being sian' - the old man

8/14/2019 'Being Sian' - the Old Man

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Being Sian

The Old Man

I was very lonely. A feeling of panic would rise and I would be thinking

terrible thoughts, of what I was doing and the consequences of leaving

home. How would I assert my independence with mother? Would she

ever accept it? She was constantly pressuring me about it, trying to make

me feel guilty, persuading me to Drop everything and come home.

I didnt mind asserting myself, but I didnt know what I was fighting for.This independence was scary. I had nobody, and I didnt have a plan. I

didnt want a plan. I was too tired to think.

So when a seedy old man from the hostel offered for me to come with him

today, I agreed. I didnt like him or trust him; he was dirty, like a tramp,

with a sly look in his eye. He never made eye contact. I followed him from

bus to train, not asking any questions, just bored out of my mind with

nothing to do. At least it was getting me out of the hostel for a day.

He ended up in a little park, a tiny one actually, near the main road of

some place in South London that Id never been to before. I think it was

near Peckham, but I paid no attention to road signs, lost in the little

depressed world inside my head. He swung his beer can to his mouth

several times. I figured I was safe enough here with him, he could hardly

rape me in broad daylight, could he?

I refused the offer of a swig from his lukewarm, can of beer, but acceptedwhat he gave me next. I didnt even question what it was- I took it, a small

little pill with a funny taste. He said nothing as he handed them over. I

thought that was strange, because people in hostels are never generous

with pills, drugs, alcohol... they fight over them.


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3But my head was getting nice and numb now, I stopped thinking, and kept

popping them, one after another. Well, he just kept handing them to me.

It suited me to escape my pain. After a while I couldnt seem to talk

clearly. Not that I tried, because he wasnt much into conversation. I just

had trouble with my lips; they were thick and heavy, like whale skin. Ireally couldnt speak properly, and gave up.

He gave up too. I think he saw how bad I was getting, and decided to

leave me there to rot. He mumbled something quickly and shuffled away.

I didnt feel like chasing him. Instead, I wandered along to the nearest

train station I could find. I felt okay actually, considering the amount of

pills I had swallowed, and not knowing what they were.

I remember standing along the platform waiting to board the train. The

noise was making my head feel clouded and heavy, and the bustle of

people was a bit much to take, but I managed to get on the train. I saw a

girl looking over at me with a concerned look on her face, and wondered

why. I stayed on for a few more stops till I recognized a place, and got off.

I felt a bit queasy. My head was starting to feel like a concrete block had

hit it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, my head collapsed into a black fog. I was

blind. I couldnt see; even worse, I couldnt hear! I sank quickly against

the curved wall of the Underground, not knowing what I was going to do

next. I felt embarrassed, helpless and conspicuous, knowing everyone

could see me and was wondering. I couldnt stay here.

Moments between the fog gave me split seconds where I could make out

grey shadows, and work my way up the escalators, like a half blind man

without a stick, living on instincts and guessing. As soon as I reached the

moving steps, I realised I wouldnt make it. I couldnt judge where thestep was to mount it, and I was getting in everyones way, I could hear

their impatient mutters around me. I gave up and sank to the floor on the

left. It hurt my eyes to keep them open; so I didnt.

Are you okay there? I heard a young womans voice.


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4I looked up in surprise; she was the first one to care. I opened my eyes to

respond to her. I could hardly see; everything was dark grey. Her shape

stood out from the murky background because she stood so close. She

looked small and polite, like someone who worked in an office. Black hair

in a bob, with a fringe- she could have been Chinese, with a British accent.

I felt I should make an effort to answer her, to reward her concern, but I

wasnt able. All I could hear was a groan. I think she alerted Security then,

because it all seemed to be taken over from that point, and the nice lady

vanished. I heard a male voice, horribly loud and assertive, in my ear.

Can you hear me? Whats your name?

He was waking me up, I didnt like it. As for my name, I didnt feel sociable

enough to tell him. Why wouldnt he leave me alone? I was too exhausted

to explain it to him- it didnt work with that Chinese lady.

I need you to stay awake. Can you do that for me?

In between annoying me, he shouted over to his colleague. I noticed he

used a completely different voice for him; a normal tone for a normal

person. I felt like a child. It was similar to the condescending manner used

for kids, or stupid people. I felt insulted.

He was a God compared to what came along next. I was handed over to

the Ambulance staff, two men and the Bitch. The two men were lovely;

considerate and caring, polite. Everything that the Bitch wasnt!

The two men lifted me up from either side, one arm each. They asked me

if I was okay. I mumbled something back, and the Bitch flipped.

Oh come on, stop play acting. She snapped.

You dont need two arms held. Youre not that bad.


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5I was shocked. She actually made one of the men drop my arm. I couldnt

believe it.

It was actually harder for me now, to get up the stairs with less support. It

must have been harder for the guy too, as I leaned on him harder.

I always wondered what her problem was, or why she hated me so much.

The worse thing was, I couldnt see her nasty face well enough to

memorise it. She will always be the faceless Bitch who attacked me for no

reason. Kick a man when hes down would summarise it; I dont know

why she was working for the Ambulance service at all.

Apparently I spent a long time unconscious, two or three days. I still dontknow what the pills were, but they gave me a nice sleep anyway, some

escapism. I remember waking up in a panic during the first twelve hours

of it, feeling parched with thirst. I was on an operating table, with a nurse

standing over me, in a small room. She wouldnt give me any water.

