chalkboard china featured in december issue of stepmom magazine

PLUSThe Urban

Stepmom’s First Christmas Fit for a

Rockefeller

Mediation 101

Lessons from a Newborn

The Stylish Stepmom’s Holiday Gift Guide

d e c e m b e r 2 0 1 1

Survival Tips for Messy Moments

haPPier hoLidayS Learn Acceptance

and Develop New Traditions

PEACEMAKINGHow No Response

Speaks Volumes

About to Call it Quits?

Think Outside the Box

December Features11 drama and the Messy Moment

by wedneSday martin, ph.d.

A holiday survival guide for women in repartnerships with children.

15 When You Want to quit, it May be Time to Think Outside the Boxby mary KeLLy-wiLLiamS, m.a.

Ways to create space in your stepfamily when the pressure, chaos and problems are bigger than you can handle.

19 acceptance is the Key to Making Your Holidays Happierby SuSan SwanSon, LcSw, bcd

A personal account of learning patience and accep-tance and how to celebrate what you have.

21 The Gift of No Responseby heather hetchLer

A lesson from the guys in keeping the peace.

23 Remodel Your Life From the inside Out: always do Your Bestby peggy noLan, m.a., ryt

The last part of our 12-month series on self-improvement cheers the eff ort of always trying to be your best self.

december 2011

publisher and Founderbrenda ockun

[email protected]

art directormelissa beth Kelly

www.melissabethkelly.com

Copy editormary e. mccrank

[email protected]

Web designer/programmerKen bass

[email protected]

© 2008-2011 StepMom Magazine is a

division of Stepmom enterprises.all rights reserved.

The Mission of StepMom Magazine

⊲ to help women successfully manage their roles, responsibilities and emotions as stepmoms.

⊲ to provide stepmoms informa-tion and tools that can improve and enhance their interpersonal relationships—and therefore help marriages thrive and succeed.

⊲ to provide women a supportive, safe and non-judgmental envi-ronment where they can freely discuss and gain insight about their unique role.

⊲ to increase society’s knowledge, awareness and understanding about steplife and, as a result, dispel negative perceptions about stepmothers and stepfamilies.

Find Us on Facebookwww.facebook.com/Stepmommagazine

Follow Us on Twitter@Stepmommagazine

December Departments4 Brenda’s Corner

Letter from the publisher.

5 MailboxReaders respond to the November issue, as well as tell us what’s on their wish list.

6 Urban StepmomLisa Bagshaw looks back to her first Christmas as a stepmom.

8 Time OutEmily Bouchard, MSSW, on bringing light to the darkest time of the year

9 Legal MattersLara Badain, Esq. on mediation and how it can help.

25 OutlookEvents, Resources and Community.

26 House RulesTara Eisenhard with her wish list for structure in her stepfamily.

28 Stepmom MemoirsLaura Petherbridge learns new lessons from newborn members of the family.

29 From the KitchenThe staff of Stepmom magazine offers up their favorite desserts.

32 Stylish StepmomHeidi Ducato offers up a holiday gift guide with her favorite Facebook finds.

34 Crafts with Your StepkidsWendy L. Deppe with some holiday crafts.

36 My Journal

37 Words of Wisdom

our dECEMbEr CovEr GIrlMeet Jessica!Jessica Guyer of Port Royal, Pennsylvania, is a stepmom to a 10-year old girl and mother to a 7-year old boy. She and her husband have been together for two and a half years, married for one year and have full custody of both children. Jessica says: “Being a stepmom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life—and that’s saying a lot considering I have a full-time job, a part-time job/hobby and a child with Asperger’s syndrome.

I discovered StepMom Magazine at a time when I was completely frustrated and stressed. Slowly, through time and each monthly edition, my stress and frustrations started to melt away. One day this year, I had an epiphany and realized I was over the hump! I now have a healthier marriage and family and accept my position gracefully. It doesn’t matter if anyone else recognizes my role because I do.

Being a stepmom has helped my relationship with my son’s stepmom. My stepdaughter can’t see her mom very often, so I made sure I took my stepdaughter to her mom’s house on a surprise trick or treat visit, which was well received. A few

years ago, I became a stepdaughter, so my

next challenge is learning how

to be a better stepdaughter.”

I hope by the time you receive this issue of StepMom Magazine, you are fi nding some time for yourself in between the holidays that bring families together over food, gifts and visits from out-of-town family members.

I also hope that the tips and solutions in last month’s issue helped you get through the fi rst round of the end-of-year holidays. The December issue offers even more tools for how to handle the stress.

It is unfortunate that the holidays sometimes bring with them drama, especially to stepfamilies, when they should simply be a time of joy. The important thing to know is that you are not in this alone. Stepmothers everywhere are dealing with similar scenarios and learning important life skills that will assist them in overcoming these challenges.

When I read the articles and advice columns for this issue, I could relate to nearly every author. Some of the authors brought me back to my early days as a stepmom and helped me realize how far I’ve come on this journey. I hope that wherever you are on your stepmom journey this holiday season, you fi nd this month’s articles of help.

My wish for all of us in 2012 is that we stand up for ourselves, cele-brate who we are and fi nd balance in our hectic lives.

I wish you all a Happy Holiday and a Happy New Year!

“ Stepmothers everywhere are dealing with similar scenarios and lEArNING IMPortANt lIFE SKIllS that will assist them in overcoming these challenges.”

Brenda OckunPublisher and Founder

4© 2011 Stepmom magazine

wish listWe asked our Facebook followers what’s on their wish lists this season....An amazing week full of tradition and memories. Cookies, gingerbread houses, looking at lights and deco-rating. And a Nespresso machine!

—AMY

For things to go as so carefully planned between our three house-holds, a great holiday photo, a simple morning with our boys, and a new pair of shoes.

—LAUREL

For the ex to fi nd a great guy and begin a new life.

—AMY

#1 on my wish list is to get a Holiday picture of my two girls and my two stepsons to send out to all of our family and friends.

—CARRIE

My holiday wish is for a wonderful day with no fi ghting with my husband and four stepchildren!

—STEPHANIE

A massage and a hot chocolate. —HEATHER

We get more time with my step-daughters this year. We’ve only had them one day for the whole break, now we get half the break! I just want everyone to have fun and enjoy our increased time together!

–DEANNA

Mailb xL e T T e R S T O T H e e d i T O R

the November Issueas always, the november issue of StepMom Magazine contained many good, timely articles that got me thinking. and as is usually the case, my favorite was from wednesday martin. Something about her style really strikes a cord with me! in her article (“have a good enough holiday Season”), she off ers understanding, sympathy, validation and most impor-tantly for me, practical, real world advice and examples. after reading her articles, or her book Stepmonster for that matter, i always feel a little less crazy, a little less “selfi sh” for wanting to have my thoughts and feelings matter as much as those of my husband and his kids, and i have concrete ideas of things that i can do diff erently to improve my life that will benefi t my dh (dear husband) and his kids too.

this year my dh and i are hosting thanksgiving at our house and having dh’s family and my family all together to celebrate for the fi rst time since we married four years ago (all 20 of us!!). i am Very thankful for the opportunity to establish some of our own traditions while honoring the existing traditions of both families. i am Very thankful for supportive parents and brothers who have always accepted my stepkids as niece/nephew/grandchildren (through this magazine, i now realize that not everyone has that luxury). and i am Very thankful for a fabulous mother-in-law who is also a stepmom and has given me invaluable advice while simultaneously giving me the room to make my own mistakes and fi nd my own way.

—FROM THE STEPMOM MAGAZINE FORUM

i’ve gotten consumed by every issue of StepMom Magazine i’ve read. not all articles apply to me but it’s fantastic to have those monthly reminders that what i’m feeling is normal...and that monthly reminder that it’s okay to back out of situations with the ex and let things work themselves out. i choose articles for my boyfriend to read, or i read parts to him that i care about. i read heather hetchler’s three-part “Jealousy” series to him, and it really helped us put his daughter’s behavior into perspective. we’ve now set up a new mid-week father/daughter night and are hopeful that will help all of us better deal with jealousy issues.

—SUBSCRIBER ALISON

lEttErS to thE EdItor should be emailed to [email protected]. Letters may be edited for space or clarity. If you wish to remain anonymous, please let us know in your submission.


L i S a B aG S H aW ’ S Ta K e O N S T e p M O M L i F e

Stepmom’s First Christmas Where Naive Expectations Meet New Realities

by LiSa bagShaw

Not too long ago, I would be spending my time off at Christmas up at a friend’s ranch in northern British Columbia. I would finish

work early and my Border collie, Dexter, and I would hit the road for the six-hour drive into a winter wonderland.

