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december 19, 2012 - January 1, 2013 VOL. 5 - ISSue 14

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VOL. 5 - ISSUE 14 dEcEmbEr 19, 2012 - janUary 1, 2013

FOLLOw bLItz wEEkLy On twIttEr and FacEbOOk

SPORTS NEWSOn Deck 3Going For Goal 4Rangers Gift Wrap Prized Veterans 4Heart of Dallas Bowl Preview 5Armed Forces Bowl Preview 5UFC 155 Preview 52012: The Year of the Rookie Quarterback 6Jerry’s World 6Hoop Dreams 7

COvER STORy Life IN the Party 9 A Friggin’ Awesome Year in Sports Photos 10-11

BLITZ ENTERTaINmENTSony Chang 12Hollywood Profile: Roger Edwards 13Surviving the Walk of Shame 13Crave DFW 14The Un-Chick Flick: Django Unchained 15 The REVIEWser: This Is 40 15Piper Gets Picked: It Girl of the Year 16Gearshift 16

BLITZ FuNNySJokes/Horrorscopes/Weird News 17

ThE CLOSERPocketful of Peens 18The Answer Guy 18

PublisherKelly G. Reed

Editor-in-ChiefC. Patterson

Creative Director Michael H. Lee

Photo EditorDarryl Briggs

Cover DesignMichael H. Lee

Staff PhotographersGregg Case, Steven Hendrix,

Rick Leal, Kevin Jacobson, Chuck Majors

Staff WritersGeoff Case, Vivian Fullerlove, David Goodspeed, Ethan Harmon, Keysha Hogan, Frank LaCosta, Mark Miller

Contributing PhotographersDominic Ceraldi, Quoc Cong, Joseph Dowling, Steven Doyle, Kent Gilley, Mike Kolch, Matthew Lynch, Joe Loren-zini, Sandy McAnally, Rick Star, BaseballBacks

Contributing WritersArthur Bellfield, Fil Chapa, Gary Dowell, Steven Doyle, Jason Fleck, Vivian Fullerlove, C.J. Gardner, Andrew J. Hewett, Jan Hubbard, Stephen Kelley, Will Martin, Posie Pockets, Melissa Smith

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As the nation inches closer to leaping over the fiscal cliff, there are a few coaches in the NFL hoping not to get forced to jagged rocks below. I know

that may seem dark, but ‘tis the season for heads to roll. Most of these coaches have enjoyed a decent chance in the NFL, but with only a few short weeks until the end of the regular season, let’s take a look at who may be up for a dishonor-able discharge.

Pat ShurmurSomehow Shurmur has effectively stunted the growth of his young roster on the Browns. His offensive style doesn’t mesh with the talent of both of his 1st round draft picks. His play-calls are routinely late resulting in penalties and fans are irate. He has always demonstrated that he is fighting not to lose, but on his next coaching job he should try fighting to win.

Norv TurnerLosing seven of your last eight games is no way to enter the contract negotiating season. His remarkable work on offensive strategies has definitely set him apart from other coaches, but the team has missed the playoffs two years in a row. His five years in San Diego were solid, but it’s time for him to move on.

Jason GarrettWhat can I say? Here in the DFW we expect to win, and we’ve gone too long without tangible results that justify the name “America’s Team.” Jerry Jones has continued to sing Garrett’s

praises, but take that with a grain of salt. Jones lent his support to Wade Phillips just days before showing him the door.

Ron RiveraThis one is a tough call because Rivera is respected and well-liked throughout the league. The Panthers’ fourth quarter meltdowns have become increasingly painful to watch week after week. The franchise is on the hunt for a new GM, and when he’s hired there is a good chance he will assemble his own coaching staff and put Rivera out to pasture.

Andy ReidReid’s 14 seasons with the Eagles has been filled with many ups and downs. This year there were just too many injuries and coaching changes for him to overcome and the team has the worst record for any team he’s ever coached. It’s a shame that he may be leaving his franchise on this bummer of a season.

Ken WhisenhuntSomewhere, right now Whisenhunt is reminiscing

about his 2008 season when the Cardinals ended their year with a Super Bowl appearance. Not much has happened since then, and team’s offense has been steadily deteriorating since the start of the season.

Romeo CrennelOver in Kansas City they are having a tough time. The team is currently at 2-11, which places them firmly in last place. When he started at head coach this year there was talk of making a run for the AFC West Title, but his record as a coach is at 28-51 and it’s way too late in the season to improve.

At midnight I look forward to my ball dropping. Fell off my walker last year. Don’t ask.

uncle walter

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On DeckcOaches: the black listby keysha hOgan - @TheKeysha

on New Year’s Eve



e send our most sincere congratulations to the Rangers for getting in the spirit of the season. In the last week, they practiced what others might preach when they gave a lot

without receiving much. First, Michael Young was given to the Phillies for two players who will not have anywhere near the impact that Young would have had on the team. The trade did open up playing time for some of the Rangers’ young players and it’s always important to build for the future. But sending Young to Philadelphia was a nice gift for the Phillies. And then the Rangers also gave Josh Hamilton to the division-rival Angels. That terminology

may be disputed by some, but the truth is by not being more aggressive in negotiations with Hamilton, the Rangers in essence pushed him away. If you tell a player you’ll give him three or four years but that if he gets a better offer you’ll match it, you are insulting him. And players who are insulted are likely to respond with an insult of their own, and as the Rangers learned, Josh had the last word. By not being more aggressive, and by not learning from the Angels’ recent history of spending, the Rangers gave the Angels an opening to get Hamilton and got nothing in return. Rangers fans, however, have reason to be optimistic. Seriously. I’ll give you four words: The St. Louis Cardinals. Two years ago, the Cardinals won 90 games and the World Series. The same Angels then made a huge offer to Albert Pujols, who left St. Louis after 11 years. The result? The Angels improved three games but finished only third in the AL West. The Cardinals, meanwhile, won 88 games and again made the playoffs. They went on to beat Washington in the first round of the playoffs,

only to lose to eventual World Series winner San Francisco in the NL Championship Series. That story should be encouraging to Rangers fans. It means little on a practical basis, of course. What the Cardinals accomplished last year will not replace what Hamilton did for the Rangers. But they will find out if their organization is as good as the Cardinals’. Because St. Louis did not miss a beat. In the Rangers case, the departures of Young and Hamilton will force them to find out about young players with star potential – Mike Olt, Jurickson Profar and Martin Perez for starters. There has been discussion of Ian Kinsler moving to first base and that would open up a spot at second for Profar. One of the most compelling stories in the Major League last season involved the play of two young players – Mike Trout and Bryce Harper. Could Profar and Olt follow that act with one of their own? Rangers manager Ron Washington is old school and given a choice between a steady veteran and developing a future star, he’ll take the vet because that’s a far more sound way of winning. But now, he’ll have no choice. As Rangers management gift wraps players for other teams, Washington is left with talent that might be inconsistent, but talent that can also develop. And if those young players follow the path of Harper and Trout, then the Rangers could follow the path of the Cardinals. Perhaps the Oakland A’s are even a better example of the possibilities. Last season, the A’s had the second lowest payroll in the league at $55 million – which is only $5 million more than the combined average salary for Pujols and Hamilton. Yet they won the AL West title. Even though they lost in the ALDS, it was an entertaining, successful year for the A’s. The Rangers had big losses last week, but they also have role models in the Cards and A’s. This year, we’re going to see exactly how good the Rangers’ organization is.

