you said what? becoming aware of the things we say

BT3 Session 6/6/2013 10:15 AM

"You Said What? Becoming Aware of the Things We

Presented by:

Steven List Santeon Group

Brought to you by:

340 Corporate Way, Suite 300, Orange Park, FL 32073 888‐268‐8770 ∙ 904‐278‐0524 ∙ sqeinfo@sqe.com ∙ www.sqe.com

Steven “Doc” List Santeon Group

Steven “Doc” List has spent much of his thirty-five years in the software development community in leadership and coaching roles. Doc’s education in clinical and industrial/organizational psychology has contributed to his understanding of language and interaction between people. Recent roles as an agile coach and trainer have brought the importance of language and interaction into finer focus, as has his writing in his blog at stevenlist.com. Doc's experience as a leader, trainer, coach, presenter, facilitator, and professional speaker blends into an unusual appreciation for and mastery of the subtlety of spoken and written language.

You Said What?Becoming Aware of the Things We Say

Presented by Steven “Doc” ListVice President, Santeon Learning

Santeon GroupDoc@Santeon.com

Thursday, June 6, 13

You start...

• Get with a partner - you don’t have to know them. In fact, it MUST be someone you don’t know!

• Spend two minutes talking about experiences you’ve had where ambiguous language caused a problem/situation.

• Write down one brief note each

• Each person will share their partner’s example in 10 seconds or less

What do you want?

• Based on what you read and what lead you to be here, what would you like to get out of this session?

• With your partner, spend two minutes talking about it. Each of you write down your goals on a card.

• Three minutes of volunteer sharing.

Cornell Notes

Cues Notes

Summary

Keywords, questions, and other things that jog your memory or make you

think.

Main ideas, simple triggers, paraphrased from the session.

Summarize what you learned in a few points here.

Who am I?

• Psychology

• 35 years

• Software

• Coach

• Photographer

Learning Objectives

• You will be able to define “qualifiers”

• You will be able to define/describe “dominant language”

• You will have some specific tools for clearer, more effective communication

Be prepared to volunteer

• Throughout the remainder of this session, we will need volunteers. Please be ready to volunteer. Please. Really.

• It won’t hurt. :)

The Power of Language

Colloquialisms

• Need two volunteers

• Everyone else get with a partner

• Listen to the dialog

What will happen?

• Will the tasks get done?

Script for Colloquialisms

A: I need you to take this envelope and mail it.

B: Gotcha.

A: When you’re done, please pick up some lunch for me.

B: No worries.

A: After lunch, I’d like to get together and talk about the project you’re working on.

B: Mmhmm

A: Do you have any questions?

B: It’s all good.

Ambiguities

A: I need you to take this envelope and mail it.

B: Gotcha.

A: When you’re done, please pick up some lunch for me.

B: No worries.

A: After lunch, I’d like to get together and talk about the project you’re working on.

B: Mmhmm

A: Do you have any questions?

B: It’s all good.6

Colloquialisms

• It’s all good!

• Dope

• Fat (Phat)

• Stupid

• Radical*

Collaboration

• Everyone else get with a new partner

How many?

• How many words/phrases are suspect?

A: Have you set up the meeting?

B: Not yet. You were supposed to send me the background information.

A: Oh, right. You didn’t remind me.

B: When did it become my job to remind you?

A: Okay, okay.

B: Are you ready to run the meeting?

A: Yup. I’m revving up to drive them to the end!

Script for Collaboration

A: Have you set up the meeting?

B: Not yet. You were supposed to send me the background information.

A: Oh, right. You didn’t remind me.

B: When did it become my job to remind you?

A: Okay, okay.

B: Are you ready to run the meeting?

A: Yup. I’m revving up to drive them to the end!

Suspects 5

Make a list

• Make a list of words/phrases that you hear every day that sound collaborative but are not

• Make a list of words/phrases that are used in a collaborative environment, but are not

• Trade lists with your partner

Collaborative versus...

• Wrong vs. I disagree

• Bad vs. Less effective

• Lazy

• Sloppy

• Ignorant*

Behavior vs. ?

Questions for you

• What are the facts?

• What are the assumptions?

A: You didn’t say hello this morning.

B: True.

