banned charisma secrets unleashed: learn the secrets of personal magnetism and how to attract,...
TRANSCRIPT
BannedCharismaSecretsUnleashed
LearnTheSecretsOfPersonalMagnetismAndHowToAttract,Inspire,Impress,InfluenceAndEnergizeAnyone
OnCommand
ByDanielSmith
TableofContentsChapter1:Charisma:TheSecretWeaponOfLeadershipChapter2:CharismaDefinedChapter3:TheInternalFoundationsOfCharismaChapter4:ExternalFoundations:UnderpinningCharisma’sOuterDimensionChapter5:TheCharismaticKey:ConfidenceChapter6:CharismaticBodyLanguageChapter7:AdaptOrDie:TheImportanceofEngagementChapter8:Meekness=Weakness:TheImportanceofAssertionChapter9:TheCharismaticMind:IntelligenceisYourAllyChapter10:Happiness:TheEmotionofCharismaChapter11:HowtoKillCharisma:Don’tDigYourOwnGraveChapter12:CharismaticRoleModelsDecodedChapter13:CharismaticConclusions
Chapter1:Charisma:TheSecretWeaponOfLeadership
Someofthemostpowerfulandinfluentialleadersthroughouthistoryhavehadasecretweapon.WhathelpedtomakeDr.MartinLutherKing,oneofthemostrespected,quoted,andfollowedmenofmoderntimes?WhatcausedJohnF.Kennedytobesoseductivetothegeneralpublicaswellastothemostbeautifulwomenofhisera?WhatledyoungmenandwomentomurderonthecommandofthederangedcultleaderCharlesManson?Simple;allthesepeople,andcountlessotherslikethem,possessoneepicweapon-charisma.
Thisbookisyourcompleteguidetoacquiringthemostpowerfulleadershiptacticthathistoryhaseverknown.Youwilllearnexactlywhatismeantby“charisma”and“beingcharismatic.”Itisatermoftenspoken,yetrarelyunderstood.Inthisbook’snextchapteryouwillhavethemysteryremovedfromcharisma,forever.
Definingcharismaisimportant,butnotenough.Youwilldelvedeeperintothenatureofcharismaandthecharismaticleader.Innerandouterdimensionsofcharismawillbeexplored,simplified,andapplied.Countlessbooksandarticlesofferbland,non-actionableadvicesuchas“behappy”or“useyourintelligence.”Thisbookwillnotwasteyourtimewithsuchemptyphrases;instead,themeaning,importance,andapplicationoftheseideaswillbeofferedinawayyoucanunderstandandapply.
Someoftheareasinwhichyouwilllearntouseyournewcharismaticsuperpowersincludereactingtodifferentsituations,audiences,andindividuals.Acomprehensiveguidetocharismaticbodylanguage,andwhyitworks,isprovided.
Thefirststeptobenefitingfromtheimmenseopportunitythatcharismarepresentsisacceptingthatpeoplearenotborncharismatic.Sure,somepeoplemaybemorenaturallyinclinedtowardscharismamorethanothers.Ultimately,however,charismaisaskillsetthatcanbelearned.Youmaybethemostextrovertedorintrovertedpersontoeverwalktheearth,butwithouttheunderstanding,implementation,andrepetitionofthebehaviorsandpracticesthatunderpincharisma,youwillnotprogress.
Doyouhaveafriendorrelativethateveryonelovestobearound?Afterreadingandapplyingthisbook,thatpersoncouldbeyou.Haveyoueverhadabossorcolleagueeveryoneseemstoloveworkingwithandgoingtheextramilefor?Charismacanhelpyouturbo-chargeyourprofessionallifelikethosepeople.
Ifyou’veeverbeeninarelationshipormarriageandfeltinsecureorjealous,charismaistheanswertoyourwoes.Charismaticpartnersarethebesttobewithandbecomingonewillallowyoutostaywith,orattract,thepersonofyourdreams.
Whatyoudowiththisbookisentirelyyourchoice.Youcantreatitasaninterestinginsightintotheworldofthecharismaticleaderandwhatmakeshimorhertick.Or,youcanrecognizetheimmensepowerofcharismaandunleashittoworkinyourownlife.Abettercareer,relationshipandlifeingeneralawait.Enjoy.
Chapter2:CharismaDefined
Thisbookisyourcompleteblueprinttounderstandingandapplyingthemostpowerfulandimportantaspectsofcharisma.Beforeyoucandelveintothedetails,itisimportanttohaveafoundationalunderstandingofwhatexactlyismeantby“charisma.”Thiswillhelpyoutoshatteryourmisconceptionsandbeginyourprogressionintoharnessingthepowerofbeingcharismatic.Charismaisdefinedaspossessingcompellingattractivenessorcharmthatcaninspiredevotioninothers.
Therearethreemaincomponentsofcharisma-personality,actions,andwords.Onceyouunderstandthefundamentalsofeachcomponent,wewillthenseehowtheycombineintoacompleteprocess,commonlyknownas“beingcharismatic.”
Personality
Personalitycanbeunderstoodasthe“inner”aspectofcharisma.Thisaspectincludesthethoughtprocesses,beliefs,experiences,andunderstandingsthathaveledtosomeoneattainingacharismaticoutlook.Manyoftheemotionalandpsychologicaldimensionsofcharismaareexplainedandappliedingreaterdepthinthebook’slaterchapters.First,thekeyaspectsofthepersonalityneedtobeexplored.
Pictureapersonsittingaloneinaroom.Iftheyarenotsayingordoinganything,canthatpersonstillbeconsideredcharismatic?Yes;theymaybeconsidered“internallycharismatic”becausetheypossessthenecessarymixtureofinneraspectsthatallowthemtooutwardlyexpresscharismacongruently.
Ifyouarequestioningtheuseorevenrealityofcharismaexistingasan“innerdimension,”letitbeexplainedfurther.Haveyouevercomeacrosssomeoneyoucoulddescribeascharming,butnotcharismatic?Thinkofawaitergreetingyou
coulddescribeascharming,butnotcharismatic?Thinkofawaitergreetingyouorapoliticiantryingtowinyourvote;heorshewilllikelydeployalotofcharm,butthisisunlikelytoresultinyoufeelingdeeplymovedbywhotheyare.Thisisthekeytounderstandingwhyinternalcharismamatters.Withonlytheoutersignsofcharisma,oneissimplywearingthemaskofacharismaticbeing,whileinternally,thatbeingisanythingbutcharismatic.Peoplearesurprisinglyadeptatnoticingthisincongruenceandarerepelledbyit.
Initssimplestform,innercharismacanbeunderstoodasasetofbeliefs,attitudes,andunderstandingsthatarereinforcedandbackedupbyreferenceexperiences.Whatdoesthismeaninreality?
Youmightgenuinely“believe”thatbeingpositiveandwarmtopeoplecanresultinbeingabletoinfluencethem.Youmayhavereaditorwitnesseditsecondhand.However,untilyouapplythisideatoyourownlifeandactuallyfeelthedifferenceitmakes,youwon’thaveinternalizedit.Everytimeanunderstandingisenforcedbyanoccurrencecanbeunderstoodasareferenceexperience.
Somepeoplemakethemistakeofseeingtheworldinblackandwhiteterms,withpeopleeitherbeingcharismaticorappalling.Thisisamistake;don’tthinkofcharismaassomethingthatcanbeturnedonoroff.Thinkofitasascale—peoplecanbemoreorlesscharismatic.Thisappliestocharismaasawhole,butalsotoinnercharismaasanaspect.Overtime,youcanbecome“more”or“less”internallycharismatic.Thisinvolvesprogressinggradually,overtime,inthemainareasofinternalcharisma.
Actions
Wehavelookedatanoversightofcharisma’sinternaldimension.Thishasshowedthatcharismaissomethingthatcan,andmust,existwithinaperson,aswellasoutwardlythroughtheirexpression.Wewillnowbrieflyexplorethe
wellasoutwardlythroughtheirexpression.Wewillnowbrieflyexplorethemainaspectsofthe“outerdimension”ofcharisma,knownas“actions.”
Outwardcharismaisnotasingularconcept.Rather,itconsistsofvariousdifferentexternalcharismaticmanifestationsworkinginharmonytoleaveacharismaticimpression.Theseincludeaperson’sbodylanguage(onamacroandmicroscale),thewordsyouspeak,thewayinwhichthewordsarespoken,thewayapersonbehaves,andalsoaperson’sbackgroundandtrackrecord.
Bodylanguagehasanentirechapterinthisbookduetoitsimportance.Someofthefacetsofbodylanguagethatcharismaticpeopleexhibitthemostincludetheirposture,mannerofsitting,mannerofstanding,gestures,eyecontact,facialexpressions,andchoiceofclothing.
Behaviorisavastlyimportantpartoftheouterdimensionofcharisma.Thisincludesaperson’sbehaviortowardshimorherself,hisorherpeers,thoseheorsheleads,andhisorherbehaviortowardsnon-interpersonalaspectsoflifesuchastheirorganization,efficiency,andtimemanagement.Aperson’strackrecord,aswellastheirpresentdaybehavior,isalsoimportantwithregardstotheircharisma,butlesssothanwhatapersondisplaysinthepresentmoment.
Asstated,itispossibletodisplaytheoutersignsofcharismawithouthavingtheinternalaspectstosupportthem.Suchpeopleareovertlycharmingwithoutbeingconvincinglycharismatic.Itisalsoverydifficulttosustaincharismaticouterbehaviorwithoutthesupportiveinternaldimensions.Longterm,sustainedcharismaticactionisthereforeusuallyindicativeofacharismaticinternaldimension.
Words
Aperson’suseofthespokenandwrittenwordisalsoakeycontributortotheoveralllevelofcharismaheorsheexudes.Ifyoustopandthinkofanycharismaticfigurethroughouthistory,famousorotherwise,youaresureto
charismaticfigurethroughouthistory,famousorotherwise,youaresuretorecognizehimorherbywithwordsconnectedtohim.Charismaticspeechhasaninnerandouterdimension,whichisexplainedfullylater.Italsohasanintellectualandemotionalsynchronicitywhichareequallyimportantforspeechtobeconsideredcharismatic.
Tobrieflyintroducetheideasofinternalandexternalcharismaticwords,andtheirintellectualandemotionaldimension,let’sconsideranexamplefromhistory—Dr.MartinLutherKingJunior’sfamous,“IHaveaDream”speech.
“WehavealsocometothishallowedspottoremindAmericaofthefierceurgencyofnow.Thisisnotimetoengageintheluxuryofcoolingoffortotakethetranquilizingdrugofgradualism.”
Thissmall,lesser-knownextractfrom“IHaveaDream”illustratesboththeinner,outer,intellectual,andemotionaldimensionsofcharismaticwordusage.AfulleranalysisofMartinLutherKingisfoundlaterinthisbook,asisamoredetailedexplanationofthedifferentdimensionsofcharismaticwordusage.
WhenDr.Kingsays,“thefierceurgencyofnow,”itisdrawingupontheemotionalpowerofcharismaticwordusage.“Fierce”isapoignanttermintendedtoarousearesponseinitsaudience.
King’sphrase,“thetranquilizingdrugofgradualism,”isanexampleofcombiningtheemotionalandintellectualappealofcharismaticwordssimultaneously.Theideaofa“tranquilizingdrug”impactsuponaperson’semotionswhereastheterm“gradualism”speaksprimarilytotheintellect.Bychoosingthesewords,inthiscombination,Kingisappealingtoboththeheartsandmindsofpeopleatonce.Thisisbeyondmorecharismaticthanappealingtoonlyoneortheother.
Sowhatoftheinnerandouterdimensionsofwords?Let’sbeginwiththeinner.
WhenKingspeaksofhis“fourlittlechildren”thesearenotmerewords.Theseareveryreal,preciousaspectsofKing’slife.Hehasanemotionalattachmenttothewordshespeaks-theycomefromwithinhisheartandmindaswellasthepageinfrontofhim.Thisiswhatismeantbytheinnerdimensionofcharismaticspeech:theabilitytoattachgenuineemotionalmeaningtochosenwords.
Bycontrast,theouterdimensionofwordsaretheactualwayinwhichthewordsaredelivered.ThinkaboutKing’sspeechor,evenbetter,goonlineandwatchit.Listentothewayinwhichhedelivershiswords.Doeshesoundconfident?Yes.Hopeful?Yes.Wise?Certainly.NoticehowKingpausestolethiswordsresonatewithhisaudience.Heevenelicitsresponsesinawaythatisparticularlyengagingtohischosenaudience,aconcepttobeexpandeduponlater.
Thisbrief,illustratedexampleintothepowerofcharismaticwordshasshownthatlanguageisatitsmostcharismaticwhenithasallfourdimensionsatonce–intellectual,emotional,inner,andouter.Thisistheformulaforspeakingascharismaticallyasthegreatestoratorsofalltime.
Process
Weexploredhowcharismaconsistsofpersonality,actions,andwords.Ifyounotice,eachoftheseisonlyanaspect,onepieceofalargerpuzzle.Whenpeoplespeakof“beingcharismatic,”whattheyareactuallytalkingaboutisaprocesswithanendresult.
Truecharisma,orbeingcharismatic,occurswhenapersonisabletoauthenticallyaligntheircharismaticpersonality,actions,andwords.Truecharismaoccursonlywhenallaspectsarepresent.Let’sexploreanexampletounderstandthisindepth.
Pictureapersonwhoisinternallycharismatic,butisnotabletoexpresstheseinneraspectsinanyway.Suchapersonhascharismaticpotential;however,
inneraspectsinanyway.Suchapersonhascharismaticpotential;however,withouthavingawaytodisplayhisorheractionsandwords,theycannotbeconsideredfullycharismatic.
Someonewhoisabletooffercharismaticactionswithoutwordsisunlikelytoevertrulybecharismaticeither.Anyonewhohaseverdatedsomeonewhoisexternallyattractive,butunabletoholdaconversationwillrelatetothisidea.Thewayinwhichapersonlooksandmovesmaysuggesttheyarecharismatic,butwithoutthepowerofwordstofinalizethisperception,theircharismaisultimatelylacking.
Considersomeonewhoisabletooffercharismaticspeech,butwithoutaninnerrealityoractiontocomplimentit.Suchapersonmightbeseenasaconman,charlatan,orsweet-talker.Theyknowhowtotalkthetalk,butnotwalkthewalk.Someonewhoisabletospeakcharmingly,butdoesnotliveacharismaticlife,islikelytoalsolacktheinternalelementsofcharisma.
Now,incontrast,let’sconsidersomeonewhopossessesallofthecharismaticaspects.Ifheorshehasthecorrectbeliefsandmindset,itisalmostinevitabletotranslateintocharismaticaction.Forexample,ifsomeonetrulybelievesinhelpingpeopleandmakingadifferenceintheworld,itisalmostinevitabletheywillactinthisway.Considertheinternalelementofcharismaasaseed.Italmostalwaysmanifestsinanouterrepresentationofitspotential.
Asapersonwhopossessesinnercharismaisalmostboundtotakecharismaticaction,thisreinforceshisorherinternalcharisma.Thetwoareaself-perpetuatingcycleofcharismaticcontinuation.
Ofallthethreeaspectsofcharisma,speechisperhapstheleastnatural.Eventhebestspeakerswillhavebeenheavilyinfluencedwithregardstotheirspeech.Thiscanoccurorganically,suchasthroughearlyexposuretoimpactfulspeakers,orconsciously,suchaswhenapersonmakesadeliberateeffortto
learntousecharismaeffectively.
TheCharismaticEquation
Younowhaveafoundationalunderstandingofcharisma.Ifanyoftheconceptsseemunconvincing,readon.Asyoudelvedeeperintothisbook,youwilllearnaboutallofthemingreatercomplexitythroughexamplesandcasestudies.
Tosummarizethemainideaofthischapter,pleaseconsiderthefollowingCharismaticEquation.
ACharismaticPersonality+CharismaticActions+CharismaticWords=theCharismaticProcessorBeingCharismatic
Chapter3:TheInternalFoundationsOfCharisma
Rememberhowthepreviouschapterdiscussedthepersonalityaspectofcharisma?
ItisthefirstaspectofourCharismaticEquation.Thepreviouschapteronlyintendedtointroducetheinternaldimensionofcharismaandexplainhow,withoutthisdimension,apersoncouldbecharming,butnottrulycharismatic.Wewillnowgodeeperintothespecificfacetsofcharisma’sinternaldimension,explaining,illustrating,andapplyingeachfeature.Eachapplicationwilldiscussthespecificreferenceexperiencesthatmaybesoughtinordertoreinforcetheparticularinternalaspect.
Theseinternalelementsarereferredtoasfoundations.Withoutthesefoundations,itisimpossibletobuildtruecharisma.Thefoundations,alone,donotconstitutecharisma-onlycharismaticpotential.
Someoftheparticularlyimportantinternalaspectsofcharismahavetheirownchapters.Ifthatisthecase,theconceptwillbetoucheduponinthischapterandelaboratedonlaterinthebook.Everyaspectofinternalcharismaisincludedhereinsomeforminordertoprovideafullpictureofthecharismaticfoundation,withoutwhichtruecharismaisimpossible.
TheImportanceofPersonalPower
Whatexactlyispersonalpower?Thisistheunshakeablefeelingofbeingapersonofinfluence,worth,andinherentvalue.Personalpowerisnotdependentuponthecircumstancesoflifeatanygiventime.Othernamesforthisfoundationofcharismaincludeself-belief,resilience,andstoicism.
Trulycharismaticpeople,particularlyleaders,areabsolutelyreliantupontheir
Trulycharismaticpeople,particularlyleaders,areabsolutelyreliantupontheirunshakeablesenseofpowerandvalue.Why?Ifsomeone’slevelofself-beliefandunderstandingoftheirabilitytoinfluenceasituationisdependentuponexternalcircumstances,itischangeableandnotreliable.
Toillustratethisidea,let’sdrawuponthelegendaryBritishPrimeMinister,WinstonChurchill.
Duringoneofthemostextremeandbrutalwarstheplanethaseverwitnessed,ChurchillwastaskedwithleadingtheBritishresistancetoAdolfHitlerandtheNazis.Churchillalreadyhadatrackrecordofleadershippriortothewar.Butthewarwasthetimewhenhispersonalpowertrulyexcelled.
Churchillfamouslystatedthathewould“ratherseeLondoninruinsthanavictoriousfoe.”
Ofallthecrisissituationsthatleadersface,itishardtoimaginemanybiggerthandefendinganationagainstAdolfHitler.Almostanyonewouldcrackorbackdownunderthisimmensepressure.Indeed,manygreatcountriesatthetimedid.Churchill,however,remainedresolvedandunshakeableinhispursuitofleadership.
AfullcharismaticcasestudyofWinstonChurchillisprovidedlaterinthisbook.Fornow,let’sexplorehisexamplethroughthelensofpersonalpower.
Churchill’spersonalpoweristhekeyreasonhewassuchacharismaticleader,reveredgenerationslaterbypeoplefromacrosstheworld.ImaginehowChurchill’slackofpersonalpowermighthavehurthiminsomealternativereality.Mostlikely,itwouldhavepreventedhimfromleadingtheUnitedKingdominthefirstplace.However,manyleaderswithoutpersonalpowerenduprunningcountries.
Suchleaders,however,wouldnothavestooduptoAdolfHitler.Theywouldnot
Suchleaders,however,wouldnothavestooduptoAdolfHitler.Theywouldnothavefoughthimandeveniftheydidtakesuchacourseofaction,theywouldnothavepursueditwiththeintensityofChurchill.
Churchillensuredhischarismawouldoutlivethewarregardlessofwhowon.Statingthathewouldratherseeacountryinruinsthantobackdownfromanevilfoeisperhapstheepitomeofpersonalpower.Itshowsanabsoluteconvictionthatcannotbeshakenoralterednomatterwhatthecircumstance.
Therefore,ispersonalpowerimportantforpeopleoutsideofwartimeleadership?Ofcourse!Ultimately,Churchill’sresponseduringthewarwasperhapsbestdescribedasthedecisive“crisisresponse.”Peoplewillfacecrisesofmanydiversetypesduringtheirlifetime.Personalpowerwillhelpsustaincharismathroughouteachandeverycrisis.
Onecommoncrisispeoplefaceisintheirprofessionallife.ThiscancomeinmanyformsandisequallyapplicabletoanhourlymanualworkerasitistotheCEOofaFortune500company.Anysignificant,prolonged,ornegativechangeimpactingaperson’sprofessionallifemaybeconsideredaprofessionalcrisis.Personalpowerhelpswitheachandeveryprofessionalcrisis.
Oneofthemostcommonprofessionalcrisesfacedisbeingfired,laidoff,ormaderedundant.Howeveritoccurs,asuddenchangeinemploymentsecurityisincrediblychallengingtoaperson’slifeandroutine.Ifthepersonhappenedtobereliantuponhisorhersituation,ratherthanhimorherself,fortheirfeelingofpowerandinfluence,thenaprofessionalcrisissuchasthiswouldrepresentasignificantlossofpowerforthepersonaffected.Suchaperson,lackingpersonalpowerandcharisma,maystruggletoreboundfromthecrisissituation.Therearemanyexamplesofthosewhomhavebeenabsolutelycrushedinmind,body,andspiritbyunemploymentatonetimeortheother.
Ifonewereinpossessionofstrongpersonalpower,heorshewouldbeableto
navigatehisorhertimeofcrisiswithgreatereaseandlessdisruption,feelingasifthesituationwastheprobleminsteadofhisorhercoreself.Asanemployer,wouldyouofferajobtothepersonwhoseemedresilientandstrong,orthepersonwhoseemedbrokenandweak?It’sanuncomplicatedillustrationofthepracticalbenefitsofpersonalpower.
Romanticrelationshipsandmarriagesareanotherareainwhichaperson’spowerdirectlyinfluenceshisorhersatisfaction.Haveyouevermetsomeonewhochangesdrasticallydependingonthepersontheyaredatingatthetime?Thiscanbeinsuperficialways,suchasthemusicheorshelistenstoandtheclothesheorshewears,ordeeperwayssuchasthereligionheorshepractices,theviewsheorsheespouses,andthecompanyheorshekeeps.
Let’scontrastthishighlychangeablepersonwithonewhohasstrongpersonalpower,nomatterwhatthestatusoftherelationship.Thispersonhasastrongunderstandingofwhoheorsheisandwhatheorsheisabout,bothofwhicharecoreaspectsofpersonalpower.Thismeansthatthepersonwithstrong,personalpowerfeelsnoble,powerful,andresilientinandoutofarelationship.
Whensuchaperson,facesarelationshipcrisis,heorshecopes.Ifsomeoneheorsheiswithchoosestoleave,heorshecanbouncebackquicklyandfully.Thepersonisnotarobotwhomdoesnotfeelsadness;instead,suchholdersofcharismaticpersonalpowerareabletodealwithemotionsappropriatelyandmoveon.Heorshehascontroloverhisorheremotionsratherthanviceversa.Thisisonlypossiblewithpersonalpower.
GainingPersonalPower
Nowthatwehaveexploredtheimportanceofpersonalpowertheoreticallyandunderstooditthroughappliedexamples,howdoyoucultivateitforyourself?
Thefirststepinincreasingyourlevelsofpersonalpowerarehavingafull,
Thefirststepinincreasingyourlevelsofpersonalpowerarehavingafull,emotional,aswellasintellectual,understandingofitsimportance.Theprecedingsectionmayfulfillyourunderstandingofpersonalpowerintellectually,butonlyyoucandosoemotionally.
Agreatbeginningtothisprocessistothinkbackoveryourlifeandtryandrecalltwoseparatesituations—onewhereyoushowedpersonalpower,anotherwhereyoudidnot.Reallytakethetimetofindsomeexamplesofhowpersonalpowerservedyouoryourlackofitharmedyou.Thiscanrangefromhugeeventssuchasadivorce,ajobloss,orabereavement,torelativelysmallones,suchasexercisingorsavingmoney.
Onlybyfindingrealexamplesfromyourownlifecanyoumakethepersonalaspectof“personalpower”real!Thenitwillnotjustbeintellectuallyfulfilling,butwillstarttobeemotionallyfulfillingforyouaswell.
Afterattainingabalancedintellectualandemotionalappreciationofpersonalpower,youmustproactivelyreinforceitsvalueinyourlifethroughthegatheringandunderstandingofreferenceexperiences.
Sowhatkindofreferenceexperiencescanhelpwithyourcultivationofpersonalpower?
Anytimesomethinggoeswronginyourlife,suchasasetbackprofessionally,arelationshipturnedsour,orafinancialmishap,trytoapplyandunderstandtheconceptofpersonalpowerinthatsituation.Utilizesomeofthesephrasestohelpyougainpersonalpower:Iamnotmysituation,Iamstrongerthanmycircumstance,Iamnotaprisonerofmysurroundings.Tryingtoreallyinternalize,experience,andagreewiththesestatesofmindisabsolutelyvitaltoachievingsufficientpersonalpower.
Onceyoureallyunderstandthisconcept,yourentirelifewillbecomeawin/winscenariorelatedtopersonalpower.Ifyouapplypersonalpowerandithelpsyou,
scenariorelatedtopersonalpower.Ifyouapplypersonalpowerandithelpsyou,great,youhavereinforceditsvalue.Ifsomethingbadhappensandyoudonotexhibitpersonalpower,thenyoucanusethesituationasameansoflearningandimprovingforthefuture.
TheImportanceofPresence
Presenceisanabsolutelyfundamentalconceptrelatedtocharisma.Whatismeantbypresence?Presenceistheabilitytofocus,tobeperceptive,andtoliveinthecurrentmomentratherthaninthepastorthefuture.Unfortunately,thisisoneofthemorewidelyneglectedcharismaticfoundations.
Howdoespresenceservecharisma?Picturemeetingtwoseparatepeople-onewithpresence,onelackingit.Asyouinteractwiththepersonwithoutpresence,theyseemdistracted;hisorherbodylanguageisdistractedandoff-putting.Thepersonisunabletomakeanytypeofeyecontactbeyondtheabsoluteminimumandseemsalittlebit“spacedout”ornotentirely“withit.”Suchapersonislikelytoelicitaresponseofannoyance,dislike,orevenpity.Thisisanexampleofsomeonelackingpresence.
Imagineinteractingwithsomeonewithastronglevelofpresence.Thispersonislikelytomakerobust,butnotintimidating,levelsofeyecontactwithyou.Heorsheseemsfully“inthemoment”andintouchwithwhatisbeingsaidand,moreimportantly,feltatthetime.Hisorherbodylanguageisappealingandopen-perhapsdeliberatelytomakeyoufeelespeciallyateaseandcomfortable.Thispersonelicitsfeelingsoffondness,trust,andvalue.
