Communication and Communication and Communication SkillsCommunication Skills

Nataliya LishchenkoNataliya Lishchenko

What is Communication?What is Communication? A basic life skill, as important as the skill by A basic life skill, as important as the skill by

which we make our way through school or which we make our way through school or earn a livingearn a living

Our personal happinessOur personal happiness Our friendsOur friends We are more valued at workWe are more valued at work Our children respect and trust usOur children respect and trust us We get our sexual needs metWe get our sexual needs met

If we are less effective at If we are less effective at communicating: communicating:

Work may be allright but our family shouts at Work may be allright but our family shouts at the dinner tablethe dinner table

Sex can be found but friendships never seem Sex can be found but friendships never seem to work outto work out

We bounced from job to jobWe bounced from job to job We get a lot laughs at parties but go home We get a lot laughs at parties but go home

alonealone

Why we need that?Why we need that?

Our American students are very good communicatorsOur American students are very good communicators Our cultural paculiarities – we are more silentOur cultural paculiarities – we are more silent To be succesful we need to communicate moreTo be succesful we need to communicate more As a future or current teachers we have to develop or As a future or current teachers we have to develop or

improve our communication skillsimprove our communication skills

Effective Communication Makes Effective Communication Makes Life Works!!!Life Works!!!

Fundamental Communication SkillsFundamental Communication Skills

LISTENINGLISTENING Is an essential skill for making and keeping Is an essential skill for making and keeping

relationshipsrelationships If you are a good listener, you’ll notice that If you are a good listener, you’ll notice that

others are drawn to youothers are drawn to you Success comes a little easier because you hear Success comes a little easier because you hear

and understand people: you know what they and understand people: you know what they want and what hurts or irritates themwant and what hurts or irritates them

Real Versus Pseudo-ListeningReal Versus Pseudo-Listening Being quite while someone talks does not Being quite while someone talks does not

constitute real listening. constitute real listening. Real listening is based on the intention to do Real listening is based on the intention to do

one of four things:one of four things: 1) Understand someone1) Understand someone 2) Enjoy someone2) Enjoy someone 3) Learn something3) Learn something 4) Give help or solace4) Give help or solace

Exersise for you:Exersise for you:

Everyone is a pseudo-listener at times. Problems Everyone is a pseudo-listener at times. Problems develop when real listening (the intention to develop when real listening (the intention to understand, enjoy, learn, help) is happening a understand, enjoy, learn, help) is happening a lot less than pseudolistening. In general, the lot less than pseudolistening. In general, the more real listening you do, the better your more real listening you do, the better your relationships feel. relationships feel.

Exersise for you:Exersise for you:

Use the following chart to assess the real Use the following chart to assess the real versus the pseudo-listening you do with versus the pseudo-listening you do with significant people in your life. Estimate the significant people in your life. Estimate the percentage of your listening that is real for percentage of your listening that is real for each of the following:each of the following:

Exersise for you:Exersise for you:

WORKWORK Boss____________%Boss____________% Coworkers________%Coworkers________% Subordinates______%Subordinates______%HOMEHOME Mate_____________%Mate_____________% Children__________%Children__________% Roommate________%Roommate________%

Exersise for you:Exersise for you:

RELATIVES:RELATIVES: Mother_____________%Mother_____________% Father______________%Father______________% Siblings_____________%Siblings_____________%FRIENDSFRIENDS Best friend___________%Best friend___________% Same-sex friend_______%Same-sex friend_______% Opposite-sex friends____%Opposite-sex friends____%

Ask Yourself these questions:Ask Yourself these questions: Who are the people you listen to best?Who are the people you listen to best? Who are the people with whom you do more Who are the people with whom you do more

pseudolistening?pseudolistening? What is about these people that makes it easier What is about these people that makes it easier

or harder to listen to them?or harder to listen to them? Are there any people on the chart with whom Are there any people on the chart with whom

youyou want to do more real listening?youyou want to do more real listening?

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Comparing – you’are always trying to assess Comparing – you’are always trying to assess

who is smarter, more competent, more who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy – you or the otheremotionally healthy – you or the other

As a result – you can’t let much in because As a result – you can’t let much in because you’re too busy seeing if you measure upyou’re too busy seeing if you measure up

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Mind Reading – you are trying to figure out Mind Reading – you are trying to figure out

what the other person is really thinking and what the other person is really thinking and feeling. The mind readers pay less attention to feeling. The mind readers pay less attention to words than to intonation and subtle cues in an words than to intonation and subtle cues in an effort to see through to the truth – “I bet he’s effort to see through to the truth – “I bet he’s looking at my lousy skin...He thinks I’m looking at my lousy skin...He thinks I’m stupid...He’s turned off by my shiness”stupid...He’s turned off by my shiness”

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Rehearsing –Youu don’t have time to listen Rehearsing –Youu don’t have time to listen

when you’re rehearsing what to say. Your when you’re rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment. You have to crafting of your next comment. You have to look interest, but your mind is going a mile a look interest, but your mind is going a mile a minute, because you’ve got a story to tell, or a minute, because you’ve got a story to tell, or a point to make.point to make.

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Filtering – you listen to some things and not to Filtering – you listen to some things and not to

others. You pay only enough attention to see if others. You pay only enough attention to see if somebody angry, or unhappy, or contains none somebody angry, or unhappy, or contains none of those things, you let your mind wonder.of those things, you let your mind wonder.

