CHARACTERS (IN ORDER OF APEARANCE)

CHRISTINE A young and single independent woman who lives in the home counties.

TONBERRY An eccentric upper-class genius who has a tendency to get carried away.

GLASS Tonberry’s northern, working class assistant and friend.

POLICEMAN AhardworkingbuthumorlessofficeroftheBritishPoliceService.

WAITRESS Another brow-beaten worker of the Little Chef motorway restaurant chain.

NOTES ON THIS EPISODE

Thispilotepisodewasspecificallywrittentocoincidewiththe‘WaroftheWorlds75thAnniversaryContest’ which celebrates the historical broadcast of an adaption of H.G.Wells’ famous novel for radio. Adapted by Orson Wells and Howard Koch, it aired on October 30th 1938. Because of this thescriptistrimmedtoastrict15minuterunningtimeandincludescertainkeyelementsrequiredunder the rules of the contest.

Duetoonlylearningaboutthecontestaweekbeforeitsend-date,thisscriptandtheentirefirstepisode was created in just three days. This meant that Cascade Studios was unable to commission an original soundtrack for the show and instead want to thank Kevin MacLeod ofRoyalty-Free Music.com whose work we have used under the Creative Commons License. Tonberry and Glass will return soon with further adventures.

LEGAL DETAILS

Tonberry and Glass - The Mysterious Case of te Housing Insurance Claim© 2013, Cascade StudiosSelf publishingwww.cascadestudios.co.ukinfo@cascadestudios.co.uk ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher.

MUSIC CUE #1 – ‘Call to Adventure’ an upbeat and cheerful piece.

SOUND CUE #1 – A car door slams shut. Shopping bags ruffle as they are pulled from the boot, it is a fine sunny day in the small English village of King’s Langley.

CHRISTINE (As if carrying on a phone conversation that started in the car) Yes Auntie, I understandthat,butI’mnotrelocatingtoSalford.Icanfindanotherjobno problem, and in the meantime I get some much needed me time. Besides Mum and Dad left me the house here in London and I’ve no intention of selling it.

SOUND CUE #2 – In the distance we hear a sonic boom. People are gasping in the back-ground.

MUSIC CUE #2 – Fade into an eerie refrain then silence.

CHRISTINE What was that? (Pause) Call you back later.

SOUND CUE#3 – An asteroid falls from the sky, destroying several buildings and landing directly on her house. We hear shattering glass and her car alarm goes off.

CHRISTINE (With feeling) Bloody hell! (Pause to catch her breath) Oh my god this is really happening, an asteroid just fell on my house. It took out the church and the pub and just rolled through my house!

SOUND CUE#4 – Approaching running feet over rubble.

MUSIC CUE #3 – ‘The Path of the Goblin King’ an investigative yet amusing background melody.

CHRISTINE This is insane!

TONBERRY (Approaching) Ah, you there!

CHRISTINE Who, me?

TONBERRY Do you mind moving just a little to the left, my associate and I need to take some readings. What’s your name?

CHRISTINE (Dazed)Christine?Anasteroidjustflattenedmyhouse...

TONBERRY It did.

CHRISTINE And you want to take readings?

TONBERRY We do.

CHRISTINE Sorry, who are you?

TONBERRY My name is Tonberry and this is my associate Glass.

GLASS (Over his shoulder) Hello!

TONBERRY We’re paranormal investigators of a sort. You see we picked up radio buzz from the RAF about an hour ago and we’ve really had to motor to get here ahead of the curve as it were . . .

CHRISTINE There is an ASTEROID where my HOME used to be!

TONBERRY Er, yes?

CHRISTINE I went out to Tesco to do the shopping and now I don’t have a home to put the shopping IN. I don’t even have a freezer. There’s a Vienetta in here!

SOUND CUE #5 – She shakes the bags in his face.

TONBERRY Glass?

GLASS Yes sir?

TONBERRY She appears to be getting emotional, Glass. You know I’m not good with . . . people.

GLASS I’ll just handle this one then shall I?

CHRISTINE Nobody is going to handle anything! What the bloody hell is going on around here?!

SOUND CUE #6 – The asteroid cracks open and something alien tests the air.

CHRISTINE What in Gods name is that?!

GLASS Bigfoot?

TONBERRY Why do you always guess Bigfoot? It’s clearly some kind of alien.

GLASS Eventually it’s bound to crop up. Rule of averages. Who’ll be laughing then?

