where are you really from?spring 2015

ASIAM “ASIAM”istheliteralanddynamicfusionoftwowordsandtwo

identities–AsianandAmerican.Thismagazineaimstodemonstratetheways

inwhichembracingthisdualidentityhasenrichedourexperiences,endeavors,

andperspectives.Ourgoalistocultivatethisuniquecompositeofculturethrough

literaryworksandartisticexpressioncenteredonourperceptionofbeingAsian

inAmerica.Weseektoeducateandfosterprogressiveandpositivegrowthinour

variedsocieties–Asian,American,both,orneither–inhopesofdiminishing

boundariesthatkeepthemseparatefromoneanother.Throughcelebratingpersonal

experiencesandexploringpertinentsocialissuesandculturaltrends,weaspire

tounearththeAsianAmericanvoicesandpresencewithintheBostonCollege

community.SowhetheryouidentifyasAsian,American,amixbetweenthetwo,or

whetheryousimplyrelatetoAsianculture,weinviteyoutojoinusinourjourney:

asyouare.

boston.college.asiam@gmail.comfacebook.com/bcasiam

Editor’s Note 1Yoshika Wason

The Audacity of Optimism 2Sijin Choi

Untitled 4Joyce Chang

You Know Me 5William Hwang

Gaysia 7Jun Young Park Adoption 8Kate Saxton

Untitled 9Quyen Nguyen

Happiness 10 Ken Leszkowicz From the Archives; Ding Oing 11Long Yang

spring 2015

ASIAM

12 Untitled Quyen Nguyen

16 Untitled Quyen Nguyen 19 Untitled Joyce Chang

20 The Crown Hyunwook Yoon

21 Untitled Quyen Nguyen

22 Assimilation Yoshika Wason 23 Untitled Dennis Ma 25 eboard 26 Cat Adalaide Diehl

1

YOSHIKA WASON

Editor’s Note

“Whereareyoureallyfrom?”it’saquestionthatmanyAsianAmericans

havebeenrepeatedlyasked—maybewe’veevenbeentheonetoaskthisto

others.I’vecometodiscoverthatembeddedwithinthisquestionisanunderlying

assumptionthattheresponderisn’ttrulyfromhere.Theimpliedothernesscanbe

difficulttoaddress.Doesonerespondinaneatlypackagedresponsethatiseasily

digestibletotheasker?Ordoesthisquestionrequireadetailedfamilyhistoryasway

ofexplanation?Thereareofcourse,amultitudeofwaysofaddressingthismicro

aggression.ForthiseditionofASIAM,weinvitedsubmitterstotakethisquestionand

answeritontheirownterms.Ihopethatthispublicationcanserveasanaffirmation

ofoursubmitter’sidentityandselfexpression.

Recently,IfoundoutthatduringWWII,JapaneseAmericanscreatedtheir

ownliterarymagazineswithintheconfinesofinternmentcamps.Tome,thisconfirms

thevalueofliterarymagazinesbecausethisplatformhastheabilitytoprovidesocial

commentaryandcreatecommunity.Inlightofthecurrentstateofracerelations,I

thinkthatit’simportantthatwecontinuetomaintainsafespacesforexpression.

Onapersonalnote,I’dliketoacknowledgetheimpactthatASIAMhas

hadonmycollegeexperience.Afterdevelopinganinterestincreativewritingand

poetry,IwasatapointwhereIwantedtosharemyworkwithothers.AlthoughIwas

interestedinsubmittingmyworktopublicationsoncampus,Irealizedthatthethemes

ofmypiecesdidn’tfitwithinthescopeofpre-existingliterarymagazines.When

IheardaboutASIAM,IfoundaspacethatIwassearchingforbutneverthought

existedforme.

Iwouldliketoacknowledgethattherealizationofthispublicationwouldnot

havebeenpossiblewithoutLongYang,myco-editorinchief.Iwouldliketothank

Longfortakinginitiativeovertheprocessesofpublicizingthismagazine.Iwouldalso

liketoacknowledgethehardworkanddedicationthatoureboardhasputintoASIAM.

Andofcourse,oursubmittersandreadersarewhatmakethisliterarymagazinea

success.