Another Bitch.

Am I going to die? I asked her, scared and confused.

I dont know. She smiled, serene and calm. Well have to wait and find

out!

I couldnt believe it. The Bitches were crawling out of the woodwork

today, and I was the local Bitch Magnet. I gave up and fell asleep.

I woke up some time later in another panic. My mother would panic. I

nearly missed my daily pager message to her. I fished it out of my bag; my

arm slumped over the edge of the narrow bed, swinging like a limpmonkey. In the message, I admitted that I was in hospital, and pressed

send. At least that particular bitch would shut up for a few hours; at least

she had got her daily dose of control. I dreaded her coming to see me

though. I just wasnt able for her.


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6When she arrived, she was all in hysterics, (about herself, not me) how she

was inconvenienced: I was in a panic, not knowing where you were, etc.

etc. Yet, she didnt back up her claims of concern with any caring

questions about my welfare at all. I just wanted her to go, and stop

pestering me with high pitched accusations. She was doing my head in.She was always in a panic, whether it was an emergency or not, and if

there were no problems, shed invent them, just to pass the time.

Whereas I had a life to live, I was sick of her games.

Fortunately, she had to leave after a few hours of torment, because

visiting hours were over. I was truly glad to see the back of her. I drifted

back into a grateful slumber.

Hours later, it might even have been the next day- I woke up to find my

knickers wet and a sticky feeling in between my legs. My period had

decided to inconvenience me with its arrival, now of all times. It annoyed

me, because I didnt have anything to use, and I lacked the energy to ask

the Bitch nurse, who would probably be sarcastic about it.

Fuck this. I decided to abscond. I gathered all the strength I had, about a

half ounce, and tried to stand up. I wobbled. Not to be deterred, I carried

on towards the ward entrance. I passed it, even though my vision was

starting to go dim again. The effort I made was gigantic, I got to the main

elevator lobby. Visitors were looking at me strangely. I realised that to

get away with it Id have to be wearing my proper clothes; but this was

just a test run to see if I could do it first. I couldnt. I just felt so ill, I could

hardly make it back to my hospital bed. I really felt defeated. More sleep

was my only escape now. I would need it for mothers visit soon.

This came sooner than I thought. Her sharp voice and staring eyes burnedinto me all over again; I couldnt take any more of this hell. I decided to

use her presence to my advantage. I needed her help to leave. This she

was happy to do, because it meant she had something to do and wouldnt

be bored, fretting away in her own world inside her head.


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7After much convincing to the nasty nurse, I was free to go. We got my

things together, and I fought off the dizzy spells as much as I could. I

leaned on her so heavily on the way out, that she almost fell over. On her

suggestion, we went to MacDonalds. Afterwards, because I had no choice

and it made sense at the time, we went to her flat.

After two days of recovery, I couldnt bear my mother around me, so later

I went back to the hostel for some peace. I had plenty of time to recover

from my accidental overdose, and never saw that seedy tramp man again.

I had bolted back to the hostel as soon as I could, for fear of going nuts in

my mothers place. And recover I did; I felt well enough to get up to my

usual technique of letting men into my bed. Loneliness again was driving

me to seek their company, and if this meant taking advantage of mesexually, then that was better than nothing.

What I was good at is casting my fears aside, and sleeping with every man

who offered. This was a lot. I craved affection, and so I accepted their

attentions willingly. I needed their approval. I only got that during the

time my legs were open- afterwards I was back to being a nobody.

Today Dan asked me to into his room. I agreed because I was bored, and

this offer meant that I was appealing to men, and worth something, even if

it was a cheap shag. Straight away he gave me an ecstasy tablet. He broke

it in half first (which I thought was mean of him) and offered it to me. I

took it from his hand automatically, thinking, Well its for free, and it

might get me high. I wanted to feel good.

Next, I was on his bed. I didnt mind. I felt that some attention from a

man would make me feel wanted. On top of the covers, he climbed in

next to me, writhing over my body. I felt nothing. He grew hot, and out of

breath, and I felt as if I wasnt even there, that he could have been having

an out of body experience by himself. I felt no sexual arousal whatsoever.

I cant even remember whether he entered me, or if he came. I know I

didnt, and was glad when it was over.


8/8

8I was also disappointed in the ecstasy tablet. It had no effect on me either.

I felt no different, and I wondered whether this was because he only gave

me half. This experience seemed to be happening more and more lately,

meeting men from time to time, freezing up, allowing them to have their

way. I thought it was a shame that I could never enjoy it myself. Iwondered if they could sense it, and whether it affected their enjoyment.

Of course, Dan wasnt the only guy I let close to me. I didnt object too

much to Andrew. He was a young guy from Birmingham, about twenty

three, blond and okay looking. I met him on the street, snuggled inside a

sleeping bag next to a shop. I struck up conversation as it was raining hard

and I felt sorry for him. Sorry enough to offer my hostel room for the

night.

He was so grateful, it was unbelievable. He dried his sleeping bag over the

radiator and we got into bed, snuggling and chatting for hours till we fell

asleep. Nothing really happened, a bit of messing around but we both

couldnt be bothered, and I was glad. I just wanted company really, and it

was nice to be treated like a normal human being, a bit more like a sibling,

than a lover. This gave me comfort. I never saw him again, but I know I

made a difference to his life that night.

copyright@emmasharn2009

being sian' - the old man

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