shtar wars and other jewish-pop culture mashups
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Episode DCXIII
Nu? Hope?
Rebel religious courts have builta base of popular support in their
battle against the Chief Rabbinate’sReactionary Empire. Insurgent rabbis
have developed a pre-nuptial agreementwith the halakhic power to eliminate future
agunot forever.
Pursued by Dayyan Vader and his Imperial troops,Princess Leah races away, custodian of the precious
document that can save women throughout the galaxyand give them freedom from recalcitrant husbands ….
Prior to her capture, Princess Leah conceals the document in the memory of a small droid
which is jettisoned to a desert planet. The droid leads its new owner, Fluke Slytalker, to
an old recluse called Ben (whose real name is “Ben”), once a member of the Jews for
Ending Divorce Inequality (“JEDI”). Fluke says he would like to be a JEDI. So Ben
teaches Fluke that the “force of leniency is preferable” ( עד
דה תרא
) and counselsכוחhim, “Use the force, Fluke.”
Ben and Fluke walk into an Imperial Bet Din where one of the judges is interrogating a
woman: “What evidence can you produce that your husband is abusive?” Ben waves his
fingers toward the judge and says, “She does not need to bring any evidence.” The judge
repeats, “You do not need to bring any evidence.” Ben tells the judge, “This is not the
party you need to question.” “You are not the party we need to question.” “She may go.”
“You may go.”
Ben takes Fluke to a cantina, where they team up with an adventurous rabbi named HanSolopatin and his sidekick Chewbracha. “We need someone inclusive,” says Ben, “who
loves all Jews, no questions asked.” Rabbi Han smiles. “I was rabbi to Barack Obama’s
chief of staff. Is that inclusive enough for you?”
In order to save his friends, Ben allows Dayan Vader to kill him, but Ben continues to
speak to Fluke. “Let go,” he says, “trust your instincts.” Following Ben’s advice, Fluke
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launches a Jewish music band called the Bittuls, famed for their number one hit, “ Tav Le-
Meitav Tan Du, You Know I Love You”.
It’s the Fearsome Feminist, Charlie Brown
Lucy and Linus learn that their grandparents were Polish Jews who escaped to Belgium
in the 1930’s and changed their name to Van Pelt from Pelcowitz. Linus reacts with a
bout of insecurity: “A Jew and his blanket are not easily separated.” But Lucy is
delighted, saying, “I always knew I was a princess.”
Lucy’s happiness turns to fury when she hears that she can no longer play baseball on
Saturday. “There must be a loophole!” she screams. “What about an eruv? What about
selling the bases to a gentile?”
The next day Lucy announces, “I have decided to become a rabbi.” “What about 2,000years of tradition?” asks Charlie Brown. “Desperate times require desperate measures,”
she tells him. “When Devorah served as a judge, was she accused of violating 2,000 years
of tradition?” Charlie Brown persists: “Even if you become a rabbi, the RCA will never
let you join.” Lucy screams, “AAUGH!”
So Lucy writes a letter:
“To the R.C.A.
Dear Blockheads:
Yesterday I learned that your policy is
not to accept women as members. Do
you think women today are not
qualified to be Jewish spiritual leaders?
Does it have to do with growing a
beard? Would Charles Darwin have
made a good rabbi? How about Karl
Marx?
Get on the ball!
Sincerely, Lucy van Pelt (Pelcovitz),
F.R. (future rabbi)”
Meanwhile, Snoopy has run off and joined the
Breslovers.
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SHLACH ES AMI STREET
(TV pilot – draft script)
SCENE ONE: KALMEN THE FROG IS SITTING CROSS-LEGGED ON THE
WALL.
KALMEN
Hi-ho, Kalmen the Frog here. Welcome to our neighborhood, where you can
learn all about being Jewish the Torah way. Look, here comes the Count. Can
you teach us some numbers?
COUNT
(thick European accent) I vant to count people for a minyan. Ready? (points at
Kalmen) Not-one. (points at himself) Not-two.
