Taking Kids to Mass

FEATURE ARTICLE

Raising Catholics: Taking Kids to MassPAGE 4Kiara & Francine Pirola

SPECIAL FEATURE

Mass Survival GuidePAGE 16

SEASONAL NOTES

Corpus Christi & Feast of the Sacred HeartPAGE 32

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Follow2 | May 2015

This MonthMay-Jun 2015

Fr 1 St Joseph the Worker

Su 3 Easter 5 Sts Phillip & James

Su 10 Easter 6 Mothers Day St Damien of Molokai

We 13 Our Lady of Fatima

Th 14 St Mathhias

Su 17 The Ascension of the Lord

Th 21 Sts Christobal Magallanes & Companions

Fr 22 St Rita of Casica

Su 24 Pentecost Feast of Mary, Help of Christians

Tu 26 St Philip Neri

We 27 St Augustine of Canterbury

Su 31 Feast of the Holy Trinity Visitation of the Blessed Virgin

Mo 1 St Justin Martyr

We 3 St Charles Lwanga & Companions

Sa 6 St Marcellin Champagnat

Su 7 Feast of Corpus Christi

Fr 12 Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Sa 13 Immaculate Heart of Mary St Anthony of Padua

Su 14 Ordinary Time 11

Fr 19 St Romuald

Su 21 Ordinary Time 12 St Aloysius Gonzaga

We 24 Birth of St John the Baptist

Su 28 Ordinary TIme 13 St Iraneus

Mo 29 Feast of Apostles Peter & Paul

Tu 30 Feast of the First Martyrs of the Roman Church

Welcome to our exciting two part series! We begin this month with Raising Catholics: Taking Kids to Mass and will follow it up with Raising Catholics: Faith at Home.

Taking kids to Mass is fraught with emotion and frustration. Parents are conflicted, sleep-deprived, busy and stressed and so are highly reactive and sensitive to perceived and actual judgement from others. For other parishioners, disruptive and poorly behaved children can be a source of distraction and frustration for their anticipated quiet time with the Lord.

Tragically, many parents abandon going to Mass altogether. When this happens, we all lose out.

So, how to tackle this thorny issue? Read on to discover our readers insights and some expert input

Kiara PirolaEditor

From the Editor...

2015 May | 3

4 | May 2015

Have you ever been to Mass with a restless toddler or unsettled baby? I have. Plenty of times. As a daily Mass-goer and mother of five, Ive lost count of the number of times. While I took reasonable steps to contain their boisterous behaviour, I wanted my children to feel at home in the church, that they belonged there and were welcome.

So I didnt restrain them unnecessarily, but tried to redirect their energy and curiosity towards the various artworks and actions of the Mass. When one toddler was delighting in new found language, I taught him to say Alleluia so that it wouldnt offend when he hollered it out at Mass. Never mind that it was in the middle of the consecration he was praying!

Francines Story

2015 May | 5

To settle my little girl after communion, I used to pull her onto my lap and we would whisper prayers to Jesus together. I still remember her asking at the age of three, wheres Jesus? In that little gold box up there, I explained, pointing to the tabernacle. Mum, she replied, weve got to get him out of there! How true and how wise! In her innocence she reminded me that Jesus belongs in the world, not just in the tabernacle. She was getting it far better than I was!

6 | May 2015

One day, an elderly parishioner chastised me for the disruption caused by my toddler. I confess I lost it. I ripped into her, informing her that my child had every right to be there. The poor woman! Truthfully, I dont even remember what she said - I was so angry, I lost all sense of restraint.

The next Mass when my little boy did his usual fidgeting, I crossly corrected him, eventually giving him a slap and making him cry. Everything I knew about how Jesus wanted my child to come to know him was surrendered in response to this cranky parishioner. The cumulative impact of critical glares and passive non-welcome from fellow Mass-goers had me on edge and a raging internal conflict ensued. I needed that Mass. I was taking my responsibility to raise my children in faith seriously, imparting a deep, pre-verbal attachment to Jesus. And yet I sensed indifference, even resistance, from the community. Obstinately, I refused to let their negativity dissuade me!

