thirty: ten things i learned during my twenties · 2016-09-12 · have, obviously, never been one...
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thirty.
by mo l ly f l inkman
ten things I learnedduring my twenties
introductionThirty. A new decade. Ever the over thinker, I have beenprocessing this age since around the time I turned twenty-nine. Ihave, obviously, never been one to take birthdays or new seasonsof life lightly.
But it doesn't feel quite right to move forward without first lookingback, so for the past few months (and as a particularly cathartic,personal experience), I have been combing back through mytwenties.
And, as I began looking back on each chapter of that decade ofmy life, I realized that each of those years taught me somethingunique. That each year changed me or refined me in some way.
Some of the chapters were relatively uneventful while others wereparticularly painful, but hindsight I can see very clearly how Godused each year of my twenties to shape me into who I am today.
Each chapter following is a glimpse into what I learned duringthat particular year of my life.
It's nothing out of the ordinary, really. There is no real tragedy ornail-biting cliffhanger (unless you're particularly riveted by thingslike marriage or car trips across the country).
But it is real. It is how I got where I am today, and that felt worthwriting about (at least for me).
chapterst he mo s t impo r tan tth ing I eve r l ea rnedabou t l ove
the l i f e -g iv ing power o fc ommun i ty
the one whe re no th inghappened
my s e cond iden t i tyc r i s i s
eve ry th ing ' s j ake
f ea r : t h e tho rn in myf l e sh
the yea r my l i f e f e l tha rde r than eve ryonee l s e ' s
t h e impo r tance o fpadd l ing
though t s on sa c r i f i c e
" c l eve " ing t o t oday anda l l I ' v e l ea rned s o fa r
20
21
22
2324
25
26
2728
29
twentythe most important thing I ever learned about love
I s t epped f oo t i n t o my twen t i e th yea r j u s t one mon tha f t e r J ake and I had s ta r t ed da t ing . We came back t oc o l l ege tha t f a l l f r e sh f r om a summer spen t wr i t i ngl e t t e r s t o one ano the r and s t i l l t ry ing t o f i gu r e ou twhat ou r r e la t i on sh ip l o oked l i k e now tha t we weren ’ tj u s t f r i end s anymore . I r emember th i s b i r thday wi th apa r t i cu la r v iv idne s s .
J ake p i cked me up a t my do rm and t ook me t o a c r e ekbank we had newly d i s c ove r ed . The wate r ’ s edge wasl i ned wi th weep ing wi l l ows and gave the i l l u s i on o fl eav ing the c on f ine s o f t he subu rb s ( even though werema ined we l l i n the i r g ra sp ) . He sp r ead a b lanke t onthe i n c l i n e o f the bank and unpacked a f ew o f myfavo r i t e th ing s : a ga l l on o f swee t i c ed t ea and afami ly - s i z e bag o f Coo l Ranch Do r i t o s . *
We weren ’ t t he r e l ong , and I don ’ t r emember what weta lked abou t , bu t I am su r e tha t I s a t nex t t o J ake tha tn igh t w i th the same anx i ou s an t i c i pa t i on I wou ld f e e lthe r ema inde r o f my twen t i e th yea r .
What an un l i k e ly c omb ina t i on we were . I ’m su r e youcou ld no t f i nd two more d ra s t i ca l ly d i f f e r en tpe r s ona l i t i e s t o pa i r t oge the r . I ba lanced Jake ’ s s en s e o fadven tu r e and t endency t o l ean t oward r ebe l l i on wi tha s t r i c t adhe r ence t o ru l e s and a sup r eme ly gu i l tycon s c i en ce . H i s i ndependence was cha l l enged by mysen s i t iv i ty and the d i f f e r en ce s i n ou r c ommun i ca t i ons ty l e s l ed t o many conve r sa t i on s i n wh i ch S i l en ce spokethe mo s t word s .
B e ing wi th Jake ha s neve r been the " ea sy op t i on . " Il i ved in a c on s tan t s t a t e o f anx i ou sne s s t ha t yea rbe cau s e I c ou ldn ’ t b e l i eve Jake wou ld eve r choo s es omeone l i k e me and be cau s e I was s o c razy abou t h imtha t I c ou ldn ’ t imag ine no t hav ing h im . The twof ee l i ng s d idn ’ t mar ry we l l .
We d id have one th ing in c ommon though ; s ome th ingtha t I am conv in ced I l ea rned th i s yea r be cau s e i twou ld ca r ry me th r ough the yea r s t o f o l l ow .
I t was a s imp le , ye t we igh ty unde r s tand ing tha t l ovei s a cho i c e .
I t i s no t s ome th ing e i the r o f u s ha s eve r taken l i gh t ly—even then .
I knew I l oved Jake by ea r ly -Oc t obe r . I had d r iven h imto downtown Ch i cago , and wh i l e he unde rwen t wr i s ts u rge ry , I s p en t e igh t hou r s i n the ho sp i ta l wa i t i ng r oomread ing The P lague , by Albe r t Camus , andin t e rmi t t en t ly wat ch ing the t ra shy s oap ope ra s tha ta i r ed a l l a f t e rnoon (bo th equa l ly dep r e s s i ng in the i rown r igh t ) .
I wen t back t o s e e J ake once he was awake , and a s Iwat ched h im t ry t o ge t a s t raw in t o h i s mou th wi th theane s the s i a work ing ha rd aga in s t h im , I knew . I t hadbeen the wor s t day—I was bo r ed ou t o f my mind andt i r ed o f s i t t i ng on a wa i t i ng r oom cha i r— and , ye t , t he r ewas nowhe re e l s e I wan ted t o be .
B e ing wi th Jake was a cho i c e I knew I wanted t oc on t inue mak ing . Even f r om the beg inn ing , I knew i twou ld no t a lways be ea sy bu t equa l ly be l i eved i t wou lda lways be wor th i t .
And i t ha s a lways been wor th i t .
He r e ’ s s ome th ing e l s e tha t w i l l a lways be wor th i t :B r i ng ing a d r ink wi th a s t raw i f you eve r ge t t o s e eJake po s t - ane s the s i a .
