danger to the manifold
TRANSCRIPT
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New Years Eve has come and gone, but careers don’t wait! Clementine the Career Sim gets up at six, puts on some
horrid clothes and is off. Hayden has a lie-in before going to work.
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Looking like this.
Wow.
We need to get him up the career ladder fast.
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Rookie. Fine, that’ll do.
Just… no more mascot costume please.
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Oh, good, a silver badge. Neat.
I JUST WANTED SOME FREE TOMATOES!!!
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Clementine, NO! Bad Clementine! Bad!
This is how Romance Sims get a bad rap, throwing themselves at passers-by. Thank Jebus Hayden didn’t see. This
legacy would be over before the second generation.
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Okay, so that’s got me spooked. Let’s get started on the babies quick.
I was hoping to get Clementine to lifetime platinum first, but I can’t risk her mucking up my carefully laid plans with her
slutty ways.
And she looked like such a classy lady too…
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Seriously, why would anyone cheat on a man who can do that?
*filthy implication goes here*
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Then again…
That’s the problem with these sporty types. All muscle, no manners. I can relate.
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Neat. Finally we have some money coming in!
I’m sick of having them pee in a bucket in the yard.
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Christ, but these hobby Sims are creepy. Who does that? Who barges into someone’s house to invite them to their
creepy-ass club?
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GAH! Get out of my house!
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Well, there’s some good news at last.
Poor Clementine.
No, wait, poor me! I’m going to be watching a lot of this, aren’t I?
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Well, preggers or not, art don’t wait! I want a portrait for the legacy paintings anyway.
That looks pretty good, actually.
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Nice.
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Oh good, a chance card. I love these.
Goodie…
I IZ WINRAR!
Cool indeed.
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Don’t you hate it when that happens? You’re talking to your neighbor when all of a sudden BAM! Pregnant.
That dude must be shitting himself right about now.
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You know, that probably isn’t safe for the pregnant lady folk.
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Another one? Alright then.
Shoe company…
Hm…
Yeah, that doesn’t sound dodgy at
all.
Oh, jesus!
I think Hayden’s just been recruited by Al-Qaeda.
That’s just great.
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They gave him a promotion for that!?!?
Who is he playing for, Clan United?
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Oh, that’s nice. Yeah, you soak yourself pruny, Hayden. The pregnant lady’s fine with a sponge bath.
I have a hunch most soccer wives are treated a little better than this.
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Oh, having a baby there? Sorry hun, your baby daddy’s having a nice soak, the portrait will have to do.
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What’s that? A doctor? Don’t be a pussy, you’ll be fine. Portrait Hayden isn’t being a pussy, is he?
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What the ho?
It’s twins. TWINS! Just perfect. It’s not like I have too little space in the house as it is.
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Aw, but that’s just cute.
So, the yellow one’s a boy and the green one’s a girl. I’ve named them Alexander and Trixibelle. Why? Because I am a
cruel, vengeful god, that’s why.
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And that’s generation 2.
I’ve gotten further than I thought I would!
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Damn that nanny. What am I supposed to do, have them quit their job just so they can prevent their children from dying
from neglect? Pff. Not likely.
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You know what, if the social worker were to show up now, I’d cheer her on.
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Not that these clowns are doing any better.
Sims make terrible parents.
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Recognize the Legacy Shack at all? I think it’s alright to call it a Legacy House now. Seeing as how there’s a second
generation and all.
Oh, and it’s a proper house now.
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Birthday! Whee!
Now if everyone can just get over how hot everyone else is, we can get the kids all grown up!
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That’s right, throw that baby! Throw it straight into adulthood!
And people give me shit for calling this blog Functionally Retarded…
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Aw, and there’s toddler Trixibelle. Daddy’s skin and mommy’s hair. Isn’t that just…
No, that’s horrible. That’ll be a makeover for you, little one.
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And there’s little Alexander. That’s pretty cute.
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And there’s the fruit of their pixilated loins. Not so bad. They’ve got those ugly mouth lines something fierce though.
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Is it… is it just me or does Trixibelle look sort of… evil?
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Alexander won’t do anything on his own but play with music toys. I think he’s inherited his mom’s artistic tendencies.
Thank god those artistic careers actually make money in this game. This legacy would be boned if they were realistic.
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Boomer is top dog!
