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Boosting Your Assertiveness

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Congratulations. You have just taken the first step towards developing an even more effective communication style. Your questionnaire results show that other people probably perceive your communication style to be assertive. This is a strong starting point, because assertive communicators are great influencers and negotiators. The benefits of being assertive include:

High levels of confidence combined with low levels of stress Strong networks and relationships Being able to sort out disagreements early, so that conflict does not

negatively impact your relationships Key abilities in relation to negotiation, persuasion and influence

And the good news is that you can continue to build on the skills you already possess. This report explains how you can use advanced level techniques to speak more persuasively and handle even tough conversations with professionalism.

What is an assertive communication style?An assertive communication style is fair and respectful. Assertive people respect both themselves and other people. When you communicate assertively, you express what’s going on for you without feeling anxious or angry. You feel okay about communicating your thoughts, feelings and needs. And you are also willing to listen to others’ thoughts, feelings and needs. You can protect your physical and psychological boundaries. At the same time, you are able to listen calmly to others – even when you don’t agree with them. You can achieve an equal, balanced division of power – even when you are in lower hierarchical position (for example, when talking to your boss).

Why change your communication style?Communicating effectively boosts your personal power. Instead of becoming upset when facing problem people, you can be confident and calm. Rather than backing down, you can stand up for yourself appropriately. Instead of shouting or arguing, you can get your point across professionally. You can find the right words to confront problem behaviour. And you can sound sure of yourself as you say those words. No doubt you already have a number of strengths as a communicator. And now you’re ready to fine tune your skills. Doing this can help all aspects of your life. Assertiveness skills are useful in your professional life, your family life and your social life. Learning to speak and listen assertively will help you persuade, negotiate and influence more successfully. Building your communication skills can help you to:

Cut out behaviours that undermine your personal influence Communicate with power and conviction Prevent conflicts, difficult situations and disagreements causing you grief Connect with others and build strong relationships Break the habits which diminish your success as a communicator Become the best communicator you can be


What is assertive behaviour?Assertive communication is based on behaviours which show you know your own rights and are also respectful of others’ rights. When you communicate assertively, you can express what’s going on for you without feeling anxious. You can let difficult people know your limits. At the same time, you can listen respectfully to other people. You can empathise and take into account their feelings and perspectives. You can achieve an equal, balanced division of power – even when you are in lower hierarchical position (for example, when talking to your boss).Sometimes assertiveness is confused with aggression. This is probably because the name implies that assertiveness involves ‘asserting’ your own needs. And, yes, assertive people do this. But being assertive also entails enquiring about what other people need. Being assertive does not mean you are pushy or obnoxious. It means you can state your feelings, needs and desires in a nonjudgmental and nonthreatening way.

What does being assertive involve?Being assertive involves using constructive nonverbal behaviours and speaking honestly and appropriately. Building your communication skills is a lifelong task. Here are some tips you can use to build and maintain your assertiveness.Keep your mindset constructiveAssertive people have positive beliefs - beliefs which support them in speaking up, respecting others, taking action and setting boundaries. For example, if you have an assertive belief system, you will find the following beliefs ring true for you:

I have the right to say ‘no’ respectfully I am entitled to make my own decisions I have the right to set limits on how difficult people treat me Expressing feelings like hurt, anger or disappointment is okay It is okay for other people to have opinions which differ from mine Others have a right to feel whatever they feel – there is no point arguing

about their emotionsMaybe not all your beliefs are assertive right now. That’s fine – because beliefs can be challenged and changed. Changing your beliefs will often result in behavioural changes. For example, imagine you are about to give a speech to a group of 100 people. What would happen if you gazed out at your audience, believing that they hated your presentation, and fixed your attention on people who looked bored or antagonistic? How would you feel? What would you do? Chances are, you’d look and feel nervous and unassertive. Now image how your perceptions, feelings and behaviour would be different if you believed the audience really wanted to hear your presentation. You’d be focussed on the positive faces in the audience. You’d be seeing the smiles of the engaged members of the group. You’d feel confident and ready to speak up. And your performance would be smooth, persuasive and easy to listen to. Maintain assertive body languageBody language is a form of communication based on gestures and movements. It has both conscious and unconscious dimensions. An example of someone


