Volume VII, Issue I

SPRING 2014

Terror on the NetPART I OF A TWO-PART SERIESAs personal information becomes easier to access, the Internet offers a virtual playground for those bent on creating fear and destruction.

Bettye, a retired fine artist living in Oklahoma City, recalls a Sunday church service in the early 90s when an unfamiliar face approached her after closing prayer.

“The woman introduced herself as the photographer who had taken photos of our choir performing a few weeks before,” Bettye explains. “She asked if she could email the photos to me for final selection in our church directory.”

Like many older Americans then, Bettye didn’t own a computer so she offered to give the woman her home mailing address—unlisted information in the phone book at the time.

“The photographer said, ‘Don’t worry about it. I’ll look you up online,’” Bettye says. “I was flabbergasted. I had never even been on the Internet. Why would my address be listed?”

In short order, Bettye visited a friend she terms “computer savvy” to learn more about the online world.

“It sounds silly now but I couldn’t believe the amount of information I saw on my husband and me that we had worked so hard not to advertise,” she says. “That’s when I realized any expectation of privacy we use to enjoy was long gone.”

The New Age of CyberstalkingAccording to cyberstalking expert Alexis A. Moore, founder of the national advocacy group Survivors in Action, cyberstalking is such a relatively new phenomenon that law enforcement has yet to broadly define it.

Threatening emails and text messages, false posts on social network sites, online bullying, and financial theft are just a few ways cyberstalkers can unleash an anonymous reign of terror with little fear of reprisal. What’s more, the Internet provides cheap, easy tools that can aid them in destroying the lives of their victims.

“Individuals can be cyberstalked for the most minor reasons by people they’ve angered in the past,” Moore writes. “Victims can be targeted because they dumped a guy after dating less than a month, fired an employee, were part of a business deal gone wrong, or parked in the wrong parking spot.”

For those who have left a domestic violence situation, however, the Internet offers a virtual gateway for abusers to continue their scare tactics online. In what may be the most highly publicized accounts of cyberstalking, domestic violence survivor Susan Zarriello continues to experience the long-lasting effects of her ex-husband’s wrath.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

THE VILLA VOICE

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Married to MadnessFifteen years after Susan Zarriello divorced her abusive husband David, she was living the life she had always imagined. Now remarried, she headed up her own graphic design firm in Severna Park, Maryland.

“One day out of the blue I got a call from my sister Jennifer,” Susan says. “I think my heart stopped right then and there.”

The date was June 12, 2006. In a shaky voice, Jennifer told Susan she’d received a phone call from David, who announced he planned to “reclaim” his wife.

“He developed dozens of websites using my name and posting the vilest information you can imagine,” Susan says.

One website featured a counter that marked the days Susan had left to live. Still another described in morbid detail specific parts of Susan’s body that would need to be replaced after David reclaimed his wife. Even more disturbing, David recorded podcasts on many of the sites, giving the eulogy at her funeral.

Susan approached local police for help but quickly learned that David’s ramblings and veiled online threats were protected under his First Amendment right to free speech. “As long as he wasn’t threatening my life there was nothing the police could do.”

For three years David continued his campaign to terrorize Susan on the Internet. Then one day Susan noticed an alarming change in his messages about her. “He was no longer talking about me,” Susan says. “He was now talking to me.”

In part two of Terror on the Net, we’ll take a closer look at preventive measures to guard against cyberstalking and what you can do to protect yourself online.

CYBERSTALKING CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

What triggers a stalker’s behavior to terrorize? How do they choose their victims? Are all stalkers someone the victim knows?

The Villa Voice asked Dr. Kelly A. James, a Tulsa therapist who works with victims of trauma, to describe the thought processes of a stalker and explain why creating fear is a means to the end of total possession.

VV: Are stalkers by their nature always someone we know?

KJ: Not always. There are a number of stalkers who don’t know the person they are stalking or have met them only briefly. Thoughts about self and the person are convoluted in the stalker’s mind, believing that the person is the answer to everything in the stalker’s life.

VV: So what is going on in the mind of a stalker? Describe his or her personality.

