bad that it didnt beat the journey there with Ryanair.

LOUISEIm being serious. This is the most exciting time in Scottish politics for years. Next year something massive is going to happen and for once, everyone in the country is actually talking about it. Kids have an interest in it, old people have an interest in it. Never mind an interest in it - they actually have an opinion on it! So, what? We let that moment happen once and then let things slide back into apathy? Or we have all that excitement, interest and thought again in another ten years time?

ANDREWThis is insane.

LOUISENo. This is politics.

ANDREWYou sound just like him.

LOUISEReally? And what did he say?

ANDREWThat its all a lie. That its all an act. That everyone in politics just says what they think people want to hear and that they dont give a damn what actually happens.

LOUISEWell thats a lot of rubbish.

ANDREWIs it?! Youve just told me that youre part of the same lie!

LOUISEThats different.

ANDREWHow is it different?

24.

LOUISEHe lies because he doesnt care. I lie because I do care.

ANDREWSo one of yous immoral and the others amoral - which is which?

LOUISENo! Im moral and hes...both of the others.

ANDREWYou cant be amoral and immoral!

LOUISEYoure a Tory working to ensure Scotland gets independence, which bit of contradiction is possible arent you getting yet?!

ANDREWBut cant you see that this is just wrong? Hes manipulating people and youre manipulating people! Hes lying to people and youre lying to people! Hes letting his ego run away with him because he thinks hes cleverer than the voters...and youre doing exactly the same thing!

LOUISEThis has got nothing to do with my ego! This is me trying to do something good for the people of Scotland! Is that what you want to happen, independence to come and then people to settle into a new status quo for 300 years and stop thinking all over again?

ANDREWWhat about the positives of independence? The self-confidence, wed all have to believe in ourselves and pull together to make it work. Wed have the return of our top political talent. Wed be focusing on our own economic situation instead of having to factor in the wildly differing situation in the South of England.

LOUISEI thought you were anti-independence?

ANDREWYoure the one whos meant to believe all these things. Im just trying to play devils advocate!

LOUISEYouve been promoted from just being his Parliamentary assistant then?

25.

ANDREWMurray Paterson is not the dev- [THINKS, SIGHS] Murray Paterson might be the devil. But, youre doing the same as him except youre just putting it all down to good intentions. [THINKS] And the road to hell is paved with good intentions!

LOUISEDid...did you just quote the bible at me?

ANDREWI mentioned the devil and that was alright!

LOUISEThe devils banter. Biblical quotations are creepy. Thems the rules.

ANDREWWhy are they the rules?

LOUISEBecause Scotlands never had a serial killer called Devil John.

ANDREW[HOLDS UP FINGER AS IF ABOUT TO CONTINUE ARGUMENT. THINKS] Yeah, fair point. [BEAT] So hang on, if it wasnt about keeping things constantly teetering on the edge, if you thought people would stay interested in politics either way...would you want independence or not?

LOUISEFor thousands of years. either literally or metaphorically, people have tried to build a wall around Scotland. Personally, Im holding out for somebody whos prepared to build a roof over it.

But until then, all I want is for people to be engaged, inspired, involved! I want to bring the joy of activism, campaigning and awareness to all of them! I want to be like...like...a missionary!

ANDREWWell youre going the right way about it! Youve got some lies, some half-truths and a hugely misguided sense of superiority.

LOUISE[SMILES UNDERSTANDINGLY] Oh Andrew... You may not believe this is right just now, but some day you will.

26.

ANDREWWhat the hell happened to you?! You were never like this when we...when we...[REALISING HE NEVER KNEW HER]when we watched TV together. I thought I knew you!

LOUISEAnd now you do. I dont have to hide anything from you anymore. Its wonderful actually. Like a fresh start for us both. Like weve been born again.

ANDREWBewildered, frightened and in need of a good scream. Yup, Ill go with the birth thing. Look, this is all madness! What are you going to do when the journalists find out about it? Youll all be finished!

LOUISEWhen they find out about this...?

ANDREWJesus! You mean them too?

LOUISEAndrew...so far youre showing yourself to feel let down by politicians and journalists. Some day we really need to sit down and discuss how you feel about bankers and second-hand car dealers.

ANDREWBut...but breaking news is their job! Dont they want this?! The ultimate scoop?!

LOUISEDoesnt a political correspondent want to bring about the collapse of the political system that its their job to report? Fleas dont kill the dog, Andrew.