Thinkaboutanyperson,throughoutyourlife,whowaswidelylikedforhowheorshemadepeoplefeel.Thisislikelytobeapersonwhowasabletoapplypresenceanduseittofurtherhisorherowncharisma.Itisverydifficulttocommunicateeffectivelywithpeopleifyouareunabletoexhibitpresencewheninteractingwiththem.
interactingwiththem.
Presencealsostronglyunderpinstheactionsaspectofcharisma.How?Ifyouhavestronglevelsofpresenceandtheabilitytoapplyit,youwillbebetterabletofocusonthetasksinfrontofyouandtheparticularadvantagesofanygivenmomentintime.Peoplewholackpresence,however,areoftenmiserablebecauseoftheirpastormentallylivingoutimaginedfutureworriesbeforetheyactuallyhappen.Doyouknowanyonelikethis?Haveyoueverbeenthatpersonyourself?
Presenceallowsyoutobecomefullyawareof,andreceptiveto,themomentyouareinatthetime.Thisunburdensyoufromyourpast-youarenotlivinginthepastanymore,soyoucanenjoythefreedomofthepresent!Italsohaltsyourfutureworryingandinsteadallowsyoutoplanforit.Toplaneffectively,youmustbefullyfocusedandpresent.Thisisyetanotherexampleoftheliberatingimpactofpresence.
TheDalaiLamaisprobablythemostwellknownBuddhistfigureintheworld.Healsohasincrediblepresence.Many,manypeoplewhohavepersonallymethimtelltalesofhowabsolutelyandfullyinterestedheappearedatthetime.LeadingpsychologicalexpertshavemarveledattheabilityoftheDalaiLamatoappreciateboththelargerandmoreintricatedetailsofanygivenmomentintime.
Countlesstimes,whenwalkingthroughcrowdsatevents,theDalaiLamahasspottedsomeonehefeelsmaybeinpainorturmoil.Thisinitselfrequiresextraordinarylevelsoffocusandawarenessofthecurrentmoment—imaginebeingabletoaccuratelyassessemotionalnuancesamongstaseaofpeople!Notonlydoesheidentifypeopleinpain,theDalaiLamazonesinonthemandgivesthemthefullpowerofhispresence.Manypeopleareabsolutelyovercomewhenthishappensandbreakdownintearsofhappiness.
Presenceisn’tjustforBuddhistleaders,however.Presencecanmakeamassiveimpactonyourprofessionallife,nomatterwhichfieldyoupursue.Imaginebeingfullypresentinajobinterview.Itenablesyoutobecompletelyintouchwiththeinterviewersandtheirinquiries.Youarenotdistractedorcaptivetofearsandworries.Instead,yourattentionisonthepeopleyouneedtoimpress,aninvaluableobjectivetopossess.
Presencealsoservesinterpersonalaspectsofworkinmanyways.Ifyoudeveloppresence,yourcolleaguesarelikelytofeelasifyouvalueandrespectthem.Clientsyoumeetwithwillbeimpressedbyyourabilitytorespondattentivelyandcomprehensivelytowhattheyaresayinginanygivensituation.
Thepowerofpresenceinpracticaltasks,relatedtodifferentprofessionalfields,isanotherkeyadvantage.Thisisrelevantforliterallyanyjobonthespectrumofemployment—fromafoodservicejobtoabrainsurgeon.Customerservice,foodservice,retailarealljobsthatmanypeoplework,butoftenstruggletomakethebestof.Theyarestressful,demanding,andoftenrepetitive.
Beingpresenttotheworkathandabsolutelyhelpstheemployeeimmensely.Byfocusingonthetaskathand,theemployeeismorelikelytoentera“flow”state.Thiscausestheperceptionoftimepassingslowlytovanishentirely.Thinkofatimewhenyouweretotallyengagedwithyourwork.Didthetimeflyby?
Detailed,skilledjobsarealsoimportantoutletsforthepowerofpresence.Surgeons,policeofficers,andmilitaryoperativesallarerequiredtohaveincrediblelevelsofpresenceinordertocarryouttheirtaskseffectively.Thesepositionsareexamplesofhowfocus,orpresence,canbethedifferencebetweenlifeanddeath.
GainingPresence
Therearemanydifferentaspectstobecomingpresent.Peopleareuniqueandrespondtodifferentthings.Foryoutogainthemaximumpossiblebenefitfrompresence,itissuggestedyoutryseveralofthesemethodsoutandseewhichseemstohelpyouthemost.Whatworksforothersmaynotworkforyou;gettingtoknowyourself,andwhatyourespondto,isakeyelementofthisprocess.
Aphysicalwayofgainingpresenceistohandlethelifestylechoicesthateitheraidorinhibityourlevelsoffocus.Again,thisvariesforindividuals,buttherearesomewidelyapplicableprinciplesinwhichtowork.Nutritionhasbeenabsolutelyproven,beyondanydoubt,tohelpwithpresence.Alotofpeoplefeelthateating“clean”foods,whichdonottriggerspikesandcrashesinbloodsugar,isoneofthebestwaystoallownutritiontosupportpresence.Otherpeopleactuallyfindthatindulging,moderately,intheirfavoritefoodsanddrinkshelpthemtobecomepresent.Tryoutdifferentideasandestablishwhathelpsyoufeelthemostfocused.
Yourchoiceofdrinksisanotherpracticalaspectofpresence.Stayinghydratedisalmostuniversallyapplicableasaidingpresenceinpeople.Thespecificsofhowtodothisvaryfrompersontoperson.Exactcalculatorsexistthatdeterminetheamountofwaterapersonofagivensizeandweightshoulddrinkperday.Anotheroptionissimplytoself-experimentandobservewhatworksforyou.Itisalmostimpossibletopinpointtherelationshipbetweenhydrationandyourpersonalpresence,butveryeasytounderstandapproximatelyhowdifferentlevelsofhydrationinfluenceyourpresence.
Choosingtherightamountofcaffeineisanotheraspectofpresencethatmanypeopleneedtofigureout.Somepeoplefindtheyareattheirmostpresentafterfullydetoxingfromcaffeineandswitchingtootherbeveragetypes.Thisisnotarequirementtobecomingpresenthowever!It’sanideaworthknowingaboutand
possiblyexploringatsomepoint,however.Ifyoudon’twanttoquitcaffeine,findouttheoptimumlevel,theamountthathelpsyouto“zonein”onyourtaskwithoutbecomingjittery,nervous,ordistracted,foryourownneeds.Again,thisisaprocessoftrialanderroraswellasunderstandingyourownbody’sresponses.
Nowthatwe’veexploredhowfoodanddrinkrelatetopresence,let’sthinkaboutsleep.Theabsolutefirstmistaketoavoidhereisblindlysubscribingtoanideathattherightamountofsleepforallpeopleexists.Thisisabsolutelywrong.Dopeoplehavedifferentappetites?Differentphysicalcapabilities?Ofcourse!Hence,whyshouldtheyallneedthesameamountofsleep?
Understandthatthelengthofsleepisonlyonefactorinthepresencedevelopmentprocess.Thequalityofsleepmattersimmenselyaswell.Haveyoueversleptforashortperiodoftimeandfeltveryrestedandenergeticuponwaking,yetsleptforalongperiodoftimeandperhapsfeltsluggishandevensleepythenextday?Thisisclearproofthatmoresleepdoesnotequalmorerest.Itisnotthatsimple.
Improvingyoursleepiseasierinthemodernerathaniteverhasbeen.AlmosteveryonehasaSmartphone.Ifyoudo,thenyoucandownloadasleeptrackerapp.Thisusesyourphonetomonitoryoursleep.Youwillwakeuptoagraphdetailinghowmuchdeepsleepyougot,yoursleepcycle,andotherusefulpiecesofinformation.Theseappsarealsoabletotimeyourwakeninginanoptimumway.Thepointinyoursleepcycleatwhichyouwakeupisakeyfactorimpactingyourlevelsofalertness.Thisextraadvantagecangreatlyhelpwithpresence.
Consideringthelimitsofthe“traditional”sleepcycleisanotherwayoffurtheringyourpresencethroughsleepmodification.
Alotofpeoplefindthatsleepinginanunconventionalwayhelpsthemto
Alotofpeoplefindthatsleepinginanunconventionalwayhelpsthemtobecomemorefocused,andpresent,onlesssleep.
Anexamplewouldbehavingamainsleepperiodatnight,whichhappenstobeshorterthanthewidelypreachedmantraof“eighthours”foreveryone.Thesleeperthentopsthisupwithapowernaplaterintheday.Theseunconventionalsleeppatternsaretriedandtestedformanypeople.Lookintothemyourselfifyoufeelyourcurrentapproachtosleepisreducingthepresenceyoufeelinyourlife.
Nowthatthephysiologicalaspectsofpresencehavebeenexplored,let’scheckoutsomebehavioralwaysofbecomingpresent.
Meditationisanexcellenttoolthatcanhelpyoubecomepresent.Ifthewordmeditationgoesagainstyourliking,thinkofitinsteadasa“focusprocess.”Therearemany,manyvariationsofmeditation,sothereisalmostdefinitelyonesuitableforyououtthere.ItisnotallBuddhistorreligious,ifyouareworriedaboutthat.If,however,youfindspiritualmeditationappealing,thereareplentyofwaystoexplorethataswell.
Oneofthesimplestandbestformsofmeditationisfocusingonbreathing.Breathingissomethingthat,exceptinamedicalemergency,occurswithorwithoutourfocus.Unlikemanyotherinvoluntaryaspectsoflife,suchasourheartbeat,breathingcanalsobecontrolled.Ifyouwanttotakeadeepbreath,youcan.Ifyouwanttobreathequickly,that’sinyourpoweraswell.Sohowcanbreathingbeusedtohelpyoudevelopthecharismaticpowerofpresence?
Thetechniqueforusingbreathingasanimproveroffocusis,initially,tosimplybecomeawareofyourbreathing.Shiftyourattentiontoit.Reallyfeeleverystepofit-yourlungsfillingwithair,theprocessofexhaling,thesensationofyourbreathleavingandreenteringyourbody.Atwhatpointdoesaninhalationbecomeanexhalation?Simplyfocusonthis,asfullyasyoucan,forasetperiod
becomeanexhalation?Simplyfocusonthis,asfullyasyoucan,forasetperiodoftime.Startslowly,evenaimingforaslittleasaminuteaday.Asthisbecomeseasier,increasethetimegradually.Thisallowsyoutobuildyourpresenceasyouwouldamuscle—steadilyandsustainably.
Meditationdoesnothavetofocusonbreathingalone,however.Manypeoplefindguidedmeditationagreatoptiontohelpimprovetheirfocus.OneofthebestandmostaccessibleformsofguidedmeditationistodownloadanapporuseavideofoundontheInternet.Mostguidedmeditationsinvolvefollowingaseriesofrecorded,verbalinstructions.Theseinstructionswillusuallyfocusonteachingyoutobecomeself-aware,relaxed,andpresenttothemoment.
Physicalformsofmeditationarealsopossible.Forexample,goforawalkwillallowyoutofocusintenselyononephysicalsensation,suchasthegroundunderyourfeetortheairagainstyourface.Everytimeyoufindyourselfthinking,refocusonthephysicalsensation.Bydoingthis,youlearntobecomefocusedonthepresentmoment.Manypeoplepreferthistypeofmediation,orfocustraining,totraditionaltypes,particularlyiftheyareactiveandrestlessbynature.
TheImportanceofCompassion
Compassionisprobablythemostpolarizingoftheinternalaspectsofcharisma.Peoplehearingthatcompassionrelatestocharismaforthefirsttimeareeitherattractedorrepelled,rarelyreachingmiddleground.Ifyouareputoffbytheideaofcompassion,lookingatitinadifferentwaymighthelpyoutounderstandwhyitisanimportantelementofcharisma.
Onewayofseeingcompassionisinthetraditionalsense,viewingcompassionasaheartfelt,sincerecareforothers.Theotherwayofviewingcompassionisunderstandingwhatpeopleneed.Ifyouareputoffbythetraditionalviewofcompassion,thenseeingitinamorestrategic,Machiavellianlightmightemphasizeitsimportancetoyou.
Eitherway,compassionessentiallyboilsdowntothesametakeawaylesson—itisimportantforcharisma,ascompassionaidsinfluence.Whetheryoudothisfromaheartfeltoracalculatingperspectiveisentirelyyourchoice.Findingaformofcompassionthatworksforyouisanessentialaspectofbuildingyourcharismaticfoundation.
Whyisheartfeltcompassionusefulincharismaticterms?Ifyouwanttoleadpeople,itisaloteasiertodoiftheybelieveyouarelookingoutfortheirbestinterests.Akeypartofleadershipisconvincingpeopletofollowyouonajourney.Peoplearemuchmorelikelytodothisiftheyfeelthepersonsteeringtheshipcaresaboutthem.
Heartfeltcompassionisalsoimportantininterpersonalrelationships,eitherromanticorplatonic.Imagineactingcompassionatelytowardssomeone—itislikelytobeabreathoffreshair.Manypeopletodayviewaconversationas“waitingtoshowhowIamright.”Ifyoustepbackandaimtounderstandandcareforthepersonyouareinteractingwith,heorsheislikelytorespondpositivelytoyou.
Strategiccompassioncanalsobeusedintheworldofbusiness.Withoutasenseofstrategiccompassion,itisdifficulttoseekandachieveagenuinewin/winoutcome.Inordertothinkintermsofwin/win,itisvitaltohaveaclearunderstandingoftheotherparty’sneeds.Strategiccompassionis,therefore,anabsolutelyvitalbusinessskilltopossess.
GainingCompassion
Compassionisabroadtermandoneopentointerpretation.Tomakeitusefulforyourownpurposes,thefirststepistofigureoutthetypeofcompassionthatwillmakeyoumostcharismatic.Inordertoincreaseyourlevelsofheartfeltcompassion,youmaywanttobeginbylookingatyourbeliefs.Seeingeveryone
compassion,youmaywanttobeginbylookingatyourbeliefs.Seeingeveryoneasafellowhumanbeingisagoodplacetostart.Removingtheautomaticmodeofjudgingpeopleisanother.Justacceptingpeopleaspeople,ontheirownjourney,canlaythegroundworkforgenuineheartfeltcompassiontoemerge.
Ifyouarepushedbackbytheideaofbeingheartfelt,thinkofcompassionasyoulearninghowtoinfluenceanexploitablehumanresource.ThinkabouttheclassicmovieTheGodfather;byknowingsomeone’sneedsanddoingthemafavor,youownthem.Youwillbeabletogetthemtodoalotmoreforyou,furtherdowntheline,whenyouneedthemto.
TheImportanceofAcceptance
Thisisoneofthemostfundamentalaspectsoffulfillingthecompletecharismaticequation.Afailureto“accept”isamassiveroadblockthatwilldestroyyourjourneytowardsbeingcharismaticcompletely.Whatdoesthismean?
Charismaticleaders“accept”things,butonlyinanarrowsenseoftheword.Perhapswhenyouhearaccept,youhearsurrender,meekness,orpassivity.Thisisnotthecharismaticversionofacceptance.
Acceptingthingsinacharismaticwaymeansseeingthemastheyreallyareatthetime.Thismeansbeingcompletelyhonest,straightup,andnothingbutrealaboutwhatrealityisandwhatitmeans.
Wewillexaminethescenarioofacceptanceversusnon-acceptanceusingthescenarioofacompanyindecline.Acharismaticleaderutilizingthepowerofacceptancewouldbeabletoseethestateofbusinessasittrulywasratherthanhowheorshewisheditcouldbe.Notonlywouldhisorhercommitmenttothetruthpositionthepersoninawaywhichofferedthebestchanceofrecovery,buthisorheroverallcharismawouldassistthestaffonboardwiththeturnaround.
Aleaderwithouttheabilitytoacceptthingsfullywouldinsteadputsomeformofcognitivedistortionontothesituation.Heorshemayseethingsasbetterthantheyreallyareifthepersonbelievesinoptimismorasunrealisticallybad,ifheorshebelievesinexcessiveconservatism.
Toillustratethisideadifferently,let’staketheexampleofasickperson.Manysickpeopleareafraidtolearnabouttheirsymptomsandwouldrather“carryonbravely.”Often,thisendsupinpreventablehealthconditionsgrowing,spreading,anddestroyingtheirlifeinthelongrun.Ifthepersonwereabletofaceuptothingsintheearlystagesandacceptthem,heorshewouldhaveabetterchanceofrecovery.
GainingAcceptance
Thefirststeptobecomingacharismaticleader,whoisabletoacceptthingsastheyreallyare,istounderstandtheimportanceofdoingso.Findanillustrativeexamplethatresonatesforyou.Perhapsitisacceptanceasamedicallifesaverorasthekeytosavingacompanyfromfailure.Findwhicheverexampleworksforyouandfocusonitintently.
Afterunderstandingtheconceptonapersonal,intellectuallevel,trytorelateittosomeexperiencesinyourlife.Isthereatimeyoufaceduptosomethinganditbenefitedyoumorethanhidingawayfromitwouldhave?Perhapsthereisanoppositeexamplefromyourpast.Didyouhideawayfromacceptingthetruthofasituation,onlyforittoturnaroundandhurtyouinthelongrun?
Onceyouhavetheintellectualandpersonalhistoryofacceptance,startactivelypursuinganacceptingapproachinyourlife.Alotofcharismaticleaderskeepjournalstounderstandwhattheyarehandlingandnothandlingandtolearnlong-termlessonsfromtheiractions.
Ifyoubegintoactivelymakeaneffortinrecordingandunderstandingtimeswhereacceptancehasorhasnotoccurredandwhattheconsequenceshavebeen,thenitwillleadtoanongoingcultivationoftheacceptancehabit.Overtime,itwillbeincreasinglyingrainedintoyourpatternsofthoughtandbehavior,tothepointwhereyoudon’thavetoconsciouslyfocusonitanylonger.
TheImportanceofIntelligence
Itisnotpossibleforaleadertobetrulycharismaticwithoutintelligence,inoneformoranother,runningthroughthecoreoftheirbeing.
Whenalotofpeoplehearthis,theyscoff.PeopleassumeintelligencemeanshavingaPHDinastrophysicsorsomeotherintellectualvarietyofastuteness.Whilemanycharismaticleadersdoinfacthappentobeacademicallyexceptional,itisbynomeansaprerequisite.Therearemanyothervalidandpowerfulformsofintelligenceapersonmayhave.
Everydayacumenisaformofnon-academicintelligencethatcanservecharismawell.Let’slookattheexamplesofpeoplewholeaveschoolwithlittletonothingintheformofqualifications.Despitethis,suchpeopleseeanopportunity,makethemostofit,andsucceed.
WhenayoungRichardBransonleftschoolattheageofsixteen,hedidsowithapooracademicrecord.Inspiteofthis,henowhasanetworthofaround$5billion,aprivateisland,andalifefullofadventure,fun,andphilanthropy.
Otherpeoplemaybeastoundinglyandemotionallyintelligent.Thisformofcharismaispotentwhenleadingotherpeople.Ifsomeonecanspeaktoaperson’sheartandsouleloquently,itmattersnotwhattheirconventionalintellectreflects.Emotionalintelligenceissomethingthatservestruecharismaexcellently.
excellently.
Intelligenceissupportiveofmanyoftheothercharismaticfoundations,aswellastheactionsandwordsaspectsoftheCharismaticEquation.Withoutintelligence,itishardtounderstandbodylanguagecorrectly,hardtothinkintermsofstrategicwin/win,andalmostimpossibletobetrulycharismatic.
Adistinctionmustbedrawnbetweeninformationandintelligence.Someonewhosimplyknowsalot,butisunabletoimplementit,isnotintelligentinthecharismaticsenseoftheword.Truecharismaticintelligencecanbesummarizedas“knowingtherightamountofinformationtobeeffectiveinadesiredsituation.”
Let’slookatthisselective,focusedintelligencethroughtheeyesofaCEO.Heorsheislikelytoneedtohaveacertainunderstandingofthekeyconceptsofmanyareasofthebusinessbeingrun,butnotanin-depth,expertunderstandingofeveryarea.Knowingtheusefulaspectsofsomethingisakeytocharismaticintelligence.Collectinginformationforinformation’ssakeisdifferent.
GainingIntelligence
Ifyoubelievethatpeopleareeitherbornintelligentornot,youaremistaken.Whileitistruethatthereisageneticfactorinfluencing,butnotdetermining,conventionalIQintelligence,wehavealreadyestablishedtherearemanyotherformsofintelligencethatareusefulforcharisma.
Evenconventionalintelligencecanbecultivatedandimprovedupon.Keepingthebrainsharpthroughthepursuitofintellectualactivity,exercise,andnutritioncanhelpanysinglepersonmaximizetheirgeneticpotentialwithregardstointelligence.
Emotionalintelligencecanbecultivatedthroughtechniquessuchasthepursuitofactivelistening,acommitmenttoreademotionalcues,anacademic
ofactivelistening,acommitmenttoreademotionalcues,anacademicunderstandingofhowandwhyemotionsaffectpeople,andacommitmenttopracticingandimprovinguponemotionalintelligenceinthecourseofeverydaylife.
Toacquirepracticalintelligence,suchasthebusinessacumenofRichardBranson,thereareafewthingsyoucantry.Itistruethatmanyentrepreneursshowagiftforprofitablebehaviorfromayoungage.Thisisbynomeansthewholestory,however.ColonelSanders,ofKentuckyFriedChickenfame,didnotfranchisethecompanyuntilhewasinhismid-60s!Ifyouareusingageasanexcusefornotpursuingpracticalintelligence,youareonlyholdingbackyourselfandyourcharismaticpotential.
Chapter4:ExternalFoundations:UnderpinningCharisma’sOuterDimension
Inthischapteryouwilllearnabouttheouterdimensionsofcharismathatunderpinallofthespecifictraits,techniques,andtipsyouwilllearnaboutlaterinthebook.Justastheprecedingchaptershowedtheinternalthoughtprocesses,attitudes,andmindsetsthatarethefoundationoftheentirecharismaticequation,thischapterdealswiththe“externalfoundations”thatunderpinbothcharismaticactionsandwords.
Whatexactlydoesthismean?Well,throughoutourexplorationofcharisma,youwillwitnessthe“internalaspect”inalloftheouteraspects.Forexample,acharismaticleaderwillspeakwithcompassion,intelligence,andpresence.Theseareallinnertraitsmanifestedinanexternalway.Youwillseeelementsofeverythinginthischapterthroughoutthebook;however,itisusefultofirstunderstandtheseideasfortheirownsakebeforeyouunderstandhowtheyareapplied.
ComfortintheSpotlight
Oneofthehallmarksofacharismaticleaderiscomfortwhentheyfindthespotlightisonthem.Peopleoftenthinkofanattentionseekeroregotisticalpersonwhentheyhearthisconcept.Therealityisverydifferentthough.Charismaticleadersdonot“need”thespotlighttobeonthem.Theyare,however,comfortablewhenithappenstobe.
Howdoesthiseaseinthespotlightrelatetotheouteraspectsofcharisma?Animportantmanifestationofbeingcomfortableasthefocusofsomeone’s,ormanypeople’sattention,isanabilitytohavecharismaticbodylanguage.Thespecificdetailsofhowtousecharismaticbodylanguagecanbefoundlaterin
thebook.Fornow,theideaofcharismaticbodylanguagewillbeusedtoshowtheimportanceofbeingateaseinthespotlight.
Imaginestandinginfrontofalargeaudience,givingatalk,suchasanaddressatalargecompanyevent,forexample.Whatwouldcharismaticbodylanguagelooklike?Thecharismaticleaderwouldshowanabilitytobeopen,energized,present,andexpressive.Heorsheisabletomoveacrossthestageatease,withoutawkwardnessorself-doubt.Watchatalkdeliveredbyanyofthegreatspeakersofthemodernera,suchasTonyRobbinsorEricThomas,towitnessthepowerofbeingcomfortableinfrontofanaudienceforyou.
Totakeoneexample,thereisaTEDtalkfromTonyRobbinsdeliveredtoanincrediblyinfluentialaudiencethatwouldintimidatemanypeople.NotTonythough!Duringthecourseofthetalk,hewasincrediblyatease.SpottingAlGoreinthecrowd,hecasuallyinteractedwithhiminawarm,open,andattentiveway.TonyRobbinswassoatease,heevenrandowntothecrowdatonepointandhigh-fivedAlGore.Thisisalmosttheepitomeofcomfortinthespotlight.
Let’scontrastthischarismaticexampleofcomfortinthespotlightwithaleader,orspeaker,wholacksthiscomfortinthefaceofattention.Haveyoueverhadateacher,professor,orbosswhojustcannotcaptivatetheattentionofanaudience?Thisisoftenduetodiscomfortatbeingthefocusofattention.Whenapersonisnervous,reserved,andworried,thisisevidentinthewayheorshestands,speaks,andtheamountof“warmth”or“energy”theyareabletoprotect.Aleaderlackingcomfortinthespotlightisunabletoinspireoreveninterestthosetheyspeakto.Theircharismaisalmostclosetonon-existent.
Comfortinthespotlightisnotonlyanimportantexternalfoundationfordeliveringspeechesandtalks.Itisalsoabsolutelyakeyfactorforpressuredinterpersonalsituations.Jobinterviews,particularlypanelinterviews,areentirelymadeeasierwhenthepersonbeinginterviewedpossessescomfortinthe
entirelymadeeasierwhenthepersonbeinginterviewedpossessescomfortinthespotlight.Theinternalcharismaticdimensionofpresencesupportsthisexternalfoundationheavily.Ifsomeoneisabletobepresentinthemoment,theyarelikelytofocusentirelyonrespondingtointerviewquestionswithwarmth,attention,andexpressiveness.Contrastthiswithsomeonewhoisnotpresent.Theirdistracted,panickedmindislikelytobesobusydoubtingitselfthatthepersonbecomesincrediblynervous,self-conscious,anddesperatetoleavethespotlight.
Anypressuredsituationatallisaidedbycomfortinthespotlight.Thisisalsoapplicableintheworldofinterpersonalandromanticrelationships.Imagineafirstdatescenario;oneofthekeymistakesthatalotofnon-charismaticpeoplemakeinthissituationislettingtheirinneranxietyandfearleakoutintotheirwords,behaviors,andgestures.Thisinturnlosesthedate'sattractiontothem.
