conversations on the go: clever questions to keep teens and grown-ups talking

GO

clever questions to keep teens and grown-ups talking

BYMARY ALICEACKERMAN? !

CONVERSATIONS ON THE“”

CONVERSATIONS ON THE GO:Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-Ups TalkingIf you could take lessons in anything, what would you learn? What is one of the best talksyou remember having with a family member? In what ways do you wish you had more freedom?

These are just a few of the creative questions you can ask to spark discus-sion with a teen in your life. Packed with great conversation starters, thisportable book is a surefire way to get teens and adults talking—in a car, atsports practice, or wherever they spend time together. Covering a range ofmeaningful and intriguing topics, it’s a perfect remedy for the tension,fear, and boredom that often put up walls between teens and adults. Bestof all, it’s easy, it’s fun, and it works.

Whether you are a parent, a youth program leader, a relative, amentor, or simply a caring family friend, you’ll find that these questionsare the answer!

a d o l e s c e n t s / r e l a t i o n s h i p s / p a r e n t i n g

$9.95

CO

NV

ER

SA

TIO

NS

ON

TH

E G

O ackerm

ansearch

institu

te

a s e a r c h i n s t i t u t e p u b l i c a t i o n


BYMARY ALICEACKERMAN

CONVERSATIONS ON THE GO

2

Conversations on the GoClever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-Ups Talking

Mary Alice AckermanCopyright © 2004 by Search Institute

The following are trademarks of SearchInstitute: Healthy Communities • HealthyYouth®, Search Institutesm, and DevelopmentalAssetstm.

All rights reserved. No parts of this publication may be reproduced in any manner, mechanical or electronic, without prior permission from the publisherexcept in brief quotations or summaries in articles or reviews, or as individual activity sheets for educational use only. For additional permission, write toPermissions at Search Institute.

ISBN: 1-57482-863-0

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1Printed on acid-free paper in the UnitedStates of America.

Search Institute615 First Avenue Northeast, Suite 125Minneapolis, MN 55413www.search-institute.org612-376-8955 • 800-888-7828

creditsEditor: Rebecca AldridgeDesign: Jeanne LeeProduction Coordinator: Mary Ellen Buscher

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ackerman, Mary Alice.Conversations on the go : clever questions tokeep teens and grown-ups talking / by Mary Alice Ackerman.

p. cm.ISBN 1-57482-863-0 (pbk. : alk. paper)1. Conversation. 2. Teenagers and adults. 3. Interpersonal relations in adolescence. I. Title.BJ2121.A55 2004649'.7--dc22 2004015239

about this bookSearch Institute’s Healthy Communities •Healthy Youth® initiative seeks to unite individuals, organizations, and their leadersto join together in nurturing competent, caring, and responsible children and adolescents. Lutheran Brotherhood, nowThrivent Financial for Lutherans, was the founding national sponsor for HealthyCommunities • Healthy Youth. ThriventFinancial for Lutherans Foundation has provided Search Institute with generous support.

support 5

Introduction

T A L K I N G A B O U T SUPPORT

T A L K I N G A B O U T EMPOWERMENT

T A L K I N G A B O U T BOUNDARIES AND EXPECTATIONS

T A L K I N G A B O U T CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME

T A L K I N G A B O U T COMMITMENT TO LEARNING

T A L K I N G A B O U T POSITIVE VALUES

T A L K I N G A B O U T SOCIAL COMPETENCIES

T A L K I N G A B O U T POSITIVE IDENTITY

About the Developmental Assets

C O N T E N T S

6

16

26

36

46

56

66

76

86

96

6 conversations on the go

Have you ever asked the teen in your life how school wasgoing only to get the response “Fine”? You may try againwith “So, what did you learn?” and the answer is“Nothing.” From there, the conversation goes even fur-ther downhill. If this is your experience, please know thatyou are not alone! Of course, a day in a teen’s life holdsmuch more than this exchange would lead us to believe.Asking a few interesting questions can sometimes bringout the stories that remain hidden.

This book gives all of us permission to ask someof the questions that open a window into the hearts andminds of young people and help us connect with them.

I N T R O D U C T I O N

Conversation is an art.Ralph Waldo Emerson

introduction 7

And we need to connect. According to data from SearchInstitute in Minneapolis, only 1 in 4 adolescents findsparents approachable and available to talk. Experts saythat developmentally responsive family environments arethose in which parents are aware of the joys and concernsof their children and are willing to engage in meaningful,open communication about those issues. The questionsin this book can provide the first step on a path towardopen communication between adults and teens.

How to Use This Book

You can use this book anytime, anyplace. Take it withyou in the car when driving to sports practice. Bring italong on the plane or car ride when taking a family vaca-tion. Leave the book nearby on the kitchen table to diginto and linger over during meals. Open it up during afamily meeting. Whisper questions and answers to eachother while waiting in a doctor’s office. Pull it out whileriding the bus. Share it with grandparents to help themstay on top of their grandchildren’s fast-changing lives. Ifyou’re a mentor or youth leader, use these questions toopen up better dialogues. Get creative and write in your


own questions. Encourage brothers and sisters to ask eachother the questions—hopefully within your earshot. Letthe young people in your life turn the tables and ask youthe questions!

There is no one right way to use this book. Idivided the book into the eight asset categories that makeup the Developmental Assets framework. (You can readmore about the Developmental Assets in the last chapterof this book. For now, just know that the more “assets”young people have, the more likely they are to engage inhealthy behaviors and the less likely they are to beinvolved in risky activities.) Start at the beginning withSupport and work your way through to Positive Identity,if you’d like. Or mix it up. For example, you might:

• Try finding a question that relates to something you are curious about and start there;

• Hand the book to the young person and let her or him choose a question she or he feels liketalking about; or

• Open the book and choose a question at random.

introduction 9

As I said, there isn’t just one right way to use this book.The object is to talk with each other and have some fun!