KJ: We know that the majority of stalkers are male. He is friendly, kind and nice at the beginning of the relationship. All of these behaviors are a mask hiding the real person. The stalking begins when the relationship is in trouble or ending. The stalker feels rejected, threatened, and believes he has been insulted. He then seeks vindication for the hurt and wounds.

VV: There are different kinds of stalkers, correct?

KJ: Yes. The predatory stalker is the stalker who seeks control, violence and sexual gratification. He will plan and rehearse the attack of the person who is being stalked. The rejected and predatory stalkers are the most dangerous. An erotomanic stalker is one who has delusions of sexual intimacy and love with the victim. They have fantasized an entire relationship with the victim, expecting reciprocation. When the affection is not returned, the stalker uses intimidation and threatening behaviors.

Still other stalkers have a mental illness and may be delusional such as a narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, or comorbid diagnoses, in addition to low self-esteem. They often seek to stalk a person of a social status above his own.

VV: How does stalking relate to domestic violence?

KJ: Intimate partner stalking is considered the worst type and most dangerous. The stalker becomes consumed with the thoughts of losing control and power and that, ‘If I can’t have her, no one will have her,’ propelling the stalker into using extreme methods to regain control. The stalker believes that the victim is a possession belonging only to them and they will stop at nothing to reclaim that possession.

Inside the Mind of a Stalker

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P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

In the 1944 film Gas Light, Charles Boyer embarks on a well-crafted mission to drive his wife certifiably insane. What begins as planting the seeds of self-doubt in an otherwise mentally healthy woman soon turns into a diabolical campaign to have her institutionalized: A missing painting on the wall that never existed. A lost watch found in a handbag. The strange dimming of lights in the house. Footsteps in the attic.

Dr. Robyn Stern, author of The Gaslighting Effect, explains that this extreme form of emotional and mental abuse is actually quite common. “Gaslighting can occur between any two people in any walk of life if the intention is there,” she says. “It may start with a series of subtle mind games that intentionally preys on the gaslightee’s limited ability to tolerate ambiguity or uncertainty. This is done to undercut the victim’s trust in their own sense of reality or sense of self, thus resulting in confusion and perplexity by the victim.”

At age 36, Kelly James was married to a highly successful business executive in Arkansas. With two small children, she juggled roles as wife, mother and college student as she worked to finish her bachelor’s degree in psychology. But Kelly suspected her husband of having an affair. When she confronted

him with her suspicions, he twisted her accusation into a bizarre finger point of his own.

“He said, ’I don’t love you anymore. You’re not nice,’” Kelly recalls. “He kept repeating that, over and over. That was the start of my year of hell—in hindsight, my insanity. I had always been a strong person, bold, determined and sure of myself. But in that very moment, all those qualities seemed to float away. The next 11 months were dark and devastating, leaving me with the belief that I was crazy.”

Kelly’s husband soon accused her of having an affair, of mistreating the children, and intentionally trying to harm his career. He accused her of stealing his money and having a boyfriend.

“The distortion of reality started slowly, with small things in what I believe was his preparation for making me feel crazy as the accusations became more relevant,” Kelly says. “Was I truly not seeing things correctly? Was what I saw that led me to believe he was having an affair not true? The contradictions, denials, mistakes, misunderstandings, lies and deceit became grandiose.”

One such incident followed an AIDS/STD screening Kelly had due to her husband’s infidelities. “I didn’t know who or how many women he was

sleeping with,” she says. “But he knew I’d had the test. I discovered that he had put a recording device on the phone to track my movements and had been for months.”

When she admitted having the test, Kelly watched as her husband suddenly crumbled in grief. “He began crying, accusing me of destroying the family by bringing disease into the home, giving him a disease and killing him. Looking back, it was quite the performance.”

With her divorce final and long behind her, Kelly has transitioned out of what she terms a “functional depression” into a happy, successful doctor who works to help others in abusive situations. As a therapist, Kelly James brings first-hand experience of emotional and mental abuse to her work and a cautionary tale of intimate partners who wear secret faces.

“I had respected and admired my husband,” Kelly says in retrospect. “He came from what appeared to be a great Christian family. I didn’t come from that kind of family, so I must be the problem. I must be wrong. He has to be right and I was insane. Not so.”