Askanymanorwomaniftheyfindconfidence,andparticularlycomfortduringattention,asattractive.Themajorityofpeoplewillfindthisanappealingtraitinbothmenandwomen.Thisisn’tbecauseexhibitingcomfortissomehowinherentlysexy.Whatitsaysaboutaperson,however,isdeeplyattractive.Sowhatdoesdisplayingcomfortsayaboutsomeoneonadeeperlevel?
Theunderlyingmessagesrepresentedbyadisplayofcomfortinthespotlightare:“IamOKwithmyself,Iamhappy,andIhavemylifetogethersoIdon’tmindwhenpeoplefocusonme.”
Contrastthiswiththebehaviorofsomeonewhoshiesawayfromthespotlight.Heorsheisusuallylikelytodosoduetotheirworry,self-doubt,andgeneralunease.Theunderlyingmessagescommunicatedbynervousbehaviorare“Iamunsureaboutmyself,IamworriedIamnotgoodenoughforyou,andIwouldratheryoudon’tfocusonme.”
Whenexploredatthisdeeperlevelofsubcommunication,theimportanceof
Whenexploredatthisdeeperlevelofsubcommunication,theimportanceofcomforttocharismamakesalotofsense.Thinkaboutyourfavoriteperformer,perhapsamusicianorcomedian.Ifyouwatchoneperformanceyouarelikelytoseehowthecomfortlevelenhancesthecontent.Rockstarsareusedtobeingunderthespotlight,literally,ofteninarenaswiththousandsoffansexpectingagoodreturnonthemoneytheypaidforaticket.Imagineifarockstarlookedworried,sad,orunsureofwhatheorshewasdoing.Itwouldkillthemagicoftheperformance.Theaudiencewouldbecomedistractedbythebehavioroftheperformerandloseappreciationforthemusicitself.
Contrastthisideaofanervousperformerwithonewhoiswhollyateaseandexpressiveunderthespotlight.Thisperformerisso“inthemoment,”orpresent,thatheorshereallyletgoandbeexpressiveduringtheperformance.Thisenergytransfersdirectlyontotheaudienceandfreesthemtoalsofeelcomfortableandenjoytheperformancecompletely.
Whateveryouhappentodoinlifeisyour“performance.”Ifyouaretryingtowinsomeoneoveronadateorleadingaprofessionalteamduringacrisis,youareperforming.Thelevelofcomfortyouexhibitduringyourperformanceislikelytohaveakeyimpactonitssuccessandthewayitisreceived.
CultivatingComfortinTheSpotlight:PracticalIdeas
Youmighthavereadthelastsectionandunderstoodtheimportanceandappealofacharismaticleaderwhoexhibitsgreatlevelsofcomfortwhenthespotlightison.Youmight,however,haveworriedthatthisdidnotsoundlikeyou.Ifthatisthecase,don’tworry;likeeveryaspectoftheCharismaticEquation,youcanworkhardonimprovingitforyourself.
Asinanything,comfortissomethingthatbecomesmorenaturalwithrepetition.Itis,therefore,agoodideatoseekoutasmany“underthespotlight”experiencesaspossible.Bydoingthis,youincreaseyourleveloffamiliaritywithpressure
aspossible.Bydoingthis,youincreaseyourleveloffamiliaritywithpressureandyourabilitytothriveunderit.Whenapressuredsituationmakesitswayintoyourlife,whichitinevitablywill,youwillbereadytofaceit.
Sowhatarethetypesofexperiencesyoucanseekout?Givingtalksorspeechesisoneofthemostbeneficialandrapidwaystoimproveyourcomfortinthespotlight.Therearemanydifferentorganizationsthatarededicatedtohelpingsomeonetofeelateaseinfrontofanaudience.Tofindoutaboutthese,itisworthsearchingonlineunderpublicspeaking(yourlocalarea).Thereisagoodchanceyouwillbeabletofindpeopletohelpyoudevelopthischarismaticqualityinasupportiveandusefulenvironment.
Puttingyourselfjustbeyondtheedgeofyourcomfortzoneisanotherpowerfulwaytoachievegreatereaseinthespotlight.Ifthereissomethingyouareparticularlyscaredof,confrontit.Forexample,whenitcomestoworkingout,alotofpeopleareafraidtodoitbecausetheydon’twanttobejudgedbyothers.Ifthisisyou,trythistechniqueofconfrontingyouranxiety.Itwillhelpyouovercomeyourfearinasinglehourifyoufullycommittoit.Dressinsomeworkoutwearthatissuitable,butnottootame,perhapsabrightNikeshirt.Gorunninginapublicplaceforaslongasyoucan.Evenifyouareout-of-shape,trythis.Youwillnoticethatyourworstfearsdonotcometrue.Peoplearesobusyintheirownlifethattheyareunabletopayyouanyattention.
Byforcingyourselfintosituationssuchasexercisinginpublic,youtrainyourbodyandpsychetofeelnaturallyandautomaticallyateasewhentheattentionisonyou.Dependingonyourlevelsofbravery,youcantakethistoextremes.Whatdoesanextremewayofbuildingconfidencelooklike?
Let’ssayyouhaveafearoftalkingtostrangers.Arapidandpowerfulwaytoovercomethisistogoouttoabar,nightclub,orothersocialvenueappropriateforinteraction.Makeapromisetoyourselftostrikeuptenpoliteconversationsbeforeyouleave.Ifyoufollowthesetechniques,youwillnoticethatyour
confidenceinthespotlightincreasesinmanyareasofyourlife.Overcominginsecurityinoneareafiltersthroughautomaticallytotheothers.
Anothergreattechniqueforbecomingmorecomfortableinthespotlightistoseekoutamentororadvisorofsomekind.Thiscouldbesomeoneyoumeetwithinpersonorsomeonewhoinspiresyousecondhand,suchasthroughtheirbooksorvideos.Ideally,youwillfindsomeonewhohasbeenthroughthesamejourneyyouaretryingtomakeandhassucceeded.Findingapersonlikethisallowsyourmindandbodytorealizethatdifficultsituationsarenotimpossible.Theycanbeachievedandthereareplentyofpeopleouttherewhowillhelpyouinthispursuit.
Ifyoutakeactionontheseideas,besuretolookbackandappreciatewhatyouhaveachieved.Allowyourselftofeelhappinessatyourprogressandbravery.Also,understandthatthisprocessisa“snowballeffect”scenario.
Takingthefirstsmallstepsisthehardestpartoftheprocess.Afteryouhavetakenthisinitialleapoffaith,youwilldeveloptheroutineofbecomingmoreconfidentandalsobenefitfromtheresultsyouwitness.
Extroversion
Extroversioniscloselyrelatedtocomfortinthespotlight,butismorewidelyapplicable.Likemanytermsinpopularusage,extroversionisonewhichmanypeoplewillusewithoutunderstanding.Thus,let’sbeginbyexploringthetruedifferencesbetweenintrovertsandextroverts.
Manypeoplemistakenlyassociateextroversionandintroversionwiththebehaviorsofthepeoplewhoexhibitthem.Intheeyesofmany,extrovertsarelikelytobetalkingtolotsofpeople,whileintrovertsaretimidlypursuingtheirownsolitarypastimes.Thisisfarfromthetruth.Sowhatactuallymakessomeoneanextrovertoranintrovert?
someoneanextrovertoranintrovert?
Thedefinitionofbeinganintrovertorextrovertisnotreliantuponsomeonedoingonethingoranother,butratheruponhisorherresponsetodifferentactivities.Thekeyiswhetherapersonfeelsmorecomfortableand“recharged”afteratimearoundpeopleoratimeontheirown.
Manypeoplewhoarenaturallyintrovertedareforcedintosituationswheretheymayseemtobe,fromanoutsiderperspective,extroverts.Whatstopsthisfrombeingtrueisthefactthat,internally,theyareunhappyanduncomfortablewiththeextrovertbehaviorstheyareexhibiting.
Theconverseprincipleappliestonaturalextrovertsforcedintosolitarylifestyles.Whydoyouthinksolitaryconfinementisseenassuchanextremepunishment?
Now,howdoesextroversionaidcharisma?Asyoulearnedearlier,beingcharismaticcannotoccurinisolation.Acharismaticleaderwhodoesnotleadothersisonly“internally”or“potentially”charismatic.Beingaroundpeople,andfeelinggoodduringtheexperience,isakeypartofcharismaticleadership.
Inordertobepresent,comfortable,andconfident,itisimportantthatthecharismaticindividualisinternallypositiveaboutwhatishappening.Excessiveintroversion,suchasseeinginteractionasachoreratherthanapleasure,isoneofthemainroadblockstobeingcharismatic.
ExploringExtroversion
Nowthatwehaveconsideredthenatureofextroversionandhowitisconducivetocharisma,let’sconsidersomeofthewaysinwhichpeoplecanbecomemoreextroverted.
Likealmostanyothercharismatictrait,thereisagoodprobabilitythatgenetics,
Likealmostanyothercharismatictrait,thereisagoodprobabilitythatgenetics,earlyenvironment,etc.,inclinedyoutowardseitherintroversionorextroversion.Likeanythingelseinlife,thisisnotanexcuseforovercomingit.
Aretherewaysforenhancingextroversionforthosewhoalreadypossessit?Inaddition,isitinitiallyattainableforseriousintroverts?Exploringwaystoanswerthesequestionswillhelptoexplainhowtobecomemoreextroverted.
Ifyoualreadyfeelasifyouareanextrovert,oratleasthaveasidetoyourselfwhichcouldbedescribedasextroverted,itisimportanttogainadeeperunderstandingofthis.Whataboutyouisextroverted?Howhasithelpedyou?Howcanyouincreasetheextrovertedsideofyouwhiledecreasingtheintrovertedside?
Likealmostanyotheraspectofcharisma,thetraits,actions,andwordsaren’tinherentlybetter—theyjusthelpyoubecomemorecharismatic.Extroversionisnodifferent;however,ifyouwanttobecomeanextrovertorampupyourexistingextroversion,itisimportanttotrainyourmindtofocusonthebenefitsofextroversionandtheharmsofintroversion.
Ifyoufeelyouareincredibly,oratleastmostly,introverted,it’simportanttoberealisticaboutthespeedofyourtransitionintoextroversion.Don’texpecttogofromshytothemostconfidentpersoninacrowdovernight.Setsmall,achievablestepstowardsyourgoalandrewardyourselfforfollowingthem.
Itisalsoimportanttorealizethatintroversionandextroversionarenot“allornothing.”Ifyoufindyourselfslippingbackwardsattimes,don’tworry.Thinkaboutyourprogressionasalinechart;aslongasitistrendingupwardsovertime,minorsetbacksarenottoodetrimentaltolong-termsuccess.
Avaluableinfluenceonyourlevelsofextroversionisyourpeergroup.Ifyousurroundyourselfwithextrovertedpeople,theirbehaviorisnaturallyboundtotransferontoyouovertime.Ifyouwanttoencouragesomething,suchas
transferontoyouovertime.Ifyouwanttoencouragesomething,suchasextroversion,withinyourself,makeityour“newnormal.”Bydoingthis,youallowextroversiontobecome“fittingin”andintroversiontobecome“awkwardlystandingout.”Thisisincrediblypowerfulinthelongrun.
Attention
Attentioncanbeunderstoodastheoutwardmanifestationofpresence.Presenceistheabilitytobeinthemomentonyourownorwithothers.Attentionistheabilitytotransferthisinternalpresenceoutwardsinavarietyofdifferentscenarios.Wewillexplorehowthisisusefulforcharisma,howitappliestodifferentaspectsoflife,andhowyoucanimproveyourownlevelsofattention.
Alloftheinternalaspectsofattentionhavebeencoveredcomprehensivelyinthebook’ssectiononpresence.Sowhataresomeoftheexamplesofhowthisinnerpresencecanbeusedintheformofoutwardattention?
Onesituationinwhichattentionisinvaluableiswhenyouareinteractingwithsomeoneonaone-to-onebasis.Thepersonislikelytofeelmorecomfortablewithyou,moreopentoyou,andmoregratefulabouthavinginteractedwithyouandyourfullattention.So,howcanthisoccur?
Oneaspectofpayingsomeoneattentionistolistenactivelytowhattheyaresaying.Thisinvolvesbothverbalandnonverbalaspectsoflistening.Ifsomeonemakesapoint,takethetimetorephraseitslightlyandcheckyouhaveunderstoodtheirmeaning.Thisshowsalevelofinterestandcareabouttheirwords;insteadofyouarenotjustsittingthere,countingdownthesecondsuntilitisyourturntospeak.
Attentioncanalsobeprovidedbyyourphysicalpresenceduringaninteraction.Fidgeting,lookingawayexcessively,checkingyourphone—theseareallwaystoinstantlydestroyanyattentionyouhavemanagedtoconveyuntilthatpoint.
toinstantlydestroyanyattentionyouhavemanagedtoconveyuntilthatpoint.
Attentionisequallyimportantfortasksasitisforpeople.Themoderneraisthehardestevertofocusin.WeareconstantlyfacingthetemptationofSmartphonesandsocialnetworksandendlesswaystoprocrastinateandletthesecondsofourlivesgotowaste.
Payingattentiontoourtasksisatwofoldprocess-first,figureoutexactlywhatyouneedtodoinanygivenday,week,orothertimeperiod,andtheorderinwhichitshouldbedone.Then,committoitandgiveityourfullenergyandeffort,intheirproperorder.Thisisfareasiersaidthandone,sowhatmakesthisprocessachievable?
Inordertofacilitateyourattentiontotasks,beverystrictanddisciplinedwithyourself.Forexample,makeastrictruleof“noFacebookforfourhours,ornostoppinguntilIreachmytargetfortoday.”Tomakethiseasier,attachmassivementalsignificancetoyourworksuchasfrequentlyremindingyourselfofalltherewardsyouwillenjoyafterhandlingyourtasks.Remindyourselfthateverysecondspentscrollingthroughsocialmediaisoneyouwillnevergetback.
Onlybyreframingthewayinwhichyouseeworkwillyoubeabletogiveityourfullattention,passion,andenergy.
Chapter5:TheCharismaticKey:Confidence
Asofyet,wehaveexploredtheimportanceofcharisma,whatitreallyis,theelementsthatformtheCharismaticEquation,andtheinternalandexternalfoundationsforbecomingcharismatic.
YoucanconsiderthebookupuntilthispointtobeCharisma101.Now,youwilltakethingstothenextlevel.Theremainingchaptersexplain,explore,andapplythemostpowerfulcharismatictechniquesinexistence.Thereisonekeythatisessentialtomaketherestofthebookwork—confidence.
Iftheinnerdimensionsarecharisma’sskeleton,theouterdimensions,itslimbs,arederivedfromconfidence—thelifebloodessentialforeverythingtoworkasitshould.
YouCanBeConfident
Let’sstartbyaddressingthemostimportanttopicrelatedtoconfidence—thenecessityofseeingitasalearnableskill.Thebiggestandmostpowerfulblockageofbecomingconfidentisabeliefthatpeopleareoraren’tconfidentandchangingthisisn’tbeingtruetowhoIam.Thisisahugeerrorthatwillcauseuntoldamountsofpainandfrustrationinaperson’slifeiftheydonotfixit.
Confidenceisnodifferenttobodyfat,forexample.Yourlevelofconfidenceissomethingyouhaveaccumulatedasaresultofyourlifechoicesmixedwithyourgeneticpredisposition.Wouldyoutellyourself“beingfatisjustwhoIam?”Hopefullynot;justbecauseconfidenceislessvisiblethanbodyfat,itdoesnotmakeitanylessimportanttocontrolandinfluencetoworkinyourfavor.
Likealmostanyaspectofhumanbehavior,confidencehasaninnerandanouter
Likealmostanyaspectofhumanbehavior,confidencehasaninnerandanouterdimension.Inthebook’searlierchapterexploringtheinnerdimensionsofcharisma,personalpowerwasexploredasoneofthemostimportantinnerdimensionsofcharismapossible.Confidencecanbeseenastheoutwardmanifestationofpersonalpower.Thankfully,boththeinnerandouteraspectsofconfidencecanbelearned,understood,andapplied.Thesectiononpersonalpowerdealswiththeinneraspectsofconfidence.
Self-confidence
Self-confidencecanbeunderstoodasthewaysinwhichpeople’sinherentself-beliefandfeelingsofpersonalpowerareexpressedoutwardly.Whataresomeofthesituationsinwhichthisbecomesrelevant?Whendealingwiththeabilitytoacceptcompliments,theabilitytotrustyourowndecisionregardlessofthejudgmentofothers,andtheneedtoavoidbraggingandseekingvalidation.Dealingwithcomplimentsgraciouslyissomethingthatisaclearpointofdifferentiationbetweencharismaticpeopleandpeoplelackingcharisma.
Ifsomeonewhohasagoodlevelofself-confidenceiscomplimented,heorshewillacceptthecomplimentinagraciousandwarmwayandarelikelytosincerelythankthepersoncomplimentinghimorherandmoveon.Thecomplimentisappreciated,butnotoverlyimportanttoatrulyself-confidentperson.
Someonelackinginself-confidenceisfarlesslikelytorespondcharismaticallytoacompliment.Ifsomeonecomplimentssomeonewithlowself-confidence,theresponseislikelytogooneoftwoways.Thefirstresponseisthepersonreceivingthecomplimentrejectingitentirely.Let’slookatanexampleofthis.
Person1:“Nicejobtoday,welldone.”
Person2(withlowself-confidence):“No,Ididn’tdoagoodjob,Imadealotof
mistakes.AnyonecouldhavedonewhatIdid,butbetter.”
So,whatisgoingoninthissituation?Thepersonwithlowself-confidencedoesnotbelieveinwhotheyareandwhattheyarecapableofdoing.Therefore,whencomplimented,heorsheisunabletosimplyacceptitandmoveonduetoalowself-worth,makingacomplimentunacceptabletothem.
Thesecondpossibleresponsetoacomplimentbysomeonewithlowself-esteemistoturnthecomplimentbackonthepersongivingit,butinanexcessiveway.Let’slookatanexample.
Person1:“Cooloutfit.”
Person2(withlowself-confidence):“No,it’snot,yoursiswaycooler.Ilovehowyoulook,IwishIwasyou.”
Thisisacombinationofverylowself-worthcoupledwithadesiretopleaseotherstoadegradingextent.
Sonowthatwe’velookedatexamplesofhowlowself-confidencecanmanifestinrelationtocompliments;inthefirstcase,thepersonwassincerelytryingtobepositiveandfriendly.Byhavingsuchanegativeresponseoffered,thisintentionwasruinedintwoways.First,thepersonfeelsdejectedandhisorhermoodlowersasaresultofthepersonwithlowself-confidencetransferringhisorheremotionsontothem.Secondly,thesituationisincrediblysociallyawkward,asknowinghowtorespondisdifficult.Asimplesituationcansuddenlybecomeaminefield.Thisislikelytoresultinthepersonwithlowself-confidencebeingavoidedinthefutureasaresult.
Dealingwithdecision-makingisanotherwayinwhichself-confidence,orlackthereof,impactsuponaperson’slife.Ifapersonisselfconfident,heorsheislikelytotrustintheirowndecisionmaking,evenifotherpeoplegoagainstit.
likelytotrustintheirowndecisionmaking,evenifotherpeoplegoagainstit.
Let’ssay,forexample,someonewithhighself-confidencehasmadeaparticularlifestylechoice,perhapstryingoutanewdietoranewformofexercise.Evenifeveryoneinhisorherpeergroupdisagreeswiththischoice,thehighlyconfidentpersonwillcontinuewithitregardless.Defensivenessorangerwillnotcloudthemind;instead,heorshewilljustcalmlypersistwiththedecision,trustinginhisorherjudgment.
Someonewithlowself-confidence,ontheotherhand,isveryunsureofhimorherself,aswellashisorherfeelingsandbeliefs.Eagertoimpressothers,thispersonisquicktochangetheintendedcourseofactioninhisorherlifeorpreviouslyheldbeliefs.Thisis,obviously,incrediblydangerous.Someonewhosebeliefsandactionsaresoeasilyswayedisunabletocommittoanything,particularlyinthelong-term.Thisweaknessandindecisionisantitheticaltocharismaanditspractice.
Thefinalpracticalaspectrelatedtoself-confidenceisvalidationseeking.Haveyouevermetsomeoneinlifewholivestobeapprovedandlikedbyothers?Therearevariouswaysthiscantakeplace.Somepeopleareconstantlytryingtodominateaconversationwithoverzealoustalesoftheirownachievementsandimportance.
Notonlythis,suchpeoplereactextremelywelltobeingpraisedandextremelypoorlytobeingcriticized.Thistypeofbehaviorisknownas“validationseeking,”asymptomofpeoplenotknowingorbelievingthattheyareinherentlygoodenough.Theyrelyonotherstofillthatdoubtforthem.
Validationseekingisnotatraityouwillfindinpeoplewithhighlevelsofself-confidence.LookattruegreatslikeSteveJobs;duringhisfamouspresentations,didheeverbrag,boast,ordemandpraisefromothers?No.Hejustrelentlesslypursuedhisidealsandvisionandletthechipsfallwheretheymay.
SteveJobs’isagoodexampleofsomeonewithhighlevelsofself-confidenceandvoidoftheneedtoseekvalidationfromothers.Peoplewhoalreadyknow,accept,andstrivetoimprovewhotheyaredonothavetobereliantonothersforhowtheyfeel.Theyhavetakenthetimetoacquireagoodlevelofself-understanding,whichinturnleadstotheirself-confidence.
Thefirststeptobecomingself-confidentisgettingtoknowandacceptyourself.Thisinvolveshavinganhonestandclearunderstandingofwhoyouare,whatyoudo,andwhyyoudoit.
Thisunderstandingshouldbereasonedandbackedbyexperience.Suchanunderstandingisthenrocksolidandnotsusceptibletojudgmentorinfluencebyothers.Bygainingthislevelofself-confidence,youwillbeabletocontinuethroughlifewithoutneedingorwantingtheapprovalofothers.Avoidingvalidationseekingduetolowself-confidenceisabsolutelyvitalforbecomingcharismatic.
Tobeacharismaticleader,peopleneedtofeellikefollowingyouisagood,secure,andbeneficialoption.Followingsomeonewhoissoweaktheyneedtoconstantlybemadetofeelgoodbyotherpeopleisnotanattractiveoptionforanyoneworthleading.
Situationalvs.CoreConfidence
Anotherkeyconceptinrelationtocharismaistheideaofconfidencebeingeither“situational”or“core”innature.Manypeoplewronglybelievethatpeopleeitherhavesituationalorcoreconfidence,notboth.Thisisinaccurate.
Aperson’scoreconfidenceistheirbaselevelofconfidence,whichtheycarryoutatalltimes,regardlessofwheretheyareorwhattheyaredoing.Thisistheneitherincreasedordecreasedslightlybasedonthesituationalconfidence
relevanttoanygivencontext.Theseideasbecomeclearerthroughtheuseofexamples.
First,let’sunderstandcoreconfidence.Thisissomeone’sbaselevelofself-confidence,personalpower,andgeneralcertaintyandefficacyinlife.Itisintrinsicratherthanextrinsic—itisnotreliantonfactorsoutsideoftheperson.
Someonewithahighlevelofcoreconfidenceischarismaticinawiderangeofsituations.Theyareabletousetheircoreconfidencetoexudecharismaandinfluence,nomatterwhattheparticularrealityinfrontofthematthetime.
Signsofthishighdegreeofcoreconfidencecanbeseenthroughouthistory.Leaderswhoareasabletoleadinthegoodtimesastheyareinthebadarethemostusefultoorganizationsandthepeoplewithinthem.
Situationalconfidencerelatestotheenvironmentalboost,orloss,thataperson’scoreconfidenceexperiencesdependingonthecircumstancefacing.Forexample,thinkofaprofessorwhoisverywellrespectedwithinaspecificuniversity.Withinthatenvironment,heisconfident,asheisafigureofauthorityandrespect.Placedinanunfamiliarenvironment,suchasanightclub,hisconfidencemaydecreasesignificantlyduetothelackofcontextualfactors,whichprovidedhissituationalconfidence.
Sohowdoesanidealcharismaticleadermakethebestuseofbothcoreandsituationalconfidence?Simplybycombiningthemforamaximumadvantage;bydevelopingcoreconfidence,overtime,thecharismaticleaderensurestobereliantononlyhisorherself,experiences,andhistoryfortheconfidencetheyfeeleachandeveryday.Ontopofthis,understandinghowtodrawsituationalconfidencefromarangeofdifferentenvironmentsallowstheleadertheabilitytotopuphisorheralreadyhighcoreconfidence.Forexample,acharismaticleaderthatisabletowintheheartsandmindsofdifferenttypesofaudiencesdrawssituationalconfidencefromdifferentcontexts.
drawssituationalconfidencefromdifferentcontexts.
Thinkofapersonwhoisrespectedwithinhisorherfamily,workplace,andreligiousinstitution.Eachofthesesituationsdiffers,yettherespectedpersonisabletomakeallofthemservehisorherownlevelsofconfidence.
ContinuousConfidenceImprovement
Theideaofcontinuousimprovementisoriginallyfoundinthemacro,ororganizational,contextofbusiness.Itreferstotheideaofmakingqualityanongoingaimofanorganization,withthecompanymakingsmall,yetpowerful,changesonaneverendingbasis.
Continuousimprovementcanbepowerfullyappliedtothecultivationofcharismaticconfidence.Thisisachievedbyseeingconfidenceasajourney,ratherthanadestination.Whatmattersistakingactiontowardsimprovingbothcoreandsituationalconfidence,atalltimes,andneverallowingprogresstostagnate.Thisideaofcontinuousimprovementisespeciallyusefulasitallowspeopleseekingcharismatohaveablueprintformovingforward,nomatterthelevelofconfidencetheyhappentohavealreadyachieved.
Topursuecontinuousconfidenceimprovement,itisvitaltofocussincerelyonassessingbothcoreandsituationalconfidencefromtheperspectiveof:Howaretheseservingme?Wherearemyweakestareas?WhatpracticalstepscanItaketoimprove?Whatwillmymeasuresofsuccessbe?
Keepingtrackofcontinuousimprovementeffortsinajournal,oranyotherformat,isagreatwaytoensureprogressisongoing,understood,anduseful.Bychroniclingconfidenceinthisway,thecharismaticleaderisabletodrawuponpersonalexperiencesandtrackrecordatanygiventime.Thisoffersthemarangeofusefulreferenceexperiencestodrawupon.Insightintothelessonsofthepast,intermsofwhathasandhasn’tworked,isalsoanimportantelementof
thepast,intermsofwhathasandhasn’tworked,isalsoanimportantelementofthis.