The Dallas Sidekicks made franchise history the night of December 15, scoring an all-time high 21 goals when

they defeated the Texas Strikers 21-1. The undefeated Sidekicks broke a myriad of additional team records, including four separate hat tricks and the team’s fastest powerplay goal, scored just one second in. Jamie Lovegrove kicked off scoring in the first quarter, putting Renato Pereira’s rebound past Texas goaltender Cory Speed at 2:21. Shaun David struck next at 12:24 assisted by Ricardinho. Robert Luevano put the Sidekicks up 3-0 at the end of the period, taking a shot off of Speed and putting it into an empty net at 13:39. Scoring was rampant in the second quarter, Luevano scoring his second of the game assisted by Renato at 1:26. Just moments later, Chad Deering used the wall to create his own rebound and put it in at 2:11. A succession of goals scored by David, Cody Ellis and Renato put the Sidekicks up 8-0. Sean Bellomy struck next at 12:31, followed by an unassisted goal from Michael Uremovich at 14:07. Uremovich was the first to strike in the third quarter at 2:31, assisted by Ricardinho. Shortly after, Franck Mbemba scored his first of the night at 3:09, followed closely by an unassisted goal from Deering at 4:10. Texas’ Jose Olabarrieta denied the Sidekicks a shutout at 14:12, but less than a minute later Ricardinho put the Sidekicks up 14-0, breaking the team record for most goals scored through three quarters. The Sidekicks scored seven goals during the fourth quarter, tying the franchise record. Mbemba put the team up 15-1 at 1:47. Pereira got his second of the night at 2:30, and soon after Mbemba completed his second hat trick in two games. The next goal came on a powerplay at 5:24, Uremovich also securing a hat trick. Uremovich found himself celebrating once more just a few minutes later, scoring another powerplay goal at 8:30. The third and fourth hat tricks of the night were completed in the last

few minutes of the game by David and Luevano, putting the Sidekicks up 21-1 and beating the team’s all-time scoring record by three goals. During halftime the Sidekicks honored one of their own, retiring the number 11 jersey of former player David Doyle. Doyle is the second leading Sidekicks point scorer (665) behind Head Coach Tatu. A five-time All-Star, Doyle logged 383 goals and scored 35 hat tricks in his 12 seasons with the Sidekicks. Doyle was born in Dublin, Ireland. The forward began his indoor career with the Kansas City Comets, where he won 1987-88 MISL Rookie of the Year. He came to the Sidekicks in 1991 and went on to be a five-time All-Star. On August 7, 1993 he scored six goals in a match versus Monterrey, a total equaled only by

Tatu. He assisted on 282 Sidekicks goals, and also scored 42 game winning goals in his time with the team. His number will hang from the rafters of the Allen Event Center along with other Sidekicks legends Mike Powers, Wes McLeod, Kevin Smith, Doc Lawson and Krys Sobieski. The Sidekicks will head back to Beaumont to face the Strikers again at Ford Arena on December 29 at 7:05 p.m. The team’s next home game is January 3 at the Allen Event Center, where they will be taking on the Rio Grande Valley Flash.

Individual and season tickets are on sale now through Ticketmaster or the team website. For more information, visit www.dallassidekicks.net or call 214-550-6130. Follow the team on Twitter @GoSidekicks or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/GoSidekicks.

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rangers gift wrap prizeD veteransyOuth mOvement in placeby jan hubbarD - [email protected]

Darryl Briggs

So long kemosabe

BaseballBacks

by melissa smith - @bliTzweeKly

Dallas Sidekicks

Undefeated and all smiles

recOrDs fall as siDekicks scOre 21-1 victOry



5

jan. 1 - 11:00am / espnu

cOttOn bOwl The shrewd marketing team for the UFC has decided that it would save its best for last in terms of pay-per-views for this event. Junior Dos Santos and Cain Velasquez

in a rematch for the heavyweight title is a great headline. There are also some interesting fights on this card which make it worth watching.

Junior “Cigano” Dos Santos (15-1-0) vs Cain Velasquez (10-1-0)Their previous fight on FOX sent shock waves throughout the MMA world when Dos Santos pulled off the surprise win and took home the belt. Since then Velasquez has been focused on regaining the title with vengeance on his mind. Dos Santos wants to put away Velasquez, move on and continue his reign in the division. The fight will go longer this time but the result will be the same. Dos Santos is a devastating brawler with a powerful punch. He’s hard to take down. Velasquez is no slouch with his own arsenal but if he’s going to try to stand and bang with Dos Santos he’ll end up unconscious quickly. My prediction: Cigano wins in the second round with a knockout.

Jim Miller (21-4-0) vs Joe “J-Lau” Lauzon (22-7-0)J-Lau’s first round performances are some of the best in the UFC and he’s an exciting fighter to watch. His mind set is to come out like the fight is only scheduled to be five minutes long and will give it everything he’s got. Miller on the other hand is the more methodical fighter. He’s solid on his feet and on the ground. He’ll utilize his BJJ, striking and wrestling skills for a more complete fight. Their both well rounded 155ers but in the end this is what happens: First round goes to Lauzon, but in the second and third rounds when the action slows down, Miller takes it to the ground and begins his assault. My prediction: Miller wins via decision after the third.

Tim “The Barbarian” Boetsch (16-4-0) vs Costa Philippou (11-2-0, 1NC)Philippou is coming in as a last second replacement for Chris Weidman. The Barbarian has lots of heart, a strong chin and big punching power coupled with some very creative uppercuts. He’s won four in a row since losing to Phil Davis by submission. Philippou is

in a similar boat in terms of wins. Expect a fairly evenly matched bout. Boetsch will try to take this one to the mat where he can use his superior wrestling skills. My prediction: Boetsch via submission in the third round.

Yushin “Thunder” Okami (28-7-0) vs Alan “The Talent” Belcher (17-5-0)This might have “fight of the night” honors if it goes the distance. Okami has rumbled with several great fighters in the game. He won’t be intimidated by anything that Belcher brings. Belcher as his nickname indicates is a talented fighter who will rely on striking and BJJ. If they stand and exchange blows Belcher has a shot. Once it goes to the floor Okami will take over and it’ll be a wrap. Belcher takes the first round and Okami the other two. My prediction: Okami via decision.