KALMEN
I think we need some more people. Meanwhile, Count, can you tell me what
happens if I multiply eight times five?
COUNT
Vy vould I care?
KALMEN
It’s basic math. Everyone needs to know multiplication.
COUNT
Vat color iz my cape?
KALMENBlack.
COUNT
And vat color iz my yarmulke?
KALMEN
Black.
COUNT
I don’t need to know multiplication.
KALMEN
Vat about, I mean, what about the kids at home?
COUNT
After dey have memorized Shas, dey can learn to multiply.
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KALMEN
I know some people who would disagree with that.
COUNT
Dose people are not velcome in my neighborhood. (Sinister laugh) Ha ha ha ha!
(Exits)
SCENE TWO: A BEDROOM AT NIGHT. LEARNIE AND GEVIRT ARE LYING IN
THEIR BEDS. LEARNIE IS READING A BOOK.
GEVIRT
Learnie, why is the light still on? I’m trying to go to sleep.
LEARNIE
Oh, sorry, Gevirt, old buddy. I’m just reading this book about evolution and I
can’t put it down.
GEVIRT
Evolution? Learnie, you know we’re not supposed to read that stuff.
LEARNIE
But it’s really interesting, Gevirt. It says here the world is more than four billion
years old?
GEVIRT
Learnie, there is no way the world is that old. How can scientists know what
happened four billion years ago? We don’t even know if Bush beat Gore.
Besides, the Torah says the world is only 5,000 and something years old.
LEARNIE
I know, Gevirt, but the scientists have all kinds of evidence that says the earth is
much older.
GEVIRT
Learnie, they don’t really have any “evidence,” just a bunch of theories. I have a
theory too. My theory is that Justin Bieber is an alien life-form with the intellect
of a rutabaga. But I can’t prove it. Now would you please go to sleep?
LEARNIE
Okay, Gevirt, okay. How about those fossils, Gevirt? How about that?
GEVIRT
Learnie, it’s very obvious, Hashem created them to fool the scientists. Scientists
are very gullible. Look how many of them eat Brussels sprouts. Now please turn
the light off!
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LEARNIE
I don’t know, Gevirt. Evolution sure sounds convincing. What do you think,
Gevirt? Don’t you think it sounds convincing?
GEVIRT
Learnie, we’re not supposed to think. Thinking is way too dangerous, you know.
We’re just supposed to follow our Gedolim. Now, come on, let me go to sleep!
LEARNIE
Well, um, Gevirt. What if the Gedolim are wrong, Gevirt? What if they made a
mistake?
GEVIRT
Learnie, you know the Gedolim can’t make a mistake. That’s how we know
they’re Gedolim.
LEARNIE
I know, Gevirt. But what if? You know? What if they made a mistake eventhough they’re Gedolim. It’s possible, Gevirt, isn’t it?
GEVIRT
Learnie, for the last time: if they made a mistake, then they can’t be Gedolim.
You got that?
LEARNIE
I got it, Gevirt. It’s much clearer to me. If they made a mistake, then they’re not
Gedolim. Thank you for explaining it to me. Okay, I finished the book and I’m
turning out the light. G’night, Gevirt.
GEVIRT
Yes, yes. G’night, Learnie. (Lays head on pillow. Thinking to himself) Just a
minute, what did he say? (Signs deeply and picks up the book)
SCENE THREE: KALMEN THE FROG IS SITTING ON THE WALL NEXT TO A
PLATE OF COOKIES.
KALMEN
Hi-ho, Kalmen the Frog here again. Now it’s time for Kugel Monster to teach us
an important halocho! What do you see on this plate, Kugel Monster?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me see cookies.
KALMEN
And how do you feel about cookies?
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KUGEL MONSTER
Me love cookies!
KALMEN
But before you eat a plate of cookies, what do you have to do?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me have to knock down the little children blocking my way to the Kiddush table!