CHRISTINE (To herself) My god you’re both mad . . .

TONBERRY It’s gone back into the asteroid for something. Perhaps some sort of communication device or . . .

SOUND CUE #7 – A mechanical tripod lifts itself from the asteroid with a whirr of servos and heavy thumping of its three legs. It fires on a wayward cat.

MUSC CUE #4 – ‘Ghostpocalypse - 7 Master’ as the chase begins.

TONBERRY . . . or a giant three legged war machine!

SOUND CUE #8 – The Tripod steps over them and runs off into the distance.

TONBERRY Quick! After it!

GLASS Right you are!

CHRISTINE Get your hands off me!

SOUND CUE #9 – A car door slams shut and their van leaps into persuit.

CHRISTINE This is kidnapping you know.

TONBERRY Nonsense, it’s a high speed chase.

GLASS We’re lucky it’s following the roads. I think it’s aiming for the M1.

TONBERRY Atthistimeofday?Traffic’llbeanightmare.

CHRISTINE There it is! We’re catching up!

SOUND CUE #10 – A brief car chase followed by the sound of laser fire.

CHRISTINE It’s shooting at us!

GLASS I’m glad you pointed that out, we might have missed it.

SOUND CUE #11 – Rustling of bags in the car.

GLASS What are you doing?

CHRISTINE I know there’s some Southern Comfort in here somewhere, if ever there were a time for a stiff drink then this is it.

GLASS (Understanding) Ah.

CHRISTINE (Glugging from the bottle) What’s it doing now?

GLASS It’shoppedlanesandit’sleggingitoverthefieldcrosscountry.We’velostit.

SOUND CUE #12 – Sirens. The Van is pulled over. A Police Officer approaches the window.

CHRISTINE Thank heaven, it’s the police. They’ll know what to do.

POLICEMAN And what speed do you think you were doing just then?

GLASS Fifty?

POLICEMAN Tryninetyfivemilesanhour.

TONBERRY Ah yes, but you see we were trying to catch up with the alien.

POLICEMAN Alien?

TONBERRY Yes! It hatched from an asteroid that landed on this poor girl’s home and we were chasing it. We’d have had it too if it hadn’t have jumped off road.

POLICEMAN (Slowly) I see (pause) Will you step out of the car a minute sir? I just need you to breathe into this little box for me . . .

MUSIC CUE #5 – Music rises then swiftly fades out.

MUSIC CUE #6 – ‘Sneaky Snitch’ for a relaxed atmosphere with a hint of comedy.

SOUND CUE #13 – Diners eating and waiters serving to tables in a Little Chef restaurant.

WAITRESS Here you go Lovie, that’s two Olympic Breakfasts and a plate of toast.

TONBERRY Are you sure you don’t want any condiments with that?

CHRISTINE (With venom) Do I look like I need Condiments?

SOUND CUE #14 – She rattles the bags again to make her point.

CHRISTINE Drivingundertheinfluence...

TONBERRY It’ll never stick; I passed all of that policeman’s tests.

GLASS Except the one where you sounded like a nutter.

CHRISTINE Right, ok. Time to explain everything guys and lay it out simple would you? I’m half a bottle of Southern Comfort in and it’s only ten thirty am.

GLASS What do you want to know?

CHRISTINE Everything. What was that we just saw, why did it destroy my home and who you are?

GLASS Well . . . my name’s Ian Glass and this is Felicity Tonberry.

CHRISTINE Felicity?

TONBERRY I prefer to just go by Tonberry.

GLASS Togetherwechasedowntheparanormal.Conductinvestigations,filereports, research the unexplainable and generally get around. This case is a little mundane by our standards to be honest.

CHRISTINE Like an asteroid that hatches a three legged death machine?

GLASS Exactly. We follow the cases everybody else would consider insane.

CHRISTINE And you work for the government?

TONBERRY Ha!

GLASS Not exactly, no.

TONBERRY Not at all. This is a private venture.

CHRISTINE Who funds it?

GLASS Tonberry is the heir to a very large estate. One of the biggest in the UK, but he’s not really a people person as you’ve seen. His wife funds our excursions and pays any overheads in exchange for him leaving her alone.

CHRISTINE So she can’t stand him either?

GLASS He’sanacquiredtaste.

TONBERY She bankrolls whatever we need and we send her case reports after each excursion. In return I just have to keep out of her way and let her run the estates; handle the money, that kind of thing.

