Challenging Conversations

Communication & Perception

How many legs do you see?

Strive first to understand, then be understood

Everyone wants to heard and understood forwho they are. Each person wants to be

appreciated and valued.

When you listen, magic happens.Listening allows a leader to been seen as a servant, not parent, judge, or critic. Listening

builds others. Listening builds trust.

What are we really saying?Words

Tone Body Language

Communication is 7% about WHAT you say and 93% about WHO you say it to!

7%

55%38%

How do you think the communication pie is divided?

Definitioncom·mu·ni·ca·tion

• an act or instance of transmitting• a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system

of symbols, signs, or behavior

communication• c.1384, "to impart, share," lit. "to make common”

Model for Communication

Challenging ConversationsA discussion between two of more people when two or more people where:(1) stakes are high

(2) opinions vary, and

(3) emotions run strong

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T-Charts - ActivityWhat did I want to say? What did I really say?

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Leadership and Challenging Conversations

For a conversation to qualify as a “crucial conversation” it has to have an impact on

the quality of your life.

Does employeefeedback have an

impact on life?

Can it be touchy and sensitive?

Can employee feedback be a

challenging conversation?

When we faceChallenging Conversations we have 3 choices…

Choice #1

1. We can avoid them.

Choice #2

2. We can face them and handle them poorly.

Choice #3

3. We can face them and handle them well.

continue

Choosing to Have the Conversation

• At times we can plan how we want a conversation to go. 

• Other times, the conversation is spontaneous.• You have to be prepared to accept the consequences of any conversation you have. 

Intro

ducti

onPractice doesn’t make perfect –but perfect practice makes perfect.

Why is this so important?

What are the results of NOT having challenging conversations?

• Low employee morale

• Reduced efficiencies• Increased costs• Project delays

You can’t hide forever!

Cruc

ial C

onve

rsatio

nsMore than just in the workplace…• These conversational skills are not just for the workplace.

• These conversational skills can improve your relationships, revitalize your community and improve your personal health. 

The Power of DialogueDialogue: The free flow of meaning between

two or more people

Pool of Shared Meaning– Composed of thoughts and feelings; informs

us and propels us into action – Results when everyone feels safe

– Enhances people’s willingness to act ontheir decisions

Pool Of Shared Meaning

Shared meaning is composed of thoughts and feelings (ours and theirs) and informs and propels us into action.

Shar

ed M

eanin

g

Shar

ed M

eanin

g Benefits of a Shared Pool of Meaning

1. Successful dialogue results when everyone feels safe enough to add their meaning to the shared pool of meaning 

2. Shared meaning enhances people’s willingness to act on their decisions. 

Know What You Really WantConversation. Focus on What you Want Out of the ConversationAsQ: What do I really want:

for myself? for the other person? for the relationship? for the organization?

Words Speak Volumes

Move from “but” to “and”mentality.

Star

t With

Hea

rt

Learn to Recognize Challenging

Conversations

The sooner you notice you’re not in dialogue, the quicker you can get back to

dialogue, and lower the cost.

What is your Style Under Stress?

Style Under Stress Quiz

SILENCE: purposefully withholding information from the dialogue. Used to avoid creating a problem. Always restricts the flow of meaning.

Common forms of silence:

MASKING: understating or selectively showing what you actually think. Sarcasm, Sugarcoating, Couching, etc.

AVOIDING: not addressing the real issues. Changing subject, Shifting the focus to others, etc.

WITHDRAWING: not engaging in the conversation any longer. Exiting conversation or room all together.

Style Under Stress Quiz

Style Under Stress QuizVIOLENCE: convincing, controlling, or compelling others to your viewpoint. Violates safety by forcing meaning into the pool.

Common forms:

CONTROLLING: coercing others to your way of thinking. Cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, dominating conversation.

LABELING: stereotyping or categorizing people. Name-calling, generalizing

ATTACKING: belittling or threatening others

Learn to Look for 2 things:

•When the conversation turns challenging

• People don’t feel safe

When a Conversation Turns Challenging…

1.Clarify what you really want. 2.Clarify what you really don’t

want. 3.Present your brain with a

more complex problem.

Learn to Look:Content and Conditions

There is a need for Dual‐Processing during challenging conversations: – Look at content (what) 

– Look at conditions (why)

Make It Safe:Purpose and Respect

When others move to silence or violence, STEP OUT.

3. Ma

ke It

Saf

e

Make It Safe:Purpose and Respect

Which condition of safety is at risk?

Mutual PurposeDo others believe you care about their goals?

Mutual RespectDo others believe you respect them?

3. Ma

ke it

Safe

Apologize and ContrastApologize when you have made a mistake.

Contrast to fix misunderstandings.

