The PioneerIssue 6

Mar. 4, 2010

Page 12

attempting humor since 1922...ish

Hi, my name is Timmy. I am in Ms. Nelson’s forth grade class at Green Park Elemen… scool. After scool, I go home and my mom makes me apples and penut buter and then I watch MSN-BC and do my homework. I know a lot about poletics and stuff and the Backpage asked me to talk about what’s happning in Washington. I took some pictures to help me.

1) Okay here is Amrica and enshurance kompanys come in like RAWR and they eat Amerikas money and pepul are sick.

2) Obamma sees this and he is like POW PUBLIC OPTION and writes a paper that gives all pepul inserance and all the ap-ples and penut buter they want even if their moms say no.

But then the GOP comes in and is like ARRR MONEY and the meedia is like ARRR COMUNIST becus they don’t really know what the word means. I do that sumtimes. Like one time I tried to ask my mom for a grapefr… a aple but I forgot the word.

3) Then Paylin comes in and says RAWR DEATH PANELS and Dimocrats don’t do anything and Bydin reads a US.

4) So Obanna says sorry and changes the paper so only some pepul get insurance. And the GOP says ARR MEDICARE and the meedia say RAWR COMMUNIST and Paylin says OBAM-MA KILLS PEOPLE and the Dimocrats don’t say anything and Bydin goes out to get a hamb… a pizza

5) So Obenna does with the GOP and the Dimocrats about healthcare in a room like Ms. Nelson’s class and things seem like they are getting better. But the GOP keeps yelling RAWR MON-EY and Dimocrats keep not saying anything and Oberra keeps trying to get everyone to like him and Bydin takes a nap and Paylin keeps saying RAWR I AM CRAZY and the meedia keeps saying RAWR I AM CRAZY and kompanys keep eating Ameri-kas money and pepul are still sick and NOTING CHANGES AND NO ONE GETS APPLES AND PENUT BUTER!

LEGO my health care5. Four-day is great because you can…Drive on home to Seattle, go to Pike Place with your Mom until she says, “Ugh, have you ever gotten the smell of fish on your hands?” and then say, “Never! And it’s not because I’m vegetarian.”

4. Winter break is great because you can…Go to the Christmas service with your grandparents, sit with them right in front of the Jesus statue and ask them if they would be okay if you spent the rest of your life being: skinny but with amazing abs, typically portrayed with his hands in the air, and being literally just friends with female prostitutes.

3. Spring break is great because you can…Go to Cancun with the one ugly cousin in your family, wait for her to sulk around in her swimsuit and say, “Until they meet me, everyone assumes I have good genes because I’m in this family,” and then say, “Until they meet me, everyone assumes I have good jeans because I’M GAY!”

2. Summer is great because you can…Wait for the tanks to drive by in the 4th of July parade and tell your family, “Man, I could never join the Army! No seriously, I could never join the Army.”

1. Thanksgiving is great because you can…Wait until your father has his hand inside the turkey and your grandmother is packing fudge into boxes to send out for Christmas, and your mom asks you if you “got some good stuffing at college” and you’ll say, “No.”

“…Oh”, your mom will say, “Well that’s too bad, I heard that Bon Appétit did a great Thanksgiving meal,” and then you’ll do small talk for a while and then half an hour later you’ll be like, “I’m gay.”

Which break should you use to come out of the closet back home?!

Ok, so you’re gay! Why you came to a school that barely has men, let alone men capable of social interaction, let alone gay men, is NOT the question to ask right now. The question is . . .

Guide for setting up your gay friendHey girls! We here at the Backpage know that every lady dreams of having that per-fect “gay best friend” and setting him up with another gay man on campus. If done correctly, you can bag yourself two gay best friends, be the envy of everyone in your sorority section and take one step closer to becoming Carrie Bradshaw. We asked every girl on campus who claims to have done this to help us create this chart! Think of the guy you want to set up with your gay friend and ask yourself:

Nurses’ log from Cheney’s fifth hospital stayDick Cheney was recently released from the hospital for his fifth heart attack. The BP has recovered his nurse’s log of the eight hours he was there.

7:51 – While recovering, I first settled Mr. Cheney in the emergency ward, but he kept eating the cancer patients’ choc-olate pudding because, “They’re too soft to fight. Weak liberals.” I relocated the ex-vice president to the east wing.