The Gaslighting Effect

The Villa Voice is growing its editorial resource team to include local experts in the medical, legal, technology and law enforcement areas that can offer commentary and professional insight on the news that affects our readers throughout Oklahoma.

Kelly A. James, Ph.D., is a licensed professional therapist with a full-time practice in Tulsa who works with a variety of clientele including children, adolescents, individual adults and families. She

specializes in providing counseling to those who have experienced trauma and children with challenging behaviors, including anger, ADHD, opposition and defiance. She also offers parenting skills training.

James serves as an adjunct professor at Oral Roberts University and Southern Nazarene University where she teaches a variety of classes in the graduate counseling programs.

Dr. Kelly James Joins Villa Voice Editorial Team

Kelly A. James, Ph.D.

THE VILLA VOICE

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DaySpring Villa Participates in National Domestic Violence CensusThe National Network to End Domestic Violence conducted its eighth annual census on September 17, 2013 to assess the size and scope of domestic violence over one 24-hour period selected at random. Information was collected from 1,649 out of 1,905 domestic violence programs in the United States, or roughly 87 percent, including DaySpring Villa which participated in this census.

Ashley Pullman, a 30-year-old Tulsa felon who served time for assaulting two women in 2002 and 2003, enjoyed social networking on the Internet where he met numerous women on his Facebook site.

But Pullman didn’t use his real name and photo to attract women friends. Instead, he chose the alias Corey Davis and posted a fake photo of an attractive male model, claiming to have just moved to Tulsa from California.

A short time later, Pullman aka Davis invited his new cyber female friends to meet in person at the home he was sharing with his “cousin,” who in reality was Ashley Pullman. At least three women agreed. Police would later say they believe there could be more victims who haven’t come forward.

Once at his home, the women were met by Pullman who told them Corey would be right back. In interviews with detectives, the women described how they were offered shots of vodka while waiting for Corey. Two quickly lost consciousness; the other was unable to move or talk. All three were sexually assaulted.

Ashley Pullman was arrested in early March. His bail was set at $150,000.

The Stranger You Friend Online

• 66,581 adults and children were assisted with shelter, transitional housing and advocacy.

• More than 20,000 calls to domestic violence hotlines were answered, an average of more than 14 every minute.

• More than 23,000 individuals were educated on domestic violence during training conducted by local programs.

• 9,641 requests for help were turned down due to lack of government funding, shelter space, staff reductions and professional assistance.

During the year:• 1,700 staff positions were eliminated across the country.

• 94 shelters reduced or eliminated transportation services.

• 69 cut back on legal representation.

• $20 million was cut from government funding under sequestration.

To view the full report, visit www.nnedv.org.

Nationwide:

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P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

DaySpring Villa Participates in National Domestic Violence CensusThe National Network to End Domestic Violence conducted its eighth annual census on September 17, 2013 to assess the size and scope of domestic violence over one 24-hour period selected at random. Information was collected from 1,649 out of 1,905 domestic violence programs in the United States, or roughly 87 percent, including DaySpring Villa which participated in this census.

• 516 domestic violence victims (290 adults and 226 children) found refuge in emergency shelters or transitional housing.

• 193 hotline calls were answered, an average of eight calls per hour.

• 137 individuals in communities across Oklahoma attended 30 training sessions conducted by domestic violence programs.

• 45 requests for help went unmet due to lack of resources and funding.

• 66,581 adults and children were assisted with shelter, transitional housing and advocacy.

• More than 20,000 calls to domestic violence hotlines were answered, an average of more than 14 every minute.

• More than 23,000 individuals were educated on domestic violence during training conducted by local programs.

• 9,641 requests for help were turned down due to lack of government funding, shelter space, staff reductions and professional assistance.

During the year:• 1,700 staff positions were eliminated across the country.

• 94 shelters reduced or eliminated transportation services.

• 69 cut back on legal representation.

• $20 million was cut from government funding under sequestration.

In Oklahoma:

THE VILLA VOICE

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Today I was reminded why I volunteer at DaySpring Villa. I do a bit of everything except cook (they don’t let me in the kitchen), but my main job is to sort incoming donations. We receive everything from shoes to clothing to household items to computer parts to garage sale leftovers.