* I c ou ld wr i t e a sub - chap t e r f o r th i s yea r o f my l i f eca l l ed “How I l o s t 20 pound s . ” The f i r s t k ey t o mysuc c e s s ? E l im ina t ing the c on sumpt i on o f swee t i c ed t eaand Coo l Ranch Do r i t o s .
twenty onethe life-giving power of community
I had more fun in c o l l ege than 95% o f c o l l ege s tuden t s , afa c t tha t can be p r oven i f eve r a s tudy ana lyze s thenumber s o f c o s tume s worn , r oad t r i p s t aken , and dancer ou t ine s pe r f o rmed by a s i ng l e do rmi t o ry f l o o r . S omehowI managed t o c onv in ce a l l my f r i end s t o pe r f o rm inf l o o r -ho s t ed ta l en t shows and f i nd bag s o f penn i e s I hadbur i ed beh ind the f oo tba l l f i e l d (d r e s s ed a s p i ra t e s , m indyou) . When High S choo l Mus i ca l f i r s t came ou t , myf r i end Rache l and I wat ched the VHS tape he r mom hadre co rded f o r u s a t l ea s t t h r e e t ime s a day un t i l we hadl ea rned eve ry s ong and dance .
My coo lne s s canno t be unde r s ta t ed .
By the t ime I t u rned 2 1 , I had moved o f f campus andl ived wi th f ive o f my g i r l f r i end s . I packed up my danceco s tume s tha t yea r , bu t d id make them d r e s s up l i k ef i f t i e s hou s ewive s once t o make a mus i c v ideo wi th me . It h ink I f ound a hea l thy ba lance .
I had l ived wi th th r e e o f my r oommate s s i n c e f r e shmanyear . Our c l o s ene s s can be be s t exp la ined by the twobunk bed s we pu shed t oge the r du r ing ou r s ophomoreyea r , and , when you l ive i n su ch c l o s e p r ox im i ty t oo the r peop l e f o r ex t ended pe r i od s o f t ime , you can ’ t he lpbu t t o know them we l l .
Th i s yea r o f my l i f e b r ough t the beg inn ing o f the end o fc o l l ege . My f r i end s and I we re a l l l o ok ing ahead t owhat came nex t , and , wh i l e we weren ’ t go ing t o bet e r r i b ly fa r f r om one ano the r i n p r ox im i ty , t h r e e hou r so r a d r ive a c r o s s t own i s s t i l l a va s t change when you ’ r eu s ed t o a qu i ck t r i p t o the ba s emen t .
My la s t yea r o f c o l l ege b r ough t wi th i t t he beg inn ing o fa c ommi tmen t t o f i nd c ommun i ty whe reve r I wen t . Ig radua t ed f r om co l l ege a d i f f e r en t pe r s on than when Is t epped f oo t on t o ou r campus f ou r yea r s p r i o r . A be t t e rpe r s on . More gene rou s and more open t o adven tu r e s andmore aware o f the need s o f t he peop l e a r ound me .
And a l l t ha t be cau s e I s u r r ounded myse l f w i th goodpeop l e .
I don ' t t h ink you can ta s t e th i s k ind o f c ommun i ty , andthen go on t o l ive wi thou t i t , and I know th i s be cau s emy th r e e r oommate s a r e s t i l l s u r r ounded by l i f e -g iv ingsuppo r t sy s t ems o f peop l e even though we now r ep r e s en tth r e e t ime zone s and two d i f f e r en t c on t inen t s .
S ome peop l e t ry t o be l i eve tha t they don ’ t need peop l et o ge t by in th i s l i f e , bu t I don ’ t buy i t .
J ake and I wou ldn ’ t be whe re we a r e t oday wi thou t thepeop l e God p la c ed in ou r pa th s a l ong the way . Whe the ri t was peop l e who men to r ed u s , o r s uppo r t ed u s , o r j u s twa lked th r ough l i f e w i th u s , we a r e be t t e r be cau s e wehave cho s en t o l e t peop l e i n t o ou r l ive s .
I t h ink God knew I needed t o know th i s , s o , f r om ve ryea r ly on in my l i f e , He ha s pu t good peop l e i n my pa th .A l l owed me t o ta s t e how much be t t e r s ea s oned th i s l i f ei s when sp r ink l ed wi th c ommun i ty , s o I wou ld know t oneve r t ry t o do i t w i thou t .
And , l u ck i ly , wh i l e i n c o l l ege , a t l ea s t , He wen t ones t ep fu r the r and gave me peop l e who f e l t a s pa s s i ona t eabou t s i ng ing show tune s i n t o spoon mi c r ophone s a s Iwas . I ’ l l b e f o r eve r g ra t e fu l f o r tha t .
twenty twothe one where nothing happened
My f i r s t yea r o f mar r iage was pa r t i cu la r ly uneven t fu l . *J ake and I had bo r ing j ob s , wh i ch we ha rd ly eve r eventa lked abou t i n the even ing s be cau s e we d id a lmo s texac t ly the same th ing eve ry day . We spen t mo s t o fthe s e even ing s ea t ing ch i cken ( tha t ’ s a l l I knew how t ocook back then) and wat ch ing P r i s on B r eak t oge the r .Mos t o f t he t r i p s we t ook r evo lved a round who wasge t t i ng mar r i ed nex t , and , when peop l e ven tu r ed ou rway , we sa t a t ou r k i t chen tab l e and p layed Ba lde rda shf o r hou r s .
Mar r iage su i t ed u s .
S i x mon th s i n t o ou r mar r iage r ou t ine , t he c on s t ru c t i oncompany Jake was work ing f o r s t a r t ed s end ing h im ou to f t own f o r work . He ’ d d r ive a f ew hou r s , wo rk Mondayth rough F r iday , and then c ome back home eachweekend . B e f o r e he l e f t t he f i r s t t ime , I s obbedconvu l s ive ly in ou r bed room be cau s e I d idn ’ t want h imto go .
I t was ado rab l e .
20 14 Mo l ly ( the one who s e hu sband l e f t f o r th r e es t ra igh t week s j u s t 6 days a f t e r the i r s e c ond ch i l d hadbeen bo rn) ha t e s 2009 Mo l ly . She ’ s a l l , “ Pu l l you r s e l ft oge the r . You ’ r e pa the t i c . ” Un fo r tuna t e ly , 2009 Mo l lycan ’ t hea r he r amid s t a l l t he weep ing and hy s t e r i c s .
2009 Mo l ly i sn ’ t t o ta l ly wor th l e s s , t hough . When Ith ink abou t he r , I ’m r eminded tha t pe r spe c t ive on lycome s wi th l i f e expe r i en ce . Tha t i t ’ s un fa i r t o m in im i zes omeone e l s e ’ s pa in o r sadne s s be cau s e you haveexpe r i en ced s ome th ing wor s e .