WhyConfidenceistheLifebloodofCharisma
Asdiscussedearlierinthischapter,confidencecanbeconsideredanalogoustothe“bloodofcharisma.”Thisisn’tsimplyanemptyidea;confidenceplaysasupportive,sustaining,andstrengtheningroleineveryotheraspectoftheCharismaticEquation.
Confidenceisabsolutelyessentialinacquiringandincreasingtheinternalfoundationsofcharisma.Withoutastrongconfidenceinwhytheseinternalaspectsareneeded,itisalmostimpossibletopursuethemwithanydedicationorcommitment.Italsohelpspeopletopersistthroughdifficulties,especiallyinrelationtothemorehardtograspaspectsofconfidence,suchaspresence.
Theouterfoundationsofcharisma,suchastheabilitytostepoutsideofone’scomfortzone,faceuptofears,andpushthroughbarriers,areallabsolutelyreliantonsufficientconfidencebeinginplace.Withoutconfidence,peoplearelikelytofeeldejected,jaded,anddiscouraged.
Charismaisabsolutelydependentontheleaderhavingsufficientunderstandingandusageofthevarioustypesofconfidencedescribedinthischapter.Asyouprogressthroughthebook,thinkoftheimportanceofconfidenceineveryideayoucomeacross.Considerhowanunderstandingofconfidence,andaproperapplicationofit,canleadtocharisma’spowerincreasingexponentially.
Chapter6:CharismaticBodyLanguage
Charismaticbodylanguageisoneofthemostimpactfulaspectsofcharismaticleadership.Knowinghowtoholdoneselfinanygivensituationisanaspectofinfluencethatsetsapartcharismaticleadersfrommereleaders.
Inthischapter,thedetailedaspectsofcharismaticbodylanguagewillbeexploredaswellashowtousetheseaspectseffectively.Youwillbegiventhetheorybehindthebodylanguagetips,examplesofwhentouseeachtechnique,andanunderstandingofhowbodylanguagesupportsandreinforcesotheraspectsofcharisma.
WhyActionsSpeakLouderThanWords
Thehumanmindisdesignedtoderivemeaningfromthedetailsofcommunicationoutsideofactualwordsspoken.Hence,someone’sbodylanguage,andtoneofvoice,areoftenmoreindicativeofhisorhermeaningandmessageratherthantheactualchosenwords.
Thinkaboutthephrase“GoodMorning;”dependingonhowitisspokenandthebodylanguageofthepersonsayingit,itcanmeanalmostanythingfrom,“Hello,mygoodfriend,”throughto“Leavemealone.Iamfeelingverysadtoday.”
Justlikeeveryotheraspectofcharisma,andtheequationthatunderpinsit,bodylanguageismostcharismaticandeffectivewhenitisusedincongruentharmonywithotheraspectsofaperson’scommunicativeefforts.EveryaspectoftheCharismaticEquationworksinharmonywiththeothers.Quitesimply,acongruentequationisparalleltogreatercharisma.
Tounderstandthisideaoftheequationformingacongruent,reinforcing,unitedstructure,ratherthanmentionalloftheaspects,wewillfocusonafewspecific
structure,ratherthanmentionalloftheaspects,wewillfocusonafewspecificaspectsforthesakeofsimplicity.
Let’sbeginbypicturingaleaderdeliveringaspeech.Thisleaderhappenstohavehighlevelsofpresenceandcompassion,whichtheyhaveattainedthroughtheirpursuitoftheinnerfoundationsofcharisma.This,inturn,isreinforcedbythewarm,expressiveattentiontheygivetotheiraudience—theoutermanifestationoftheirinnerfoundations.
Thisgeneralattitudeisthenfurtherenhancedbyanintelligentandemotionallyimpactfulchoiceoflanguage,deliveredthroughbodilystance,andinatoneofvoice,whicharetotallyinharmonywiththeleader’sinternalandexternalcharisma.
Theaboveexampleshowshowcharismaismaximizedwheneveryelementworkstosupporteveryother.Ifsomeoneisdeliveringanemotionallyenergeticchoiceofwords,butstandingandspeakinginawaythatisdullandflat,themessagelosesitscongruenceandimpact.Thefollowingaresomespecificaspectsofbodylanguage,andhowtousethemcongruentlyforthemaximumcharismaticeffect.
Stance
Howacharismaticcommunicatorstandsorsitsisakeyaspectoftheirbodylanguage.
Thefirstelementofthisideatofullygraspisthatthechoiceofpostureshouldbeappropriateforboththemessagebeingdeliveredandthepersonalityofthepersondeliveringit.Thereareseveraldifferentstancesacharismaticleadercanadoptwhilestanding.
Generallyspeaking,standingwithyourfeetslightlywiderthanshoulderlength,withshouldersbackandchinslightlyraised,isthemost“powerful”wayfora
withshouldersbackandchinslightlyraised,isthemost“powerful”wayforapersontostand.Thisbasestancecanthenbeadapted,increased,ordecreasedslightlydependinguponthespecificmessagebeingdelivered.Howdoesthislookinpractice?
Let’ssayacharismaticbusinessleaderwantedtodeliveraspeechfollowingaperiodofgoodperformanceforthecompany.Standingpowerfullywouldbeabsolutelyappropriateforthisscenario.Thespeakerwouldwanttoenergizeandcongratulatehisorheraudienceandwould,therefore,incorporateanadditionalmotionandexcitementtothestance.
Thisshouldbecarefullylimited,however.Thereisathinlinebetweenmotionandhyperactivity.Thekeyinstayingontherightsideofthatdivideistoensuretheleaderisincontroloftheirmovementsatalltimes;themovementsshouldbedeliberateandnotrushed,ratherthaninvoluntaryandjerky.
Stancecanalsobecarefullymatchedtothetoneofaleader’svoice,inordertoaddimpacttothewaytheyspeak.Forexample,imaginealeaderisdeliveringatalkcontainingamixtureofbravadoandemotionalsensitivity.Iftheleaderwishesfortheaudiencetofeelthefullemotionalforceoftheseideas,itisimportantfortheleadertoadjusthisorherstancetosomethingless“fullon”duringtheemotionalaspectsofthetalk.Thepersonmaywishtodecreasethegapbetweenhisorherfeetand/oradjusttheangleofhisorhershoulderstobeslightlylessopentotheaudience.
Stayingwiththeaboveexample,whentheleaderisreadytodeliverthemoreconfidentsectionsofthetalk,heorshecanshiftstancestobemoreopen,powerful,anddirect.Theaudienceisunlikelytobeconsciouslyawareofwhattheleaderisdoing,buttheywillfeeltheimpactnonetheless.Thisissimilartothechoiceofcameraworktakingplaceduringamovie.Goodcameraanglesandcutswillabsolutelyenhancethecontentandtoneofthestorytakingplace,eventhoughtheaudiencewillnotconsciouslyunderstandwhy.
thoughtheaudiencewillnotconsciouslyunderstandwhy.
Thestancealeaderchooseswhilesittingisanotherimportantaspectofcharismaticbodylanguage.Thisstanceisdependentupontheparticularsituationatthetime.Whenspeakingtoone,orasmallnumberofpeople,itisgoodtobeawarethatleaningforwardcanindicateinterestandattention.Thisshouldnotbecarriedoutnon-stop,however,asitmakestheleaderlookwoodenandone-dimensional.Timesofinterest,shownbyleaningforward,shouldbealternatedwithtimesofleaningbackinanopenandpowerfulway.
Whensittingandspeakingtoabiggergroup,suchasinaboardroomorsomeformofseateddiscussion,itisawiseideaforthecharismaticleadertositupstraight.Thechinshouldbetiltedslightlybackandoneshouldnotbeafraidtotakeupspace,asthissub-communicatesconfidenceandhighstatus.
Ifyouareinneedofarolemodelforthisidea,checkoutDonDraperinMadMen.Hisbodylanguageduringpitches,meetings,andotheroccasionsisabsolutelyappropriateforacharacterofhisstatusandreputation.
Emulatingsomeofthesetraitsisagreatwaytoincreasetheconfidencelistenersfeelinyourchoiceofwords.
Wehavefocusedonconveyingpower,interestandemotionalcongruencethroughstancesofar.Itisalsoausefultoolforconveyinghumilityandcontrition,whenneeded.Aninterestingexampleofthisisthestanceusedbyhigh-rankingexecutivesfromSonyduringthefalloutfromahighprofilehackoftheirPlayStationservice.
Whentheexecutiveschosetodeliverapublicapology,theydidsothroughbowing!Thiswasadisplayofstanceabsolutelyreinforcingmessage,particularlyinlightofthebodylanguagecodesoftheirculturalcontext.
EyeContact
EyeContact
Therightuseofeyecontactisperhapsthemostpowerfulbodylanguagetoolfoundinthisentirebook.Why?Haveyoueverheardtheexpression“eyesarethewindowstothesoul?”Itbasicallymeansthataperson’seyesareexpressiveandofferaglimpseintowhatapersonisthinkingorfeelingatthetime.Acharismaticleadercanusethisideatoreinforceandsupportthecommunicationconveying.
Astrong,calmeyecontactisaveryattractiveandpowerfulformofcharisma.Whatdoesthismean?Itisbasicallyalevelofcomfortinlookingsomeoneintheeyeforalongperiodoftime.Peopleoftenhearthistipandtakeittoofar,staringdisturbingly;thisisnotwhatismeant.
Theeyecontactshouldideallyfeelcalmasabaselevel.Theprojectedvibeshouldbe,“Iamcomfortablewithmyselfandthereforewithyou,”ratherthan,“Iamtryingtostareyoudownandintimidateyou.”
Theuseofeyecontactdiffersslightlydependingonthesituationofthetime.Ifsomeoneisspeakingtoanindividualone-on-one,eyecontactiseasiertouse,astherearelessvariablesinplay.Inasituationsuchasthis,thekeyistomaintainabaselevelofeyecontactwithoccasionalslow,controlledglancestoreducethe“pressure”andmaintainthelistener’slevelofcomfort.
Aresponsive,charismaticuserofeyecontactwillalsobeawareof,andreactiveto,theextenttowhichthepersontheyarespeakingwithiscomfortablewitheyecontact.Ifthelistenerisveryshy,theintensityofeyecontactshouldbelessenedtopreservetheircomfort.Conversely,ifthelistenerisveryconfident,theintensityofeyecontactcanbeincreasedinordertoholdthelistener’sattentionandrespect.
Eyecontactcanalsobeusedbyacharismaticleaderto“read”thepersontheyareinteractingwith.Ifsomeoneismakingalotofjerky,erraticeyemovements,
areinteractingwith.Ifsomeoneismakingalotofjerky,erraticeyemovements,itsuggeststheyareuncomfortableornervousinsomeway.Iftheylookawayatcertainpoints,itmayindicateuntruthfulness.
Aleader’sabilitytousetheirknowledgeofcharismaticbodylanguagetoreadsomeone’seyecontactisreliantupontheleader’sknowledgeofbodylanguageingeneral,andthepersontheyareinteractingwithinparticular.
Aleader’suseofeyecontactwhenspeakingtoanaudienceisalsoimportant.Onewaytoprojectanimageofstrength,confidence,butalsointimacy,istoalternatebetweenlookingstronglyaheadandmakingoccasional,slow,deliberateeyecontactwithparticularmembersoftheaudience.Thisshouldbeusedsparingly;ifaspeakerisconstantlytryingtolookdifferentmembersofthecrowdintheeye,itresultsinthemappearingtobenervousandunsureofwhattheyaredoing.
Ifacharismaticspeakerisbeingfilmed,theirabilitytolookatthecameracorrectlybecomeskey.Lookingdirectlyintothecamerais,byandlarge,thebeststrategy,butifthisispursued,itisimportantfortheleadertoswitchuptheirfacialexpressionstoavoidseemingtooroboticorasiftheyaresimplystaring.
Handshake
Agoodhandshakeisawellknowntooltobeusedinthepursuitofcharismaticinfluence.Almosteveryoneknowsthebasics:adrypalm,shakefirmly,butnotaggressively,holdthehandshakeforafewseconds,makeeyecontactwhiledoingso.Thereare,somesubtlevariationsonthisidea,however.
Ifyoulookatvideosofpoliticalleadersshakinghandsduringmeetings,summits,etc.,youwilloftenseeoneleaderplacehissecondhandoverthetopoftheexistinghandshake.Themorecharismaticleaderextendshislefthandand
theexistinghandshake.Themorecharismaticleaderextendshislefthandandgraspsthetworighthandsinasignofsubtledominanceandconfidence.
Anothersimilartechniquetotheaboveistouchingsomeonebrieflyontheshoulderorarmasyoushakehandswithhimorher.Thisisagesturethatconveysbothrapportanddominance.Itshouldonlybeusedinsituationswherethecharismaticleaderfeelsitwillbeappropriate,however.Misguideduseofbodylanguagecanabsolutelydestroycharisma.AprimeexampleofthisiswhenGeorgeW.BushattemptedtogiveChancellorMerkelofGermanyasurpriseshoulderrubduringahighlevelpoliticalsummit.ChancellorMerkelreactedinvisibledisgustandBush’scharismawasdiminishedasaresult.
Breathing
Breathingmaysoundstrangeinrelationtobodylanguage,butitisimportantandunderpinseveryotheraspectofcharismaticdelivery.Onekeycomponentofthisisfillingthelungswithbreathbeforestartingtospeak.Thisallowsacharismaticfiguretocarefullycontrolhisorhervoicetomakeitsoundpowerfulandresonant.Thisisatechniqueusedbyoperasingersandisequallyapplicabletopeoplegivingspeechesoreventalkinginformallytoothers.
Afailuretobreathesufficientlyandfrequentlyenoughisamassiveroadblocktocharisma.Ifyouhaveeverheardaspeakerwhoisnervous,ahallmarkofthisistheirinabilitytobreathecomfortablyandconsistently.Theymayevenliterallyrunoutofbreathwhilespeaking.Whenthishappens,thespeakerlooksawkwardandunsureanddiminishesanyinfluencetheyhadmanagedtoaccumulateuntilthatpoint.
Gestures
Theuseofgesturesisoneofthemorecomplexaspectsofcharismaticbodylanguagetogetrightandusecorrectly.Manypeople,whenhearingthatgesturescanbeusedtoincreasecharisma,begintomakethemistakeofgesticulating
canbeusedtoincreasecharisma,begintomakethemistakeofgesticulatingwildlyandwithoutthoughtwhilespeaking.Thewordgesticulatereferstoanuncalibrated,nervouslookingdeploymentofthehandswhiletalking.Someonedoingthisinacarelesswayislikelytocomeacrossasworriedandoutofcontrolratherthanpowerfulandcharismatic.Sowhatistherightwaytousegestures?
Themainprincipleofcharismaticgesturingistoensurethatthechosengesturesaredeliberate,intendedandappropriateforwhatistakingplace.Forexample,iftheleaderistalkingaboutopeninguporhonesty,heorshemayslowlyanddeliberatelyopenthehandsinanexpansivemotion.Thisisusedtoaddavisualreinforcementtowhatisbeingsaidandembedthemessagedeeperintothemindsofthelisteners.
Agestureknownasthe“handchop”isanotherpowerfuluseofcharismaticbodylanguage.Thisissimilartoasmall“karatechop”motion,whichcanbeusedtoemphasizekeypointsofemphasis.Thiswillbeillustratedthroughthefollowingscenarioimaginingaleadergivingaspeechtoanexecutiveteam.
Leader:“Wewillincreaserevenuehandchop,expandourmarketsharehandchopandofferhigherqualitythanourcompetitorshandchop.”
Thehandchopgestureshouldbeusedatthesametimeasthekeypartsofaspeech,notjustafterthekeywords.Itshouldalsobeusedinmoderationtoretainitsemphaticpower,ratherthanmakingthepersonusingitlooklikeheorsheisfightingthinair.
Laugh
Haveyoueverfoundanotherperson’slaughverycontagiousandinfluential?Somepeopleseemtobeblessedwithaveryappealinglaughthatishardtoresist.Otherpeoplehavetheoppositeeffect—theirlaughisverynasallyandoffputting.Isn’titinterestinghowsomethingasseeminglyminorasalaughcanbe
usedtoexudecharisma?
Thereisnosuchthingas“theperfectcharismaticlaugh.”Everyonehastofindoutwhatworksforhimorher.Thewaytodothisistotrytonoticetimeswhenyourlaughterhasbeenmetwithotherlaughterand/orothertimeswhenyourlaughterhasbeenmetwithawkwardsilence.Didyoulaughmoreopenlyandexpressivelyonetimeortheother?Didsomeothermovementsuchasleaningforwardaccompanyyourlaughtotryandsuppressit?Alaughworksbestwhenitseemscongruenttothepersonlaughingandthesituation.Imagineanalphamaleleaderwithahigh-pitchedgiggle;suchalaughwoulddiminishcharismagreatly.Findinganappropriatelaughthatworksforyourcircumstanceisanimportantpartofcharismaticbodylanguage.
FacialExpressions
Facialexpressionsarekeyforexudingcharismaticinfluence,asaperson’sfaceislikelytobethefocusofattentionforanyonetheyareinteractingwith.Subtleuseoffacialexpressionsisagoodwaytoincreasecharismaticperception.Thisshouldbeusedwithrestraint,however.Someonewhobecomesexcessivelyexpressivewiththeirfacestartstolooklikeamimeoraclownratherthanacharismaticleader.
Ifaleaderwishestoconveywarmthandcompassion,findinganeffectivesmileisanimportantelement.Scientificstudieshaveshownthatasmileismostimpactfulwhenitisseeninboththeeyesandthemouthatthesametime.Focusingonlyononeortheotherleadstoasmileseemingalittleinsincereorforced.Smallsmilescanalsobeusedtolightenthemoodduringtimesofhardshiporsadness,butshouldbesubtle,suchasasmallmotionatthecornerofthemouth,ratherthanafullgrin.Themessageofasadsmileis,“thissituationisdifficult,butwewillremainpositive,”ratherthan,“Iaminappropriatelyenjoyingthismoment.”
LearnfromtheBest
Nowyouknowsomeofthespecificfacetsofcharismaticbodylanguage.Thischapterisintendedasamapratherthanaphotograph.Whatdoesthismean?Itshouldpointyouinthedirectionofhowtoacquirecharismaticbodylanguageratherthanteachingyoudirectly.Sowhatisthebestwaytolearnandmastersuchbodylanguage?
Thefirststepintheprocessistoknowthetypeoftechniqueyouwishtolearn.Forexample,ifsomeonewishestoimprovehisorherstance,thinkingspecificallyaboutthetypeofstanceheorshewantstoacquireshouldbetheinitialstep.
Next,apersonmustseekoutrolemodelswhoareknownforusingthedesiredtypeofbodylanguageandanalyzewhattheyaredoingandwhyitworks.Intoday’sworld,withtheInternet,thisiseasy.Peoplecanwatchandanalyzethemostcharismaticpeoplefromhistoryatthetouchofabutton.Oncesuchrolemodelshavebeenfoundandanalyzed,itisimportanttoconsistentlyapplythenewfoundtechniques.Otherwise,thetimespentlearningiswasted,asthereisnotangiblebenefitorimprovement.
Chapter7:AdaptOrDie:TheImportanceofEngagement
WhatDoesitMeantoEngage?
Theabilitytoadaptaspectsofcharismainordertoengagepeopleisavitalpartoftheentireprocess.Inthischapter,youwilllearnhowtoadaptandengagedependingonthesituationyoufaceatthetimeandwhetheryouareengagingalargeaudienceoranindividual.Theimportanceofpursuingadaptationandengagementwillbeexplained,aswillthereasonswhytheprinciplesareimpactfulinpractice.
Thekeyideaunderpinningthischapteristhatacharismaticleadermustberesponsivetohisorhersituation,notsomekindof“onesizefitsall”puppet.Thecorereasonforthisistheabilitytoadaptasignofintelligenthumanity.Someonewhocanmodifyhisorherbehavior,language,andgeneralenergyissomeonewhoconveysintelligence,awareness,andinfluence.
Itisimportantforcharismaticleaderstonottakethisprincipletoofar;beingadaptableandflexibledoesnotmeanbecomingachameleonwithoutanidentityorgenuinepersonality.Truecharismaticleadershavethementalitythat,“Ineedtoshowthesideofmyselfmostsuitedtothissituation”ratherthan,“Ineedtobecomethepersonnecessaryforthissituation.”Thisisanimportantdistinctionbecausehumanbeingsrespondwelltocharacterandauthenticity.Ifaleaderhasacorepersonalitythatheorshecanshowindifferentwaysatdifferenttimes,itisaclearsignofadaptabilityandexperience.However,aleaderthataltershisorherenergyandimagetooseverelyisunabletoconveyanysenseoflastingself.Thebalancebetweenflexibilityandauthenticityisthereforevital.
SituationalEngagement
Thefollowingtwosectionsofthischapterdealwithengagingpeople.Thischapter,ontheotherhand,focusesonadaptingtoandengagingwithinaspecificsituation.
Thefirstaspectofsituationalengagementistohaveaclearleadershipaimthatisappropriatetothecontext.Forexample,ifacharismaticleaderisgivingaspeech,whatisitspurpose?Isittoengage?Inspire?Warn?Reassure?Havinganoverallaim,orseveralharmoniousaims,isanimportantfirststepinsituationalengagement.
Aimsareimportantforleadershipscenariosotherthanspeeches.Forinstance,ifacharismaticindividualtakesoverapositionofinfluenceinacompany,developingaclearstrategicobjectiveisavitalfirststeptoexertinginfluence.Withoutthis,itisimpossibletoleadeffectively.Acharismaticleadershouldaskquestionssuchas:Whereisthiscompanycurrently?Whereisitgoing?Whatareitsstrengthsandweaknesses?Whataretheopportunitiesandthreatsitfaces?Onlybydevelopingafullpictureofwhatistakingplaceatthetimedoestheleaderthenhavethenecessaryinformationtodecideuponadirectionandobjective.
Culturalfactorsarealsovitalconsiderationswhencharismaticallyinfluencingasituation.Thiscanapplyinalocalorcompanysensesuchasthefactthatdifferentcountrieshavedifferentcustoms,norms,andappropriatemodesofbehavior,asdodifferentaudiencedemographics.Acharismaticleadershouldbeawareofthesecontextualnormsandadapthisorherownbehaviortoworkwithintheboundariesoftheaudience.
Companycultureisasimportantaslocalornationalculture.Differentcompanieshavedifferentwaysofdoingthings,whichisreflectedintheirchoiceofbranding,companystructure,andgeneralphilosophiesinfluencingeverydayoperations.Acharismaticleaderisabletoascertainsuchculturalfactorsanduse
operations.Acharismaticleaderisabletoascertainsuchculturalfactorsandusethemtoboostcharisma.Sowhatarethefactorstolookfor?
Let’scomparetwotypesofcompanies:thetraditionalbureaucraticcompanyandthemodern,moreliberaltypeofcompany,suchasatechstartup.Thedresscode,choiceoflanguage,andgeneral“energy”ofeachcompanyislikelytobevastlydifferent.Tooperateeffectivelyineitherenvironment,acharismaticleaderisrequiredtobeabletoalmostconstructaVenndiagrambetweenhisorherselfandthecompanyculture,seekingasmanyareasofadaptiveoverlapaspossibleinordertobecomeeffectivewithinanyparticularculturalcontext.
Oncetheculturalblueprintofeitheraregionorcompanyhasbeendetermined,andthecharismaticleaderhasthoughtaboutwaysofoverlappingwhotheyarewithwhattheyface,itisimportanttotranslatethesespecificideasofoverlapintoactionablebehaviors,words,anddeeds.
If,forexample,acharismaticleaderisgivingaspeechwithinabureaucraticcontext,theleadershouldseekastoryfromhisorherlifethatcanresonatewithinsuchacontext.Thestorycanthenalsobedeliveredusinglanguagethatissuitablefortheenvironmentandwithbodylanguageappropriateforthesituation.Theleaderisstillbeingauthenticandcharismatic,butinawaysuitablefortheenvironment.
Somepeoplehaveabeliefthatthisformofsituationaladaptationissomehowdishonestorimmoral.Thisisfarfromthetruth.Ifyouwerecasuallygoingforcoffeewithfriends,wouldyoudressandtalkacertainway?Probably.Ifyouweregoingtoafuneral,wouldyoudressandtalkdifferently?Let’shopeso!Inbothsituations,youwouldbeyourauthenticself,justanappropriateversionforthesituation.Leadershipscenariosarenodifferentfromeverydaylifeinthissense.
LargeAudienceEngagement
LargeAudienceEngagement
Engagingalargegroupofpeopleisacontextthatcallsforadaptation.Thissectionwillusethescenarioofdeliveringatalktoalargeaudiencetoexplainandillustratethisconcept.
Thefirsttypeofsituationalengagementacharismaticleadershouldseektodeployisanunderstandingofhowtointeractwiththeirgivenaudience.Somepossibletypesofinteractionincludeacall-and-response,askingforvolunteerparticipation,orpausingforlaughterorapplause.Itisimperativetonotethateachofthesetacticsisdependentuponthesituationencounteredandtheappropriatenessofthegivensituation.
Acall-and-responsestyleofdeliveryisappropriateforhigherenergy,lessformalcontexts.Amotivationaltalkisagreatexampleofthis.WhenmotivationalspeakerTonyRobbinsisinteractingwithacrowd,hewillfrequentlyelicitverbalagreementresponsesfromthecrowd.Whatisthepurposeofdoingso?Itisthreefold.First,theaudienceremainsfocused,astheyareengagingwith,ratherthanpassivelyreceiving,thecontent.Secondly,theaudience’senergylevelriseswiththecollectivesoundoftheroom.Haveyoueverbeeninanenvironmentwherepeoplearecollectivelyverbalizing,perhapsatarockconcert,religiousservice,orsportingevent?Ifso,youwillknowthepowerofcollectiveverbalresponse.Thethirdandfinalpurposeforcall-and-responseaudienceengagementistoestablishtheframeofthespeakerbeingincontrol.
Askingforvolunteersfromtheaudiencehasbothrisksandrewards.Therightvolunteerswilladdaudienceinterestinthetalkandalsomakeitmorerelatable.However,thewrongtypeofvolunteercanchangethevibeofatalkinappropriatelyorruinitssmoothprogression.Agreatwayaroundthisistoplantknownvolunteersintheaudience,whichallowsallofthebenefitsofvolunteerparticipationtoberetainedwhilethenegativeaspectsareeliminated.
volunteerparticipationtoberetainedwhilethenegativeaspectsareeliminated.
