by flip kobler and cindy marcus - pioneer drama service · pdf file... lay another golden egg....

By Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus

© Copyright 2009, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every

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1. The full name of the play2. The full name of the playwright(s)3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with

Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”

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PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWSii

AESOP’S FOIBLES

By FLIP KOBLER and CINDY MARCUS

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Speaking)

# of lines

AESOP ......................................troubled by stories in his head 228HARE........................................insists on fi nding a name 94LION .........................................just wants to please Androcles 41ANDROCLES .............................can’t shake his friend Lion 51BOY ..........................................one big liar 61WOLF .......................................not a sheep—really 56FARMER ....................................impatient; wants golden eggs 51GOOSE .....................................sees the lessons in stories 45AUNT ........................................hardworking; plans ahead 27GRASSHOPPER .........................lazy; lives for the moment 19FOX ..........................................oversensitive, but doesn’t care 34TORTOISE .................................convinced he can win footrace 22MOM ........................................of Aesop; spouts unconventional 52

wisdom DAD .........................................of Aesop; tries to help his son 23ZEUS ........................................immature, dim-witted god 48HERA........................................wife of Zeus; keeps him in line 38DAPHINITY ................................Aesop’s muse 81DOCTOR ...................................wants to “cure” Aesop 63MASTER ...................................understanding slave owner 55

SET DESCRIPTIONUPSTAGE is a high platform. There are one or two Greek pillars to let us know we’re in ancient Greece. A few marble-looking benches give our characters a place to sit.

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AESOP’S FOIBLES

LIGHTS UP: AESOP ENTERS dressed in a tattered toga, his face smudged.AESOP: (Addresses the AUDIENCE.) Hi. My name is Aesop. And I have

kind of a small… problem. And by “kind of” I mean defi nitely. And by “small” I mean huge. And by “problem” I mean, well, problem.

HARE: (Rushes ON.) Hey, I’m here! Where’s the party? (Looks around.) Where is everybody? I’m the fi rst one here, huh? Typical.

AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) See, I have all these stories and ideas and characters in my head. Like Hare.

HARE: Aesop, my man. (They do a complicated and funky high fi ve.)AESOP: Hello, Hare.HARE: I asked you to call me Lightning Jack.AESOP: I’m not calling you Lightning Jack.HARE: Lightning Jack is a great name. It’s a name that sticks with you.

People don’t forget a name like Lightning Jack. People say, “Hey, who was that?” “That was Lightning Jack.” “I’ve heard of her,” they say. “She’s the fastest thing in the world.”

AESOP: (Back to AUDIENCE.) The problem is they’re inside my head. And they talk back to me. Like Hare here.

HARE: Lightning Jack.AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) I can’t get them to shut up.HARE: I thought about Lightning Rodney, but then it gets shortened to

Lightning Rod and you sound like a dork. Who wants to be named after an antennae? That’s why I’m sticking with Lightning Jack. (Posing like she’s on top of a runner’s trophy.)

AESOP: (Sees ANDROCLES ENTER. LION follows him IN like an overeager puppy. To AUDIENCE.) And they just keep coming.

LION: (To ANDROCLES.) Hey, hey, what do you want to do? Huh? Want to do something? We could go to the theater. Huh? That’d be fun. Want to go to the theater? I hear Thespis is in a new play. It’s a comedy. Or a drama. I forget which, but Thespis!

ANDROCLES: Yeah, I’m not sure. I might be busy.LION: Sure, yeah, no problem. We could go to the bazaar. I hear they

have sandals on sale. Who doesn’t like new sandals?ANDROCLES: You don’t. You’re a lion. You don’t wear sandals.LION: I’m thinking of you.ANDROCLES: I dunno. I may have some stuff to do later.LION: What stuff?ANDROCLES: You know. Chores and stuff.

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LION: I could help you.ANDROCLES: Nah, it’s okay. It’s kind of a one-man job.LION: I’ll just keep you company then. We’ll just hang out, huh,

buddy?AESOP: Hey, Androcles.ANDROCLES: Hey, Aesop.AESOP: Whatcha doin’?LION: Nothin’. We got some chores and stuff later, but now I’m just

hanging with my buddy Androcles.ANDROCLES: (Sotto whisper to AESOP.) Help me. Please!AESOP: I’d like to, but I have my own problems.ANDROCLES: What problems could you possibly have?BOY: (Runs ON frantically.) Oh, my gods! A meteor just hit the ocean! A

giant tidal wave is coming this way. We’re all going to die!HARE: A tidal wave?BOY: A thousand feet high. Billions of tons of water! It’s the end of

the world!LION: Really?BOY: No, not really, I’m just kidding. Booya. You guys were totally

punked.ANDROCLES: You lied.BOY: I know.ANDROCLES: I believed you.BOY: Oh, thanks, man. That’s nice.ANDROCLES: (Grabs BOY.) You scared me.BOY: I said “thank you.”ANDROCLES: Listen, you little jerk—AESOP: It’s okay. He can’t help it.BOY: Yeah, listen to toga boy here.AESOP: He always lies.BOY: Yeah. I’ve never told the truth in my life.ANDROCLES: Really?BOY: No, I’m just kidding. Most of the time I lie, though.AESOP: He’s the boy who cries wolf.ANDROCLES: He hasn’t cried wolf.BOY: Did that. Yawn. Amateursville. I’m expanding.ANDROCLES: I don’t think he’s the boy that cries wolf.

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BOY: What, you need proof? Fine. (Pointing behind ANDROCLES.) “Wolf. Wolf.” (ANDROCLES whips around, but there’s nothing there.) See?

ANDROCLES: There’s no wolf there.BOY: I know. It’s a gift.WOLF: (ENTERS wearing a white poncho with cotton balls glued to it

over the wolf costume. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.) Somebody call for a wolf?

BOY: (Points to HARE.) She did.HARE: Who’s this now?AESOP: He’s a wolf.HARE: He doesn’t look like a wolf.WOLF: I’m a wolf.HARE: Looks like a sheep.WOLF: I’m not.HARE: Looks like it.WOLF: I’m a wolf.AESOP: He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.HARE: Why are you in sheep’s clothing?WOLF: It’s what I do.HARE: Don’t you get hot?WOLF: A little, yeah.BOY: I knew you were a wolf the second I saw you.WOLF: Really?BOY: No, I’m just yankin’ your chain. You look like a sheep.WOLF: (To AESOP.) Can you explain this to them? It’s embarrassing.AESOP: I don’t know why you’re like this.WOLF: It’s your imagination.AESOP: I know. (To AUDIENCE.) You see my problem? I can’t even

control my own thoughts!HARE: (Shakes WOLF’S hand.) How you doing? Lightning Jack.AESOP: Her name is not Lightning Jack.HARE: Don’t mind him, he’s a little cranky.WOLF: Aren’t you afraid of wolves?HARE: Are you kidding? I’m terrifi ed of wolves. Scared out of my

whiskers.WOLF: You’re not afraid of me.HARE: I’m not afraid of sheep.WOLF: I’m a wolf!

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HARE: (Pats his head like he’s a cute two-year-old.) Yes, you are.WOLF: (Howls like a wolf.) Aaaaaooooooooooooohhhhhh!HARE: No, no, it’s “Baaa.”WOLF: Wolves don’t say “baa.”HARE: Thank you for making my point.AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) All this going on in my head gives me

headaches! (GOOSE ENTERS with FARMER on her heels.)FARMER: I’m asking you nicely.GOOSE: And I’m refusing you nicely.FARMER: What do you want? You want me to say please? Okay,

please. How’s that?GOOSE: Can’t help you.FARMER: Pretty please, lay another golden egg.GOOSE: I laid a golden egg this morning.FARMER: That was hours ago.GOOSE: I’ll lay another one tomorrow.FARMER: I can’t wait that long.GOOSE: What do you do with them?FARMER: None of your beeswax.GOOSE: They’re my eggs.FARMER: No, I’m the farmer, you’re the goose, you belong to me. So

they’re my eggs. And I would like another.GOOSE: Tomorrow.FARMER: That’s hours from now. I’ve got needs, you know.GOOSE: You need to learn a little patience.FARMER: Fine. Fine, can you teach me to be patient?GOOSE: Yes. I’d love to.FARMER: Thank you.GOOSE: Just give me a minute.FARMER: A minute? Oh, well just forget it, then. Go lay an egg!GOOSE: Aesop, I think there’s a valuable lesson here.AESOP: I don’t want a lesson.GOOSE: Everything in life can teach us something.AESOP: Not interested.GOOSE: Just hear me out.AESOP: Leave me alone.GOOSE: I’m saying there’s a moral if we look for it.AESOP: Not paying attention.

