supporting your children after separation & divorce

A bit about me!

Clarissa RaywardDirector Brisbane Family Law Centre

Accredited Family Law SpecialistMediator & Collaborative Family Lawyer

Also known as “The Happy Family Lawyer”www.thehappyfamilylawyer.com

Today we are joined by-

Sophie JordanIntern Psychologist

CounsellorBrisbane Family Law Centre

How will this work?• Please ask questions

• This is general information and remember you should obtain advice specific to your family

What are we going to cover?

• Grief and loss• Helping children manage their

emotions• Maintaining the family unit• Protecting children from conflict• Supporting yourself• Children’s attachments• Maintaining security & routine

What are wegoing to cover?

• Managing children’s behavior• Time with both parents• Gatekeeping• Losing time with your children• Things to keep an eye on• Top 5 tips

Children willexperience loss

• Of the other parent• Of the family unit• Of day to day predictability• Of their world view (young

children)• Of their sense of security• Of their security about the

future – causing anxiety

Children will grieve• Shock or disbelief – want you to reconcile• Sadness• Anger• Self-blame – What did I do to cause this, I

must be too naughty, mum and dad don’t love me anymore

• Re-integration – moving toward the future

A child’s reaction to separation• Behavioural difficulties• Withdrawn behaviour• Non compliance• Aggression• Sadness• Loss of pleasure in previously enjoyed

activities• Stronger adherence to routine (may seem

obstinate or obsessive-compulsive)

A child’s reactionto separation

• Not wanting to leave one or both parents• School refusal• A strong desire for the absent parent• Lack of intimacy with one or both

parents• Trouble eating/sleeping• Playing parents off against each other

DON’T PANIC!

Can children help themselves?

• Teenagers, yes

• Age 8 – 12, yes but may need help

• Under age 8, probably not

Helping children manage their emotions

• Help children verbalise their emotions• Teach them about different emotions to

develop their emotional vocabulary• “When I’m Feeling …” by Trace Moroney• Feelings chart• Journaling• Help children identify supports

Normalise separation & maintain the family unit

• Reassure children families come in all shapes, sizes and structures – teach them about different types of families

• Separation is the end of a romantic relationship, not the end of your family or co-parenting relationship

• Emphasize that the family is not gone, it’s just changed

The Most Important Thing!!Protect your children from conflict!

• Children show poorer outcomes when they are exposed to conflict through separation

• Respect your ex-partner• Children will grow up and form opinions about

how you managed separation• What would you want your adult child to say

about this?

Protecting Children from Conflict

• Reassure children that mum and dad will make everything okay, and work out any problems

• Talk with your ex-partner about managing conflict

• Keep conflict, heated, legal and parenting discussion away from children

• Practice how to speak to your children about their mum/dad

Seek Support for Yourself

• Take care of yourself – eat well, sleep well, exercise.

• Enlist someone to help you immediately following separation when your functioning can be most impaired

• Be a role model - children need to see you managing the separation in a positive way

• Do not seek support from your children

Attachment

• Children do not choose to love their parents• Children’s attachment to their parents

defines how secure they feel in the world• Separation disrupts the attachment system• If you consciously try to hurt your ex-

partner, you’re hurting your children• It’s best if children maintain secure

attachment to both parents

Protect yourchildren’s attachment

Facilitate their relationship with the other parent:• Speak positively about them• Don’t be overly emotional or reactive about them• Make arrangements and encourage children to

spend time with them• Consider the children’s time with the other parent

with the highest importance• Respect the privacy of children’s relationship and

time with the other parent• Be inclusive of the other parent

Maintain Security & Routine

• Display to your child that you’re secure and in control of your world and their world

• Maintain routine and prepare children for new routines

• Provide reassurance• Let children know what will and won’t

change• Do not increase their responsibilities• But do not give them free passes either

Managing children’sbehavior after separation

• Set limits as you normally would• Recognise they might show behavioral

difficulties• Display empathy, attention, and respect or

EAR• Develop solutions• Don’t compensate with toys, treats and

freedoms• Give children your time, understanding

and special memories

Time with both parents

• Immediately following separation get short term parenting arrangements (two months)

• Stick to the arrangements as much as possible

• Be flexible with your children and the other parent

• Model being positive, flexible and mature• Put children’s needs above your own

needs, wants and fears.

Gatekeeping

• You stand guard to protect your child from harm.

• You have the power to close the gate in response to danger

• You have the power to open the gate to expose your child to situations that enhance their development and bring them joy

• What kind of gatekeeper will you be in your co-parenting relationship?

What kind of gatekeeper will you be?

• Facilitative gatekeeper – opens the gate• Protective gatekeeper – closes the gate

when there is a genuine risk of harm• Restrictive gatekeeper – keeps the gate

padlocked• Be a facilitative and protective

gatekeeper• Know the difference between

protective and restrictive

Change the way you think about losing time with your children

• Were you happy with your relationship with your children before separation? Why/ why not?

• How might you be able to organize parenting arrangements that can improve your relationship with your children? (focus on quality, not quantity)

• What activities did you enjoy doing with your children? What activities did they enjoy with you?

Change the way you think about losing time with your children

• How can you work parenting arrangements so you can still do the important activities?

• Were you happy with the time you had to yourself before separation?

• Can less time with your children mean more “you time”? How would you use this time?

Keep an eye on

• School performance and attendance

• Eating/appetite• Sleep• Social interaction and peer

groups

5 Top Tips for supportingyour children

1. Protect your children from conflict2. Provide your children with a sense of

security and reassurance by modeling appropriate coping

3. Emphasize the continued family unit4. Be a facilitative and protective gatekeeper5. Help children manage their grief and

manage their behaviour using EAR

Any Questions?

Tuesday 14 October 12.30pm

THANK YOU!