I love what I do—mostly. It can get overwhelming at times, and every now and then I want to quit because it seems there is just no way I will catch up. Then days like today happen.

At DaySpring Villa, we strive to meet all of our guests’ needs: physically, emotionally, spiritually, medically, and so on. Some of our guests need food. Many need sleep. Some need clothes. Others just need to cry and know they are finally safe. Some of them arrive with little more than the clothes on their backs. Maybe they managed to bring baby formula with them; maybe they didn’t. Maybe they have a hairbrush; maybe they don’t. Maybe they got out the door with a pair of matching shoes; maybe they didn’t. We had a guest arrive this week who said, “The shoes I’m wearing don’t even match.” We found her some shoes.

I ran into a new guest in the hall today with her two children. The little one was asleep in a stroller, which had sat empty in our hall the day before, waiting for someone to need it. The little one was

wearing an outfit I recognized from our baby room. I was glad she had found him something warm and cozy. I asked her if there was anything specific she needed for him or her other child. She responded, “No, not that I can think of. We are so use to doing without that I don’t even know what we need.” I assured her that we would have plenty of opportunity to shop in our storeroom and we would see that she received anything she needed. If we didn’t have it, God would send it soon.

Then I met another guest and her three children. They all found coats in the storeroom. Later, I took some laundry baskets that had been donated and gave them to the new guests. I have never seen someone’s eyes light up over a laundry basket. But this woman’s eyes did.

As I left that day, I saw another new guest arriving with several children and wondered about their story. A man in a truck helped her unload things: a collapsing laundry basket, an old suitcase, and a few other assorted bags or containers holding their belongings. He can’t be her abuser, I thought. Maybe he’s her dad. He picked up one of the kids and gave him a big hug. Grandpa? The woman came back outside carrying anther child to see the man before he left. I

wondered if he was crying over having to leave her and the kids there, or if he was relieved that they were finally safe.

So these are the reasons I volunteer. Because people need shoes. Because babies need formula and warm blankets. Because students need supplies to go to school. Because sometimes, just knowing that someone cares enough to get you something you need can give you enough hope to keep going. But most of all, I do what I do because God has called me. He has equipped me for this, and so far He hasn’t told me to stop.

This Is the Reason I VolunteerBY AMY EARLEY

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P.O. Box 1588 | Sand Springs, OK 74063 | 918.245.4075 | DaySpringVilla.com

Memorials & HonorariumsIn Memory of Lucille Hayden Mr. & Mrs. J. Fred Smith

In Memory of my Wife Dorothy J. Plummer Wendell D. Plummer

In Memory of Vic Rice Anna Lee Walker

In Memory of Floyd Nance Jim & Nora Cook Wilma Lively

In Memory of Virginia Whaley Westport Baptist Church Choir

In Memory of Pamela Liles Taylor - Bonita Watts sister Judy Pridgin Erma Lynn Loretta Hicks Mays Betty Cox Weiler

In Memory of Cindy Merideth Cheryl L. Baber

In Memory of Charles O’Rear Alan & Jo Ratliff

In Memory of Jean Baldwin Pam & Kay Bayer

In Memory of Jack & Margie Rhodes Ronald & Mary Walters

In Honor of Peggy Lowery James E. & Shirley N. Jenkins, Jr.

In Memory of Cooper Sala Leslie Sala

In Memory of my son Lee Lair Marian Rose Lair

In Memory of Steve Haynie Betty J. Haynie

In Memory of Bill Brown Rod & Kim Stauffer

In Memory of the Following: Jenny DuCharme O’Neal Taylor Geneva Beshears Jack Killough Dan Minton Claude Brawner Jr. Jim & Jane Pitchford Cheryl Utley Bud Immel Dorothy Turner Bea Cox Ken McClanahan Laura Beene From: Penny White Plaster

In Memory of the Following Cag Johnson Norma Graham Walter Williams Glenn Brock Lewis Brown Mom-Annabelle Warren Baber Rick Coutant Ann Voris Janice Payne Cindy Johnson Philip Murta Jim Caudle Marcello Zuniga Larry Kindle Jim Thompson Iris Perry Debbie Ravenscroft From: Bill & Penny Plaster