8:35 – Mr. Cheney has been recov-ering by watching a compilation he made me put together of “Hostel,” “Top Gun” and footage of praying mantises eating their own young. He is consum-

ing an increasing amount of chocolate pudding.

9:11 – Oh God, Mr. Cheney’s room has run out of pudding. Cheney is out of control. WE NEED MORE PUD-DING! SOMEONE GET US MORE PUDDING!!??! His cries are like the screams of a thousand eagles!

10:13 – Mr. Cheney marched him-self over to me, dragging both his IV fluids and a pregnant woman in tow, who he “caught consuming pudding.” I explained that the maternity ward gets what pudding we have left because they need their fiber, but he knocked me to

the ground and demanded the woman’s sonogram, a scanner and a computer with Photoshop.

11:25 – Mr. Cheney just presented the board of directors with his “urgent discovery”: a fuzzy sonogram of a baby holding a gun that Mr. Cheney is “very confident is in the maternity ward as we speak.” We invade in an hour. All female doctors have been fired. Cheney is now Chief Nurse.

12:55 - Chief Nurse Cheney has been personally delivering all the babies de-spite the fact that he has no experience in the field and that it is extremely un-

sanitary to touch a baby with pudding-covered hands.

1:13 – Chief Nurse Cheney has been shouting instructions to Mrs. Jacobson for the past thirty minutes. He just asked me to look into printing a “BIRTHING ACCOMPLISHED” banner. Mrs. Ja-cobson is currently 2 cm dilated.

1:41 – One of the baby girls that Chief Nurse Cheney had insisted on person-ally delivering was discovered to have been living in the closet, whereupon Mr. Cheney quickly relocated his baby under the rug.

2:01 – Chief Nurse Cheney autho-

rized new hospital legislation to allow “enhanced interrogation techniques” on patients who are reluctant to provide medical history.

2:21 – Cheney shot his colleague in the face with 50 cc’s of Botox.

3:14 – Chief Nurse Cheney has taken all the decorative pillows from the Ma-ternity lounge, insisting that they were the last throws of the insurgency.

3:51 – Mr. Cheney has been dragged kicking and screaming from the prem-ises, declaring his replacement, Mr. Blake Sheppard, a “one-term chief of medicine.”

fe aturing

Is this guy gay?

YES

NO

But is he hipsterish, or wearing Diesel shoes, or has an appearance

that you could argue is gay?

YES

NO

But is he at least decent looking, or smells ok, or capable of making

eye contact without crying, vomiting, or cutting himself?

YESNO

set theM uP!

But have you ever not not not seen him blowing a dude?

NO I don’t understand what that means, but YES!

But do you want to be able to tell all your

girlfriends you set up your gay best friend?

YES

boys who like boysChapman Strong and Michael Blackwood

Take a moment to answer this question: Do you want to be funny and cool?

If you answered any variant of “HECK YEAH!” then have we got the most happening retort for you:

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Person 1: This pizza party is more convo-luted than the Iran-Contra Affair.Person 2: That reference is Too Late!™Person 1: You are hilarious.Person 3: I love you!

Female 1: Do you want to Get Jiggy Wit It to-night, you know, Just the Two of Us in Miami?Male 1: Too Late!™Female 1: I get it! You are jovially pointing out my Will Smith references are too out-dated to use. I would now like to sleep with you and this other female… MIB-style.Female 2: Heeeey ;)

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all Photos by cornelIus

dude. What, do you own the world? I guess I don’t just listen to what’s “cool” like you and your hipster friends. Should I be seeing some husband and wife elec-tronic duo from Brooklyn who only make Kanye West/Justin Bieber mash-ups in-stead? It’s bullies like you that make up the toxicity of our city.

Guy 1: Have you heard that one Jojo song?Guy 2: That’s a little Too Late.™Eavesdropping stranger: Was that joke? Did you funny?

Fraternity Affiliate 1: My professor totally dogged on me for turning in that essay I bought online. It was a total Oprah, James Frey, “Million Little Pieces” sitch. Fraternity Affiliate 2: Too Late™, Brah. Fraternity Affiliate 1: No dude, seriously. I’m getting expelled.Fraternity Affiliate 2: Oh. Bummer.

Student 1: I got two tickets to the System of a Down concert next weekend! Student 2: Too Late™! NOBODY LISTENS TO THAT BAND ANYMORE! Student 1: You’re such a dick,

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