The Audacity of OptimismSIJIN CHOI

WhenIfirstappliedtoBostonCollege,Irememberdoingsomeresearch

onawebsitecalledcollegeconfidential.comtoseewhattypeofschoolIwasgetting

myselfinvolvedwith.Siftingthroughthousandsofmessagethreadsandposts,one

postthatstuckoutwastitled,“IsBostonCollegeRacist?”

Thatpostandquestionwouldpersistinthebackofmymindthroughoutmy

firsttwoyearsatBC.However,IrefusedtoacknowledgethatracismexistedatBC,

mainlybecauseIwasprivilegedtohaveadiversegroupoffriendsspanningmany

differentsocioeconomicandracialbackgrounds.Gradually,Ibegantotrivializemy

fears,labelingsuchsentimentsasmerenumbers,70%whiteand30%AHANA,and

notputtingmuchsignificancebehindthem.

Butonmyseconddayofsophomoreyear,Isawracisminitsmostugly

andrepulsiveformtakeplacerightoutsidethedormIlivedinonaSaturdaynight.

Inebriatedstudentswereyellingracistremarksouttheirwindowlike“gobackto

China”and“areyouthedeliveryguy?”whiletherecipientsofsuchremarkswere

myAsian-AmericanfriendswhomIsharedinthesamehurtandindignationwith.

Manyofmyfriendsnotinvolvedincultureclubsoftenaskmewhy

theAsian-Americancommunityissotight-knitand“exclusive.”Theyask

whytheAHANAstudentsoncampusseemsocliqueyandsatisfiedremaining

intheir“bubbles.”OneexplanationthatProfessorArissaOhofferedwasthat,

historically,similarethnicgroupsformedcompactcommunitiesforsurvival.While

Idon’tthinkitis“survival”thatistheultimateendofallmypeersthattakepart

intheAsiancommunity,Idobelievethesolidcamaraderieandsupportnetworkthe

communityaffordstoitsparticipantsisabigcomponentofitspotencyasamajor

studentgrouponcampus.

Myexperiencesthroughthefirsthalfofmyundergraduatecareerhaveled

metobelievethatthoseontheperipheryoftheAsianAmericancommunityatBoston

Collegeshouldstopaskingwhythecommunityis“exclusive”andinaccessible,and

2

3

insteadtaketheinitiativetocreateacultureofinclusivenessasageneralprinciplein

thegreaterBCcommunity–acommunitythatencouragesAHANAstudentstostep

outsideoftheircomfortzonesandtrynewthings.

Today,IstillbelieveinthegreatnessofBCbutalsorealizetheflawsthat

comewithit.Iguessitisapartofgrowingup:toacknowledgeimperfectionsinstead

ofbrushingthemoff.Oftentimesoverlunchorcoffee,Iamtoldtoberealisticwith

mygoalsforamoreraciallyintegratedBCcommunitybyupperclassmenthathave

foughtinthetrenchesforalongtime.Sometimes,theirwordsaremorecynicalthan

constructive.ItismyhopethatinmyfinalmomentsatBCtwoyearsfromnow,Ican

bestillfilledwiththeoptimismandfirmbeliefthatBCiscapableofovercomingits

imperfectionsandbeginchippingawayatthem.

JOYCE CHANG

4

5

You Know Me

YouknowthatIwasborninalandfaraway

China,Japan,orChina,

Asia.

InsteadofbeingborninAlameda,California

ToKoreanparentswhospeaktwo

Languages.

Youknowmeasthesmallchildintheback

Oftheclass,speaking

Slowly.

Insteadoftheboywhodevouredbooks

Withthehungerofadeprived

Vocabulary.

Iamthequietteenagerwhonever

Rebels,protests,speaks,

Butis.

Insteadoftheonewhogothisfirst“B”

Forwhisperingovertheteacher’s

Words.

Youknowmeastheaspiringdoctor

Whoissmarterwithout

Trying.

Insteadofthewriterthatstrugglestotellthestoriesof

Silenceandlong-awaited

Noise.

WILLIAM HWANG

YouknowthatIamamanwhois

invisible

Evenwhenpeopleare

Staring.

Insteadofamanwhodouseshimself

inpaintsof

Reds,whites,andblues,

Tobeheard.

6

Gaysia JUN YOUNG PARK

7

Adoption

PartI

Thefluorescentglowattheendofthetunnel.

It’sthebeginningoftheendforyouandme.

Losingwarmth,asthemanwiththewhiteglovesbreaksourfinalbond.