I would leave behind my condo, empty of festive decorations—not even a tree.

Several other kidless friends would do the same. We would spend the days cross-country skiing, horseback riding and sleigh riding. At night, we would cook huge feasts for each other and bundle up and sit outside by the fire pit drinking wine into the wee hours and then enjoy sleeping in the next day.

This is how I spent Christmas for about eight years, in peaceful bliss. Then I met my husband and his 4-year-old twin boys and let’s just say Christmas, among all holidays, was no longer the same.

best-laid PlansIn my usual, can-do new stepmom spirit, I threw myself into creating a Christmas fit for a Rockefeller. I hit the mall every night to shop for the best gifts, decorated the house and tree in shiny new baubles and prepared a feast and table that would have made even Martha proud. I had no previous experience with any of this, but I knew I had to make my first Christmas with the kids spectacular. I even bought matching pajamas for all four of us to wake up in on Christmas morning. I had the whole thing planned by the minute and hoped everyone would be impressed and

I decorated the house and tree in shiny new baubles and prepared a feast and table that would hAvE MAdE EvEN MArthA Proud.


have the best Christmas ever! Now on my eighth Christmas, I can see how

back then I set myself up for disappointment and a pity party of epic proportion.

There were so many first-time stepmom factors for which I had not accounted. First of all, the twins’ parents could not agree on how they were going to divide the kids’ time on Christmas. Who was going to get them on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and Christmas dinner? There was a lot of drama that I had not expected. Then there was talk that we would all spend Christmas together—the boys, their mom and her boyfriend, their dad and his girlfriend. My vision of the perfect family Christmas was slowly chipping away into “A Nightmare on Elm Street.”

There also was the issue of gifts for the kids. I had excitedly bought lots of gifts for the boys only to find out that I had to run them by their mom so she didn’t either get them the same thing or something of lesser value. This was becoming very complicated.

Managing ExpectationsWhen things finally got sorted out and the four of us were sitting around admiring (in my dreams) the perfectly decorated house for Christmas Eve, I brought out the matching pajamas. Not only did everyone refuse to participate in this fun new tradition, but

one of the boys turned to their dad and said, “She’s not staying the night, is she?”

That was it. I politely excused myself and took my rum and eggnog to the bathroom, locked the door and took a long bath.

Years later, I have learned that it isn’t that no one appreciates my efforts or values what I have given up to create a life with children who are not my own. Rather, I have learned that Christmas and other holidays are not about me. This is a tough pill for a new and eager childless stepmom to accept. Christmas can be a time of great emotional turmoil for everyone in a new family dynamic, and it is up to the stepmom to be sensitive and respectful of the transition, not only so she doesn’t wind up locking herself in the bath-room for hours on special occasions but also because it is the best gift she can give everyone involved.

I still try to create a wondrous Christmas experience for the kids and my family, but my expectations are different. I do it more for my own sense of pride and enjoyment and because deep down I know the boys appre-ciate the continuity of Christmas traditions. I feel good knowing they feel warm, safe and loved on Christmas.

It isn’t a fancy-free time—like cavorting in the snow with my childless friends—but there is a depth of importance of the stepmom’s role that brings a deeper meaning and new sense of giving to this time of year. And isn’t that what it’s all about? O

lISA bAGShAw is an Urban Stepmom (successful, childless career woman who meets a man with kids later in life) who married for the first time at 43. She balances a demanding career in media and life with her hus band,

twin 10-year-old stepsons, a dog and two cats in Vancouver, BC. Catch her lessons learned at blog www.urbanstepmom.com or on Twitter at @urbanstepmom. She is currently writing a book, A Survival Guide for the Urban Stepmom and is open to any and all tips.

Not only did everyone rEFuSE to PArtICIPAtE in this fun new tradition, but one of the boys turned to their dad and said, “She’s

not staying the night, is she?”


brighten upBringing Light to the Darkest Time of the Year

by emiLy bouchard, mSSw

Are you finding that holiday joys are being impacted by stress, money

woes and shorter days? Are you finding that tempers are beginning to flare and fuses are short in your stepfamily?

A simple, low-cost and vital way to shift moods and bring more enjoyment to this time of year is to focus on your light. Stepmoms are in a unique position to bring warmth and affection onto their families and into their homes in delib-erate, specific ways.

A stepmother’s well-being dramatically improves when she realizes that her light—comprised of her brilliance, gifts, warmth and love—is not diminished in the slightest when she offers her light to the lives and hearts of all the members of her family.

The sharing of one’s light is best accomplished by:

⊲ Remembering that the joy of giving a gift is in the giving, not in being attached to how it is received.

⊲ Not taking the responses (or lack thereof) personally. They will do what they do.

The key is to be who you are and enjoy yourself. Be open to including your family members if they choose to join you—and prepare yourself for the fact that they may not want to.

I encourage stepmothers I coach to consider what aspects of the holidays matter most to them and to make their inner light shine even more brightly. For some, it’s as simple as stringing lights around the windows and trees and bringing that feeling of warmth and light into their home.

For others, it is finding beau-tiful candles for the menorah and creating a sacred, special time when each is lit or the music that brings cheer into the home.

Still, for others, it is the delight they feel in taking out favorite holiday recipes and making dishes and baked goods that remind them of happier times when they were sharing the love of the holidays with their mothers or grandmothers.

What is it for you?Being curious about what

matters most to you can also open up a conversation with your stepchildren and your spouse or partner about what matters most to them as well. Using this time of year to explore and discover even more about each other is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your family—espe-cially when you can connect around a few key things that matter to all of you and look at ways of incorporating those things into your rituals and new traditions.

Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays.

The more open you are to learning ways that brighten your days during this time of year, the more joy and less stress all of you will experience. O

EMIly bouChArd founded www.blended-families.com to provide tools to dramatically improve relationships in blended families. A leading

expert in the field, Emily has been featured on numerous TV and Radio shows including The Today Show and NPR, and has been quoted in print around the world, in publica-tions such as Newsweek and The New York Times. Photo by Melissa MerMin, www.MelissaMerMin.coM.


lArA bAdAIN, ESq. is an attorney specializing in mari-tal and family law. She is licensed to practice in New York State and the State of California. To contact Lara directly for a personal consultation, call: 585-385-2510.

Legal MattersL a R a B a da i N , e S q . a N S W e R S YO U R L e G a L q U e S T i O N S

The views or opinions expressed in this column are not intended as legal advice to be relied upon by the reader. It is highly recom-mended that readers consult with their own legal counsel in their state of residency for specific legal advice. StepMom Magazine is not an attorney referral service nor does it make any recommendations or endorsements of the use of any attorney’s services.

Mediation 101

After recently completing a lengthy training course on mediation, I thought it might be helpful to share some information about

the concept and benefits of mediation as it applies specifically to family and divorce conflict resolution.

What is mediation? Mediation is an alternative way to resolve disputes and can be applicable in many areas of law: family and divorce, family business, general busi-ness, labor, educational and others. With respect to the resolution of conflict in family and divorce matters, mediation can offer a welcome alternative to traditional litiga-tion and the court system—which is typically expensive, time consuming and often does not allow the parties to participate directly in the outcome of their case. In other words, the judge will make the decisions for you—on some of the most important issues affecting your life.

Conversely, mediation is based on the principles of self-determination and active participation. A mediator acts as a neutral third party to facilitate a conversation between you and the person with whom you need to reach agreement. As the process develops, the mediator helps you learn and understand the information you need to make well-informed choices; helps you weigh your options and explore resources to assist you in making decisions; facilitates commu-nication as conflict arises; helps you reduce your agreement to writing; and, thereafter, the mediator assists in selecting an appro-priate professional (in the case of family and divorce matters—an attorney) to advise you and finalize the paperwork.

Mediation: ⊲ Is entirely voluntary—nothing is imposed

on you, you make the decisions which will affect you;

⊲ Is generally less expensive than litigation and the participants share in the cost of one mediator;

⊲ Is also generally less costly emotionally as the parties work together to reach a mutually acceptable resolution;

⊲ Fosters respect and cooperation as opposed to antagonism and contentiousness;

⊲ Usually takes less time to complete—the schedule is determined by you;

⊲ Offers freedom of choice and creativity—agreements are determined by the parties based on their individual needs, not the impo-sition of someone else’s values (like a judge’s);

⊲ Works for both low- and high-conflict parties—mediators are conflict resolution specialists trained to facilitate conversations where conflict exists. Mediation actually tends to de-escalate conflict.

