tool kit for life

Tool Kitfor

Life

8 Life Skills

• #1 Unconditional Self-Acceptance

• #2 Recognize Mistaken Goals

• #3 Evaluate your thoughts,feelings, and actions

• #5 Internal Locus of Control

Skill #5

Internal Locus of Control

page 9

The real formula forfeelings

Event + Thoughts = Feeling

Thoughts cause feelings,not events

Event + Thoughts = Feeling

Everything otherssay and do

and that happens is just an

EVENT

It’s YOUR choice….• How you look at things• What meaning you attach• What you remember about the past• What you imagine will happen next• What you expect (self, others, life)• What you focus on• What you compare things to• How much importance you attach• What you spend your time thinking about

It’s YOUR choicehow you want to feel

• No one upsets you, you upset yourself

• You are responsible for how you feel, not others

• It’s not their problem if you feel bad, it’s yours

• It’s not their job to make you feel better, it’s yours

Event + Thoughts = Feeling

“It’s just an EVENT”

Is NOT intended to bediscounting

of a tragic eventin your life

“It’s your choice how you want to feel”does NOT mean…

• You shouldn’t feel the way you do

• It’s your fault you feel that way

• There’s something wrong with you for feeling that way

• It’s okay others said or did something

• You’re making a big deal out of nothing

It simply meansthere will always be more than

one wayto look at anything

And some ways will makeyou feel BETTER

And others will make youfeel WORSE

Some will make it EASIERto deal with things

Others will make it HARDER

And you do have aCHOICE

Developing an Internal LOC also means…

• To learn what you do and don’t control

• To focus on and work with what you do control

The Reality is….

• We can’t control what others think, feel, say and do

• We only control what we think, feel, say and do

Furthermore….

• Others can think, feel, say and do whatever they want to

• They don’t have to think, feel, say or do anything

• Least of all what we want them to

It also means…

To avoid taking unnecessaryresponsibility for how

others make themselves feel

You’re responsible forwhat you say and do

But not for how othersmake themselves feel about it

People can upset themselvesas little or as much

as they want to

It’s THEIR choice….

• How THEY look at things

• What meaning THEY attach

• What THEY remember about the past

• What THEY imagine will happen next

• What THEY expect (self, others, life)

• What THEY focus on

• What THEY compare things to

• How much importance THEY attach

It’s THEIR choicehow THEY want to feel

• No one upsets them, they upset themselves

• You’re not responsible for how they feel, they are

• It’s not your problem if they upset themselves, it’s theirs

• It’s not your job to make them feel better, it’s theirs

Selling Points

• Having real Power

• Stop giving away power and control you do have

• Being and feeling in control

• Feeling the way YOU want to feel

• Best way to get even is to feel good

But most of all

Being smarter than everyone else

Life Skill #4

Understand why change is hard, and what it takes to

make changes(page 6)

Fact

Everything you think, feel, say and do

is a product ofconnections and pathways

between nerve cellsin your brain

It then becomesAUTOMATIC

to think, feel, say and do things

Types of RUTS

• Cognitive (thinking)

• Emotional (feeling)

• Behavioral (doing)

RUTS

• Why people tend to recreate their past

• Why peoples history often becomes their destiny

• That could be good or bad

Important

• Once RUTS are created, you can’t get rid of them

• You can only make new ones

To Change

• Make a new connection to think, feel, and do things differently

• Use it until it becomes a RUT

• Until it can compete with your old RUTS

You can alwaysslip back into your old

RUTS

Understandable

Part of being human

Skill #3

Recognize and Correct Irrational Thinking

(page 13)

Remember

• Thoughts cause feelings, not events

• Attitude is the father of behavior

Recognizing Irrational Thinking

• Demandiness

• Awfulizing

• Can’t Stand It-itis

• Label and Damning

Demandiness

What do we really NEED?

We need air water and food

We’ll die in minutes, days, or weeks

if we don’t get them

Do we needLOVE

the same way we needair, water and food?

How about theacceptance, approval, respect

of others?

Has there ever been adeath certificate

that listed the cause of death as a lack of

LOVE?

Or the lack ofacceptance, approval, respect?

Maslow’sHierarchy of Needs

Love and Belonging?

Would you want your sisteror daughter to

think they NEED a boy’s lovelike they need

air, water and food?