Icrybecauseyoudidn’treachforme.

IcrybecauseIcan.

Icrybecauseoneofusshould.

PartII

Icannotfathomwhatitwaslike

Iwillnotmakeexcusesforyourmistakes

Asyoudonotcaretolearnaboutmine

IcannotvisualizetheimpossibilityofadecisionthatIhavenevermade

Iwillnotfeelsorryforyou

Asyouhaveneverapologizedtome

Icannotempathizewithyourmisfortune

Iwillnottryto

Asyouarenotevenawareofwhatmakesmeweep

PartIII

Iwanttoknowyourintentions

Yourplans,

Thesoundofyourlaugh,

Andthesizeofyourfeet.

Iwanttoknowyourpassions

Yourgoals

Thepowerofyourvoice

Andthestrengthofyourpromises

Iwanttoknowyou

Yoursmell

Thewayyourskinfeels

Andthebumpsandbruises

Iwanttoknowyoursecrets

Yourthoughts

AndifI’mIoneofthem

KATE SAXTON

8

QUYEN NGUYEN

9

KEN LESZKOWICZ

Thecharacterreads‘shiawase’whichmeanshappiness.

Itdoesnotconveyinstantaneoushappinessorthehappinessyoufeelfrom

receivingagift;rather,itisthehappinessyoufeelwhenyou’rewithsomeonethat

youlove.

10

LONG YANG

From the Archives; Ding Oing

Onceuponatime,therewasasmallvillagejustoffthecityofFuzhou,

themajorcityoftheFujianprovinceinChina,calledTingJiang.DingOing,the

localscalleditintheirnativedialectofChinese.Thisvillagewasoneofthemany

Fuzhounesevillagesthatbeganamassexodusinthe90’s,onethateventually

caughttheNewYorkTimes’eyesbytheturnofthecenturyintheyear2000:

“TingJiang,nearhere,isknownlocallyasthe‘widow’svillage,’aquietformer

farmingtownwhosedwindlingpopulationconsistsalmostentirelyofoldpeople,

children,andwomen.”Oftengreatstories,tales,andepicsbeginwithprinces,

princesses,knights,andwizards.SowhatdidtheNewYorkTimeswantwiththis

impoverishedgroupofelders,widows,andbabes?Anentiredecadehadpassedwhile

theFuzhounesemenslippedthroughAmericanimmigrationservices,andtheNew

YorkTimespickedupthetalejustasitwaned.AlmostasstealthilythestoryofTing

Jiangbegan,justasquietlyitdies.

Thesedays,TingJiangisnolongeraFuzhounesetown.Mymomalways

bitterlysaysthatFuzhouisnowfilledwithSichuanesepeople.HerbitternessI

understoodimmediatelywhenwereturnedforalongoverduetripinthesummer

of2007betweenseventhandeighthgrade,landinginFuzhouairportaftereighteen

longandexhaustinghoursofnastyairplaneoxygen.SheaskedamaninFuzhounese

fordirections,whichshockedme.Neverdidwebeginconversationswithstrangers

inFuzhouneseforfeartheywouldn’tunderstandtheweirdhillbillyslangdialect.

Whynow?YettheanswerseemedquiteobvioustometheinstantIaskedthe

questiontomyself.ThiswastheoneplaceintheentireworldwhereFuzhounesewas

supposedtobenormal.Sorry,herespondedinMandarin,Idon’tknowFuzhounese.

Sichuaneseurchin,mymommutteredinthedialectonlyweunderstood.Sheswitched

toMandarin.EventhenitseemedthatTingJiangwasnolongertheFuzhouneseDing

Oing,buttheTingJiangofMandarinandromanticizedjustsoinEnglish.

11

QUYEN NGUYEN

12

ThevillageofTingJiang,namedsobecauseofitsproximityto

thewater,wasknownlongagoforthefishingindustry.Thatsummer,my

grandmothershoweredmewithlovetheonlywayFuzhouneseparentsknowhow,

withdeliciousfood.WhenIwasthere,shewouldcookformeallmyoldfavorites,

soysaucemarinatedduckeggs,thedeliciouswaterspinach,differentfriedor

steamedfish,andmanykindsofseafood.Shewouldgooutearlyinthemorning

tothemarketplacetobuythefreshestcatches,allnatural-bornandcaught

straightfromthesea.Delicacieslikeallthedifferentcrabs,eachwithdifferent

namesinFuzhouneseaccordingtotheirspecies,color,size,andofcoursetaste.

