understanding grief & loss emily allaire, lmsw grief counselor p| 319-272-2002...

Understanding Grief & Loss

Emily Allaire, LMSWGrief Counselor

P| 319-272-2002eallaire@cvhospice.org

Our personal experiences shape our understanding

• What do I know about grief?• What have my own experiences with grief

been?• What have I learned?

Grief vs Mourning

• Grief: Internal thoughts and feelings

• Mourning: Outward expression of grief

Worden’s Tasks of Mourning

1) Accept the reality of the loss2) Process the pain and grief3) Adjust to life without the deceased4) Maintain a connection to deceased while

exploring a new life

Symptoms of grief• Physical

– Sleep disturbance– Shortness of breath– Tightness in throat– Physical distress– Weight change

• Emotional– Sadness– Anger– Guilt– Anxiety– Loneliness

• Behavioral– Forgetfulness– Searching for deceased– Wandering aimlessly– Worrying more about others,

wanting to make them feel comfortable

– Needing to retell the story of the loved one’s death

– “Suicidal” talk

Disenfranchised grief

“Unspeakable” deaths

Suicide/HomicideSuddenPet loss

AIDS

Traumatic deaths

• Grief is different• Painful• Struggle to help• Struggle to understand

Calendar dates

• Holidays• Birthdays• Anniversaries• Date of death• Tuesday

Healing vs Curing

• Grief is ongoing• Processing• Nothing to “get over”• Must move through• Avoiding prolongs the process

What NOT to say

• I understand• I know• You will survive• He/She is better off• Why are you still sad?• It’s been a year• At least you have another

child

• How can I help?• What do you need?• You need counseling• Get over it• Have you started dating?• At least you’re young• This will pass• Everything happens for a

reason

How to be supportiveSAY

• I care• Tell me about him/her• What’s your favorite

memory?• You are in my thoughts• Want to do lunch?• It’s ok to cry• How are you doing

today/right now?

DO• Listen• Practice patience• Acknowledge dates• Acknowledge deceased• Bring over a meal• Share memories• Accept “no” for an answer