shtar wars and other jewish-pop culture mashups

8/19/2019 Shtar Wars and Other Jewish-Pop Culture Mashups

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Episode DCXIII

Nu? Hope?

Rebel religious courts have builta base of popular support in their

battle against the Chief Rabbinate’sReactionary Empire. Insurgent rabbis

have developed a pre-nuptial agreementwith the halakhic power to eliminate future

agunot forever.

Pursued by Dayyan Vader and his Imperial troops,Princess Leah races away, custodian of the precious

document that can save women throughout the galaxyand give them freedom from recalcitrant husbands ….

Prior to her capture, Princess Leah conceals the document in the memory of a small droid

which is jettisoned to a desert planet. The droid leads its new owner, Fluke Slytalker, to

an old recluse called Ben (whose real name is “Ben”), once a member of the Jews for

Ending Divorce Inequality (“JEDI”). Fluke says he would like to be a JEDI. So Ben

teaches Fluke that the “force of leniency is preferable” ( עד

דה תרא

) and counselsכוחhim, “Use the force, Fluke.”

Ben and Fluke walk into an Imperial Bet Din where one of the judges is interrogating a

woman: “What evidence can you produce that your husband is abusive?” Ben waves his

fingers toward the judge and says, “She does not need to bring any evidence.” The judge

repeats, “You do not need to bring any evidence.” Ben tells the judge, “This is not the

party you need to question.” “You are not the party we need to question.” “She may go.”

“You may go.”

Ben takes Fluke to a cantina, where they team up with an adventurous rabbi named HanSolopatin and his sidekick Chewbracha. “We need someone inclusive,” says Ben, “who

loves all Jews, no questions asked.” Rabbi Han smiles. “I was rabbi to Barack Obama’s

chief of staff. Is that inclusive enough for you?”

In order to save his friends, Ben allows Dayan Vader to kill him, but Ben continues to

speak to Fluke. “Let go,” he says, “trust your instincts.” Following Ben’s advice, Fluke


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launches a Jewish music band called the Bittuls, famed for their number one hit, “ Tav Le-

Meitav Tan Du, You Know I Love You”.

It’s the Fearsome Feminist, Charlie Brown

Lucy and Linus learn that their grandparents were Polish Jews who escaped to Belgium

in the 1930’s and changed their name to Van Pelt from Pelcowitz. Linus reacts with a

bout of insecurity: “A Jew and his blanket are not easily separated.” But Lucy is

delighted, saying, “I always knew I was a princess.”

Lucy’s happiness turns to fury when she hears that she can no longer play baseball on

Saturday. “There must be a loophole!” she screams. “What about an eruv? What about

selling the bases to a gentile?”

The next day Lucy announces, “I have decided to become a rabbi.” “What about 2,000years of tradition?” asks Charlie Brown. “Desperate times require desperate measures,”

she tells him. “When Devorah served as a judge, was she accused of violating 2,000 years

of tradition?” Charlie Brown persists: “Even if you become a rabbi, the RCA will never

let you join.” Lucy screams, “AAUGH!”

So Lucy writes a letter:

“To the R.C.A.

Dear Blockheads:

Yesterday I learned that your policy is

not to accept women as members. Do

you think women today are not

qualified to be Jewish spiritual leaders?

Does it have to do with growing a

beard? Would Charles Darwin have

made a good rabbi? How about Karl

Marx?

Get on the ball!

Sincerely, Lucy van Pelt (Pelcovitz),

F.R. (future rabbi)”

Meanwhile, Snoopy has run off and joined the

Breslovers.


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SHLACH ES AMI STREET

(TV pilot – draft script)

SCENE ONE: KALMEN THE FROG IS SITTING CROSS-LEGGED ON THE

WALL.

KALMEN

Hi-ho, Kalmen the Frog here. Welcome to our neighborhood, where you can

learn all about being Jewish the Torah way. Look, here comes the Count. Can

you teach us some numbers?

COUNT

(thick European accent) I vant to count people for a minyan. Ready? (points at

Kalmen) Not-one. (points at himself) Not-two.

KALMEN

I think we need some more people. Meanwhile, Count, can you tell me what

happens if I multiply eight times five?

COUNT

Vy vould I care?

KALMEN

It’s basic math. Everyone needs to know multiplication.

COUNT

Vat color iz my cape?

