tool kit for life
DESCRIPTION
Tool Kit for Life. 8 Life Skills. #1 Unconditional Self-Acceptance #2 Recognize Mistaken Goals #3 Evaluate your thoughts,feelings, and actions #5 Internal Locus of Control. Skill #5 Internal Locus of Control page 9. The real formula for feelings Event + Thoughts = Feeling. - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
Tool Kitfor
Life
8 Life Skills
• #1 Unconditional Self-Acceptance
• #2 Recognize Mistaken Goals
• #3 Evaluate your thoughts,feelings, and actions
• #5 Internal Locus of Control
Skill #5
Internal Locus of Control
page 9
The real formula forfeelings
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Thoughts cause feelings,not events
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
Everything otherssay and do
and that happens is just an
EVENT
It’s YOUR choice….• How you look at things• What meaning you attach• What you remember about the past• What you imagine will happen next• What you expect (self, others, life)• What you focus on• What you compare things to• How much importance you attach• What you spend your time thinking about
It’s YOUR choicehow you want to feel
• No one upsets you, you upset yourself
• You are responsible for how you feel, not others
• It’s not their problem if you feel bad, it’s yours
• It’s not their job to make you feel better, it’s yours
Event + Thoughts = Feeling
“It’s just an EVENT”
Is NOT intended to bediscounting
of a tragic eventin your life
“It’s your choice how you want to feel”does NOT mean…
• You shouldn’t feel the way you do
• It’s your fault you feel that way
• There’s something wrong with you for feeling that way
• It’s okay others said or did something
• You’re making a big deal out of nothing
It simply meansthere will always be more than
one wayto look at anything
And some ways will makeyou feel BETTER
And others will make youfeel WORSE
Some will make it EASIERto deal with things
Others will make it HARDER
And you do have aCHOICE
Developing an Internal LOC also means…
• To learn what you do and don’t control
• To focus on and work with what you do control
The Reality is….
• We can’t control what others think, feel, say and do
• We only control what we think, feel, say and do
Furthermore….
• Others can think, feel, say and do whatever they want to
• They don’t have to think, feel, say or do anything
• Least of all what we want them to
It also means…
To avoid taking unnecessaryresponsibility for how
others make themselves feel
You’re responsible forwhat you say and do
But not for how othersmake themselves feel about it
People can upset themselvesas little or as much
as they want to
It’s THEIR choice….
• How THEY look at things
• What meaning THEY attach
• What THEY remember about the past
• What THEY imagine will happen next
• What THEY expect (self, others, life)
• What THEY focus on
• What THEY compare things to
• How much importance THEY attach
It’s THEIR choicehow THEY want to feel
• No one upsets them, they upset themselves
• You’re not responsible for how they feel, they are
• It’s not your problem if they upset themselves, it’s theirs
• It’s not your job to make them feel better, it’s theirs
Selling Points
• Having real Power
• Stop giving away power and control you do have
• Being and feeling in control
• Feeling the way YOU want to feel
• Best way to get even is to feel good
But most of all
Being smarter than everyone else
Life Skill #4
Understand why change is hard, and what it takes to
make changes(page 6)
Fact
Everything you think, feel, say and do
is a product ofconnections and pathways
between nerve cellsin your brain
It then becomesAUTOMATIC
to think, feel, say and do things
Types of RUTS
• Cognitive (thinking)
• Emotional (feeling)
• Behavioral (doing)
RUTS
• Why people tend to recreate their past
• Why peoples history often becomes their destiny
• That could be good or bad
Important
• Once RUTS are created, you can’t get rid of them
• You can only make new ones
To Change
• Make a new connection to think, feel, and do things differently
• Use it until it becomes a RUT
• Until it can compete with your old RUTS
You can alwaysslip back into your old
RUTS
Understandable
Part of being human
Skill #3
Recognize and Correct Irrational Thinking
(page 13)
Remember
• Thoughts cause feelings, not events
• Attitude is the father of behavior
Recognizing Irrational Thinking
• Demandiness
• Awfulizing
• Can’t Stand It-itis
• Label and Damning
Demandiness
What do we really NEED?
We need air water and food
We’ll die in minutes, days, or weeks
if we don’t get them
Do we needLOVE
the same way we needair, water and food?
How about theacceptance, approval, respect
of others?
Has there ever been adeath certificate
that listed the cause of death as a lack of
LOVE?
Or the lack ofacceptance, approval, respect?
Maslow’sHierarchy of Needs
Love and Belonging?
Would you want your sisteror daughter to
think they NEED a boy’s lovelike they need
air, water and food?
