communication & body language
TRANSCRIPT
Influencing with Body LanguageMay 2012
Nuala OSullivan Occupational Psychologist
Communication
The problem with communication… is the illusion that it has been accomplished”
George Bernard Shaw “The process by which entities
exchange information and establish a common understanding” (French et al, 2009:514)
Overview of the Session
Introduction to Influencing Influencing Skills NLP overviewActive Exercises Body Language BriefingKinesics & Cultural context
Expressions to Ponder
Can you read?
Influencing Qualities:
EmpatheticImpartial
Non-judgmentalProfessional
HonestCreative
FlexibleFair
Approachable
Skills for the Listener
Active Listening – Good listening requires a series of skills:
– Concentration for a long time– Understand another’s point of view– Ability to read between the lines– Refusal to be drawn into emotional
language– Ability to elicit information by
probing– Probing Questions should be open– Examine your own perceptions
Perception that the circles Move ?
Drawing Out
Drawing Out
Active Listening
Attend to what is saidEncoding depends on attentionAllow uninterrupted speechCues: visual/auditory/kinaestheticBody LanguageEye movementsReflect backConfirm reflection
Verbal clues to cues
Visual: I see what you mean….…from my point of view…look at it this
way…I imagine/visualise it like this…Auditory: I hear what you’re saying…I’d like
to echo…it sounds like a good ideaKinaesthetic: In touch with these new ideas..
I’m sensing some resistance.. I just feel..that fits in with…
Non Verbal sensory clues
Visualconstruct
Auditoryconstruct
Kinaesthetic + smell & taste
– VisualRemembered(eidetic)
– Auditory remembered
– Auditory
Influencing by Listening
Allow the speaker to speak This clears their mind to listen themselvesSpeaking 2nd ensures your message is heard
To disagree first agree: common ground
Ask a question rather than directly disagree“What would happen if….”
Pacing by probing and listening
Signposting
Attention is distracted by organising mind Think @ 3,000 words per minute Speak @ 160-200 words per minuteListeners only half attend as they organiseMay easily misinterpret what we saySignposting helps listeners to organiseOrganised material is clearer
Helping to organise like this builds rapport
Useful Signposts
On the one hand…yet on the other handNot only….but also….Here’s a suggestion. If we…..
Playing devil’s advocate what happens if….Let me check that with you, what I
understand is…
Here’s an example. When I was….
Signpost Exception
Do not signpost DisagreementSignposting disagreement breaks rapportSwiftly following with valid reasons is
uselessToo lateInstead:Describe no more than 2 compelling reasonsOffer to discuss alternatives Keep channel of communication open
Rapport Breakers
Formal Speak At this moment in time (now)/I will (I’ll)Parental LanguageYou must remember/ you should / you oughtIrritators / Insulting LanguageWith respect..With all due respect…I hear what you’re saying but…Obviously…This is a generous/ I’m being reasonable
Lets be honest…let’s be reasonable…
Behavioural Triggers: Defend/ Attack:
Dogma triggers dogged behaviour:“Listen, we have got to…” = 60% disagreement or…How would you feel if…?How do you thinkpeople would react if we suggested that..= 66% agreementSuggest & encourage rather than bulldoze
Inclusive Jargon: Medics
Black HoleBlamestormingCircling the Drain
Departure LoungeFLKGerifix
GLMGOKGPOTEETH
Informal communication - jargonBlack hole A patient whose problems you never
reach the end ofBlamestorming A session of mutual recrimination in
which a team tries to find someone to blame for an error
Circling the drain
Said of a patient expected to die soon
Departure lounge
Geriatric ward
FLK Funny looking kidGerifix A combination of medicines prescribed
to elderly patientsGLM Good looking mumGOK God only knowsGPO Good for parts onlyTEETH Tried everything else, try homeopathy
Signposting Verbal
Frame commentsPrime listenerUse reflective listening to incorporate
elements of recent script to introduce own idea
As you were saying…It’s interesting to note what you mentioned
about…I agree with you that X is vital and it can be
further enhanced with Y….etc.
