bullying - part i

Jenny Strom Fall 2012

BULLYING: How It Looks in Elementary School

Jenny Strom, MA, LPC262-241-5955 x264

E-mail: [email protected]


Recognize the signs of bullying and define the behaviors

Understand what cyber-bullying is and it’s different forms so you can protect your children

Help your children prepare for bullying and handle diversity/conflict in and out of school

Learn tools and how to respond to your children in order to unlock their inner goodness

Focus on prevention as opposed to intervention

Goals


We all need to be mindful of our language. A certain level of conflict between kids is

“normal”, typical, and healthy which can help prepare them for life.

However, I want you to leave here with some idea of where to draw the line.

The over use of the term BULLY


Bullying or harassment by use of electronic devices through e-mail, instant messaging, text messages, blogs, twitter and other social media websites such as facebook.

Cyber-bullying


In the U.S., it is now a federal crime to “annoy, abuse, threaten, or harass any person” via the internet or telecommunication system (it’s in your contract!)

Punishable by fine and/or up to two years imprisonment

Cyber-bullying is Against the Law


Flaming: angry, rude statements Harassment: repeatedly sending offensive

messages Outing and Trickery: disseminating

private information or tricking someone into disclosing private information and then sending it to others

Denigration: “Dissing” someone by spreading false rumors or information

by Nancy Willard

Types of Cyber-bullying


Impersonation: pretending to be someone else and posting damaging information

Exclusion: intentionally excluding someone from an online group

Cyber-stalking: creating fear by sending repeated offensive messages

Cyber threats: raises concerns about violence against others

by Nancy Willard

Types of Cyber-bullying Continued


A study of 1500 Internet-using teens over 1/3 of youth reported being victimized

40% of victims were disrespected, 18% were called names over 12% were physically threatened about 5% were scared for their safety

Only 15% of victims told an adult about the incident over 16% of teens admitted to cyber-bullying others And reported it is much easier for them to bully

when not facing the person

Hinduja and Patchin, 2005

Frequency of Cyber-bullying


In personBy phoneTextOnlineSome other

% of youth reporting bullying


20% report they had been victims of bullying

73% stated that they knew the bully, while 26% stated that the offender was a stranger.

10% indicated that another person has taken a picture of them via a cell phone camera and they felt uncomfortable, embarrassed or threatened by this.

13% told a parent, and 12% told a teacher, 39% told a friend, and 27% did not tell anyone

National Children’s Home charity and Tesco Mobile, 2005

Frequency of Cyber-bullying


“virtually” anonymous less energy and courage to express hurtful

comments using a keypad do not have to be larger and stronger than

their victims electronic forums typically lack supervision no individuals to monitor or censor

offensive content in electronic mail, posts or text messages

Comparison to traditional bullying


Kids often know more about computers and cellular phones than their parents, so there is little concern that a probing parent will discover their experience (delete messages, changing passwords, getting ride of websites etc)

The inseparability of a cellular phone from its owner makes that person a perpetual target for victimization (kids can’t get away from this stuff)

May be able to avoid it (change e-mail, have caller id on cell, avoid certain chat rooms or block that person unlike kids on the playground or bus who have little control)

Comparison to Traditional Bullying


1.An imbalance of power (holding a secret against someone/black-male, physical

difference in size, group who follows orders from a bully, attention seeking, does it to be cool, dared to do things, chooses children who are easier targets)

2.Intent to harm(physically or emotionally)

3.Threat of further harm (perpetual, not an isolated incident)

4.Instilling fear or terror

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso

The Four Markers of Bullying


A recent survey of students in grades 6-10 reported that 13% of students bullied others, 11% had been bullied, and 6% reported both being bullied and bullying others.

In 2011 The Journal of the American Medical Association reported 17% of students reported being bullied 2-3 times per month. Taken from 524,054 students grades 3-12. With males and females being almost equal.

More then 160,000 students skip school every day because they are anxious and fearful of being bullied.