Apauseforlaughterisanappropriateaudienceresponseduringalightheartedorpositivetalk.Acoupleofwell-timedjokesarepowerfultoolstoraisetheenergyandmoodoftheroom.Therearesomeimportantcaveatstobeawareofsuchasutilizingjokessparingly.Toomanyjokeswillturnaspeechintoastand-upcomedyperformanceandreduceitsimpact.Also,pausingforlaughterrequirescarefulattunementfromtheleaderspeaking.Iftheaudienceisnotlaughing,donotpauseawkwardlyanddonotrepeatthejokeinadesperateneedforaresponse.Ifaparticularjokedoesn’thit,nobigdeal.Moveonlikenothinghappened.
Pausingforapplauseissimilartopausingforlaughterinsomeways.Itisagoodideatohave“impactpoints”inaspeechinwhichapplausemightbeappropriate.Acharismaticspeakershouldbeawareoftheseinordertoknowwhentopotentiallypauseforapplause.Similarlytopausingforlaughter,pausingforapplauseshouldnotbesustainedorforced.Ifthecrowddoesn’tapplaud,that’sfineandyoushouldjustmoveon.Don’twaitawkwardlyorlookvisiblydisturbedbyalackofresponse.Stayingincontrolatalltimesisessentialtomaintainacharismaticpresencewhilepublicspeaking.
Thefinalprincipleunderpinningaudienceengagementistheunderstandingoftheheartsandmindsofthepeopleyouarespeakingto.Bymodifyingyourtalkorspeechtoincludeaspectsoflifetheaudiencearepassionateaboutandwillrespondstronglyto,youareensuringtheaudiencewillfeelappreciated,understood,andinfluenced.Whencarryingoutthistechniqueitisimportanttodosoauthentically.Tryingtoshoehorninacoupleoftokenreferencestosomethingyouhalf-heartedlyexpectyouraudiencetorespondtowillkillcharismarapidly.Theepitomeofthisistherockbandthatgreetsthewrongcitywhileperforming.Avoidsuchmistakesatallcosts,orkissyourcharismagoodbye.
IndividualEngagement
Therearebothsimilaritiesanddifferenceswhenadaptingtoandengagingwithindividualsratherthanaudiences.Thefirstapproachtotakeistothinkthroughthefollowingthreequestions.
1. WhoamIinteractingwith?2. Whatisthesituationathand?3. Whatistherightwaytoapproachthisparticularpersoninthis
particularsituation?
Thisflexible,nuancedformofpersonalmanagementisakeytechniqueforadaptingto,andinfluencing,individuals.
Let’sexploreeachstageinfurtherdetail.
Steponeistherecognitionthatpeoplearedifferent.Somepeopleareconfident,othersshy.Somepeoplearepositive,othersnegative.Therearemany,manyvariationsofindividualpersonality.Knowingtherightwaytoreachthespecificpersonyouareengagingwithatthetimeisanessentialpartofinfluencingthemcharismatically.
Knowingthesituation,aswellastheperson,iscrucial.Areyouspeakingtothemtocongratulatethem?Areyouwarningthem?Firingthem?Whateverthesituationhappenstobe,youarerequiredtoadaptyourapproachaccordingly.
Onceyouhaveafullunderstandingofthepersonyouareinteractingwithandthereasonyouareinteractingwiththem,youcanprepareyourapproach.Differentpeoplewillneedtobespokenwithindifferentwaysdependingontheirspecificsituationatthetime.Forexample,thesamepersonwouldrequireatotallydifferentapproachdependingonwhetheryouweretryingtowarnorreassurehimorher.
reassurehimorher.
Somefactorstothinkaboutwhenpreparingyourapproachtoindividualengagementincludebeingawareofthelanguageyouareusing,thetypeofenergyyouareprojecting,thepaceatwhichyouspeak,andyourbodylanguage.Theguidingprinciplebehindallofthesespecificchangesshouldbe“whatdoIneedtodotogettheoutcomeIwant?”
Eventhebestapproachislimited.Youneedtobepreparedtoadaptyourintentionsasthecourseoftheinteractionprogresses.Forexample,ifyouhadintendedtoboostaperson’smorale,youmayhavefeltthatsomeappropriatejokeswouldbeagoodwaytogoaboutthis.If,however,thejokesarenothelping,letthemgo.Thereisnothinglesscharismaticthanstubbornlypersistingwithanintendedapproachregardlessofwhetheritisworking.Realtimecalibrationandadjustmentisthereforecrucialduringindividualinteraction.
Manyinfluencersofthepastwentintointeractionswiththeoutlookof“winning.”Theywantedtogetasmuchastheycouldfromtheothersidewhilegivinglittleinreturn.Thisisanexampleofshort-termthinking,whichisnotsustainableinthelongrun.Ifanotherpartyreceivesabaddeal,theywillbecomeunhappyandunwillingtodobusinessinthefuture.Itisthereforeimportanttofindawin/winagreement.
Whatismeantbywin/win?Itisfindinganoverlapbetweenthetwoparties’interestsandaims.Forexample,imagineyouareanemployeraskinganemployeetoworklongerhours.Goingintothisinteractionwiththeoutlookof“Iamtheboss;doasyouaretoldorfindanewjob,”mayormaynotwork,butitisunlikelytoworkwell.Itisanexampleofyouwinningandyourworkerlosing.Thisisnotgoodinthelongrun.Abetterapproachwouldbetoexplainthat,inexchangeforlongerhours,heorshewouldgainsomethingvaluableinreturn.Thiscouldbeextravacationday,afinancialbonus—whateverisbothvaluableandrealisticforyoutooffer.
andrealisticforyoutooffer.
Itisalsoimportanttoremaincalm,collected,andincontrolduringanyone-on-oneinteraction.Thesesituationscanbeincrediblystressfulandtaxingonaleader’spowersofcalmandresolve.Nomatterhowmuchprovocationtakesplace,itisimportantfortheleadertonotlettheiroutwardcharismaticaspectsdeteriorate.Whatdoesthismeaninpractice?Ifyousetouttobeupbeat,friendly,andpositive,donotsuddenlybecomeangry,aggressive,andbitterifthepersondoesn’trespondasyouhoped.Atruecharismaticleaderisabletoremainincontrolandfollowtheintendedcourseofaction,nomatterwhatoccurs.
Chapter8:Meekness=Weakness:TheImportanceofAssertion
WhatisAssertion?
Assertionisanabsolutelyvitaltraitforcharismaticleaderstopossess.Likemanyotherconceptsfoundwithinthisbook,assertionisoftenmisunderstood.Inthepopularimagination,beingassertiveinvolvesbeingaggressive,forceful,andgettingyourownwaynomatterwhat.Thisisamistakenview.Inactuality,assertionrelatestounderstandingyourownneedsandrights,theneedsandrightsofothers,andfindingtheoverlapbetweenthetwo.
Theoppositeofbeingassertiveisbeingmeek.Meeknessisalsoknownasbeingapushover,a“walkinthepark,”orsomeonewhoisotherwiseweakandunabletogetwhattheyneedoutofasituation.Nosuchpersonischarismatic.Itisimpossibleforthemtobeso.
Inthischapter,youwilllearnaboutthecontrastbetweentheassertiveandthemeekandwhyoneispreferabletotheotherforcharismaticpurposes.Boththetheorybehindassertionanditspracticalapplicationwillbeexplored.Practicalstepsinyourpursuitofassertionwillbeofferedandtoolstoovercomeanystumblingblockswillbeprovided.
MeeknessDoesNotEquatewithCharisma
Thefirstimportantthingtounderstandismeeknessisnotbeinglabeledpoorly;itisjustworseforachievingcharisma.Ifyouknowameekperson,thisbookisnotcallinghimorher“bad.”Itisjustexplainingthatthepersonisnotlikelytobealeaderanytimesoon.Meekpeopleoftenreceivemanylabelssuchasnice,sweet,kind,etc.Whatpeoplereallymeanismeekpeopleareinoffensiveandno
threat;theydeservenospecialattention.
Thinkofthecontrastbetweensomeonewhoinherentlyleadsandsomeonewhoinherentlyfollows.Theleaderwishestoexertinfluence,pullthestrings,andremainincontrolinordertowitnessthemanifestationofhisorherworld.Afollowerdoesnothavesuchavision,noradesiretoinfluence,andishappytoplaytheroleofthefollowerinthegrandschemeofthings.
However,bothleadersandfollowersarenecessaryforlifetoworkasintended.Ifyouaredevelopingyourcharisma,youarelikelytobeinclinedtowardsleadershipandunderstandingandembracingyourroleisimportant.
Sowhataboutanassertivepersonissocharismatic?Someonedisplayingthetypeofassertivebehaviordescribedinthischapterisindicatingthattheyareincontrolofhisorherlife.Anassertivepersonhasahighlevelofself-awarenessandhisorherneedsinanygivenscenario.Thereisalsoahighlevelofsocialawareness,asassertivepeopleareabletoensuretheirneedsaremet.
Asweprogressthroughthischapter,youwillseethedistinctivefeatureofassertivepeopleistheirabilitytogetwhattheywantinawaythatisacceptabletoothers.Thisisthedifferencebetweenacharismaticpersonpracticingassertionasopposedtoaselfishpersonouttogetasmuchastheycan.
Calm,PositiveAssertion
Inordertoensurethatassertionremainscharismatic,itisimportanttokeepitcalmandcontrolled.Onecommonreactiontopeoplebeingunabletogetwhattheywantistolosetheirtemperandstartmakingdemands,threats,andgettingangry.Ifyouhaveeverbeenaroundathree-year-old,youwillbefamiliarwiththisconcept.Genuinecharismaticadults,however,havelearnedthataskingforthingsintherightwayisamoreproductiveapproach.Eveniftheyareunabletogettheirneedsmetinaparticularscenario,theyarelikelytosomewhereelse
gettheirneedsmetinaparticularscenario,theyarelikelytosomewhereelsewhilealsokeepingtheirdignityandreputationintactintheprocess.
Thereasonwhythiscalmstyleofassertionischarismaticissomeonewhogetsangryisshowingthatheorsheisnotincontrolofhimorherself,letaloneanythingelse.Angerandaggressionalsoshutalotofpeopledowninstantly.Therearemanyscenariosinlifewherepeoplecouldhaveeventuallyacquiredwhattheywantediftheyhadremainedcalmandpersistentlysoughtitintherightway.Byshoutingormakingthreats,ontheotherhand,itoftenself-sabotagesanychanceofmakingthingsgoaccordingtoplan.
Thisisnottosaythatforcefulbehaviorandwordshavenoplaceatall,buttheyarenottherightapproachwithregardstocharismaticassertion.
SeekingWin/Win
Theideaofwin/winwasintroducedinthelastchapterbutitwillbeappliedmorefullynow.
Charismaticassertionisabsolutelyinharmonywiththewin/winidealbecauseanassertivelycharismaticpersonisabletofindanoverlapbetweentheneedsofothersandthevisiontheleaderhasinmind.Peopleareonlyreallyreadytogiveeverythingtoaleader,andhisorhervision,iftheybelieveinitaswellandseethebenefits.
Onecommonareaofapplicationforwin/winiswhenseekingapayrise.Alotofemployeesintheworldfeeltheydeservearaise,butareafraidtoaskforoneorunsureofhowtodoso.Theprinciplesofwin/winareincrediblyusefulinthisscenario.Acharismaticemployeeisabletocalmlyandconvincinglystatetotheemployerwhyheorshedeservessucharaiseandwhyitwillbenefitbothparties.Eveniftheemployerisunabletogranttheraiseatthetimeofasking,heorshemaybeimpressedbythecalmlyassertivewayinwhichtherequesttookplace.Thisislikelytobebeneficialfortheemployeeinthelongrun.
place.Thisislikelytobebeneficialfortheemployeeinthelongrun.
Thinkingaboutromanticrelationshipsthroughthelensofcharismatic,win/winassertionisalsoahelpfulapproachtotake.Manyofthebehaviorsthatdestroyrelationshipsstemfromgoingaboutthingsinawaycontrarytothischarismaticidea.Forexample,alotofpeopleinrelationshipsaresofocusedongettingtheirownwaythattheyendupneglectingtheneedsofthepersontheyarewith.Itispossible,andpreferable,tohaveawin/winapproachtoromance.Byknowingwhatyourpartner,andyou,needfromarelationship,itiseasiertoensurebothpeoplearehappy.
TakingAction
Anotherkeycomponentofcharismaticassertionisbeingabletoensurethatanyideasyouhavearetranslatedintoaction.Thereisnouseinreadingcountlessbooks,includingthisone,ifyouareunwillingtoactuponwhatyouhaveread.Assertionisintendedasanactionratherthananidea.Let’slookatsomepracticalstepsyoucanusetoincreaseyourlevelsofcharismaticassertion.
Thefirstimportantsteptotakeistounderstandtheplaceinyourlifeyouarein.Thisinvolvesassessingthedegreetowhichyouarecurrentlyassertive.Askyourselfquestionssuchas:WhendidIlastactassertively?Whatwastheoutcome?AretheretimesIfinditdifficulttobeassertive?Whendotheseoccur?Why?Onceyouunderstandyourcurrentassertiveability,yougainabasisuponwhichtoimproveit.
Onceyouhaveestablishedtheaspectsofassertionyouneedtoworkon,youcanbegintochartyourprogressandgainanunderstanding.Applytheideasinthischapterandseehowtheyworkforyou.Whichdoyoufeelareuseful?Whichdoyoufeelaremoredifficultthanothers?Onceyoubegintoestablishthislevelofinformation,youwillbeabletostartmakingassertionworkforyourlifeandtheobjectivesyouhave.
objectivesyouhave.
ChoiceofWords
Interestingly,thewordsyouusetoexpressyourselfareanimportantpartofyourabilitytobeassertive.Choosewordswhichempoweryouandarecompatiblewithyourcharismaticaims.Precisely,whichwordsshouldyoubethinkingabout?
Alotofthetime,peopleconsciouslyusedisempoweringlanguagethroughhabit.Howmanytimeshaveyouheardsomeonesay,“Ihadto”or“You/theymademe”?Thinkaboutthesephrasesforasecond.Aretheyreallytrue?Outsideofsomeoneholdingaguntoyourhead,howoftendoyou“have”todothingsintoday’sworld?Dowenothaveachoiceinmostsituations?Evenifthechoiceisnarrow,itstillexists.Reframing“Ihadto”as“Ichosetoforthesereasons”changesthissimplelinguisticphraseintoanempoweredandassertiveone.
Let’slookat“You/theymademe”;isthisassertiveorcharismatic?Quitetheopposite.Itisapersonevadingtheirpersonalresponsibilityforthechoicestheymade.Contrastthiswith“Imadethatchoice.Iowntheconsequencesofit,”whichisamuchmorecharismaticapproachtoassertion.Thepersonspeakingregainscontrolofthesituationrecognizesthefactheorsheinfluencedit,andacceptswhateverarisesfromthedecisiontheymade.
OvercomingLimitingBeliefs
Alimitingbeliefisanyingrainedpatternofthoughtwhichpreventssomeonereachinghisorheraimsinlifeorholdsthembackfromahabit,whichwouldmovethemtowardsthelifetheywanttolive.Let’stakealookatsomeofthelimitingbeliefsrelatedtoassertionandhowtoovercomethem.
“Beingassertiveisrude.”Perhapsthemostcommonlyheldlimitingbeliefrelatingtoassertionisthat
Perhapsthemostcommonlyheldlimitingbeliefrelatingtoassertionisthatbeingassertiveisimpolite.Peopleoftenhavehadsomekindofbadexperiencewithapushypersonthathasinfluencedtheiropinionofassertiontowardsnegativity.Peoplealsooftenholdthisbeliefduetoamisunderstandingofwhatassertionis.
Toovercomethislimitingbelief,peoplemustfirstrealizewhytheyholdit.Somepeoplehavehadabadexperienceinthepast.Byrevisitingwheretheiroriginalopinionofassertionstemsfrom,suchpeopleareabletounderstandthereasonswhytheirviewofassertionisincorrect.Clearingpastbaggageoutthewayisanimportantfirststepinbecomingassertive.
Overcomingthelimitingbeliefrelatedtoanincorrectviewofassertioniseasier.Itisfairlystraightforwardtoexplaintosomeonethatassertioninvolvesamutualunderstandingandrespectbetweentheneedsandwantsoftwoparties.Oncethismistakenviewofassertionhasbeencorrected,itisuptoapersontounderstandhowassertionisinfactmutuallybeneficialandpositive.
“That’snothowIwasraised.”Beingheldbackbythebehavioroffamilymembersisastumblingblocktowardsassertionthatcanbedifficulttoovercome.Peoplewhofeelastrongsenseofconnectionwiththevaluesinstilledinthembytheirfamilymayseebecomingadifferentperson,anassertiveperson,assomeformofrebellionagainsttheirupbringing.Thiscanbedifficulttoovercome.
Thefirststepinovercomingalimitingbeliefofthistypeishelpingapersontoseethatchangingoneaspectofhowtheyaretowardsothersisnotarejectionoftheirfamily.Itisnothingmorethanasmall,manageablepersonalchange.Afterpeoplereallystopandconfrontthislimitingbelieflogically,itisusuallypossibletohelpthemseethattheirfamilywantsthemtobehappy,andifassertionhelpswithhappiness,itissomethingtheirfamilywouldsupport.
“Itgoesagainstmyculture.”Itisanundeniablefactthatdifferencesbetweenculturalnormsexistbetweencountries.Tosaysoisnotinanywayprejudicedordiscriminatory.Itissimplyrecognizingthattheworldisarichplacefullofdiverseculturesandideas.Theproblemoccurswhensomeoneletshisorhernationalidentityholdhimorherbackfrombecomingassertive.Therearetwomainformsofthislimitingbelief:someoneoperatingwithinhisorherownnationalcultureandsomeoneoperatingoutsidehisorherownnationalculture.
Ifsomeonewasraisedinaculturelessassertivethantheoneheorshenowoperatesin,itispossibletohelphimorherovercometheseboundariesquickly.Pointingouttothepersonthathisorherlackofassertionmayhavebeenappropriateforanotherculture,butislesssofortheonecurrentlyin,helpshimorhertounderstandtheculturalrelativityofbehavior.Explainingtothepersonthatbecomingassertivewithinadifferentnationalcultureisnotrude,butsensible,canhelppeoplefindthepracticalbenefitsofdoingso.
“I’vetriedbeforeanditdidn’tworkforme.”Thisisanexcuseyouhearinmanyareasoflifeandassertionisnodifferent.Peoplewhofeelthattheyhavetriedtobemoreassertiveinthepast,butitdidn’tworkoutwellforthem,oftenassumethatitwon’tinthefuture.Thereismorethanonereasonwhysomeonemayholdabeliefsuchasthis.
Thefirstmajorreasonisamisunderstandingofwhatbeingassertiveis.Perhapssomeonetriedtobeaggressiveinthepast,itdidn’twork,andasaresulthavemistakenlywritten-offbeingassertiveinthepresent.Ifsomeoneholdsthislimitingbelief,itisimportanttoexplorepastactions.Itwilloftenbethecasethatheorshedidnottrygenuineassertioninthepastandhavesincedismissedtheconceptincorrectlyorperhapstriedsomethingclosetogenuineassertion,butinawrongsituation.
inawrongsituation.
Onlybyfindingthepastmistakeisitpossibletocorrectthefutureaction.Untilsomeoneknowswhereheorshewentwrong,itwillbedifficulttomakethingsgoright.Fixingthislimitingbelief,andthetechniquefordoingso,cangreatlyhelppeopleinalmostanyareaoflifecurrentlyfailing.
“There’snopoint.”Thelimitingbeliefofthinkingassertionispointlesstypicallystemsfromtwopossibleareas:agenuineviewthatitispointlessorusingthisideaasanexcusetoavoidtakingaction.Eachcanbeovercomeinaslightlydifferentway.
Ifsomeonethinksthatassertionisinfactpointless,thewaytoovercomethisbeliefistohelphimorherrealizethemanybenefitsofassertion,bothfortheindividualandthepeopletheyinteractwith.Suchapersoncanhaveanewviewofassertionreinforcedthroughself-examinationandthecultivationofreferenceexperiences.
Ifsomeoneisusingthislimitingbeliefasanexcusefortakingaction,theremedyistomakethepainofinactiongreaterthanthepainofaction.Whatdoesthismean?Peopleavoiddoingsomethingbecauseitseemslikethebestchoiceforthem.Thehumanbrainisrationalandweighsthebenefitsofactionagainstthecostofaction.Whenyoucanmaketakingactiononbecomingassertivemorepopularandattractivethanremaininginactive,itisalmostinevitablethatthejourneytowardsassertionwillbegin.
Chapter9:TheCharismaticMind:IntelligenceisYourAlly
Thischapterwillexplorethefacetsofintelligence,initsvarioustypes,thathelptosupportcharisma.Theimportanceofcombiningemotionalintelligencewithcognitiveintelligencetoformcharismaticintelligencewillbeemphasizedandappliedtovariouspossiblescenariosyouwillfaceinyourlife.Youwilllearnthepowerofmakingbigideasunderstandableandwhyitisimportanttouseexamplestoillustratewhenexplainingthingstopeople.Thechapterwillconcludewithanexplorationofintelligentstorytellingandhowitcanserveyourcharismaticjourney.
EmotionalIntelligence+CognitiveAbility=CharismaticIntelligence
Throughoutthisbook,theideaofbeingeithercognitivelyintelligentoremotionallyintelligentalonehasbeenshowntonotbeenough.Combiningthesetwoideastomakeapotentformulaleadtocharismaticintelligence.
Acommonmistakewhenattemptingtocultivatecharismaticintelligenceistopursueemotionalandcognitiveintelligenceseparatelyatfirst,beforeattemptingtoforcethemtogetherinsomehaphazardwayfurtherdowntheline.Thisapproachcanwork,butitisnotoptimal.Abetterideaistofocusoncultivatingcomplementaryformsofemotionalandcognitiveintelligencesinthefirstplace.
Howcanemotionalandcognitiveintelligencebecultivatedtogetherinthesameprocess?Itisimportanttothinkabouthoweachformofintelligenceyouarepursuingwillworkwiththeotherinthelongrun.Thisideaiseasierunderstoodthroughexamples.
Imagineyouaretryingtopursuecharismarelatedtoprovidingfinancialadvice.Whatarethetwoareasofintelligencethatwouldserveyou?Thefirstwouldbe
Whatarethetwoareasofintelligencethatwouldserveyou?Thefirstwouldbecognitivefinancialintelligence;thesecondwouldbeemotionalfinancialintelligence.Let’stakealookattheseinturnbeforeexploringhowtheyworktogether.
Cognitivefinancialintelligencerelatestothetechnical,mental,andmathematicalaspectoffinance.Forexample,understandingincome,taxation,savings,interest,compounding,anddebt.Thisisthetechnicalsideoffinance,the“logical”intelligenceasopposedtotheemotional.Withoutagoodamountofcognitivefinancialintelligence,itisdoubtfulthatanyoneyouwishtoadvisewouldbehappytofollowyourideas.Soisthiscognitivefinancialintelligenceenoughalone?
Itisn’t.Withanyhumanbehavior,thereisarationalandanemotionalsideatplay.Charismaticleadersunderstandthisandareabletomakeuseoftheconcepttoservetheirownaimsinlife,whatevertheyhappentobe.Usingourexampleofsomeoneseekingtobecomeacharismaticfinancialadvisor,itisimportanttounderstandthatpeoplewillnotbecharismaticallyinfluencedbysomeonewhohasahighdegreeoftechnicalknowledgealone.Ifheorshecannotconveythisknowledgetopeopleinanimpactfulway,itisasgoodasuseless.Sohowwouldacharismaticfinancialadvisorseektodevelophisorheremotionalintelligence?
Someaspectsofemotionalintelligencethatarerelatedtothefieldoffinanceincludethereasonswhypeoplespendwhattheydo,thepsychologicalmotivationsandfearsrelatedtofinance,andanytypeofemotionaltechniquewhichhasprovedpowerfultofinancialadvisorsofthepast.Aswehavediscussed,itisessentialtopossessrelevantemotionalintelligencealongsidecognitiveintelligence.Buthowcantheybepursuedjointlytoprovidetheoptimumlevelofcharismaticintelligence?
Insteadofthinkingofthetwoareasasseparatefieldsofstudy,thecharismaticlearnershouldthinkofcognitiveandemotionalintelligenceastwostrandsofthe
learnershouldthinkofcognitiveandemotionalintelligenceastwostrandsofthesamerope.Knowinghowthestrandslinktogether,andtherightwayinwhichtheylink,helpstostrengthentheropeandmakeitasdurableaspossible.Sohow,inpracticalterms,canthisropeanalogybeapplied?
Whilethinkingaboutacognitivefinancialtopic,thepossessorofcharismaticintelligencewouldseektoconstantlythink,“Howdoesthisidealinkintomyemotionalknowledge?”Conversely,whenpursuinganemotionaltopic,thequestion,“Howdoesthistieintothecognitivesideoffinance?”shouldbeaskedregularly.Wewillexploreaspecificexplorationofthisthroughtheuseoftwotopics-motivationandinterest.
Acharismaticfinancialadvisorwouldseektounderstandmotivationandinterestseparately,butalsohowtheytieintooneanother.Forexample,whenconsideringcompoundinterest,thecharismaticadvisorwouldalsoconsiderhowpeoplecanbeemotionallyimpactedtounderstandthevalueofcompoundinterestandpursueitthroughaction.Emotionalandcognitivetopicsarenotviewedinisolationbutasinterlinkingpiecesofthesamepuzzle.Thisisthetrulycharismaticapproachtothepursuitofappliedintelligence.
SimplifyBrilliance
Theabilityofacharismaticindividualtomakeadifficultconceptrelatabletoeverydaypeopleisahallmarkoftruecharisma.Italsotiesinwiththetheoryoflookingatboththecognitiveandemotionalaspectsofatopicandmakingthemworkinharmony.Thisideacanbeunderstoodthroughtheconceptofnewspaperheadlines.