Chew on tha t , 20 14 Mo l ly .
Now, my l i f e c e r ta in ly i sn ’ t marked by any k ind o fs eve r e t ragedy o r l i f e -a l t e r i ng moment s a s s ome peop l ea r e dea l t , bu t I have me t my own var i ou s cha l l enge sa l ong the way . And , a s the cha l l enge s have be comemore d i f f i cu l t t o dea l w i th o r ove r c ome , I ’m r emindedtha t th i s s hou ldn ’ t d i sm i s s t he s t rugg l e s o f o the r s .
I n s t ead , adve r s i ty p rov ide s me wi th an oppo r tun i ty t ol ove peop l e who wa lk whe re I have been . To empath i z ewi th the i r pa in , even i f I have ga ined the pe r spe c t ive t oknow tha t i t w i l l b e a sho r t - l ived s ea s on in the g rands cheme o f the s t o ry .
I t h ink we bea r a g r ea t r e spon s ib i l i ty t o l ive l i f e w i thpeop l e . To u s e the expe r i en ce s God g ive s u s t o en cou rageand empower tho s e who can r e la t e . To tu rn tho s e ha rdmoment s i n t o oppo r tun i t i e s t o r e l a t e t o peop l e w i thwhom we come in c on ta c t . To do away wi thconde s c en s i on and embrace c ompas s i on .
I mean , i t p r obab ly wasn ’ t ea sy f o r Mi chae l t o be i np r i s on du r ing s ea s on one o f P r i s on B r eak . Bu t th ink o fhow many peop l e he was ab l e t o f r e e f r om bondagedur ing h i s va r i ou s s t ay s i n va r i ou s p r i s on s . H i s ha rdt ime s r ea l ly bene f i t t ed o the r s j u s t a s the en t i r e s e r i e sha s g iven me mean ing fu l me tapho r s f r om wh i ch t od raw .
* I wou ld be r emi s s t o ove r l o ok the fa c t tha t th i s i s t heyea r I r ead a l l s even Har ry Po t t e r book s f o r the f i r s tt ime . S o , t o say th i s i s t he yea r whe re no th ing happenedi s obv i ou s ly a g ro s s unde r s ta t emen t be cau s e , we l l ,Harry Po t t e r .
I had my f i r s t i d en t i ty c r i s i s r i gh t a r ound the t ime It u rned 1 8 . I was a f r e shman in c o l l ege , away f r om homefo r the f i r s t t ime , and I ex i s t ed in a c on s tan t s t a t e o fl one l i ne s s . I wen t f r om be ing invo lved in eve ry th ing t oinvo lved in ve ry l i t t l e , and I s pen t mo s t o f my even ing sl o cked beh ind the c l o s ed doo r o f my do rm room be cau s eI d idn ’ t have anyone t o go t o the d in ing ha l l w i th andwas t oo anx i ou s t o pu t myse l f ou t the r e and make newf r i end s .
I t was the f i r s t t ime in my l i f e tha t I r ea l ly had t of i gu r e ou t who I was—some th ing I was keen ly aware o fdu r ing the en t i r e r e f i n ing p ro c e s s . I had r ead th r oughthe book , Vic t o ry ove r the Da rkne s s , by Ne i l T .Ande r s on wi th a sma l l g r oup the yea r be f o r e and thep r in c ip l e s I l ea rned in tha t s t udy wou ld l ay thef ounda t i on f o r what I needed t o l ea rn du r ing myf r e shman yea r o f c o l l ege and then be r eminded o fdu r ing each sub s equen t i d en t i ty c r i s i s I wou ld fa c e ( th i sha s been a r e cu r r i ng theme in my l i f e ) .
He r e i s a quo t e tha t I k ep t c oming back t o tha t yea r :
We don ’ t s e rve God t o ga in Hi s a c c ep tance ; we a reac cep t ed , s o we s e rve God . We don ’ t f o l l ow Him to bel oved ; we a re l oved , s o we f o l l ow Him . I t i s no t whatwe do tha t de t e rmine s who we a re ; i t i s who we a retha t de t e rmine s what we do .
God s t r i pped me o f a l l my t i t l e s t ha t yea r . I d idn ’ t p layon any spo r t s t eams o r j o i n any c lub s . I wasn ’ t pa r t o f adance s tud i o o r the member o f any l eade r sh ip t eams .God u s ed th i s raw t ime in my l i f e t o b r ing me back t othe on ly de f i n ing qua l i ty tha t mat t e r ed and c on t inue st o mat t e r t o th i s day : deep ly l oved by God .
twenty threemy second identity crisis
F ive yea r s l a t e r , I wou ld tu rn 23 . And f ive yea r s l a t e r Iwou ld need t o be r eminded o f th i s s ame p r in c ip l e . J akeand I had spen t a yea r o f ou r mar r iage f o cu s ed on be ingmar r i ed and then were r eady t o beg in ou r r e spe c t iveca r ee r s . Un fo r tuna t e ly , nobody was qu i t e r eady t oac c ep t u s i n t o ou r cho s en f i e l d s , s o we spen t ano the ryea r i n l imbo . I s p en t th i s yea r o f my l i f e a s asub s t i t u t e t ea che r , wh i l e s imu l taneou s ly ge t t i ng r e j e c t edf o r mu l t i p l e t ea ch ing po s i t i on s .
I was r eminded c on t inua l ly du r ing th i s t ime tha t I c ou ldno t be de f i ned by my ca r ee r . I was pa s s i ona t e abou t i t ,s u r e , bu t a t the end o f the day , the r e was s o much moret o my s t o ry . I was more than j u s t a j ob .
I was deep ly l oved by God , and the way I l ived myl i f e in r e spon se t o tha t was a l l tha t r ea l ly mat t e r ed .
I t was a sho r t s ea s on ; many o the r s expe r i en ce th i swa i t i ng game o f i n t e rv i ews and r e j e c t i on s f o r f a rl onge r , bu t I am thank fu l tha t I had a l r eady ga ined thepe r spe c t ive I needed t o he lp me th r ough what c ou ldhave been an even more d i s c ou rag ing t ime .