Mygrandparentsevenkeptadog—whosenamewassimplyDoginFuzhounese,

creative—thatwefedscrapsto.Hewasquitealargedog,roughlythesamesize

andbuildasaGermanshepherd,buthisfurwasgoldenbrown.Mygrandfather

hadpickedhimupasastraypuppyonthestreetsandbroughthimhome.Hewas

incrediblyobedientandsweetandwebecamefastfriendsinthefewweeksIwas

there.Someyearslater,Iwouldfindoutthroughararephonecallthathehad

died,ranoverbyacaronthehighway.

Growingup,Icouldneverforgetaboutthehighway.Aftermydaddied

whenIwassix,IwassentbacktoChinainthecareofhismother,thesame

grandmotherwhoshoweredmewithseafoodnoodlesandeggfriedcrab.Iwas

tooyoungandeveryonewastoobusytotakecareofmeinAmerica.BackinTing

Jiang,Ihadattendedelementaryschoolacrossthehighway.Wewalkedacross

thehighwaymanytimesaday.Alltheshopsandthemarketandtheschoolswere

ontheotherside.Everytimewecrossedwelookedcarefullyineachdirection,

verycarefully.TherewasnopedestriansafetyconceptinChinaandthedrivers

wouldn’thesitatetorunoverchildren.Nothingwouldhappentothemiftheydid.

Pastthehighway,therewerewindingstreetsoflittleshopsandpeople

allpackedtogether,almostlikeDiagonAlley.Allthestoreswouldfaceoutfrom

eitherdingygreystonecoveredwith

13

mossorhalfrottenwood.Throughthosestreets,wewouldcometoastonestaircase

etchedintothesideofalargegreystonewall.

Upthatwallwasthehugeconcretecourtyardofmyelementaryschool.

LookingthroughGoogleMapsofTingJiang,theelementaryschoolisstillthereand

marked,liketheydoforanydistinguishableestablishment.

Iwasattheschoolforayear,wearingmyuniformeveryday.Wehadbeen

taughthowtowritenumbersandlettersforpinyin,thephoneticversionofChinese

taughttochildren.EventherewewereforbiddentospeakFuzhounese;wewere

onlyallowedtospeakMandarin,theproperlanguageofChina.Writingtheletters

hadbeenoddforme--thereweretheexactsameonesastheAmericanalphabet,

onesthatIhadalreadylearnedinkindergarteninIndiana.Andagaintheyweretaught

tome,butthistimeinatotallydifferentway.Wordswouldstartwith“x”allthe

timeand“zh”wasaverydistinctandobvioussound.Eachdifferenttoneof“fa”

wouldmeansomethingtotallydifferent.Certainly,thiswasnotEnglish,eventhoughit

lookeddangerouslysimilar.

Crossingthathighway,beforeenteringthesmallwindingstreet,taking

aturntotheleft,andwalkingdownwouldgetustothecementchurch.My

grandmotherwasadevoutCatholic,awordIneverknewdefinedherreligionuntil

muchlaterinAmerica.Shewouldbringmetoaplainstonechurch.Thepeoplewould

gatherandkneelonthestrawthatblanketedthefloorandplacetheirelbowson

woodenbenchestopray,oftenusingtheirprayerbeads,eerilyresemblingBuddhist

beads,thatendedwithacrucifix.Thestraw,thebenches,andperhapsonepictureof

Marywasallthelittlebuildinghad.PicturesofJesusandMaryadornedtheoldstone

housethatmygrandfatherhadbuilt.Mygrandmotherhadtaughtmehowtocross

myself,tellingmeitwouldprotectmeagainstallsortsofdemonsandevils.WhenI

leftTingJiangafterthatyear,itwasaftertheturnofthecentury—theyear2000.I

wouldn’treturnuntil2007.Ihaven’tvisitedsince.

14

OnthewaybacktoAmericaduringthesummerof2007,westoppedinIndiana

foramonth,visitingmymom’ssiblingsandalltheirrespectiverestaurants.