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GOOSE: Here’s an example. “If you don’t pay attention, you might miss out on a good moral.”

AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) No matter what I do or how hard I concentrate, they won’t be quiet and won’t get out of my head. (AUNT and GRASSHOPPER ENTER. AUNT is dressed in a toga. She looks real but is a fi gment of AESOP’S imagination, just like all the others. GRASSHOPPER wears the robes of a Chinese priest.)

AUNT: I made a list of all the things that need to be done.GRASSHOPPER: I shall get to it. Tomorrow.AUNT: Oh no, this has to be done right away. No time to waste.GRASSHOPPER: Is it not written, “Tomorrow is another day”?AUNT: I don’t know if it’s written. I should fi nd out. I’ll make a note

to myself. (Pulls out a scroll and starts writing with a quill.) Hello, Aesop.

AESOP: Hello, Aunt Daphne. (To AUDIENCE.) This is how I imagine my mom’s sister looks. That makes her my aunt.

AUNT: Yes, I’m an aunt, and this is my new assistant, Grasshopper.GRASSHOPPER: (Bows deeply.) The honor of my ancestors is upon

me. (Pulls out a wooden fl ute.)AUNT: Oh no, put that away. We have a lot of work to do.GRASSHOPPER: Is it not said, “All work and no play makes Jack a

dull boy”?HARE: That’s Lightning Jack to you, bud. And I’m a girl.AUNT: Are you all right, Aesop?AESOP: My head’s hurting again.AUNT: (Feels his forehead like a doting mother hen.) Oh, you need to

lie down, close your eyes and relax with your thoughts.AESOP: No, that’s the problem.AUNT: You can’t lie down?AESOP: No, my thoughts. My thoughts are the problem.FOX: (ENTERS.) Oh, so what, you’re having a party? I wasn’t invited.

Not that I care. I don’t care. Probably a stupid party anyway.HARE: So, Fox, just now gettin’ here, huh?FOX: Why, am I late? I don’t care about being late. Who wants to be

the fi rst one to a party anyway?HARE: Winners. Guess who was the fi rst one here?FOX: Who?HARE: Lightning Jack.FOX: Who’s Lightning Jack?

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HARE: I am. Cool name, huh? Bet you wish you could have a cool name.

FOX: I don’t need a cool name. Cool names are just dumb anyway.TORTOISE: (ENTERS. He talks really slowly.) Well… here I am.HARE: Hey, Tortoise, fi nally made it, huh?TORTOISE: Yes… I fi nally made it.BOY: Where’ve you been? Everybody was asking about you.TORTOISE: Really?BOY: Nah, I’m just joshin’ with you. Nobody even noticed you weren’t

here.TORTOISE: Oh.BOY: But I missed you.TORTOISE: Really?BOY: No, man. Boom! Gotcha again.TORTOISE: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool—FARMER: (Tired of waiting for him to fi nish the sentence.) —me twice

shame on me. We get it. Chop-chop, Yertle. Some of us have things to do.

LION: What are you going to do? Maybe we could all do it together. You, me and my best pal, Androcles.

ANDROCLES: I may have some stuff to do.LION: Chores and stuff. It’s a two-man job.ANDROCLES: (To AESOP.) You gotta get him away from me. He won’t

let me alone.GOOSE: I think there’s a lesson in that.AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) This is what it’s like inside my head. All the

time.MOM: (From OFFSTAGE.) Aesop!HARE: Whoa, Aesop. I think your mom is calling you.MOM: (ENTERS with DAD and spots AESOP.) There you are! (To DAD.)

There he is. Do you see?DAD: Yes, I see.MOM: Tell him he shouldn’t run away. Tell him that.DAD: You shouldn’t run away, son.AESOP: Sorry, Dad, I wasn’t running away.MOM: Kids who run away from their parents get stolen by wolves and

raised as animals.WOLF: That is totally not true. That’s a lie. She’s a liar.BOY: Hey, lady, that job is taken.

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AESOP: (To BOY.) Don’t talk to my mom that way!MOM: Who is he talking to?DAD: I don’t know.MOM: Well, ask him.AESOP: I’m not talking to anybody, Mom.HARE: (To AESOP.) What, your mom can’t see us?AESOP: (To HARE.) No.MOM: No? No what?AESOP: No, I’m not talking to anybody, Mom.HARE: That is so cool. Nobody can see us but you?MOM: Are you all right?AESOP: (To both.) Yes.HARE: (Dancing in front of MOM.) Hey, lady! Booogity-boogity-boo.

(MOM doesn’t see her.) I’m a fi gment of imagination. What is faster than that?

AESOP: Nothing.MOM: What?AESOP: Nothing!FOX: You mean I’m not really a fox?WOLF: I’m not really a sheep? Or even a wolf pretending to be a

sheep?FOX: That’s okay. I didn’t want to be real anyway. Being real and

corporeal is for losers.AESOP: You’re not a loser.MOM: (To DAD.) See that? He’s talking to his imaginary friends

again.DAD: At least he has friends. Before I met you, my best friend was

an olive pit.MOM: It’s not normal.DAD: Went everywhere together, Pit and I.LION: (To ANDROCLES.) Like you and me. (ANDROCLES sighs heavily.)MOM: It’s not healthy.DAD: Took that pit to prom, but I swallowed it by mistake.GOOSE: (To AESOP.) I think there could be a moral here.AESOP: Shut up.MOM: Don’t talk to your father like that! Boys who talk to their fathers

like that have their lips sewn shut by Zeus.DAD: I don’t think Zeus goes around sewing up people’s lips.MOM: He’s acting crazy.

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AUNT: (Feels his forehead.) I don’t think it’s an act. We should do something.

GRASSHOPPER: Is it not written, “Doing stuff sucks”?MOM: We should do something.DAD: We’re slaves. What can we do?MOM: Something. People who don’t do anything waste their entire

lives.GRASSHOPPER: Sounds good to me.MOM: And they have their eyes pecked out by crows.GRASSHOPPER: (Puts on sunglasses.) Bummer. (Looks around

nervously for crows.)MOM: (To AESOP.) Our master has been away, attending a special

session of the senate in Athens.AESOP: (Distracted by GRASSHOPPER.) Huh?MOM: You know, Athens—the capital of Greece and the center of both

the arts and politics. Aesop, our master is a very powerful man, and after several weeks in a faraway city, he is returning home today.

FARMER: She going to wrap up this story pretty soon?GOOSE: I mostly do morals. This is all exposition.MOM: He’ll be here any minute.AESOP: So?MOM: Don’t you see? If our owner sees you acting like this, he’ll think

you’re crazy. Nobody wants a crazy slave.FARMER: (To GOOSE.) Or a lazy goose. Chop-chop, make with the

eggs.MOM: He’ll sell you. Our family will be broken up. (To DAD.) We’ll never

see our boy again. (Cries on DAD’S shoulder.)DAD: (Pats her gently.) There, there. He won’t think our boy is crazy.GOOSE: Crazy is as crazy does.AESOP: Enough with the morals.GOOSE: Just think there’s something to be learned here.AESOP: I don’t want to learn things. I want my time to be light and

fl uffy.GOOSE: You can have fun and still learn something.AESOP: You don’t have to be pedantic and overbearing.DAD: Okay, maybe he will think our boy is crazy.MOM: What are we going to do?DAD: (Afraid to hear the answer, but he has to ask.) Son, do you really…

see people?

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AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) Maybe it’s time I tell him. Maybe he can help me. (To DAD.) All the time, Dad.

DAD: Right now?AESOP: Yeah, Dad. Except they’re mainly not people. They’re animals

who think and talk like people.DAD: Okay, son, don’t worry. We’re going to get you some help. Come

on. (Grabs AESOP’S hand and leads him across the stage. The other characters, except MOM, follow. WOLF lags behind.)

ANDROCLES: Where are we going?AESOP: I don’t know.DAD: Don’t know what?AESOP: Where we’re going.DAD: I’ll show you.ANDROCLES: He can’t just tell us?LION: Don’t worry, it’ll be fun—as long as we’re together.ANDROCLES: Aesop, I really need to talk to you.AESOP: Not now.DAD: It has to be now, son.AESOP: I wasn’t talking to you, Dad.DAD: The sooner the better.HARE: (To WOLF.) Aren’t you coming?WOLF: I don’t think I should.HARE: Why not?WOLF: I’m not really a follower.HARE: All sheep are followers.WOLF: I’m not a sheep.HARE: (Pats his head like a two-year-old.) No, you’re a big bad wolf.