Deborah Carpenter: 2009

Frequency of bullying


Verbal-most common form for boys and girls

Relational- most difficult to detect; includes ignoring, excluding, shunning

Physical- most visible and easiest to identify

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso

Types of Bullying


When someone tries to gain control by making others afraid or angry

Characterized by verbal abuse, exclusion from a group, tormenting, and or humiliating someone

Extends to sexually abusive comments, LGBTQ and racially motivated comments, can be pointing out how someone is different or “doesn’t belong”

Emotional Bullying=Verbal + Relational


Most difficult type of bullying to cope with or prove (often kept quite)

Research suggests it takes a tremendous toll on one’s physical and mental health and overall self image and self –esteem

Is a form of social violence

Emotional Bullying


Ignore the bully and walk away - It's definitely not a coward's response — sometimes it can be harder than losing your temper. Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, (it’s attention seeking behavior) and if you walk away or ignore hurtful emails or instant messages, or comments in the hall way you're telling the bully that you just don't care. However, this is for beginning stages, not after a child feels consistently threatened or unsafe.

Walk tall and hold your head high. Using this type of body language sends a message that you're not vulnerable.

Initial Bullying Survival Tips (Your Child’s Tool Kit)


Hold the anger. Who doesn't want to get really upset with a bully? But that's exactly the response he or she is trying to get. Bullies want to know they have control over your emotions.

If you're in a situation where you have to deal with a bully and you can't walk away with poise, use humor — it can throw the bully off guard. Practice this at home through role-play.

Work out your anger or frustration in another healthy way. Examples might be through exercise, sports, hobbies, talking it out with a friend or safe adult, or writing it down (make sure you tear up any letters or notes you write in anger or keep them from friends so that no one can use them against you). Once you put it on the Internet it cannot be taken back!

Bullying Survival Tips


Don't get physical. However you choose to deal with a bully, don't use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing). Not only are you acting on your anger in unhealthy ways, you can never be sure what the bully will do in response. You are more likely to be hurt and get in to trouble if you use violence against a bully. You can stand up for yourself in other ways, such as gaining control of the situation by walking away or by being assertive in your actions.

Practice confidence. Practice ways to respond to the bully verbally or through your behavior with your child. Help them practice feeling good about themselves (even if you have to convince themselves at first). We are what we think! Check in about what they are thinking. List positive qualities and have them come up with positive thoughts to challenge negative thinking.



Don’t allow bullies to take charge of your life. Help your children understand that they can't control other people's actions, but they can stay true to themselves. They can control their response to what is happening. Help them think about ways to feel their best — and strongest — so that other kids may give up the teasing.

Talk about it openly with your children! If they do not feel like opening up to you, make sure they know they have options. They can talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, family friend, older relative, or friend — anyone who can give them the support they need. Talking can be a good outlet for their fears and frustrations that can build when their being bullied which can affect functioning.



Help them define and find their “true” friends. If your child has been bullied with rumors or gossip, all of the above tips (especially ignoring and not reacting) can apply. But take it one step further to help ease feelings of hurt and isolation. Have them identify one or two true friends and confide how the gossip has hurt their feelings. Encourage your child to have those friends come over to the house for play dates. Set the record straight by telling their friends quietly and confidently what's true and not true about the rumors. Hearing their friend say, "I knew that rumor wasn’t true.” Or, “I didn't pay attention to it anyway," can help them realize that most of the time people see gossip for what it is — petty, rude, and immature.



1. The ability to make friends (and keep them)2. To have confidence in his or her abilities 3. The ability to be resilient (adaptive)4. Body language (eye contact, posture, facial

expressions all play a role)5. Voice quality ( tone & pitch, volume, clarity, rate)6. Conversational skills (greetings, introductions,

sustaining conversations)7. Friendship skills (complimenting others, offer to

help, ask to join in, show appreciation, share etc.)

The most essential social skills:


1. Asking for help2. Saying no – setting

boundaries 3. Dealing with conflict vs.

dealing with bullies4. Asking for what you need

Assertiveness Training


Intervene immediately. Thank them for trusting you.Be a good listener.Let them know it’s not their fault.Make sure everyone is safe.Meet any immediate medical or mental health needs.Stay calm. Validate your child’s feelings.Reassure the kids involved, including bystanders.Ask your child what he or she needs to feel safe.Model respectful behavior when you intervene or talk to

the school.Report the bullying to school personnel. (They need to

know the facts otherwise they can’t do anything to help)

If your child comes to you, DO


Don’t ignore it. Don’t think kids can work out bullying without adult help.Don’t immediately try to sort out the facts or rush to solve

the problem for them.Don’t force other kids to say publicly what they saw.Don’t question the children involved in front of other kids.Don’t talk to the kids involved together, only separately.Don’t make the kids involved apologize or patch up relations

on the spot.Don’t talk to the parents of the bullyDon’t accuse the teacher of failing to do her job (even if you

feel like that)Don’t confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone. Get the

school involved first.