NoneservedthetraditionalFuzhounesefoodweallshared,onlytheAmericanized

Chinesefoodthatwasexpectedofthem.Visitingthoserestaurantsremindedme

ofwhatworkwaslikewhenourfamilyusedtorunourown.Restaurantwork

washard.Itstartedatsevenoreightinthemorningandcontinueduntilmidnight

cleaningduties.Inthekitchens,wokswerecleanedbytheswooshingofthewater

gushingfromtapsonthewall.Thecooks,andoftenanyoneelsewhowasfree,

wouldholdmetalspongesunderspatulas,usingthemtoscrapeoffthegrimeover

thecookingarea.Heavymopswouldrunoverthehardtilesofthekitchen.The

nextday’sfoodwouldbeprepared.Thevacuumroaredthroughouttherestaurant

asitpassedthroughthecarpetinthediningareas.Themoneywascounted.

Finallythedoorswereclosedandlocked,waitingfortomorrow’searlymorning

toopenagain.

Iwassittinginthebackasthecarcametoafamiliarroundabout.We

pulleduptoanoldrestaurantthathadobviouslynotbeenusedforalongtime.

Iopenedthecardoorandsteppedout,lookingupatthebuildingbeforeme.A

confusingpingofrightnessrangthroughme.Itstartedfromwheremyheartisand

radiatedthroughoutmybody.Anolderrelativefumbledwiththelocksforabit,and

wewalkedinthroughthedoor.

Itwasdark,andsomeofthefurnishingsweren’texactlythesame,but

IknewthatI’dbeenthere.Isawthelightbrownwoodencounterthatranaround

theentirerightsideoftherestaurant.Irememberedthatcounter.Ihadbeena

childhere,soyoungthatIdon’tevenremembermyage.Irememberedseeing

picturesofthisplaceinmymom’soldalbumamongpicturesofheryoungerself

andherchildrenposingonfallencinderblocksinChina.WhenIwasyoung,the

counterwassohigh.Ihadtriedagainandagaintoliftmyselfontoitwithmyarms,

thewaymydadtaughtme.IhadalwaysbeenfrustratedthatIcouldn’tgeton

there.ThatwaswhereIlearnedtoclimbontopofledgesthatweretoohighfor

mylegs.

15

QUYEN NGUYEN

16

Oneofthepicturesinmymom’salbumshowsher,younger,withher

wavyhair,inthisrestaurant.Besideherismydad.Hewasmuchtallerthanher,and

bald.Hadhealwaysbeenbald?TherestaurantwasmuchmorelitwithredChinese

flourishingdanglingfromthewalls.Itshowedsignsoflife,ithadbeenworked.They

weresmiling.Theyhadopenedasuccessfulbusinessafterafewyearsofhardwork

inAmerica.Therestaurantrequiredlonghoursandhardwork,butitwasoursand

throughitourAmericandreamflourished.Wehadabusiness,ahouse,andevena

familycar.Mydaddrovehomeonenightwithabig,shiny,greencarandtoldme

enthusiastically,“Thiscarisyours!Butyou’retooyoungtodriveit,soI’lldriveit

foryoufornow.”

Afterbusinesshourswereoverandthecleaningwasmostlydone,itwas

typicaltohavedinnerataroundtenoreleven.WhenIfirstcametoAmerica,Imissed

waterspinach,theonlyvegetableIwouldeatwhenIwasachild.Itwassoftandoily,

unlikeothergreens,whichwerebitter.Iremembermygrandmotherfeedingittome

backinFujian.Shewouldbiteoffthelightgreenportions,thehardpartsthatwere

difficulttochew.Iwouldgetthesoft,darkgreenportions.Thosewerethejuiciest,

oiliestparts.Itwasdelicious.ButthereinIndiana,therewasnowaterspinach.In

frontofmewasaplateofsomethinggreen,almostlikemyfavoritefood.Itwas

cookedinthesameway:sautedinsoysauce,howChinese.Ipickedafewstrandsup

withmychopsticksandputitinmymouth.Immediately,Ifeltagrimyfeelingonmy

teeth,asifsomethinghadbeenlayeredonit.WhenIgroundmyteethagainsteach

other,itproducedashudderingresponsefrommyshouldersandneck.Itwasakin

tothatofmetalpotsscrapingagainsteachother.Isaidoutloud:“thisisn’twater

spinach”inFuzhounese.

“It’sthesamething!”mydadhadresponded.Igrudginglyatesomemore,

butneverasenthusiastically.Iknewitwasn’tthesame.Itjustcouldn’tbethe

samejuicyvegetablefromFujian,cookedandfedtomebymygrandmother.

