4/19/17

1

Presenter: Barbara Melton, M.Ed., LPC

There are many types of losses, but the hardest loss seems to involve the loss of a loved one.

Whether expected or unexpected, whether the loved one

was young or old, it rocks that person’s world. Today we are going to look at the process of grief and

loss as it pertains to losing a loved one, and how to cope with it -- or help others who are suffering from a loss, including children who are grieving.

We will even discuss loss experienced by persons whose

pets were like children to them.

No one really ‘gets over’ a loss, but he/she can heal and learn to live with a loss and/or live without the deceased. Processing the loss is vital to the health of the person suffering the loss. Grief affects survivors physically, mentally/emotionally, socially and spiritually. Expressing grief and feeling the pain that accompanies a loss, whether publicly or privately, aids the healing process.

4/19/17

2

Grief is the emotional response to a loss; mourning is the outward, social expression of a loss. Bereavement includes both – the inner feelings and outwards reactions of the survivor.

How one outwardly expresses a loss may be

dictated by cultural norms, customs and practices including rituals and traditions. Some are emotional/verbal in their expression of loss; others are more stoic and conservative.

Loss due to old age, health complications (other than malpractice), unavoidable accidents, disease or natural disasters, while just as devastating with regard to the impact of the loss, have a different perception than a loss caused by violence or another senseless act perpetrated by one or more person(s). Those are even harder to accept.

4/19/17

3

Feelings are often complicated by legal actions which can be drawn out for years, not allowing those left behind to heal, knowing that the details of the death will be analyzed and examined and discussed. This is certainly the case where a person is murdered or is killed by a seemingly avoidable accident (wrong place/wrong time, automobile accident, including those involving DUI, accidents caused by negligence, etc.)

Another particularly difficult loss to process is when the loved one took his/her own life. Often those left behind feel guilt at either not knowing their loved one was so troubled, or feeling like they should have known or should have done something to prevent it.

Just because a loved one chose a career that involved risk doesn’t make it any easier to accept when they have been killed in the line of duty. Military, police, and firefighters lose their lives every day, and it too is a tragic loss and has to be processed by those they left behind.

4/19/17

4

The greatest insult to nature is the loss of a child. No parent expects to outlive their child, and losing a child is the hardest thing any parent can experience. It is not expected that a person losing a child can just ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’. The child will always be an integral part of who they are. Even a child who is stillborn or died shortly after birth was a part of that family.

This is grief experienced when the survivor feels they cannot openly acknowledge the loss of their loved one. This often involves perceived judgment. Examples would include the parents or spouse of a person who committed a crime and then was killed during that crime (as in a DUI, or executed); the loss incurred by a terminated pregnancy; the loss of a pet; or even a miscarriage when no one knew the person was pregnant.

Pets are sometimes just as important to a person as a child. It is important not to belittle the impact such a loss can have on someone. That pet was a special family member. A lack of understanding can cause a person experiencing this type of loss to feel isolated/alone.

4/19/17

5

From On Death & Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Everyone moves at their own pace. While there are various models that depict the stages of grief, none of them are necessary linear – meaning that you will not always experience the stages in the order they are listed (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Throughout these stages, one may have feelings of fear, despair, disorganization, guilt and anxiety, as well as adrenaline surges.

People often get ‘stuck’ in one stage or another –

and even return to them periodically.

4/19/17

6

There is no ‘right’ way to grieve, and you can’t just keep yourself busy to keep from experiencing grief. It will wait on you! There is no schedule or timetable to measure it by, and everyone has to go at their own pace.

Sometimes the person who has to bear up and take

care of everyone else, or tend to all the arrangements, will basically postpone their grief process. It may delay the experience of grief to a time when one has the ‘luxury’ of grieving. They – and others – may be surprised that well after the actual loss occurs the person is so adversely affected.

Grief can be triggered by a sight, sound, smell, touch or even taste. A tv show, a song, the smell of a certain cologne, etc all have the potential of invoking a memory of the loved one.

It is also common for people to re-experience some or all of the stages of grief around the anniversary of the loss, so it is important to be prepared for that as well.

4/19/17

7

In this first stage of grief, the loss is not acknowledged. It is unbelievable, unacceptable – perhaps even a mistake. The person may even be numb or in shock and unable to respond to the loss.

People are often flooded with anger over the loss for various reasons:

}  Anger at the world -- Life is unfair; you’ve already had your share of hardships – why me?

