By Guadalupe Cantu, Pearl Fierro, Jessica Quintanilla, and Rosa Rios

A divorce happens after a husband and wife decide they can't live together anymore and no longer want to be married. They agree to sign legal papers that make them each single again, and allow them to marry other people if they want to.

It's really important for kids to know that just because parents divorce each other, they're not divorcing their kids. Some kids think that if their parents are divorcing, it means their moms and dads will want to leave them too.

(Kingsley, 2007)

Divorce results from a couple’s failure to commit to their marital and family roles which encompass the children’s psychological and emotional development.

Continuous abuse, unable to be stopped, is far more damaging than divorce.

However, divorce in itself does not impact children’s lives and development in a positive way, especially when either parent, or both, abandon responsibility for the kids’ social and emotional development.

But, when handled responsibly divorce can be the right choice.

How to Divorce: A British Documentary with Christina Mcghee

http://divorceandchildren.com/video_uk.html#

(Conner, 2009; Divorce and Children, LLC, 2008)

The management of separation and divorce is not easy for families. There are no easy answers.

It is a complex process stressful and confusing for parents and children.

There are painful decisions that need to be made. Uncertainty of the future now exists. Parents may be devastated, overwhelmed, and hurt. Children are often scared because their sense of

security has been threatened. Parenting tends to become more difficult after a

divorce but…

Inevitably, no matter what anyone’s thoughts and feelings are on divorce, Life Will Change for ALL.

(Divorce and Children, LLC, 2008; Kemp, Claundos & Segal, 2009; Lewis & Sammons, 2000)

There are many reasons why people divorce. Maybe they've grown apart. Maybe the love they once had for each other has changed. Maybe they fight and just can't agree about things. Every couple has their own reasons for divorce. Whatever the reasons are, one thing is for sure: Kids don't cause divorce.

It is the parents’ responsibility to reinforce this concept to their children.

(Kingsley, 2007)

It is important that parents continue to give their children their love and provide the reassurance they so desperately need

Verbal Communication- In addition to reminders of love, addressing feelings is necessary.

Non-Verbal Actions- Offering physical presence and support is also key.

Listen- Children may express certain feelings like frustration about unexpected things so Listen!

Help Them Express Themselves Honestly- Notice their mood and let them know it is okay to say how they really feel.

Acknowledge- Though not up to the parent to change the way they feel or to fix their problems, show understanding is good enough.

(Kemp, Claundos & Segal, 2009)

Just like the divorce is not the kid's fault, getting parents back together is not up to the kid, either. And most likely, this doesn't happen, although plenty of kids wish for it and even try things they think might work.

Acting like an angel at home all the time (who can do that?) and getting straight A’s at school (another hard thing to do) may make your mom and dad happy with you, but it doesn't mean they'll get back together.

(Kingsley, 2007)

First of all, it's normal to feel lots of different things, including anger, fear, and sadness.

Second, even though it may seem like your whole world just fell apart, with time, things will be better again. Your life might be a bit different, but the pieces will come back together again - maybe even sooner than you think.

(Kingsley, 2007)

Fear of Change and Abandonment Loss of Attachment Enduring Parental Tension

Unrealistic Hope of Bringing Parents Back Together Aggression and Denial

Depression and Withdrawal

Divorce may cause children to experience such symptoms

Consult immediately with a mental health professional if suspicion of critical symptoms exists- drugs, alcohol, violence, suicidal ideation

(Parker, 2009; Conner, 2009)

•Self-destructive or self-harming behavior•Apathy and failure to accept responsibility•Superficial positive behavior•Early or increased sexual activityDrug or alcohol abuseViolent thoughts or behavior Suicidal thoughts or behavior

•Impulsive & Impatient behavior •Anger towards self or others•Oppositional, rebellious, defiant or conduct problems•Breaking rules & testing limits•Destructive behavior•Self-blame, guilt

Signs that children are not handling the divorce effectively

When parents divorce, usually one parent moves out of the house and lives somewhere else.

Some kids spend part of the time living with one parent and part of the time living with the other.

Other kids live mostly with one parent and visit the other.

If this is the case, it may seem strange at first to be visiting your own parent, but it’s possible the child might even start to enjoy a little time away from his or her everyday house. It can feel good knowing you have two homes where someone loves you.

(Kingsley, 2007)

Sometimes problems come up when kids visit one parent and then go home to the other. For example, one parent might ask a lot of questions about stuff the other parent is doing. Sometimes a parent wants the kid to be a messenger between homes. Kids usually feel uncomfortable when this sort of thing happens. They wish that parents would just ask each other what they want to know.