Yes, you are.WOLF: You know I could eat you in one bite.HARE: Oh, now don’t get maa-a-a-aaad. (Makes that last word sound

like a “baa.”)WOLF: Now you’re just being cruel.HARE: I’m sorry. I take it baa-a-a-aaack.WOLF: This is just embarrassing. (AESOP, DAD and IMAGINARY

CHARACTERS EXIT, leaving MOM alone ONSTAGE. She kneels.)MOM: Oh, great Zeus, mightiest of gods. Please hear my prayers.

Please hear me, oh great, powerful Zeus. I beg of you. Listen to my plea. (LIGHTS SHIFT to the platform. We hear some STRANGE, MAGICAL MUSIC. If you have a fog machine, now is the time to use it. Let’s make that upper platform look as much like a cloud as

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we can. HERA ENTERS, wearing a glittering toga and looking very goddessy. She looks down at MOM for a moment, then calls OFF.)

HERA: Zeus. Zeus!ZEUS: (From OFFSTAGE.) What?HERA: Someone’s calling you.ZEUS: (From OFFSTAGE.) Someone’s always calling me.HERA: This one looks pretty important.ZEUS: (From OFFSTAGE.) Take a message.HERA: I am your wife. I am a goddess. Do I look like your secretary?ZEUS: Fine. (ENTERS, wearing a glittering toga, a crown of gold leaves,

a snorkel mask and fl ippers.) What is sooooooo important?HERA: What are you wearing?ZEUS: Poseidon is taking me snorkeling. We’re going to throw rocks

at the mermaids.HERA: You are not throwing rocks at the mermaids.ZEUS: Why not? We’re gods. What are they going to do about it?HERA: You could hurt them.ZEUS: So?HERA: You are a benevolent god.ZEUS: (Stamps his feet like a child throwing a tantrum.) I am? Oh, I

hate that! Why do I always have to be benevolent?HERA: It’s in your nature.ZEUS: What if I want to be a vengeful god?HERA: You won’t have any believers.ZEUS: I could make them believe.HERA: You catch more fl ies with honey than with vinegar.ZEUS: I don’t even know what that means. It’s not fair. It’s always,

“Don’t throw rocks at the mermaids.” “Stop smiting people with lightning.” “If Mercury jumped off a cliff…”

HERA: You’re better than Mercury.ZEUS: I don’t want to be.HERA: You’re head of the gods. You have to set an example.ZEUS: Fine. (Screams at MOM.) What do you want, lady?MOM: (Still praying. She never actually makes eye contact with ZEUS,

or even opens her eyes.) Oh, mighty Zeus. I beg you to help my son.

ZEUS: (To HERA.) Who’s her son again?HERA: Aesop.ZEUS: You just know that right off the top of your head?

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HERA: I like to keep up on our believers.ZEUS: What’s, what’s-his-name’s—HERA: Aesop.ZEUS: —Aesop’s problem?MOM: Please cure his insanity.ZEUS: He’s insane?HERA: Evidently.ZEUS: Cool. Wait. Is he the fun kind of crazy where they make silly

noises and it’s okay to laugh, or the dangerous, creepy, violent kind of crazy?

MOM: He hears voices in his head.ZEUS: He hears voices?MOM: Stories and characters. He believes them to be real.ZEUS: People believe we’re real. Oh, ba-doom-chick. Zing.MOM: He thinks these people in his head are real. (Stays in a praying

position.)ZEUS: This is an easy one. This sounds like a muse problem. Who’s

his muse?HERA: Daphinity.ZEUS: Daphinity. (Shakes his head in disbelief at HERA.) You just have

all this memorized? You don’t need to look it up in a scroll or anything?

HERA: I like to care about our believers.ZEUS: You need a hobby. All right, get Daphinity in here.HERA: (Calls OFFSTAGE.) Daphinity. Daphinity! Your god is calling you!DAPHINITY: (From OFFSTAGE.) Just a minute!ZEUS: I’m going to miss the tide, and Poseidon is going to get all the

good rocks.HERA: Daphinity!DAPHINITY: (ENTERS. This is a muse who probably looked great at one

time. But her hair is matted, there are dark circles under her eyes, and she is one angry little girl.) What?! What do you want? What?!

ZEUS: You’re a muse?DAPHINITY: Yes, I’m a muse. You want to see my license?ZEUS: (To HERA.) I thought muses were beautiful young women who

helped mortals with their creativity? Inspiring them through their beauty to create art, poetry, plays and stories.

DAPHINITY: Yeah, that’s me.ZEUS: I did say “through their beauty,” right?

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DAPHINITY: Hey, I’m a babe. I’m a babe.ZEUS: Not that it matters. I’m sure you’ve got a charming

personality.DAPHINITY: (Screams.) I do! I’m smart, I’m witty, I’m fun at parties!ZEUS: Right, it’s what’s inside that counts. (Sotto to HERA.) Thank

me.DAPHINITY: Hey, you try being a muse to that guy.HERA: Aesop is a challenge?DAPHINITY: A challenge? A challenge? Did you say challenge?ZEUS: (Yells like she’s deaf.) Yes! A challenge. Sorry about your

deafness. (To HERA.) We should get Hygieia to look at her ears.DAPHINITY: There’s nothing wrong with my ears.HERA: I think she was being incredulous.ZEUS: I don’t even know what that means. Okay, new rule. You don’t

get to say things I don’t know what they mean.DAPHINITY: I’ve been a muse for a thousand years. All the curlicues

on the Parthenon? That’s me. Limericks? Mine. But this guy?!HERA: He has no creativity?DAPHINITY: No. That’s all he’s got. He’s creating all the time. I haven’t

slept in two months. Even when he sleeps, he dreams in stories. He’s got stories and characters and ideas all the time. I can’t keep up. I’m exhausted. I’m starving. I’m burned out.

ZEUS: You’re cranky.DAPHINITY: I’m not cranky!ZEUS: I was trying to help.DAPHINITY: Then zip it. I’m talking to the lady.ZEUS: Don’t you speak to your god that way! I am Zeus, the all

powerful, the all knowing.DAPHINITY: All knowing? Water is made up of two parts hydrogen and

one part what?ZEUS: (Thinks furiously.) Umm… ah… blue.DAPHINITY: One part blue? H two blue? Zip it, I’m talking to the

lady.HERA: Daphinity, your work with Aesop is impressive.DAPHINITY: Thank you.HERA: But it is now endangering his existence. You must help him

purge the voices from his head.ZEUS: Purge?HERA: It means “to get rid of.”

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ZEUS: Did you hear my new rule?DAPHINITY: You want me to delete all the creating he’s done?HERA: Not delete. Manage. Help him to not appear insane to other

mortals.DAPHINITY: How do I do that?ZEUS: I don’t know, that’s your department. We’re not the muses, are

we? Just help the guy not look crazy.DAPHINITY: (Through gritted teeth.) I’ll try.ZEUS: You’ll do it or I’ll yank your license.DAPHINITY: (Burning with rage.) Yes, your divine highness.ZEUS: (To HERA.) Now can I go?HERA: Yes. Take your fl oaties. (ZEUS EXITS. HERA turns to DAPHINITY.)

Daphinity, please do what you can to help the boy. Make him appear sane.

DAPHINITY: Yes, Hera. (EXITS. LIGHTS FADE on the upper platform. MOM is still on her knees.)

MOM: So that’s what I’m asking. Please help my son, oh mighty Zeus. (DAD, with DOCTOR in tow, ENTERS with AESOP. DOCTOR walks with a cane. The whole IMAGINARY MENAGERIE except TORTOISE also ENTERS. WOLF still wears his sheep costume.)

DAD: I’ve brought help.MOM: Hello.DOCTOR: Hello, Mrs. Aesop’s mother.MOM: Who are you?DOCTOR: I am a doctor. Your husband thought maybe I could help.MOM: Who’s sick?DOCTOR: Your husband says your son.AESOP: I’m not sick.MOM: Don’t talk back to a doctor. Children who talk back to doctors

have their toes chewed off by beetles.AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) Where does she get these crazy notions? (To

MOM.) Beetles aren’t going to chew off my toes.MOM: You don’t know that.AESOP: You don’t know they will.MOM: Have you ever talked back to a doctor?AESOP: No.MOM: See? And beetles have never chewed off your toes. Do you

want to risk it? (To DOCTOR.) Aesop isn’t that kind of sick.DOCTOR: And I am not that kind of doctor. I am a talking doctor.HARE: And I’m a talking rabbit.