Rule #1

You have the right to want whatever you want

Mistakes people make

• Start to think they NEED things they simply want

• Start to treat simple preferences as NECESSITIES

• Start to DEMAND what they simply desire

Understandable

Part of being human

Perceived Need

• You think you need something

• And it’s nice to have

• But you’re NOT going to die if you don’t get it

• You CAN live without it

Rule #2

The bigger the difference between your expectations and reality, the more emotion you’ll

generate needlessly

Others Anger

Self Anxiety (before)Shame, Guilt (after)Loneliness

Life Depression, AnxietyBoredom

Anger is a Temper Tantrum

SHOULD

Others Yourself Life

Anger Shame Depression Guilt Loneliness

Rule #3

When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people

do stupid things

Rule #4

Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over

behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference

Awfulizing

“You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill”

My grandfather

Rule #5

You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to

Can’t Stand It-itis

If you truly couldn’t stand it

• Die (physically)

• Go crazy (mentally)

Labeland

Damning

Label and Damning

• Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise

• Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thing

• Condemning the DOER instead of the DEED

Life Skill #7

A Step-by-step Approachto troublesome life events

Why?

Because people tend to plug into their old

cognitive, emotional, behavioralRUTS

Dr. Ellis’ Steps (p 17)

• A Activating Event 1 or 2

• B Beliefs (recognize) 3

• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2

• D Dispute (correct) 4

• E Effective Coping Statement 5

• F Functional Amt. of Emotion

Correcting Irrational Thinking

(page 16)

Page 17

• A Activating Event

• B Beliefs

• C Consequences (feel, do)

• D Dispute (correct)

• E Effective Coping Statement

Demandiness

Tool #1

How dare they say that about me?

How could they say something like that?

How could I make such an obvious mistake?

The answer is always

EASILY

Tool #2

Simple and directQuestions

Tool #2 - Demands

B: They can’t (shouldn’t, must not) say things like that

D: Why can’t they? D: They can’t, or you just don’t want them to? D: They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?

If you answer with“Because….”

it’s the wrong answer

B: They have to (should, must) apologize for that

D: Why do they have to?D: They have to, or you just want them to?D: They have to, or you’d just like them to?

B: I have to (MUST) get an A

D: Why do you have to?D: You have to, or just want to?D: You have to, or would just like to?

Rule #1

You have a right to wantwhatever you want

Rule #5

You have a right to like or dislike

whatever you want to

Tool #3

Rewrite your Demandsas the

Wants, Preferences, Desiresthey start out as

UseI-Messages

B: They have to apologize for that

DPW: I want them to apologize for that I’d like them to apologize OR

I’d appreciate it if they’d apologize I’d rather they apologize for that I’d prefer they apologize I wish they would apologize

B: They can’t say things like that

DPW: I don’t want people saying that I don’t like when people say that OR

I don’t appreciate when they say that I’d rather they didn’t say that I’d prefer they not say things like that I wish they wouldn’t say that

Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be

Practice talking the wayyou want to think

Awfulizing

Tool #2 - Awfulizing

B: It’s awful that they said that

D: Why is it so awful? D: Is it awful, or just unpleasant? D: Is it awful, or just uncomfortable? D: Is it awful, or just inconvenient? D: Is it awful like having cancer?

Can’t Stand It-itis

Tool #2 – Can’t Stand It-itis

B: I can’t stand when people do things like that

D: Why can’t you stand it?D: Are you going to die or go crazy?D: You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?

Labeland

Damning

Tool #2– Label & Damn

B: They’re jerks for saying things like that about me

D: Why are they jerks just because of that?D: They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing?D: They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like?D: They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest

of us?

• A Activating Event

• B Beliefs

• C Consequences (feel, do)

• D Dispute

• E Effective Coping Statement

Effective Coping Statements Page 18 It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel

• A Activating Event

• B Beliefs

• C Consequences (feel, do)

• D Dispute

• E Effective Coping Statement

• F Functional Amount of Emotion

Dr. Paul HauckWhen you don’t like a situation

(page 19)

• Problem Solve + Assert Yourself

• Tolerate WITH disturbance

• Tolerate WITHOUT disturbance

• Leave

Tolerate WITHOUT Disturbance

D = DisputingE = Effective Coping Statements

Life Skill #8

Assert yourself withI Messages

I Messages

• Start with pronoun I

• Simply give information

• Leave the choice to them

• Point your finger at yourself

Information• “I don’t like when….”

• “I like it better when….”

• “I get sad…frustrated when….”

• “I realize….understand….know…”

• “I’m sorry that….”

• “I wish I could take back...undo…”

• “I just want…..”

How to practice

• Writing letters

• Proactive Dialogues

Tool Kit for Life

• #1 Unconditional Self-Acceptance

• #2 Recognize Mistaken Goals

• #3 Evaluate your thoughts, feelings, actions

• #4 Understand why change is hard, how to do it

• #5 Internal Locus of Control

• #6 Recognize and correct irrational thinking

• #7 Step-by-step approach to life events

• #8 Assert yourself with I Messages

To fix anything that’sBROKEN

To build somethingBETTER

“Any job is easyif you use the right tool”

www.itsjustanevent.com

You Tube

Channel: itsjustanevent

Mental and EmotionalFitness

Parts #1-13