anatomy of a conflict

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Anatomy of a Conflict

How to Handle Conflict in a Healthy Way

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The Interview

Before we begin…….

The interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYAj-eyH2ws

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYAj-eyH2ws

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYAj-eyH2ws

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Source of the following ideas ?

Three pre-requisites:

• Read credible sources

• Talk with people who know more than I do

• Reflect on my own experiences, including the hard kind

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We All Have a Journey

A few of my experiences:

• Getting married…much to learn

• Yep, I blew it…

• Wow, this really helps…

Results

TrustUnfiltered DialogueCommitmentAccountability

Adapted from Lencioni | Five Dysfunctions of a Team | The Advantage

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Healthy vs. Unhealthy Workplace Conflict

• We can assume both healthy and unhealthy conflict are happening NOW, though the word conflict has a negative connotation

• What is unhealthy conflict?– Differences that create tensions, overt

conflicts, or power struggles at the expense of those we serve

Do we see conflict as good?

Are we trapped into seeing conflict only as bad?

Much of Success = • Ability to process conflict• Reach a good outcome with others

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Are we ready to encounter our next conflict?

Weak strategies → experience conflict → costly outcomes

• Damaged morale

• Broken trust

• Missed opportunities

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Are we ready to encounter our next conflict?

Strong strategies → experience conflict → valuable outcomes

• Promotes understanding

• Builds trust

• New opportunities

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Become aware of the following:

• Our own conflict resolution style and the impact that can have on others

• What’s your style ? Are you a conflict avoider ? Resolver ? Confronter ?

• Are we operating from a place of abundance or depletion ?

Basic ways conflicts can go wrong

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We allow conflict to weaken trust:

• Trust is a foundational component of healthy relationships

• Conflict can bring an opportunity to grow trust

• Trust tends to be hard won and easily lost



We fail to distinguish between:

• Problems (an event)

• Patterns (recurring events)

• Relationships (on-going commitments between people doing events together)

• We allow a conflict to become the relationship

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We allow our own (bad) past experiences to influence future outcomes:

• Are we taking a fresh look at the facts and circumstances?

• Are we carrying around old wounds?

• Are we projecting something forward from another time and/or place?


Common (ineffective) Approaches to Conflict

Resolution{Defeat the other

side}• Power might be used in destructive ways

• The weaker side may become discouraged

• The dominated side may become demoralized

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{Avoidance}• Tends to rob the relationship of hope

• Problems tend to get worse over time

• Deprives participants of growth opportunities


Resolution

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{Negotiation}• Defines the relationship as wins and losses

• Shifts the focus to demands rather than relationship

• Likely to overlook important values, goals, & feelings


Resolution

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{Quick Fix}• Focuses on short-term expense of long-term

interests

• May undermine confidence in the ability to engage in conflict resolution

• Promotes a false sense of security


Resolution

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{Least Common Denominator}

• Reduces communication to an organizational chart

• Likely to discourage the less powerful

• Tends to restrict the options available for resolution


Resolution

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Getting back on course:

• While painful, treat verbal attacks as opportunities to clarify where people stand

• Avoid the temptation to deliver your own verbal attack….this will position you as a leader in the conflict

Conflict Resolution Tools

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• Check your own contribution to the problem

• Double check your own contribution

• Triple check it…….really!


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• Reframe the exchange by asking what happened to make the other person feel this way

• Then, use the facts, perceptions, and context to bring about a more constructive dialogue


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• Address the issue as soon as is reasonably possible– Check your own mindset before proceeding

• Invest in reflective listening

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• You do not understand until the other person knows that you understand

• Invite the other person to work with you to resolve the situation

• If they will not talk with you, don’t raise your voice, ask them to talk about how not talking is not working

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Know when to involve the “third side”:

• Involving a third party can be helpful and is sometimes necessary

• Premature or overuse of a third side can rob the relationship of opportunities for growth

• Keep short accounts, resolve small matters just you and the other person, escalating when needed

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3 Fundamentals that help:

• Listen….really; this may be the most powerful conflict resolution tool ever invented

• Tone….the other side needs to know that you are for them

• Know what you really want and why


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Distinguish between the following:

• Forgiveness – takes one; it’s letting go of the hurt that you feel was caused by other people or circumstances

• Reconciliation – takes two; you and the other person no longer have anything negative between you

• Restoration – takes two returning to the working context


Conflict at its best is the pursuit of truth1

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Conflict at its best is the pursuit of truth

Good Conflict is productive conflict, willingness to disagree around the important stuff

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Conflict at its best is the pursuit of truth

Good Conflict is productive ideological conflict, willingness to disagree around the important stuff

A leader mines for conflict in meetings

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• Learn to see conflict as the pursuit of the truth…..reality is your friend.

• Remember that when it comes to conflict, it’s always about how you respond.

• Proactively leverage conflict to bring about good personal and organizational results.

• Use conflict to build trust, win commitment, and bring about amazing results.

In Conclusion….

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• A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Enduring Wisdom

anatomy of a conflict

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