Being in the Moment

User: In-home spouse caregiver and long distance daughter caregiver

Anne Anne is 36 and feels guilty for moving away from her parents. She wants to be able to help more in her Dad’s care. She would love to be able to help her Mom with the stress and understanding of his dementia. She spends a lot of time looking for helpful information on the internet

Betty Betty is a 69 year-old retired school teacher. Betty would have kept teaching but Ben’s diagnosis made her feel like she needed to retire and be home with him. They always thought they would travel after they retired but it doesn’t look like that will happen. Betty liked teaching Sunday school and volunteering at the Humane Society. She has stopped both of those. Betty is struggling to understand her changing role as a caregiver.

Ben Ben is a 70 year-old retired postal worker who is struggling with the awareness that he can’t do what he used to. Ben loved having breakfast with the guys every Friday morning, fishing in his boat, making birdhouses, reading and watching mysteries and detective stories, and volunteering at the food bank. His confusion is making him sad, angry and frustrated. He doesn’t mean to take it out on his wife of 42 years. He is living with Alzheimer’s.

For 42 years Ben and Betty have been married. 5 years ago Ben was diagnosed

with Alzheimer’s. Lately, Ben is getting frustrated and angry at things and at Betty. He doesn’t want to watch his detective shows. He can’t work the

remote anymore. He gets angry when Betty shows him how. They seem to end

up arguing every time.

Betty doesn’t know what to do. She feels like she is always walking on eggshells.

She read somewhere that anger is just part of Alzheimer’s. Her family doctor suggested some medication to calm

down Ben. She filled the prescription but hasn’t given him any yet.

Betty feels there has to be a better way than to just give Ben more pills.

Betty’s daughter, Anne has been feeling helpless and guilty for being so far away from her parents. After receiving a great

job offer, Anne moved from Asheville, NC to New York City.

Betty was sharing with Anne some of her questions she had about Ben like, “Why doesn’t he like his old detective shows anymore? Why doesn’t he know how cooperate the remote anymore? What

makes him so frustrated? “

“Mom, I saw an ad on a receipt about a caregiving website. I’ll email you and you

just click on the blue link and you can watch this short video. Maybe it will help

you out at home.” Anne told her.

“Thank you, dear. I’ll look now. Your Dad is napping.”

Betty clicked on the link and watched a video about a daughter taking care of her Dad. The Dad had not taken his morning

pills but insisted that he had. The daughter pleaded with her dad to take his

medication.They started to argue. The video stopped and the daughter talked

directly to the camera.

“I realized that since Dad has short-term memory loss it is pointless to argue. At

times I really want to argue with him, but it is pointless. Dad forgets what we are

arguing about, but now he is upset and confused.

If I confront him and say, ‘I know you didn’t take your pills!’ and he thinks he did. I am making him feel foolish. I don’t want that.

So here is what I and you can do in this situation. First of all, breathe…you can try

to come back later..”

Betty continued to watch more videos. They were short. She clicked around and

found several on topics she needed answers for.

One video was from the point of view of a person with dementia. Short-term memory

loss is not an easy perspective to understand. We take our own memory for

granted so much we have trouble imagining it not working well.

Why doesn’t dad read his sci-fi novels anymore? Why won’t he watch that crime

show he was always crazy about? TV shows or books with elaborate stories can become nonsense to a person with short-term memory loss. Try to find new

shows or books that require less memory, but focus on what has always made them

happy.

“Oh,” thought Betty, “that gives me an idea.”

Betty reached out to her neighbor to show her how to record TV shows (TV is

so complicated now). They scrolled through the schedule and found several she thought Ben would enjoy. There was

a whole series on bass fishing! Before they had to sell the bass boat, it was

Ben’s favorite thing to do. Betty would sometimes go with him if his fishing

buddy was busy. She would sit and knit, and he would reel in dinner.

“Ben, Please come and sit by me. Look at this fishing show!” He did.

No plot. Nothing to keep track of. Just being together in a way they used to do.

They had a calm evening for the first time in a while.

Betty has tried to stop correcting and arguing with Ben. It’s not easy, but she is

looking at his world from his from his point of view now. She is feeling better

about herself and about Ben.

Oh, and she got rid of that medicine. She didn’t need pills to calm Ben. Betty

needed to change her behavior. Think about how she approaches him and

realize that his frustration is justified for what he is going through.

Their daughter, Anne feels good about her parents for the first time in a long time.

Even though Anne lives far away she was still able to help. She was able to make

both of their lives a little easier.