Thinkofanewspaperheadline.Itspurposeistoconveybothcognitiveandemotionalinformationtoareaderinasuccinctway.Headlineswillusuallyrelatetoaverycomplexissueaboutwhichthousandsofwordscanbewritten.Theskillinaneffectiveheadlinethoughisboilingdownthecomplextothe
Theskillinaneffectiveheadlinethoughisboilingdownthecomplextothesimpleandmakingitworkonbotharationalandemotionallevel.Charismaticinfluencersareabletodosomethingsimilar.
Manycomplexideasovertheyearshavebeenboileddowntotheirfactual,butalsocaptivating,essence,andthishashelpedpeopletounderstandandappreciatethem.ThinkabouttheBigBangTheoryforexample;ifyoureadaboutthisindetail,yourheadwillspin.Itinvolvessomeofthemostcomplextechnicalideasthatmankindhaseverdiscovered.Thesimplecombinationoftwowords-BigBang-makessomethingverydifficultverysimple.Thephrasecapturestheessenceoftheideaanddoessoinaninterestingway.
Totakeanotherexample,thinkoftheterm“Smartphone;”thisissimple,understandable,andworksonanemotionallevel—thephoneis“smart.”Howfuturisticandenticingisthat?Imagineanalternativename,possibly“Internetenabledmulti-functionalcommunicationsdevice.”Thisismorecognitive,butlacksanyemotionalimpactandisalsonotsimple.Mostpeoplewillswitchoff,nottakeinthenameandbeturnedoffbytheconceptcompletelybecauseofit.
Tobecometrulycharismaticinwhicheverfieldoflifeyouchoosetopursue,youneedtocultivatetheabilitytotakedifficultconceptsandsimplifytheminawaywhichcanbeunderstoodbothintellectuallyandemotionallyatthesametime.Doingthisprovidesagreatdealofpowerandalsovalueforthoseyouareaimingtoinfluence.Peoplearealwaysgratefulandfascinatedwhensomethingpreviouslyoutofreachismadeaccessible.
TheAbilitytoIllustratewithExamples
Usingcharismaintelligentlyismorethanjustbeingabletotakedifficultconcepts,relatethemonanemotionalandintellectuallevel,andboilthemdownforthesakeofsimplicity.Alotofpeoplewillfindthisconceptinteresting,butnotnecessarilyuseful.Tobecometrulycharismatic,youneedtobeabletoshow
peoplewhyanideamattersfortheirlifeandhowtheycanuseit.Thisisknownascharismaticapplication.Beingabletoexplainwhypeoplecan,andshould,useyourideasisapowerfultoolinyourcharismaticarsenal.
Tofindthemostusefulcharismaticexamplestoofferwithinanysphereofinfluence,itisusefultothinkaboutthemainproblemsyouraudiencefaceandhowyoucanhelpthemsolvethem.Thisisusefulfortworeasons;first,byhelpingpeopledealwiththethingsthatmattermostintheirlives,youareofferingahugeamountofvalueandmakingarealdifference.Thisinandofitselfwillenhanceyourreputationasacharismaticleader.Secondly,byengagingpeopleonthisdeeplevelofvalue,youareshowingyourintellectualandemotionalintelligencesimultaneously.
Sohowdocharismaticleadersgoaboutfindingtherightareasoflifetohelptheirfollowers?Onecommonwayofapproachingthisistobeginwiththeareaoflifethatthecharismaticpersondealswithpersonally.Let’stakeabusinessleaderwhohasrisenthroughtherankstobecomeaninfluentialexecutive.Thispersonwillbeabletorelatetothestruggleandchallengesthatpeoplesettingoutonthesamejourneywillexperience.Fromhispersonalexperiences,thisleaderwillbeabletodrawuponintellectuallyandemotionallyrelevantexamplesandspeakdirectlytothoseheleads.
Indirectexperienceisalsousefulforfindingthepainpointswithwhichtohelpfollowers.Let’staketheexampleofatherapistwhohasspentyearstreatingpatients.Overtheyearsthistherapistislikelytohaveencounteredsimilarsituationsarisingagainandagain.Thisprovidesanexperiencedroadmaptowardsthepainpointsthataremostcommonwithinthisparticularareaoftherapyandhowtosolvethem.Ifthistherapistwishestoexpandtheirsphereofcharismaticinfluencebeyondtheirimmediatetherapeuticservices,heorshehasaroadmapthatwillhelpidentifythekeyareastoreachawiderfollowinginthefuture.
future.
IntelligentStorytelling
Storytellingisatechniquewhichcanbeusedintelligentlyforthepurposesofcharismaticinfluence.Whatarethewaysinwhichintelligentcharismaticstorytellingdiffersfromregularstorytelling?Intelligentstorytellingdrawsuponalloftheprecedingconceptsinthischapterinordertomakeapowerfulimpactuponthosewhoencounterit.Wewillnowbreakdownandanalyzehowalloftheseconceptscombineintocharismaticstorytellingandhowthetechniquecanbeusedinvariousareasoflife.
First,anintelligentcharismaticstoryshouldneverbetoldforitsownsakeormerelytoentertain.Itshouldbeintendedtoinfluenceandimpactthosewhohearitaccordingtothevisionandwishesofthecharismaticleadertellingthestory.Keepingthepurposeofanygivencharismaticstoryfirmlyinmindisessentialtomakesureitisasusefulaspossible.
Secondly,anygivencharismaticstoryshouldbeeithercreatedor,attheveryleast,adaptedfortheaudiencethathearsit.Keepinmindthevaluesandreferencestheaudiencesharesandworktheseintothestorywhereverpossible.Ifanaudiencefeelsasifthestorytheyhearhasbeencreatedfortheirparticularneeds,itislikelytohaveafargreaterimpact.
Third,thestorymustworkonbothanintellectualandemotionallevelsimultaneously.Whatdoesthismean?Thestoryshouldmakesense,haveaflow,andworkonabasicintellectuallevel.Thisonitsownisnotenoughthough;thestoryisalsorequiredtocontainembeddedemotionalspikes.Thismeansthatthelogicalpathofthestoryisnotenoughonitsown.Thelogicalplotalsoneedstocontaindetails,whichresonatewiththeheartofthosehearingit.
Finally,thestoryshouldbeabletoexplainapowerfulconceptinasimpleway.Thinkaboutsomeofthemostcharismaticpeoplethroughouthistory.The
Thinkaboutsomeofthemostcharismaticpeoplethroughouthistory.TheparablesofJesusChristmadespiritualwisdomaccessiblethroughmemorablestoriesthatwereeasytounderstand.ThespeechesofDr.MartinLutherKingmadecomplexracialandsocialideasemotionallyandintellectuallymovinginthefewestwordspossible.
HowtoApplyIntelligentStorytelling
Storytellingtoldusingtheprinciplesofcharismaticintelligenceisabletoreachawiderangeoflife’sareas.Withintheprofessionalsphere,almosteveryindustrymakesuseofthistypeofstorytellingatonetimeoranother.Thiscanhappenonbothindustrialandcompanylevels.
Thinkofanygivenindustry.Let’stakeprofessionalsports,forexample.Legendarystoriesareoftentoldofthegreatplayersandcoachesofthepast.ThinkaboutthestoryofMichaelJordanorVinceLombardi.Theirtalesaretoldinawaywhichinfluencesandinspirespeoplewithintheworldofsportsandoutsideit.Whenthesestoriesaretoldtheyarelikelytosatisfybothlogicallyandemotionally.Thisisanexampleofpowerfulstoriesoccurringatanindustriallevel.
Companieswithastrongculturearealsolikelytousecharismaticstorytellingtoenhancethefeelingofunitywithintheranksandalsotofurtherthecompany’svalues.Let’stakeAppleforexample.Appleisknownthroughoutthebusinessworldforhavingoneofthemostimmersiveandcharismaticculturesoutthere.Theirlateleader,SteveJobs,wastreatedasasaintbymanyfansandworkersofApple.Afterhisdeath,peoplearoundtheworldheldvigilsandtreatedhimlikeadepartedmartyr.Jobswastheepitomeofanabsolutecorporatelegend.Hisstatusandreputationwasenhancedbycharismaticpresentations.
Chapter10:Happiness:TheEmotionofCharisma
Thecoreemotionaldimensionofcharismaishappiness,whichmaysoundlikeastrangewordtouseforcharismaticpeople.Charismaticpeoplearetrulyhappy,however,nottheshallowimitationofhappiness,whichhasperhapscometobeassociatedwiththewordinthepopularimagination.
Inthischapter,wewillexplorethedifferencebetweengenuinehappinessandforcedhappinessandwhyonehelps,astheotherharms,charisma.Wewilllookattheprocessofutilizinghappinessinpursuitofcharismaandhowitcanbespecificallyappliedtoarangeofdifferentsituations.Theimportanceofwidespread,ratherthanselective,happinesswillbestated.Theimportanceoftherelationshipbetweenvalue,contribution,andhappinesswillbeexplored.Howtoradiatethesepositiveaspectsoutwardisthechapter’sfinalfocus.
Realvs.ForcedHappiness
Thefirstkeydistinctionthatmustbemadeisbetweenauthentichappinessandapaleimitationofhappinessthatmanypeoplemistakenlyassociatewiththeterm.
Ifforcedtoimagineahappyperson,youmightthinkofanannoyingindividualwhoisexcessivelyandirritatinglyupbeatallthetime;thekindofpersonwhoseenthusiasmisalwayssetto100%orsomeonewithabigcheesysmileandanemptysounding“positivephrase”foranyparticularoccasion.Thistypeofhappinesscanbeconsideredforcedandisnotthetypethatisassociatedwithcharisma.Sowhatisrealhappiness?
Realhappinessissubtle,supportedbytruth,andupliftingtothosewhoencounterit.Unlikefalsehappiness,peoplewhoarearoundgenuinehappinesswillfeelgratefulfor,ratherthanannoyedby,theexperience.Authentichappinessisunconditional,forthoseluckyenoughtopossessit,butnotinthe
happinessisunconditional,forthoseluckyenoughtopossessit,butnotinthesamewaythatfalsehappinessis.Whenasked,someonetakingthepathoffalsehappinesswouldprobablysaytheyarehappybecause“it’sthebestwaytobe”withoutbeingabletoexplainfurther.Someonewithrealhappinessisabletoidentifyspecificthingsinhisorherlifeheorsheisgratefulforandseeopportunitiesandblessingsineventhetoughestoftimes.Someonewithrealhappinessisapowerfulcharismaticleader.Thisisbecausetheyareabletoinspirethefeelingofauthenticpositivityandhappinessinothersaswellasthemselves.
GeneratePositivityInternallyFirst
Somepeoplemakethemistakeofthinkingthattheywillbeabletoinspireotherstobepositivewithoutfocusingontheirownlifefirst.Thisisamistake.Untilsomeonehasexperiencedgenuinehappinessandthebenefitsitoffers,thereisnopossiblewayheorshecanauthenticallyteachothersaboutsomethingheorshedoesnothavefirsthandknowledgein.Let’sconsiderthelogicofthisthroughtheuseofexamples.
Wouldyoubeinspiredtobecomerichbyapoorpersonbeggingonthestreet?Definitelynot.Similarly,ifanoverweightpersonwasgivingyouexerciseandworkouttips,wouldyoubelikelytotakethem?It’sdoubtful.Sohowcouldsomeonewhoisnotauthenticallyhappyhopetospreadthefeelingtoothers?
Ifyouarepursuingcharismaandfeelthatauthenticpositivityandhappinesscouldassistinyouraim,pleasetryoutthefollowingideasingeneratingitinyourself.Respectingyourbodyandmindisthefirststeptotake.Thismeansyouneedtoliveabalancedlife.Whatismeantbythis?
Tolivealifeofbalance,apersonmustidentifythevariousaspectsoflifethatmattertothem.Thesecouldincludework,relaxation,learning,health,hobbies,
etc.Afterfindingoutwhatmatterstoyou,youcanbegintoexaminehowmuchtimeyouspendbetweenthedifferentareas.Indoingthis,youwillbeabletoidentifyareasthatfeelunbalanced.Perhapsyouspendtoomuchtimeinoneareaandtoolittleinanother.Byrecognizingthisimbalance,youcanbegintotakestepstoreadjusthowyouspendyourtime.
Afterfindingoutifyouarelivingabalancedlife,itisimportanttomakebetteruseofyourtime.Schedulingactivitiescanbeusefulforthispurpose.Thisiseasierthaneverbefore.YourSmartphoneorlaptopwillhaveagreatcalendarfeature,whichyoucanusetoprioritizethethingsyouwanttogetdoneandallocateyourtimebetweenthedifferentareasofyourlifethatareimportanttoyou.
Anotherwayofcultivatingauthentichappinessinyourselfistofocusonspendingtimeconsciouslybeinggratefulforanythinginyourlifethatyouarehappyaboutorthankfulfor.Thishelpstobuildanattitudeofdeephappinessandpositivitythatisbasedonrealityratherthannaivety.Themoreyoutrainyourmindtofocusonthegoodthingsinlife,themoreitwilldoso.Gratitudeisanessentialsteptowardsbecomingaspositiveaspossibleonautopilot.Thehardestpartofdevelopingthishabitisthebeginning.Afterawhile,itwillbecomeyourdefaultmode,andanythingotherthangratitudewillseemstrange.
SpreadInternalPositivityUnconditionally
Wehavenowlookedatwaystocultivategenuineinternalpositivity.Thisisagreatfoundationtobeingabletousethetraitcharismatically.Itisnotenough,however.Thenextstepintheprocessistobegintransferringthisexternalattitudeofpositivityontoothers.Onecommonmistakepeoplemake,whenbeginningtotryandusethiselementofcharisma,istobecomeselectiveaboutwhomtobepositivearound.Let’stakealookatwhythismistakeissoseriousandhowitisdetrimentaltocharismainthelongrun.
Theproblemwithbeingpositivearoundsomepeopleandnotothersisthatitleadstopositivitycomingacrossassyntheticandshallow.Duetothenecessityofbeingauthenticinordertocomeacrossascharismatic,itisnotpossibletochoosewhenandhowtodisplaypositivity.Let’stakealookatanexampleinordertounderstandthisconceptmorefully.
Pictureaworkerwithinatypicalofficeenvironment.Thispersonmayhavedecided,rightly,thatbecomingmorecharismaticwillhelptogetfurtherinhisorherchosenprofessionalfield.Mistakenly,however,heorshethinksthatthisexpressionofpositivefeelingissomethingthatistobeusedcarefullyandonlyonpeople“worthy”ofinfluence.Duetothismistakenbelief,thepersonispositivearoundpeopleheorsheconsiderstobehighstatusandworthyofhisorherefforts.Otherpeople,however,noticethatthepersonisnotauthenticallypositiveandareabletoseethroughthedeceptionwhichistakingplace.
Theadditionalproblemwithbeingselectivelypositiveisitislikelytobenoticedbythepeopleitisintendedtoimpress.Forexample,ifsomeoneispositivetomanagersandotherauthorityfiguresonly,thesemanagersarealmostcertaintoknowthatthepersonisputtingonapositiveactratherthanshowingwhotheyreallyare.Howisthispossible?Peopleareabsolutelyattunedtosignsofauthenticbehavioronadeeplevel.Ifsomeoneis“acting”positively,therearelikelytobesmallcuesandindicationsintheirbehaviorthatdenotethisisnotwhotheyreallyare.Suchsmallsignsofinauthenticityarelikelytotriggeranuncomfortableresponseinthepeoplepickinguponthem.Thus,itisimportanttounderstandthatpositivityisonlyconducivetocharismawhenusedauthentically.
Sowhatdoestheoppositeofthislooklike?Howdoessomeonewhoisauthenticallypositiveseem?First,theyarenotselectiveaboutwhotheyexpresstheirpositivityaround.Atopmanagerisasworthyofpositivetreatmentasthe
personwhodeliversthecoffeeatlunchtime.Positivityistrulyandfreelyappliedtoanyonewhohappenstocomeacrosssuchacharismaticindividual,notjustaselectgroupthathavebeenchosenforstrategic,calculatedreasons.Wewillillustratethislimitlesspositivitywitharealworldexampleofaverycharismaticbusinessleader—SirRichardBranson,headoftheVirgingroup.
Inoneofhismanybusinessbooks,Bransonstateswhathebelievestobetheimportanceofgoingaboutlifeinanenthusiasticandpositiveway.Healsotalksaboutthenecessityofdeeplyvaluingeveryonewithinanorganization,notjustacertainfewpeople.ThisideaisfurthersupportedbyBranson’spersonaldesiretogettoknoweverymemberofhisstaffhepossiblycan,rightdowntothoseresponsibleforcleaningandothersimilarduties.Heexplainsthisisimportantduetothefactthatalmostanyonecanpossessvaluabletalentsandskillthatmaybeofusetothebusiness.HeillustratesthisideabyrecountingastoryofhowacleaningladyforVirginRecordsendedupbecomingatopmanagerduetothepositiveattitudeandotherintangiblequalitiesshewasabletodisplay.
Inordertomakeuseofthisunreservedpositivityinyourownlife,itisimportanttoactivelycultivatethecharacteristic.Thestartingpointistoexamineyourexistingapproachtopositivityandhowyouuseit.Areyoupositivearoundeveryoneoronlycertainpeople?Iftherearesomepeople,ortypesofpeople,thatyouarenotpositivearound,whydoyouthinkthiscouldbe?Istheresomementalstumblingblockholdingyoubackfrombeingmoreuniversallypositive?
Youneedtomakeclearinyourmindthebenefitsofbeingpositiveasadefaultstate.Thinkabouthoweveryoneisdeservingofyourpositivity.Thinkabouthowyounevertrulyknowwhois“deserving”ofpositivity,asjudgingpeoplebytheirstatusisamistake.Also,keepinmindthatifyouareselectivelypositive,itislikelytoresultinthoseyouneedtoperceiveyouaspositiveinsteadseeingyouasinauthentic.Theultimatetakehomemessageofallthisisbeingselectivelypositivewillhurtyoudeeply,whereasbeingauthenticallypositive
willdonothingbuthelp.
Sowhataresomesignsofgenuinepositivityyoucanshowtopeople?Smallthingsarepowerfulinthisarea.Forexample,greetingpeoplewithasmile,evenifyouaretiredorsad,makesahugedifference.Tryingtobringaslightlyhigherlevelofenergytothetablethanthepersonyouareinteractingwithalsomakesahugedifference.Findingsomethinggoodtosayaboutanygivensituationisanotherwayinwhichyoucanshowyourabilitytofindthepositiveaspectsoflife.
ProvideValue
Oneofthekeyconceptstokeepinmindwithregardstogenuine,charismaticpositivityistheprovisionofvalue.Thisisawayinwhichauthentic,charismaticpositivitydiffersfromshallow,inauthenticpositivity.Whatismeantbyvalue?Whenmanypeopleheartheexpressiontheythinkoffinancialvalue.Thisisnotreallythewayinwhichthewordisusedinthiscontext.Sowhatdowemeanbycharismaticvalue?
Value,inthissense,isbasicallybeingapersonwhoisabletooffersomethingtotheworldthatpeopleappreciate.Exactlywhatthisconstitutesisdifferentineveryinstance.Forexample,informationisvalue,butonlyifitisinformationthatpeopleneedandcanmakeuseof.Therefore,thetypeofinformationthatconstitutesvalueinagivensituationisentirelydependentuponwhatthepeopleareseekinginthatsituation.Let’stakealookatsomeofthesituationalwaysinwhichvaluecanbeunderstood.
Let’staketheexampleofalifecoachwhoaimstoinspirepeopletotakecontroloftheirlivesandmeettheirgoalsinvariousareas.Suchacoachwouldbeprovidingvaluetohisclients,butonlyaslongaswhathetaughtthemwasuseful.Ifsuchacoachhadstrategies,information,andideasthatcouldbegenuinelyutilized,suchacoachwouldbeprovidingvalue.
genuinelyutilized,suchacoachwouldbeprovidingvalue.
Outsideoftheabovecontext,however,suchacoachmightnotbeprovidingvalue,eveniftheywereofferingexactlythesameinformation.Let’ssay,forexample,thecoachofferedthesameinformationtoagroupofpeoplewhowerelookingtobetterunderstandnutrition.Althoughvaluabletothefirstcontext,theinformationwouldnotbevaluableinthecontextofthesecondscenario.Whatdoesthisgotodemonstrate?Thereisnoabsoluteideaofwhatconstitutesvalue.Thereareonlysituationaldemands.Socanyoufigureouthowtobevaluableinanygivensituation?
Thestartingpointofprovidingvalueistoapproachanygivensituationorpersonwithtwoquestionsinmind:Whatisneededhere?Howcanmyownskillsandexperiencesmatchwhatisneeded?Byaskingthesetwoquestions,apersonisabletodeterminetheoverlapbetweenwhatthesituationrequiresandwhatthepersonisabletooffer.Thisisthestartingpointforofferingvalue.
Anotherusefulapproachtotakeistheproblemsolvingmentality.Thisinvolvesfiguringoutwhatproblemsanorganization,personorsituationisfacing.Then,simplytryandfindanswerstotheproblems.Thisisoneofthekeydifferencesbetweensomeonewhoprovidesvalue,andisthereforecharismatic,andsomeonewhoisnotabletooffervalue.Peoplewhoarenotcharismaticareoftenabletoidentifyandfocusonproblems,butareunlikelytoknowhowtosolvethem.Charismaticpeopleare,atleast,abletofocusonthepotentialsolutionasmuchastheyareontheproblemitself.
AppropriatePositivity
Thefinalimportantnuancerelatingtocharismaticpositivityistheabilitytobe“appropriatelypositive”foranygivensituation.Whatismeantbythis?Justasprovidingvaluerequiresunderstandingwhatisneededinaparticularsituation,beingappropriatelypositiverequiresanunderstandingofthesituationalso.Let’s
beingappropriatelypositiverequiresanunderstandingofthesituationalso.Let’stakealookatsomeexamplesofhowtodeterminetheappropriatelevelofpositivityandwhatconstitutesappropriatepositivityandwhatarethemajormistakestoavoid.
Tobegin,whatexactlydowemeanby“appropriatepositivity?”Appropriatepositivityessentiallyinvolvesmatchingthepositiveprojectiontothesituationatthetime.Thisisbetterunderstoodthroughsomeexamples.Imagineasalesteamhasnotonlymet,butalsovastlyexceeded,theirquarterlysalestarget.Thisisatimewherepositivityshouldbefullyandenthusiasticallyexpressed.Languageborderingonthehyperboliccanbeused,whereasinothersituationsitwouldseemliketoomuch.
Let’scontrastthisabovescenariowiththeoppositeoutcome—asalesteamhasfailedtomeettheirexpectationsandtargetgoal.Somepeoplemightthinkthatsuchatimeisnotappropriateforpositivityinanyway.Theywouldbewrong.Charismaticleadersareabletobeappropriateinalmosteverysituation,butintherightway.Sowhatwouldbetherightwayinthisscenario?Itwouldinvolvestatingthattherearevaluablelessonstobelearned,anotherchancetomeetandexceedtargetsinthenextquarter,andthatmanypeoplehadgivenexcellentlevelsofeffort.
Sodoesbeingpositiveinthefaceofnegativecircumstancesmeanignoringthetruerealityofthesituation?Notatall;instead,itinvolveschoosingtofindandfocusonanygoodaspectsthathaveoccurred.Itisimportanttonotethatsuchgoodaspectsmustgenuinelyexist.Peopleknowwhentheyarebeingliedto,sosimplystatingpositiveshaveoccurredwhichhavenot,isabadtactictotake.
Let’slookatsomepracticalwaystoberealisticallyandappropriatelypositive.Themainwaytogoaboutthisisbyactivelyseekingtotrainthemindtofindsomethinggoodinanysituation.Thisismostdifficultwhenitisfirstpursued,butbecomeseasierovertime.Let’suseananalogytoexplainwhatismeantby
butbecomeseasierovertime.Let’suseananalogytoexplainwhatismeantbythis.
Imagineasportsteamjustplayedabigmatch,buthavefallenfarshortofexpectationsandwerebeatensoundly.Despitetheoveralloutcome,perhapstherewasoneperiodofthematchoroneplayerinparticular,whohadexcelled.Acharismaticleaderwouldbeabletorecognizethesebeneficialevents,whilestillbeingcompletelyrealisticaboutthedownsidesofwhathadoccurred.
Somepeoplewillbeaskingthequestion:Whatifthereisasituationwherenooneperformedwellandnothingwentright?Suchsituationsareveryrare,butlet’ssayonehasoccurred.Thiswouldbeagreatchanceforacharismaticleadertoexplainthatthelowestpointhadbeenreachedandonlygoodthingswouldfollow.
Youarenowequippedwithathoroughunderstandingofhowhappiness,andgenuinepositivity,contributetocharisma.Wewillnowexplorethemajormistakesyoucanavoidmaking,beforegoingontolookatsomeofthemostcharismaticpeoplethehumanracehaseverwitnessed,andthelessonsyoucanlearnfromthem.
Chapter11:HowtoKillCharisma:Don’tDigYourOwnGrave
Uptothispoint,wehaveexploredexactlywhatcharismaisandlookedatspecificwaysofbecomingmorecharismatic.Thebook’sfocushasbeenentirelyonwhatshouldbedoneandwaysofbecomingmorecharismatic.Wewillnowswitchfocustolookingattheforemostmistakestoavoidmakinginyourpursuitofcharismaticinfluence.Itisvitaltoknowwhattoavoidsince,likemanythingsinlife,charismacantakeyearstodevelop,butaninstanttokill.Toavoidself-sabotagingyourowncharisma,wewilllookatspecifictraitstoavoidandhowtheyapplyinawiderangeofdifferentsituations.
Indecisiveness
Indecisivenessisabsolutelycountertothecharismaticpersonality.Oneofthethingsaboutacharismaticleaderthatmakeshimorhersoappealingtofollowistheabilitytomakecleardecisionsandsticktothem.Ifyouthinkofanycharismaticleaderinanyfield,youaresuretorecognizehisorherabilitytoassessasituation,makeadecision,andstandbythatdecisiontoinciteoneofthemostpowerfulcharismatictechniquesavailabletohimorher.Sowhatexactlydowemeanbyindecisiveness?Whichsituationsdoesitapplytoandhowcanitbeavoided?
Indecisionissimplythestateofnotknowingwhattodo.Whyexactlyisthissodetrimentaltocharisma?Alargepartofcharismaticinfluenceandleadershipisinspiringpeopletotakeacertaincourseofaction.Ifyouareunabletomakeadecisionregardingthecorrectcourseofactiontofollow,itisimpossibletoinspireothers.Sowhataresomeofthemainreasonswhypeopleareindecisive?