The Gym 921 West mayfield RoadArlington, TX 76015 (817) 652-1555PRESENTED By

by frank lacOsta – [email protected] santOs vs. velasquez iiufc 155 preview

Historically bowl games played on the 1st of the year or later are assigned to the teams with highly successful seasons to show for it. That certainly is

not the case for this year’s Heart of Dallas Bowl, which will be played right here in Dallas at the Old Cotton Bowl Stadium. This is one of the most surprising choices of New Year’s Day bowl games as it will feature two teams with medio-cre seasons, the Big Ten’s Purdue Boilermakers against the Big 12’s Oklahoma State Cowboys. The only previous meeting between these two teams came in the 1997 Alamo Bowl, when the Boilermakers beat the Cowboys 33-20. That season was a completely different story when both teams were ranked in the Top 25, this year Purdue holds a 6-6 record while Oklahoma State is 7-5. Talk about a tale of two seasons, most only hope this year’s meeting turns out anywhere near as competitive as the previous meeting. Oklahoma State comes in as a Top-5 scoring team, scoring over 44 points a game and have been held under 30 points just once all year,

that came on a rainy day in Kansas against the Jayhawks. They will feature a high-powered offense with three quarterbacks who have all passed for over 1,000 yards and also a 1,300 yard rusher in Joseph Randle. With a less than average defense they will look for their offense to do what they have all season, score and score often. If that is the case they could run away with this one easily. Purdue played themselves into this game by ending the season on a three game winning streak. The Boilermakers definitely shouldn’t be taken lightly as they played both an undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes team and a Notre Dame team, competing in the BCS Title game extremely tough; though they ended up losing both of those games. They need to force turnovers and find a way to put up a bunch of points against the Cowboys weak pass defense to pull this one out. A win could absolutely propel them and their new coach into the 2013 season with an unlikely four-game win streak, talk about momentum.

by c.j. garDner - [email protected]

by jasOn fleck - [email protected]

The Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl will be a match up between two 6-6 teams. The Rice Owls will take on the Air Force Falcons at Amon G. Carter Stadium in

Fort Worth on December 29. Air Force will be looking to even their record in the Armed Forces Bowl, as they played in this bowl game three straight years from 2007-2009 going 1-2. This will be the Falcons sixth-straight bowl berth. Senior quarterback Connor Dietz will orchestrate Air Force’s triple option attack. Air Force has the second ranked rush offense in the NCAA and Cody Getz has a lot to do with that. The senior rusher ran for over 1200 yards even though he missed two games. The defensive side of the ball is not a strong suit for the Falcons as they have only given up less than twenty-eight points once this season. The main emphasis for Air Force will be to get some stops and allow their offense to do their thing. The Rice Owls finished the regular season on a four game win streak to become bowl eligible

for the first time since 2008. Rice will head in to the Armed Forces Bowl looking to continue their hot streak. Taylor McHargue leads the Rice offense as he has a combined 22 touchdowns. The junior play caller threw for over 2000 yards. This Owl team is very streaky as they have both a winning streak and losing streak of four games. So the question is which Rice team will show up for the bowl game, the early season inconsistent Rice team or the Rice team that won four straight to finish their regular season. This game should be a high scoring affair with both teams scoring over 28 points a game as well as giving up over 28 points a game. Rice will have to take the time before the contest to game plan against the triple option attack of the Falcons. This game might come down to which team has the ball last as both teams will rely on their running game to put up big points.

heart Of Dallas bOwl

armeD fOrces bOwlDec. 29 - 10:45am

/ espn amOn carter staDium



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The Dallas Cowboys prized free agent cor-nerback Brandon Carr practically earned his $50 million contract when he intercept-ed a Ben Roethlisberger pass and returned

it 36 yards to within inches of a touchdown. When Dan Bailey kicked a 21-yard field goal for a 27-24 win over the Steelers, it put Dallas (8-6) into a three-way tie with the Washington Redskins and New York Giants atop the NFC East. “Those are the plays you dream about in the backyard, making the game-winning interception or touchdown,” Carr said. For the second consecutive week since Cowboys practice squad linebacker Jerry Brown was killed in a one-car accident that led to intoxication manslaughter charges against nose tackle Josh Brent, Bailey lifted Dallas to victory. Bailey beat Cincinnati 20-19 last week with a 40-yard field goal as time expired in regulation, the day after the accident that killed Brown. Tony Romo, who crossed the 25,000-yard passing milestone earlier in the game, threw for 341 yards and two touchdowns and finished with a passer rating of 111.3. Romo was the first quarterback to throw for 300 yards against the Steelers defense in 36 games. Dez Bryant extended his touchdown streak to six games while playing with a broken left index finger, Miles Austin caught seven passes for 79 yards and Jason Witten had five receptions including one for a touchdown. Running back DeMarco Murray added 81 yards on 14 carries. “It’s been a very interesting season,” Romo said. “Our football team has developed a mental toughness. We know if we can get to the fourth quarter, we have a shot at winning the game.” In addition to Carr’s interception, the Cowboys depleted defensive unit -- playing without six

injured starters -- stepped up all day to make plays against the Steelers offense. Roethlisberger was sacked four times, including on consecutive plays by Sean Lissemore and Anthony Spencer late in the fourth quarter to give the Cowboys offense one last chance to take the lead in regulation. The attendance was 95,595, a season high at Cowboys Stadium, with many Steelers fans on hand waving their “Terrible Towels.” At the end of the day, Pittsburgh remained winless at Jerry Jones’ football palace in Arlington. Dallas will finish off its home portion of the regular season when the Cowboys host Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints (6-8) Sunday at Noon. Brees comes to town fresh off a 307 yards and four touchdowns performance in the Saints 41-0 demolition of Tampa Bay. The loss was the Bucs fourth straight and also eliminated them from playoff contention. The victory was also New Orleans first shutout in 17 years. Brees finished with more than 300 yards passing and four TDs for the 17th time in his career, more than any quarterback in NFL history. Miami Dolphins legend Dan Marino had accomplished the feat on 16 occasions. “Even though that Super Bowl trophy can’t be ours this year, we still have a lot to play for,” Brees said. “We have a very prideful group of guys, but also we have a group of guys that understand the big picture, and that is that we’re going to be together for a long time and we can start building the foundation of something now that will carry over for years to come.” The Saints can still spoil the playoff aspirations of the Cowboys, who after beating the Steelers are in control of their own destiny after winning five of their last six games.

As a younger man there are many who recall the Draft of 1983 where there were five players in the quarterback position who were drafted amidst a lot

of fanfare. Names like John Elway, Todd Black-ledge, Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, Tony Eason, and Ken O’Brien. Collectively they possess eight Super Bowl appearances and two Lombardi’s amongst that sextet of draft picks. Back the quar-terback had to carry the notepad and headset and study the games and game film before he went in. A lot has changed in almost 30 years. Today a quarterback is drafted for big money and is expected to earn your keep immediately. In 2011 new faces like Andy Dalton, Tim Tebow, Blaine Gabbert, and Cam Newton took to their new environments.

2012 unleashed another barrage of rookie quarterbacks. Everyone knows about Robert Griffin III, Andrew Luck, Russell Wilson, Ryan Tannehill, and Brandon Weeden. In 2012 the aforementioned would start the season under center. A record which shattered the previous record of three rookies to start since 1960. In terms of comparison pricing as to which of these five quarterbacks rank the best based on stats and expectations my list reads as follows:

1. Robert Griffith III - The ability to run and throw, anticipate the read, and to fake a defense to sleep with the look of a run only to go deep.