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Judging – Negative labels have enormous Judging – Negative labels have enormous

power.If you prejudge someone as stupid or power.If you prejudge someone as stupid or nuts or unqualified, you don’t pay much nuts or unqualified, you don’t pay much attention to what they say. attention to what they say.

BUT...be sure your judgments are made only BUT...be sure your judgments are made only after you have heard and evaluated the content after you have heard and evaluated the content of the message!of the message!

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Dreaming – You are half-listening, and something the Dreaming – You are half-listening, and something the

person says suddenly triggers a chain of private person says suddenly triggers a chain of private associations. You are more prone to dreaming when associations. You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or anxious. Everybody dreams and you feel bored or anxious. Everybody dreams and you sometimes need to make herculean efforts to stay you sometimes need to make herculean efforts to stay turned in...turned in...

BUT...do not dream a lot with certain people – it may BUT...do not dream a lot with certain people – it may indicate lack of commitment, they may get a indicate lack of commitment, they may get a statement that you don’t value what they have to say statement that you don’t value what they have to say very muchvery much

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Identifying – you take everything a pesron Identifying – you take everything a pesron

tells you and refer it back to your own tells you and refer it back to your own experience. Everything you hear reminds you experience. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you’ve felt, done, or of something that you’ve felt, done, or suffered. You are so busy with these exciting suffered. You are so busy with these exciting tales of your life that there’s no time to really tales of your life that there’s no time to really hear or get to know the other personhear or get to know the other person

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Advising – You are the great problem-solver, Advising – You are the great problem-solver,

ready with help and suggestions. You don’t ready with help and suggestions. You don’t have to hear more than a few sentences before have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin searching for the right advice.you begin searching for the right advice.

BUT...while you are cooking up suggestions and BUT...while you are cooking up suggestions and convincing someone to “just try it”, you may convincing someone to “just try it”, you may miss what’s most important...miss what’s most important...

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Sparring – this block has you arguing and Sparring – this block has you arguing and

debating with people. The other person never debating with people. The other person never feels heard because you’re so quick to feels heard because you’re so quick to disagree. In fact, a lot of your focus is on disagree. In fact, a lot of your focus is on finding things to disagree with.finding things to disagree with.

A subtype of sparring is put-down – using of A subtype of sparring is put-down – using of sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other person’s sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other person’s point of view.point of view.

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Being Right – you will go to any lengths (twist Being Right – you will go to any lengths (twist

the facts, start shouting, call up past sins) to the facts, start shouting, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. You can’t listen to avoid being wrong. You can’t listen to criticism, you can’t be corrected, and you can’t criticism, you can’t be corrected, and you can’t take suggestion to change. Your convictions take suggestion to change. Your convictions are unshakable. And since you won’t are unshakable. And since you won’t acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them. you just keep making them.

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Derailing – this listening block is Derailing – this listening block is

accomplished by suddenly changing the accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. You derail the train of conversation subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with when you get bored or uncomfortable with topic. topic.

Another way of derailing is by joking it off. Another way of derailing is by joking it off.

Blocks to listeningBlocks to listening Placating – “Right...Right....Absolutely...I Placating – “Right...Right....Absolutely...I

know...Of course you are... Incredible.... know...Of course you are... Incredible.... Yes....Really ?”You want to be nice, pleasant, Yes....Really ?”You want to be nice, pleasant, supportive. You may be half-listen, just supportive. You may be half-listen, just enough to get the drift, but you are not really enough to get the drift, but you are not really involved.involved.

Exersise for you:Exersise for you: Now you probably have an idea which blocks Now you probably have an idea which blocks

apply to you. List the blocks that seem typical apply to you. List the blocks that seem typical of the ways you avoid listening. of the ways you avoid listening.

To remind you, they are:To remind you, they are: ComparingComparing Mind ReadingMind Reading RehearsingRehearsing FilteringFiltering JudgingJudging DreamingDreaming

IdentifyingIdentifying AdvisingAdvising SparringSparring Being RightBeing Right DerailingDerailing PlacatingPlacating

Assessing Your Listening BlocksAssessing Your Listening Blocks

Exersise: For significant people in your life, Exersise: For significant people in your life, write in the listening blocks you typically use. write in the listening blocks you typically use. Note that for many people you may use more Note that for many people you may use more that one block.that one block.

Exersise for you:Exersise for you:

WORKWORK Boss____________________________Boss____________________________ Coworkers________________________Coworkers________________________ Subordinates______________________Subordinates______________________HOMEHOME Mate_____________________________Mate_____________________________ Children__________________________Children__________________________ Roommate________________________Roommate________________________

Exersise for you:Exersise for you:

RELATIVES:RELATIVES: Mother______________________________Mother______________________________ Father______________________________Father______________________________ Siblings_____________________________Siblings_____________________________FRIENDSFRIENDS Best friend___________________________Best friend___________________________ Same-sex friend______________________Same-sex friend______________________ Opposite-sex friends___________________Opposite-sex friends___________________

Ask Yourself these questions:Ask Yourself these questions: Are you blocking more at home or at work?Are you blocking more at home or at work? With same-sex or opposite-sex friends?With same-sex or opposite-sex friends? Do certain people or situation trigger Do certain people or situation trigger

blocking?blocking? Do you use different blocks with different Do you use different blocks with different

people?people?

Thank You!Thank You!

Have a good weekend!Have a good weekend!