Dadvice

  

40 simple, proven things to teach your children, from award-winning teacher, bestselling author

and exhausted father of four Stephen Lockyer

This edition published by Dadvice Family Books in 2015. Copyright © Stephen Lockyer All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright holders. Many thanks to all the brilliant role models who have shaped and influenced me as a father. Although this book is dedicated to Henry, Dylan, Daisy and Oscar, I’d also like to thank my own Mum and my children’s Mum for their impact on my fathering. It’s a gift which they both gave me and is incredibly precious. I have tried where possible to indicate the provenance of any ideas, but if you are able to help identify others for future editions, please do let me know. All of the ideas and techniques are given here from experience rather than as a professional, and constitute advice rather than a professional opinion. Thoughts/ ideas/ issues? Email mr.lockyer@gmail.com or find me on Twitter as @mrlockyer .

ISBN: 1514157225

Introduction

Before I had children, the best example of the Dad I wanted to be came from my friend Mark, who at that point had two children. One day in their garden, a Hot Air Balloon passed them slowly overhead. One of his children absent-mindedly said, “I wonder where it’s going,” and with that, they were off. Mark put them in the car and they chased the hot air balloon across East Sussex, catching up with it on its descent, and speaking to its passengers. I thought this was just brilliant and totally inspiring.

Then I had four children of my own. Children, it has to be said, are themselves brilliant and inspiring. They are also exhausting, indifferent at times, fickle, demanding and follow complex rules which are constantly changing and are often to be revealed rather than known first-hand.

This book shares some of the tips and tricks I’ve picked up, learned, stolen or developed over the past ten years. They worked for me; they may not work for you. This is certainly not an “I know

best” guide; more a sharing of experience handbook which will hopefully prompt ideas of your own to tackle the everyday situations which you previously thought impossible to find yourself in. I regularly fail as a father in all sorts of ways, but I do try, and this collection gives some examples of these efforts and failings (which I’ve named Dadmonitions). I’d love to hear what things you do to solve some of the problem situations posed in this book - please let me know at @mrlockyer. I should also add that I’m not a qualified financial advisor, Psychologist or GP, although I’ve probably administered around 10% of the world’s Calpol Reserves.

This is a quick reference guide for Dads, fathers, keen uncles and grandparents. Females are also welcome to read this book, but it may be assumed to be Looterature. Don’t forget to wash your hands.

 

Stephen Lockyer

May, 2015

 

    

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he

believed in me. - Jim Valvano

Poo on a potty

Lets get straight to the scatological - as a parent, you accept that the first five years will invariably be filled with actions and tales of wee, poo and sick. The most difficult transition of all has to be pooing on a potty. Children are by and large able to make the jump from weeing in a nappy to on a potty or toilet (ping-pong balls to aim for help boys no end especially), but the real challenge is a poo.

Think carefully about the physical change this entails - a poo in a warm enclosed space of a nappy, with the resistance the inside of a nappy provides, is entirely different to a freefall poo, which comes out and essentially disappears.

To create a halfway house, take a few sheets of toilet tissue and press this against the child’s bottom pre-poo. Create a form of resistance as they poo. It’s a far more familiar feeling and although messy, is a real encouragement.

Top tip

Build in a reward - marshmallows work well (one for a wee, two for a poo). Always have some with you, and NEVER run out.

 

Dadmonition One child had accidents three terms into starting school. Oops.

  

Complete homework The bane of many parent’s lives, and suggested by research to have no benefit whatsoever, homework is a regular battleground for all parties. We are all sickened by the child who pulls out their work and gets on with it with no fuss whatsoever. Damn them.

Homework is far more successfully led by carrot than stick. Build a genuine reward for completion in a reasonable time, ie ten minutes spent on homework equals 20 minutes on Minecraft. Work alongside your child, doing ‘work’ of your own. This exploits Spindle Theory (you work better alongside someone else also working), makes the time go faster, and avoids any procrastination on either of your parts.

For writing tasks, write the time at the start of each line written in pencil. This works as a brilliant incentive for most children, who respond to most competition against themselves well.

Pack up the homework and file it away for school as quickly as possible. Most children want a very

clear line between work and play (as do us adults), so make this a very visible ceremony.

Top tip

If there are tears, stop, have a break, and try again later; don’t persevere. The same goes if your child starts crying too.

 

Dadmonition One of mine does her homework every time, the loon.

 

Visit a museum

Visits to stately homes and museums are entirely different post children to pre children. This is totally understandable - how much joy do you get in walking along endless aisles in a DIY store for example? These poor children.

The trick is to find a hook of some sort for each room as soon as attention begins to wander. Ask them to find something which you spotted on entering, or count how many chairs there are, or work out how tall the people were who originally lived in this room, and how they know. Build dialogue with them, and encourage them to ask questions of the room guides (whose default setting seems to be ‘wary’ when it comes to children, perhaps understandably).

Many museums now provide children’s quizzes for a small cost. If taking more than one child, it is far more productive to get one and supplement the prizes at the end, with you filling in the answers.

 

Top Tip The most fun I’ve had in a gallery was when we went around clockwise, making up a story, with the pictures providing the plot.

 

Dadmonition We’ve set off the sensor alarms. Twice. One child also has commented loudly on Picasso’s obsession with boobs, just like his father (me that is, not Picasso’s father. I don’t know if he was a boob man or not).

 

Brush their teeth

Whichever idiot in Dentistry came up with the ‘three minute brushing’ rule clearly had no children, for whom thirty seconds is a looooooong time.

There are several strategies to employ to build in teeth time. Brushing with them, with the aim of trying to get the foamiest mouth possible works best for me, but I have also tried timers, counting, songs and bribes to varied success. For some reason, teeth brushing strategies seem to have not a huge amount of longevity, so if you are winning, relish it!

Plaque tablets appear to be less popular now, but given the right spin, these can be excellent at highlighting plaque and poor brushing techniques, while filling your mouth with a red foamy mess. Excellent fun for amateur special effects.

Top tip Toothpaste has a definite flavour - if your children say that the toothpaste is too ‘spicy,’ it probably is, and their resistance to brushing will increase. Change the paste.

 

Dadmonition Three minutes? Seriously? I’ve achieved that about three times.

  

Tie their laces

There are two techniques for this.

Learn either:

Take the two laces and tie a knot. Make a loop with the left hand lace. Wrap the other lace around this, then form a loop and place this through a small gap you have left in the other, hold on, no the other loop. Stop, you’ve just… no , that’s the right OH JUST STOP AND I’LL DO THEM.

or

Tie a knot. Make a loop with both laces. Tie a knot.

Top tip Laces keep coming undone? Wet the laces first, and double knot.

Dadmonition Velcro is a gift from the gods, and there is even greater satisfaction getting a needle and pulling detritus from velcro.

Well? What did you think?  

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