ANDREW[LOOKS CLOSE TO TEARS] Does Bernard Ponsonby know?

LOUISEThey ALL know!

ANDREW[A SMALL TEAR, SOBS]

LOUISEReally? Over Bernard Ponsonby?

ANDREWToday I found out that my new boss is a liar. That my girlfriend is a liar. I thought at least I could rely on...

27.

Bernard Ponsonby. So...when John Smeaton wanted to run for Parliament and Bernard made him look like an idiot in that press conference...he was just doing it to stop Smeato blowing the whole thing wide open?

LOUISENo. He was just asking John Smeaton a question. You dont make Smeato look like an idiot. Bear in mind we were dealing with a man who said he was running for Parliament because people dont trust politicians...while operating under the illusion that they do trust baggage handlers.

ANDREWLouise... whats Operation: Top Trump?

LOUISESo Murray doesnt know everything then?

ANDREWHe knows that its a plan to discredit Alex Salmond if he doesnt start throwing the independence campaign.

LOUISEAlex Salmond. [SIGHS] That man and his love of the cameras will be the death of me. Its amazing. Were in an age where looks are everything so we bring him back as leader to send us into a nosedive...then widescreen goes and become the default TV size just to inadvertently accommodate him.

Wed have been better off sticking with Swinney. He was like somebody had spliced together William Hague and Dominik Diamond and dressed the result as an insurance salesman.

God I miss those days.

ANDREWIf everythings about image then at least youve still got Nicola Sturgeon.

LOUISEYeah, shes some consolation. Any kind of hairstyle so long as it can also be found on a lego character.

ANDREWYoure avoiding the question, whats Operation: Top Trump?

LOUISEJust some files on Alex Salmond.

ANDREWOh God. Him taking the Highland Bull by the horn?

LOUISE[CONFUSED] What? Files on him and Donald Trump.

28.

ANDREWBoth of them taking the Highland Bull by the horn?

LOUISENo! Not those kind of files. No, heaven forbid Donald should get a hair out of place.

ANDREWSo whats in the files?

LOUISELike I said, heaven forbid Donald should get a hair out of place. Theyre files showing Trump asking Alex what it would take for him to remove any windfarms near his golf course and abandon plans for any more. Hes terrified that the turbines will create some kind of typhoon that will catch his hold of his hair and unravel it from around his scalp like hes being de-mummified. [THINKS] Actually, maybe hed build a roof over Scotland...

Anyway, the files contain some emails between them...

ANDREWSo what does Salmond want? Trump to buy Hearts and sign Leo Messi?

LOUISENo, hes not crazy.

ANDREWSo...?

LOUISEHe just wants Trump to put up the money to take out a contract on Vladimir Romanov.

ANDREWHes really that stupid that hed try to bargain with Donald Trump? Over a murder?

LOUISEEverybody has a weakness Andrew. So tell me. Whats yours?

ANDREWWell, Im still here talking to you amnt I? I havent walked out. Yet.

LOUISEYoure not going to, are you?

29.

ANDREWWhy shouldnt I? Youre not the person I thought you were...youre not the woman I fell in love with.

LOUISEYoure still the guy I fell in love with...thats a start. Tell me what we can do to get through this?

ANDREWYou have to be honest.

LOUISEIve just told you everything, havent I?

ANDREWI dont just mean with me. I mean you have to be honest with the public. Somebody has to blow the whistle on all this. We can do it together!

LOUISENobody will listen to us! Ive told you, if you try going to the papers theyll blank you!

ANDREWIll find a way. I have to find a way. And when I do, I just need to know that youll back me up. That youll confirm everything.

LOUISEIs that what itll take?

ANDREWThats what itll take.

LOUISEThen Im going to show you whats truly important to me. Im going to do whats right.

ANDREWI have an idea. Its going to mean a bit of waiting...and were both going to have to pretend to keep going along with this disgusting charade for a bit, but I think its the best chance of we have of generating enough publicity that it cant be ignored.

LOUISEIll wait Andrew...and when youre ready, Ill show you the real me. The me that cares.

SCENE 6

ANDREW is back in his rooftop setting.

30.

ANDREWSo now you know too. Ive spent the past few months pretending. Letting Murray think I was on board. To make the maximum impact Ive had to wait for tonight. People have gathered, theyre tweeting about the guy on the roof at Holyrood...they cant cover this up.

There are camera crews down there. I think its time for the truth.

ANDREW picks up a loudspeaker.