consciously using body language to communicate is the presenter who holds her hands apart to show the size of an object she’s describing. An example of someone unconsciously expressing himself through body language is the young man who walks into a meeting and brushes back his hair. While he is not aware of the gesture, it communicates his nervous state to the people already in the room. The physical expression of feelings is a natural part of being human. For instance, from a very young age, a child who dislikes a certain food will pucker their lips when eating that food. This is not a culturally programmed behaviour – it is a ‘universal’ way of expressing disgust. Other body language patterns, however, are culturally programmed (in other words, learned). One example of culturally programmed body language is the way you glaze your eyes and look towards the doors when you get into a lift. You learned this body language pattern from role models as you grew up. Aim to use ‘open’ body language when giving feedback. Two useful elements to track during communication are hand movements and discomfort displays. Let’s start with hand movements. These often convey a wealth of information about how you are thinking. For example, imagine you’re talking a friend about something he has learned. As he speaks, he points to the left, then straight in front of himself and then to the right. This sequence of movements communicates the fact that he is describing a sequential process, which moves from step one to step three. Without saying a word, your friend has helped you take on his message. Aim to keep your hand movements flowing, appropriate to the context and open. Avoid gestures which are abrupt or involve hiding your hands. Both these movements can seem threatening to someone who is receiving feedback. Also make sure to eliminate any finger-pointing gestures. These create the impression you’re blaming or attacking the other person. The second area of nonverbal communication to monitor when communicating is discomfort displays. These are behaviour patterns which send the meta message that you are stressed or uncomfortable. For example, if you’re trying to end a conversation with an over-talker, you’re likely to display some signs of discomfort. You might look at your watch, move away from the other person or break eye contact. Everyone expresses discomfort in a different way. But some common discomfort displays to watch out for include clenching your jaw, pressing your lips together, scratching and fidgeting. Create a dialogueWhen you get the mix of listening and talking right, you’re building ‘dialogue.’ This is a type of conversation where people share meaning. It cuts down on the risk of conflict. And it increases your chances of negotiating fairly with difficult personalities. By building your dialogue skills, you will be able to handle annoying, toxic people far more effectively. Dialogue is a trusting and respectful type of conversation. During a dialogue, both you and the other person can express thoughts and feelings honestly. Don’t defend yourself when your ideas or opinions are challenged by difficult people. Instead, focus on listening. This helps you absorb new ideas or perspectives. Dialogue is very different to debate. Dialogue is collaborative, debate is oppositional. During a debate, people take sides. Each person tries to ‘win’ by proving that their viewpoint is correct. During a dialogue, everyone is interested in sharing meaning and creating a common understanding of the issue under consideration. There are five steps involved in creating dialogue.


Firstly, choose one issue to focus on at a time. This keeps your conversation outcome focussed. It also helps steer the discussion back to the key issue if difficult people try to side-track it.Secondly, ask what the other person thinks about the issue before you describe your own views. Assertive people always balance speaking with listening. During tough conversations, they tend to listen first and then explain their own position. Most importantly, they empathise with others and use ‘reflective statements’ to show they are listening. Here are some useful phrases for showing respect for others’ positions – even when you don’t agree with them.

Thanks for sharing your perspective What you’re saying is… So you believe… To you, it’s important that… You think… You feel… Your perspective is…

Thirdly, check that it’s okay to add your own perspective before talking about your own position. This ensures that other people will listen when you’re talking. Say something simple like “Can I explain how I see this?” Wait for an answer before continuing. Fourthly, Use I Statements to explain your position, thoughts or feelings. Keep your statement simple and clear. This is particularly important if you’re dealing with aggressive people who want to talk over you. Finally, ask the other person to clarify what they’ve heard. This encourages them to listen actively. It gives you a chance to correct any misunderstandings early. It also provides the difficult person with feedback on how you have interpreted their words or actions.Repeat these five steps as many times as you need to in order to fully understand each other. You’ll be surprised how quickly you can reach a shared meaning or resolve a conflict using dialogue techniques. Balance advocacy and enquiry modesBeing assertive means balancing ‘advocacy’ and ‘enquiry.’ When you advocate, you’re speaking up for yourself. When you enquire, you’re exploring the views of other people. Advocacy is all about getting your perspective across. It involves communicating your internal thoughts and feelings, not just facts. For example, during every-day conversation you might be tempted to say “That approach is stupid.” Although, to some extent this statement expresses your feelings, it does not explain what is going on for you. And it is likely to draw out a defensive reaction. Using advocacy techniques would mean saying something like “Because I’ve tried a similar approach in the past, I’m worried about putting that idea into action.” Advocacy is all about explaining what you think or feel and how your thoughts or feelings developed. Remember that you need to package your advocacy message in ways that other people will understand and feel able to listen to. Advocating involves speaking with emotional intelligence and assertiveness. When dealing with difficult people, be direct and clear in what you say. Explain your assumptions and how you reached


them. This is called being ‘transparent’ about your thinking. Being transparent the chance that you’ll trigger a defensive reaction in the difficult person.To be transparent, use statements like “I think this…because..." or “I assumed this because I felt…” This helps problem people understand and digest your point of view. It helps you avoid sounding aggressive or passive. And it adds an assertive tone to tough conversations. Some useful phrases to use when you’re in advocacy mode include:

Here's what I think… and here’s how I got there… My intention here is to... I’m making a few assumptions here. Let me explain them… Here’s where I’m coming from Because I saw/heard… I assumed…

When you’re in enquiry mode, focus on finding out about the other person’s viewpoint. Ask questions about what the difficult person thinks or feels. Listen carefully to what they say in response. If you need to, follow up with more questions. Be careful to sound interested and helpful – you don’t want to come across as an interrogator. Remember that enquiry is all about respectful, active listening. Starting the process of enquiry means checking out what other people think. You need to ask questions to get the ball rolling. These can include questions like:

What do you think about this? How does this seem from your perspective? What are your feelings about this? Do you have any comments on this matter? What feedback would you like to give me?

When you’re asking enquiry-based questions, be careful not to move into interrogation mode. Avoid ‘rapid fire’ questioning and instead ask your questions one at a time. Keep them simple and clear. Then pause and take time to really listen. After all, listening is the most important part of the enquiry process. It helps you understand what other people think – and where their thoughts stem from. Clarifying your understanding of someone else’s message ensures you understand them fully. It also provides the other person with feedback on how you have interpreted their words or actions. This then opens the door to honest and congruent dialogue. Make sure you use active listening techniques when you’re in enquiry mode. Some useful phrases for showing you’ve listened well include:

It sounds like you mean… From what you’ve said… I get the feeling… Am I correct in understanding...? Can you help me understand that a bit better? What causes you to say…?

Balance honesty and appropriateness


Assertive language expresses your feelings, opinions and thoughts honestly and appropriately. It is neutral and non-judgemental, as well as honest. Here are five tips for getting your message right.

1. Always use statements that begin with ‘I’ rather than ‘you.’ Messages that start with ‘you’ imply that others are responsible for how you feel. This comes across as blaming and can make other people feel defensive. It can also trigger conflict. For example, consider the reaction you’d get if you said “You always leave me behind when you go out.” This sounds whining and accusing. Now consider a more assertive version of the same message - “I’d like to be included in your visits to your friends, because I like spending time with you.” This is much more likely to gain a positive reception.

2. Avoid saying “I can’t” or “I shouldn’t.” Instead, say "I will not be comfortable doing that" or "I have decided not to." These more assertive statements highlight and give emphasis to your views and preferences. This is a useful way to set limits and boundaries.

3. Express your desire to understand the other person’s viewpoint. Do this by saying “I’d like to know what you think” or “I’m really keen to find a way we can work together on this.” Point out that you want to give them a chance to talk too. For example you can use statements like “Let's see how we can resolve this.”

4. Say ‘no’ when you need to. Almost everyone has faced situations in which they agreed to something they really didn’t want to. If you do this too often, you will come across as passive or timid. So learn how to say ‘no’ while respecting the other person’s request. When you do this firmly but politely, difficult people will respect you for your honesty.

5. Be willing to stand by your opinions and statements. Repeat what you’ve said if the message doesn’t seem to have been digested. Some people can take advantage of you if you seem to lack self-confidence and self-assurance. Remember that there are no 'ifs and buts' in the language of an assertive communicator. Aim to speak directly and clearly – so you leave the impression you are confident in what you say.

Where can you learn more?There are lots of options for developing your communication skills. You might find it useful to read more about the phrases and steps involved in handling specific behaviours. If so, you’ll find Eleanor Shakiba’s book Difficult People Made Easy a great read. If you need immediate help taking on assertive thinking patterns and behaviours, self-hypnosis might be good starting point. You’ll find a range of trance induction audio sessions in Eleanor’s shop. Or, if you want to attend training or start a coaching program you can work with Eleanor live. Contact her now to explore you

options.

Who created this tip sheetThis tip sheet was written by Australian people skills expert, Eleanor Shakiba. Eleanor has written over ninety training courses and produced a series of audio programs to help professionals excel at work. In 2011 she branched


into video production. She also provides one to one coaching and group training services in the corporate sector.

Eleanor's qualifications include a degree in Anthropology, Graduate Certificate in Adult Education, Graduate Diploma in Counselling and accreditation as a Master Practitioner of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). Eleanor is passionate about ‘creating success stories’ with professionals like you.

beating workplace bullying course outline · web vieweleanor's qualifications include a degree...

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