Oneprimaryreasonforindecisionisgenuinelynotknowingthebestcourseof
actiontotake.Thiscanoccurforanumberofreasons;tostart,sometimespeopleareunawareofthefieldorcontextthattheirdecisionmustapplyto.Forexample,ifamanagerjoinsanewcompany,heorshemaybeunawareofthenuancesofthatparticularindustryandthusunabletooperateeffectivelywithinit.Inexperienceisthereforeamajorreasonforbeingunawareofthebestdecisiontomake.
Secondly,peopleareoftenunsureoftherightdecisiontomakeduetobeingpresentedwithdifferentoptionsandbeingunabletodecidebetweenthem.Thiscanbeavoidedifaleaderisequippedwiththeskilltoevaluatearangeofoptions,chooseone,andpursueitrelentlessly.Sohowdoesaleadergoaboutthisprocessofevaluation?Thekeyprincipleistothink,“whataretheaimsofthesituationandwhichofmychoicesisbestsuitedtotheaims?”Thisideaiseasiertounderstandthroughtheexplorationofanexample.
Let’stakeahumanresourcesmanagerwhohasbeentaskedwithhiringanewmemberofthestaff.Themanagermayhavearangeofstrongapplicants,butisimpressedbytwoinparticular.Ofthesetwostrongcandidates,itwouldbeuptothemanagerinchargeofhiringtochoosea“bestfit”approach.Thebesthirewouldbetheonethatwastheclosestmatchfortherequirementsoftherole.Thisprinciplecanbeappliedinanyothersituation,notjusthiring.Whicheveroptionoutofarangethatisthemostsuitableforasetofneedsistheonewhichshouldbechosen.Thisishugelybeneficialforcharisma.
Onereasonwhysomepeoplestrugglewiththeissueofindecisionisduetoaninabilitytounderstandtheimportanceofbeingdecisive.Peoplesuchasthismaynotseethatthereissomethinginherentlylackingcharismaaboutfailingtoevaluate,choose,andpursueadecision.Forsuchpeople,itisabsolutelyvitaltoovercomethismentalstumblingblockbeforebeingabletoharnessthepowerofdecisiveactionandavoidthepitfallsofindecisionandthenegativeimpactithasuponcharisma.
uponcharisma.
Anothermajorproblemwithindecisionisthatevenafteranindecisivepersonmakesadecision,peopleareunlikelytofeelinspiredbyitorwillingtofollowit.Thisisduetothefactthatithasnotbeenchosenwithanyconfidenceanditisthereforeunappealingforpeople.Ifpeopledohavetofollowadecisionlikethis,whichhasbeenchosenwithoutconfidence,theyarelikelytodosowithcautionandhesitationandwillalwaysbeexpectingittofail.Thisleadstoalackofconcertedeffortandislikelytosabotageanychancethedecisionhadofachievingitsintendedpurpose.
Sowhataresomeofthedecisionsinlifeinwhichpeoplebecomeindecisive?Oneisintheirchoiceofacareer.Somepeoplearesoparalyzedbythefearofchoosingawrongcareerpaththattheyfailtochooseanyatall.Otherpeopledon’tunderstandthattheyareincontroloftheirownlivesandareabletopursuewhichevercareertheychoose.Becauseofthislackofknowledgeoftheirownpowerandchoice,theyfallhaphazardlyintowhateverhappenstobeinfrontofthem.Ifyouwishtobecometrulycharismaticitisworthalwaysavoidingdetrimentalindecisionwhenitcomestoyourcareerandprofessionallife.
Anothercommonareaofindecisionrelatestoromanticrelationships.Thestartingpointforthistypeofindecisionisnotknowingwhatyouwant.Howmanypeopledoyouknowwhodriftbetweenrelationshipswithoutseemingtohaveaclearideaofwhattheyactuallyrequirefromthesituation?Toavoidthis,thevitalstartingpointistohaveaclearideaofwhatyouneedinyourlifeatanygiventime.Perhapsyourlifecircumstancesmeanitisbestyouaresingleandfree.Ifso,keepthisinmind,anddonotinvolveyourselfwithpeoplewhoarelookingforsomethingmoreserious.
Alternatively,perhapsyoudecidethatarelationshipisinfactrightforyou.Ifso,whattypeofrelationshipdoyouneed?Doyouneedsomeonewhoisfunny,kind,smart,orsomethingelseentirely?Ifyouareunabletoknowwhatitisyou
personallywantandrequire,youareunabletobedecisive.
Indecisioncanalsonegativelyimpactuponromanceinadifferentway.Often,peoplewillbescaredofactingdecisivelyinarelationship,throughfearingofoffendingthepersontheyarewith.Acommonexampleofthisiswhensomeoneisunabletochoosearestaurantorsaywhereheorshewantsgoonvacation.Althoughtheirintentioninthisindecisionisgood,theyenduphurtingthemselves.Thisisduetothefactthatdecisivenessischarismaticand,therefore,attractive.Indecision,ontheotherhand,isnotcharismatic,andisthereforeunattractive.
Trythisprincipleoutforyourselfinyourownrelationships.Thenexttimeyouareaskedsomething,giveadecisiveanswer.Evenifthepersonyouarewithdisagreeswithyourchoice,heorshewillalmostcertainlyrespectyouforhavingmadeit.Onlybytryingthisforyourself,andwitnessingthebenefitsfirsthand,areyoulikelytounderstandhowimportantitistobecomemoredecisiveineveryareaofyourlife.
Negativity
Negativityisanabsolutecharismakillerandonethatmustbeavoidedatallcosts.Wewillnowexploresomewaysinwhichnegativityharmscharisma,differentsituationsinwhichnegativityisoftenfound,andwaysofavoidingslippingintonegativepatterns,evenwhenitistemptingtodoso.
Earlierinthisbookweexploredhowpositivityandauthentichappinessarekeycomponentsforsomeonewhowishestoexertcharismaticinfluence.Itnaturallyfollowsthatnegativityiscontrarytocharismaandthereforeharmful.Whatmanypeoplefailtounderstand,however,isthatnegativityharmscharismamorethanpositivityhelpsit.Thispointcannotbeemphasizedenough.Positivityaidscharisma,butnotnearlyasmuchasnegativityharmsit.Sowhataresomeofthe
mostcommonsituationsinwhichpeoplearenegative?
Perhapsthemostcommonmanifestationofnegativitywithregardstocharismaiswhenpeoplearenegativetowardsthemselves.Somecommonexamplesofthisarepeoplefailingtorecognizetheirownstrengths,peoplefeelinginsecure,andpeoplebeingpessimisticaboutthefuture.
Interestingly,manypeopledonotactuallyrealizetheyarebeingnegative.Whyisthis?Oneofthemainreasonsthatpeoplefailtounderstandtheyarebeingnegativeisduetoabelieftheyaresimplybeing“realistic.”Peopleoftenthinkthatbyfocusingonthenegativeaspectsoflife,theyarebeingmorehonestandauthenticthanpeoplewhochoosetomaintainapositiveoutlook.Thisviewpointismistaken.
Althoughitisimportanttohaveafullandhonestunderstandingofasituationandwhatitentails,focusingonthenegativeaspectsisnotbeingrealistic.Thisisbecausebyfocusingprimarilyonwhatisbad,itisgivingadistortedpictureofthesituationinitsentirety.Avisualanalogyforthisispeoplelookingatagardenandseeingonlytheweeds,ratherthanthegardenasawhole.
Anothernegativesituationthatisharmfulforcharismaiswhenpeopleallowtheirviewoftheirownstrengthsandweaknessestobeoverlyinfluencedbyothers.Thisisusuallydowntoafailingtounderstandandknowoneselffully.Insuchasituation,peopleareeasilyledandinfluenced.Let’stakeacloserlookatthisideathroughanexample.
Imaginesomeonewhoinitiallybelievedthattheywereaskilledcommunicator.Iftheysimplythoughtthiswithoutknowingthespecificreasonswhy,theywouldnothaveaclearpictureintheirownmindofwhytheyfelttheywereeffective.Suchapersonisthereforeopentoinfluencebyothers.Why?Ifsomeonesays,“youarenotagoodcommunicator,”andoffersseveralreasonsforthis,thepersonhasnothingtocounterwith,astheirpersonalviewpointis
forthis,thepersonhasnothingtocounterwith,astheirpersonalviewpointisbasedonignorance.Theytrusttheotherperson’sopinionovertheirown,asitseemsmorelogical,andbecomenegativeaboutsomethingtheypreviouslybelievedtobeastrength.
Sohowdoesapersoncounterthisinfluencefromothersleadingtonegativity?Thefirststepistohaveaclearreasonwhyyoufeelthewayyoudo.Forexample,ifyouthinkyouaregoodwithpeople,thenbeabletojustifythisviewpointandhaveexamplesfromyourownlifewhichsupportit.Withoutsuchjustification,youarevulnerabletotheinfluenceofothers.Thiscanleadtonegativity,oratleastthepotentialfornegativity.Don’tallowthis.Protectyourowncharismabyunderstandingwhyyoufeelpositiveaboutyourself.
Otherpeoplearenegativeasastrangeformofprotectionandself-preservation.Suchpeoplethinkthatiftheyarenotpositiveandenthusiastic,theycannotbehurt.Let’stakealookatsomeofthemostcommonsituationsinwhichthisproblemrelatingtoalackofcharismaarises.
Aperson’scareerisoneareawherenegativityasaformofprotectionoftenoccurs.Imaginesomeonewhohasjustgotanewjob.Ifhisorherfriendsaskaboutthisjob,thepersonwilloftendownplayitssignificanceandexpressmorenegativityaboutitthantheyactuallyfeel.Thisisbecausetheydonotwanttosetthemselvesupforafailure,sotospeak.
Sohowelsecanthis“protectivenegativity”occur?Onesituationiswithinaromanticrelationship.Someonemightbeinanewrelationship,orevenjustcontinuingalong-termrelationship,butdespitefeelingverypositiveaboutit,heorshemayholdbackfromexpressingthispositivity.Similarlytotheexampleofprotectivenegativitywithintheworldofcareers,suchpeopleareaimingtopreventthemselvesfromgettinghurtbybeingoverlycautious.Ironically,bybeingoverlynegative,youarehurtingyourcharismaandwithittheprospectsofahappyandsuccessfulrelationship.
ahappyandsuccessfulrelationship.
Howcanthisprotectivenegativitybeavoided?Theessentialfirststepistounderstandhowsuchnegativitymayfeelprotective,butinfactisonlygoingtocauseharmdowntheroad.Untiloneisabletograspthat,inspiteoffeelingprotective,suchnegativityisinfactharmful,itisdoubtfulonewillbeabletoavoidthiscommonkillerofcharisma.
Negativitycanalsoinvolvespeakingbadlyofothersandfailingtorecognizetheirstrengths.Therearearangeofmotivationsforthisparticularcharismakillingbehavior.First,whenpeoplespeakpoorlyaboutothers,theyaresometimesdoingsoinordertomakethemselvesseemcomparativelybetter.Ifyouthinkaboutsomeonewhoisthebestintheirfield,theyarelikelytobewellawareoftheirowntalentsandabilitiesandnotneedtoemphasizethemtoothersasaresult.Thinkabout,forexample,aleadingactor.Howmuchtimedoesheorshespendstatingthatotheractorsarenotasgoodastheyare?Probablylittletononebecausesomeonewhoisconfidentinhisorherownabilitiesknowsthattalentspeaksforitself.Thereisnoneedtodiminishtheabilitiesoreffortsofothersinordertoseembetterincomparison.
Notonlyisbeingnegativeaboutothersineffectiveforthepurposeofmakingyourselfseembetter,itactuallyachievestheoppositeeffect.Peopleareawareofthefactthatonlyinsecurepeoplewithdeeplevelsofself-doubtfeeltheneedtodiminishothers.Therefore,peoplewhogaininthisoutwardprojectionofnegativityareharmingtheirowncharisma,reputation,andimageintheeyesofothersasanendresult.
Itisalsopossibleforpeopletobroadlyhaveanegativeoutlookonlifeingeneral.Whatdoesthisconsistof?Typically,agenerallynegativeoutlookinvolvesholdingaseriesofbeliefsandideasabouttheworldwhichmakeitseemlikealesspositiveplacethanitisinreality.Whataresomeexamplesofthesebeliefs?Commonexamplesinclude:mostpeopleareselfish,thereare
thesebeliefs?Commonexamplesinclude:mostpeopleareselfish,therearescarceopportunities,orthereisnojusticeintheworld.Sowhyaresuchbeliefscontrarytotheprinciplesofcharisma?
Whenpeopleholdnegativebeliefs,theendresultiswithdrawalfromseeingtheworldasitreallyis.Bydecidingtoseelifethroughadistortedlens,theycutthemselvesofffrommanygoodthings,whichwouldotherwisebepossibleiftheychosetohaveamorebalancedpictureoftheworld.Ironically,manypeoplewhoholdsuchnegativeviewsthinktheyarebeingcautiousandseeingtheworldhowitreallyis,wheninfactthisisfarfromthetruth.
Sohowdopeopleavoidfallingintohavingsuchanegativeoutlookoverall,giventhatitissobadfortheircharismaandabilitytoholdinfluenceovertheworld?Itisimportanttoseetheworldinabalancedway.Thisinvolvesnottakingwhatotherssayasfactatfacevalue.Oneofthemostcommonreasonsforhavinganoverallnegativeoutlookisbelievingwhatotherpeoplesaywithoutquestioningit.Tocombatthisdirectly,itisimportantforapersontolookathisorherviewsabouttheworldandreallydeterminewheretheyhaveoriginated.Hassomeonefedtheinformationtohimorhertoskewhisorherviewofreality?Hashisorherchildhoodhadanegativeimpact?
Oncesomeonehasidentifiedthesourceofasmanynegativelimitingbeliefsasitispossible,thenextvitalstepistothinkofarangeofmoreempoweringbeliefstoreplacethemwith.Whattypeofbeliefsshouldapersonchoose?Mainlybeliefsthatbetterenhancecharismaandalsoviewtheworldinamorepositivelight.Theguidingprinciplefordoingthisshouldbetoaskthequestions:IsthewayIseetheworldpositive?Doesthisviewaidcharisma?Inordertoexplorethisconceptingreaterdepth,wewilllookatsomeexamplesofold,negativebeliefs,andtheempoweringbeliefsthatcanreplacethem.
Oneofthemostcommonnegative,limitingbeliefsis,“theworldisanunfriendlyplace.”Peopleoftenhavethisviewafterbeinghurtandtakingtheir
unfriendlyplace.”Peopleoftenhavethisviewafterbeinghurtandtakingtheirown,limitedexperienceasrepresentativeofallpeople,insteadofthesmallamountofpeopletheyhaveactuallycomeacross.Abetterbelieftohaveis,“Theworldcontainsalltypesofpeople.Iwillfindtheonesthatarerightforme.”Analyzingwhythisisapreferableviewpointtohold,wenoticeitrecognizesthatalthoughtheworlddoeshavethepotentialtohavebadpeoplein,itdoesnotconsistonlyofsuchpeople.Secondly,thisbeliefmakesclearthatpeopleareempoweredtofindtherightpeople.Itplacesautonomy,andthereforecharisma,inthehandsoftheperson,ratherthanmakinghimorherpowerlessandforcedtoexpectwhicheverpeoplehappentocomeintohisorherlife.
Let’slookatanothernegativebeliefandhowtoreplaceitwithamoreusefulone—“peopleareselfishandonlyouttotakeandnotgive.”Peoplewilloftenendupwiththisviewpointaftercomingacrosssuchselfishpeople.Abetterbelieftoholdis,“Whilesomepeopleprefertobeselfish,thisissomethingthatonlyharmstheminthelongrun.Iamthetypeofpersonwhowishestogiveandtherearemanypeoplelikeme.”Noticehowthisbeliefisrealisticandbalanced?Itdoesnotshyawayfromthefactthatthereare,infact,selfishpeopleintheworld.Instead,itrecognizesthattheyarenottheentiretyofthepopulationandseekstomakethepersonwiththenew,empoweringbelieffeelthatheorsheisnotalone.
Finally,anegativelimitingbeliefregardingtheworldis,“Theworldisanunfairplaceandpeopledonotgetwhattheydeserveandbecauseofthis,Iwon’tmakeanyeffort.”Thisviewpointisoftenheldasanexampleofprotectivenegativity,exploredearlierinthischapter.Bydecidingthatthereisnopointinacting,peoplemakethechoicetoavoidtakingrisksandpotentiallybeinghurt.Insteadofholdingthisview,amorerealistic,andalsouseful,beliefis“AlthoughIcan’tcontroltheoutcomeofevents,Icaninfluencethemasmuchaspossible.Thus,Iwillexerteffortinmovingtowardsmygoals,asthisgivesmethebestchanceofthingsworkingoutinmyfavor.”
Noticethatalloftheaboveempoweringbeliefsarenotunrealistic.Theydonotpainttheworldasaperfectplace.Instead,theysimplyavoiddistortingrealityinanoverlynegativelightandharmingoneselfintheprocess.Youmightfinditusefultotakesometimetolookatallofthebeliefsyouhold,inanygivenareaoflife,andseeifyoucanreplacethemwithsomethingmorehelpfuloruseful.
Discomfort
Wewillnowlookatthevariouswaysinwhichalackofcomfortharmsnegativity,thesituationsthisproblemiscommonlyfoundin,andthewaysofovercomingthisblocktocharisma.
Discomfortisbasicallyalackofeasewithanygivensituation.Itrelatestopeoplefeelingworried,nervous,sad,oranythingotherthancalmlyacceptingwhatistakingplace.Discomfortcanbephysicalormentalaswellassituationalorgeneral.
Onetypeofdiscomfortisphysical.Strangely,thisisoneoftheeasiesttoovercome,butoneofthetypesthatoftenpeopleseemunwillingtotakeactiontocorrect.Whatexactlydoesphysicaldiscomfortmean?Itisamixtureofseveralthings-sittingorstandinginawaythathinderscharisma,wearingclothesthatreducesomeone’sfeelingofconfidenceorbeinguncomfortableinsituationsofphysicalproximityorcontact,suchasshakingthehandofanotherperson.Let’stakealookattheseindividuallyandexplorewhytheyareharmfulforcharisma.
Thefirstissuerelatestobodylanguage.Youwillhavehopefullynoticedthatsittingorstandinguncomfortablyisindirectcontradictiontotheprinciplesofcharismaticbodylanguage,whichwelookedatearlierinthebook.Thatchapterprimarilyfocusedontherightbodylanguage,ratherthanthattoavoid.Sowhatexactlyisatypeofbodylanguagewhichshowsphysicaldiscomfort?
Oneofthemostcommontypesofphysicaldiscomfort,relatedtoposture,iswhensomeonesitsorstandsinapositiontheyarenotateaseinorcannotsustainandthereforemustfrequentlymovefrom.Forexample,manypeoplestandorsitwiththeirshouldershunchedup,ratherthanrelaxedandatease.Thispositionisphysicallyuncomfortableandthereforemustbechangedafterashortperiodoftime.Becauseoftheneedtochangethis,itresultsinsomeonefrequentlychangingtheirposture.Thisresultsinthemappearingtobefidgetyandunfocusedanddistractsfromtheirwords.Bynow,youwillclearlyunderstandthatthisisincrediblybadforcharisma.
Itmaysoundstrange,butwearingthewrongclothescanbeverydetrimentaltocharisma!Whatdowemeanbythe“wrong”clothes?Therearebasicallytwotypesofclothingthatcanharmthecharismaticofaperson:clothesthatfitpoorlyandclothesthatmakesomeonefeeluncomfortableinsomeotherway.Thismaysoundverytrivial,butyouaremakingabigmistakeifyouunderestimatehowserioustheimpactofthesetwotypesofclothingmistakes.
Poorlyfittingclothingcomesintwovarieties—toobaggyortooloose.Ifsomeoneiswearingclothingthatistoobaggy,itreduceshisorherphysicalcharisma.Ifyouneedaclearexampleofthisconcept,searchforimagesof“poorlyfittingsuit”ontheInternet.Itmaybeshallow,butashumanbeingswejudgeothersbasedonhisorherappearance.Thereisnogettingroundthis.Thankfully,thisisoneoftheeasiesttypesofcharismaticroadblockstoovercome.Simply,haveaclearunderstandingofwhatclothingsizeyouareandmakesureyousticktoitnomatterwhat!
Thesecondtypeofclothingerrorthatcanharmcharismaiswhensomeoneiswearinganoutfitthatmakeshimorherfeeluncomfortableinanywayunrelatedtofit.Let’slookatsomeofthecommonwaysinwhichthiscanoccur.First,ifsomeonewearsclothesthatarelessformalthanasituationrequires,itislikelyto
harmcharismabymakingthepersonfeelunderdressed,andthereforenotpresenttothemoment,orpeoplewilljudgethepersonfornotdressingsuitablyfortheoccasion,causingthepersontofeeldiscomfortandinappropriate.
Sohowcanweovercometheproblemofwearingunsuitableattire?Itisquitesimple—haveacarefulunderstandingofwhatthenormsareforanygivensituationanddressaccordingly.Itmaysoundobvious,butmanypeopleoverlookthisandstrugglewithit.Somesituationshaveaformaldresscode.Ifthisexists,followit,butfollowitaccurately.Yourunderstandingof“smartcasual”maydifferfromthegeneralunderstanding.Ifyouareeverunawareofwhatadresscodeactuallymeans,justresearchthemeaningonlinefromareputablesource.
Othersituationswillnothaveaformaldresscodetofollowsuchasanightcluborsomeparties.Insituationssuchasthese,thereisobviouslyalittlemoreflexibility,butitisstillimportanttotryanddressinawaynotbeoffputtingtoothers.If,forexample,thevenueinquestionisanightclub,tryandtakealookattheirwebsiteorsocialmediapagetoseeifthereareanyphotographsindicatingtherightorwrongwaytodress.Failingthis,dressinthesamewayasthepeopleyouknowwhoareattendingdo.Thiswillmean,attheveryleast,youarenottheonlypersondressedacertainway!
Physicalproximity/contactisoneofthemainsituationsinwhichalotofpeopleshowphysicaldiscomfort.Someofthemainsignsoffeelingalackofconfidenceandcomfortbeingaroundotherpeopleincludefidgeting,movingaroundinadistractedway,avoidingstandingnearpeople,orshrinkingandwithdrawingbodylanguagewhenclosetosomeoneelse.Thisisasignofdeepdiscomfortandisverybadindeedforcharisma.Instead,peopleshouldseektobeateasearoundothers.Ifthisisaninitialstumblingpoint,itcanbeovercomebyseekingouttheproximityofothersandlearningtobeOKwithit.Thenwhenasituationisnotchosen,butrathernecessary,therewillnotbeaproblem
relatingtophysicalproximity,asthepersonwillalreadybeusedtoit.
Mentaldiscomfortistheothermaintypeofdiscomfortthatharmscharisma.Sowhatarethemaintypesofmentaldiscomfortandhowdotheymanifestoutwardly?First,findingyourselfinaneworunfamiliarenvironmentisakeytriggerformentaldiscomfort.Peoplenaturallyaremorerelaxedandateasewhentheyarearoundplacesandpeoplethattheyhaveatrackrecordofinteractingwith.Sohowdoesapersonovercomethismentaldiscomfortrelatedtounfamiliarity?
Obviously,itisimpossibleforsomeonetoseekout,andbecomecomfortablewith,everypossibletypeofsituationtheycouldface.Soifpeopleareunabletodothis,willtheyalwaysbeboundtobementallyuncomfortableinunfamiliarsituations?No.Whileitisimpossibletobecomecomfortablewitheverysituation,itispossibletobecomecomfortablewithnewsituationsingeneral.Inordertodothis,peopleshouldseekoutnewopportunitieswhenevertheycan.Thisresultsinthemindbecomingmoreateaseingeneralwithpeopleandplacesthatithasnotencounteredbefore.Ifyoutryoutthistechnique,youwillnoticearapiddifferenceinthelevelofcomfortyouexperience.
Situationaldiscomfortisatypeofdiscomfortwhichonlymanifestsinspecificsituations,notothers.Forinstance,somepeoplearefinewithspeakinginfrontofanaudienceingeneral,butfinditveryuncomfortablewhentheaudienceisconsistedofpeopleofa“higherstatus,”suchasasuperiorcolleagueoranelder..Otherpeoplearefinewithmeetingnewpeople,butstruggleiftheymeetpeopleandalanguagebarrierhappenstoexistbetweenthem.Anysituationthatisuncomfortableifacertainfactorispresent,butcomfortableotherwise,isanexampleofsituationaldiscomfort.
Thewaytoovercomesituationaldiscomfortisbytakingthetimetositdownandhaveacarefullookatdifferentsituationsinlife.Perhapsthereisatimeyou
noticedyoufeltdiscomfortanditsurprisedyoubecauseusuallythatisthetypeofsituationyouarefinein?Thisisoftenanindicationthatsituationaldiscomfortisaproblem.
Let’stakeacommonlyfoundtypeofsituationaldiscomfortrelatedtotheworldofromanceanddating—talkingtoaspecifictypeofstranger.Peoplemayfindthemselvesabletointeractsociallyingeneral,butwhentheyareinteractingwithanunusuallybeautifulmemberoftheoppositesex,itbecomesdifficulttodoso.Thisisaprimeexampleofsituationaldiscomfort.Inordertoovercomethis,thepersonwouldfirstneedtoidentifyspecificallytheissue.Isitpeoplewholookacertainway?Isitbeautyingeneral?Oncethesourceofthesituationaldiscomforthasbeenclearlyfound,thepersoncanthenbegintoactivelyseekitout.Overtime,assuchuncomfortablesituationsbecomeroutine,theyloseanypowertheyhadovertheperson.
Generaldiscomfortcontrastsdirectlywithsituationaldiscomfort,whereasinthecaseofsituationaldiscomfort,specificsourcesofworryexistforaperson,generaldiscomfortinvolvesnosuchobvioustriggers.Generaldiscomfortmeansthatapersonisuncomfortableregardlessoftheexternaltriggersinplace.Itisimportanttonotethatthisdoesnotmeansuchapersonisuncomfortableineachandeverysituation.Rather,apersonexperiencesdiscomfortinarangeofdifferentsituations,butwithoutanykindofobviouscauseortrigger.Thissoundslikesomethingverydifficulttoovercome!Worrynot;itispossibletodoso.How?Ifgeneraldiscomfortisaproblemtoyou,theremedyistofocusdeeplyontheinternalpillarsofcharismathatarefoundearlierinthisbook.Thiswillnotberecappedhere,merelyexpandedupon.Inthecaseofgeneraldiscomfort,themostimportanttoolthatexiststoovercomeitistoseekoutanysituationorpracticewhichresultsinafeelingofwellbeingandrelaxation.Ifsomeoneteachestheirbodytofeeldeeplevelsofrelaxation,itisgoodforstress,bothphysicallyandmentally.Sowhataresometechniquesthatcanaidwithgeneraldiscomfortandthereforepromotephysicalwellbeing?
generaldiscomfortandthereforepromotephysicalwellbeing?