One might assume that an attorney would be less likely to advocate for the mediation


Legal Matters

process because, simply put, it undercuts their livelihood. That may be true for some attorneys, but not for me. I have always been a proponent of mediation, especially when it comes to family related disputes. No one knows or understands better the issues that families face than the family members them-selves. Why should they entrust their family’s future to unknown third parties (lawyers and judges) when they can determine their course themselves? Obviously, in these situ-ations conflict is present, and in some cases the courts and litigation is unavoidable. But mediators are trained to handle conflict and despite the most opposing viewpoints, if people are willing to listen and remain open to possibilities, even the most seem-ingly adversarial parties can benefit from mediation.

In New York, mediators are not regulated by the state. There is no licensing require-ment or other government oversight. That is why it is so important to do your research before choosing a mediator. You must choose someone who understands both the concept of mediation and the underlying substantive issues and law. Some attorneys are trained mediators and can be a great option as they are obviously familiar with the underlying substantive law. In addition, attorneys who are not opposed to the idea of mediation can be great referral sources and know of mediators (both attorney and non-attorney) who are well-trained and educated. In summary, it can be a most rewarding experience to participate in the resolution of your own conflict in a responsible and satisfying way. O


AMAdr

How many times has it happened to you?

After weeks, months or even years of negoti-

ating, arguing and “working on it” with your husband or partner, his daughter, over dinner with grandma and grandpa, asks, “Dad, can I have $300 for my senior trip to Cancun?” Or his ex “dumps” the kids on your doorstep just as you’re departing for a romantic weekend away. Or an adult stepchild with a substance abuse issue shows up for the family holiday party at your place drunk or high. Or maybe it’s as simple—but as fraught—as a neighbor asking you and your partner, while you’re out for a walk, “Kids aren’t here for the holiday? How come?”

And your husband does or says the wrong thing. He covers for the adult kid who is high, or makes excuses

a hoLiday SUrvivaL GUide

for Women in Repartnerships with

Children

by wedneSday martin, ph.d.

a n d T h e M e S S y M o M e n T

drAMA


for him and says you’re “too harsh.” He tells his daughter, “Sure sweetie, we can help you with that” because he is too conflicted—and too embarrassed in front of his parents—to punt the question until you two can discuss it in private. He cancels your romantic getaway on a dime because this is his child and this is his child’s home, too, and his child’s mom says he has to stay here this weekend. He’s making the best decision he can under pres-sure. Or, after the neighbor or acquaintance asks the insensitive question, he gets sad—and then gets mad at you, accusing you of “changing everything in my relationship with my kids so they won’t even come here.”

recognizing the Messy MomentThe holidays may be all about good cheer, but for those of us in repartnerships with children, they also have their share of what I have come to think of as Messy Moments. A Messy Moment is an instance when you and your partner are caught off guard, and your agenda comes up against that of his kids, his parents, his ex or him, with a resounding thud. Often, angry accusations and the falling into old patterns follow. You’ll know you’re falling prey to Messy Moments if you hear yourself saying things like:

“You always let your ex rain on our parade! Why didn’t you stand up to her this time?!”

“You promised not to give your kids money over and above the separation agree-ment without talking to me about it first—but you just did it again!”

“Why would you let him be drunk/high around us and our kids? Haven’t we talked about this a million times?!”

“I can’t believe you’re back to blaming me for complaining about what they do and saying I’m the problem, rather than holding your kids and ex accountable. I can’t take this anymore!”

why do we have Messy Moments?The Messy Moment happens when we make a less than ideal decision or deviate from a

previous promise or commitment because we are afraid of looking bad in front of others, we forget a previous agreement we made with a partner, are worried we might hurt a child or adult child’s feelings, feel pressured to decide something right this instant, or (in the case of the neighbor’s question) allow ourselves to get “triggered” or activated by an unresolved or lingering and emotionally painful issue.

The Messy Moment is the mother of all drama, the place and time where our issues as individuals, couples and family systems come together in a big, overwhelming-seeming jumble that can leave us with knots in our stomachs and anger in our chests.

Give the Messy Moment the heave-hoNow what? Rather than falling prey to the Messy Moment, step back. The goal here is to come up with a plan to take the pressure off him and you when it comes to interac-tions with his kids and his ex. “Sure,” you’re thinking right now as you roll your eyes. “That should be easy.”

Actually, it can be. Here’s how. First, calmly in your mind, think through the issues you would most like to address together. Find a stress-free time to tell your husband you are committed to standing by him and supporting him in stressful situations and that you want to come up with a plan that

A Messy Moment is an instance when you ANd your PArtNEr ArE CAuGht oFF GuArd, and your agenda comes up against that of his kids, his parents, his ex or him, with a resounding thud.


will help you both and strengthen your bond. Ask him to help you come up with a day and time when you can give this exercise half an hour or so together.

At your first session, you can usher in a spirit of collaboration by acknowledging that like all remarriages with children, yours has some issues. By listing those issues and addressing them as a team, you can take away some of their divisive power and actually come together as a couple. Tell your partner you want to start by and stick to simply listing problems, not perceived failings or personality flaws. Not “You are too permissive with your son,” but “John comes to our house drunk/high and that is unhealthy for him, us and our children.” Not “You don’t want me to have a relationship with my kids,” rather “I would like to have an open-door policy for my kids visiting and you want them to ask first.” You might have to practice restating each problem in the most non-accusatory language possible!

After you have whittled down your issues—try to keep it to the four or five that recur and matter the most—check in with each other. Congratulations are in order if you have achieved this without attacking one another. Your next task is to propose constructive solutions to each issue and let your husband or partner do the same. No blaming language or “you always, you never” language is allowed for this or any other part of the work. No “kitchen sinking,” either—throwing in a jab like, “Your mother is even worse than my ex,” for example, or, “Last year at your daughter’s wedding you…” Forget it. Stick to the task. Together. (Keep in mind that 20 minutes or half an hour at a time is enough for some couples. If you have to walk away from the work and schedule a time the next day or the next week to continue, make sure you end on a high note. “I thought it was great that you suggested/agreed with me that when your ex calls during dinner time or on date night, it goes to voicemail as a rule. Thanks for that.” Or, “I don’t think we’re so far apart on the issue of Y. That makes me feel hopeful and relieved.”)

Make Sure your Asks are reasonableSome possible behavior-based solutions to problems that seem insurmountable and endlessly recurring might include:

“I will let my son know before his next visit that if he is drunk or high in our home, he will have to leave.” Maybe you think his son should be in rehab, but what can you do about that? Limiting your Asks helps your case and is fair all around.

“If my ex calls and says we ‘have to’ take the kids at a time we are not supposed to/when we have a plan to go away, I will not agree until I speak to you first.” You’re not asking him to see less of his kids, but to treat you as a partner in decisions about time together and/or to factor in that you had another plan and now must figure out together what to do next.

“I will tell my children they cannot leave wet towels on the floor when they are in our home, and that it is their responsibility to set the table before dinner, and put their own dishes in the dishwasher. If they do not, they will get a warning. The next time, the consequence will be X.” You’re step-ping out of the line of fire here, giving your husband an opportunity to parent effectively and reducing the likelihood that he will say, “What? I didn’t know they were supposed to do that.”

As for you, how about this: “I promise that if you make a mistake in terms of sticking to the things we have in our agreement, I will not yell, and I will not put you down. I will not say ‘You always’ or ‘You never.’ I promise

At your first session, you can usher in a spirit of collaboration by acknowledging that lIKE All rEMArrIAGES wIth ChIldrEN, yours has some issues.


to couch my criticism or unhappiness in constructive language.”

Your goal here is collaboration and clarity. The purpose is to head off misunderstand-ings at the pass and have a guideline that makes potentially fraught moments and interactions simpler.

Put It In writingAny therapist who works with remarrieds with kids will tell you that they often hear them complain of their spouses, “She totally reneged on her promise!” or, “He has told me a hundred times he will do X, but then he doesn’t!”

