"communicate powerfully... without being a bitch: a guide for women" by michelle...
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A guide for navigating that narrow divide between assertive and aggressive to achieve greater success at work.TRANSCRIPT
COMMUNICATE POWERFULLYWithout Being A BITCH
A Guide For Women
byMichelle Villalobos
(vee - ya - low - bos)
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A brief trip back in time... why men & women are the way we are
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v v
vvv
Survival Of The Fittest:Evolution
wasn’t about competing
against nature, it was
about competing
against each other
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CompetitionCaveman (& cavewoman) Style
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Specialization of duties meant men and women
evolved differently.
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men evolved to compete phsycially and aggressively....
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women, beingless expendable,
evolved forms of non-violent competition
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And now, millions of years later, men and women have different
“stereotypical” behaviors
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nurturingcommunicating
reconciling
decisivecommandingcontrolling
“male” “female”
. . . . . .
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The training starts early...
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Socialization, AKA:“Now, now, girls, play nice...”
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WomanHumilityModesty
ShynessConstraint
Coyness |Demureness Meekness | Unpretentious
Diffidence | HumblenessInhibition | Innocence
Reserve | Quietness Purity | Timidity
Self-effacing
QuietBashfulness
SweetHelpful Gentle Nice Caring Kind Calm
And it only gets worse.
These are some words people
associate with “woman”
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WomanHumilityModesty
ShynessConstraint
Coyness |Demureness Meekness | Unpretentious
Diffidence | HumblenessInhibition | Innocence
Reserve | Quietness Purity | Timidity
Self-effacing
QuietBashfulness
SweetHelpful Gentle Nice Caring Kind Calm
Unfortunately, they’re not the words associated
with “mogul,” “success” or
“ambition”
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v s. WomanHumilityModesty
ShynessConstraint
Coyness |Demureness Meekness | Unpretentious
Diffidence | HumblenessInhibition | Innocence
Reserve | Quietness Purity | Timidity
Self-effacing
QuietBashfulness
SweetHelpful Gentle Nice Caring Kind Calm
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What’s an ambitious woman to do?
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“Women who adopt a masculine, ‘alpha-
female’ approach in the office earn more [and
get promoted more] than than their more passive
female colleagues.”– Businessweek, July 2010
Fact:
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Problem is, then we get labeled “BITCH.” Yuck.
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It’s like we’re a balancing act between being a buldozer or a doormat.
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“assertive”
Then there’s that magical place right in between... the one everyone
calls “ASSERTIVE.”
What is “assertive?”
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It’s hard to define, that’s for sure. And even harder to BE.
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•Don’t always win, but handles situations effectively
•Is an “Active Listener”•States expectations•Sets boundaries•Considers others feelings•States observations without
labels or judgments•Expresses self directly,
honestly, and quickly about issues & wants
•Confident, trusts self and others
•Open, flexible, versatile
•Decisive & action-oriented•Consistent•Uses direct eye contact•Has a varied rate of speech•Uses “I prefer” or “I’d rather” •Asks: “What are my options?”
“What are the alternatives?”•Negotiates, bargains, trades off,
compromises•Confronts problems as they
arise•Doesn’t bottle up negative
feelings•Feels well-understood
“assertive”
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12 steps to striking the balance... Between buldozer and doormat,
between bimbo and bitch, between psycho and successful.
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#1. Identify blind spots. Be self-aware.
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Are you a bulldozer or doormat?
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- people won’t disagree with you- (or) you get into lots of arguments
- people often leave you angry or upset- you raise your voice a lot
- they act passive around you- you speak loud and fast
- you interrupt- you are impolite
- you often hear that you’re rude- you are intimidating
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- you don’t share your thoughts/needs- you feel resentful
- you’re not getting what you deserve- you’re overly polite- you apologize a lot
- you back down from debates- you avoid conflict at all costs- people take advantage of you
- you can’t say no28
#2. Body language & image29
Scientists estimate that a majority of our conclusions about a person are
drawn from non-verbal cues!
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Look at the women and the men’s headshots. What do you notice?
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what do you notice?
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Let me make it a little clearer. Now?
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How about this?
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The classic “head tilt” and the coy stare say “I don’t know,” “I’m a little girl” or
“I’m sexy” – not good if you’re an ambitious, professional woman.
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Here are some alternatives that work.
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And one that doesn’t.
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Here are some quick tips about the elements of good body language...
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Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
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social is the new business
Body Language
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• Eye contact• Body language• Clothes• Neatness • Expression• Attitude• “Props”• Greeting/handshake• Striking up rapport
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And what to watch out for.