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AESOP: Hare.HARE: You won’t call me Lighting Jack, but you’ll argue over what I

am?WOLF: You all argue over what I am.HARE: (Pats WOLF’S head patronizingly.) Yes, we do.DOCTOR: I help people who have some trouble… up here. (Taps his

temple.)MOM: You can help him not be crazy?DOCTOR: I can try.LION: Hey, this should be fun. (Sits on the ground. To ANDROCLES,

patting the ground beside him.) Sit down. I saved you a seat.ANDROCLES: Aesop, I really need to talk to you.AESOP: Not now.MOM: It has to be now. People who hesitate get run over by buffalo.AESOP: Mom, this is Greece in 620 B.C. (To AUDIENCE.) Don’t ask me

how I know that. (To MOM.) There are no buffalo here.BOY: I just saw a whole herd of buffalo the other day.AESOP: You’re kidding.BOY: Yeah, I am. Booya!MOM: You see that? You see what he’s doing? He talks to his

imaginary friends.DOCTOR: I need to talk to Aesop alone.DAD: Come along, Mother.MOM: You listen to the nice doctor. Answer all his questions. (She and

DAD EXIT. DOCTOR sits and takes out a scroll and a quill, like a good psychologist. It works well if AESOP can lie down on one bench like a couch. Maybe use a satchel for a pillow.)

DOCTOR: So, Aesop. Tell me about the voices in your head.AESOP: Well, they’re not really voices. They’re animals mainly. But

more like people.DOCTOR: People?WOLF: So now I’m a person in wolf’s clothing in sheep’s clothing?AUNT: You should always dress in layers during the cold winter

months.DOCTOR: You actually see people and talking animals in your head?DAPHINITY: (Rushes ON.) Aesop, don’t answer him!AESOP: (Sits up. To AUDIENCE.) Whoa, who’s this? She’s not anyone I

imagined. (To DAPHINITY.) I have to.DOCTOR: You have to see talking animals in your head?

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DAPHINITY: Why?DOCTOR: Why?AESOP: My mother told me I had to.DOCTOR: Your mother? Tell me about your mother.AESOP: (To DAPHINITY.) Who are you?DOCTOR: I’m sorry, I’m Doctor Sigmund Plato.AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) Play-Doh? My doctor’s named after colored

clay?DOCTOR: That’s Plato. I study under Socrates.DAPHINITY: I’m Daphinity.AESOP: (To DAPHINITY.) Why are you here?DOCTOR: I’m here to help you.DAPHINITY: I’m your muse.AESOP: My muse?DOCTOR: Oh, that’s very kind, but no. Think of me as just a doctor.AESOP: I wasn’t talking to you.DOCTOR: You weren’t?DAPHINITY: Yes, you were.AESOP: I was?DAPHINITY: Yes.AESOP: (To DOCTOR.) I was.DOCTOR: I see. (Writes furiously on the scroll.)DAPHINITY: Listen to me, Aesop. (AESOP turns to her.) What are you

doing? Don’t look at me! (Startled, AESOP looks at the sky.) Don’t look up! (AESOP looks at the fl oor.) Don’t look down. Just look natural. (AESOP strikes a pose of ridiculous nonchalance.) Just listen to me. The doctor can’t see or hear me. I’m your muse and I exist inside your head.

AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) She’s exists only in my head, and I didn’t even create her. Imagine that!

AUNT: Welcome, dear. We’re all family.DAPHINITY: (Ignores her and sticks with AESOP.) If this doctor tells

your owner that you’re crazy, your owner will sell you. You’ll never see your mom or dad again. We have to convince this doctor that you have no stories or imaginary characters inside your head. Do you understand?

AESOP: I do.DOCTOR: (Looks up from his notes.) Do what?AESOP: Do… think of you as just a doctor.DOCTOR: Very good. (Goes back to his notes.)

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TORTOISE: (ENTERS… slowly.) Here I am.BOY: Dude, you’re the fi rst one here.TORTOISE: I am?BOY: No, dude, look around. Boom. Gotcha.DAPHINITY: (Talks to the IMAGINARY MENAGERIE like a school teacher.)

All right, we need to clear this area. Everybody out. Let’s go.LION: What, we’re leaving?ANDROCLES: I’m not leaving.LION: Then I’m not either. You and me, bud.DAPHINITY: Everybody has to go.ANDROCLES: I need to talk to Aesop.FARMER: Me too.DAPHINITY: Not now.FARMER: Then when? I’m tired of waiting.GOOSE: I also have a few things I’d like to say.DAPHINITY: (Tries to usher them OFFSTAGE.) Let’s go. Everybody out.WOLF: Who put you in charge? I’m the alpha dog here.DAPHINITY: You’re not a dog.WOLF: Wolves are part of the canine family.HARE: (Pats his head like a two-year-old.) That’s right, they are.WOLF: Stop that.AUNT: And who are you, dear?DAPHINITY: I’m Aesop’s muse. I helped create you guys.FARMER: You helped create us?DAPHINITY: Yes.FARMER: You couldn’t have created a goose that lays more than one

egg a day?GOOSE: I can’t lay more than one egg a day unless I’m frightened.FARMER: Boo!GOOSE: That wasn’t scary.FARMER: I need to talk to Aesop.ANDROCLES: Get in line.FARMER: There’s a line now?DOCTOR: So, Aesop, let’s talk about the people in your head.DAPHINITY: (To AESOP.) Don’t talk about us. Pretend we’re not here.AESOP: I’ll try.DOCTOR: Good.DAPHINITY: Good.

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DOCTOR: How often do you hear these voices?AESOP: (Lies.) I don’t. Not anymore. They’re all gone.DOCTOR: Really?AESOP: Yes, they’re all gone now.BOY: (To TORTOISE.) He’s a great liar.TORTOISE: He is?BOY: No, he’s terrible. Gotcha again. Yowza.DOCTOR: Well, that’s good news.DAPHINITY: Good job, Aesop.AESOP: Thank you.DOCTOR/DAPHINITY: You’re welcome.DOCTOR: I’d like to understand where they came from.FARMER: Aesop, how do you scare a goose?AESOP: I don’t know.FARMER: Dang.DOCTOR: Oh, come now, Aesop. Surely you know how the imaginary

people in your head were created.AESOP: I really don’t know.DOCTOR: Tell me about your childhood. Are you lonely?AESOP: No.DOCTOR: Your parents tell me you don’t have many friends.AUNT: That is so sad.AESOP: No, not really.AUNT: You need to get out and play more.DAPHINITY: Everybody needs to leave.DOCTOR: If I didn’t have many friends, I might be tempted to create

some.LION: (To ANDROCLES.) Let’s leave Aesop alone. Hey, want to go to

the beach?ANDROCLES: No.LION: We can bring Frisbees.ANDROCLES: Aesop, I really need to talk to you.DAPHINITY: Leave him alone.AUNT: He’s seeing a doctor, dear.LION: Come on, Androcles.ANDROCLES: This can’t wait.FARMER: Who can?WOLF: (To AESOP.) So if you created me, why’d you put me in sheep’s

clothing?

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DAPHINITY: Stop it! (The scene starts to move faster and faster like a runaway train. DAPHINITY is trying to usher the MENAGERIE OFFSTAGE, but they just keep surrounding AESOP, asking questions and generally bothering him. All the while he’s trying not to look insane and doing his best to ignore them, but he can’t always. The scene picks up steam and can’t be stopped.)

DOCTOR: Is that what you did, Aesop, created some imaginary friends?

FARMER: There has to be a way to scare a goose.AESOP: Maybe.DAPHINITY: (Pulls FARMER away.) Let him be. (To AESOP.) Ignore us.DOCTOR: They really didn’t go away, did they, Aesop?ANDROCLES: I need to talk to you.AESOP: No.DOCTOR: No, I didn’t think so.ANDROCLES: It’s important.AESOP: (Tries to ignore ANDROCLES.) La-di-da-di-da.DOCTOR: Why are you humming, Aesop?DAPHINITY: (Pulls ANDROCLES away.) Hey! (To AESOP.) Don’t lose your

concentration.AESOP: I’m not.DOCTOR: I can hear you humming.AESOP: I stopped.DOCTOR: Was it to cover the voices?AESOP: No.DAPHINITY: I’m not kidding, everybody out! (Tries to push them

OFFSTAGE. GRASSHOPPER pulls free of her grasp and lies down at AESOP’S feet.)

GRASSHOPPER: Is it not written, “Here is where the heart is”?DAPHINITY: That’s “Home is where the heart is.”GRASSHOPPER: Then I am home.DAPHINITY: Get up. (Tries to pull GRASSHOPPER to his feet, but that

puts her butt almost smack dab in AESOP’S face.)DOCTOR: Aesop, look at me.AESOP: (Leaning around the rump in his sightline.) I am. (DAPHINITY

moves left, so AESOP leans right. Then DAPHINITY leans right, so AESOP goes left. DOCTOR tries to follow and suddenly they’re swinging like metronomes.)