When a task or commitment is unpleasant—“I will tell my ex that I am not picking up her calls and will only communicate via email”; “I will not give my grown-up son money without consulting with my partner first”; “As frustrated as I am by this pattern, I will not yell when it happens”—we might actually “forget” a promise or something we have agreed to. This tendency, combined with the pressure of the Messy Moment, makes it imperative that you put the guidelines for difficult situ-ations you and your partner came up with together IN WRITING. And print it out. Two copies. And sign it. And refer to it. And remind one another about it. Your guide-lines or contract can clarify how to deal with the inevitable Messy Moments of steplife. Another upside: When there is a contract, there is no need to nag, only to say, “It’s in our agreement, remember?”

Look for sample partner agree-ments, contracts and guidelines on my website (www.wednesdaymartin.com). And remember you might need a profes-

sional therapist to help you come up with an agreement that works for you both. But once you have done it, you have a living document you can both refer to and even change over time as the situation on the ground evolves. Eventually, the Messy Moment won’t be so threatening, and holidays and other “all together now” events may well feel less like a test and more like a real pleasure! O

wEdNESdAy MArtIN, Ph.d., is a social researcher and the author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do (2009). She is a regular contributor to Psychology Today (www.psychology today.com/blog/stepmonster) and blogs for the Huffington Post and on her own website (www.wednesdaymartin.com). She has appeared as a stepparenting expert on NPR, the BBC Newshour, Fox News and NBC Weekend Today and was a regular contributor to the New York Post’s parenting page. Stepmonster was a finalist in the parenting category of the 2010 “Books for a Better Life”

award. A stepmother for a decade, Wednesday lives in New York City with her husband and two sons. Her stepdaughters are young adults.

Eventually, thE MESSy

MoMENt woN’t bE So

thrEAtENING, and holidays

and other “all together now”

events may well feel less

like a test and more like

a real pleasure!


When yoU WanT When yoU WanT When yoU WanT When yoU WanT When yoU WanT When yoU WanT When yoU WanT When yoU WanT When yoU WanT To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May To QUiT, iT May

Be TiMe To...Be TiMe To...Be TiMe To...

This message is for those of you who have had it. You’re exhausted, you’re hurt, you’re angry and you

are so close to calling your marriage quits and don’t know where else to turn. The fi rst thing that comes out of your mouth is, “I had no idea it would be like this.” You’ve been working at it for what seems to be a ridiculously long time and you’re over it. Done. Stick me with a fork kind of stuff.

You had good intentions. You loved the man with whom you chose to partner. You gladly accepted the responsibilities that you thought went along with the title stepmother. The two of you entered as a team, hand in hand, vowing that your family would be merging, that you would love his kids and that if you had any they would love him. You thought to yourself that surely any child could use more people in their lives to

love them, and you felt ready for the task.

You jumped in headfi rst with resolve and enthusiasm. You were more than capable of doing this. You helped your partner with his children. You drove them to their soccer games, picked them up from school, washed their clothes and made numerous attempts to connect with them so they would know that you cared.

You took the role of stepmother

by mary KeLLy-wiLLiamS, m.a.


seriously. It had the word mother in it, after all, so surely that’s what it meant, despite that you were child-less. Your heart and efforts were continual and wholehearted.

And then reality set in. Let’s be honest. Reality can be a bitch.

Weeks, months, even years later, it dawned on you that you could no longer see the forest through the trees. You felt swallowed up by the continual intrusion of the ex, the resentment and disrespect of your partner’s kids and your partner’s seemingly permissive and casual nature. You felt unheard and disre-spected when he chose his children over you, time after time after time. And you began to wonder what the hell you were doing with your life. You lost connection with you.

So, you hit a wall and began to think about leaving. You had made a mistake of gargantuan nature. Yes, you loved the man. That’s what seduced you into the whole crazy system in the first place. You dated, you were lovers, you were connected and he was your soul mate. But then you found yourself having a hard time even looking at him. The thought of knowing his children were on their way over made your heart race and prompted the desire to want to run and escape for parts unknown.

Your friends and relatives who weren’t part of a stepfamily system were of no help. “You knew it was a package deal when you married him,” they would say with such casualness and dismissiveness you had to fight the urge to not reach across the table and strangle them.

And you felt guilty and full of shame. “What kind of horrible

person am I? I don’t even like his kids, let alone love them!” And the judgment voices inside your head got louder and louder as they screamed, “What kind of a selfish person are you?”

Sound familiar? Yes, I know, it sounds more than familiar. And let me be the first, or the tenth or the thousandth person to tell you, no, you are not a horrible person. You are normal.

Acceptance and GuileBelieve it or not, there’s hope. But in order for there to be hope, you will need to think outside the box. So often in second families, we bring the first-family model into the marriage. We act as if we are a first family and therefore if there is enough love—because surely love conquers all, and we are inherently loving people—our love will be big enough to disarm the messy and complicated system into which we so voluntarily entered.

But there are some situations we enter into, such as drug abuse, pregnancy, mental illness or bullying by one stepchild to another, that are

most certainly out of our control. You would be doing a great

service to yourself to be kind and accept that you are not Mary Poppins and Mother Teresa rolled into one, despite the strong desire of your husband for you to be so. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I’ve worked with many the couple that came into session at the end of their rope and had sadly come to the conclusion that their only option was divorce.

Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. Let me offer a couple of last-resort techniques that may save your marriage. Remember that? You and your partner must remember that because it’s the reason you’re together in the first place. And don’t forget that you are modeling marriage to all the chil-dren involved and that as a couple you must take responsibility for preserving that marriage if there is a way to do that.

The marriage must come first. Period. Yes, you have primary responsibility for your children, and your partner has responsi-bility for his. But we don’t need to

thE MArrIAGE MuSt CoME FIrSt. PErIod. Yes, you have primary responsibility for your children, and your partner has responsibility for his. But we don’t need to have to become the sacrificial lamb for a system that brings so much dysfunction into it...


have to become the sacrificial lamb for a system that brings so much dysfunction into it or the dysfunc-tion that may arise during it. And you don’t have to make the home a kidcentric one out of guilt, fear or shame. And you don’t have to cater to the guilt and shame of your husband because he chose to, in his first marriage, marry someone who either turned out to be crazy, alcoholic or drug dependent—or whatever long list of reasons the first marriage didn’t work out to begin with.

You are not God and you are not going to be the savior for anyone else’s children. It is your partner’s mess to clean up. The focus must be returned to the reason why you got together in the first place.

Remember that? That time when you fell madly in love? When you just knew you couldn’t live without this man in your life?

For any stepcouple, there must be date night and there must be a partner who is willing to back you and support you in front of his chil-dren. Your partner must learn to, at the minimum, teach his children Basic Etiquette 101 when you are all in the home. You must be acknowl-edged, thanked for what you do and treated like a decent human being.

You must find a therapist who understands the intricate compli-cations of stepfamily life and, quite frankly, a pitiful few exist. You must gain support from other stepmothers who get it so you understand you are not alone and

not the Spawn of Satan as your stepchildren or even your husband might imply.

And for many of you, you must get space from the chaos, the diffi-culties and the acting out of chil-dren toward you when truly their anger would be more appropriately directed at their parents, where it most likely belongs.

This is when it’s time to think outside the box. Allow me to elaborate. A separation for a first family is quite different than creating separate spaces for the couple in a second family. Creating separate spaces for the subsequent marriage, whether it’s the second or the fourth, can literally save the marriage. There are different ways to create this space.

And for many of you, you MuSt GEt SPACE FroM thE ChAoS, thE dIFFICultIES ANd thE ACtING out of children toward you when truly their anger would be more appropriately directed at their parents, where it most likely belongs.


outside the box tipsHere are some different ways to create space in your stepfamily when the pressure, chaos and prob-lems of it are bigger than you and your marriage is about to become yet another dismal statistic:

⊲ EStAblISh bouNdArIES. Make sure you have appropriate bound-aries as it relates to your partner’s children. Make sure you are not trying to clean up a mess that is not yours to clean up. Make sure that when you do volunteer to do some-thing, you do so because you want to, not because you fear your partner will be mad or upset with you.

⊲ tAKE FrEquENt brEAKS ANd tIME AloNE. Many stepmothers who find themselves with oppositional stepchildren through no fault of their own or their spouses, choose to plan other activities for themselves when the children are present in the home. This could be as minimal as spending more time in one’s room (although this could quickly feel like a time out, and that’s not going to work) or use the time to pursue careers, activi-ties, time with friends or just plain self-care while allowing your partner to be responsible for the care and needs of his children. He most likely managed it before he met you, and he can certainly manage it once again.