17

Walkingintothatoldrestaurantagain,memoriesofmytimewithmyentire

familyfloodedbacktome.Butthatwasn’tourplaceanymore.Thathadchanged

whenmydaddied.Mymomsoldtherestaurantbecausewecouldn’tworkit

anymore.Wesoldourhouseandeventhecarmydadboughtforme.Heneverhad

thechancetogiveittome.Istilldon’tknowhowtodrive.WemovedtoNewYork

Chinatownsomymomcouldfindworkasaseamstressatasweatshop.She’ssewed

herentirelifeandwashighlyvaluedbyheremployersbecauseoftalent.Thatwas

wherewewouldreturnafterthesummerof2007.

MomtalksaboutDadsometimes.Shetoldushowmuchhisfirstbossliked

him,andhowmuchhehelpeduswhenmydadgotsick.Eventhoughbythenmydad

hadquitandwasworkinghisownrestaurant.Mydadusedtorundeliveries,I’m

sureofthat.Itmakessensenow,beinginthatoldcarwithmymomwaitingformy

dadtocomebackfromdroppingoffthefood.Irememberbeingreallyquietinthe

carbecauseIbelievedtherewassomelawthatprohibitedpeopletobeincarsthat

weren’trunning.Idon’twanttobecaught,Ihadtoldmyself.

IwonderifmydadeverthoughtthatduringhissojourntoAmericain1991,

“Idon’twanttobecaught.”Iheardstoriesaboutimmigrationwherepeoplewould

takeashipforfiftydaysandsneakthroughtheMexicandesert.Butmydaddidn’t,

hejusttookaplanetoLosAngelesandfromtheretoNewYork.Hetoldimmigration

servicesthathewasafaucetsalesman.Ilaughedhystericallywhenmymomtold

methat,imaginingmydadasafaucetsalesman.Thedebthadbeenset,andhewas

settledintoyearsofindenturedservitude.Oneofmymom’scousinsvmethimin

NewYorkandfoundhimajobinNewJersey.That’swhereheusedtorunthose

deliveries;IfiguredIlivedinNewJerseyatsomepointinmylife.

ThatwasoneofthemanystoriesofwheretheFuzhounesemenwent.This

wasn’tDingOinganymore;thiswasMeiWo,America.DespitewhattheNewYork

Timeswouldhaveyoubelieve,theydidn’tjustdisappearandturnupintheStates

doingrestaurantwork.Theyhadlives,parents,spouses,children,homes,languages,

cultures,identities,andreligions,andleftitalltotakeontheburdenofabetter

future.

18

JOYCE CHANG19

Yieldtothenormalityinthisone-sidedgame.

KillforthecallousleadintheYoonmaidenname.

Reachingfortheheavens,inalandofnoreligion

Westriveforthebestandisolate;thebrainlesspigeon.

Inthisendlesstragedy,ofprincessprejudicemajesty

Hercrownglistenssobrightlyitblindsme;logicalfallacy.

Dirtyaretheparticipantswho’sinitforthefame.

ShortlyIwillbeonworldtour;callmeDavidBlaine.

Theglassceilingwasbuiltbytheglasswemade,

Seemssohardtooverlooktheironyondisplay.

Razethefenceofyellow,buildtheMonticello.

Defendagainstsociety’sgravityandbetheOthello.

20

HYUNWOOK YOON

The Crown

21

QUYEN NGUYEN

AssimilationYOSHIKA WASON

22

WhydoAsiankidsonlyhangoutwithAsiankidsanyways?Youneedtofit

inwiththerightcrowd.Juststopbeingweirdaboutit.Youcouldfinallybenormal.Do

youwishyouwerewhite?Whyelsewouldyoudyeyourhairblonde?Andwhyare

youtryingoutforcheerleading?Don’tyouknowthatAsiangirlsdon’tdothat?Oh

mygod,Ican’tbelievehowbadyouareatmath.Soyou’redatingawhiteguynow?

Doeshecallyouexotic?Don’tyouknowthathewaswiththisotherAsianchick

beforeyou?Maybeyouknowher?Tobehonest,sometimesyou’rereallyfake.

Likejuststoptryingtobesomeoneyou’renot.What’sthatwordagain…ohyeah,

whitewashed.