DAPHINITY: (To GRASSHOPPER.) Get up! You are not helping Aesop.

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GRASSHOPPER: Is it not written, “The gods help those who help themselves”?

GOOSE: (To AESOP.) See, that’s a moral. That’s what I’m talking about. (DAPHINITY manages to drag GRASSHOPPER away, but ANDROCLES is right there.)

ANDROCLES: Lion is driving me crazy.AESOP: Not crazy.DOCTOR: I know you’re trying.ANDROCLES: He won’t leave me alone.AESOP: I know how you feel.DOCTOR: How do I feel, Aesop?ANDROCLES: I pulled that stupid thorn out of his foot and now he

wants to hang out all the time. I can’t get a moment to myself. You know how that makes me feel?

AESOP: Frustrated?ANDROCLES: Exactly.DOCTOR: Well, yes, a little.DAPHINITY: You’re not ignoring us, Aesop. You’ve got to ignore us.DOCTOR: Because I don’t think you trust me.AESOP: I can’t.DOCTOR: And if you don’t trust me, then I can’t help you.WOLF: If you created me, then why did you dress me like a sheep?DOCTOR: Trust me, Aesop.FOX: The government is spying on us, but that doesn’t scare me.FARMER: Boy, are you cynical.LION: You sharing secrets with Aesop?ANDROCLES: No.LION: You guys BFF now?DAPHINITY: (Pulls LION away.) Leave him alone.ANDROCLES: (To AESOP.) You’ve got to get Lion off my back.AESOP: (Hands over his ears.) La-di-da.DOCTOR: (Pulls the hands away.) You can’t ignore me, Aesop.DAPHINITY: You’ve got to ignore us, Aesop.AUNT: He doesn’t look so good.BOY: I think he looks fi ne.AUNT: You do? Really?BOY: No, he’s freakin’ out. Booya!WOLF: (To AESOP.) What’s with this whole cross-dressing thing?

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HARE: All right, what if it’s not Lightning Jack? What about Lightning Jackie?

DOCTOR: Aesop.ANDROCLES: You’ve got to do something.HARE: Lightning Jackie? Huh, what do you think?WOLF: How would you like it if I put you in a dress? (AESOP stands, hands

over his ears again. WOLF looks at the toga he’s wearing.) Oh, well. Sorry. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, I guess.

GOOSE: (To AESOP.) Another moral! See, this is what I’m talking about. Are you listening to me?

DOCTOR: Aesop, are you listening to me?AESOP: Arrrgh. My head hurts.DAPHINITY: Leave him alone.FOX: If everybody else is talking to him, why can’t I talk to him?DAPHINITY: Back off.FOX: Fine, I didn’t want to talk to him anyway. He’s a crazy person.FARMER: (Chasing the goose, making scary noises.) Ka-kaw! Hoo-hah!

Boogity. Cha!GOOSE: (Running away.) I’m not scared. (The chase continues with

FARMER running after GOOSE. GRASSHOPPER is lying in the middle of the chase. Everyone is shoving everyone else aside to get to poor AESOP, who’s about to lose it.)

TORTOISE: Aesop. Why do I talk so slow?WOLF: Aesop.ANDROCLES: Aesop.FOX: Aesop.HARE: Aesop.DOCTOR: Aesop.BOY: Aesop.LION: Aesop.DOCTOR: Aesop.AUNT: (Feels AESOP’S forehead.) Aesop!DOCTOR: Aesop!AESOP: (Finally snaps.) Shut up! Shut up, just shut up!DOCTOR: Aesop.AESOP: (Grabs DOCTOR’S cane and wields it like a club, swinging to

protect himself.) Arrrraggggh! I don’t want to hurt you.DOCTOR: Aesop?!BOY: Oh, man, the dude’s fl ipped out.

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DAPHINITY: No, he hasn’t.BOY: I’m tellin’ ya, he’s lost it.DAPHINITY: He’s fi ne.BOY: Why don’t you ever believe me?DAPHINITY: Seriously?DOCTOR: (Stands and crosses to AESOP.) Aesop, listen to me—AESOP: Go away! Get out of here.DOCTOR: I’m trying to help.DAPHINITY: I’m trying to help.AESOP: Just leave me alone. Arrrrrrgh!DOCTOR: EEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEE! (Screams like a little girl as AESOP

swings the cane like a wild man. Hobbles OFF as AESOP collapses to his knees.)

DAPHINITY: (Finally makes progress ushering the MENAGERIE OFFSTAGE.) Out. Out-out-out. Let’s go. Before you make things worse.

FARMER: Things can get worse? (MENAGERIE EXITS, mumbling and ad-libbing reactions to AESOP’S meltdown. Soon he’s alone ONSTAGE, and the LIGHTS COME UP on the platform. HERA is there, shaking her head.)

HERA: Oh, Aesop. Poor, poor Aesop.ZEUS: (ENTERS the platform with a bandage on his head.) Hey, how’d

it go with what’s-his-name?HERA: Aesop. Badly. Daphinity was unable to— (Sees the bandage.)

—What happened to your head?ZEUS: Nothing.HERA: You threw rocks at the mermaids.ZEUS: No. I… you know… might’ve thrown them toward the

mermaids.HERA: You missed.ZEUS: There are all kinds of tides and currents.HERA: And they threw back.ZEUS: Turns out they have a softball team. That pitcher has a wicked

fastball. My head hurts.HERA: (Indicates AESOP.) Not as much as his.ZEUS: Daphinity failed?HERA: I don’t see how she could’ve succeeded.ZEUS: So everyone thinks he’s crazy?HERA: We’re about to fi nd out. (LIGHTS OUT on the platform. AESOP is

still on his knees, clutching his head. BOY runs ON.)

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BOY: Aesop! Aesop! Your master is coming. (AESOP doesn’t move.) He’s back! He’s on his way here. You have to get up! Did you hear me?

AESOP: I heard you.BOY: He can’t see you like this. (AESOP doesn’t move.) Your master

is coming!AESOP: Ha, ha.BOY: I’m serious.AESOP: I don’t believe you.BOY: (Genuinely hurt.) Why not?AESOP: Go away.BOY: This is serious. Daphinity fi nally explained what will happen if

your master thinks you’re crazy. I understand. You’ve got to believe me.

AESOP: Ha. (MASTER ENTERS, sandwiched between the furious DOCTOR on one side and a frantic MOM and DAD on the other.)

MOM: Oh please, Master. Master, please. My son is not crazy.DOCTOR: He is very crazy.MOM: No, he’s just imaginative.DOCTOR: He’s certifi able.MOM: He hasn’t done anything wrong.DOCTOR: He tried to attack me with a cane.MOM: Liar! People who tell lies get their tongues pecked out by

penguins.DAD: Penguins?MOM: Penguins.MASTER: This is Greece. There are no penguins here.MOM: (To DOCTOR.) You just keep telling lies and fi nd out.DOCTOR: This boy is a danger to himself and to others. That is the

truth. You have to send him away.MOM: No!DOCTOR: For his own protection. And your own.MASTER: I need to speak with the boy alone.DOCTOR: I don’t recommend that. (Loud whisper.) He’s still got the

cane.MASTER: Alone.DAD: Come along, Mother. (He, MOM and DOCTOR EXIT. MASTER sits

next to AESOP. BOY remains ONSTAGE.)MASTER: So, Aesop. The doctor tells me you tried to hurt him.

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AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) This is it. The moment of truth. (To MASTER.) I wasn’t trying to hurt anybody, sir.

MASTER: He says you raised a cane.AESOP: Not to hurt anybody. I just wanted ’em to stop.MASTER: You wanted the doctor to stop what?AESOP: Not him, sir. Them.MASTER: Who?BOY: Don’t tell him.MASTER: Who, Aesop?AESOP: The voices in my head, sir.BOY: Aw, whatcha go and tell him for?MASTER: You hear voices in your head?BOY: Tell him no.AESOP: Yes, sir.BOY: Why’d you do that?AESOP: Because I’m not like you.BOY: What’d I do?MASTER: You hear them now?AESOP: Yes, sir.MASTER: Can you tell me about them?AESOP: They’re just characters I make up.MASTER: I’d like to hear about them.AESOP: It won’t help.MASTER: Afraid I must insist.AESOP: I’m sorry, sir.MASTER: Please. (That’s a big deal for a master to say to a slave.)DAPHINITY: (ENTERS.) Go ahead. Tell him, Aesop.AESOP: You told me not to.DAPHINITY: I think maybe I was wrong. Maybe the problem is that

you’re not sharing them. You’re keeping them locked in your own head. Maybe you need to let them go.