2015 May | 7

My children are mostly grown now. As they matured, they learnt how to be reverent and respectful of others needs in church. They were no slower than other kids its just that mostly we dont see those other kids in Church. How sad for us and for them. Now, when a baby or toddler graces us with his or her noisy presence, I always thank the parents. If they look harried by a boisterous toddler, I talk quietly to the child about Jesus. Sometimes I show him or her something like a statue or stained glass window so that their parent can pray quietly for a moment. I want the parents and the child to know that their presence is valued.

I know that it is difficult for some of our elderly parishioners. They can feel frustrated and anxious by a restless child, even fearful of being knocked over or bumped. However, as the people of God, we must never let these fears interfere with our mission to welcome families with little children.

- Francine Pirola

8 | May 2015

The Survey Results

We had a good response to our survey, with just under sixty of you taking the time to respond. We collected some demographic information since it is important to know who was responding.

90% of respondents were female

and the average age was

40.6 years old.66% attended Mass at least once a week.

Average number of children was

3.4 per family

2015 May | 9

We have observed that this is not a broad or representative sample of families turning up to Mass on any given week.

Rather, this is a sample of committed Mass-goers and Catholics who take their faith and their commitment to Mass seriously.

None-the-less, their insights were very telling. Even these committed Mass-goers and faithful Catholics struggle.

The most common reasons that parents find it hard to bring kids to Mass are:

33%

29%1. Kids dont want to go

2. Kids are disruptive

10 | May 2015

What was even more heartbreaking was the number who shared their negative experiences. Most negative experiences fell into one of two categories.

The first was negative behaviour from other

parishioners and parish priests. Glares, tutting, angry shushing and even parishioners refusing the sign of peace to families who were struggling with their childs behaviour were a common experience.

[I experienced] mostly dirty looks when my child forgot their halo at home. M.C.

At a previous Parish, a couple of people would give the kids the evil eye when they became a bit disruptive and one man even refused to offer the sign of peace to myself and the kids. C.K.

A close friend attended Mass with her young brood while hubby served at Mass. The baby made a bit of noise and people in the pew in front turned around, glared at her and told her to go to the crying room. The husband never served again, the mother felt shattered and her husband now does not go to Mass. Dorita

2015 May | 11

The second major negative experience of parents was

their childrens disruptive behaviour. As two of our respondents put it:

They totally drive me crazy! The other parishioners are supportive but sometimes I leave mass more stressed than I arrive. While I can enjoy the peace without them it is hard with them. I totally understand though; they are country kids and are active and loud in their everyday activities so asking them to be quiet for an hour when they dont understand the words, there is little or no music that appeals to them and the images around the room are not engaging to young children. Anon

One Sunday mass a family with 3-4 kids who werent regulars sat in the row behind us. There was complete chaos, kids throwing bottles at parishioners (me!), so much noise it wasnt funny. Our priest had to pause during the Eucharistic prayer as he couldnt concentrate. The parents were embarrassed but I get where the priest was coming from. They really did need to retreat outside or into the crying (chaos) room for a bit as it got too much for everyone. Louise

12 | May 2015

If committed Catholics struggle, what hope is there for those equally harried and stressed parents teetering on the margins? Why bother going to the effort anyway?

Why you take your kids to Mass...

When the kids get something out of it - eg. They come and say when I get bigger I get to eat Jesus Anon

I love when they sing; it makes me get teary. Sarann

We often are approached by fellow parishioners that we dont know very well who tell us how much it means to them to see young children at Mass and how they have enjoyed watching our girls grow up. Having children has made us more visible than we were as a couple, and we feel a bit more embraced by the parish. Becoming involved in the Childrens Liturgy program and participating in family groups has also involved us more in the parish. With busy working lives it is also one of the only regular weekly activities that we can share as a whole family. It is precious time. Shane

2015 May | 13

Whilst its not surprising that many parents choose to skip Mass when the children are young, it is not necessarily the most productive strategy.

Children need to acclimatise to the Mass from a young age, a bit like reading. Ideally we should be reading to our children well before they are capable of reading themselves. Its because we want them to develop a deep love for books and a hunger to participate and to learn to read themselves.