And believe me, I haven’t shown you half the cruel and unusual chance cards the poor thing’s gotten.
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And that’s probably just what he needs after a long day of hunting frogs and getting his tail cut off.
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Hayden’s a Family Sim. He’s having a blast with these kids. But Clementine, well…
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Poor dear. She’s not cut out for the family life.
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Go on honey, you’ve deserved a night out clubbing.
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Oh yeah, this place is pumping!
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Ride that disco stick, Clemmy! Ride it like it ain’t no thang!
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And look who showed up! Watch it, Clementine. He’s tricked you before.
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NO!
God dammit Clementine, you WHORE!
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Wait a minute…
What sort of club is this?
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Well, if that’s the sort of moves she’s trying to impress him with, there’s nothing to worry about.
Then again, this is Alfie we’re talking about, so…
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Yeah… Never mind.
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And this electric hamster ball thing isn’t working out either.
This club sucks.
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What! No! What mod is this?
Clementine NO! For god’s sake, you’ve got babies at home!
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F**%&$#?@!!!
NO!!!
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There, back to our regularly scheduled PG-13 programming.
Ah, who am I kidding. I’m going to have to put up all sorts of warnings. Like, DANGER! PIXEL BEWBS! And HERE
THERE BE ICKY HOMERSEXUALS!!!
Thanks a lot, Clementine.
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Poor sod. If only he knew what his fiancée got up to behind his back.
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Yeah, she looks all innocent and cutesy, but the woman is a damn dirty whore!
She may have gotten away with it, but nothing will soothe her aching conscience now!
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…
Except maybe that.
Oh, by the way, this blog is rated R for pixel nudity and sexual hullabaloo and such. I probably should have mentioned that
earlier. Sorry.
If this has in any way upset or angered you, please send any and all hate mail to [email protected]
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Aw, look, it’s a cute baby!
Look at the cute baby! Stop writing swear words in the comment box and look at the cute baby!
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Huh.
Alright.
You know what, in light of recent events, it’s hard not to read too much into that.
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Well, we’ve finally got some harvest coming in. I’ll bet those juices will come in handy at some point.
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Time for the Garden Geeks to come and have a look, I think.
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Success!
A wishing well? That’s cool, I think. These things have a way of backfiring though.
Can you tell I haven’t actually been playing this game a lot?
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It’s just as well though. Hayden needs some friends for a promotion, so let’s give the well a whirl!
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Okay… Nothing weird there…
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OH JESUS!
What the hell are those things?
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That’s alright, Clementine. Don’t mind the steampunk robot on the couch, it’s just your fiancée’s new best friend.
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What’s that, new BFF? You’re taking the baby? Good luck trying to sell her!
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Seriously, let’s grow these kids up fast before anyone else tries to take them.
This is actually pretty exiting! Let’s see how Trixi turns out.
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Again with the horrible hair? Ugh. Let’s get you a make-over fast.
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And here goes Alexander!
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Not too shabby. Looks like I picked some decent seed.
MAN!
I mean a decent man. Obviously. Heh.
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I’m happy with that. Cute kids. I think I’ve got Trixibelle pegged as heir. She looks a lot less evil as a kid in any case.
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Whoops.
Spoke too soon.
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At least I can ship the kids off to school now. I should probably try and get them into private school.
Maybe later.
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First day of school, baby! It’s mommy and daddy time, and you know what that means! Oh yeah!
Bow-chicka-bow-
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… bow?
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Okay then.
Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
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Oh, sweet, I’ve got this one in the bag. The kid is a
musical genius, he’s got more creativity skill points
than you can wave a flautist at.
I think… trumpet.
Oh my.
That’s our Alexander, the one with the sweet, sweet lips.
Here’s to hoping he never goes to prison.
…
I apologize, that was filthy. Let’s get the kid a treat!
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Kids love sushi, right?
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What, another one? Alright then, I’m feeling lucky.
Give me your best shot, game!
WHAT!!!
You have got to be…
I don’t even have…
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God F**%&$#?@!!! DAMMIT!
Rub it in why don’t you!
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Seriously, fuck this noise. No more legacy for you.
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NEXT TIME ON FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED!
- Alfie is pleased about a statue
- Will there be sexy teens for your viewing pleasure?
- Will I make a Monty Python joke?
- And what has Gappy done now?
STAY TUNED!