AESOP: But they’re wild.DAPHINITY: No, Aesop. They only seem wild because they’re trapped

in your mind. You control them, they don’t control you. Just talk about them.

AESOP: (Uncertain, but game.) Okay.MASTER: Okay.DAPHINITY: (Calls OFFSTAGE.) Everybody in! Everybody in, let’s go.

(The IMAGINARY CHARACTERS ENTER.)

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WOLF: First it was out, now it’s in.DAPHINITY: Aesop is going to tell some stories, and we’re all going

to help him.FARMER: You know what would be a big help? A golden egg.DAPHINITY: Stop being so selfi sh. You’re all running around like

the world owes you something. It doesn’t. We owe something to Aesop, and we’re all going to be here for him now.

MASTER: (To AESOP.) Are you all right?AESOP: Just getting my thoughts together, sir.DAPHINITY: We’re ready, Aesop.AESOP: Okay. I don’t know where to begin really. Ummm… okay, there

was this tortoise and a hare.HARE: Lightning Jack. (To TORTOISE.) We’ll call you Pokey.AESOP: So the tortoise and the hare—HARE: Pokey and Lightning Jack.AESOP: —were best friends. But the hare—HARE: Lightning Jack.AESOP: —kept bragging about how fast he was—HARE: Lightning, man. Like quicksilver. Warp nine, that’s me.AESOP: —until one day the Tortoise said—TORTOISE: Bet I could beat you.HARE: (Everyone cracks up.) Ha-ha-hahahahahahahaha. That’s great.

That’s comedy.TORTOISE: I’m serious.HARE: You’re not serious.TORTOISE: I’m serious.HARE: Pokey, I would smoke you.TORTOISE: Afraid to try, huh?HARE: Me? I’m not scared. I’m not chicken.WOLF: I’m not a sheep.HARE: (Pats his head.) Of course not.WOLF: Stop that.HARE: You want to race, fi ne. It is so on.AESOP: So they arranged a race. (TORTOISE and HARE line up at an

imaginary starting line.)DAPHINITY: On your mark, get set, go! (HARE takes off like a rocket.

TORTOISE just plods along. HARE runs off, then comes walking back.)

HARE: That’s it? You’re not even going to try?

PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS

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TORTOISE: I’m trying.HARE: That’s just sad, man.TORTOISE: Want to forfeit?HARE: Forfeit? Okay, smart guy, I’ll see you at the fi nish line.AESOP: Hare raced far, far ahead. He had such a commanding lead

that he decided to head into a village. There he met a kid named Androcles. (ANDROCLES takes CENTER STAGE. What follows is story-theater like retelling of the tales. The OTHER CHARACTERS fi ll in for whatever is needed. They need not exit the stage, but instead come and go from the CENTER playing area.)

ANDROCLES: I’m Androcles.AESOP: Androcles’ stepmother was a very bad woman.DAPHINITY: (Pushes AUNT forward.) Pretend you’re a very bad woman.AUNT: I’ve been a little busy is all—DAPHINITY: No, go be a very bad stepmother.AUNT: Oh, I get it. (Donning a stage voice and doing a pretty good

villain, she points to ANDROCLES.) You’re a worthless kid. I don’t love you. Nobody likes you. You smell funny. Arrrgh.

AESOP: Androcles couldn’t take anymore, so he ran away. (ANDROCLES mimes running in place.) He ran deep into the forest until he became lost in all the trees.

DAPHINITY: Trees. Trees, we need trees. (Pulls GOOSE, FOX, WOLF and GRASSHOPPER and poses them like branches.) There, trees.

WOLF: Hey, I’m a tree. My bark is worse than my bite.DAPHINITY: (Pats his head like a two-year-old.) If you say so, dear.WOLF: Stop that. (Takes off the sheep costume and sets it aside.)AESOP: Androcles got scared ’cause he was lost in that deep, dark

forest. (DAPHINITY or OTHERS make forest sounds. Birds and wind and stuff.) He didn’t know how to get home. Then he heard a mighty roar.

LION: (Elbowed by DAPHINITY.) Oh. ROOOOOAAAAAAR.AESOP: Androcles screamed.ANDROCLES: AHHHHHHHHHH!AESOP: Because there was a mighty, ferocious lion.LION: ’Dat’s right. Who bad? I’m bad.AESOP: Androcles knew he was about to get eaten. But as the lion

approached, Androcles saw he was limping. (LION limps slightly.) I mean REALLY limping. (LION drops to the fl oor in pain and practically combat crawls.) The lion could barely move. (LION whimpers.) Androcles knew this was his chance to escape. He turned to run, but—

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LION: (Whimpers.) Owie.AESOP: He saw the lion was hurt. So he carefully approached the

lion.ANDROCLES: What’s wrong? (LION turns over a hand.)AESOP: The lion had a thorn stuck deep into his paw. Ignoring his own

safety, Androcles pulled the thorn from the lion’s paw.LION: Ow.ANDROCLES: Sorry.LION: (Whispers.) ’S’okay, buddy.AESOP: The lion was so grateful, he didn’t eat Androcles. They said

good-bye.ANDROCLES: See you.LION: You da man.AESOP: And Androcles went on his way. That is, until he was captured

by the royal guards. (DAPHINITY shoves BOY and FARMER into the scene. They instantly act like royal guards, grabbing ANDROCLES and dragging him away.)

BOY: Look, a runaway.FARMER: He will make for great sport in the arena.BOY: Ha-ha.FARMER: Ha-ha-ha.BOY: Ha-ha-ha-ha.AESOP: The guards dragged Androcles to the great stadium. (The

“trees” now become spectators in the great arena.)HARE: I should probably be back in the race, but I still have time.AESOP: The emperor came to see the ungrateful runaway punished.GRASSHOPPER: (Shoved into place by DAPHINITY.) I am the emperor.

Is it not written, “It’s good to be the king”?AESOP: They threw Androcles into the arena and let loose a lion. (LION

jumps close to ANDROCLES, roaring.) The lion had been starved for weeks and was half crazy with hunger. (LION makes stupid faces and stumbles around like an idiot.)

DAPHINITY: What are you doing?LION: He said I was half crazy.AESOP: That lion would’ve eaten anything. But as he got closer, he

recognized—LION: Androcles? Is that you?ANDROCLES: Lion? (They hug.)LION: Hey, how are you?ANDROCLES: Good to see you.

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LION: You too. Long time.ANDROCLES: Yeah, how’s the paw?LION: Good. Good.AESOP: The emperor was confused.GRASSHOPPER: Why isn’t the lion eating the kid?LION: Hey, you want to get some coffee or something?ANDROCLES: Duh.LION: Let’s go. (Turns his back and ANDROCLES climbs on piggy-back

style.)AESOP: So the lion took Androcles on his back and together they

escaped into the forest.LION: And that’s how we became best buds.ANDROCLES: Ta-da!MASTER: (Claps.) Wonderful. Then what happens?AESOP: Well, Hare left the arena and went back to the race.HARE: (Races back to CENTER STAGE to see TORTOISE slowly crossing

it.) This is it? This is the best you got?TORTOISE: Gonna beat you.HARE: You’re cute. Delusional, but cute.AESOP: Hare raced onward. Until he came across a wolf.WOLF: (His sheep costume is still off.) Aeeeeooooooowwwwww!HARE: (Pats his head like a two-year-old. Patronizing as ever.) Ooh, that

was very scary.WOLF: Stop that.AESOP: And the wolf saw this fl ock of sheep.DAPHINITY: Sheep. We need a fl ock of sheep. (Gathers FOX, GOOSE,

LION and ANDROCLES into a bunch.) There. Sheep.GOOSE: We don’t look like sheep.FOX: I don’t feel like a sheep. What’s my motivation?DAPHINITY: Fine. (Rushes OFF and RE-ENTERS with white felt ponchos

for each “sheep.” Just like WOLF’S, the ponchos are covered with glued on cotton balls.) There. Sheep.

AESOP: The wolf was really hungry and wanted to eat the sheep. But every time he got close… (WOLF closes in on the SHEEP, but they run away.)

SHEEP: BAHHHHHHHHHHH!AESOP: …they just ran away. Wolf was starving. Then he got an idea.WOLF: Oh! I get it now!AESOP: He dressed up in the skin of a sheep. (WOLF puts on his white

poncho that he had set aside.)

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WOLF: Sometimes it’s good to look like a sheep! (Approaches SHEEP.) Hi, guys.