⊲ MAINtAIN A dIFFErENt rESI-dENCE. Yes, you heard me. I’ve worked with couples who have realized that due to the difficulties occurring with the children of one of the partners (drugs, pregnancy, mental disorders, etc.) that the only way to save the marriage was to live apart during the times that the parent had their children living with

them. For example, I knew of one childfree woman who maintained her apartment when she married her husband. The week he had parenting time with his sons was the week she stayed in her apart-ment. The week that he didn’t, she joined him in their marital home. I know this sounds drastic, but remember the wisdom of the adage, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Honestly, any marriage—first, second or otherwise—would do well to have more time and space apart. It is not something to fear but to welcome, and for many this last resort has been a marriage saver.

⊲ IGNorE thE CrItICS. Don’t care about what other people think, including the children. You married or chose to be with your partner despite the presence of his children, not because of them. Even the people you are closest to can be judgmental, and it is a fundamental task of our develop-ment as human beings to learn to not care about what other people think about the choices we need to make in order to be true and authentic to ourselves.

⊲ doN’t bE A MArtyr. Piggy-backing on No. 4, becoming a martyr leads to illness, resentment,

anger and, ultimately, divorce. I worked with a couple who operated in different homes for 10 years as I described above, and guess what? They had a fantastic marriage!

⊲ thINK loNG tErM. Remember, that everything is temporary. Yes, it really is. The goal is to get these kids out of the house and into the world and finally be able to enjoy your life and time with your spouse.

G et creative. Get solution oriented. Know that during times of intensity, it’s

natural to want to run away. But when you and yours are willing to focus on the relationship and the value of it, it’s more than possible to walk through the fire to get to the other side. You just may need to think outside the box to get there. O

MAry KElly-wIllIAMS, M.A., is a therapist, mother of four and ally to her husband’s daughter. Mary practices in Boulder, Colorado, and regularly conducts

workshops for couples and women with stepchildren. As well as in-person coun-seling, Mary offers telephone stepparent coaching. For more information, visit her website: www.marriedwithbaggage.com.

Additional resourceFor more support on this, i work with many stepmothers and step-couples through Skype, phone or Facetime to help with the many challenges and difficulties that occur in second families. because so many lack the resources near them geographically, i have found great success when working in this technological medium. For more information, visit www.marriedwithbaggage.com. Feel free to call or email for a complimentary 15-minute consultation.


Nine years ago, I discovered my husband had never had a birthday party given for him. As the new girlfriend and the replacer of all things he never had, I

decided to have a party for him, and his 15-year-old daughter agreed it was a great idea. We were going to do it together. How fun! It would be the fi rst event we planed together for her dad. We had a common goal. She wanted him to have a girlfriend, and now here I was. However, there was so much I was about to learn. My boyfriend’s daughter, who was talented and creative in her own right, held back every time I asked for her opinion. I thought I broke the ice when we went shopping together and she got to pick out the colors and paper products (I even let her pick the Over the Hill birthday plates, even though I personally didn’t think he was over any hill, exactly).

I was continually experiencing resistance. A conversation would be ignored about the party and then she was off to her mother’s. So, I would make certain decisions, and when she came back we would talk about it. She rarely had an opinion. I was becoming so frustrated. The day of the party, she stayed mostly in her room. She would venture out on occasion, tell me things looked nice, but never offering to help. If I asked

by SuSan SwanSon, LcSw, bcd

Acceptanceis theKEY

to Making your Holidays Happier


her to do anything, she would do that one thing and disappear. Fifty people were coming, and it was my first time meeting everyone. I was very nervous, not only about the party coming together but about his enjoyment of the party, my daughter coming and both of us meeting all of his friends and family for the first time. So much pressure.

She was cute and delightful during the party but refused to help. Having a daughter who already hit the 15-year-old phase, I cut her a lot of slack. “Teenagers,” I said to myself. “They say one thing and do another. Getting them to do anything is often like pulling teeth.”

S everal days later, my boyfriend (now my husband of four years), asked me

how it went, so I told him. “Well, no wonder,” he said. “Her mother did everything. She was absolutely in control, and no one could even make a suggestion. She would tell her and her brother what to do every step of the way. They never had to think for themselves.”

Ah! I knew in the ways of control I was very different from her mother and much more like her dad. I was, in fact, expecting her to think for herself and, of course, as the new kid on the block wasn’t going to push her by directing her or getting upset with her. There is always the sense that you’re walking on eggshells at the beginning of these new relationships.

I learned a lot that day. Kids get used to the personalities they grow up with. As my attempts to talk with her about the party were met with, “No, it was fun,” or, “It came out nice,” I had to let it go. It was the beginning of the struggle that would escalate over the next several years, where any of my attempts to help her were rejected by her

simply ignoring me. And what was not so apparent

then was the conflict of loyalty she was caught in as her mother’s birthday—who was always the parent upon which the focused was placed—was three days later.

I am grateful my husband is a realist and didn’t hold expecta-tions that this could have been done differently. She acted friendly and willing to offer her amazing color counsel to decisions for another two years. But eventually the workings of her mother—to get my stepdaughter to view me as a phony and someone only trying to be nice to her because I was with her father—took hold.

W hat have I learned? Well, nothing really except these things happen. If

we were given a chance over time to talk these things through, then this could have become a story she and I shared years later. But when the resistance is there, the nega-tive messages about loyalty are pushed and a complete disinterest in having a relationship becomes more the reality, then your hope for a friendly relationship dies.

With the holidays approaching, my husband and I talked about how much we both wanted a sense of family. He and I share a wonderful relationship with my daughter. His son is navigating the two families after several years of conflictual feelings. While he has shown a desire to be a part of our house-

hold, we have to accept that holi-days pose a special problem for him and are when his loyalty conflicts become very strong and cause him stress.

So, we pick up and create a new sense of family. We always tell each other, “This should have been so much easier,” yet we both know that it isn’t the case. It’s sad. And it’s a loss for us and for the way we hoped we could have moved forward in our lives. Our mutual desire to have holidays filled with love and family had became frac-tured long ago—when we both decided we could no longer function in our previous marriages.

Acceptance. Developing new traditions. Grieving what won’t be there. Moving on.

This is how we will enter our holiday season and—for the first time in years—celebrate what we do have rather than what we can’t have.

I’m going to go decorate now. Happy Holidays! O

SuSAN SwANSoN, lCSw, bCd, is the executive director and founder of The Step-Family Center in Beverly Hills, Calif. She is a noted authority on issues

involving divorce and remarriage with children. “The Susan Swanson Show” is a weekly radio show on The Healthy Life Radio Network: www.healthylife.net. You may contact Susan through her website at www.stepfamilycenter.com.

Acceptance. Developing new traditions.... thIS IS how wE wIll ENtEr our holIdAy SEASoN and—for the first time in years—celebrate what we do have rather than what we can’t have.


The Gift of

by heather hetchLer

Men. Sometimes they drive us crazy, yet we can learn so much from them. I’m blessed by a wonderfully committed

and flexible husband. I’m also thankful to have a good working relationship with my ex-husband. As the holidays draw close, I’m reminded of how my husband contrib-utes to my positive co-parenting relation-ship with my ex-husband and particularly of a situation that occurred last winter that serves as a lesson in peacemaking for all stepmoms.

It was winter break, and my husband and I were in the kitchen enjoying some hot chocolate. He had recently finished snowblowing our driveway and the garage door was still up. Out of the blue, one of my sons walked into the kitchen from the garage announcing he was home to grab his snow pants because dad was taking them sledding.

Hearing commotion in the garage and figuring all the kids were getting their sleds, I opened the door to say hi and give them a hand. Not only were my other three

a Lesson in peacemaking froM The GUyS

No Response


children in the garage collecting their snow gear, but my ex-husband was in there grabbing a sled for himself without asking. He then continued to walk over to the snow-blower and make a few comments to my husband and I about its power capabilities as he pretended to use it. I could feel my husband standing behind me, and I could only imagine what was running through his mind as he watched my ex-husband walk out of the garage with his sled with a thank-you for it and after putting his hands on the snowblower.

I don’t have to be a rocket scien-tist to relate to what just happened. I know that for a guy, having your wife’s ex-husband walk into your garage and take stuff without permission is like our partner’s ex walking into our kitchen and just borrowing some cooking uten-sils or raiding our closet and just borrowing a purse or shoes without asking. It defies logic and unspoken remarriage rules.

After the car drove away, my husband looked at me and jokingly asked, “Did your ex just come into my garage and take my sled without asking and pretend to use my snowblower in my garage? Did I mention it’s my garage?”