Sign posting Non Verbal
IntentionBreath: intake/exhaleLooking away as speaker closes indicating
readiness to respondTouching lips: ready to speak nowNodding:
fast = irritated slow = sympathetic
Counter Proposals
Listen to their proposal firstExplore by probing Encourage an environment of thinking it
throughSuggest that it may not be idealProposeSuggest it as if it has just occurred to youOffer it as a possible solution – not THE solution
Influencing Change
LogicAppeal to Ego VisualisationsTowards & Away from Language Open Questions Hand over the solutionFrame the situation in relation to context
(McCormack 2005)
Communicating Uncomfortably
Listen; allow speaker to exhaustRelax body language to openly receptiveExamine perspectiveIs the speaker giving you an honest account?Are they open to listening or distressed?Pick up on common themeDevelop Include where possibleState case simplyInvite response
Techniques for feedback
Active listeningAgree where possible & empathise Make your point unemotionallyFind some middle groundPraise what is praiseworthyEncourage communicationPromote good working practicesAllow mistakes as learning tools
Reading the Unwritten
Touching face/nose Imaginary itch Coughing Crossed BodyLooking away Hands steepledRubs back of neckPatting lipsRubs side of neck vertically
Foot flexed
... parallel or not?
Framing
Active listening cues areas of interestUse hooks to re-engage common areas
Pointedly assert how it will affect them
Outline potential of new ideas to them
Use body language to show unruffledHave a plan to gain commitment
Framing using EI
Performance Review– Group A – negative performance feedback
comments but positive emotional signals– Group B – reverse– Group B felt worse than Group A
Delivery more important than the message itselfMarie Dasborough 2006 (appraisals)
Reframing
Select the most positive aspect to emphasise
Use non-emotive language
Acknowledge what complainant is saying
Emphasise your problem solving focus
Reframing
I’m fed up with your service over the last 15 years it’s gone from bad to worse.
Why do you ALWAYS have to be so difficult when I’m only trying to get on with my work?
Reframed Responses
What I hear you saying is that you’ve been a loyal customer for 15 years and now there are some factors you think we can help you with now. We’re here to look at your concerns today.
I can see that you’re trying to get on with things and I’d like you to tell me how I can help you
Agreements
Be positive: agreement is possibleFind common groundAsk each to bring something to the
agreementLook for a Win-Win situationUse SMART objectives
Listen
Listen to languageListen to body language Listen to cuesListen to your own body statesUse feedback to adjust your communication.
Influencing Goals to be:
PositiveClearAgree timesAgree measuresSMART (Locke & Latham 1990)
Dilemmas & Dangers
Accepting the presenting problem at face valueBuying into roles
Halo & Horns Effect
Being bullied by the most assertiveBecoming overprotective of vulnerable parties
Little Boy Story
Perception that the circles Move ?
Your performance is affected by:
Personal historyAttitudesPersonal Perceptions Self-beliefsLearning experiencesAbility to learn from these experiencesLearning styles, habits and preferences
You should see a man's face and also a word...
Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with 'L'
References for Follow up
BALDWIN Dasborough, M. T. (2006). Cognitive asymmetry in employee emotional reactions to leadership behaviors. The Leadership Quarterly. Vol. 17 163-178.
CIPD (2008) The Psychological Contract: A Fact Sheet. Wimbledon: CIPD.
CONWAY, N., and BRINER, R. B. 2005. Understanding Psychological Contracts at Work: A Critical Evaluation of Theory and Research. Oxford: Oxford University Press.
DASBOROUGH, M. T. 2006. Cognitive asymmetry in employee emotional reactions to leadership behaviors. The Leadership Quarterly, 17, 163-178.
ELLIS, A. 1957. Rational psychotherapy and individual psychology. Journal of Individual Psychology, 13, 38-44
TREPPER, T., Dolan, Y., McCollum, E. & Nelson, T. (2010). Steve de Shazer and the Future of SFT. Jnl of Marital & Family Therapy. Vol. 32. No. 2 p133-139