GOOSE: Ahh—oh, it’s just you.FOX: Who’s he?GOOSE: I don’t know, must be a new kid.WOLF: I’m Bob.FOX: Hi, Bob.WOLF: So this is some tasty grass, huh?GOOSE: Oh yeah, tasty.FOX: Best ever.ANDROCLES: Not the brown stuff so much.AESOP: Wolf was able to get close to the sheep. (WOLF snarls. FOX,

ANDROCLES and GOOSE run away. LION limps away slowly.)WOLF: Really, that’s it? You’re not even going to run?LION: I’ve got this thorn in my foot.WOLF: That was the last story.LION: No, for real this time.WOLF: Seems a little anticlimactic, but—AESOP: Wolf grabbed a sheep and ate it. (WOLF mimes taking a bite

out of LION.)MASTER: Marvelous. Is there more?AESOP: You bet. Hare went running back to the race. But Tortoise—TORTOISE: Ta-da.AESOP: Had closed the gap.HARE: Oh, like I wasn’t off watching a couple other stories. Big deal.

Watch this. (Runs off.)AESOP: And Hare raced on.HARE: Lightning Jack!AESOP: Hare came upon a farm. And there’s this farmer, right?MASTER: Okay.AESOP: And he had this goose that laid golden eggs.MASTER: Solid gold?GOOSE: Fourteen carat.HARE: (Comes back.) What about carrots now?GOOSE: My golden eggs are worth 14 carats.HARE: Oh, you could get a lot more for gold. You could probably get

like a hundred carrots. And a whole bushel of potatoes. Maybe some turnips.

GOOSE: Not carrots. Carats.

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HARE: Not following following.GOOSE: Different kind of carats.HARE: I like the orange ones.FARMER: Are you two done? Let’s fi nish the story. Chop-chop.AESOP: Every morning the goose would lay a golden egg.FARMER: (To MASTER.) One lousy egg, does that seem fair?AESOP: Those eggs paid for his home, his food, his clothes, all of his

needs.FARMER: Barely.AESOP: But the farmer was greedy.FARMER: Nu-uh.AESOP: And impatient.FARMER: I’m not impatient. Hurry up and get to the point.AESOP: Every day he’d pester the goose.FARMER: Lay more eggs. Quicker. Faster.AESOP: But it was impossible for the goose to lay more than one egg

a day.FARMER: Impossible?GOOSE: I told you. If you’ll just let me explain—FARMER: Can we get on with the story, please?AESOP: One day the farmer decided he’d had enough.FARMER: That’s it.AESOP: He decided he wanted all of the eggs all at once.FARMER: My farm, my rules.AESOP: So he grabbed the goose. (FARMER does.)GOOSE: Honk!FARMER: And killed it. (Mimes bonking GOOSE on the noggin.)GOOSE: Honk. (Falls to the fl oor.)AESOP: The farmer cut open the goose.MENAGERIE: Oooh. Gross.AESOP: But there were no eggs inside.MASTER: Oh my. What happened next?AESOP: I don’t know.MASTER: You don’t know what happened?AESOP: No. You think something more should happen? I guess the

farmer could lose his house and stuff since he lost his source of daily income.

FARMER: No, it’s fi ne. Story’s over.

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AESOP: He could maybe die of starvation.FARMER: Nope, that’s the end of the tale. Done and done. Get back

to the rabbit story.AESOP: Hare.HARE: Lightning Jack.AESOP: Well, Hare was about to get back to the race. But he came

upon my aunt.AUNT: What do you need me to do? Should I be doing something?AESOP: So my mom’s sister…MASTER: Wait. Your mother doesn’t have a sister.AESOP: I know. I just made her up in my head.AUNT: That’s nice, dear, thank you.AESOP: Aunt was always busy.AUNT: That’s because I have a million things to do. We’ve got to pick

the olives, can the fi gs, make the pita. I’m swamped.AESOP: One day a grasshopper came to the village.GRASSHOPPER: As the wise ones say, “Yo.”AESOP: The grasshopper was amazed at how busy the aunt was.GRASSHOPPER: Is it not written, “Wow”?AUNT: Don’t have time to talk, dear, winter will be here soon. Got to

get ready.AESOP: The grasshopper knew he should be preparing for winter, too,

but—FOX: Hey, Grasshopper, want to go swimming?GRASSHOPPER: Yes.HARE: Can I come?FOX: Sure. (They run off.)AESOP: So the grasshopper let another day slip past.GRASSHOPPER: Marco!HARE: Polo!AESOP: But the next day—AUNT: You should make some jam. It’ll help through the winter.AESOP: The grasshopper knew he should, but—GRASSHOPPER: (Moves CENTER, drying off with a beach towel.) Is it

not said, “What a beautiful day”? (Lies down on the fl oor, hands behind his head.)

AESOP: And another day went by.AUNT: Got to put up the storm windows.AESOP: Grasshopper knew he should build a shelter, but—

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GRASSHOPPER: The wise ones tell us, “Stop and smell the roses.” (GOOSE brings him a rose, and they stand there together, smelling it.)

AESOP: Soon winter came. Aunt was safe, warm and well fed inside her home.

AUNT: It just takes some planning and preparation, dear.AESOP: But the grasshopper was cold and starving.GRASSHOPPER: (Freezing.) S-s-s-so hung-g-gry.AESOP: Until he froze to death. (GRASSHOPPER stops shivering and

falls over.)FOX: (Pokes the statue-like form of GRASSHOPPER.) Gross.MASTER: Marvelous. What happens next?AESOP: Well, with winter upon them, Hare had to get back to the

race.HARE: Oh, man, I’ve got to get my game face on. (TORTOISE comes

plodding out, slow and steady.) That’s it? You’re just now getting here?

TORTOISE: Want to give up?HARE: I can’t believe I gamed my face for this.TORTOISE: You’re going down.HARE: You are a sad little man.AESOP: Hare raced on. He went over hills until he saw a boy.DAPHINITY: (To BOY.) That’s you.BOY: (Leaps to CENTER STAGE.) Awesome-est boy ever!AESOP: And he was a shepherd.GOOSE: Does this mean we have to be sheep again?WOLF: No, I’m still full.DAPHINITY: Different story.AESOP: But the boy got bored sitting in the hills all day long with

nothing but sheep.BOY: There’s nothing to read. Nothing to play.HARE: Want to play pinochle?BOY: Boooo-ring.HARE: How about 20 questions?BOY: Boooring!HARE: Hangman?BOY: Don’t you have some place to be?HARE: Nah, I got time.AESOP: Then one day the boy thought he saw a wolf near the fl ock.

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WOLF: (Jumps next to BOY.) I’m here to eat your sheep.HARE: I thought you were full.WOLF: Different story.AESOP: The boy called back to the village—BOY: SHEEP!WOLF: Stop that.BOY: Okay, WOLF!AESOP: And all the villagers came running.DAPHINITY: (To MENAGERIE.) Run. (MENAGERIE runs into the scene. If

they can wave pitchforks or hoes, so much the better.)FARMER: Where’s the wolf?AESOP: But the wolf had run off. (ALL look to WOLF, just standing there.

He smiles, then DAPHINITY elbows him.)WOLF: Oh, sorry, missed my cue. (Runs OFF.)AESOP: The villagers never saw the wolf. (MENAGERIE looks around

for the absent wolf.) But they told the boy how great he was to protect the fl ock like that.

FARMER: Good job.LION: You are awesome.FOX: You rock.ANDROCLES: Chicks dig you.GOOSE: Wish I could be like him.AESOP: And the boy felt really good about himself.BOY: I am the greatest kid ever. (MENAGERIE disperses.)AESOP: So the next day, the boy didn’t see a wolf. But he said he

did.BOY: WOLF! WOLF!AESOP: And the villagers came running again. (The MENAGERIE runs

CENTER.)FARMER: Where’s the wolf?BOY: Must’ve run off. But aren’t I cool?FARMER: You did okay.LION: You’re fi ne.FOX: Not bad.AESOP: And the villagers went back to work. (MENAGERIE disperses.)

But the boy was missing the attention. So the next day he cried—

BOY: WOLF! (Again the MENAGERIE runs CENTER. BOY poses, ready for his pats on the back and congratulations.)