“Yes,” I said, feeling guilty for what just occurred even though I have no control over what my ex-husband says or does.

Feeling GuiltyI told my husband I felt bad about what had just happened and thanked him for not saying anything. Inside I was questioning myself, “Did I let my husband down by not saying something to my ex?” I was feeling some self-induced guilt. Then my husband spoke the most gracious words to me and gave me a precious gift.

While I could tell he was irritated, he calmly said to me that while it really upset him that my ex just walked in and helped himself to our stuff without asking, he added that he knew it would do no good to make a big scene. He said, “I realized it is more important for you and for us to have a positive co-parenting relationship with your ex than it is to say something, and I’m not going to put you in the middle to say something to him. It’s not worth rocking the big picture.”

My husband recognized he was upset, but he also recognized that getting upset would serve no purpose.

He was correct in acknowledging that what my ex-husband did was disrespectful, yet he was wise to know that if he had responded in anger or frustration, his response would have created tension for the kids and me and would not have erased what had happened.

A smart stepmom and friend, Debra Rae, once said, “Look at

stepfamily burdens as opportunities for growth.” My husband used this situation as an opportunity to serve me and our family with peace and grace. He took the high road and we all benefited from his choice. Because his response created zero conflict for me, I had the emotional energy to address the situation in a positive way.

Justification vs. tactI can’t guarantee another’s behavior, but I can set up bound-aries to help prevent this type of situation from reoccurring. I sent my ex-husband an email the next day saying that I hoped they had a great time sledding and asked him to either give me a call or email me the next time they are going to do something where they need to stop by and pick up stuff so I can have it ready. While my ex-husband perceived the email as a favor to him, my heart’s true intention was to do a favor for my husband. The motivation behind the email was to help eliminate the possibility that my ex-husband would visit our garage and help himself again.

In the end, my husband had the right to tell my ex-husband to get out of his garage. I had the right to tell my ex-husband that he couldn’t borrow the sled or play with the snowblower. The truth in stepfamily life is that just because you may be justified in saying or doing some-thing doesn’t mean you should say or do it. Often the best choice is to say or do nothing at all. O

hEAthEr hEtChlEr helps stepmoms thrive in their role as the heart of their blended family. She is the Founder of www.CafeSmom.com where she brings positive resources, inspiration and support to stepmothers. CafeSmom offers the only e-shop with products designed exclusively for the stepmom. As a stepmom coach, her pas-sion is to help stepmothers define their own positive path to success. Heather is the host of Stepmom Connection on www.MomTv.com. She

resides in Cleveland with her husband and four children and two stepchildren.

My husband recognized he

was upset, but he also recognized

that getting upset would SErvE No

PurPoSE.


So often I read or hear of stepmoms (and moms) justifying their behavior. “I did this because ...”

or “I said that to her because ...” No matter what our role, mom or stepmom, we’re trying to justify how we behave because in the dark corner of our lives we know that we truly did not do our best. When a carpenter needs to justify a wall, it’s

because the wall is crooked. When you need to justify your behavior, it’s because you’re crooked.

I’ve been crooked. When I wasn’t doing my best, I was justifying my behavior because I needed to be seen as a better parent than my stepkids’ mom or because I needed to be liked or approved of. No doubt, this was a tiring way for me to operate. I wasn’t doing my best. I

Remodel Your Life From the

Inside Outa 12-Month Series

on Stepmom Self-improvement

JANuAry Be Yourself

FEbruAry Be an Observer

MArCh Mind Your Mind

APrIl Be Curious

MAy Necessary

Conversations

JuNE/July Think, Speak and act with integrity

& don’t Take it personally

AuGuSt Cultivate an

attitude of Gratitude

SEPtEMbEr Focus on

Forgiveness

oCtobEr accept What is

NovEMbEr Your Life is Your Choice

dECEMbEr always do Your Best

Always Do Your Best

by peggy noLan, m.a., ryt

“If you always do your best, you can never judge yourself.”

—don migueL ruiz


wasn’t being who I am. My behavior was false, fake and phony. If you are justifying your behavior or vilifying the other woman, you are not doing your best. In fact, you’re a fake and you rally others to your cause so that you can hide behind your justness and righteousness.

Ouch. Double ouch. I know. It kind of

sets your teeth on edge to be called out. It’s a tough pill to swallow from someone else who doesn’t know your situation, circumstances or what you’ve put up with for however long you’ve been with your man.

When you and I hide behind our justness, when you and I opt to be right rather than happy, when you and I are not doing our best, then you and I are denying ourselves and each other the right to be who we are.

What would your life look like this holiday season if you dropped the disguise of behavior justifica-tion, people pleasing and believing you need to live up to the expecta-tions of x, y and z? What would

your life look like if you simply did and honored your best in any given situation? Our best changes from moment to moment, mood to mood, day to day. Our best gets better when we acknowledge and honor our own rhythms.

For example, my best writing happens after dinner. For others, it might be before dawn. I’m better able to communicate my feelings after I spend an hour at the dojo or practicing yoga. You might be better able to communicate your feelings after a good breakfast. I know that my best is not very good if I don’t get a good night’s sleep, and I’ve learned to recognize and be aware of my own crankiness. Some days my best is being a lump on the couch watching AMC movie classics.

When it comes to being a mom, stepmom and grandmother, I simply do my best. Not because I’m looking for approval, a reward, to please others or justify my behavior, but because I truly want to do my best, whether I’m a two or a 10. O

Homeworkas a subscriber, you have access to all the back issues. re-read each article in remodel your Life and if you’ve done the home-work, re-read your journal. For december’s issue, in your journal, answer the following questions:

⊲ why do you do what you do for your husband and stepkids?

⊲ is it for recognition?

⊲ is it to look better than the mom?

⊲ is it because you don’t want your new in-laws or anyone else to think poorly of you?

⊲ are you keeping score?

⊲ how much of what you do for others is because you really want to and you’re not looking for a pat on the back, a bouquet of roses or your stepkids to announce to the world that you’re the best stepmom ever?

⊲ what would your life look like if you simply did your best for you—because you want to—regard-less of the applause and appreciation?

PEGGy NolAN loves teaching stepmoms how to stand in their power and expand their wholeness of mind, body, and spirit. Peggy is a self-care coach and certified yoga teacher. She is the mother of two and the bonus mother of four. Peggy hosts the wildly popular “The Stepmom’s Toolbox Radio Show” on www. blogtalkradio.com. Connect with Peggy at www.thestepmoms toolbox.com.

What would your life look like this holiday season if you droPPEd thE dISGuISE oF bEhAvIor JuStIFICAtIoN, people pleasing and believing you need to live up to the expectations of x, y and z?


e v e N T S , R e S O U R C e S , C O M M U N i T Y

JAN. 20-21, 2012 RICHARDSON, TEXASDoubleTree by Hilton Hotel Dallas

For Information, Contact Amy Urbach at [email protected]

uPCoMING EvENt

The SmartStepmom Retreat

Hosted by Laura Petherbridge, author of The Smart Stepmom

Did you know?oNE-thIrd of all children entering stepfamilies were born to an unmarried mother rather than having divorced parents.SourCE: national Survey of Families and households

octavia one of the most prominent women in roman history, octavia the younger (69–11 b.c.) was respected and admired by contemporaries for her loyalty, nobility and humanity, and for maintaining traditional roman feminine virtues.

after the death by suicide of her second husband, mark antony, octavia became the sole caretaker and guardian of her own fi ve children of her marriages with marcellus and antony, as well as her stepchil-dren—antony’s four children from his previous marriages to Fulvia and cleopatra. octavia is known historically as a great mother and stepmother and is said to have raised all of her children with kindness and love.

SourCE: Duces Romanorum: Roman Profi les in Courage, by rose williams

StEPMoMS IN hIStory Did you know?oNE-thIrdstepfamilies were born to an

SourCE:

octavia

StEPMoMS IN hIStory

thriving at the holidays: A Stepparent’s Guide to Success. Unwrapping the Gift of Peace this Holiday Season.

by heather hetchler and gayla grace, with a forward by ron. L. deal.

available now through amazon, ibooks and barnes & noble.

E-Book Available Now!


H use RulesC O d e S O F C O N d U C T F O R T H e S T e p Fa M i LY H O M e

o

A Stepmom’s wish listGimme Structure!

by tara eiSenhard

I don’t consider myself a rigid person. I oversleep. I skip meals. I detest sched-ules. And yet, for the past few years, I’ve openly urged my partner to impose

more boundaries and ground rules upon his children.