In Memory of Alice Spears Linda L. Curtis

In Memory of Gary Jackson Linda L. Curtis

In Memory of my Mother Dorothy Plummer Patty Plummer Eck

In Memory of Bea Alexander Michael P. & Jill Minihan

In Memory of Charlie Gist’s February 15 Birthday B. Gail Crist

In Memory of Rowena Gist January 8th Birthday B. Gail Crist

In Memory of Ruby Campbell’s February 5th Birthday Debbie & Clyde Harding

In Memory of J.C. White Hannah Beene-Lowder Cozette Beene Vaught Memorial Jr. High Courtesy Club Kevin C. & Dell A. Coutant

In Memory of Louise Lile Joyous Sunday School of Memorial Baptist Church

In Memory of Joyce Walker Linda L. Curtis

In Honor of the Birth of Jesus Clyde & Debbie Harding

In Honor of my granddaughter Jordan Ashley’s 12th Birthday Wilma Lively

In Honor of Jan Tabrizi Brenda F. Eynon

In Honor of Debbie Harding Birthday Clyde Harding

In Honor of my Grandfather John Nikkel Rebecca Nikkel

In Honor of our Granddaughter Madison’s 19th Birthday Clyde & Debbie J. Harding

In Honor of Evelyn Cline Don Roe

In Honor of our children Mary, Richard & Corey Miller Michael & Elaine M. Miller

In Honor of Ron Lundin Dave & Linda Ivins

In Honor of the Ministerial Staff of First Baptist Church, Tulsa Jim & Nora Cook

In Honor of the following: Eric Costanzo Mr. & Mrs. Larry Merideth Andy Merideth Jarene Robison From: Tennie Bright

In Honor of Jarene Robison Robert O. & Ellen P. Langland

In Honor of the following: Dwight Holdman Ginger Bunnel Connie Hamilton Mackenzie Chesbro Shirley Rose Carolyn McDonald E.O. & Wilma Sumner David & Bobbi Sanders Julie Donelson From: Bill & Penny Plaster

DaySpring Villa Improves Communications DeliveryMore Ways to Connect with DSV

DaySpring Villa has enhanced the way we offer The Villa Voice and deliver breaking news.

• You can now visit our website to view the newsletter in a new mobile-friendly format.

• Receive DaySpring Villa email by submitting your email address via our sign-up form to stay up to date with news, stories, needs and volunteer opportunities.

• You can also opt-in to receive Angel Alert texts when the shelter has urgent needs like diapers, formula and toilet paper by adding your mobile number.

Simply visit www.DaySpringVilla.com. Click on the green Connect with DaySpring Villa button in the left sidebar. It’s on every page of the website.

Or you can scan here

OUR MISSION IS TRANSFORMING LIVES.DaySpring Villa is Oklahoma’s first certified faith-based shelter for domestic violence victims and adult victims of human sex trafficking. Since 1995, we’ve transformed the lives of more than 6,450 women and children in crisis. Through goals-based programs, spiritual guidance, human compassion, and open hearts and minds, DaySpring Villa turns victims into vibrant survivors. As a non-profit organization, DaySpring Villa receives no United Way or government funding, so our ability to provide these women and children with protective shelter, basic needs, and professional ser-vices relies on financial gifts from caring individuals, corporations, foundations, and churches of every denomination.

Board of Directors

Nora Cook, PresidentDes BennettBill CoodySue FreemanEd HicksEd LunaRon LundinJohn NikkelScott PalmerJarene RobisonPhyllis Zimmerman-WadeJudy White

DaySpring Villa is a not-for-profit 501(c)(3) organization

918.245.4075 DaySpringVilla.com

Follow us on Facebookwww.facebook.com/dayspringvilla

InsideTerror on the Net (Part I) 1

Inside the Mind of a Stalker 2

The Gaslighting Effect 3

Dr. Kelly James Joins The Villa Voice 3

The Stranger You Friend Online 4

DSV Participates in National Domestic Violence Census 4

This Is the Reason I Volunteer 6

Memorials and Honorariums 7

DSV Improves Communications Delivery 8

2013 Annual Report Now Available Online 8

2013 Annual Report Now Available OnlineVisit www.DaySpringVilla.com and click on the News tab to review our 2013 annual report Breaking the Cycle and learn more about us.