ANDREW (CONTD)People of Scotland! My name is Andrew Ferguson. Im here because it was the only way I could think of to generate enough attention to let you all know the truth.

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)Are you in Fathers for Justice?

ANDREWNo! Look at me! Im not dressed as Batman!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)I thought maybe you were dressed like him when hes Bruce Wayne.

ANDREWBruce Waynes a billionaire. He doesnt dress out of the Next sale.

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)Maybe hes a billionaire because hes thrifty?

ANDREWLook, Im not dressed as Bruce Wayne and Im not in Fathers For Justice. Im here to tell you something. Something important.

You have been lied to by your politicians -

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)Tell us something we dont know!

ANDREWYou dont know this! You dont know the full extent of it! The parties who tell you that theyre backing independence - in fact, theyre opposed to independence. The parties who tell you that theyre opposed to independence...theyre secretly backing independence.

Black is white and white is black!

31.

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)So whats grey?

ANDREW[KNOWING LOOK TO AUDIENCE, SHRUGS] A useless prick best remembered for hiding in a sandwich shop.

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)[BEAT] Fair point.

ANDREWI have uncovered a giant conspiracy that is taking place right under our noses, here at Holyrood! The politicians are in on it. Our media are in on it! They are all Goldilocks!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)Im Spartacus.

ANDREWI mean that they dont do too much that anything actually gets done and they dont do so little that people rise up...they do just enough!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)Mate, thats called having a job.

ANDREWThey are supposed to be here to serve you. Were all meant to be here to serve you!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)Double vodka and coke.

ANDREWThey think that they can ignore you. Some of them even think that you dont want to be helped! That you find it patronising when people try to help you!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)I suppose you think that telling us all this makes you some kind of bloody hero? [More muffled] Fucking hate do-gooders.

ANDREWYou must listen to me. Theyre all in on this. Every political party. Each one believes the opposite from what they claim to believe in...and all of them know about it. Theyre all trying to undermine their own arguments. The Tories...they want you to vote for independence. And the SNP...they want you to vote No.

In fact, tonight or first thing tomorrow, the SNP will release emails undermining Alex Salmond!

32.

Theyre going to sabotage their own leader! De-rail their own campaign!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)How do you know all this stuff that youre coming out with?!

ANDREWBecause Im a parliamentary assistant to a Conservative MSP!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)[QUICKLY LOSING INTEREST IN ANDREW NOW] Oh aye, a Tory...THATCHER! THATCHER! MILK SNATCHER!

ANDREW[GETTING DISTRACTED, OFFERING PATHETIC DEFENCE] Shes actually very fondly remembered by the lactose intolerant community...But, look, I think were getting away from the point here!

Yes I am a Tory, but a real one! Not like my boss! He doesnt believe in any of the things that the Tories say they believe in!

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)He sounds alright.

MURRAY (O.S.)[TO CROWD MEMBER] I am alright. Im a bloody good bloke. [TO ANDREW] Look, Andrew...Andy!

ANDREWAndrew.

MURRAY (O.S.)Andrew. Just come down, everythings going to be ok! Im so sorry, I feel like this is all my fault.

ANDREWFinally, now were getting somewhere!

MURRAY (O.S.)Andrew, if youre not going to come down, will you let me come up there and talk to you?

ANDREWI think thats a good idea. A very good idea in fact.

MURRAY (O.S.)Im on my way up.

ANDREWSoon, friends! Soon, the truth will be known!

33.

CROWD MEMBER (O.S.)Ask him about Roswell.

ANDREW

A panting MURRAY arrives onto the stage carrying his own loudspeaker. He has clearly arrived too quickly to have actually climbed the stairs to the roof, the actors exchange a knowing look.

ANDREWThat really was soon.

MURRAYJust wanted to get here and help a friend in need Andrew.

ANDREW[TURNS TO ADDRESS CROWD] People of Scotland! One of the liars is before you. The game is up for him. Murray, Im asking you to tell them the truth.

MURRAY[ADDRESSING CROWD] People of Scot - [TURNS BACK TO ANDREW] Do we really need to call them that? Theres only about 100 of them and half of them are Japanese tourists who just think were doing an extended run of a Fringe show.

[ADDRESSES CROWD AGAIN] People standing in front of the Parliament, hello. And konnichiwa.

I am Murray Paterson, this man is my Parliamentary assistant and Im afraid I have to tell you that this is all my fault.

ANDREWHere we go!