2. Andrew Luck - Son of another Pro QB over 30 years ago with poise, intellect, and the makeup to be great.

3. Ryan Tannehill - Aggie stalwart joined a program with an offensive scheme similar to what A&M did.

4. Russell Wilson - Tough, gritty, grinder, and a gamer who controls the huddle.

5. Brandon Weeden - Had the distinction of defeating some high profile QBs in college despite his age.

You can add names like Kirk Cousins, Brock Osweiler, even Nick Foles for rookie QBs who have started and won in 2012. Hard to believe that Russell Wilson has already defeated a Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, and the Chicago Bears on the road. RG3 started strong and right when Mike Shanahan lulled the rest of the NFL into a pseudo-stupor by ‘playing for next year’ the tandem of RG3 by air and by ground (with Alfred Morris getting the carries) the offense began to flourish. Only four interceptions for RG3 while tossing 18 TD passes. Andrew Luck has 18 TD tosses and 18 picks. In some instances his best defense was to just throw

the ball away. Brandon Weeden had a three game winning streak despite only 13 TD’s and 15 interceptions earlier this season. Weeden’s QB rating was a measly 72.8. Russell Wilson had 20 scores against nine interceptions and a passer rating that was the highest ever for four straight weeks (127.3, 131.0, 125.9, and 134.9). Many

Seahawk fans are clamoring for a Super Bowl revisit. Ryan Tannehill does not have much to work with on a team in rebuild mode offensively. A 72.9 passer rating for the season along with eight touchdowns and 12 picks. Many foresee better days ahead for the Aggie. Look for more playing time for Nick Foles as he is clearly the future for the Philadelphia Eagles. Amazing to see how well the NFL QBs are shaping up. Equally amazing are the number of starting quarterbacks who played their high school football in the state of Texas. Now you have a double digit number. Based on numbers, performance, ability, and marketability my Top 5 for Rookie QBs in the NFL are 1. RG3 2. Russell Wilson 3. Andrew Luck 4. Brandon Weeden and 5. Ryan Tannehill. If you include the rookies from 2011 over 30 percent of the quarterbacks are newbies who are giving the position of quarterback a new look and direction based on abilities, and talents, and a level of confidence and expectation normally reserved for the veteran play-caller. May the windfall of talent continue to flourish.

Erik Daniel Drost

by jay betsill – @Thefamousjay

cOwbOys in first place tie

Darryl BriggsOkay we like him again…for now

2012: the year Of the rOOkie quarterbackby will martin - [email protected]

Darryl Briggs



The Mavericks still haven’t seen what this team would look like with their centerpiece Dirk Nowitzki in the mix but they can’t be satisfied with what they’ve got. The loss of Jason Kidd has set this franchise back in terms of having someone that can guide the team during crunch time and the Mavs are 0-6 in overtime games since his departure. Darren Collison has not proven that he can be a starting point guard for this team and Derek Fisher can’t offer much at this point in his career. While the return of Dirk Nowitzki will help in the scoring department, the Mavericks sorely need interior defense, rebounding and consistent point guard play. They routinely get outrebounded and let dribble penetration break down their defense. The Mavericks can begin exploring options to trade the multiple players they acquired in the offseason. There will be some players on the market that the Mavs should be interested in so the rumors will begin heating up.

Mavericks huge slump

The Mavericks ended their three game road trip winless and reeling from a blowout loss in Toronto, and two overtime losses against the Celtics and Timberwolves. The Mavericks are struggling on the defensive end and without Nowitzki those stops are even more critical

to fueling their offense. “ Our struggles were related to our defense and what was not happening there much more than our offense,” Carlisle said. “When we get stops, we score. That’s been proven, that’s our identity, and it has to start on the defensive end.” The Mavericks have youth and speed in their backcourt willing to run and get easy buckets if the Mavericks can generate turnovers, however they have been failing to accomplish that. That was a key reason they were able to get out to such a hot start to the season. Lately, they have been failing to keep that part of their identity. They make lazy inbound passes and turn the ball over frequently in crunch time, these are not good signs for a team without their best player. The Mavericks need to do some soul searching to get some of that identity back otherwise the front office will acquire players who can. Expect the Mavericks to hold off on evaluations until they see their vision pan out with this roster.

UPCOMING SCHEDULE:

12/20 – Miami HeatThe big bad Heat’s defense has taken a hit this season but they still are the favorites to repeat for the title. The Mavericks tendency to turn the ball over should give Miami an easy win. However, seeing LeBron James always makes opposing players bring their A-game to the arena.

12/21 – @Memphis GrizzlesThe Grizzles are simply a bad match-up for the Mavericks because of their poor rebounding. Marc Gasol and Zac Randolph are two tough, beefy big men that live and die by crashing the boards. If the Mavericks don’t bring energy in terms of rebounding this will be a tough win to get on the road. Shawn Marion will need to play lights out defense on Rudy Gay.

12/23 - @San Antonio SpursThe Mavs’ old rivals still have the big three of Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobli and Tony Parker and they still are pumping out the wins. Bad teams simply don’t win in San Antonio and the Mavericks are far from good right now. The

addition of Dirk Nowitzki on the horizon might be a boost to the team but this team simply has too many holes.

7

by geOff case - [email protected]

mavs await Dirk but shOulD explOre OptiOns

Darryl Briggs



8



99

DFW Soiree Countdown 2013Venue: Omni Downtown Dallas - 555 S. Lamar StreetCost: VIP Preferred Table $3,000Exclusivity: XXXX

Fashionably Uncorked NYE 2013 Venue: Fashion Industry Gallery - 1807 Ross AveCost: VIP Table $150Exclusivity: X

Granada Theater New Years w/ Jonathan Tyler & the Northern LightsVenue: The Granada - 3524 Greenville Avenue Cost: VIP $70Exclusivity: X

Glass Lounge NYE 2013Venue: Glass - 1899 McKinney Avenue Cost: VIP $60Exclusivity: X

A New Year in Paris Venue: Avenu Lounge - 2912 McKinney Avenue Cost: VIP $75Exclusivity: X

Toast 2013 at Brownstone Venue: Brownstone - 840 Currie Street Cost: Celebrity VIP Package $1,900Exclusivity: XXX

5th Annual NYE Casino on the Mandalay Venue: Dallas Marriot at Las Colinas 223 West Las Colinas BoulevardCost: $65Exclusivity: X

NYE with Sarah Jaffe Venue: The Kessler Theater - 1230 West Davis StreetCost: VIP $37.50Exclusivity: X

NYE at Zouk Venue: Zouk 703 McKinney StreetCost: Gold Package $750Exclusivity: XX

Dallas Market Center NYE 2013 Venue: Dallas Market Center - 2200 N. Stemmons FwyCost: General Admission $90Exclusivity: XXX

Old Red Courthouse NYEVenue: The Old Red Courthouse - 100 South Houston StreetCost: Moet Room VIP $3,099.99Exclusivity: XXXX

yOur guiDe tO the Drunken Debauchery Of December 31st

life IN the party



1010

Leap of faith (Baylor vs. Texas Tech)

Our photographers work all year long, week in and week out to bring you some unforgettable moments in sports. This year they captured images in time that say more than words ever could. They saw the good, the bad, and the hilarious. 2012 brought us flashes of brilliance and the freeze-framed moments of utter defeat. We saw it all, but thanks to the skillful hands and incredible lenses of Joe Lorenzini, Dominic Ceraldi, Rick Star, Mike Kolch, Matthew Lynch, Kent Gilley, Sandy McAnally, Joseph Dowling, Gregg Case, and their fearless leader Darryl Briggs you saw it all in HD.