A few weeks ago, I found myself harping on the subject again. “They need structure,” I insisted. And then it hit me. “Who is it who is really begging for this structure?” I asked myself. “It’s me! I’m the one who needs structure!”

It took a few days for me to accept the reality. It was hard to admit that my free-spirited self was, in fact, craving a framework within which to function. In that time, I came to realize that all members of my family needed structure. We all needed discipline. If our family is a sandbox, within which we collaborate and create, we can’t make the most of it until we know the boundaries with which we have to work. So I made a wish list. I believe the following will ultimately ease the operations of most stepfamily units:

⊲ A documented and discussed Chain of Command. In a traditional nuclear family, it goes without saying that mom and dad are equally in charge of the children. But step-

families are different. Do the parental figures have balanced power in your home? Or does age or seniority rule? Do older children have more authority over their siblings than does the stepparent? In other words, where does a stepmother belong in the hierarchy?


H use Rules

⊲ Family rules and Consequences. The rules are usually easy. But what happens when someone breaks a rule? What kinds of discipline are employed in your home? The kids need to know what to expect, and the adults need to agree on what’s acceptable. Otherwise, we stepmoms might hand out a sentence that is overturned when dad finds out, undermining our authority and eroding any respect the children have for us.

⊲ Family Meetings—with an Agenda. I’m that person in the office who insists, “I don’t need to be at the meeting; just tell me what I should know when it’s over.” But that atti-tude ends when I walk in my front door. As a family, it’s imperative that we make each other a priority and be present to address important issues. Everyone deserves to be heard, and the best way to ensure this happens is to schedule it. To combat the inconvenience, try holding the meetings during dinner or talk in the car during longer rides.

⊲ official Standards. Create standards for cleanliness and etiquette. When two estab-lished cultures merge, everything is open to interpretation. Does clear the table mean the dishes go in the sink or the dishwasher? Is it acceptable to say “Gesundheit” when someone sneezes, or is “God bless you” preferred? Are shoes permitted beyond the foyer? This is a tough one, but it’s important to agree on expectations to minimize future conflict.

⊲ A Culture of respect and Accountability. Families need to depend on each other, and adults have a responsi-bility to model mature behavior from which children can learn. I’m willing to work toward this goal, even if the other home sometimes operates in a contrary manner.

I’ve learned to embrace my need for boundaries, discipline, authority and respect. And the experience has been oddly liberating. No longer am I a prisoner of what I identi-fied as someone else’s problem. Instead, I’m empowered to state my needs and speak from the heart. It’s much more effective than pointing fingers and making demands. O

tArA EISENhArd believes that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce. She is active in the lives of her partner’s children and enjoys the study of stepfamily dynamics. Tara is the author of the blog “Relative Evolutions” located

at relativeevolutions.com, tweets @RelativEvolutns and welcomes comments via email at [email protected]

Families need to dEPENd oN EACh othEr, and adults have a responsibility to model mature behavior from which children can learn.

What kinds of discipline are employed in your home? thE KIdS NEEd to KNow whAt to ExPECt, and the adults need to agree on what’s acceptable.


lessons From a Newborn A Stepmom Discovers New Joy and New Insight

by Laura petherbridge

Is this how you felt when Colin and Erin were born?” I softly asked my

husband, Steve. “Yes,” he replied. “And

when the grandchildren began to arrive, it was one more reminder of how stepfamilies are different than first-time marriages.”

Although I was very excited and happy when Steve’s grandchildren came into the world, I wasn’t weepy or in awe like he was. I just thought he was getting older and sentimental.

As a woman without children, the closest I ever came to that emotional experience was when my brother’s baby, Melissa, was born. I didn’t realize that the moment I gazed at her tender face, a piece of my heart was hers.

The same thing happened when her sister, Maria, arrived four years later. However, I was a bit more prepared.

Now Melissa is 28 and is having a baby of her own. How can this be?

I find myself crying every time I think of Milana, God’s newest masterpiece. “I’m so amazed by how much I love her, and she hasn’t even arrived,” I whisper to Him. “How can I love someone who

hasn’t taken in oxygen yet?” Trying to make sense of it all, I

look to Steve for insight. And after 26 years of marriage, Milana has caused the two of us to stumble upon the newest stepfamily discovery.

Steve can merely look at Colin or Erin—his grandkids—and cry. This is how I now feel about Milana.

That doesn’t mean I don’t love, care or delight in Steve’s grandkids. I do. They bring total joy to my life.

But it’s different with Milana—not better, just different. I love her unconditionally merely because she is the child of my sweet niece. She is my brother’s grandchild—an addi-tion to my family—my blood line.

There is something unexplain-

ably mystifying about the bond between family members. There is nothing quite like it. No one can bring as much joy—or as much pain—as your own.

This revelation helps me to understand why Steve melts whenever his grandkids ask him for something. And it teaches me to extend grace when I feel he is going overboard.

Just when I think I’m a stepfamily expert and know all the answers to stepfamily living, God allows a little baby to

reveal something wonderfully new. Hmmm … I remember another

time when He brought a Baby into the world to shine light into a dark place.

Isn’t that just like Him to do it again? O

Stepmom Mem irsp e R S O N a L e S S aY S

o

‘‘

lAurA PEthErbrIdGE is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on stepfami-lies, relationships, divorce prevention and divorce

recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce, and The Smart Stepmom, co-authored with Ron Deal. Her website is www.TheSmartStepmom.com


o

desserts from us to youthis month, the StepMom Magazine staff decided to share with readers some favorite holiday recipes. publisher brenda ockun shares a paula deen recipe for pumpkin gooey butter cake, copy editor mary e. mccrank shares a cut-out cookies recipe, and art director melissa Kelly shares a recipe for Sweet potato crunch.

R e C i p e S T O R e L i S H

Pumpkin Gooey butter Cakei feel a little guilty sharing this recipe with you because it’s not an original or a family recipe that was handed down to me by anyone. this is a paula deen recipe—straight from her cookbook. but i’m sharing it because it has real sentimental value. the fi rst holiday i made this, my stepdaughter refused to try it. She was about 9 years old, and pumpkin was not in her vocabulary. i don’t remember if her dad made her taste a bite or if i somehow convinced her, but she reluctantly tried it. to her surprise, she loved it. So much so that she ate three pieces that day. now, pretty much every thanksgiving and christmas, the kids ask if i will be making

gooey cake. it’s become our tradi-tion, and something i know they’ll remember when they’re older. i hope they make it for their families someday. actually, i hope they’ll still be asking me to make it for them.

—brenda

CAKEIngredients

⊲ 1 18¼-ounce package yellow cake mix

⊲ 1 egg ⊲ 8 tablespoons butter, melted

FIllINGIngredients

⊲ 1 8-ounce package cream cheese, softened

⊲ 1 15-ounce can pumpkin ⊲ 3 eggs ⊲ 1 teaspoon vanilla ⊲ 8 tablespoons butter, melted ⊲ 1 16-ounce box powdered sugar ⊲ 1 teaspoon cinnamon ⊲ 1 teaspoon nutmeg

directionspreheat oven to 350°.

combine the cake mix, egg and butter and mix well with an electric mixer. pat the mixture into the bottom of a lightly greased 13-by-9 baking pan.

to make the fi lling: in a large bowl, beat the cream cheese and pumpkin until smooth. add the eggs, vanilla and butter and beat together. next, add the powdered sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg and mix well. Spread pumpkin mixture over cake batter and bake for 40 to 50 minutes. make sure not to overbake as the center should be a little gooey.

Serve with fresh whipped cream.

ph

oto

co

ur

te

Sy

ht

tp

://Li

Few

ith

ca

Ke

.co

m


Fr m the Kitchen

holiday Cut-out Cookiesthere are many kinds of holiday cut-out cookies, and the most important difference is their texture—whether they are hard and crisp or light and fluffy. my favorite has always been light and fluffy, and these cookies are exactly that!

our good friend, tamara, shared this recipe with us years ago. it has become a family favorite, and we have even shipped these cookies across the u.S. to our nephews and nieces to bring a little holiday to them in the years they haven’t been able to make it home.

these always take longer to make than you think because of the decorating process, so be sure to make them ahead of time! —mary

CooKIESIngredients

⊲ 3 eggs ⊲ 2 cups sugar ⊲ 1 cup butter, softened ⊲ ¾ cup evaporated milk ⊲ ¼ cup lemon juice ⊲ 2 teaspoons baking soda ⊲ 1 teaspoon cream of tartar ⊲ ½ teaspoon vanilla ⊲ 5 cups flour

directionspreheat oven to 375°. cream the butter, sugar and eggs in a mixing bowl. Stir in the evaporated milk, lemon juice and vanilla. Sift 4 cups flour with the other dry ingredients.

mix in the wet ingredients. add remaining cup of flour to make dough soft.

chill dough overnight or a few hours. (it’s easier to roll and cut dough when it’s very cold.)