}  Anger at God for letting this happen }  Anger at identifiable person who is perceived to

have caused the loss }  Anger at negligence that caused the loss (medical

staff; road conditions, etc) }  Anger at the loved one for leaving you behind }  Anger at yourself / Guilt

Often people in this stage are caught up in “what if” and “if only” thinking, often involving self-blame.

4/19/17

8

Even though it is normal to experience

depression after the loss of a loved one, it can be intense and painful. Survivors might experience problems with concentration, difficulty with appetite and fatigue/sleep disruption feeling hopeless and sad, and various physical problems. They often feel they can’t go on and want to just give up.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that one is necessarily whole again, or happy, but this stage is more about getting through the anger and depression and accepting the loss and the emotional toll it has taken. It involves recognizing one’s own limitations and the reality of what has happened and adjustment to life’s changes.

4/19/17

9

}  Allow the child to talk; listen }  Don’t assume kids understand death the

same way or have the same feelings as adults }  Don’t press kids to resume ‘normal’

activities without the chance to deal w/their emotional pain

}  Tell the truth (within reason) to kids about what happened to their loved one – give info at the level they can understand/process. Loss and death are part of the cycle of life that children need to understand.

}  Let children know you really want to understand what they are feeling or what they need.

}  Let them grieve at their own pace. }  Give them as much love, security and

attention as possible.

4/19/17

10

Infants/Toddlers: Perceive adults are sad but have no real understanding of the meaning of death.

Preschoolers: May deny death or see it as reversible; they may interpret death as a separation, but not something permanent.

Early Elementary School (5-9yo): Although at this age they do start to comprehend the finality of death, death is perceived as something that happens to others.

}  Middle School: They understand death as a final event and can experience a variety of feelings and emotions. Their expressions may include acting out or self-injurious behaviors.

}  High School: Teens may seek out friends and family for comfort or may withdraw to deal with their grief.

Excerpted from Helping Children Deal with Loss, Death and Grief –

Tips for Teachers and Parents by National Assn of School Psychologists (2003)

4/19/17

11

There are various ways a person can attempt to cope with their grief. This would involve taking steps towards constructively dealing with the pain. It also requires confronting and trying to ease the emotional, physical and spiritual scars. It helps to take steps to make life in the present as fulfilling and meaningful as possible. And one must be willing to try to accept, rather than deny or fight, the limitations the loss has crated.

Excerpted from I Can’t Get Over It

}  Give yourself time and space (literally) to grieve. Set aside some time to reflect in a place that is safe/comfortable to do so. Allow yourself to cry and even scream if it will help get those feelings out.

}  Journaling about feelings might be helpful }  Plant a tree or create a memorial garden }  Create a piece of art, a song, or other tribute to your

loved one }  Use positive self-talk }  Try to eat, rest and exercise – even if it’s hard }  Allow others to be there for you; this could take the

form of family/friends/support groups/therapy

}  Offer to make calls for them }  Help put together a montage of pictures of the

deceased for the service }  Attending/facilitating Memorial Service/

Funeral }  Offering transportation to services, funeral

home, etc. }  Delivering food to the home

4/19/17

12

}  Sending a prayer/mass card }  Planting a Tree in their honor }  Donating to a Relevant Cause }  Sending a card and/or a

personal note }  Share stories about their

loved one }  Suggest resources – like support groups/therapy;

Grief camps for kids }  Don’t say “I know how you

feel” or “It was God’s will.” }  Do say “I’m sorry for your

loss.”

}  Genuine offer of help, especially after everyone has left – even a visit; maybe helping them sort through belongings; going to Probate Court with them to settle estate; helping them fill out paperwork for life insurance or estate matters; helping write thank you notes for flowers, etc.

}  Allow the person to talk about their loved one

}  Just BE there; your physical presence is a gift; even if you don’t know what to say, squeezing their hand is a communication of sympathy

4/19/17

13

4/19/17

14

}  Attending/Facilitating Private Ritual (scattering ashes, balloon or butterfly release, etc.)

4/19/17

15

}  Depression for Dummies by Laura Smith, et al (2003)

}  Healing the Bereaved Child by Alan Wolfelt (1996)

}  I Can’t Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors by Aphrodite Matsakis(1992)

}  On Death & Dying by Elisabeth Kubler Ross (1997)

We hope you have gotten some helpful tips on how to process your own grief, or help those you care about process theirs. And please keep in mind that everyone’s grief is unique and to be respected.

Barbara Melton, M.Ed. LPC