difficult conversations 2009 presented by mary m. rydesky transition management consulting
TRANSCRIPT
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Difficult Conversations
2009Presented by
Mary M. Rydesky
Transition Management Consulting
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“Disagreements, poorly
handled, lead to poor
decisions, strained
relationships, & eventually to
disastrous results.”
– K
Patterson, et al
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What Makes Conversations Difficult
DCs are difficult for diverse reasons & are affected by the social power positions of those engaged
The “difficulty factor” rises when we Assume that the other person thinks, or
feels, what we think/feel
Make assumptions about motivation
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What Drew You Here?
Exercise #1
With a partner, describe a situation that required or involved you in a difficult conversation (“DC”)
What would you have liked to have known then?
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Your ExperienceWhen have you experienced a DC?
Recall where (setting)
Recall issue
Recall your role
Recall emotions & thoughts
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Difficult Subjects
?
?
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Difficult Settings
?
?
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Difficult Roles
Professional roles?
What roles?
Personal roles?
In what way?
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Personalities
Traits? Habits? Responses?
What makes someone difficult?
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“Difficult Personalities”
Have you met…
The Liar
“Ms Fragile”
The Easily Insulted
The Instigator
And Other Favorites...
The Bulldog
The Bully
The Blamer
The Martyr
“Mr. Teflon”
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Which One?Exercise #2
With a partner, describe a “DC” with a difficult personality
What was the hook?
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“The Vibes”
What makes bad chemistry?
What makes good chemistry?
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Fears
The outcomes?
Reactions?
Consequences?
The conflict?
Social/conversational discomfort?
?
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Another Perspective
Exercise #3
With a partner, describe a difficult conversation (“DC”) in which you were not the ‘heavy’
What would you have liked the ‘heavy’ to have altered in the handling of it?
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Non Verbals: A Review
Posture & body language create a feeling of involvement on your part
Appropriate body movements & attention create a productive atmosphere
Appropriate eye contact creates openness
Calm, quiet, environment…full attention
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The First Rule: See Solutions
We usually make two mistakes...
We convince ourselves that there is only one perfect (usually unattainable) solution
We convince ourselves that there is no solution
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The Second Rule: Acknowledge the
Difficulties
If the conversation or subject is difficult, say so
It’s OK to say what aspect of the conversation is difficult for you
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The Third Rule: We Are Only
Half of Any ConversationUltimately, we can’t control how people feel or what they think
We can only do our best
This is both scary & liberating
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Keep LightNo Stance Is Totally
IntractableIdentify the subject - this is harder than it seems
Often we find that the difficulty is not what we “assumed” it was
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ReframingFraming - the way a conflict is described or a proposal is worded
Reframing - changing the way a thought is presented, maintaining its fundamental meaning but is more likely to support resolution efforts...
"The art of reframing is to maintain the conflict in all its richness but to help people look at it in a more open-minded & hopeful way” -- Bernard Mayer, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution
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FocusPrepare an Outcome
DCs are not casual chats
Compartmentalize your emotions
Emotions are not thoughts! They reflect something important– but they don’t tell us what or what to do about it
That’s what thoughts are for
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Impact
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Preparing for Outcomes & Solutions
Worksheets by Triad
www.diffcon.com
Reflect & write
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Evaluate What Happened? Feelings Identity Issues
Multiple Stories Impact/Intent Contribution
Difficult Conversations by D Stone, B Patton & S Heen
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Step 1 PreparationWhat happened?
All sides, all perspectives
What feelings
Unspoken feelings are treacherous
What affect on identity
What is at stake for me about me?
Treat your views as fallible, not as certain
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Step 2 Purpose Check
What is to be accomplished?
All sides, all perspectives
Decide whether to have the conversation
Is it the best way to accomplish your purpose?