If you child comes to you, DON’T


Tattling: If it will only get another child in trouble, don’t tell me.

Telling: If it will get you or another child out of trouble, tell me.

If it is both I need to know… this is a tool to help them discern what to tell, no matter what kind of situation they are facing.

Telling vs. Tattling


Listen & focus on your child. Learn what’s been going on and show you

want to help. (If you are doing this can decide what plan of action is necessary)

If after talk you find out it is bullying assure your son or daughter that bullying is not their fault.

Make sure that he or she knows what the problem behavior is (threatening, excluding, blackmail).

Know that kids who are bullied may struggle with talking about it. It may take multiple conversations.

How to help your kids…


Role-playing and thinking through how the child might react if the bullying occurs again in the future this helps prepare them.

It may help to: Ask your child what can be done to make him or her feel more safe? Or what do they want to have happen?

Remember that changes to routine should be minimized.

How to Help Your Kids…

http://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/what-you-can-do/index.html











Your child, the school or organization and possibly the bully’s parents may all need to get involved in order to obtain valuable input to solve the problem.

Consider referring them to a school counselor, psychologist, or other mental health services. They may feel ashamed to tell you because they are embarrassed.

Give advice about what to do, problem solve and talk through it, don’t tell them out to do.

How to help you kids…

http://store.samhsa.gov/mhlocator




Because it’s not your son or daughter’s fault and they should not be singled out .

If bigger moves are necessary, such as switching classrooms or bus routes, the child who is bullied should not be forced to change but instead the bully.

Develop a game plan with your child and the school first. Maintain open communication between schools, organizati

ons, and parents. Discuss the steps that are taken and the limitations aroun

d what can be done based on policies and laws, schools can’t do it all.

Remember, the law does not allow school personnel to discuss discipline, consequences, or services given to other children.

Be persistent. Bullying may not end overnight. Commit to making it stop and consistently supporting you

r child. If all else fails, the school will likely call the bully’s parents

, which keeps you out of it.

How to help your kids…













http://www2.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html









1. Having a strong sense of self

2. Being a good friend

3. Having at least one friend who is there for you through thick and thin

4. Being able to successfully get into a group

4 Antidotes to Bullying


Never tell the child to ignore the bullying if you have determined it is bullying behavior going on.

Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves to be bullied.

Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid who is bullying.

Fighting back could get your child hurt, suspended, or expelled.

Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents involved until all other options have been exhausted.

It may make matters worse, if it is happening at school, or on the bus, school should be notified first.

School or other officials can act as mediators between parents if that becomes necessary.

Avoid these mistakes:



Books:The Everything Parent’s Guide to Dealing

with Bullies by Deborah CarpenterThe Bully, The Bullied and The Bystander by

Barbara ColorosoSpeak Up and Get Along!: Learn the Mighty

Might, Thought Chop, and More Tools to Make Friends, Stop Teasing, and Feel Good About Yourself by Scott Cooper

The Bully Free Classroom by Allan, L PhD10 Days to a Bully-Proof Child by Sherryll

Kraizer

Resources


Websites:www.stopbullying.gov/http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/self_esteem.htmlwww.healthypeople.govwww.aap.orgwww.samhsa.govwww.safeyouth.orgwww.actagainstviolence.apa.org (teach young children nonviolent problem

solving)

Videos:http://www.stopbullying.gov/videos/2010/09/what-is-bullying.htmlhttp://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/view/main.htmlhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaTOfFUd1qchttp://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/webisodes/yes-thats-bullying.htmlhttp://www.netsmartz.org/resources/reallife.htm

Resources

http://www.stopbullying.gov/

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/self_esteem.html

http://www.aap.org/

http://www.samhsa.gov/

http://www.safeyouth.org/

http://www.actagainstviolence.apa.org/

http://www.stopbullying.gov/videos/2010/09/what-is-bullying.html

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/kidsonline/view/main.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaTOfFUd1qc

http://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/webisodes/yes-thats-bullying.html


North Shore Center, LLC

Jenny Strom, MA, LPCChild, Adolescent & Family Therapist

262-241-5955 x264Website: northshorecenterllc.com

E-mail: [email protected]


Thank you very much for your time & have a peaceful day.

bullying - part i

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