Our Friggin’ AwesOme Year in sports Photos

He’ll never wash that hand again (OU vs. TCU)

Down but not out (Browns vs. Cowboys)

Moment of truth (Texans vs. Jaguars)

Rise of the Wildcats (Kansas State vs. TCU)

High hopes (Raptors vs. Mavericks)

Yet another reason to be a Texans Fan (Ravens vs. Texans)

Suspension of reality (Virginia vs. TCU)

Goodbye Mr. Young (Giants vs. Rangers)

Prelude to a game (Dolphins vs. Cowboys)

Farewell Hambone (Blue Jays vs. Rangers)

Still worth cheering for (Eagles vs. Cowboys)

Mavs get their groove back(Warriors vs. Mavericks)



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A head of the pack (Salt Lake vs. FC Dallas)

Farewell Hambone (Blue Jays vs. Rangers)

Just Yu and me (Angels vs. Rangers)

The year the ice melted (NHL Lockout)

Chain of events (Texas Tech vs. TCU)



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Model: Sony Chang Courtesy: Quoc Cong / www.xophotography.com SonySee More of Sony and otherS at Blitzweekly.CoM

Look, we got a QR-Code!



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T ake note folks, if you haven’t heard of Roger Edwards, it won’t be long before you do! The co-star of Bad Kids Go to Hell, which opened last week

and is still showing in 50 markets around the coun-try, can also be seen in Freelancers with Robert DiNero and 50 Cent available now at Red Box, and in 2013’s Captain Phillips starring Tom Hanks and Exists by Blair Witch Proj-ect director Eduardo Sanchez. Roger’s star is without a doubt on the rise. I sat down with the stunning California na-tive who now calls Killeen, Texas home to talk about all of his exciting movie projects and how stay-ing OTG (on the grind) is finally paying off in a big way!

When did the acting bug hit you?I’ve been interested in acting since high school. It was the only subject I liked. Nothing else really appealed to me. I’ve always been an artist. When I was young I used to sing really well - like opera type of stuff. I could always draw, still to this day, I can draw anything. But I was 200 lbs. by my sophomore year in high school; so, everyone always considered me an athlete, which I am physically capable, but I’ve always been this undercover artist. When I was in high school, I used to watch Bad Boys everyday. I probably watched it a hundred times. My brother and I used to rent these random independent movies and watch them and some of them would be really great and some of them would suck, and we would criticize them. I watched Dusk Til Dawn five times in one night. How did it feel playing in your first big role?So, I was a lot younger and cocky. I got this role, it’s only four lines, but I got this. You know how it is. But when I sat down, you would have thought I didn’t know how to talk. I swear, I was like uh, yeah, uh, what’s that line again? I was getting hot, and was like “can somebody...I know it’s only four lines, but if y’all could just make sure I know…” The only thing that really got me to deliver my lines was when Kimberly [Pierce] was talking to her assistant, and I heard her say, “I really want to make sure this scene gets in the trailer.” As soon as she said that, it just clicked for me, and I was like look man, you got to get it together. I said my lines and got them out good; so, that was my big break.

And now you’re working all the time. Now, my confidence has gotten built up, and I’m going to the right auditions and getting bigger roles. I just did Bad Kids Go to Hell. This is a totally different character than what I would usually play, and I’m in there in the whole

movie, and that’s great. I just did Exists with the director of the Blair Witch movie. It’s the same genre, and it’s still file footage, but

has more of a movie storyline. There are these two brothers, the older outcast loser brother, and the younger brother, his girlfriend and me and my girlfriend. And it’s a crazy story. My character’s a cool kinda guy that thinks he’s all this,

and he has jokes and suddenly, they encounter a Bigfoot in the woods and they get attacked by it. We end up being

stalked by it, and the younger brother gets kidnapped; so, my character has to

step up to the plate because it’s just me and the two girls and the older messed up brother. It’s a fun story, and I think the older crowd is going to relate to it because it has that Boggy Creek element to it. I think the Bigfoot fanatics are going to enjoy it because of the authenticity of it, and then you’ve got the crowd that just wants to see a young fun movie that’s scary; so, it’s going to

hit a lot of targets.

Any other projects we should look out for?

I have a movie with Tom Hanks coming out next year called Captain

Phillips. It’s the true story of Captain Richard Phillips and what he went through when

he was taken captive by Somali pirates. I play a soldier in the film,

who is also a cameraman. It’s my job to go out with the team of soldiers responsible

for assessing the situation while also trying to get as much intel as possible on camera. And

people can rent my last movie Freelancers now at Red Box. That one stars Robert DiNero and 50 Cent.

And I understand you have a motto you live by.Okay, my little tagline is...on the grind. You always have to be on the grind. Denzel Washington said in any profession it gets to be a grind, but you always have to stay on that grind. I’m always looking for auditions, opportunities, I’m always out there. I’ll do what I got to do to make this career work. When I first started acting, nobody was on the grind, now that I’ve had a couple of movies drop, everybody’s on the grind. It’s just funny how people’s tunes change as you get a little bit of success.

At this rate, I’m sure he will. So, in a year or two when you see Roger’s face on billboards everywhere, just remember, you read it here first!

Definition: the course walked home past strangers or peers alone after a night of boozing resulting in a one-night stand. The “walker” is often identified by their bedraggled appearance. This is a public service announcement to all of the soon to be disheveled masses stumbling out of unfamiliar beds clothed in nothing but last night’s outfit and the unforgettable scent of shame. Fear not, BW is here to get you through the dreadfully long walk to safety with instructions for the perfect kit to catapult you into Walk of Shame fame.

hOllywOOD prOfile - rOger eDwarDs

surviving the walk Of shame

by vivian fullerlOve - [email protected]

Our image of Easter will never be the same

Pen & Pad (to leave a Call or Don’t Call Me Note)

GuysJust a smile because either way you scored

Ladies

Larger purse

Travel Pack of Huggies Baby Wipes

Sunglasses

Leggings

Workout T-Shirt

Flip Flops

Wisp Toothbrush

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Beef is what’s for dinner at many restaurants around Dallas-Fort Worth. With healthier diets many are avoiding red meat, but for some reason area steakhouses are doing bumper business. Visitors to our city insist on giant slabs of beef and budget accordingly. The trend in 2012 was to retro-fit restaurants into steakhouses. This is why we lost Nana Grill atop the Hilton Anatole, which is now the very amiable and beautiful SER Steak + Sprits (pronounced ‘sear’) and soon this treatment will be performed on another Dallas classic, Charlie Palmer’s which is located at the Joule Hotel downtown Dallas.

