sport parenting and you

Sport Parenting and You

A Safety Guide for the New Millennium

Middle school teacher – 3 years High school teacher – 11 years

English, SS, ESL, Administration

National Board Certified Teacher - English

So Who’s This Guy?

Coached for 15 years.

◦ Head girls Broomfield, Legacy HS, BVC, Flatirons 18, 17

◦ Assistant girls Monarch, Nederland

◦ Head boys Nederland, Broomfield, Legacy

◦ Assistant boys Monarch, Johnson and Wales University

Coaching coordinator – Flatirons VBC Parent Liaison – Flatirons VBC

Not a personal decision

Little time for deep contemplation by coach Seeking best chance for team to win

◦ Breaking their momentum◦ Player mentally not there◦ Player not at same skill level

Substitution

Players rarely sense they are making mistakes.

Divide between players’ and coaches’ thoughts about “bad” mistakes.

When to “let them play through” and when….to not.

Kids’ and parents’ reaction to “being” subbed.

Issues with Subbing

Do you trust your child’s coach to these decisions or

do you not?

Comes Down to Trust

All parents love their children.

All parents want the best life for their children.

All parents want their children to be successful.

Guiding Beliefs

Parents and coaches have different roles in the “raising” of children.

Each child is different. Each parent is different. Each family is different.

For each sport experience, it is important to set goals to measure success.

Guiding Beliefs

Items for YOU directly, as parents

Items for you to help your daughters

Two Levels of Presentation

Finish this sentence with as many indicators as you feel you need.

At the end of the season, I (as a parent) will see it as a success

if……

Goal Setting

Outcome based?◦ Will win x amount of games / trophies /

scholarships?◦ Pay for college with this?

Process based?◦ Learn life skills?◦ Base athletic skills?◦ Have fun?

What are YOUR Goals for Your Children?

How might your student-athlete complete the same sentence?

At the end of the season, I (as a student-athlete) will see

it as a success if……

Goal Setting for Athletes

1. To have fun2. To make friends3. To improve my skills and learn to play softball the

right way4. For the excitement and challenge of competition5. To be part of a team and learn teamwork

To win was #9

Softball Poll

1. To have fun2. To make friends3. To improve my skills and learn to play

baseball the right way4. To stay in shape and get exercise5. To be part of a team and learn teamwork.

To win was #8.To earn a college scholarship was #10.

Baseball Poll

Are there discrepancies?

How you manage those gaps will define how you parent an athlete.

Take a moment to take the Parental Pressure Gauge Survey

Parental Pressure Gauge Survey

To what level of your sport did you achieve?

◦ Never played?◦ High School?◦ College (club or varsity)?◦ Semi-pro?◦ Professional?

Survey of Participation

We cannot be objective about our own kids.

Observation

Club’s working philosophy

1) Winning….

2) Teach life skills

Double Goal Coach

The Breakfast Club

Softball and Sportsmanship

Hard work can lead to something Commitment is important Communication is essential Lessons come from failure

Honoring the game

Lessons of Sport

1) Recreational, social, fitness2) Educational3) An honorable competitor4) Fit for life philosophy

Phases of Sport

Opportunity Unconditional support Motivation?

◦ Must come from athlete

NOT a coach

Our Role as Parents?

Surveyed group – more than 10 years coaching experience

84% - less parental interaction than in past 71% - “helpfulness” crosses into intrusiveness

◦ Favor seeking◦ Overly protective

Kids are tougher than we think. Just because they are upset does not mean we must swoop

in◦ Adversarial parents

Survey of Coaches

Your views and your athlete’s views on the balance of

◦ Winning and losing◦ Personal growth◦ Achieving goals◦ Taking risks◦ Correcting mistakes

What is a Good Team Experience?

Female brain in adolescence◦ Drama, drama, drama!

Loss of self-control Increase in impulsive behavior Known to become unreasonable,

uncommunicative, inconsolable, enraged

Curse of the Good Girl

Assume rather than ask / confront◦ Assume the worst

Try to read body language Friends – she should KNOW how I feel

Get friends on her “side” to pump her up Escalates a non-existent issue

Communication Rituals

“No offense but”….. ….. ”Just kidding” …. “Sorry”

Rather than be honest about feelings, they try to keep up the Good Girl image.

Hedging

“You’re playing poorly”

Males: look around and assume you are talking about SOMEONE else

Females: Assume the coach is talking about THEM in specific

Girls and Feedback

Apply friendship rules to coaches and teachers

See constructive criticism as negative criticism

Coach: Feedback isn’t direct, immediate Not as helpful Less honest picture of self / skills When do we become honest – “real job”?

Girls and Feedback

Coaches – first priority is to teach

Athletes – first priority is to learn

A “nice” relationship with someone is not a precondition for working with or listening to him or her.

Coaches and Athletes

When we were in school, if something was wrong, it was you. You were wrong.

Now, the parents come back at us. When we started teaching, that just didn’t happen. You were considered professional, and if my opinion about your paper was this, that was accepted because I’m the teacher and I’m the professional. And now everything is second-guessed

Quotes

Many teachers, especially those in more affluent communities, believe they are treated no better than a customer-service representative at a store. They are selling a product, and the parents are paying customers. When the parents aren’t happy, they complain. Their children watch and learn (Simmons 86).

Short-term success

Long-term failure

Effect?

Affirm our daughters’ emotions.

Consider how we teach our daughters to solve problems in our houses.

Talk through the emotions she’s having. Give permission to have those emotions.

For Parents

Push her toward speaking for herself to those that can affect change – coach.

Conflicts are opportunities for gain, not loss

Identifying the distorted thoughts

Checking the evidence

Redirecting

Dealing with Criticism

Accept consequences of actions

But..steer conversation toward an accurate explanation and a solution

Help them work through their denial.

Help nurture resilience

Help to tell the difference between a critique of work and a critique of self.

Danger or abuse: Talk immediately

OTHERWISE…….

Is there a life lesson the athlete can learn on HER OWN?

Let HER talk Be there to support the athlete, if needed (age)

When to Talk to a Coach

Wait 24 hours after tournaments Have athlete make an appointment

◦ Away from practice / games Pinpoint what is bothering the athlete Listen objectively Implement improvement plan

Process

100% support for athlete Let them talk about their issues

◦ What are THEIR issues? What are YOURS? Encourage them to talk directly to that

coach

Wanting to protect our children from anything uncomfortable!

Parental Challenges

All should be working toward same goals FOR and WITH athlete

Coach – Parent – Athlete Triad

“Siding” with athlete over the coach◦ Saying coach is “wrong”

◦ Feel free to think that on own.◦ Keep it to self, though!

Team dynamics?◦ Mental Skills Incident

Issue

Resources

This is just a game

Kids should be having fun – even up to that 18s age level!

Cheer and love them like mad!!!

Final Thoughts