Kevin’s Corner – February 2011

In an ever increasing attempt to remind ourselves how idiotic we have become over the past few decades, a variety of regulatory bodies, concerned citizen groups and vegetarians have banded together to impose their views of what is important on the rest of humanity. Perhaps noble in intent but ghastly in execution (or grip on reality for that matter), the outputs of such groups usually end up being largely ignored by most for all but a wisp of time when their voices shout the loudest…and then they move on to the next cause and leave us alone.

However, some of these inane ramblings have led to changes which, for reasons unknown, seem to permeate the fabric of our usually “protected-by-familiarity, ignorance-is-bliss” society. When this occurs, we all end up wearing helmets on motorcycles (overall a good thing), not using enough deodorant (a bad thing for anyone near your person) and eating organic food (the jury is out). The single aim of these endeavours is simple: save the world, one person/animal/frog at a time; protect everything as best you can, lest it be damaged/eaten/made extinct/bad for the frogs.

This manner of thinking has long been extended into our daily lives. True, the amount of exposure we endure on a daily basis is frightening, from high rise fire hazard buildings we work 10 hours a day in, to hurtling ourselves in pressurized metal cans through the sky as often as possible and eating cheese sandwiches which have been cryogenically preserved and can only be traced to their origins using carbon dating techniques – on our way to a place which will undoubtedly give us gastro, Chlamydia or Ebola. In terms of modern history, perhaps driving a car and flying in an airplane can be deemed the most dangerous, but common knowledge tells us that, on a comparable scale, driving a car is myriad times more dangerous than spending a few hours on “Air Getyourwillinorder.”

So it makes sense that car manufacturers have had to pay attention to the mollycoddling ideas of said compassion crusaders. If it were up to them, we’d probably all be screeching around in 300km/h supercars with no seatbelts on while smoking, chatting on the phone and playing loud music. But of course we need to protect ourselves against, within and whilst around such large, metallic demons and so we have all sorts of reassuring devices looking after us: pre-tensioning seatbelts front and rear, 217 airbags per passenger, self-cornering headlights, front, rear and lunar facing cameras to detect pedestrians, other vehicles and endangered wildlife. There are bumpers that absorb impact and body panels that crumple when they hit a human being (almost as quickly and efficiently as the human itself). Night vision screens and self-activating emergency/headlights round off the package to ensure that no harm will ever befall the driver, the occupants, or anything within a mile of your car.

Or will it?

You see, a couple years back, this group got together and decided that cars are so menacing that, even under the glare of our own midday sun, they should be lit up in order to ensure they are “visible” to all who may be in its deathly presence. So the “daytime running light” saga was born.

The Audi R8's LED daytime running lights intrigued...so much so that everyone's doing it today.

Now I’m sorry, but if you are of such a dense nature that you cannot see three tons of painted metal hurtling towards you without it having lights in front of it, you deserve to be swiftly removed from our gene pool anyway, along with the group of people who coined the term “daytime running lights”, vegetarians, most people from Brakpan and those that actually put their headlights on during the day as well. If you see me coming towards you with my headlights on around lunchtime on a sunny afternoon, yes, they are daytime running lights, because I am on the road during the daytime and you should not be there, so best you get running, laaitie.

Bikers have been particularly critical of the movement and I agree. Motorcyclists have long held some comfort that, by law, them having their lights on at all times at least lets car drivers know that they are not a car and therefore may be weaving their way (legally… yes it is people) between you and your neighbor. Now, with cars doing the same thing, everything becomes a blur of headlamps for no good reason whatsoever.

Of course we know who our biggest DRL advocates are: BMW and Audi drivers. A mere mention of the words “Angel Eye” or” Shapely LED Strip” gets you bunch all quivery at the knees doesn’t it? Merc recently jumped on the bandwagon too. OK, don’t get me wrong, I do agree that these lights add flair and look good, but for heaven’s sake: they were intended for use solely during two parts of the day – dusk and dawn, a period neither of which last for more than an hour before good sense should make you turn them off or put them on.

Even BMW's trademark corona rings have gone LED.

Daytime Running Lights, for anyone who uses them, are the most pointless, stupid and irritating form of punishment you can inflict on those around you boasting an IQ higher than that of a brick and driving skills better than yours. Honestly ask yourself when the last time was that someone said to you “it was the middle of the day and I nearly got hit, but I saw his headlights on and knew at that point that I should not be walking down the fast lane of the N3”.

The fact of the matter is that pedestrians that get knocked over by cars are the result of a few factors that no amount of vehicular illumination is going to reduce. Pedestrians jumping in front of cars between parking bays, being drunk or suicidal are not going to give a rat’s arse about the fact that your squiggly shaped LED lights look cool. They will still leave the scene with four rings tattooed on their forehead and a mouthful of windshield. Drivers who are speeding in densely residential areas, past schoolyards or who have decided to plough through the outside seating area of the local Wimpy are not going to be considerate enough to turn their lights on so that you can see them coming either.

The next time someone tells me that Daytime Running Lights are a good idea, which protects and preserves all of humankind, I will prove them wrong. I will pull out a torch, shine it in their eyes and then smack them across the head while they are blinded. Didn’t help that time, did it?

- Kevin Willemse