Kids don't want to feel like they are in the middle. If something like this happens to you, talk to your parents and tell them how it makes you feel.

(Kingsley, 2007)

Announce the divorce together to the children Be honest in answering questions Remember there are no substitutes for time, love and

attention; be active in your child’s life Do your part to ease visitation

-Keep times regular and predictable, maintain routines

-Designate time with each parent

-Discuss children’s wishes about visiting and residence

Ease private communication with each parent by phone/email etc.

Stress the importance of maintaining both parental relationships.

Dispel any notion that the child might have about causing the divorce and discuss their feelings of guilt

(Lewis & Sammons, 2000)

DoShow your children you love them as much as possibleTell them the divorce is not their faultReassure children of their safetyLet them know it is okay to love both mom and dad the same as before the divorceSupport your children’s relationship with the other parentListen to the children and let them know it is okay to express their feelingsHelp them know they have a home with each parent no matter how much time they spend with themProvide discipline & structureDefinitely do keep your sense of humor- you will need it

(Divorce and Children, LLC, 2008)

Don’tx Don’t talk bad or put-down the other parent to your childx Don’t expose your children to unnecessary details of divorcex Don’t use your children as messengers or manipulate them into spyingx Don’t retaliate when the other parent does damaging things; this puts the kid in the middlex Don’t burden your child with adult decision-makingx Don’t have your kid be your confidantx Don’t withhold visitation for failure to pay child support or vice-versax Don’t try to buy your child’s love

Wouldn't you like to know what will happen in the future? For a kid of a divorced family, it may mean stepfamilies someday. Don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time.

It can be really hard dealing with divorce, but try to remember that lots of kids go through what you're going through, and usually everything and everyone turns out fine. In fact - as bad as things might seem right now - you just might be surprised at how good the future turns out to be!

(Kingsley, 2007)

“50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce” has become a statement of common knowledge, but is it completely accurate? Though this estimate is reasonably close, some important details of distribution are overlooked.

Divorce Rates:

(http//:www.divorcerate.org/; MarketWatch Inc., 2009; Divorce Magazine, 2009)

1st marriage

41%

2nd marriage

60%

3rd marriage

73%

•Divorce rate is somewhat lower for couples with children compared with childless couples.

•The younger you marry, the higher the chance of divorce.

•The divorce rate is lowest for those marrying in their thirties.

• The risk of divorce is also lower for people with at least a college-degree getting married later in life.

•59% of the US population is married•10% is divorced•66% of all divorced couples are childless.

24% of married householders have children 9.2% of households are run by single moms 1.9% are run by single dads

9.68 million are single moms 2.04 million are single dads 5.5 million of unmarried couples are living

together

69% of children under 18 live with both parents 23% live with mom only 5% live with dad only 4% don’t live with either(Divorce Magazine, 2009)

Conner, M.G. (2009). Children during divorce. Retrieved February 17, 2009, from http://crisiscounseling.com/TraumaLoss/DivorceChildren.htm

Divorce and Children, LLC (2008). Divorce and children: Helping people redefine their families and their lives. Retrieved February 19, 2009, from http://divorceandchildren.com/

Divorce Rate: Divorce Rate in America. Retrieved February 21, 2009, from http//:www.divorcerate.org/

Divorce Magazine (2009). U.S. Divorce statistics. Retrieved February 21, 2009, from http://divorcemag.com/statistics/statsUS.shtml

Kemp, G., Claundos, R. & Segal, J. (2009).Children and divorce: Helping your kids cope with the effects of separation and divorce. Retrieved February 20, 2009, from http://helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm

Kingsley, R. (2007) A Kid’s Guide to a Divorce. Kids Health. Retrieved February 18, 2009 from

http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/home_family/divorce.html

Lewis, J. & Sammons, W. (2000). Children and divorce. Retrieved February 18, 2009, from http://www.childrenanddivorce.com/

MarketWatch, Inc. (2009). 50% Divorce rate for all is just not true: New marriage calculator shows the facts. Retrieved February 22, 2009, from http://www.marketwatch.com/news/story/50-Divorce-Rate-For-All/story.aspx?guid=%7B76FBB2A4-3F01-429B-87D2-A727C9123672%7D

Parker, W. (2009). The effects of divorce on children and how to cope. Retrieved February 20, 2009, from http//:fatherhood.about.com/cs/divorceddads/a/divorcekids.htm