MURRAYFor a few months now, Ive suspected that my young employee, nay, my young friend here, was on the verge of a breakdown.

ANDREWWhat?!

MURRAYSomething Ive suspected ever since I caught him taking heroin in the office.

ANDREW[FURIOUSLY, PULLS UP SLEEVE] What?! So where are the trackmarks?!

34.

MURRAYSmoking heroin in the office. Im afraid that I didnt do the right thing. I thought I was protecting him by not telling anybody. In fact, now I can see that thats the last thing I was doing.

So to you Andrew, and to the people gathered here...and to the people below...and to the people following this on Twitter or on Sky News...I want to say sorry. Im sorry. This is my fault. Blame me. Mea culpa. Dont blame this young man, we cant know what stress and strain he has been under.

ANDREWYou might think youll get away with this pack of lies Murray, but right now my wonderful girlfriend Louise - who works for the SNP, proving the cross-party nature of this deception - is making herself known to the Sky cameras and is about to spill the beans. About to back up every word I say. About to blow the whole thing out of the water. [PULLS OUT HIS MOBILE]

The wonders of modern technology. Listen to this and weep Murray.

LOUISE...I love him and respect him. He knows. He does know. He knows the truth. Weve talked about it. To be honest, weve talked about almost nothing else for the last few months.

Throughout this ANDREW is smiling and nodding triumphantly.

LOUISE (CONTD)

He knows the truth. [BEAT] That its me or the drugs.

ANDREWWhat the fuck?!

MURRAYAndrew, please. Youre upsetting our Japanese visitors.

ANDREW[REMEMBERING, SHOUTS TO CROWD] Did you know the Greens want to drop another bomb on you?

MURRAY BEGINS ADVANCING TOWARDS ANDREW

ANDREW (CONTD)[TURNING BACK TO MURRAY] What the hell is going on? What have you two been up to?!

35.

MURRAY[MURRAY IS SHOUTING THROUGH THE LOUDSPEAKER FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE CROWD BELOW] Oh my God, Andrew! No! No! Dont do it!

ANDREW[STILL DAZED AND CONFUSED] What?

MURRAYNo, Andrew, wait! You musnt!

ANDREWEh?

MURRAY BEGINS REACHING OUT TOWARDS ANDREW

MURRAYAndrew! Take my hand! Let me help you!

ANDREW[WITHOUT THE LOUDSPEAKER] What are you talking about, you prick? Im not actually going to -

The stage fades to black.

RADIO NEWS (V.O.)The result, previously tipped to be close, turned into a landslide for the Yes campaign. Exit polls and interviews suggested that those voting Yes were split into two camps. Half believed that Tory parliamentary assistant Andrew Ferguson had staged his dramatic appearance on the roof at Holyrood to try to confuse Scots into voting no by bluffing that the Tories wanted them to vote Yes... while the other half believed that Mr Fergusons appearance was, in fact, genuine...and that you cant trust a junkie.

SCENE 7

ANDREW is lying in a hospital bed. He is bandaged. There is a radio by the side of the bed. Louise is sitting by the bed waiting for him to regain consciousness. Andrew starts to come to.

ANDREWWhere am I?

LOUISEYoure in the hospital. You jumped off the roof at Holyrood, remember?

36.

ANDREW[THINKS] No...Murray pushed me off the roof at Holyrood.

LOUISEYes, Im sorry about that...

ANDREWYou betrayed me. To him!

LOUISEPlease Andrew, you must understand. I was only trying to help people.

ANDREWHelp people?! Do I look like youve helped me?!

LOUISEThink about it sensibly. Youd never have managed to convince everybody that you were telling the truth...and even if you had, youd have collapsed the whole political system. It would have been chaos, anarchy - how would that have helped anyone? Murray and I discussed this. You can still help lots of people.

ANDREWSo who won?

LOUISEThe Yes vote.

ANDREW[BITTERLY] Some consolation that you didnt get what you wanted at least.

LOUISEActually, Id talked that over with Murray and we realised that the main thing was covering up the flip, come what may. But that there could still be a way for me to help people after your rooftop appearance...

ANDREW[SPITS HIS WORDS OUT] Help people?! You?! What people?!

LOUISEDrug addicts.

ANDREWWhat?!

LOUISEIm Scotlands new drugs czar.

37.

ANDREWCzar. Thats exactly the role I would pick for you.

LOUISEThank you.

ANDREWBeing dragged into a basement and shot.