It makes perfect sense when you operate a hotel and send dozens of cabs to steakhouses where those bodies once sat perched happily in giant hordes in the hotel restaurant. The steakhouses are getting thousands of covers each night as opposed to the hotels that were getting dozens. This is big business, and life or death for the hotel restaurant. In the case of Nana – death. With that said, we list our very favorite places to dine on cow in our 2012 edition of the Dallas Steakhouse Round Up.

SER Steak + Spirits: The restaurant is managed by the Nana staff and has undergone a multi-million dollar transition. Still with the most amazing view of the Dallas skyline, SER offers guests prime Wagyu beef aged in house. Cheffed by the youthful Anthony Van Camp. Still boasting an amazing wine list, which is essential at a steakhouse, SER is flanked by a beautiful open bar. Here a lone traveler might enjoy a simple plate and sip a few martinis after a long week of meetings, but the restaurant itself comes alive and now enjoys great crowds after that transition

which was completed at the end of summer 2012. The cuts of beef are perfectly grilled, using a whole cow. Extra bits of the beast are broken down for ground beef used elsewhere in the hotel. Top service, imaginative sides and a damned good steak gives this house our top nod.

Nick and Sam’s Steak House: Always a perfect evening with insane, doting service, Nick and Sam’s menu goes far beyond the normal realm of beef. There are plenty of seafood items listed on this menu and also offers the charmed

deviled egg. Particularly wonderful is the caviar service. Business guests are given preferential treatment. Close that big deal at Nick and Sam’s and you are offered free champagne that is wheeled out in a specially made cart. Beef is king at Nicks, and so are you.

Pappas Brothers Steak House: Pappas serves a really good steak, which is important if that is what you are selling, but the house also boasts one of the best wine lists in the state along with numerous sommeliers, including two master wine stewards. The restaurant has an older, clubby feel that can often be cramped, but still a really fine steak.

Chamberlain’s Steak and Chop House: Located outside the Dallas loop in Addison, Texas, Chamberlain performs up to high standards in beef. Using USDA Prime and Waygu beef, Chamberlain himself is an accomplished taskmaster in meat. A steakhouse favorite is the creamed corn, and Chamberlain brought this tradition now served at every steakhouse in the country. Particularly fantastic is Chamberlain’s cigar room where you step back in time and enjoy a piano man and smoke amongst captains of industry.

Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steakhouse: Del’s is a chain, but operates out of Dallas. Here corporate chef David Holben is housed in a traditional and very busy steakhouse environment. Holben is award winning and creates a beefy atmosphere that throws down a great steak and sturdy sides. In Dallas we adore Jennifer Jaco, the sommelier, who herself has garnered plenty of accolades. This is where deals are brokered up north, and regulars patiently wait for their favorite tables.

by steven DOyle - www.cravedfw.com

Oh, here’s the beef Steven Doyle

Steven Doyle

crave dfw

CRAVEdfw



When a film dealing with the hot button issue of illegal im-migration first opened in the early 1980s, critics widely

condemned Oliver Stones’ stereotypical depic-tion of immigrants and overuse of the F-word. Scarface, still managed to somehow connect with audiences and went on to garner world-wide success. Stone had officially established himself as a power player in the movie-making industry. Fast forward, thirty years to Hollywood bad boy Quentin Tarantinos’ latest effort, Django Unchained. Tarantino tells the story of a former slave turned antihero. A spinoff of the old Django westerns dating back to the 1960s, Tarantino adds his own brand of Italian seasonings, complete with groovy musical montages, plenty of surprise cameos and good old-fashioned southern charm. By southern charm I mean gratuitous violence and a ridiculous overuse of the N-word. There is a fine line between honestly addressing the delicate issue of slavery and exploiting it for commercial purposes. Tarantino not only crosses this line, he destroys it. Mel Brooks’ achieved a similar feat with

Blazing Saddles, also criticized for its’ use of racial stereotyping. There were several moments when I found myself actually tensing up during violent scenes involving whipping of slaves. I was exhausted when I left the theatre. Although it was an interesting adventure, only those slightly twisted movie goers who enjoyed Resevoir Dogs will enjoy Django. Still, Tarantino is a master storyteller, a rare commodity among modern film makers, who tend to lean heavily on special effects rather than natural dialogue and organic plot twists. Jamie Foxx plays Django, a slave with insider information that keeps him alive and eventually pairs him with a German bounty hunter. Foxx’s cool demeanor and steely-eyed gaze serve him well on his quest to find his beloved wife. Unfortunately, throughout the first half of the film his character was somewhat muted.

Probably necessary in order to slither his way through slave happy southern towns. Christoph Waltz is a successful bounty hunter/dentist. Although he is a skilled assassin, his warm smile and quirkiness make him impossible not to like. Leonardo DiCaprio is the demented plantation owner, Calvin Candie. He oozes hate from every pore in his

body. His Mississippi twang and incredible passion was off the proverbial chain. He was so amped up he must have had a few Red Bulls before a few of the more intense scenes. Candies wicked sidekick Samuel L. Jackson adds just the right amount of sadistic humor.

With 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up, writer-director Judd Apatow gave a white bread Middle America a voice with

which to shout its meager frustrations while simultaneously deflating them. Unfortunately This is 40, his paean to the onset of middle age, lacks the wit, energy, and goofball insight to do more than whimper. Touted as a sequel to Knocked Up, it is more of a spin-off (not that it really matters in the long run). Paul Rudd and Apatow’s real-life wife Leslie Mann reprise their supporting roles as the movie’s requisite stable couple Pete and Debbie. They’re less stable this time around, however; Pete’s start-up record company is tanking, and one of the employees (Megan Fox and Charlyne Yi) at Debbie’s clothing store is

skimming from the till.On the home front, their kids Sadie and Charlotte (Apatow and Mann’s daughters Maude and Iris) are growing increasingly rebellious, Pete’s father Larry (Albert Brooks) increasingly mooches, and Debbie’s attempt to reconnect with her absentee father Oliver (John Lithgow) go nowhere. Pete and Debbie’s birthdays are coming up, and they are both turning 40, though she insists on maintaining that she is only 38. Throw in a waning sex life and you have, well, pretty much every middle-aged married couple on the planet.Sure, it’s material we can relate to, but it isn’t inherently funny, and Apatow seems to struggle desperately to make it so with limited results. We learn little about his characters because they know nothing about themselves or each

other, making it difficult to give a damn one way or another. The supporting cast -- which includes Jason Segel, Chris O’Dowd, Mary McCarthy, and Lena Dunham -- fares better in throwaway roles that make us pine for movies that could have been. (Even the normally wooden Fox shows some strong comedy chops.) To make matters worse, at 134 minutes, it is way too long for its own good; after about 45 minutes you wish Peter and Debbie would just file for divorce and get it over with.