Rule #1
You have the right to want whatever you want
Mistakes people make
• Start to think they NEED things they simply want
• Start to treat simple preferences as NECESSITIES
• Start to DEMAND what they simply desire
Understandable
Part of being human
Perceived Need
• You think you need something
• And it’s nice to have
• But you’re NOT going to die if you don’t get it
• You CAN live without it
Rule #2
The bigger the difference between your expectations and reality, the more emotion you’ll
generate needlessly
Others Anger
Self Anxiety (before)Shame, Guilt (after)Loneliness
Life Depression, AnxietyBoredom
Anger is a Temper Tantrum
SHOULD
Others Yourself Life
Anger Shame Depression Guilt Loneliness
Rule #3
When people start to think they need something they simply want, it makes otherwise smart people
do stupid things
Rule #4
Behavior intended to satisfy a perceived need will win out over
behavior intended to satisfy a rational preference
Awfulizing
“You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill”
My grandfather
Rule #5
You have a right to like or dislike whatever you want to
Can’t Stand It-itis
If you truly couldn’t stand it
• Die (physically)
• Go crazy (mentally)
Labeland
Damning
Label and Damning
• Calling an apple “bad” because it has a bruise
• Calling someone “stupid” because they did a stupid thing
• Condemning the DOER instead of the DEED
Life Skill #7
A Step-by-step Approachto troublesome life events
Why?
Because people tend to plug into their old
cognitive, emotional, behavioralRUTS
Dr. Ellis’ Steps (p 17)
• A Activating Event 1 or 2
• B Beliefs (recognize) 3
• C Consequences (feel, do) 1 or 2
• D Dispute (correct) 4
• E Effective Coping Statement 5
• F Functional Amt. of Emotion
Correcting Irrational Thinking
(page 16)
Page 17
• A Activating Event
• B Beliefs
• C Consequences (feel, do)
• D Dispute (correct)
• E Effective Coping Statement
Demandiness
Tool #1
How dare they say that about me?
How could they say something like that?
How could I make such an obvious mistake?
The answer is always
EASILY
Tool #2
Simple and directQuestions
Tool #2 - Demands
B: They can’t (shouldn’t, must not) say things like that
D: Why can’t they? D: They can’t, or you just don’t want them to? D: They can’t, or you just don’t like when they do?
If you answer with“Because….”
it’s the wrong answer
B: They have to (should, must) apologize for that
D: Why do they have to?D: They have to, or you just want them to?D: They have to, or you’d just like them to?
B: I have to (MUST) get an A
D: Why do you have to?D: You have to, or just want to?D: You have to, or would just like to?
Rule #1
You have a right to wantwhatever you want
Rule #5
You have a right to like or dislike
whatever you want to
Tool #3
Rewrite your Demandsas the
Wants, Preferences, Desiresthey start out as
UseI-Messages
B: They have to apologize for that
DPW: I want them to apologize for that I’d like them to apologize OR
I’d appreciate it if they’d apologize I’d rather they apologize for that I’d prefer they apologize I wish they would apologize
B: They can’t say things like that
DPW: I don’t want people saying that I don’t like when people say that OR
I don’t appreciate when they say that I’d rather they didn’t say that I’d prefer they not say things like that I wish they wouldn’t say that
Put your behavior where you want your attitude to be
Practice talking the wayyou want to think
Awfulizing
Tool #2 - Awfulizing
B: It’s awful that they said that
D: Why is it so awful? D: Is it awful, or just unpleasant? D: Is it awful, or just uncomfortable? D: Is it awful, or just inconvenient? D: Is it awful like having cancer?
Can’t Stand It-itis
Tool #2 – Can’t Stand It-itis
B: I can’t stand when people do things like that
D: Why can’t you stand it?D: Are you going to die or go crazy?D: You can’t stand it, or just don’t like it?
Labeland
Damning
Tool #2– Label & Damn
B: They’re jerks for saying things like that about me
D: Why are they jerks just because of that?D: They’re jerks, or just did a jerky thing?D: They’re jerks, or just did something you didn’t like?D: They’re jerks, or just FHBs like the rest
of us?
• A Activating Event
• B Beliefs
• C Consequences (feel, do)
• D Dispute
• E Effective Coping Statement
Effective Coping Statements Page 18 It’s not the end of the world It’s not that big a deal It’s over and done with They can say whatever they want to People can believe whatever they want The only person I control is me I’ve survived worse It’s my choice how I want to feel
• A Activating Event
• B Beliefs
• C Consequences (feel, do)
• D Dispute
• E Effective Coping Statement
• F Functional Amount of Emotion
Dr. Paul HauckWhen you don’t like a situation
(page 19)
• Problem Solve + Assert Yourself
• Tolerate WITH disturbance
• Tolerate WITHOUT disturbance
• Leave
Tolerate WITHOUT Disturbance
D = DisputingE = Effective Coping Statements
Life Skill #8
Assert yourself withI Messages
I Messages
• Start with pronoun I
• Simply give information
• Leave the choice to them
• Point your finger at yourself
Information• “I don’t like when….”
• “I like it better when….”
• “I get sad…frustrated when….”
• “I realize….understand….know…”
• “I’m sorry that….”
• “I wish I could take back...undo…”
• “I just want…..”
How to practice
• Writing letters
• Proactive Dialogues
Tool Kit for Life
• #1 Unconditional Self-Acceptance
• #2 Recognize Mistaken Goals
• #3 Evaluate your thoughts, feelings, actions
• #4 Understand why change is hard, how to do it
• #5 Internal Locus of Control
• #6 Recognize and correct irrational thinking
• #7 Step-by-step approach to life events
• #8 Assert yourself with I Messages
To fix anything that’sBROKEN
To build somethingBETTER
“Any job is easyif you use the right tool”
www.itsjustanevent.com
You Tube
Channel: itsjustanevent
Mental and EmotionalFitness
Parts #1-13