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Copyright 2007- 2009 Michelle Villalobos, Mivista, Inc. www.MivistaInc.com (888) 531-3830
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social is the new business
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• Unequal distribution of eye contact
• Arms/hands/fidgeting• Unhappy/angry “resting
face”• Smile-talking (it feels fake)• Personal space / proximity• Leaning in• Other people around you
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Most people don’t make enough eye contact.
(And if you’re fiddling with your BBerry, that’s one reason why - I know that’s kind of a tangent, but I had to get that out there).
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1Eye contact is the most
basic form of human interaction... even
newborns do it
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Does your body language
say “I’m too busy for you”?
That’s one surefire way to
turn people off...
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How’s your handshake? Handshakes establish equality
between two people.
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In a proper handshake – for men and women – the web of the hand touch.
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No limp handshakes, please...
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And while we’re at it, no dainty “fingertip” handshakes either.
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# 4. what you say
& how you say it
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do you ask for permission to
speak up?Can I ask a question?
I just want to add one thing
Would you mind if I said something?
I have an idea I’d like to share, if you don’t mind
May I add something?63
Do you start your sentences with “I” – as in, “I think that” or “I feel that...”?
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“I”blames you for issues
that aren’t yourschildish
takes focus off the facts
not effective leadership (it’s not about you)
often leads to “psychobabble”
(i.e., “feel,” “think,”
“believe”)
* How To Say It For WomenPhyllis Mindell, Ed.D.
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“psychobabble”rambling & nervous chatter
“blah, blah, blah...” “Be in the moment... “present...” “The Secret...” “The Law of Attraction”
and... and... and...“I’m suuuuch an Aquarius (giggle)”
“I feeeeel...”
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(k)notty wordscan not
could notshould not
do notwould not
rephrase with what you DO want
or WILL do
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try:
“um”“you know”
“ahhh”“like”
...pausing...rhetorical question
...dramatic pause
...drop altogether
verbal filler
instead of:
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onlyjust
you knowreally
in my opinionsort ofkind of
apparentlyI’m not an expert, but
I may not be qualified, butbut
maybeI guess
While you’re at it, lose the
“hedging” language too.
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strong words vs.weak words
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“to be”
I am (was, will be...)
You are (were, will be)
We are (were, will be)
They are (were, will be)
I am the leader of a team
You are responsible for sales
We are the managers of...
They were helping the kids...
I lead
We manage
They helped
________________
_______________
______________
You oversee sales
_______________
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AchieveAdvanceConductConsultCommitCoordinateDevelopDeliverDesignDefineDevoteEarnEnhanceEvaluateExamineExtendFacilitateFormulate
FulfillForecastGenerateGainGatherHeadHostIdentifyImplementImproveImproviseInfluenceLaunchLeadLobbyMaintainManageMarketed
MaximizedMediatedMotivateNegotiateObtainOperateOrganizeOriginateOverseeParticipatePerformPioneerPlanPreparePresentPromotePublishPursue
RankUpdateRedesignReengineerReorganizeRepresentRestructureReviseSafeguardSecureSpecifySpearheadStandardizeStrengthenStructureSuggestSupersedeSupervise
TargetTeach/TaughtTestTrainTransformTranscendUnifyUpgradeUtilizeValidateValueWrite
effective action verbs...
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volume, tone, tempo & inflection
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lowerslowerlouder
vshigherfastersofter
which is preferable?
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#5. Learn to say “shut up” (politely)
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Learn to say “shut up” (politely)
*Phyllis Mindel, PhDHow To Say It For Women
Excuse mePlease allow me to finish...
I’m not finishedI’m not quite finished...
Please hold any comments until I’m donePlease hold your questions until the end
Just a moment...Interruptions break my train of thought,
please allow me to finish...
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#7. practice saying
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Dump the sarcasm and other passive-aggressive behavior, it’s juvenile and ineffective.
#8.
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“Thanks for doing such a great job. Really, thanks.
“It’s not like you do anything anyways.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Everything is great. Just perfect.”
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•be solution-oriented•address sarcasm straight-up
“was that meant sarcastically?”•ask for alternate behavior •use active listening to uncover
the real issue (ask!)•talk about that (honestly)
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exudeconfidence
#10.
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How do you respond to compliments?
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“Unwritten Rules: What You Don’t Know Can Hurt Your Career” © 2008 by CATALYST
#11. promote yourself
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Like it or not, we all have a personal brand. Purposeful or accidental, decided by you, or
decided by the people around you...
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Copyright Michelle Villalobos, Mivista Consulting, Inc. 2009. All Rights Reserved. To Reprint, Distribute or Repurpose, visit www.MivistaConsulting.com and click “Contact Us”.
View more at: www.MichelleVillalobos.com87