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Columbia Pictures

the un-chick flick: DjangO unchaineD

The ReVIeWseR: this is 40

by fil chapa - [email protected]

by gary DOwell - www.movieinK.neT



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Nissan has followed ranks of the likes of Ford and the Chrysler Group taking a risky move away from frame-based architecture to underpin its newest of

sport utes, specifically Pathfinder from the Nissan folks. Nissan is taking Pathfinder back to a unibody chassis as it did for the second-generation vehicle in model year 1996. And, like then, Nissan is outfitting the truck with a 3.5-liter V-6. Unlike its predecessor, this fourth-gen vehicle

has slimmed down while increasing in size and operates primarily in front-wheel drive with the rear wheels throwing in their two cents when driving conditions get a bit dicier. A new CVT gearbox now backs up the Pathfinder engine and the two work to produce some 26 mpg on the highway while spinning up 260hp and 240 lb. ft. of torque and capable of towing up to 5,000 lbs. We were able to test the towing prowess of the new Pathfinder and let me just say if you have something you need to

tow use your Armada or Titan as the Pathfinder struggles just a bit. Losing the frame made things a little “jigglier” and there is no towing mirror option so with something like a travel trailer in tow you are almost blind. The engine and transmission work together very well but if you are not yet used to the feeling (and sound) of the engine behind a CVT it may seem a bit perplexing – no perceptible shifting of gears will do that to newbies. All 2013 Pathfinders arrive with three rows

of seating for a maximum capacity of seven, but should you place your child seat in the center of the second row and properly anchor it you lose the convenient EZ FLEX and LATCH AND GLIDE access to the third row Nissan engineers worked so diligently to deliver (and proudly display on our press junket). Placing the child seat in the starboard second row position allows the system to worked cleverly with the seat in place (just don’t LATCH AND GLIDE with a child in the seat). I rode for a short distance in the third row of seats and the vehicle and discovered ample headroom and a comfortable ride back there although I wouldn’t want to be sequestered there for any great distances. Behind the wheel I found the 2013 Pathfinder to be very well mannered and was a breeze to drive and exhibited no torque steer under heavy acceleration even when fully engaged in FWD. Vehicles equipped with 4WD take advantage

of a new All-Mode 4×4-i that offers 2WD, Auto, and 4WD modes and a torque-split display shows how much power is being sent fore and aft at all times. There is also a Hill Start Assist function that keeps the vehicle from rolling backward when moving your foot from brake to gas on an incline. We tested the vehicles quite extensively in California both on-road and off- and the 2013 Pathfinder performed quite well in most instances. I did observe a similar annoyance on the off-road track as I did with the new Ford Explorer on models equipped with a panoramic glass roof: The mass of glass turns into a giant diaphragm displacing huge amounts of air over my eardrums when the road surface gets very undulating. Much of the noise, vibration, and harshness that is designed to be absorbed by the rigid unibody chassis is transmitted to the glass panels and makes the roof a giant ultra-low frequency transducer. Aside from that – and the couple of other minor little things I mentioned – I enjoyed my time in the new Pathfinder. Pricing will begin at $28,270 for base 2WD models with a top-of-the-line Platinum 4WD starting at just over 40 grand.

gearshift nissan pathfinDer by DaviD gOODspeeD - [email protected]

You are our It Girl of the Year. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. You are our very own princess from across the pond. We would eat fish and chips forever if it meant just a moment with you. We would endure a lifetime of crappy weather and riding on double-decker buses if we could sit in the seat next to you. You had our hearts since Doctor Who with those beautiful eyes that we can see our futures in and that smile that could break through London fog. You see Ms. Piper, we love you not just for your surface of the sun hotness, but for your…ok it’s mostly for your overwhelming hotness, but we could learn to love other things about you as well. Billie, 2013 is your year and the only thing that we would call you girl is beautiful.

Sincerely,

-BW

Dear billie,

Girlof theYear



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ACROSS1. Slightly wet6. Heredity unit10. Rabbit14. Eagerness15. Poems16. Holly17. New Zealand native18. Speech disorder19. A few20. A moderately quick

tempo22. Not that23. Athleticfacility24. Submarine26. Evening event30. Unsuccessful person32. Change33. Charitable contributions37. Views38. Continuation of the coat

collar39. Henhouse

40. Not often42. A toy windinstrument43. Appointed44. Yield45. French for “Our”47. Passenger vehicle48. Serene49. Never-ceasing56. Go on horseback57. Nile bird58. Audio communications59. Baking appliance60. Cypher61. Make improvements62. Flippant63. Clove hitch or figure

eight64. Territories

DOWN 1. Mother2. By mouth3. False god4. Achy5. Set off6. Automaton7. Modify8. Where a bird lives9. Betrothal10. Belongingto the past11. Hello or goodbye12. Send, as payment13. X X X X21. Type of whiskey25. Wager26. Back talk27. Margarine28. Bit of gossip29. Rancor30. Bounded along31. 1 1 1 133. British title

34. Exude35. Midday36. Smudge38. A humorous verse41. Black gunk42. Sparrow hawk44. Flee45. Unsophisticated46. Not younger47. Assail48. Prune50. Black, in poetry51. Adriatic resort52. Tibetan monk53. Biblical garden54. A region of SE Pakistan55. Mats of grass

SagittariusNovember 22 – December 21 The stars were considering warning you about your birthday present this week but think it’ll be funnier for you to find out on your own.

CapricornDecember 22 – January 19Even though you would like to believe that time heals all wounds, we recommend that you visit the emergency room this Saturday.

AquariusJanuary 20 – February 18You will meet the woman of your dreams this weekend proving once and for all that you have fucked up dreams.

PiscesFebruary 19 – March 20Don’t worry: There’s nothing wrong with your outlook, career goals or your stunted tail.

AriesMarch 21 – April 19The time is now! Stop pretending to be selfless when in fact you are the most self-centered bastard we know.

TaurusApril 20 – May 20It would be best if you didn’t leave the house this week. The IHOP waitress you stiffed is still out there and she hasn’t forgotten.

GeminiMay 21 – June 21 It’s time for you to consider your own mortality. Specifically you need to do this before jumping on the DART rail this Friday.

CancerJune 22 – July 22You should stop blaming people for all of problems in your life. Instead blame it all on those damn fortune cookies you’ve been eating.

Leo July 23 – August 22There are more important things in life than the new Hobbit movie, but not in your life.

VirgoAugust 23 – September 22Although last Tuesday might not mean that much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life!

LibraSeptember 23 – October 22Now that you’ve slept your way to the top of your profession we want to know if you like the view.

ScorpioOctober 23 – November 21So it was your idea to use “Crazy Train” to sell SUVs. Thanks a lot!

BLITZ FuNNySa chick with lOng legs A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender. “Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.” “That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” “That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man. “That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! ...Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?” The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

UP-TIGHT OVER RELAXATION How do you relieve stress, anxiety, even depression? While many folks say a short vacation, even a trip to the spa helps, research done by Christina Luberto, a doctoral student in psychology at the University of Cincinnati, found at least 15% of his test group suffered relaxation-induced anxiety, which happens when people become anxious as a result of being relaxed.

REALLY BIG PARTY ANIMALSDuring a recent cold spell in Siberia, two elephants were being transported when their large trailer caught fire. This placed them both outside in danger of

Solution on Page 18

freezing to death. What may have saved their lives, according to the Komsomolskaya Pravda daily (December 7, 2012), was their trainer, Leonid Labo, who gave the pachyderms a total of 10 liters (2.6 gallons) of vodka diluted in warm water.