I t wou ldn ’ t be the l a s t i d en t i ty c r i s i s I wou ld fa c ee i the r . B e coming a t ea che r . B e coming the wi f e o f adoc t o r . B e coming a mom . Be coming a s tay -a t -home mom .Each t ime I pu t on a new ha t o r shed an o ld one , I ’mg iven a cho i c e : I can l ive de f i ned by the t i t l e s I ’m g ivenand the th ing s tha t I do , o r I can l ive de f i ned by thel ove God f r e e ly g ive s me .
And , wou ldn ’ t you know , eve ry th ing i s a lways be t t e rwhen I de f i ne myse l f by the l a t t e r .
twenty foureverything's jake
Here i s a two - s en t ence c onve r sa t i on , wh i ch Jake and Ihave a t l ea s t on ce a week :
Mo l ly : That s t r e s s e s me ou t . J ake : That ’ s no t hard t o do .
The o the r day , s omeone t o ld me I was l a id back , and Ihad t o l augh be cau s e , a s f a r a s I can t e l l , I ’m one o f thel ea s t l a id back peop l e I know . I wo r ry abou t a l l k ind s o funnece s sa ry th ing s and am ea s i ly ove r taken by s t r e s sand the numbe r o f unche cked boxe s on my t o -do l i s t .
J ake i s my pe r f e c t ba lance i n th i s way . He ha s th i sp r o f ound ab i l i ty t o ta l k me o f f t he edge o f my c l i f f o femo t i on s be f o r e I l o s e myse l f i n t o the i r dep th s . I n thevar i ou s t ime s I ’ v e had t o spend week s away f r om Jake , Ihave t o p r epa re myse l f t o go a l i t t l e b i t c razy a t l ea s tonce wi thou t h i s mag i ca l power s o f ca lm and r ea s on ing(he ’ s a s e c r e t w i za rd o f the s e r ene , t ha t guy) .
My f i r s t yea r o f t ea ch ing t e s t ed the l im i t s o f my s t r e s sth r e sho ld , and th i s wou ld be c l ea r i n l o ok ing a t myle s s on p lan book the n igh t be f o r e my f i r s t day ( the f i r s tpage in c luded a minu t e - t o -m inu t e b r eak down o f ea ch90 minu t e , b l o cked c l a s s pe r i od , f o r c ry ing ou t l oud) .
I t was du r ing th i s yea r , t hough , tha t I l ea rned one o fmy favo r i t e word s .
J ake .
By d i c t i ona ry de f in i t i on , i t s imp ly mean s “ a l l r i gh t ” o r“ s a t i s f a c t o ry . ”
How a re you do ing?
J ake .
And eve ry th ing was j ake th i s yea r be cau s e my Jakecon t inua l ly r eminded me tha t i t was .
Now, Jake doe sn ’ t c omp l e t e me (an en t i r e ly d i f f e r en tand impo r tan t e s say a l t oge the r ) , bu t he c e r ta in ly doe smake me be t t e r . And I ’m s o g ra t e fu l f o r h i s l og i c andab i l i ty t o he lp me s e e r ea s on be cau s e , t h r oughou t th i syea r o f my l i f e , h e taugh t me tha t the r e i s no s en s ewor ry ing abou t th ing s a s l ong a s I ’m do ing my be s t andwork ing ha rd in the m id s t o f t hem .
So , t o anyone who th ink s I am a la id -back pe r s on , I f i r s twant you t o know tha t the r e a r e cu r r en t ly th r e e c o l o r -c oded t o -do l i s t s s i t t i ng on the de sk i n my o f f i c e . Bu t ,a l s o , I l i k e ly am more l a id back be cau s e be ing mar r i edt o J ake ha s taugh t me and con t inue s t o t ea ch me t o be .
Even s t i l l t oday in ou r mo s t s t r e s s f u l s ea s on s , J ake pu l l smy f e e t back t o the g r ound and r emind s me tha teve ry th ing wi l l b e a l l r i gh t . Tha t we ’ l l g e t th r ough i tt oge the r .
Tha t guy . J ake i s j ake , you know?
twenty fivefear: the thorn in my flesh
My roommate s i n c o l l ege had b ig d r eams . L i ke , “ I ’mgo ing t o move t o ano the r c oun t ry , s o I can change thewor ld ” type d r eams . Me? I bough t a book a t ou rbook s t o r e ca l l ed J u s t i c e i n the Bu rb s b e cau s e I was s ode spe ra t e t o p r ove tha t peop l e i n ve ry sa f e p la c e s a l s oneeded J e su s . *
I r e c en t ly f ound a box o f o ld j ou rna l s , a f ew o f wh i chwe l l ch r on i c l e the p r og r e s s i on o f my r e la t i on sh ip wi thJake . R igh t a f t e r we s ta r t ed da t ing , we had aconve r sa t i on abou t ou r fu tu r e s . He r e i s a d i r e c t quo t ef r om myse l f , c i r ca 2006 :
I t i s a l s o wor th no th ing tha t I b i t the bu l l e t ( the r e ’ san appropr ia t e pun) and a sked Jake what he want s f o rh i s l i f e . I was s ca r ed t o dea th t o hear s ometh ing l i ke“mi s s i onary ove r s ea s my who le l i f e . "
I t ’ s a lmo s t l aughab l e how de spe ra t e ly I was t ry ing t op r e s e rve a ve ry spe c i f i c p lan I had la id ou t f o r myse l f .E spe c ia l ly when you c on s ide r tha t I was da t ing J ake .
Fa s t f o rward t o the end o f my 25 th yea r : J ake and Iwe re d r iv ing t o chu r ch one Sunday morn ing when hesugge s t ed tha t we spend a mon th o f ou r summerove r s ea s s omewhere . And be cau s e none o f my we l l -c ra f t ed ( s e e : pa r t i cu la r ly " f au l ty " and " l ame " ) ex cu s e s a st o why we shou ldn ’ t go d id any th ing t o de t e r h im , wed id s ome ne twork ing and landed ou r s e lve s on a t r i p t o ac l o s ed Mus l im coun t ry in Af r i ca a f ew mon th s l a t e r .
I was t e r r i f i ed and p r e t ty c onv in ced tha t I was go ing t od i e , ye t the r e was s t i l l no good r ea s on no t t o go . A f t e ra l l , none o f my ex cu s e s r e f l e c t ed any s o r t o f T ru th Io the rwi s e knew .
