the dating game script update
Post on 09-Apr-2018
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TRANSCRIPT
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The DatingGameSam: Laid back, not too enthusiastic. Girls come to him naturally.
Isabel: No one is ever good enough for her
Stephanie: Obsessed with guys, easy in a dating way
Jeff: Never had a girl before
Bill: More mature and superior
Bob: A jackass
George: Stuck up. Knows what he wants and get what he wants
Cathy: Crazy. Talks a lot.
Humphrey: Old but thinks he is young. Goes for young girls.
Danielle: Perky cheerleader
Michelle: Flattered
Sky: Shirtless, Conceited
Kelsey: Player, likes guys for their money
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Bob: Yes, welcome in deed
Billy: Im your host, Billy Schmoll
Bob: And Im your co-host, Bob Peck
(Both Start Pacing)
Billy: Another exciting adventure here on The Dating Game
Bob: Yes indeed. Here are four friends that are now going to
experience a series of expected and unexpected dates that are
selected and set up by us.
Billy: Yes us. And at the end of the show, they get to show us
who the lucky match was. Great fun for fellow watchers heretonight Bob.
Bob: Great fun indeed
(Scene fades in)
Billy: Wow, right on time, its Stephany
Bob: (Pretends to listen to earpiece) Match number one
has arrived, George. Lets see how it goes.
(Scene fades in as Billy & Bob exit)
(Stephanie keeps looking at her watch)
George: (As enters) Well maybe you should get one, you ass
[ad lib] (Notices Stephanie) Oh, hey, Stephanie right? Five-
Two (Pulls out a piece of paper) 155 pounds, blonde hair.
Stephanie: Uh, yeah, thats me. Uhm, you did say 9:00 right?
George: Well, about that. 9:00 didnt work for me.
Stephanie: Oh, yeah, well of course.
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George: Yeah. So this is how its gonna go. I need a date every
Friday to go party with, so then Saturday I can go back and pick
up all the jealous ladies with the typical break-up sob story. And
your gonna be that girl, got it?
Stephanie: (Drinks water and chokes) Uhm, Excuse me?!
George: Excuse you? What, did you fart or something? And
whats with this place, its like a coffee house, but I dont see a
coffee in my hand. Hey, idea, why dont you be a doll and go get
me one, hmm? (They stare at each other)
Stephanie: Of course. (Stephanie goes off stage)
(long pause) (Phone rings, George answers)
George: Go for me (Pause) No way! (Pause) She did! (Pause)
Yeah Ill be over shortly (Stephanie enters) Im almost done
with this dumb broad that doesnt even know how to make a
coffee(Stephanie gasps and pours the coffee on George)
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Stephanie: Oops, did I do that?
George: (As walks off stage) Stupid dumb- (Bill & Bob
interrupt) (lights dim to Bill & Bob)
Bill: Whoa Whoa Whoa
Bob: Whoa in deed. (Awkward silence)
Bill: Anyways.bad choice George
Bob: Attitude is not the thing to bring to a date
Bill: Right you are Bob, right you are.
(Sam enters, sits and eats)
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Bob: (Turns to Sam and waves into the dark) Hey Sam
Bill: Shh (Smacks bob) He cant see you!
Bob: Woah So Im like a ghost? (Awkward silence)
Bill: Anyways, lets see our lovely match we made for my main-
man, Sam
(Cathy enters and looks around)
Bill & Bob: Ohh (Hides heads)
Bill: (whispers) its crazy Cathy!
Bob: Crazy in deed
Bill: This shall be interesting
Bob: Shall in deed (Bill looks at bob, pauses, then leaves)
(Scene fades)
Cathy: Hey Sam!
Sam: (turns hoping she didnt see him) oh. hey Cathy
Cathy: Oh my god, fancy meeting you here. I mean I didntknow we went to the same sandwich shop. I think thats neat.
Dont you think thats neat? Whoa I sound like a geezer saying the
word, neat. Like who says the word neat anymore? Not me! But
anyways, enough of me, how are you?
Sam: (continues eating, long pause) good
Cathy: Oh thats fantastic. Im doing good myself, well actually
Im fantastic. Today is a nice day. Yesterday was a nice day too. Ithink even last year around this time was nice too. I saw a cloud
yesterday and I told that cloud, I really did, I told him, cloud, you
better not show your face around here tomorrow because I want
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tomorrow to be a nice day. And I think he actually listened to me!
That sandwich looks pretty good, what kind is it?
Sam: (continues eating, long pause) Ham
Cathy: I love ham! Piggy piggy piggy. Yum, so I heard you donthave a girlfriend anymore and I dont either. Well, I meant I dont
have a boyfriend, but I dont have a girlfriend either. We should
go out! That would be so neat! Oh, there I go again. Hey is this
our first date? I dont think you should have brought me to a
sandwich shop on our first date. You eating a turkey, no, ham
sandwhich, and Im just here (Sam gets up and leaves) - Well
thats okay, ill just wait right here for you. Saving your spot here
on this bench.