DENNIS MA

Sometimesmyculturalguiltgetsthebetterofme.Ifeelthiseverytime

myChinesepronunciationslipsupbetweenstringsoftonalshifts,whenIdon’t

recallsayings,idioms,jokes,andrituals.IfeelguiltywhenIslipintofamiliarverbal

tics,becausemyvocabularyisn’tquitewhereitshouldbe,orwhenconversations

withmyparentshitawallduetoadearthofsharedanalogies.I’mstillclumsywith

chopsticks,can’torderoffamenuinaChineserestaurantforthelifeofme,and

havethereadingcomprehensionskillsofatoddler.

MyparentswillneverunderstandwhyIloveSeamusHeaneysomuch,

orhowtheEnglishlanguagehasthecapacitytomakemysynapsestingle.Withthe

exceptionofmyAsianpolitesse,I’vemostlyinheritedahodgepodgeofNewJersey

brashness,ruthlessaddictiontocoffee,appreciationofbagels,indierockandroll,and

astrangeaffectionforIPAs.IlistentoNPR,indulgeinTedTalks,andknowawee

toomuchaboutprepositions.Iam,forallintentsandpurposes,American.

Andthatassertionis,initself,ludicrous.OfcourseIamAmerican!Iwas

bornhere,andwillalwaysassertthattheUSismymotherland.SowhydoIfindthe

needtoconstantlyre-qualifymysenseofself?

WhydoIstillfeeloutoftheloop?

Ihavedifficultylettingthingsgo.Istillagonizeoverhighschoolclassmates

complimentingmeas“thewhitestAsiantheyknow,”asifCaucasianwere

analogoustonormativebehavior.IhavebeentoldcountlesstimesthatIcan’thandle

avehicle,notontheaccountofphysicalormentalimpairment,butonself-contained

racialjustification.IknowthatifItellstrangersthatIwasanEnglishmajoratBC,

theywouldbebroadlytakenaback,asifIhadsomehowinvertedthestatusquo.I

wasonceasked,

23

Untitled

innocently,ifIusedchopstickstoeatsoup,asiftoimplyasortofbackwardness.

Anoldflameoncecasuallytoldme,“ofcourseyoushouldknow,becauseyou’re,

youknow,Asian.”IfeelthatI’vespentmostofmybrieftimewillfullysubverting

expectations,poundingmyfistsuponboundaries,and,well,fightingracialized

demons,realorimagined.

InanarticleforSalon,ArthurChuwrites,“gettingbyon

‘intangibles,’on‘beingyourself,’onbeingvulnerableandrevealingyourfailures—

that’sforpeoplewhoaren’tculturaloutsiders.”Asian-Americansarestereotyped

asacademics,butnevermindthatwehavetoworkharderandperformbettertoeven

statisticallymatchthemobilitysharedbyourotherethnicpeers.Nevermindthat

televisionisfraughtwithAsian-Americanscastasmuffledexoticsandemasculated

men.Forallthebackhandedsecurityofour“modelminority”status,itis,and

remains,terriblylimiting.

Andso,towrapthisup,thisispreciselywhywhatASIAMisdoingis

necessary,andperhapsbrave.Itistakingthequestionofauthenticity—whereare

youreallyfrom?—andreverseinterrogatingit.Weneedtoshowthegreatercultural

consciousnessmorethanthedoctors,engineers,programmersandscientists.We

needtoshowthemourwords,ourhearts,ourart.Weneedtoexpandwhatitmeans

tobeAsianwithinthescopeofbeingAmerican.

Weneedtoannihilatethehyphen,andstartjustbeingus.

24

ASIAMExecutiveBoard

Co-Editors-in-Chief

Whereareyoureallyfrom?

25

Yoshika Wason 2015 A place where memories aren’t forgotten.

Long Yang 2016I’m a country boy living in Metropolis, originally from another world.

William Hwang 2015Jupiter. It’s a long story; I didn’t planet.

Marisa Acevedo 2018The alright coast, as opposed to the “Best Coast”

Liz Choi 2017Wayne, New Jersey.

Joyce Jiang 2017Buzzfeed says Portland, Minnesota.

Gabby Aquino 2016The very exotic state of New Jersey.

Sijin Choi 2017Seoul to Kona to the Empire State.

Content Editors

Layout & Design Editors

Public Relations Chair

Cat ADALAIDE DIEHL

26