I go t on the f i r s t p lane f e e l i ng tha t t e r r o r bu t a l s ohop ing the t r i p wou ld cu r e me—re l ea s e me f r om thep r i s on f ea r had kep t me in f o r s o l ong . And ye t , f ea rs tu ck c l o s e by me du r ing a l l t h r e e week s we were i ncoun t ry . I t p r i c k l ed up my ne ck in the m idd l e o f then igh t and p r e s s ed aga in s t my che s t i n the hea t o f t heday .
And I was s o f ru s t ra t ed be cau s e I j u s t wanted t o be r i do f my v i c e . I t was when I came back and was r e f l e c t i ngon the pe r s i s t en ce o f f ea r tha t I was r eminded o f Pau l ’ swo rd s i n 2 Co r in th ian s 1 2 :
So t o keep me f r om becoming conce i t ed be cau se o f thesu rpa s s ing g rea tne s s o f the r eve la t i on s , a tho rn wasg iven me in the f l e sh , a mes s enge r o f Sa tan t o hara s sme , t o keep me f r om becoming conce i t ed . Three t ime sI p l eaded wi th the Lo rd abou t th i s , tha t i t shou ldl eave me . Bu t he sa id t o me , “My grace i s su f f i c i en t f o ryou , f o r my power i s made pe r f e c t in weakne s s . ”The re f o r e I wi l l boa s t a l l the more g lad ly o f myweakne s s e s , s o tha t the power o f Chr i s t may r e s t uponme . Fo r the sake o f Chr i s t , then , I am con ten t wi th weakne s s e s , in su l t s , ha rd sh ip s , pe r s e cu t i on s , and ca lami t i e s . Fo r when I am weak , then I am s t r ong .
Th roughou t my l i f e ( even a s a ve ry young ch i l d ) , f ea rha s a lways been a tho rn in my f l e sh , and I can ’ t t e l lyou how many t ime s I ’ v e a sked God t o take i t away .L i f e wou ld be s o much ea s i e r i f I wasn ’ t a f ra id o feve ry th ing . Bu t God ’ s word s b r ing me g r ea tencou ragemen t :
My grace i s su f f i c i en t f o r you , f o r my power i s madepe r f e c t in weakne s s .
The l e s s on d idn ’ t s t op the r e , t hough . I t was i nunde r s tand ing tha t I m igh t f i gh t aga in s t f ea r my en t i r el i f e tha t I a l s o r ea l i z ed the impo r tance t o do j u s t t ha t :f i gh t i t .
I s e e now tha t , i f Sa tan can make u s a f ra id o f peop l e o rs i t ua t i on s o r change , he can pa ra lyze u s . Keep u s i n onep la ce . Keep u s f r om do ing g r ea t th ing s .
And , wh i l e I s t i l l wre s t l e w i th f ea r and wor ry , I nol onge r a l l ow tho s e f e e l i ng s t o pa ra lyze me . As much a s Im igh t s t i l l wan t t o , I no l onge r a l l ow myse l f t o c r ea t esa f e a l t e rna t ive s o r ea s i e r back -up p lan s .
J ake t ook a cha in saw t o the wh i t e p i cke t f en ce o f thed r eams o f a younge r me , and I ’m be t t e r be cau s e o f i t .
I ’m be t t e r be cau s e he r emind s me what i s r ea l lyimpo r tan t i n the e t e rna l s cheme o f l i f e , and be cau s e hecon t inue s t o d r eam o f a l l t he b ig th ing s we s t i l l haveye t t o do f o r the K ingdom now .
I ’m a l s o p r obab ly be t t e r o f f now tha t my copy o f J u s t i c ein the Bu rb s r e s i d e s i n the Ha l f P r i c e Book s t o r e i n De sMo ine s ( even though I t h ink I m i s s ed the po in t o f t hebook en t i r e ly when I r ead i t a l l t ho s e yea r s ago) .
*Ye s , o f c ou r s e peop l e i n the subu rb s need J e su s , t o o . I nfa c t , I ’m a f i rm be l i eve r i n l e t t i ng God u s e youwhereve r you a r e . I ’ v e j u s t a l s o l ea rned tha t God neve rp romi s e s th i s l i f e t o be sa f e . He a sk s u s t o s e rve H imand l ove peop l e whateve r the c o s t and whateve r thesa c r i f i c e . I l ove my ne ighbo r s i n the subu rb s now bu ta l s o t ry t o r ema in open t o the wor ld tha t equa l ly ex i s t sou t s i d e o f my own s t r e e t and my own sa f e ty bubb l e .
twenty sixthe year my life felt harder than everyone else's
I have a lways been p rone t o s e l f - p i ty , and , o f a l l mycharac t e r t ra i t s and qua l i t i e s , t h i s i s t he one I l oa the themos t . I am ea s i ly wounded and my f e e l i ng s ge t hu r tea s i ly , s o , a s su ch , I have t o f i gh t ve ry ha rd aga in s tth r owing myse l f raucou s p i ty pa r t i e s (and by raucou s , Ir ea l ly mean pa s s ive -agg re s s ive s i l en c e i n wh i ch Ir e t r ea t i n t o my own head f o r i nde f in i t e amoun t s o ft ime) .
S o many good th ing s happened t o me the yea r I t u rned26 . I was p r egnan t wi th L i ly and hav ing a g r ea t s choo lyea r . J ake was i n yea r two o f med i ca l s choo l , and wehad f ound a rhy thm tha t worked f o r u s . I hadcommun i ty and fami ly and s o much good a l l a r ound me .
And , ye t , I d id a l o t o f c ry ing th i s yea r be cau s e , amid s ta l l t he good , we re the s e nagg ing , sma l l , d i f f i cu l t t h ing s ,wh i ch d i s t ra c t ed me f r om what was go ing we l l . Th ing stha t c on s tan t ly made me f e e l s o r ry f o r myse l f .
Fo r i n s tance , r i gh t a f t e r L i ly was bo rn , J ake spen t th r e eweek s c ramming f o r h i s f i r s t r ound o f boa rd s . B e tweenthe hou r s o f 7 :00 a .m . and 1 1 : 30 p .m . , h e spen t a l l h i st ime s tudy ing a t the l i b ra ry a c r o s s t he s t r e e t , ex c ep t f o rthe 30 -minu t e b r eak s he a l l owed h imse l f f o r l unch andd inne r .
And , by tha t , I mean , tha t ’ s how much t ime he wantedto be s tudy ing each day . I n s t ead , I was c on s tan t lyin t e r rup t ing h im wi th t ex t me s sage s and inadve r t en t lyex t end ing h i s mea l b r eak s be cau s e o f my ove ra l l l eve lo f hy s t e r i a a s I t r i ed t o ad ju s t t o l i f e w i th a newbornwho spen t mo s t o f he r f i r s t week s s c r eaming .
