Authentic ParentingBecoming a Love and Logic Parent

Todd JeffreyOregon Association for Talented and Gifted

Two rules of Love and Logic

Rule #1

Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lectures or threats.

Rule #2

When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving ways.

Helicopter and Drill Sergeants Helicopters send the message:

-You are fragile. -You need me to run interference.-You need me to protect you.- You can’t make it without me.

Drill Sergeants send the message:-You can’t think.-If have to do your thinking for you, boss you around, tell you what to do.-You aren’t capable of making it in life.

Self EfficacyThe belief in our abilities to deal with

problemsIt influences our

- Choices

- Effort

- How long we persist when facing obstacles

- How we fell

Guiding Children to Solve Their Own Problems

1. Have empathy

2. Send the “Power Message”

3. Offer choices

4. Have the child state the consequences

5. Give permission for the child to either solve the problem or not solve the problem

6. Metacognition

Empathy

Benefits of consequences with empathy

1. Child is not distracted by the adults anger.

2. Child must “own” his or her pain rather than blaming it on the adult.

3. Child less likely to seek revenge.

4. Child learns through modeling to use empathy with others.

5. It feels right.

How to Destroy the Teaching Value of a Logical

Consequence

1. Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.”

2. Display anger or disgust3. Explain the value of the

consequence.4. Threaten5. Talk too much6. Feel sorry and “give in”

Choices

They allow us to share control and have child practice decision making

Meaningfulness

“The whole process of education should thus be conceived as the process of learning to think through the solutions of real problems.”

Our Key Phrases

• Would you rather……or…….

• Feel free to ……or……….

• You can either…….or…….

Enforceable Statements OrGetting Kids to Follow Along (To do what you want them to do)

Design an enforceable statement/choice

• “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice!”

• “Be nice to each other. Quit fighting!”

• “Go to your room!”

How to neutralize arguing

Our Key Phrases

• “I know”

• “I love you too much to argue”

• “Nice try”

“That’s not fair…….

“That’s stupid……

“But dad lets me…..

“But everyone else gets to……

Level 1

Level 2

“You don’t love me………

Level 3

“I hate you………

Level 4

“I’m running away………..

Level 5

“Mom, Dad, I’ve learned my lesson. I’m sorry. I will never do it again…….

Sabotage • Jeffery’s mom complained to her Love and Logic facilitator, “Nothing works

with that child. I’ve tried everything you taught me, but he just doesn’t care. He just keeps interrupting me while I’m on the phone! I used the Energy Drain technique, but it didn’t work either!”

• Her skillful Love and Logic facilitator asked an insightful question: “Were you angry when you used the technique?”

• “Well, of course I was. He makes me so mad. I told him that he was getting on my last nerve, and that I was sick and tired of his attitude, and that if he kept it up I was going to have some major energy drains, and that he’d better start showing a little respect around here.”

• So there you have it. Mom sabotaged her discipline attempt with the two things that will ruin any attempt to use Love and Logic.

• She used anger instead of empathy.She used far too many words.

• All she needed to say was, “How sad. Your actions caused me an energy drain. You can put that energy back by raking the yard. Thank you.”

Messages

Jeffrey HouseJeffrey HouseI Believe….I Believe….

 I can handle it.

I am the master of my own fate 

I can figure out solutions to my problems 

I am not alone 

People care about me 

I make a difference in the world! 

http://www.authenticteaching.com