CHRISTINE And you’re what? His butler?

GLASS Gardener actually.

TONBERY My faithful manservant!

GLASS That’s what it says on the contract. His estate in Hertfordshire has a rather large cottage set aside for the grounds keeper. We operate the business from insideit,butofficiallyoneofushastobeagardenertolivethere,anditwasn’t going to be him.

CHRISTINE Whatqualifiesyoutwotodoanyofthisstuff?

GLASS Despite appearances, Tonberry has thirteen degrees, three masters and a doctorate.He’skindofareclusivegenius,justwithouttheendearingqualities.

CHRISTINE And you?

GLASS I’ve punched out Hitler.

TONBERRY It wasn’t the real Hitler, it was a clone created by a radical branch of Neo Nazis.WestoppedthemjustastheywerepoisedtoinvadeBritainwithafleet of V-Dub vans booked on the channel tunnel.

GLASS Close enough for me. Coincidentally that’s also where we got the van we’ve been using.

CHRISTINE I wondered why it was that dark shade of purple.

GLASS You wouldn’t have liked the old paint job. Jet black with SS logos.

CHRISTINE Ok. So you’re like big game hunters. Rich nutters with nothing to do but chase around after the next big thing. Only it’s aliens instead of elephants. What do we do now? We’re just sitting around in a Little Chef.

GLASS Refuelling.

TONBERRY GlassfindsitimpossibletodrivepastaLittleChefwithoutstoppingforan Olympic Breakfast. They make up roughly half his diet. That and they have wi-fi.

GLASS Plus we have no idea where that alien’s heading. Time to stop and think. What do we know?

CHRISTINE It fell to earth from outer space in an asteroid, then emerged in a three legged war machine and took off for location unknown.

TONBERRY Sounds like something out of H.G.Wells.

CHRISTINE Sounds like something we’d have aired at the Beeb.

GLASS You worked at the BBC?

CHRISTINE Until they moved to Manchester, yeah.

TONBERRY Nothing good ever comes from moving north.

GLASS Hey.

TONBERRY But still . . . the BBC . . .

CHRISTINE So where do you think it was heading?

GLASS That depends what it’s after. Maybe we should double back to your house and check the wreckage for clues?

CHRISTINE You mean the pile of rubble that used to be my home? Sure.

TONBERRY . . . BBC . . .

CHRISTINE Do you think my insurance will cover asteroid impact?

GLASS They’llwriteitoffas‘actofGod’,theyalwaysdo.

CHRISTINE Where the hell am I going to live?

TONBERRY . . . B. B. C . . .

CHRISTINE I don’t suppose that you’ve uncovered some horrible secret about the truth behind housing insurance that I can use to my advantage?

GLASS You know it’s funny that you should ask that . . .

TONBERRY (Cutting him off mid sentence) That’s it!

SOUND CUE #15 – Tonberry strikes the desk with a fist.

TONBERRY I’ve got it, I know where the alien’s heading! Come on!

SOUND CUE #16 – They leave the Little Chef, car doors slam and the engine starts.

CHRISTINE What? Where are we going?

TONBERRY It’s so simple! I can’t believe we even had to think about it.

CHRISTINE AND?

TONBERRY It’s heading for BBC Broadcasting Central.

GLASS What? Why?

CHRISTINE Are you still eating that breakfast? I didn’t think they let you keep the plate.

GLASS Run out on enough Little Chefs mid-meal and they’ll let you do anything. Is there any ketchup in those bags?

CHRISTINE Here.

GLASS Ta. Where were we?

CHRISTINE Broadcasting Central in London.

TONBERRY It’s obvious when you think about it. The beeb must have televised dozens of versions of War of the Worlds, right? And variations there of. All those images and events bouncing out into space, just waiting for somebody to see them.

CHRISTINE Are you saying that the Alien is a fan?

TONBERRY October 30th 1938. Americans went into a panic because Orson Wells and Howard Koch produced a version of War of the Worlds for radio in the format of a news broadcast. Thousands of people truly believed that an alien invasion of the Earth was underway.

CHRISTINE And?

TONBERRY So what if an alien sees footage of the invasion of Earth and thinks he’s missing out on the party? He arrives expecting to join in the fun and instead it’s King’s bloody Langley, dullest spot in Hertfordshire. Confused he jumps ship and heads for the nearest source of the broadcasts he followed here. The old BBC building in London.