Start with what you don't intend or mean.  Then explain what you do intend or mean

3. Ma

ke it

Saf

e Try to Contrast

I don’t want to….I do want

to…

Harness Your Emotions

If we take control of our emotions and stories, they

won’t control us.

4. Ma

ster Y

our S

tories

Feel Act

See/ hear   Tell A Story    Feel   Act

State Your Path

SHARE your facts TELL your story (facts + conclusion) ASK for others’ paths (humility) TALK tentatively  ENCOURAGE testing ‐make it safe for 

others to express differing views

Talking tools for sensitive topics

Learning to Listen

Effective communication begins witheffective listening, such that you build

trust and work toward achievinginsight through a step by step process.

Listening Defined

“Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.”

~ Frank Tyger

• For leisure and pleasure

• To take part in a dialogue or discussion

• To gather information

• To receive instructions

• To comprehend

• To get the essence of what is being said

Reasons we Listen

Benefits of Effective Listening Skills for Personal Growth and Development

Learning the skill of Effective Listening benefits personal development and relationships:

• Effective Communication

• Decreased Misconceptions

• Stronger Connections

• Personal Development

Hearing Listening ≠

Listening is an active process of communication that involves comprehending or understanding

the meaning of what is being said before a response is made.

The stages of the listening process occur in sequence:

1. Hearing

2. Attention

3. Understanding

4.Remembering

5.Evaluating

6.Responding

Stages in the Listening Process

Hearing Attention Understanding Remembering Evaluating Responding

Asking the Right Questions

Closed-ended questions allow for dichotomous answers: Yes/No - True/False - This/That

It encourages short or single-word answers.

Open-ended questions encourage full, meaningful answers.

It draws out the speaker’s own knowledge and emotions.

Active Listening

4 Listening Tools for helping othersshare their paths to action    

–ASK them to tell their stories–MIRROR to confirm feelings–PARAPHRASE to acknowledge their story–PRIME when you’re getting nowhere

Move to Action: Decision Making

Command: Decisions made by authority

Consult: Input gathered from the group.

Vote: An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision.

Consensus: Everyone comes to an agreement and supports the final decision.

Finish ClearlyDetermine who does what by when. Make deliverables crystal clear.  Set a follow‐up time.  Record the commitments and then follow up.  Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.

Feedback is all about INFORMATION

Feedback can be positive, negative or simply neutral.

Without feedback, the performer is like a blind worker.

The failure to perform feedback is a feedback itself: NO FEEDBACK, and communicates the message that no

one cares about performance or the performer.

People want to excel. And to know how they are doing, they need feedback information.

Asking the Right QuestionsClosed-ended questions allow for

dichotomous answers:Yes/No - True/False - This/That

It encourages short or single-word answers

Open-ended questions encourage full, meaningful answers

It draws out the speaker’s own knowledge and emotions

Ten Common Mistakes in Giving Feedback

1.The feedback judges individuals, not actions.2.The feedback is too vague.3.The feedback speaks for others4.Negative feedback gets sandwiched

between positive messages.5.The feedback is exaggerated with

generalities.

Ten Common Mistakes in Giving Feedback

6.The feedback psychoanalyzes the motives behind behaviour.

7.The feedback goes on too long.8.The feedback contains an implied threat.9.The feedback uses inappropriate humour.10.The feedback is a question, not a

statement.

4 - Step Feedback Model

Step 1 Identify the behaviorStep 2 Describe the effects of behaviorStep 3 Describe change you would like to seeStep 4 Gain commitment to change

Characteristics of a Good Feedback System

P – Performance standard orientedE – Easily understandableR – Routed to the right personF – Frequent O – On targetR – Relevant M – Measurable E – Expressed positivelyR – Real and HonestS – Self-administered

The Coaching Concept

Evaluate to determine knowledge,skill and confidence levels.

Define objectives that can bemeasured periodically.

Clarify direction, goals and accountability.

Encourage peer coaching.

The Coaching ConceptCoaching involves giving advice, skills building, creating challenges, removing barriers, building

better processes, learning through discovery, etc.

Deal with emotional obstacles byhelping them through change.

Give feedback.

Lead by example.

Clear Direction?• Where are you going?

Clear Strategy?• How are you going to get there?

Clear set of Expectations?• What does your team expect

from you ?• What do you expect from the

team?

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The Challenge of Change

1. Why are we changing?2. What is in it for me?3. What can we/I to do

differently?4. What tools/support do we

have?5. How will we be

measured?

© 2011 McKinley Solutions

Guiding Questions

STOP-START-CONTINUEIndividual & Group Challenge:

Use a Start-Stop-Continuetemplate to create specific

action for yourself

63McKinley Solutions Inc. ©

Take Action Now

Mark R. Thompson

w: www.mckinleysolutions.come: mark@mckinleysolutions.com

t: 888-769-1577

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