Dear Santa,

There seems to be a great misunderstanding between the two of us. You see, I thought that you’d fill my parents with “Christmas Spirit” and whatnot in order to create the “Perfect Christmas” for my family. However, it seems that you have failed your duties and, therefore, have eradicated any last hope of there being any sort of certainty in the existence of your cumbersome, improbable being. But, for the purpose of this letter, and the purpose of this letter only, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and believe that you are sitting in a climate that cannot sufficiently preserve human life and not dying from carbon monoxide exposure.

I have left, several, obvious hints that I would like to own a particular item. However, one unyielding mother (and a reneging father) seem to be standing in my way. This item, let us refer to it as Bappy, has already been manufactured, so your humans of diminished statures (or midget slaves) needn’t do any work. Now, Santa, before I continue, I must mention that I was promised Bappy in August. AUGUST! I know, a monstrosity and a violation of trust. Hear that, Dad? Two offences. Maybe I should sue for emotional distress… Anyway, I am off topic. It seems that Bappy has still not arrived and I am hoping that December is my providential month. I have previously mentioned two figures that are currently stopping me from achieving my goal. I shall now complain about their decisions.

The Father

I shall keep this complaint very brief. He does not seem to understand that when you promise somebody something, you then have to give it to them; it is a non-optional social convention. It is also not appropriate to then say, “I am thinking of buying a Bappy for myself…” when a Bappy advert comes on, in front of the person who is not allowed a Bappy. STOP.

The Mother

Here is where the real problem lies. Mother, let us have a one-on-one here. The laptop that I currently use for my homework and entertainment is, and let’s face it, not very good, at all. I had picked out Bappy, as it is considerably better, for my own personal use. However, you think that I should have this awful laptop while you have the all-singing, all-dancing, fancy new laptop when the time comes. I do not like this decision. I hate it. I loathe it. It repulses me. Santa, I have tried to explain, several times, that it is better to solve the problem before there is one, is it not? My Mother and Father do not seem to agree with this perfectly logical conclusion but I would like you to help them. You see, every time I try to explain this simple concept, I am always interrupted and it would be nice for it not to go ignored, this time.

Santa, Bappy is very important. It is important as a work station and an entertainment system (but more of a work station). I am not going to go on about the importance of me possessing such an item. But I will say this. I have found an article where educators (educators with an s, plural, more than one, 2700 to be precise) claim all students should have laptops. I will not divulge into the content but I would like to point out that I am, in fact, a student and Bappy is, in fact, a laptop. Nuff said.

To conclude, I would like a Bappy very much. It would help in a lot of areas and, yes, it is quite costly but I am willing to make some small sacrifices for it. There are some issues but nothing that can’t be worked out eventually. If I cannot get Bappy/£300, then this was an incomprehensible waste of time but if I can, I would be tremendously appreciative.

Yours sincerely, Me

PS. This does not mean that I do not still think that you are just a cheap justification for parents who want their offspring to behave.

PPS. Before you make any rash decisions, i.e. saying no, I would like to point out my good grades. Thank You.