I was a me s s .
And I was a me s s who saw eve ryone e l s e ’ s s i t ua t i on s a sea s i e r than mine wh i ch d idn ’ t he lp any th ing e i the r . S omany o f my f r i end s s e emed t o have r ound - the - c l o ckhe lp , and the r e I was s l e ep ing a l one on the c ouch ,t ry ing t o be l i eve tha t i t wou ld ge t be t t e r (wh i ch i t d id ,o f c ou r s e ) .
I r ea l ly want t o end th i s by say ing tha t the ha rd ands eeming ly un fa i r t h ing s I f a c ed th i s yea r taugh t me t obe g ra t e fu l f o r the a l l t he good th ing s o r t o s t opcompar ing my s i t ua t i on s t o o the r s o r tha t many o the rpeop l e fa c e fa r more d i f f i cu l t t h ing s (a l l o f wh i ch a r et rue and va luab l e th ing s t o l ea rn and app ly t o you rl i f e ) .
Bu t r ea l ly , I t h ink I l ea rned tha t l i f e i s j u s t ha rds ome t ime s . And tha t a l l I can r ea l ly do abou t i t i s t ot ry t o r e spond we l l .
A t s ome po in t du r ing th i s yea r , I s t umb l ed in t o the booko f J onah when J onah i s wh in ing in the de s e r t a f t e r Godshows mer cy on the Ninev i t e s . He was ang ry andwi thou t pu rpo s e , and God ’ s r e spon s e was s imp l e :
Do you do we l l t o be angry?
I t was du r ing th i s s ea s on o f my l i f e tha t I s t a r t ed a sk ingmyse l f t he same que s t i on . Su r e , I c ou ld make a g r ea tca s e tha t my l i f e was ha rde r than i t “ s hou ld have been ”o r tha t eve ryone e l s e had i t ea s i e r . Bu t d id i t eve r dome any ac tua l good t o be ang ry abou t i t ? No , o f c ou r s eno t .
I n s t ead , t he be t t e r op t i on was t o u s e i t . To t ry t o f i ndways t o u s e my cha l l enge s a s a mean s t o improve mycharac t e r and encou rage the peop l e a r ound me (o r tho s eI have s i n c e me t go ing th r ough s im i la r th ing s ) .
Th i s change in m ind s e t d idn ’ t t ake away the d i f f i cu l ty ,bu t i t d id g ive me pu rpo s e i n mov ing f o rward each day .
I t a l s o e f f e c t ive ly shu t down tho s e raucou s p i ty pa r t i e s Ihad go t t en in t o the hab i t o f t h r owing , wh i ch i sp r obab ly wor th i t a l one .
twenty seventhe importance of paddling
Afte r L i ly was bo rn , t he r ea l l i f e o f med i c ine s ta r t ed f o rJ ake and me : The rhy thms and change s o f r o ta t i on s , al i f e s ty l e we s t i l l f i nd ou r s e lve s i n t oday .
Each mon th b rough t s ome th ing d i f f e r en t : a newspec ia l ty , new a t t end ing do c t o r s , and new hou r s . S omemonth s J ake wou ld be a r ound a l o t , wh i l e du r ing o the r swe ha rd ly saw h im a t a l l . J u s t when we ’d ge t u s ed t oone th ing , ou r f ou r week s wou ld be up , and we ’d haveto ad ju s t t o s ome th ing en t i r e ly d i f f e r en t .
As L i ly nea r ed one , I f ound myse l f r e s t l e s s . I t h inkthe r e ’ s s ome th ing abou t tha t one -yea r mark tha t u she r si n a who l e new k ind o f emo t i on f o r moms (new momse spe c ia l ly ) . The days o f ca r t i ng a round a s l e ep ingnewborn whe reve r we go a r e ove r , and we ’ r e f o r c ed(mos t days a t l ea s t ) t o adap t t o the rhy thms ands chedu l e s o f a t odd l e r .
B e cau s e J ake worked o r s t ud i ed many n igh t s , I waso f t en l e f t a l one on my couch a f t e r L i ly wen t t o bed ,w i th on ly my own though t s t o keep me company .
Be cau s e o f th i s , I f e l t pa r t i cu la r ly i s o la t ed t oward theend o f my 27 th yea r . I f e l t s t u ck and wi shed I c ou ld s e eahead t o the pa r t s o f my l i f e tha t wou ld be ea s i e r andmore p r ed i c tab l e .
Around th i s s ame t ime , I wen t back t o one o f myfavo r i t e book s , A Mi l l i on Mi l e s i n a Thou sandYear s , and s tumb l ed a c r o s s a pa s sage wh i ch I havecome back t o aga in and aga in and aga in (and aga in)s i n c e :
I t ’ s l i k e th i s when you l ive a s t o ry : The f i r s t pa r thappens fa s t . You th row your s e l f in t o the nar ra t ive ,and you ’ r e f ina l ly ou t in the wate r ; the sho re i spu sh ing o f f beh ind you and the t r e e s a r e ge t t ingsmal l e r . The d i s tan t sho re doe sn ’ t s e em so fa r , andyou can f e e l the r e s o lu t i on coming , the f e e l ing o fge t t ing ou t o f your boa t and walk ing the d i s tan tbeach . You th ink the th ing i s go ing t o happen fa s t ,tha t you ’ l l padd l e f o r a b i t and a r r ive on the o the rs ide by lunch . Bu t the t ru th i s , i t i sn ’ t go ing t o beove r s oon .