Getting over the Hurdles

Many adults find that talking with teens is “so hard,”maybe even “scary.” Is it that young people look differentthan we did at their age? Is it that teenagers are so busyasserting their independence that we believe they don’tneed or want us in their lives any more? Have we forgot-ten how important some adults were to us at their age?

This may surprise many adults, but the teenagersI talked with when writing this book actually said theywanted more connection with adults. These young peopleknow they look different, but they also believe they arenot so different inside. They hoped this book would giveadults permission to start conversations.

Adult friends who were not parents or whosechildren were long “out of the nest” had their own reac-tion. These adults felt very disconnected from young peo-ple. They felt there was no role for them with today’syouth. Some said they felt the only way to connect withyouth was through formal programs that were tough to fit


into their busy schedules. As we talked further, they real-ized that there were hidden opportunities for conversa-tions—with the neighbor’s child or with a niece ornephew who lives out of town, for example. It waseye-opening for them to hear that young people wouldwelcome more connection to the adults in their midst.

Since working in the field of adolescent develop-ment, I have become more courageous about starting con-versations with young people I don’t really know—youngpeople such as Matt, who bags groceries at my grocerystore, or the young girl, Shauna, who makes my lattés atthe coffee shop. I can tell by the smiles of recognitionwhen they see me coming that we are connected. Everycaring, responsible adult with whom young people con-nect makes them stronger. Really.

Begin making your own connections by tellingthe young person you are hoping to engage that youwould like to get to know her or him better. You can letthe young person know that you want to make more timeto simply talk. You may be surprised by how flattered heor she might feel. Making time for that person alonemeans a lot. The first few times you pick up this book,the conversations may feel a bit awkward or unnatural—

introduction 11

for both of you! But you will soon get over that firsthurdle and be well on your way to great conversations.

Tips for Making Conversation Work

KEEP IT GOING. It’s one thing to ask a question and sitback for the answer. It is another thing to really engage ina conversation. Asking follow-up questions or providingopen-ended responses are great ways to keep the conver-sation going. This list shares some old standbys:

“That’s interesting. Tell me more.”“You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you?” “Have you always thought this way?”“Are you saying . . . ?“Interesting. Have you thought about . . . ?”“What experience led you to feel this way?”

Please remember, the idea is not to debate an answer butto learn more. Acknowledging a young person’s opinionas valid, even if you don’t think it is “right,” showsrespect. As a result, you model tolerance and being non-judgmental. And you probably know this, but it’s worth a


reminder: belittling an answer or telling young peoplethey are “wrong” will make the next conversation prettytough to start.

CONVERSATION DOESN’T HAVE TO BE “HEAVY.” It isimportant to have conversations about subjects that mat-ter deeply, such as who are the most influential people ina young person’s life. It is also important to listen to whya young person likes a current fad, music star, or TV pro-gram. All conversations are meaningful when two peopleare truly engaged and interested in one another’s ques-tions and answers.

BE PREPARED FOR THE UNEXPECTED ANSWER. Youmay ask a question and get an answer you did not want orexpect. Remember, the object in asking these questions isto be engaged, not to prove a point or win an argumentor teach a lesson. If an answer bothers you (perhaps itdoesn’t reflect the values you hoped for), simply listenand ask more questions about why the young personthinks and feels that way. Suspend your own judgmentand let young people express their ideas and opinions.

support 17

What was your first memory

as a little child?

How would you work to end violence in schoolsif you had the authority to do it?

What is your favorite family tradition?


�What school activity do you most wish you could be a part of? What holds you back?

1 2 3Do you think it’s hard for young people andadults to

communicate? What could adultsand young people

do to improve communication?

Who are the three people

in your life you know you canalways count on?

Why did you choose them?

support 19

What is themost importantquality you look

for in a friend?

? ?What questions

would you like adults to ask you or your

friends?

How many nicknameshave you been

given? What is yourfavorite?


Which adults in your life have helped you becomewho you are? What did they do?

What two questions

do you have about your family history?

Are any parents of your

friends “cool”? What makes a parent “cool”?

2�

support 21

Do you have friends who are going through tough times or whose families are not supportive? What do you and your friends do to support them?

What’s the best advicean adult ever gaveyou? What’s the

worst?

What makes a neighborhood feel like a caring place?If you could make one change to make your neighborhood a more caring place to grow up, what would it be?

feel free to change any question.

’’

‘‘

GO


BYMARY ALICEACKERMAN? !

CONVERSATIONS ON THE“”

CONVERSATIONS ON THE GO:Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-Ups TalkingIf you could take lessons in anything, what would you learn? What is one of the best talksyou remember having with a family member? In what ways do you wish you had more freedom?

These are just a few of the creative questions you can ask to spark discus-sion with a teen in your life. Packed with great conversation starters, thisportable book is a surefire way to get teens and adults talking—in a car, atsports practice, or wherever they spend time together. Covering a range ofmeaningful and intriguing topics, it’s a perfect remedy for the tension,fear, and boredom that often put up walls between teens and adults. Bestof all, it’s easy, it’s fun, and it works.

Whether you are a parent, a youth program leader, a relative, amentor, or simply a caring family friend, you’ll find that these questionsare the answer!

a d o l e s c e n t s / r e l a t i o n s h i p s / p a r e n t i n g

$9.95

CO

NV

ER

SA

TIO

NS

ON

TH

E G

O ackerm

ansearch

institu

te

conversations on the go: clever questions to keep teens and grown-ups talking

Documents

r e n t i n g

n s t i t u t e p ub

t i o n s h i p s p

e s c e n t s r e

b o u t supportt

b o u t empowermentt

b o u t commitment

b o u t boundaries