A: Why are you upset with me?

B: Why are you always so picky?

A: Wait. Are you being argumentative again?

B: What do you mean “again”?

A: In the meeting yesterday, you disagreed with me in front of the team.

B: ARGH! You’re so sensitive!

Script for Behavior

A: You didn’t say hello this morning.

B: True.

A: Why are you upset with me?

B: Why are you always so picky?

A: Wait. Are you being argumentative again?

B: What do you mean “again”?

A: In the meeting yesterday, you disagreed with me in front of the team.

B: ARGH! You’re so sensitive!

Script for Behavior

Answers

• Facts/Behavior

• Didn’t say hello

• Disagreed in the meeting

• Assumptions

• upset

• picky

• argumentative

• sensitive

Score yourself

• One point for each fact and assumption you got that matches my list

• One point for each additional fact or assumption that your partner agrees with :)

Behaviors vs. Assumptions

• Observable == Behavior

• Did

• Said

• Not observable == Assumption

• Felt

• Thought

Behavior vs. Motivation

• Late vs. Disrespectful

• Speaking Loudly vs. Mean, Angry,...

• Crying vs. Lonely, Sad, Miserable, Frightened, Embarrassed,...

Qualifiers

Questions for you

• Which words are “qualifiers”?

A: We’re pretty much ready for the client meeting.

B: Did you do the research?

A: Yes. We sort of did a survey of their prospective customers.

B: Have you written up the results of the survey?

A: We kind of put together a - y’know - spreadsheet of the results.

B: And a slide deck to present to them?

A: Yeah, pretty much.

B: Let’s go!

Script for Qualifiers

A: We’re pretty much ready for the client meeting.

B: Did you do the research?

A: Yes. We sort of did a survey of their prospective customers.

B: Have you written up the results of the survey?

A: We kind of put together a - y’know - spreadsheet of the results.

B: And a slide deck to present to them?

A: Yeah, pretty much.

B: Let’s go!

Script for Qualifiers

Qualifiers

• pretty much

• sort of

• kind of

• y’know

• pretty much

Score yourself

• One point for each fact and assumption you got that matches my list

• One point for each additional fact or assumption that your partner agrees with

More Qualifiers

• About

• Around

• Almost

• Basically

• Metaphorically

• Just

Judgment

Questions for you

• What are the assumptions?

• What are the trigger words?

A: Where should we go to dinner tonight?

B: I dunno. What do you think?

A: How about Smith’s Barbecue?

B: That’s dumb. We went there last week.

A: How about Chico’s Tacqueria?

B: That sucks. The food is so greasy there.

A: Okay. I give up. Where do you think we should go?

B: Lame! You can’t think of more than two places to go?

Script for Judgment

A: Where should we go to dinner tonight?

B: I dunno. What do you think?

A: How about Smith’s Barbecue?

B: That’s dumb. We went there last week.

A: How about Chico’s Tacqueria?

B: That sucks. The food is so greasy there.

A: Okay. I give up. Where do you think we should go?

B: Lame! You can’t think of more than two places to go?

Script for Judgment

Questions

• What were the trigger words?

• Who was criticizing whom?

• What actually happened?

Answers

• One point for each fact and assumption you got right

• Dumb

• Sucks

• Greasy

• Lame

Control

Questions for you

• What are the control-oriented words?

A: I think we should have a meeting about project status.

B: I agree. Who should run the meeting?

A: You should run it. You can drive them to the right conclusion.

B: Okay. So I’ll be in charge of the meeting, and you’ll support me.

A: Yes. I’ll be your “ringer”.

B: As the Project Manager, it’ll be my job to make sure that the team gets their work done.

A: Yup. You’re the supervisor. I expect you’ll keep them on track and keep the project on track.

Script for Control11

Score yourself

• One point for each key word/phrase you got

Walk About

• Pick a partner

• Walk and talk: what have you learned and what will you do with it?

• Switch partners every 90 seconds

Walk About

• Pick a new partner

Walk About

Sharing

• Please volunteer

• Share what any of your partners told you they learned and what they’re going to do with it

Thank you!

Doc ListVice President, Santeon Learning

Santeon Groupwww.Santeon.comDoc@Santeon.com

+1 512.924.9248

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