Exerciseisveryimportant.Thiscanbeanythingapersonhappenstoenjoy.Indeed,itisvitaltofindaformofexercisethatisenjoyable,asthismakesitmorelikelytobeadheredto.Byexercising,apersonhelpshisorherbodytogetridofstress.Theyalsoreleasevarious“feelgoodchemicals”intothebrain,whichpromoteageneralsenseofcalmandpositivity.Thisthenmanifestsinagreaterlevelofgeneralcomfortandsubsequentcharisma.Takingthetimetoindulgeincalm,pleasurableactivitiescanalsoreducegeneraldiscomfort.Thesecanincludereading,learningsomethinginteresting,orlisteningtomusic.Anythingthatmakesyoufeelcalmandateasewillhelpyourcomfortlevelsingeneralandboostyourcharismainthelongrun.
Coldness
Throughoutthisbook,youwillhavenoticedtheimportanceofexpressingwarmthandcareinbeingcharismatic.Similarlytootherideasinthischapter,theoppositebehaviorharmscharismaagreatdeal.First,wewillexplorewhatismeantbybeingcold.Second,wewilllookatwhyitissobadforcharisma.Finally,wewilllookatwaysofavoidingthisroadblocktocharisma.
Charismakillingcoldnesscantakeavarietyofforms.Generally,however,itwillinvolveaperson’sthoughts,words,oractions.Let’stakealookatsomeofthemainexamplesofhowthesethreeaspectscancomeacrossascoldandwhyitisbadwhentheydo.
Coldthoughtsaresomeofthemostdamagingtohave.Why?Ifyouarethinkinginacold,compassionlessway,itisalmostcertaintomanifestoutwardlyinthewayyoutreat,andcomeacrossto,otherpeople.Sowhatexactlydoesa“cold”thoughtlooklike?Someexamplesinclude:Idon’tcareaboutothers,Ionlywanttohelpmyself,Idon’towetheworldanything,oranyothermodeofthoughtwhichinvolvesselfishness,orbeingclosedoff.
whichinvolvesselfishness,orbeingclosedoff.
Coldwordsareverbal,orwritten,manifestationsofalackofcompassion.Itisimportanttonotethatmanypeoplemakethemistakeofcomingacrosscoldwithoutmeaningto.Thereareplentyofpeoplewhoreducetheirowncharismabyusingwordsthatdonotreflecthowtheyreallyfeel!Someexamplesofthisincludesigningemailsoffinanabruptmanner,usinglanguagecontrarytogoodmanners,beingoverly“dry”or“technical”whenspeaking,oranythingelsethatreducesthelevelofcompassion,andthereforecharisma,whichisexpressedthroughwords.
Inordertoovercometheproblemofspeakingorwriting,inacoldmanner,itisimportanttogetthefeedbackofsomeoneneutralwhomyoutrust.Thisshouldnotbesomeoneveryclose,suchasaspouseorarelative,astheyareunlikelytofeelcompletelyfreetobehonestwithyou.Someoneinyourprofessionalnetworkoradispassionatefriendisagoodchoice.Then,solicitactionablefeedbackfromthispersonwithregardstoyourchoiceofwords,tone,andotheraspects.Besuretotaketheiradviceonboardandmakeadefiniteanddeliberateefforttobecomemorecharismaticthroughwarmth.
Coldactionsarethefinalaspectofcoldnessknowntoharmcharisma.Thesecanincludeaperson’sbodylanguageandeventhewayinwhichonemakesdecisions.Coldbodylanguageisanythingwhichrunscontrarytothebodylanguagechapterfoundearlierinthisbook.Itiseasytoovercome—simplyimplementtheprinciplesrelatingtostance,gesture,facialexpression,andsoforth.Dependingonhowdeeplycoldbodylanguageisingrained,itmaytakealongperiodoftimetoovercome.Itisverymuchworthit,however,ascoldbodylanguageisoneofthefastestwaystokillcharisma.
Colddecisionsareaformofcoldnessthatharmscharismagreatly.Whatexactlyismeantbyacolddecision?Basically,anycourseofchosenactionwhichseemstohavebeenmadewithoutthefeelingsofothersinmindcanbeseenascold.
Thisdoesn’tmeanthatdecisionscanonlybemadewhicharepleasingtoeveryone.Farfromit!Difficultchoicesstillcan,andshould,bemade.Theimportantthingistoensurethattheappearanceofcareandconsiderationisgiven.Aslongaspeoplehavetheperceptionthattheirneedshavebeenconsidered,theyarelikelytoforgivealmostanything.
Inflexibility
Inflexibilityisthefinalmajorroadblocktocharismawhichapersonmustactivelyseektoovercome.Wewillnowtakealookatexactlywhatinflexibilityis,whyitharmscharismasomuch,someofthesituationsinwhichitcommonlyoccursandhowtoovercomeit.
So,whatexactlyisinflexibility?Itiswhensomeonehasaveryrigidviewoftheworldandtheyareeithertotallyunwilling,orveryslow,tochangethewaytheyseethings.Thisusuallycomesacrossaswantingthingstobeacertainway.Rigidpeoplelikeaverypredictable,routinelife,andaredisturbedtoonedegreeoranotherwhenthingsdonotmatchtheirmodelofthewaytheworldshouldbe.
Inflexibilityisbadforcharismaasitshowsaleaderisunabletodealwiththeworldasitreallyis.Peopleneedtofollowcharismaticleaderswhohaveagood,carefulunderstandingofthewaytheworldworks.Ifsomeoneisinflexibleandrigid,itisindicativethattheyarelivinginanidealizedversionoftheworld,whichfailstoreflecttherealcircumstances.Ifsomeonecannotseetheworldasitreallyis,howcantheybeexpectedtooperateeffectivelywithinit?
Inflexibilityisalsobadforcharisma,asitmeansthatpeopleareonlyabletobeinfluentialwhentheirsituationatthetimehappenstoconformexactlytotheirpreference.Anydeviationfromthisidealizedrealityhampersaleader’sabilitytoact.Astheabilitytoactistantamounttocharismaticinfluence,inflexibilityisaseriousformofself-sabotagewhenitcomestobeingcharismatic,thefinalaspectoftheCharismaticEquation.
aspectoftheCharismaticEquation.
Inflexibilitycanoccurinalmostanysituation,buttherearesomemorecommonthanothers.Culturalinflexibilitycanoccureitheronanationalorcompanylevel.Culturalinflexibilityinvolvesaleaderbeingeffectivewithinthenormsoftheirnationalculture,butineffectiveoutsideofit.Companyculturalflexibilityoccurswhenacharismaticleaderisonlyeffectivewithinacertaintypeofcompanycontext,forexample,abureaucraticcompanyculturewithstrictrulesoramoreflexiblecompanyculture.
Interpersonalinflexibilityisperhapsthemostcommon,andalsomostserious,typeofinflexibilitythatharmsaperson’scharisma.Thisinvolvesonlyknowing,orbeingabletoshow,onewayofinteractingwithotherpeople.Asyouhaveseeninthebook’searlierchapters,itisabsolutelyvitaltointeractwithpeopleasindividualsandtotreatthemaccordingly.Awayofcommunicatingwithonepersonisdifferentfromanotherandthismustbeclearlyunderstood.Ifsomeoneisinterpersonallyinflexible,theyareunabletooperatecharismaticallywiththevarioustypesofpeopletheworldcontains.Theyarethereforelimitedintheinfluencetheycanexert.
Overcominginflexibilitycanbeworkedoninbothspecificandgeneralways.Toovercomeinflexibilityingeneral,youshouldchallengeyourselftofinddifferent,butequallyeffective,waysofoperating.Forexample,makealistunderanygivenheading,suchas“communication.”Thenlistallofthedifferentwaysinwhichyoucancommunicateeffectively.Bydoingthis,youwillshowyourselfthatthereismorethanonevalidwaytobe.Thisispowerfulasittrainsyourmindtorealizethatthereisno“onerightway.”Doingthisexerciseindifferentareasalsoprovidespracticalwaysofhowflexibilitycanbeapplied,ratherthanmerelyunderstood.
Overcominginflexibilityinaspecificareaofliferequiresyoutounderstandexactlyhowyouareinflexibleinacertainareaandwhybeingthatwayis
exactlyhowyouareinflexibleinacertainareaandwhybeingthatwayisharmingyou.Youmightbeawareofyourinflexibility,butunawareofhowtochangeit.Alternatively,youmaynotknowtheareasinwhichyouareinflexible.Askingothersandgettingfeedbackcanhelpwiththis.
Onceyouhaveidentifiedaspecificareainwhichyoufeelyourinflexibilityisaproblem,itisimportanttogetaclearpictureofwhatatextbookflexibleresponsetothissituationwouldlooklike.Writingthisdowncanhelp;forexample,inthesituationofculturalinflexibility,youcouldwritedownallofthewaysinwhichsomeonewhoisculturallyflexiblewouldact,talk,andcomeacrossingeneral.Bydoingthis,youcanthenfindwaystoapplytheseidealbehaviorstoyourownlifeandbenefitfromthembybecomingmorecharismatic.
FinalThoughts
Younowhaveabetterunderstandingofthemanywaysinwhichcharismacanbeself-sabotagedandhowthisproblemcanbeavoided.Understandthatthischapterisnotascomprehensiveasyourowninsight.Onceyouunderstandcharisma,youintuitivelywillbeabletounderstandyourownlifeandhowcharismaticitis.Itisimportanttoconstantlythinkofcharismainatwofoldway—improvingcharismawhileremovingroadblockstocharisma.Bybothdevelopingcertainbehaviorsandavoidingothers,youarehelpingtoensureyouliveascharismaticlifeaspossible.Itisimportanttorealizethisisanongoingprocessandyouwillexperiencesetbacksalongtheway.Aslongasyouarealwaysaimingtomoveintherightdirection,however,youaresuretobecometrulycharismaticeventually.
Chapter12:CharismaticRoleModelsDecoded
Inthischapter,wewillexploresomeofthekeycharismaticideasfoundinthisbookinanappliedway.Thechaptertakesalookatfourofthemostcharismaticpeoplefoundinourhistory,thewaysinwhichtheywerecharismatic,andthelessonsthatcanbelearntandappliedfromeach.Thefourindividualshavebeenchosenastheyallshowthepowerofcharismainrelationtoleadership,andtheyarefiguresthatmostpeoplewillhaveageneralawarenessandknowledgeof.Thischapter’smainaimistoshowhowcharismaisapowerfulforceintheworldandtoanalyzeanddecodethebehavioroffamouslycharismaticfigures.
MartinLutherKingJr.hasbeenchoseninparticularforhismasteryofcharismaticlanguageandemotionalintelligence.PresidentJohnF.Kennedyhasbeenselectedbothforhischarismaticlifeandalsoasanexampleofhowcharismacanprovokestrongreactionsinpeople.WinstonChurchillhasbeenusedasasignofhowcharismacanbefoundinpeoplewhomaylackbehaviors,traits,orappearances,whichsomepeoplemayassumeareneededforcharisma.Finally,cultleaderCharlesMansonhasbeenchosentoshowhowcharismacanhaveaverydarksideandhowitsprinciplesarenotselective,butuniversal,regardlessofmorality.
Foreachofthefourcharismaticfigures,theirlifewillbrieflybeexploredandrelatedtocharismaticideasfoundinthisbookbeforespecificlessonsfromeachindividualareextractedandapplied.
Dr.MartinLutherKing
Dr.MartinLutherKingisauniqueexampleofhowcharismacannotonlyimpactuponindividuals,butuponsocietyasawhole.Wewilllookatsomeoftheachievementsthatthisgreatman’scharismahelpedachieveandthenseektounderstandhowhisexamplecanbeappliedtoeveryday,modernlife.
understandhowhisexamplecanbeappliedtoeveryday,modernlife.
Dr.Kingwasabletomaketheideasofracialequalityandfairnessseemimportanttopeoplewhomayneverhavehadtoconsiderthembefore.AlthoughblackcitizensofAmericawereacutely,painfullyawareofthestruggleofracialinequality,itisnotsomethingthatthemajorityofthepopulationmayhaveparticularlystoppedtoconsideratthetime.Dr.Kingwasabletochangethat.Howdidhedothisdifficulttask?
OneofthereasonsthatKingwasabletoimpactuponpeopleoutsideoftheblackcommunitywasduetohisabilitytomakeracialissuesseemrelevanttoAmericaasawhole,ratherthanjusttheblackcommunityspecifically.Howdidhedothis?Bydrawingonemotionalandculturalintelligencetomakecomplexideasrelatable,suchasdrawingupontheprinciplesoftheConstitutionandshowinghowracialinequalityrancontrarytosomeoftheideasandphilosophiesfoundinthisdocument.TheConstitutionisimportantandclosetotheheartsofmanyAmericans,sobymakingreferencetoit,Kingwasabletomaketheracialstruggleseemrelevanttothosewhomaynothavethoughtaboutitbefore.
Kingwasalsoabletousetheideasofintellectualandemotionalintelligenceworkinginparalleltoimpactuponpeople’sheartsandmindssimultaneously.Howdidhedothis?Oftenwithinthesamesentence,Kingwasabletotouchuponboththeemotionalandintellectualdimensionsofatopic.Thisisakeyexampleofbothemotionalandintellectualintelligencebeingneededtobetrulycharismatic.Notonlyaretheybothneeded,theymustbeusedtogether,ratherthanseparately,tohavethemaximumamountofimpact.
Kingisalsoaprimeexampleofthecharismaticpowerofempathy,understanding,andwarmth.WhenyoulistentoKingspeak,orwitnesshiminteractingwithothers,itisclearthatheseemstocaredeeply.Heisnotmerelytalkingabouthisideasintheabstract;theyareclosetohisheartandhiswordsanddeedsconveythislevelofsincere,personalcare.
anddeedsconveythislevelofsincere,personalcare.
SohowcanyouapplyideasfromDr.Kingtoyourownsituation?Thereisnoneedtothinkhisideasapplyonlytothepoliticalorsocialdimensionoflife.Instead,theyareuniversal.BylookingatthewayinwhichKingcombinesintellectuallyandemotionallyintelligentlanguage,youcanusethisasablueprintforyourownwords.Nomatterwhetheryouareaprofessionaloperatingwithinacareercontextoranindividualoperatingwithinaromanticcontext,King’sintelligencecombinationisapowerfulcharismaticforce.
YoucanalsomodelKing’sbodylanguageandfacialexpressionsforyourownbenefit.Forexample,watchsomefootageofKinggreetingpeople.Lookatthewayinwhichheshakestheirhandsandhisfacialexpressions,whichseemtoconveywarmthandsincerity.Youmayfindthatyouareinspiredbythesetotrytheminyourownlifeandseeifpeoplerespondwellwhenyoudo.
PresidentJohnF.Kennedy
IfyoueverreadaboutPresidentKennedyyouaresuretoencountertheword“charisma”overandoveragain.DespitethefactthatKennedyissofrequentlydescribedascharismatic,thereisoftenalackofinformationregardingwhatexactlycausedhimtobeperceivedinthisway.
OnereasonwhyKennedywassocharismaticwashisapparentvigorandenthusiasm.Hewasoneoftheyoungestpeopletoeverholdinfluentialpoliticalstatus.Atthetime,theyouthofAmericawereenjoyingasocialstatustheyrarelyhadbeforeandKennedywasrepresentativeofthistrend.
Kennedyalsocameacrossasdeeplycompassionate.Muchofhislegacyrelatestoattemptingtospreadthecauseofhumanrightsaroundtheworld.Thisisanexampleofhowprojectinganimageofwarmthandcarecausespeopletorespondwelltoaleader.Noonewilleverknowhowmuchofthiswasfor
respondwelltoaleader.Noonewilleverknowhowmuchofthiswasforpoliticalreasonsorwhetheritwastrulyheartfelt.Thelesson,however,isthataslongasyoucomeacrossascompassionateandcaring,peoplewillrespondwell.
Kennedywasalsocharismaticduetothisseemingmixtureofintellectualandemotionalintelligence.Kennedywasabletoshowhimselfascompassionateand,therefore,emotionallyintelligent.Ontopofthis,however,KennedyhadastrongtrackrecordofacademicperformanceatsomeofthemostprestigiousAmericaninstitutionsoflearning.Peoplerespectedthefactthattheirpresidentwasabletoshowintelligenceinmultipleways.
SohowcanyoudrawuponthecharismaticexampleofPresidentKennedyandmakeuseofitinyourownlife?First,Kennedyshowshowhavingastrongintellectualappearance,withoutbraggingaboutit,canleadtoincreasedlevelsofcharisma.Thisdoesn’tmeanthatyouneedtobecomealeadingacademic.Instead,simplybeawareofwhereyourownacademicstrengthsareandbeconfidentaboutexpressingthem.Whendoingthis,avoidthemistakeofbragging,orshowingoff.
Kennedy’slevelofcompassioncanalsobeusedasacharismaticexampletofollowinyourownlife.WhatmadeKennedysocharismaticinthisarea?Hewasnotsimplycaringwhenitsuitedhim;heseemedtocaredeeplyaboutallpeople.Youcanapplythisbymakingsuretoexpresscompassionatewordsandsentimentsaboutpeoplewhoareoutsideyourimmediatecircleofsocialcloseness.So,forexample,don’tjustbecompassionateaboutyourownfamily,friends,andcolleagues;thisisexpectedofalmosteveryone!Youcanstandoutfromthecrowdbyshowingcareandheartfeltgoodintentionstowardspeoplewhohavenothingtoofferyouinlife.Thisisasignoftruecompassionandisverycharismatictobearound.
WinstonChurchill
WinstonChurchillisoneofthemostfamouspoliticalleadersofalltimeanda
WinstonChurchillisoneofthemostfamouspoliticalleadersofalltimeandaprimeexampleofhowsomeonecanbecharismaticevenifheorshelacksa“conventional”charismaticappearance.HowexactlydoesthisdescriptionapplytoChurchill?
OneofthemostwellknownandfamousfactsaboutChurchillwasthathesufferedfromdepression.Churchillreferredtothisashis“blackdog.”Thisdescription,inandofitself,isanexampleofthecharismaticabilitytoboildownanideathatiscomplexanddifficultintoasuccinctandunderstandableform.Bybeingupfrontabouthisdepression,Churchillwontheadmirationofthosewhoknewaboutitbydisplayingstrengthinthefaceofadversity.Inthewordsofthemanhimself,“Ifyouaregoingthroughhell,keepgoing.”
AnotherwayinwhichChurchillwascharismaticwashistrackrecord.Churchillhadarangeofmilitaryexperiencesinhislifetimeandhadwitnessedconflictfirsthand.ThismeantthatpeoplesawChurchillasamanwhowasabletounderstandandrelatetowar,notadistant,detachedleadersittinginanivorytower.
SohowcanthecharismaticexampleofWinstonChurchillbeapplied?First,Churchill’sdepressionisakeyexampleofhowamentalhealthconditiondoesnotexcludesomeonefrombeingcharismatic.Ifyouhappentosufferfromdepressionoranymentalillness,realizethatitwillnotautomaticallycauseyoutolackcharisma.Thisdoesnotmeanyoucanignoreyourcondition;instead,understanditandtakecontrolofit.Peoplewillrespectandadmireyouforbeingsobraveandcontrolledinthefaceofadversity.
Churchill’sabilitytomakehisownbackgroundsomethingwhichisrelatable,andthereforeinspirational,isanotherwayinwhichyoucanharnesshischarismaforyourownpurposes.Howisthisdone?Whicheversituationyouarein,thinkofwhatthepeopleyouaretryingtoleadaregoingthrough.Forexample,ifyouareasalesmanager,haveaclearunderstandinginyourmind
example,ifyouareasalesmanager,haveaclearunderstandinginyourmindthatthepeopleyouareleadingareunderimmensepressure.Byshowingthemthatyouyourselfhavebeenthroughthisinyourlifetime,theyarelikelytoseeyouasasympathetic,relatablefigure.Thismakesthemmorelikelytowanttofollowyou.
CharlesManson
TheinclusionofCharlesMansoninthisbookiscontroversial.Thatdoesnotmakeitwrong,however.Mansonisnotintendedtoserveassomekindofinspirationorrolemodelworthyofemulation.Instead,Mansonisincludedbothasawarningandalesson.Let’slookathowMansonwascharismatictoalethaleffect,literally.
InwhatwaywasMansoncharismatic?HeledacultwhichcommittedsomeofthemostnotoriousandgraphicmurdersinAmericanhistory.Mansonhimself,however,didnotkill.Hewassimplyabletoinspireotherstocarryoutevildeedsforhim.How,exactly,didthisoccur?
Mansonwasabletocomeacrossasverycharismatictopeoplebyrelatingtotheminawaytheyunderstood.Hedrewupontheculturallegacyoftheeratomakehimselfseemlikeafigureworthyofadmiration,atleastamonghisfollowers.Hedidthisbyportrayinghimselfaswiseandabletoofferinsightintothecontemporarycircumstancewhichwasaspowerfulasitwasunusual.
Mansonwasalsonotoriousforusinghisbodylanguage,inparticularhiseyecontactandfacialexpressions,toinfluencepeople.Manyofhisfollowershavesincestatedthathislevelofeyecontactwasalmosthypnotic.Evenduringhistrial,Mansonfrequentlymadeflirtatiousgesturestopeopleinthecourtroom,whichtheyrespondedto.Takeamomenttostopandthinkaboutthat.Aserialkiller/cultleaderwasabletoflirtsuccessfullywithpeoplefullyawareoftheaccusationsagainsthim.Ifthatdoesn’tillustratethepowerofcharisma,nothing
accusationsagainsthim.Ifthatdoesn’tillustratethepowerofcharisma,nothingdoes.
So,whatlessonscanbelearnedandappliedfromCharlesManson?Thefirstlessontotakeonboardiscautionaryinnature.Ifyoufindyourselfrespondingfavorablytoacharismaticindividual,questioncarefullywhattheirmotivesare.BesureyouarecomfortableandOKpersonallywiththeirintentionsforyou.Thisappliestotheworldofbusinessaswellastheworldofromanticrelationships.
YoumayalsodrawlessonsfromManson’scharismaticbodylanguage.Obviously,donotusethistostartyourowncult!However,youcanusestrongeyecontactandtheabilitytobephysicallyateasearoundthoseyouleadforyourown,hopefullynoblepurposes.
Chapter13:CharismaticConclusions
Younowhaveacompletepictureofwhatittakestobecomecharismaticinvariousareasoflife.Let’stakeamomenttorecapourCharismaticEquation.ACharismaticPersonality+CharismaticActions+CharismaticWords=The
CharismaticProcessorBeingCharismatic
Youknowthevariousinnerdimensionsofcharismathatmustbedevelopedandhowtheseleadtopotential,orinner,charisma.Youalsoknowhowthesealonearenotenough;tobetrulycharismaticyoumustexpressyourinnercharismaoutwardlythroughtheuseofcharismaticactionsandwords.Youhaveaclearunderstandingofwhatthesebothare,andhowtheycanbeusedinvarioussituations.
Oneofthemostimportantlessonsyouneedtotakeawayfromthisbookisthattheinnerdimensionsofcharismaarenotsomethingthatcanbeoverlooked.Withoutthem,themostyouwilleverachieveinlifeisgivinganappearanceofsuperficialcharm.Whilethisshallowimitationoftruecharismamayserveyouinsomesituations,itislikelytoleaveyouunsatisfied,andleaveyouopentothethreatofpeopleseeingstraightthroughyouandnotwantingtofollowyou.
Youshouldalsobesuretoheedthewarningofthechapterlistingthebehaviorsthathurtcharisma.Considercharismatobeafragilehouseofcards.Itwilltakeyouaverylongtimetobuild,butitcanbedestroyedinaninstant.Therefore,youneedtoalwaysthinkofdevelopingcharismaintwoways:developingpositivebehaviorsandavoidingnegativebehaviors.
Charismaticfiguresfromhistoryhavealsobeenofferedtoyouasbothawarningandaninspiration.Youareurgedtoneverstopseekingoutadditionalcharismaticfigures.Nowthatyouknowwhatcharismaisandisnot,youhave
charismaticfigures.Nowthatyouknowwhatcharismaisandisnot,youhavethetoolkityouneedtoanalyzeanygivenhumanbeingandseehowcharismaticheorshemaybe.Inthissense,charismaislikealensthroughwhichtoseetheworld.Neverstoplookingattheworldinthisway.
Perhapsthemostimportantthingforyoutokeepinmindonceyoufinishthisbookisonesingleword:application.Knowingaboutcharismaisimportant,infactvital.But,ifyouwanttohaveamoresatisfyingcareer,amoreauthenticrelationship,andamoreimpactfulinterpersonallife,youneedtoapplytheseideas.
Knowthatcharismaisnotallornothing.Itexistsindegrees.Youwillnotgofrom“zerotohero,”sotospeak,overnight.Likeanythinginlife,therearenocheatcodesforcharisma.Youneedtobewillingtoputintheworkandtostrivewithconsciousefforttobecomeamorecharismaticpersonineveryaspectofyourlife.
Onceyouhavedevelopedthecharismaticabilityforyourself,youmaywishtousethetoolsandtechniquesyounowpossesstohelpothersaswell.Ifyouareamanager,thinkhoweffectiveyourstaffwillbecomeiftheirownlevelsofcharismaincrease.Ifyouhaveafamily,imaginethesatisfactionyourchildrenwillexperienceshouldtheyincreasetheircharismainvariousways.Understandcharismaisoneofthemostpowerfulandimportantgiftsyoucangive.Begenerouswithit.
Finally,pleaseuseyourpowersforgood.Charismaisabsolutelypowerfulbeyondmeasure,asexamplesofcharismaticevil,suchasCharlesMansonshow.Understandthatyourcharismawillgiveyouunimaginedlevelsofinfluenceoveralmostanyone.Howyouutilizethisisuptoyou.Justbecareful.
Younowareapotentialmasteroflife’smostpowerfulweapon.Whatwillyoudowithit?
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