The r eward you ge t f r om a s t o ry i s a lways l e s s thanyou thought i t wou ld be , and the work i s harde r thanyou imag ined . The po in t o f a s t o ry i s neve r abou t theend ing , r emember . I t ’ s abou t your charac t e r ge t t ingmolded in the hard work o f the midd l e . At s ome po in tthe sho re beh ind you s t op s ge t t ing smal l e r , and youpadd le and wonder why the same s t r oke s tha t u s ed t omove you now on ly r o ck the boa t…The sho re you l e f ti s j u s t a s d i s tan t , and the re i s no go ing back ; the r e i son ly the de c i s i on t o padd l e in p la ce o r s t op , s l i de ou to f the ha t ch , and s ink in to the s ea . Maybe the re ’ sano the r s t o ry a t the bo t t om o f the s ea . Maybe youdon ’ t have t o be in th i s s t o ry anymore . [… ]
I th ink th i s i s when mos t peop l e g ive up on the i rs t o r i e s . They come ou t o f c o l l ege want ing t o changethe wor ld , want ing t o ge t mar r i ed , want ing t o havek id s and change the way peop l e buy o f f i c e supp l i e s . Bu t they ge t in t o the midd l e and d i s c ove r i t washarde r than they thought . They can ’ t s e e the d i s tan tsho re anymore , and they wonder i f the i r padd l ing i smov ing them fo rward . None o f the t r e e s beh ind themare ge t t ing smal l e r and none o f the t r e e s ahead a rege t t ing b igge r . They take i t ou t on the i r spou se s , andthey go l ook ing f o r an ea s i e r s t o ry .
I t was du r ing th i s s ea s on tha t God r eminded me Heneve r mean t f o r me t o r ema in mo t i on l e s s ; He neve rmean t f o r me t o j u s t wa i t i t ou t f o r the ea sy pe r i od s o fl i f e .
And , when I was r eminded o f tha t , I was equa l lyempowered t o p i ck up my oa r s and s ta r t padd l ing . Towork ha rd t o l ive we l l , even when i t was f oggy and Iwas un su r e o f exac t ly what wou ld be c oming nex t .
I t ’ s s t i l l f oggy s ome t ime s . I s t i l l have t o work ha rd t oad ju s t we l l t o J ake ’ s c on s tan t ly chang ing s chedu l e andmy p la ce i n the hou r s o f ou r day .
Bu t , I ’m s t i l l padd l ing . I haven ’ t l e t myse l f s l i d e ou t o fthe ha t ch and s i nk in t o the s ea .
The ha rd work o f the m idd l e?
I t ’ s wor th i t . We ’ r e a l l be t t e r be cau se o f i t .
twenty eightthoughts on sacrifice
Year 28 a sked a l o t o f me . Norah was bo rn a f ewmonth s a f t e r my b i r thday and a f ew days a f t e r tha t ,J ake l e f t u s f o r a mon th - l ong aud i t i on r o ta t i on in Oh io .The ho l i day s came and wen t , and , t hen , i n Feb rua ry , Iwen t back t o work fu l l - t ime (a t a j ob wh i ch I l oved ,m ind you) .
A f ew week s a f t e r I s t a r t ed back a t s choo l , was a daywe had marked on ou r ca l enda r s s i n c e J ake had s ta r t edmed i ca l s choo l f ou r yea r s p r i o r : Mat ch Day . No t un l i k eon l i ne da t ing , we ranked ou r t op cho i c e s and r e s i dencyprog rams ranked the i r t op cho i c e s and then ana lgo r i thm worked t o mat ch u s t o the mo s t app rop r ia t ep la c e .
Our a s s i gnmen t? C l eve land , Oh io .
I had f ou r mon th s t o ga the r my bea r ing s and p r epa re t opack up and l eave the c i ty , wh i ch had been my homefo r the ma j o r i ty o f my l i f e .
I n tho s e r ema in ing f ou r mon th s , I packed up ac la s s r oom , a hou s e , and a who l e l o t o f o the r i n tang ib l e stha t I s t i l l ca r ry wi th me t oday .
I t wou ld have been ea sy t o g r ow r e s en t fu l . To f e e l l i k e Iwas the on ly one who was mak ing any r ea l sa c r i f i c eth r oughou t th i s p r o c e s s . To s e e the wi th b i t t e rne s s , a s Il i s t ened t o J ake take h i s H ippoc ra t i c Oa th and o f f i c i a l lyac c ep t h i s t i t l e a s “Do c t o r . ” I mean , what was I ge t t i ngou t o f t he dea l anyway? Change and unce r ta in ty ,mo s t ly .
Bu t I wasn ’ t r e s en t fu l , and I wasn ’ t ang ry wi th Jake f o rtak ing me hundred s o f m i l e s away f r om my fami ly andc l o s e s t f r i end s—a fa c t tha t can on ly be a t t r i bu t ed t oGod ’ s f o r e s i gh t i n t ea ch ing me tha t a l i f e o f s a c r i f i c e i sa wor thy l i f e t o l ive .
Month s be f o r e Mat ch Day , I s t a r t ed wonde r ing i f i twou ld eve r be “my tu rn . ” I t ’ s a men ta l i ty I t h ink manypeop l e take i n mar r iage : I ’ l l make the sa c r i f i c e s now , s omy hu sband can a ch i eve h i s d r eam a s l ong a s once hege t s t he r e , h e doe s the same f o r me and my d r eams .
Bu t I c on t inued t o wonde r : What i f i f t ha t ’ s no t the wayi t work s ou t ? What i f my en t i r e l i f e i s s pen t mak ingsac r i f i c e s and pu t t i ng my goa l s and p lan s on the backburne r , s o tha t I can be t t e r l ove and suppo r t myfami ly?
And I came t o the c onc lu s i on tha t i t wou ld be wor thi t . B e cau se sa c r i f i c ia l l ove i s a lways wor th i t .
We came t o C l eve land a t the end o f my 28 th yea r , andi t was ha rd . The ha rde s t change I have eve r had t omake thu s fa r .
And eve ry day s i n c e we ’ve been he r e , I wake up , and It ry t o choo s e t o f i nd j oy in sa c r i f i c i ng o f myse l f f o r myfami ly ra the r than t o dwe l l i n the d i f f i cu l t . I don ’ ta lways su c c e ed , bu t ea ch new day , thank fu l ly , g ive s mea new oppo r tun i ty .
I ’m happy t o be pa s t th i s yea r o f my l i f e , bu t I ’m a l s ohappy f o r a l l t ha t i t t augh t me . I ’m s t r onge r and wi s e rand more aware o f what r ea l ly mat t e r s i n l i f e be cau s eo f a l l God b rough t u s th r ough . A l l He a sked me t osa c r i f i c e .
A l s o , J ake doe sn ’ t l eave u s f o r mon th s a t a t ime anymore , wh i ch ha s been one o f the be s t pe rk s o f t h i s moveso fa r .
twenty nine"cleve"ing to today and all I've learned so far
We pu l l ed ou t o f De s Mo ine s th r e e mon th s be f o r e It u rned 29—Jake wi th a j anky , t ra i l e r he had bu i l th imse l f and me wi th bo th g i r l s f a s t ened in the backs ea t . I c r i ed f o r the f i r s t hou r o f the r i d e abou t a l l t ha twas now in my r ea rv i ew .