Spray baking sheets lightly with olive oil spray before each use. roll dough to approximately ¼-inch thick, cut out shapes and place on baking sheet about an inch apart.

bake at 375° degrees for 8-10 minutes until very light brown.

makes about 4 dozen cut-out cookies.

FroStINGIngredients

⊲ 1 bag confectioners’ sugar ⊲ 2 tablespoons softened butter (adds glossy finish) ⊲ 1 teaspoon vanilla

directionsgradually pour in evaporated milk, stirring until frosting is thin enough to make a glaze frosting (thinner than cake frosting). Separate into small bowls, adding different food coloring in each bowl. Frost and decorate cookies with sprinkles. Serve right away or let frosting set in a very cool place, such as the garage or breezeway. place cookies in containers with wax paper between layers. you can freeze the cookies immediately in an airtight container and enjoy them for up to 3 or 4 months! happy holidays!


Sweet Potato Crunchthis is also not an original recipe; varia-tions can be found on pretty much every cooking website. but it’s a special recipe for me because i got it from my own stepmother. it’s now become a favorite family recipe and is fondly known at my mother’s house as “Lynn’s Sweet potato crunch.”

—meLiSSa

FIllINGIngredients

⊲ 2 (18.6-oz can) sweet potato, drained and mashed

⊲ 2 small eggs ⊲ ½ cup sugar ⊲ ¼ cup butter, melted ⊲ ¼ cup milk ⊲ 1 teaspoon vanilla

toPPINGIngredients

⊲ 1 cup brown sugar, packed ⊲ ½ cup flour ⊲ 1 cup pecan pieces ⊲ ½ cup butter, melted

directionspreheat oven to 350°. mix all of the filling ingredients and pour into a buttered 13-by-9 baking pan.

mix together topping ingredients and spoon over sweet potatoes.

bake in preheated 350-degree oven for 45 minutes to 1 hour. topping will look browned and crispy when it’s done.

note: being really good at making desserts even more decadent, my sister’s variation on this is to use a larger, shallower casserole dish and double the topping.

Fr m the Kitchen


hEIdI duCAto is the Stylish Stepmom. Find her online at www.stylishstepmom.com, and email her at [email protected]. Twitter: @stylishstepmom; Facebook: Heidi Schmidt Ducato

Fabulous Facebook Finds for the holidaysthe holidays are upon us! and if you are like me, i never know who is on my shopping list, plus i procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate!

this year, i had the idea of fi nding gifts that could be fabulous options for multiple people and to save time by doing some of my shopping via Facebook. by that, i mean shopping retailers and business pages to see what they consider hot for the holidays. So many fun fi nds, and these are just a few of my favorite things! happy shopping and happy holidays!

here is what i found:

▲ thE vINtAGE PEArl ⊲Love the hand-stamped

merchandise. customized items are available.

www.thevintagepearl.com

⊳ StICKS ANd StoNESa name or phrase turns into a treasured piece of art.

www.createsticksandstones.com

continues...


Stylish Stepm m

ChAlKboArd ChINA ▼gift ideas that can be customized for every occasion and season. Just erase and start again.

www.chalkboardchina.com

▲ CArd Cubby ⊲Fun and functional! perfect idea

to keep your favorite items organized. who wouldn’t love

one place to keep gift and retail cards in your purse?

www.cardcubby.com

ChArMING KEyPEr ▼perfect way to keep your keys and cell phone where they belong. add the caSette and make it a wristlet for a night out.

www.charmingKEYper.com

▲ ruStIC CuFF ⊲gorgeous cuff s to make a statement with any outfi t.

www.rusticcuff .com


wENdy l. dEPPE welcomes comments at stepmomscrapbook @gmail.com and invites you to read her blog at http://stepinthe trenches.blogspot.com. Check out her books on Amazon: The Stepmom Scrap book and Diary of a Stepkid!

W e N dY L . d e p p e ’ S p R O J e C T S T O B O N d O v e R

holiday happinessthe winter holidays are a great time to cele-brate with family and friends and to prepare for the new year ahead. with the kids home from school, they are always looking for something fun to do. here are some fun craft ideas that also make great gifts!

Minty Memoriesthese cute and very easy picture frames make great holiday gifts for grandparents!

Materials ⊲ inexpensive plain wood picture frames (walmart has them for a couple of dollars on the craft aisle)

⊲ acrylic paint in green and white (or red) ⊲ paintbrush ⊲ newspaper ⊲ peppermint candies and/or small candy canes ⊲ craft glue (or hot glue gun with adult supervision) ⊲ Spray on clear acrylic sealer, or shellac

InstructionsSpread newspaper on your work surface. paint the frames green or white (or other color of your choice). when paint has fully dried, glue on pepper-mints. (i think candy canes would be really cute with this, too, but i couldn’t find any.) once glue has dried, take your frames outside, lay newspaper under them and spray on a thick coating of clear acrylic sealer or shellac. allow coating to dry and then place cute pictures inside!


Crafts with Y ur Stepkids

Peppermint Spoonsthese adorable peppermint-flavored chocolate spoons are delicious when melted in hot chocolate and make unique gifts, too!

Materials ⊲ wilton candy melts® in red and white (see alternative below)

⊲ Spoon mold (see tip below) ⊲ Small zip-close bags ⊲ microwaveable bowls ⊲ Scissors ⊲ mixing spoons ⊲ peppermint extract ⊲ white frosting ⊲ red sprinkles ⊲ wax paper ⊲ cellophane pretzel or lollipop bags

⊲ pretty ribbon

tIPS: i bought wilton candy melts® in red and white at my local crafts store (available on the candy/cake decorating aisle). they are not that much more expensive than almond bark or white chocolate at the grocery store, and i found them much easier to work with. however, an alternative is to use white choco-late or white almond bark and dye half of it red with food coloring.

if you cannot find a spoon mold in your local hobby/crafts store, they are very inexpensive (and are shipped quickly!) on amazon.com. if you are going to make large quantities of spoons for gifts, i suggest buying more than one mold as each usually only makes 5-6 spoons at a time.

pretzel/lollipop bags for pack-aging your spoons are available on the candy/cake decorating aisle of the crafts store.

InstructionsFor white spoons, begin by melting a small handful of white candy melts in the microwave. when fully melted, mix in one teaspoon of peppermint extract. carefully pour mixture into the spoon mold. use your fingertip to wipe the edges of the mold and make a uniform shape. refrig-erate the mold for 30 minutes to one hour, until spoons have

hardened. remove them from the mold very carefully! they are delicate, and the handle will easily break.

in a small bowl, melt a few red candy melts and mix well. place the red mixture into a small zip-close bag and cut a small tip in the corner. Squeeze red stripes onto the spoon handle. refrig-erate for 30 minutes to an hour to allow stripes to harden.

carefully spread a thin layer of white frosting onto the round part of the spoon, then sprinkle on red sugar. refrigerate for a short time to allow frosting to harden. package in cellophane bags and tie with a pretty ribbon.

repeat the instructions, switching colors, for the red spoons.


During this season of giving, take a few moments to list all of the people in your life who have made an impact—even those whose impact you consider to be negative. Now, take a moment to list what you can “give” them this holiday.

“If you always GIvE, you will always have.”—chineSe proVerb

Gift IdeasTimeForgivenessRespectUnderstandingPatienceAttentionEmpathyAff ectionLovePraiseAppreciationGraceRecognition


Words of Wisd mo

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when

you GIvE oF yourSElF that you truly give.”

—KahLiL gibran

“From what we get, we can make a living; whAt wE GIvE, however,

makes a life.”—arthur aShe

“Blessed are those who can GIvE wIthout rEMEMbErING, and

take without forgetting.”—princeSS eLizabeth,

aSquith bibeSco


chalkboard china featured in december issue of stepmom magazine

Design

isa stepmom

sons stepmom

staff of stepmom magazine

year holidays

mission of stepmom magazine15

messy moment stepmom

stylish stepmom heidi

time outrelationship