LOUISEAndrew, you know how committed I am to motivating people, engaging them in the big issues today. This is the perfect role for me. Not only am I experienced in political campaigning, but now Ive also been touched personally by the tragic life of a drug addict.

ANDREWExcept that Im not on drugs.

LOUISEWell, youve already generated a lot of publicity, but there are still some people who arent quite sure. Some people think you staged the whole thing. They think that you arent actually on heroin.

ANDREWIm not on heroin!

LOUISEI thought you were less selfish than this Andrew.

ANDREWWhat the hell are you babbling about you backstabbing psycho?!

LOUISEYou have a lot of power right now Andrew. You can give hope to every addict out there. You can make sure that tomorrow, heroin addicts are still on the front page of every newspaper in Scotland. You can make sure that foundations, rehab centres...fun runs...that all of those things happen. In your name. In a touching and well deserved tribute to you.

ANDREWWhat do you mean tribute? Im not dead!

LOUISENo. [SOUNDING GENUINELY IMPRESSED] And well done on that by the way. Surviving that fall was pretty impressive.

ANDREW[SARCASTICALLY] Why thank you.

38.

LOUISE[EARNESTLY] The thing is Andrew, I thought about going along with your plan, I really did...but its just that - it could never have worked. And, as you know, all I want to do is help people. Do whats best for the masses. Put them before my own needs. Needs like... a job working for the SNP or...a living boyfriend.

ANDREWYou want me to kill myself?

LOUISENo. What I want is for you to give life to the Andrew Ferguson Foundation.

ANDREWBy killing myself?

LOUISEAndrew, cant you picture the fun run? Me giving an interview to the press at the starting line. Pointing to a guy in fancy dress and saying This is the only dragon I want to see our young people chasing?

ANDREWKill myself?

LOUISEIf its any consolation, it wouldnt look like youd meant to do it. Youll just have overdosed on heroin. Which youre so addicted that you even took it in the hospital while in a weakened state. Oh, and the absence of track marks is because previously you did only smoke it...but you couldnt do that in hospital because of the smoke alarms.

ANDREWWell, youve thought of everything...but let me tell you, that will not be happening.

LOUISE delves into her bag. Pull out a pair of rubber surgical gloves and slips them on.

LOUISEFingerprints, you see.

LOUISE dips into her bag again and first pulls out a belt.

ANDREWI think thats a bit too small for me.

39.

LOUISE reaches over and squeezes his arm.

LOUISENo, should be fine.

Then she fishes out a syringe, a spoon, a lighter, some cotton wool, a small phial, a bottle of water and a bag of brown powder.

ANDREWEm...you do realise Im not actually going to do this?

LOUISE[BASICALLY IGNORING HIM AS SHE SETS THE KIT OUT ON THE TABLE] Uh-huh...

ANDREWIn fact, I wouldnt even know how to do this.

LOUISE[SUDDENLY LOOKS EXCITED] Oh, thats fine, theyve taught me now! It was all part of my induction. Understanding the process. Its great, its like doing the safety announcement on a plane.

LOUISE then proceeds to mime her way through the whole process, picking up each bit in turn.

ANDREW[DRYLY] Eventually theyll release a Swiss army knife aimed at the Scottish market that does all of this.

LOUISEAnyway. Ill leave this with you, just in case you change your mind.

LOUISE removes the gloves, puts them back in her back and gets ready to leave. She turns back to him.

I love you.

LOUISE exits

ANDREW

[SHAKES HIS HEAD] If only youd hated me. [TO HIMSELF] Psycho. I wouldnt give you the satisfaction.

ANDREW leans over to switch on the radio.

40.

RADIO NEWS (V.O.)...more later on the shock assassination of former Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov, but first, its over to Holyrood for the breaking news that the new Scottish Conservative Party leader has just been announced as Murray Paterson. And we can hear from him now. Murray - its been difficult time for you and the party recently, but it must be a great honour for you to have been selected as leader - especially beating off stiff competition from Michael Gove - do you have a message that you want to send out to people?

MURRAY (V.O.)Right now Im just thinking about my friend and colleague Andrew Ferguson in that hospital bed. If you can hear this Andrew, then I want you to know... that I could never have achieved this without you.

ANDREW[SHOUTS] Louise!

LOUISE enters the room again.

LOUISEI was just waiting outside in case you changed your mind...

ANDREW holds out his arm.

ENDS

41.

42.

43.