(Bill & bob enter)
Bill: He dodged that bullet
Bob: Yes- (bill interrupts)
Bill: Indeed! (Long silence)
Bob: Wow, that was rude. Why did you go and interrupt me?
Bill: Because you always say indeed! Its kind of annoying
Bob: No I dont
Bill: yes you do (bickering with eachother)
Bob: No I dont
Bill: yes you do
Bob: (back to audience) so anyways, who is next Bill?
Bill: Uhm, (looks at paper) that would be Humphrey (Bob
giggles)what Bob?
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Bob: Humphrey! Thats a funny name.
Bill: Way to be mature Bob.
Bob: I only picked him because he had a funny name.
Bill: Wow. So youre saying that out of all the great matches we
turned down, you only picked him because of his name?
Bob: Yupp
Bill: You really make me want to hit you. (while walking off)
Idiots like you ruin my anger management
(Girl at restaurant table all alone, Mr Crissey enters
dressed young)
Isabel: Oh, sorry, this seat is reserved.
Humphrey: Is your name Isabel?
Isabel: (defensively) Hey old man, how do you know my
name?
Humphrey: Im Humphrey, from that dating site.
Isabel: No your not, i'm looking for that (says sweetly)
attractive 17 year old with long hair, named Humphrey. (Says
defensively) I have peperspray!
Humphrey: No, my ad said 70. And I have amazing hair!well,
had. Girls use to line up for miles just to brush it.
Isabel: Wow. I am not going to date some old man!
Humphrey: Why not? I have seen girls date old men all the timeon those MTVs and VHS channels.
Isabel: Yeah, thats when they are rich.
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Humphrey: I am rich!
Isabel: You are?!
Humphrey: Yeah! I am so rich, (looks around and whispers)
I got my own oxygen tank at home!
Isabel: You have got to be kidding me.
Humphrey: Its true. All my friends are jealous
Isabel: Okay old man, im sure your late for bingo or something,
so im just gonna go.
Humphrey: Would you care to join me?
Isabel: Gross! (Walks out)
(Bill & Bob enter, Bob walking backwards, Bill mad at
him)
Bob: How was I supposed to know he was like a billion years
old?
Bill: Oh, I dont know, maybe READ THE PROFILE!
Bob: Lets just see your choice and hope the date goes better
than the last.
Bill: My choice is my favorite kind of people in the world
Bob: Jugglers! Oh, I love jugglers. I hope its a juggler.
Bill: No! Cheerleaders!
Bob: Oh, even better than jugglers!
Bill Yeah (Pause & walk off)
(Sam walks on, Danielle behind)
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Sam: Ohyoure still following me, huh.
Danielle: Yes sir!
Sam: Greatand what was your name again?
Danielle: My name is Danielle, you silly duck!
Sam: Riight
Danielle: All-right! (Smiles)
Sam: So. what do you do fore fun?
Danielle: I love to cheer! I love it here and there, I love it
anywhere! Do you wanna hear a cheer? I know you do, oh I know
you do.
Sam: I guess
Danielle: (cheers) Ready, okay! Im so desperate, im so
lonely. I will seriously, date(says seriously) anybody! (Smiles)
Sam: Wowthat was justwow
Danielle: Why thank you buttercup!
Sam: Okay, so are you always like this?
Danielle: Why what do you mean, honey-bunches!
Sam: Are you always this PERKY!
Danielle: Why yes I am. But you will get use to it. Yes you will,
yes you will.
Sam: Creepy
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Danielle: My parents say the same thing! Yes they do, yes they
do!
Sam: Okay (They stare at each other, she giggles) Okay,
I cant take this anymore (Gets up)
Danielle: Well that's okay. Do you by chance have any,
brothers, friends, cousins, neighbors, that may be interested in
me? They dont have to be attractive, they just (Sam exits,
Danielle runs after him) (Bill & Bob enter)
Bob: I think the juggler would have been better.
Bill: Not gonna lie, she was pretty annoying
Bob: Got that right. (pause)
Bill: So whos next? (Bill starts looking thru papers, bob
exits)- Bob Peck.NO! (Bob enters scene a few seconds
behind bill)
Bob: These flowers are for you
Michelle: Aweh, youre so sweet
Bob: Only for the sweetest. (Bill enters)
Bill: Uhm, what the hell are you doing?
Bob: Cant you see i'm on a date?
Bill: We were in the middle of a show!
Michelle: Ooh, what kind of show? (Both look at her, billgrabs bob)
Bill: Were leaving
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Bob: Why do you gotta ruin everything?
Bill: As desperate as you are, were in the middle of something
Bob: Can I bring her with me?
Bill: No!
Bob: Dang it!
Bill: Run along missy! (Shoes her, she leaves) anyways,
next we have, Isabel and- (interrupts)
Bob: and who?
Bill: I was getting to that!
Bob: Oh(pause) so who?
Bill: Its Sky! Okay, Sky.
Bob: ohokay
Bill: What, bob?
Bob: Oh nothing.I just thoughtyou would have my pick
next
Bill: Why?