The most potent age to form attachment bonds is in early childhood. By providing your child with positive and regular exposure to Jesus through the Mass, you facilitate the formation of a deeply rooted attachment bond to the God who loves them. Just like reading to your children instills a love of books and learning.

There is also a practical element to this. If you are an irregular Mass goer, every time you do go to Mass becomes a negotiation and a battle. Why do we have to go now? Why doesnt my mate Jack have to go? We didnt go last week? Why cant we skip it this week?

14 | May 2015

However, even if you didnt read to your toddlers or take them to Mass from a young age, its never too late to start! To help you on your way, weve put together a Mass Survival Guide inspired by the experiences of Mass-going parents who have been there.

2015 May | 15

The Ultimate

Guide for parents

16 | May 2015

Picking a MassGenerally speaking, if you have young children, a morning Mass is better than an evening Mass. Tired kids are not much fun for parents.

Many parishes have a specific Mass for families where the atmosphere is more child-tolerant and family-friendly. If you can, make it your regular Mass. Youll also have the company and support of other parents and your kids will make friends to play with after Mass.

Childrens LiturgyThis is a separate program fror children which runs in a seprate room while adults listen to the readings during Mass. There was some mixed feedback on the benefits of Childrens Liturgies. For some parents, it is a God-send and has been wonderful for their childrens faith and for their sanity. Others feel that it is unnecessary and it undermines the childrens appreciation for the Mass.

Ideally a Childrens Liturgy...

Is more than just a baby-sitting service.

Focuses on breaking open the Liturgy of the Word (particularly the Gospel) in language that is accessible to young children.

Includes simple activities to reinforce and illustrate the message.

Returns the children to their parents after the homily to participate in the Liturgy of the Eucharist together.

2015 May | 17

Toddler Distraction DevicesMany survey respondents championed the value of some age-appropriate toys and books for toddlers and young children to use during Mass. Children are naturally curious and active, so some quiet distractions are enormously helpful.

Weve put together a list of things that could go into a special Mass Bag (see page 19) for your little ones to take.

There were quite a few recommendations that this Mass Bag be set aside and only brought out for Mass time. It was one way to get the little kids to look forward to going and emphasises that this was a special time that was set aside from everyday life. However, if your child wants to read their bible during the week, dont hesitate to let them! You can always have two, one for home and one for Mass!

FoodThe idea of bringing food to Mass is not one that all parents recommend for all children. However, here are a few things to consider:

Infants and toddlers (0-3 years) cannot be expected to regulate their physical needs. If they are hungry, do not hesitate to breastfeed your babies. For toddlers, avoid noisy packaging or foods that make a mess. If crumbs end up on the floor, be sure to tidy up after Mass.

Older kids can be directed to offer their hunger up. They can also begin to do the one hour fast before Mass too.

18 | May 2015

Soft, noiseless toys. Stuffed animals are great. Why not pick something symbolic like a lamb (Jesus), a lion (St Mark), or an eagle (St John).

Some age-appropriate, faith books to read. A childrens bible, or picture books for little ones. Older ones can be given a childrens Missal so that they can follow the Mass.

Some colouring-in or word puzzles to do. These should preferably be faith related. If all you have is blank paper, ask your kids to draw something to give to the priest after Mass. If youre desperate, never underestimate the power of those gift envelopes and little pencils that live in the pews! (Your donation will have extra love and appreciation).

Check out: My Faith Workbook

Mass Bag Essentials

My daughter made a get well card for our sick parish priest with her and him drawn on the front, skipping and holding hands. He LOVED it! A. S.

Natures Call Dont be concerned

about taking a toilet-training toddler or sick child to the bathroom on demand. Even if it is at a critical moment in Mass!

Feel free to change babys nappies as they fill up. Stinky nappies are not only uncomfortable for your little one, but everyone else too!

Parish Tip:Make sure you have change facilities available and accessible in the bathrooms!

2015 May | 19

Scoping out your position Some people recommend

sitting up the front with kids so they can see the action at the altar. However, you may have to make a quick exit with a fussing child, so choose a position with an easy and relatively discreet escape.