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FARMER: Where’s the wolf?BOY: I dunno. Aren’t you proud of me, though?LION: (Mumbling as they disband once more.) Stupid kid.FOX: I think I left the iron on.GOOSE: I was in the middle of a shower.FARMER: Rotten little ratzen fratzen.AESOP: The boy was confused. Then—WOLF: (Leaps into the scene again.) Ha-ha! I am here to eat all your

sheep. And how are you going to stop me?BOY: WOLF! WOLF!FARMER: Shut up.BOY: No, really! WOLF!LION: Not listening.BOY: I’m serious, you guys. WOLF!ANDROCLES: Fool me once….FOX: …can’t get fooled again.AESOP: And the wolf ate the entire fl ock. And the village lost

everything.MASTER: That’s terrible.WOLF: Now for some dessert. (Turns to HARE.)HARE: Sorry. Got to run. (Runs CENTER STAGE just in time to see

TORTOISE plodding along.) Don’t you ever give up?TORTOISE: No.AESOP: So Hare raced on once again. This time he came upon a fox.

(FOX takes CENTER STAGE. FARMER has a fi shing pole dangling a bunch of grapes. Every time FOX leaps for the grapes, FARMER pulls them out of reach. It’s like a cruel piñata game.)

HARE: Whatcha doin’?FOX: Trying to get these grapes.HARE: Why?FOX: Look at ’em. They’re plump and juicy. These are the greatest

grapes ever.HARE: Can’t reach ’em, huh?FOX: No.HARE: Did you try a stick?FOX: Tried that.HARE: How about stilts?FOX: You have stilts?HARE: No.

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FOX: How is that going to help me?HARE: How about a ladder?FOX: I don’t see a Home Depot around.HARE: Well, you could always just keep jumpin’.FOX: (Exhausted.) Forget it. I give up.HARE: You don’t want those grapes?FOX: Those grapes. No, look at ’em. They’re all shriveled and sour.

Who would want to eat those? Stupid sour grapes.HARE: I thought you said they looked great.FOX: Sour.HARE: But you just—FOX: Sour!HARE: But—FOX: Sour! Sour! I’m done. I’m fi nished.HARE: Finished?! Oh, man!AESOP: Realizing he was late, Hare raced on.HARE: (Races off. The MENAGERIE is CENTER now, cheering as

TORTOISE slowly comes toward a ribbon held between GOOSE and ANDROCLES. HARE runs back into the scene and heads for the fi nish line but TORTOISE beats him to it. The CROWD goes wild.) No fair!

TORTOISE: It’s okay, Pokey.HARE: I’m not Pokey. I’m the fastest thing alive.WOLF: (Pats her head like a two-year-old.) Yes, you are.AESOP: So the tortoise won.MASTER: Marvelous!AESOP: The end.MASTER: That’s it?AESOP: Yes.MASTER: There must be more.AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) He’s got to be kidding! (To MASTER.) That’s

all I have.MASTER: But what does it mean?AESOP: What do you mean, “What does it mean?”MASTER: What do you mean, “What do I mean, what does it mean?”

It has to mean something.AESOP: I don’t understand.MASTER: (Stands.) I’m sorry, Aesop. I’m very disappointed. (Starts to

leave.)

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AESOP: Wait! You told me to tell you about the voices in my head.MASTER: Yes.AESOP: And I did.MASTER: But it doesn’t mean anything to me. I think you’re being

selfi sh, Aesop. You’re just thinking about yourself and your stories.

AESOP: (To AUDIENCE.) Selfi sh?! (To MASTER.) Isn’t that what you told me to do—tell you about the characters in my head?

MASTER: Aesop, a good man wants to change his world. A great man wants to change the whole world.

AESOP: What does that mean?GOOSE: It’s a moral.MASTER: It means that the stories in your head aren’t any good

unless I can learn from them. What can I learn from the characters in your head?

AESOP: I don’t know.MASTER: Oh, come on. I think you do.GOOSE: Well, I think they’re all about—DAPHINITY: (Holding GOOSE back.) Don’t. He’s got to do this on his

own.AESOP: Well… maybe… um… well, like with Androcles and the lion. I

think that because Androcles was kind, he got kindness back.MASTER: Very good. So maybe I should remember to be kinder to

people.AESOP: Then they may be kinder to you, too.MASTER: I can use that.AESOP: And maybe the wolf story could tell you to be careful of what

things look like.MASTER: He wasn’t really a sheep.WOLF: Told you!AESOP: Things aren’t always what they seem.MASTER: Yes, I should be careful knowing my friends from my

enemies. That’s important to me in real life.AESOP: And if that greedy farmer had just waited a little longer, he

could have had lots of golden eggs.MASTER: Exactly.AESOP: Patience is its own reward.MASTER: Good, Aesop.AESOP: And the grasshopper wouldn’t have died if he just worked a

little bit before he played.

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MASTER: He was rather lazy.AESOP: Put something aside in times of plenty—MASTER: —so I can have it in times of need. You’re doing it, Aesop!AESOP: And if you lie all the time—BOY: It’s not lying. I give the truth perspective.AESOP: —no one will EVER believe you.MASTER: Even when I need them to the most.AESOP: Especially then.MASTER: Then I’m going to be very careful to always tell the truth.

Thank you for that advice.AESOP: And that fox and his grapes—MASTER: The sour ones?AESOP: They weren’t sour. It’s just so easy to hate what you cannot

have.MASTER: Yes, Aesop. I understand now. That’s wonderful. Wonderful!

(Hugs our little hero. The MENAGERIE and DAPHINITY cheer as MOM, DAD and DOCTOR ENTER.)

MOM: This looks like a very good sign!DAD: Does this mean he’s not crazy?DOCTOR: Oh, he’s crazy.MASTER: No. He’s not crazy. (More cheers. More hugs. Celebration.)AESOP: That means I can stay?MASTER: No, Aesop. You cannot stay here. (And the celebration cuts

off like a knife. Gasps of shock. Then silence.)DAPHINITY: Okay, that was totally unexpected.GOOSE: That bites.MOM: What do you mean? A boy needs his parents. A child without

parents grows gills and become a fi sh.DAD: What does that even mean?MOM: I don’t know. I’m nervous.AESOP: Why can’t I stay?MASTER: Because you can’t read or write.AESOP: That’s not my fault.MASTER: No, it’s mine. You need to go someplace to learn.MOM: No.MASTER: The stories in your head can’t just be for you and me,

Aesop. You need to learn to write them down so everyone can hear them. Everyone.

AESOP: But my mom and dad…

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MASTER: …will be going with you. (More shocked gasps.)DOCTOR: But you need them here. They’re your slaves. They run your

house. You treat them nice. You’re a good man.AESOP: (Understanding dawns.) No. He’s a great man. (To AUDIENCE.)

Imagine that! My master solved my problem. All it took was being honest and telling him what was bothering me. There must be a moral in there somewhere.

MASTER: (To AESOP.) Now, let’s talk about schools. (Drapes an arm around AESOP and leads him OFF. MOM, DAD and DOCTOR follow them OFF. LIGHTS COME UP on the platform to reveal ZEUS and HERA.)

HERA: Daphinity, it’s time to come home.DAPHINITY: (To MENAGERIE.) See you guys. (EXITS and the LIGHTS

FADE on the platform.)GOOSE: (To MENAGERIE.) Did you see that? Aesop didn’t try to pretend

he was something he wasn’t. The moral here is, “Just be yourself!” (The MENAGERIE pulls pillows from the wings and goes after GOOSE. It becomes an all-out pillow fi ght. It’s fun, it’s lively. If feathers can fl y like a fuzzy blizzard, that’s even better. MUSIC sneaks up and over us as the MENAGERIE ad-libs and the LIGHTS FADE.)

MENAGERIE: (Ad-libs.) Enough already! Go lay an egg! Save the morals for Aesop! Etc. (BLACKOUT.)

END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESBROUGHT ON:

Scroll, quill (AUNT)Wooden fl ute, sunglasses, beach towel (GRASSHOPPER)Cane, scroll, quill (DOCTOR)Four white ponchos with cotton balls (DAPHINITY)Rose (GOOSE)Fishing pole with grapes dangling from it (FARMER)Ribbon (GOOSE, ANDROCLES)Pillows (MENAGERIE)

COSTUMINGAESOP wears a tattered toga.WOLF wears a white poncho with cotton balls glued to it over his wolf

costume.AUNT wears a toga.GRASSHOPPER wears the robes of a Chinese priest.HERA wears a glittery toga.ZEUS wears a glittering toga, a crown of gold leaves and a snorkel

mask and fl ippers. Later, he has a bandage on his head.FOX, GOOSE, LION and ANDROCLES have white ponchos to appear as

“sheep.”

SOUND EFFECTSStrange, magical music.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGWOLF, TORTOISE, FOX and LION could be played by a male or female actor. HARE is a female.

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by flip kobler and cindy marcus - pioneer drama service · pdf file... lay another golden egg....

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