GLASS Are you saying that alien life intelligent enough to cross the intergalactic wasteland of deep space is as dumb as your average American?

CHRISTINE I can believe it.

GLASS We need to get to London!

SOUND CUE #17 – The van speeds off into the distance.

MUSIC CUE #7 – ‘Decline’ exciting but eerie in nature.

SOUND CUE #18 – The van pulls up and parks, they exit the vehicle.

CHRISTINE Well this is the old BBC building, now we just need to (spotting something) son of a bitch, will you look at that?! The alien’s only gone and parked its Tripod in a disabled space. Damn cheek!

TONBERRY Quite, but perhaps we should be looking for it rather than its vehicle?

CHRISTINE This place is huge, what do you think we should do?

GLASS Split up, we can cover more ground.

SOUND CUE #19 – They enter the building and split up. Her footsteps echo in the empty building.

CHRISTINE It’s weird seeing this place empty, there was always so many people here. Still, I’d have expected there to be a security guard or two . . .

SOUND CUE #20 – She trips over something.

CHRISTINE Ouch, what was . . . oooookay, dead security guard. Now I’m seriously starting towonderwhatI’msupposedtodoifIfindit.Whackitwithashoppingbag? (pause) I need a cup of tea. Didn’t the canteen used to be down here somewhere?

SOUND CUE #21 – Running feet near each other then stop.

TONBERRY Nothing. You?

GLASS Nothing, and I felt sure it would head for the studios.

TONBERRY It’s not in the old editing suites either.

GLASS Have you seen any evidence it’s even in the building? Maybe it got bored and went home?

TONBERRY I don’t think so, not after coming all this way for an invasion . . . did you check thenewsoffices?

GLASS I think that’s where Christie was heading.

SOUND CUE #22 – A kettle boils.

CHRISTINE There, a nice cup of tea. Best way to sooth the nerves. Lucky for me the water and power are still hooked up. I can’t remember if I brought any biscuits . . . bingo.

SOUND CUE #23 – Pans rattle, something skitters in the near distance.

CHRISTINE Hello? Glass is that you?

SOUND CUE #24 – The alien makes unusual noises.

CHRISTINE Oh shit it’s here! What am I supposed to do?

SOUND CUE #25 – The alien skitters towards her.

CHRISTINE (Scared and nervous) Um . . . hey. Hello. I’m Christine, nice to meet you.You . . . probably don’t have a clue what I’m saying do you? Please don’t eat me.

SOUND CUE #26 – The alien makes clicking sounds in its own language.

CHRISTINE This? It’s a cup of tea, you want it? Sure here you go, hope you like milk and sugar.

SOUND CUE #27 – The alien gulps it down and then sounds angry.

CHRISTINE Oh god now I’ve made it angry. More of a coffe guy huh?

SOUND CUE #28 – The doors slam open, the guys run in then pull up short.

TONBERRY Christine!

GLASS For the love of god don’t move!

CHRISTINE I gave it a cup of tea and now it’s angry with me.

TONBERRY Is it more of a coffee person?

CHRISTINE I said that!

SOUND CUE #29 – The alien makes an angry roar then collapses.

CHRISTINE Did it just . . . die?

GLASS What did you do?

CHRISTINE Nothing. It just drank my tea.

GLASS What was in it?

CHRITSINE Milk and sugar.

GLASS (To Tonberry) You don’t think it was . . .

TONBERRY Lactose intolerant?

GLASS Or diabetic!

TONBERRY You know that this means?

GLASS Christie just saved the world?

TONBERRY Tea saved Britain, the East India Corporation would have been so proud! And that other thing you said.

CHRISTINE Um . . . go team?

TONBERRY Well done young lady. Now, we must depart, there’s a suspicious buildup of algaeintheThamesthatcouldbethefirstwaveinanaquaticattackonthe capital. Glass, bring the van around!

CHRISTINE Woah, wait a minute, wait!

TONBERRY Yes?

CHRISTINE You’re not getting away that easily. Until my insurance comes through I’ve got nowhere to stay, that makes me your problem.

GLASS She has a point.

TONBERRY Well . . . I suppose there is an opening for a third member of our team. Have you any experience as a scullery maid?

CHRISTINE We’ll talk about it in the van.

TONBERRY Excellent. Away we go!

SOUND CUE #30 – They leave triumphant.

CREDITS. END.

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