Make use of side altars if your Church has any. It gives your kids something interesting to look at and has a little bit of clearly marked space for wiggly toddlers to roam a little or to park a sleeping baby in a pram.

If you know youre all having a bad day, feel free to hide up the back too!

20 | May 2015

Cry Rooms: A love-hate relationshipThis was a touchy issue for lots of our respondents and in the Catholic blogosphere too. Some hate them with a passion and others see it as a sanity-saving retreat for those really bad days. Here are some guidelines for both parents and parishes to make Cry Rooms an effective tool for parents and kids having a bad day.

Parent Tips: Only use Cry Rooms when

your child is distressed, agitated or restless. Once they are settled, come back and join the congregation.

Be clear with your child that this is not a place to let loose and run wild. It should not be fun or rewarding to go to the Cry Room.

Dont make the Cry Room your regular spot. You and your children belong in the congregation, so dont segregate yourselves in there unless necessary.

Other harried parents will be there trying to settle their child and participate in Mass. The cry room is not a place to have a conversation so be respectful and mindful of other parents who may be praying.

ParisH Tips: For the love of God, do NOT

call it a Cry Room. Call it a Parents Respite/Retreat instead. Change the name, change the attitude.

Make sure the room is connected to Mass. Make sure Mass is clearly visible and that the sound system is connected. Put pews and kneelers to make it consistent with the rest of the Church and facilitate parent participation.

Post a friendly Parent Code of Conduct or How to use this room on the door and around the room so that everyone is on the same page on its purpose and usage.

Make it clear to your parish community that the Cry Room/Parents Respite is a measure of last resort for parents. Parents and their children belong in the congregation and should not be made to feel segregated in there. 2015 May | 21

Give yourselves a high-five! You made it!

End it with a treat! If your parish doesnt have after mass refreshments, go and get a special treat as a family like ice-cream, a play in the park, or family meal.

Remember: No matter how wild your kids may be, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

22 | May 2015

Some parents connect this treat with their childs behaviour at Mass. The denial of the treat serves as a natural consequence in their discipline process.

This should be carefully thought through considering your parenting style and the message you want to instil in your child. Connecting good behaviour in Mass

with a post-Mass treat can be internalised by your child as God only loves me when I behave well.

Parents need to always be mindful of how their children perceive their discipline strategies to ensure that what youre trying to communicate is the message that comes through.

Thoughts on Treats

2015 May | 23

That dreaded word is often associated with punishment, but it is far more than that. Discipline comes from the same root word as disciple and it means to teach. It is about positively teaching children in age-appropriate ways how to behave. Sometimes this might mean enforcing consequences, but it also means praising good behaviour and encouraging it. It also means setting an example and modelling the behaviour you want from your children. It sees mistakes as crucial teaching points rather than as failures. Discipline also instils a deep appreciation and love for something.

Discipline cannot be done in abstraction either. You cannot teach someone to ride a bicycle by explaining from a book. You have to get on the bike and try! Youll also probably fall off it a few times too. That is all part of the discipline of learning to ride a bike.

It is the same thing with your children and Mass. They cannot learn how to behave in Mass or how to love and appreciate it without being there.

24 | May 2015

It can be helpful to take some time during the week to familiarise your children with the church itself. Visit the church on a weekday where there are less people and less pressure. You can teach your kids some prayers, show them how to genuflect and use the holy water, take them to see some of the artwork and become familiar and comfortable with the space.

Practice at home! The key to managing your childs behaviour is to make sure they know what is expected of them. Get a Missal and do a practice run of standing, sitting, kneeling, saying prayers, the sign of peace etc. This is also a good time to explain what is appropriate behaviour in Church and how to pray to Jesus when you visit.

The funniest thing I ever witnessed was one Saturday night this little boy and his mum were running a little late for Mass and they arrived just as Father arrived at the altar and turned around to begin. The little fellow was walking down the aisle, saw Father and at the top of his voice called out HELLO GOD!. This bought the house down! Obviously the little boys mother had said they were going to say Hello to God so he did. S. J

2015 May | 25

26 | May 2015

Families are the foundation of our society and a microcosm of the Church itself. Children and their parents belong in Mass and our communities are so much richer for it. Our committed Mass goers have highlighted this particular truth in their experience of taking their children to Mass:

People fear being judged... not by God, but by other people. Vibrant and growing parishes make a concerted effort to welcome families and make their parish culture like an extended family. Leadership from a parish priest is important, but it is the community itself that makes this culture happen.