BAGGY BACKSIDESDecember 12, 2012 - nbcnews.com reports Hialeah, Florida, police arrested Pedro Hernandez, 57, and Samela Hernandez, 53, for practicing medicine without a license, after a buttocks-enhancing procedure on a female went wrong. And this, unfortunately, is not an isolated case. For instance, Oneal Morris, a transgender woman, was accused of injecting toxic concoctions, which included Fix-a-Flat, into her “patients,” causing at least one death.

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Chub’s Second Chance With Her First Crush

I’m a big believer in the saying “everything happens for a reason.” For being a self-professed cupid-loving, hero-seeking, hot blooded female, hell yes I believe everything happens for a reason. I think you have to when on the lookout for love. So imagine how tickled I was when an old flame from my playground days reached out to me via Facebook 15 years later. Now when I say flame, he was basically my first intermediate school crush. But his attention was fixed on a chesty fourth grader who wasn’t rolly polly chub like me. I can close my eyes and still hear my chunky inner thighs rubbing together in my Unionbay overalls gliding down the tiny school halls. My gold-rimmed glasses and blobby face smiled, even though I was round and no boys fancied me. It was okay because I had my Beverly Cleary books and my humor. And this little boy I had a crush on (we’ll call him Jake) liked me as a friend. Fifteen years flashed by and we both landed in Dallas for our first “grow-up jobs.” Good ol’ Facebook allowed us to re-connect. He asked me out on a date and the little fat girl was jumping for joy inside as I realized this was finally my chance. It was my ugly duckling turned swan moment. I remember my mom assuring me a moment like this would happen. It

was simply too hard to believe her as we were shopping in the Pretty Plus section at Sears, browsing the ample selection of elastic waist

jeans. But this was my moment to let that little fat girl shine. I couldn’t wait for Jake to see me in a silk little number I picked out just for the date. I wanted his jaw to

hit the floor. We decided to meet in Uptown for a quick drink and then dinner. I was shamelessly giddy, making certain every hair was in place. Plus, a girl always loves a little extra motivation to shave the legs. I was pleased with our initial greeting. He still looked just as cute as he did

back in our little elementary school desks. When he reached in to give me a squeeze, I was flushed with excitement and nerves.

Doing a happy dance inside, we got in his car and headed to the restaurant. As we looked over the menu, the conversation flowed smoothly, just like the wine. I kept invisibly pinching myself, unable to believe destiny was calling and giving me a second chance at the plate. After our first date, he consistently texted and called me every single day. He’d start the string of texts each day with “How’s the day?” He was out of town a lot for work, but

made sure he contacted me daily. When he popped into town, he

would make time for a date. As my interest and affection grew for him, it went south. I soon realized he was a

huge partier. When I say partier, I mean frat boy, blackout drunk partying. No offense, but I never dated a frat boy in college and I sure as hell ain’t gonna start now. Some of my friends and I were planning to meet up with him and his pals. He continually called me,

anticipating the meet-up and was three sheets to the wind. Slurring

illogical shit together, he would hang up and call me right back. Each time he called me, he had no recollection of the previous call. After this repeated nine times, I was beyond perturbed. As I was washing my hands of this nonsense, his slop-drunk ass appeared in front of the patio where we were waiting. I have never seen such a stumbling, gross fool. His attractiveness plummeted and I soon realized he was not the same boy I had a crush on years ago. We joined him and his friends for a hot minute. I got groped and smooched on my cranium

and then I peaced the hell out of there. Having every intention of deleting his number, he called me the next morning apologizing profusely for his “out of character” behavior. One of the most valuable tidbits I’ve learned along this roller coaster of love is that if someone says his behavior is “out of character,” it’s probably a lie. I’d put money on it that it’s absolutely in line with his character; it’s simply a trait he realizes isn’t admirable. Anyway, like a puppy love fool I gave him another chance. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on the little fat girl who so desperately wanted this to work. A couple weeks later, it’s déjà vu all the hell over again. This time I was home, fast asleep and I get a booty call in the middle of the night. Now, we had never even kissed at this point and Jake is blowing up my phone, telling me how amazing and sexy I am. In fact, he was wanting to come crawl in bed with me. He was even feeding me bullshit (which I eagerly consumed) that I was unlike other girls and the kind of girl you get serious with. I boldly retorted, “Maybe you should kiss me after a date first, before we jump into the sack and bone.” The next day rolled around and his sober self conveniently didn’t recall the conversation. He was such a bore on our date. It was our sixth one and I was sick of purchasing “first kiss” outfits. Every time he took me out, I kept thinking that it was going to be our first kiss. After our sixth and final date, I was feeling insecure and confused as to why he wasn’t making a move. I couldn’t stand it anymore so I called him afterwards and explained I wasn’t really feeling it, partly because of his drunken little fits and because he wasn’t making a move. I am all about chivalry, but in this day and age, a first kiss after fifteen years and six dates is basically mandatory. He assured me he thought I was beautiful and sexy, but he was just waiting for it to click. Finally…an honest, straight answer. Not the answer I wanted but at least he was giving it to me straight. Us girls really do want the hard, honest truth. It doesn’t help us when you sugar coat that shit. He said he wanted to keep dating, but I knew it wouldn’t end pretty. When the chemistry isn’t there, it simply isn’t there. Although this tale of a schooldays lover didn’t end in a lip-lock, let alone matrimony, at least I got my second chance. I definitely owed it to the little chubby-cheeked girl inside of me. I think that is truly the sweetest, most blissful moment a formerly fat girl can have. Although I didn’t snag the man, I certainly snagged my day in the sun.

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ThE CLOSER

Dear Arthur,What are your thoughts on me bartering sex in exchange for more money from my kid’s douche bag dad who barely takes care of our daughter?

Signed, Bartering Barbie

Perhaps it’s written somewhere within my self-loathing DNA to prove all of these quasi-new age love philosophers wrong, because if sex bartering with your baby’s mother is the new thing in Dallas then I’m headed out of town fast! I’ve already lived this episode of life and harsh lessons were learned! What happened was my born-again stripper ex-wife called me up and asked for extra money. This was after she had already spent the child support check I had sent. I was in between girlfriends and super smash buddies’ so I found myself unwittingly paying for sex from her. We continued this new arrangement for a few weeks, until I started getting tired of being in a for pay relationship with the antichrist. Bartering sex with an ex is a bad idea! It’s been said that pimping ain’t easy, especially if you’re pimping yourself! Each time you lay down with your baby daddy you’re sacrificing more of your self-respect. Is that the type of mother you want to be to your little girl? Is this the type of confusion you want her to grow up in? I hope not! This prostitution of self has to stop! If your child’s father is truly the douche bag you make him out to be, put him on child support and let the law handle it. Otherwise, give him a chance to be a man and take care of your daughter. Money can’t replace the love a man has for his child!

the answer guy

with ARTHUR BELLFIELD Posie Pocket has experienced some puzzling dating

situations. Instead of hardening her heart, she’s re-flecting on these encounters with hope and bright eyes for the future. By sharing her stories, she’s revealing the lessons learned and getting a good laugh while on the lookout for love.

Pocketful of Peens Thorned Not Scorned



19

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