I t was i n tho s e moment s o f l eav ing a l l t ha t I knew andl oved beh ind tha t I r ea l ly unde r s t ood the mean ing o fthe word “ b i t t e r swee t . ”
My l i f e f e l t b i t t e r be cau se i t had been s o swee t .
I p r obab ly wou ldn ’ t have been s o t o rn up abou t l eav ingi f J ake and I hadn ’ t worked s o ha rd t o bu i l d c ommun i tya round u s o r l ived l i f e w i th s o many peop l e we l oved s odeep ly .
The fa c t tha t th i s move was a s d i f f i cu l t a s i t was mademe f e e l l i k e we had done s ome th ing r i gh t . L i k e we hadl ived ou r l i f e we l l i n I owa ( though c e r ta in ly fa r f r ompe r f e c t ) .
And , a s I n ea r ed the C l eve land c i ty l im i t s , I r ea l i z edtha t I had a p ro f ound , ye t ve ry s imp l e cho i c e ahead o fme : I c ou ld choo s e t o th r ow myse l f i n t o ou r new l i f ehe r e i n a s im i la r f a sh i on , o r I c ou ld choo s e ( t o go backt o my favo r i t e me tapho r ) t o th r ow my oa r s ove rboa rd ,s l i d e ou t o f t he ha t ch , and s i nk in t o the s ea .
I don ’ t know how l ong we ’ l l b e i n C l eve land , bu t I doknow th i s : I f we l eave a t the end o f the s e f ou r yea r s , Iwan t t o be sad abou t i t .
I wan t t o f e e l t he same b i t t e r swee t f e e l i ng s I f e l t a s Id r ove away f r om De s Mo ine s be cau s e I t h ink tha t w i l lmean tha t we d id s ome th ing r i gh t wh i l e we were he r e .
I want t o c l eave t o C l eve land .
I wan t t o l ive my l i f e we l l r ega rd l e s s o f t hec i r cums tance s . I wan t t o pu t myse l f ou t the r e , l ay downroo t s , l ove peop l e we l l , and g ive o f myse l f eve ry daytha t I ’m g iven .
I t ’ s ha rd ly eve r ea sy , bu t i t i s a lways wor th i t .
Eve ry p r ev i ou s chap t e r o f my l i f e ha s bu i l t up t o th i s .The th ing s I ’ v e l ea rned abou t l ove and c ommun i ty andf ea r and sa c r i f i c e and dea l ing wi th ha rd th ing s—they ’ r ea l l l e s s on s tha t have equ ipped me t o fa c e th i s pa s t yea rwe l l .
( Be t t e r than I s hou ld have , a t l ea s t , g iven mypropen s i ty t oward s e l f - p i ty and my gene ra l ly h igh -s t rung na tu r e . )
I ’m a lways d rawn t o the s e ve r s e s f r om Ec c l e s i a s t e s 3when s ome th ing in my l i f e up roo t s and I have t o r ega inmy ba lance : What ga in ha s the worke r f r om h i s t o i l ? I have s e enthe bu s ine s s tha t God ha s g iven t o the ch i ld r en o f manto be bu sy wi th . He ha s made eve ry th ing beaut i fu l ini t s t ime . A l s o , he ha s pu t e t e rn i ty in to man ’ s hear t ,ye t s o tha t he canno t f ind ou t what God ha s done f r omthe beg inn ing t o the end . I pe r c e ived tha t the r e i sno th ing be t t e r f o r them than t o be j oy fu l and t o dogood a s l ong a s they l ive ; a l s o tha t eve ryone shou ld ea t and d r ink and take p l ea su re in a l l h i s t o i l— th i s i sGod ’ s g i f t t o man .
I pe r c e ived tha t whateve r God doe s endure s f o r eve r ;no th ing can be added t o i t , no r anyth ing taken f r omi t . God ha s done i t , s o tha t peop l e f ea r be f o r e h im .That whi ch i s , a l r eady ha s been ; tha t whi ch i s t o be ,a l r eady ha s been ; and God s e ek s what ha s been d r ivenaway .
Regard l e s s o f t he s i t ua t i on , t he r e i s no th ing be t t e r f o rme than t o be j oy fu l and t o do good . To take p l ea su r e i nthe t o i l .
Bu t even be t t e r i s t h i s : Whateve r God doe s endure sf o r eve r .
And th i s i s wha t I ’ v e s e en th r oughou t th i s pa s t yea r—tha t the th ing s God ha s taugh t me and the ways tha tHe ha s r e f i ned me in a l l my yea r s p r ev i ou s w i l l endu ref o r eve r (a s l ong a s I choo s e t o keep padd l ing f o rward , Is uppo s e ) .
I ’m c e r ta in ly s t i l l a work in p r og r e s s . I ’m su r e 2026Mol ly , 2036 Mo l ly , and 2046 Mo l ly—Lo rd wi l l i ng—areshak ing the i r head s i n amusemen t a t me and a l l t heth ing s I t h ink I know (wh i l e d r ink ing c o f f e e i n the i rhove r c ra f t s o r s ome th ing equa l ly fu tu r i s t i c ) .
Bu t tha t ’ s t he th ing abou t l i f e—you can on ly know a smuch a s whe re you ’ r e a t .
I on ly know a s much a s th i r ty yea r s o f expe r i en ce ha staugh t me , bu t I ’m in c r ea s ing ly thank fu l f o r a l l I havel ea rned a s we l l a s a l l I know I w i l l c on t inue t o ca r rywi th me .
So , he r e ’ s t o a new de cade . To t en more yea r s o f be ingshaped , r e f i n ed , s t r e t ched , and cha l l enged .
2026 Mo l ly wi l l r epo r t back .
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References
Ander s on , Ne i l T . V i c t o ry ove r the Da rkne s s : Rea l i z i ngthe Power o f You r I den t i ty in Ch r i s t . Ven tu ra , CA : Rega l , 1 990 . P r i n t .
Mi l l e r , Dona ld . "The Th ing abou t a C ro s s i ng . " A Mi l l i onMi l e s i n a Thou sand Year s : What I Lea rned Whi l eEd i t i ng My L i f e . Nashv i l l e , TN : Thomas Ne l s on , 20 10 .1 7 7 - 79 . P r i n t .
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