KALMEN
Right. But before you put the cookies in your mouth, what do you have to do?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me make a brocho!
KALMEN
Very good. But even before you make a brocho, what do you have to do?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me give up.
KALMEN
You have to check the Hashgocho.
KUGEL MONSTER
Me knew that. Me forgot.
KALMEN
And why do we check the Hashgocho?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me know that. To make sure it’s kosher!
KALMEN
That is a good reason. But there is another reason to check the hashgocho. Do
you know what it is?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me not sure. Me getting hungry. Having trouble thinking.
KALMEN
The other reason to check the hashgocho is to make sure it was given by the right
kind of rabbi.
KUGEL MONSTER
Me not know that.
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KALMEN
And how do we know if the rabbi is the right kind of rabbi?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me give up.
KALMEN
He needs to dress the same way we do. That’s how we know he is the right kind
of rabbi.
KUGEL MONSTER
Me eat cookies now?
KALMEN
And what if the cookies have a hashgocho from the wrong kind of rabbi?
KUGEL MONSTER
Me eat cookies now?
KALMEN
Not yet. If they don’t have the right kind of hashgocho, we have to give the
cookies to the non-Jewish housekeeper.
KUGEL MONSTER
(Noisily gobbles up cookies) Yum! Yum! Yum! Me say kosher is kosher! (Exits)
KALMEN
Please join us tomorrow when we learn about the letter “B,” which stands for
“bugs,” “broccoli” and “boondoggle.”
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SCENE FOUR: KALMEN THE FROG IS SITTING ON THE WALL NEXT TO A
GOLF BALL AND EGG.
KALMEN
Hi-ho, Kalmen the Frog here today to talk to you about ke-zayis.
ELMO
(Enters) Oooh! Elmo help! Elmo help, Mr. Green Frog! Elmo help! Yaaaay!
KALMEN
Sure, okay, Elmo, I am here to talk about ke-zayis. Can you help me explain what
ke-zayis means?
ELMO
Elmo like to help! Ke-zayis means … like an olive. Elmo has olive right here.
(Puts olive on wall)
KALMEN
No, no, no, no, Elmo. A ke-zayis is actually not the size of an olive.
ELMO
It’s not?
KALMEN
No.
ELMO
Elmo sorry. Elmo thought ke-zayis means an olive.
KALMEN
Well, Elmo, you’re right that “ zayis” means “olive.” And the word “ke-zayis”
means “like an olive.” You’re right about that. But unfortunately the amount of a
ke-zayis is not like the size of an olive.
ELMO
Elmo confused. Mr. Green Frog not making sense to Elmo.
KALMEN
I’m sorry, Elmo. It is a little confusing.
ELMOMr. Green Frog say “ke-zayis” means “like an olive.”
KALMEN
Yes, Elmo, that’s what the word means.
ELMO
But then Mr. Green Frog says it doesn’t mean like an olive.
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KALMEN
You see, Elmo, if you have to eat a “ke-zayis,” then you have to eat much more
than the size of an olive.
ELMO
More than an olive?
KALMEN
Much more.
ELMO
Oh, Green Frog. Elmo not like this.
KALMEN
I’m sorry, Elmo.
ELMO
Ohhhh, Elmo sad. Elmo very sad. Very, very sad. (Starts to sniffle)
KALMEN
Okay, Elmo, don’t cry now. Don’t cry. I will explain. Some rabbis say a “ke-
zayis” is the size of a golf ball. (Holds up a golf ball) Other says it is the size of
an egg. (Holds up an egg)
ELMO
Mr. Green Frog? Elmo think this silly. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
KALMEN
You know what, Elmo? I think so too.
ELMO
(Sings as he exits) Silly, silly, silly! Silly, silly, silly!
KALMEN
Please join us tomorrow when we learn about the letter “ shin,” which stands for
“ shadchan,” “ sheitel,” and “ shtuss.”
Copyright © 2016 by Eli D. ClarkAll Rights Reserved
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