Chart costs & benefits vs. have & not have
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Task & Relationship Value
Force the issue and sacrifice the relationship (non-learning conversation)
1
Progress and integrate the task & relationship (learning conversation)
4
Leave things alone (non-learning conversation)
2
Sacrifice the task (non-learning conversation)
3
High task importance
Low task importance
Low relationship value High relationship value
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Step 3 Compare
Describe the problem as the difference between your stories
Share your purposes
Invite joint exploration of the problem
Create a partnership environment or agreement – & hold to it
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Step 4 Explore
Listen – understand
Ask questions
Acknowledge feelings
Secondly, share your view
Include thoughts on how & where various stories arose
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Step 5 Problem Solving
Gather information
Ask questions
Invent options with value to each party
Separate inventing from selection options
Create ways to keep channels open
Use “By when?” for accountability
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Separate People &
Problems• Refer to a resource
• ombudsman approach• Breath deeply
• avoid tactics that engage• Emotional response?
• walk, take a break
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Confront or Avoid?
The “Broken Window Theory” tells us to address problems quickly...
Before incidents turn into patterns
Before small problems become large problems
Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into a mountain
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Types of DCs
Bad news message
Conflict – emotion or style based
Conflict – fact or ethics based
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Bad News DCsPrepare & practice
Talk in private
Come to the point quickly – no preamble
No surprises – keep staff informed
‘nature abhors a vacuum’ & the recipe for gossip
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It’s Usually Not “Fact or Fiction”
Often several interpretations to every story
Hidden Issues? You betcha!
Frequently what you are arguing about is never the actual problem
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Keep Track of the Conversation
Get started - calmly identify the subject
Acknowledge your own difficulties in addressing the existing problem – speak for yourself, not for them
Ask useful questions – don't assume you know someone else’s motivations or thoughts
Silence is golden – allow them to speak
Acknowledge, don’t challenge their feelings
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How to Start • "I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I
think will help us work together more effectively.”
• "I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.“
• "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?“
• "I think we have different perceptions about ____________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.“
• "I’d like to talk about _______________. I think we may have different ideas on how to __________________.“
• "I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this & share my perspective as well."
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Feelings Before Facts
Feelings carry more weight than facts
Address your feelings in the dialogue – be open & honest about yourself
Ask them about their feelings & acknowledge them – no assumptions
Recognize, acknowledge, & verbalize that feelings matter– but realize they don’t necessarily dictate actions or outcomes
Give TIME for feelings to be verbalized
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Virtual DCs Email? Blogs? Other media?
Performance issues, HR conflicts are clearly not appropriate
Use email for stating purpose, agenda, desired outcome, & time, date, place
Frame all issues as a shared responsibility to understand & address
Practice ‘ambulance writing’
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Virtual DCs II Videoconferences?
Offset time & distance
Place cameras for tight view with good front lighting
Telebehavioral health findings: the Remote Control effect
Recording & ethics
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Summary Prepare (use templates)
Practice
Just Do It
Reflect on Outcomes
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What Will You Try Exercise #5
On your notes, write the following:
What one new idea or new perspective on an old idea occurred to you?
What one idea will you agree to implement in the next 7 days?
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Discussion, Questions, Observations...
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Resources
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Mary M Rydesky, MLS, MBAMary M. Rydesky has experience in for-profit, not-for-profit, voluntary, academic, and
healthcare sectors as well as small business entrepreneurship. She has operational, consulting, and clinical backgrounds, specializing in knowledge management systems, planning and operations, organizational development, and distance learning. Her perspective as an HR professional has proven beneficial to clients and employers whose goals include sustainability through quality improvement, customer satisfaction, internal communications, and procedural efficiency.
As Human Resources Director for a telecommunications research firm, Ms. Rydesky directed three massive reductions in workforce – truly, a setting for difficult conversations! Her experience as a manager with expertise in organizational development and personal mentoring has yielded comparatively positive situations: but even in better times, talking about change can be challenging.
Ms. Rydesky operates Transition Management Consulting, established in 1975, with offices in Anchorage and Dallas. Transition Management has served clients whose businesses or careers are experiencing change. Visit www.transitionmanagement.us for additional information or to contact her there following today’s presentation entitled Human Resources: Difficult Conversations. Contact: [email protected]