2015 May | 27

Each family is unique and parents have a range of discipline styles ranging from completely permissive to highly structured. Parishes need to respect the right of parents to raise their children according to their means and philosophy.

Having said that, respect is a not just a two-way street, it should be a multi-lane highway. Parishes who encourage a culture of respect help parents teach their children to be respectful by practicing and being forgiving of imperfection.

Let children be children! They are baptised children of God. They belong in Mass amongst a community of believers. Two-year-olds have bad days (like adults) and they are not shy about letting everyone know! That is okay, they will learn to regulate their emotions as they grow.

Put compassion and understanding first and suspend your judgement! Many parents live under a cloud of judgement about their childs behaviour, good and bad. A Parish should not add to this burden! It does not do parents or you any good to have a habit of assuming the worst about children behaving poorly. You just dont know the context of that childs behaviour! Let go of your frustration and pray for the parents and offer a sympathetic smile instead.

Form a Parent Support Team. It is as simple as getting a bunch of parishioners who buddy up with families and are available to help them out with restless toddlers or grumpy children to give the parents a chance to get some much need spiritual nourishment.

28 | May 2015

Remember: Parents live a life of constant tension between resolving the current crisis and achieving the long-term objective. They are conflicted: Do I give him/her what he wants now to quiet him or should I be teaching him/her how to wait patiently which is essential for him/her to be a good, virtuous adult. The parish community needs to be there to support parents in their long-term goal, even if it means some discomfort in the short-term.

2015 May | 29

Amidst all the angst, frustration and stress it is so easy to lose track of why we are taking our kids to Mass in the first place. As parents we have a duty to our children to meet their needs and help them grow into respectful, loving and mature adults. As parents of Faith, we are called to do more than that

30 | May 2015

To give your children the greatest gift we

have recieved:

to make disciples of all nations,

to help them know

and that starts right in our homes with that cheeky three-year-old.

to love him & to experience

Even when it is hard. Even when there are tantrums and sullen teenage rebellions. Even when we spend more time outside the church than in it. Even when other parishoners judge us. Even when it feels pointless.

a deep & meaningful relationship with him.

2015 May | 31

32 | May 2015

SEASONAL NOTES

2015 May | 33

CRAFTCorpus Christi Stained Glass WindowCelebrate the feast of Corpus Christi with this simple craft activity. Younger kids might need help with the cutting part but are free to go nuts with colour and materials in the taping part. Place it on a north-facing window for maximum amount of light during the day.

CRAFTCorpus Christi Bleach BannerCelebrate the feast of Corpus Christi with this simple craft project. It is a fantastic way to teach kids about the Eucharist and makes a lovely addition to your family prayer space...

All this and more can be found at www.CathFamily.org

BE INSPIREDGod is Here: The EucharistDo we live our belief that Jesus is really present in the Eucharist, present in our churches each day? The feast of Corpus Christi gives us an opportunity to reflect anew on the real and living presence of Jesus in the Eucharist...

This wonderful feast celebrates the heart of our faith: Jesus became man and he does it everytime we go to Mass in the Eucharist. Get stuck into the spirit of the feast with these family-friendly activities.

34 | May 2015

For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org

The Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus is a beautiful feast that connects us with the passionate love of Jesus for his people. Get into the devotion with CathFamilys mix of the traditional and new takes on the devotion.

PRAYERSt Margaret Marys Sacred Heart ConsecrationThis consecration was written by St Margaret Mary, a young french mystic who was given the devotion to the Sacred Heart.

CRAFTSacred Heart PuzzleEngage your kids in the beautiful devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. This activity is a modern twist on the traditional nine First Friday Masses.

BE INSPIREDFeast of the Sacred Heart of JesusDevotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus is not nearly as popular today as a couple of generations ago, when almost every Catholic at least knew about the nine first Fridays...

2015 May | 35