Bob: Because.he looks funny.
Bill: Ill put her up next if you shut up and let us do the date?
Bob: Were going on a date?
Bill: No! The show!
Bob: Oh...
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Bill: So can we continue?
Bob: Yes sir. (They exit)
(Girl sitting down, shirtless guy enters)
Stephanie: Uhm
Sky: (Poses) hey, hows it going?
Stephanie: Pretty good? (confused)
Sky: Thats great
Stephanie: Uhh, you do know you dont have a shirt on, right?
Sky: oh, I dont believe in shirts
Stephanie: Okay.Im afraid to ask, but what why?
Sky: I just dont
Stephanie: Sure you dont. So what do you do on your free
time?
Sky: I act
Stephanie: I wasnt expecting that one..so you act?
Sky: Yes I do. Wanna see?
Stephanie: Okay
Sky: (Sweeps her off her feet) come my lady, as to which we
go along and make happily ever after. (Pauses) (Drops her)---So do you like?
Stephanie: Besides the whole dropping me part?
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Sky: Well, its not done.
Stephanie: Itswonderful
Sky: Thanks!
Stephanie: Yeah.so what else do you do for fun?
Sky: I love to work out
Stephanie: Now that I believe!
Sky: I also love to show it off(Poses)
Stephanie: So youre conceited?
Sky: No, I just love my body. I mean, dont you!?
Stephanie: Sure.
Sky: I have a great idea! Lets go back to my house and watch
me flex!
Stephanie: works for me (they exit) (Bob & bill enter)
Bob: Wow, that guy makes me want to swim with a shirt ON.
Bill: Is that a fat joke?
Bob: Yes it is. Completely.
Bill: Well, thats horrible.
Bob: Yes it is. Completely
Bill: Uhm, Kelsey?
Bob: No, bob. (gesturing himself)
Bill: I mean, the next date.
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Bob:Oh yeah, lets do it (They exit, enters Kelsey and Jeff)
Kelsey: Hello, Im Kelsey (extends arm for shake)
Jeff: Youre really pretty
Kelsey: Aw thanks. I just love your glasses
Jeff: Thanks! My mom said I look like a gentlemen in them.
Kelsey: You do! So uhh, what do you look for in a girl?
Jeff: Oh I dont know. A girlwith hair?...andUhm...you
Kelsey: Aweh thats so sweet (extends her arm, Jeff grabs)
DONT TOUCH ME! You dont touch me unless you have written
permission to do so, and I dont see a paper in your other hand.
Jeff: Uhm, Im sorry?
Kelsey: Better be(pause)
Jeff: Well, what do you look for in a guy?
Kelsey:Just a guy thats sweetand cares for meand listensto everything I have to say, and will do anything for me when I
ask and pamper me and (waiter comes up)
Waiter: Can I take your order?
Kelsey: Yes ill have a coke and the steak melt and he will have
a water with mac&cheese, do you have that in a kids menu?
Waiter: Sure (takes menu and leaves)
Kelsey: Where was I, oh, and I LOVE it when a guy pays for
me...
Jeff: Anything for you
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Kelsey: Great!
Jeff: So are you single
Kelsey: Nope!
Jeff: Oh(disappointed)
Kelsey: But you still can pay for me
Jeff: Ok (pulls out wallet and starts to pull out cash)
Kelsey:Hold me! (Falls into his arms)
Jeff: Yes maam. So what do you like to do on your free time?
Kelsey:you ask too many questions
Jeff:Okay Im sorry. So how old are-
Kelsey:Just shut up and kiss me (pulls in and kisses)
Jeff:Uhh uhh uhh (waiter walks in with the check)
Kelsey: Okay bye (leaves in a hurry) (bill and bob enters
with bottles of water)
Bill: Wow, he just got played
Bob: dont have the player, hate the dice
Bill: Uhm, Bob, its the game
Bob: What game?
Bill: The saying is, dont hate the player, hate the game
Bob: That makes way more sense
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Bob: (takes drink, pause, turns and spits on bob)You now
what?
Bill(mad, takes drink, and spits on bill and says angrily)
what!
Bob: I think its time for the last date of the evening
Bill: And whos that (looks thru the clipboard) hmm...it
doesnt say, just says youll see
Bob: Ohh, Haha, well lets just leave. I have a feeling HE is
coming. (They leave)
(Enters Isabell and sits looking around, no one is there)
(Enters a guy dressed as a girl, walks on says Ohh, then
leaves)
(Bill and bob enter)
Bill: I would kill you...if there werent witnesses, I would kill you.
Bob: It was hilarious!
Bill: No, Not to me!
Bob: Ohh, Christmas party.oh
Bill: Lets just get on with it.
Bob: On with what? The game is over.
Bill: Oh yeah, well lets see who they picked. Come on out
ladies and gentlemen.
Bob: (after applaud) well thats all we have time for, tune in
next time to see what wacky dates I will come up with for you
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Bill: Yeah, and at this time, I would like to announce my
resignation for this show.
Bob: Tune in next time!
(End)
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