KALMENBlack.

COUNT

And vat color iz my yarmulke?

KALMEN

Black.

COUNT

I don’t need to know multiplication.

KALMEN

Vat about, I mean, what about the kids at home?

COUNT

After dey have memorized Shas, dey can learn to multiply.


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KALMEN

I know some people who would disagree with that.

COUNT

Dose people are not velcome in my neighborhood. (Sinister laugh) Ha ha ha ha!

(Exits)

SCENE TWO: A BEDROOM AT NIGHT. LEARNIE AND GEVIRT ARE LYING IN

THEIR BEDS. LEARNIE IS READING A BOOK.

GEVIRT

Learnie, why is the light still on? I’m trying to go to sleep.

LEARNIE

Oh, sorry, Gevirt, old buddy. I’m just reading this book about evolution and I

can’t put it down.

GEVIRT

Evolution? Learnie, you know we’re not supposed to read that stuff.

LEARNIE

But it’s really interesting, Gevirt. It says here the world is more than four billion

years old?

GEVIRT

Learnie, there is no way the world is that old. How can scientists know what

happened four billion years ago? We don’t even know if Bush beat Gore.

Besides, the Torah says the world is only 5,000 and something years old.

LEARNIE

I know, Gevirt, but the scientists have all kinds of evidence that says the earth is

much older.

GEVIRT

Learnie, they don’t really have any “evidence,” just a bunch of theories. I have a

theory too. My theory is that Justin Bieber is an alien life-form with the intellect

of a rutabaga. But I can’t prove it. Now would you please go to sleep?

LEARNIE

Okay, Gevirt, okay. How about those fossils, Gevirt? How about that?

GEVIRT

Learnie, it’s very obvious, Hashem created them to fool the scientists. Scientists

are very gullible. Look how many of them eat Brussels sprouts. Now please turn

the light off!


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LEARNIE

I don’t know, Gevirt. Evolution sure sounds convincing. What do you think,

Gevirt? Don’t you think it sounds convincing?

GEVIRT

Learnie, we’re not supposed to think. Thinking is way too dangerous, you know.

We’re just supposed to follow our Gedolim. Now, come on, let me go to sleep!

LEARNIE

Well, um, Gevirt. What if the Gedolim are wrong, Gevirt? What if they made a

mistake?

GEVIRT

Learnie, you know the Gedolim can’t make a mistake. That’s how we know

they’re Gedolim.

LEARNIE

I know, Gevirt. But what if? You know? What if they made a mistake eventhough they’re Gedolim. It’s possible, Gevirt, isn’t it?

GEVIRT

Learnie, for the last time: if they made a mistake, then they can’t be Gedolim.

You got that?

LEARNIE

I got it, Gevirt. It’s much clearer to me. If they made a mistake, then they’re not

Gedolim. Thank you for explaining it to me. Okay, I finished the book and I’m

turning out the light. G’night, Gevirt.

GEVIRT

Yes, yes. G’night, Learnie. (Lays head on pillow. Thinking to himself) Just a

minute, what did he say? (Signs deeply and picks up the book)

SCENE THREE: KALMEN THE FROG IS SITTING ON THE WALL NEXT TO A

PLATE OF COOKIES.

KALMEN

Hi-ho, Kalmen the Frog here again. Now it’s time for Kugel Monster to teach us

an important halocho! What do you see on this plate, Kugel Monster?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me see cookies.

KALMEN

And how do you feel about cookies?


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KUGEL MONSTER

Me love cookies!

KALMEN

But before you eat a plate of cookies, what do you have to do?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me have to knock down the little children blocking my way to the Kiddush table!

KALMEN

Right. But before you put the cookies in your mouth, what do you have to do?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me make a brocho!

KALMEN

Very good. But even before you make a brocho, what do you have to do?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me give up.

KALMEN

You have to check the Hashgocho.

KUGEL MONSTER

Me knew that. Me forgot.

KALMEN

And why do we check the Hashgocho?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me know that. To make sure it’s kosher!

KALMEN

That is a good reason. But there is another reason to check the hashgocho. Do

you know what it is?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me not sure. Me getting hungry. Having trouble thinking.

KALMEN

The other reason to check the hashgocho is to make sure it was given by the right

kind of rabbi.

KUGEL MONSTER

Me not know that.


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KALMEN

And how do we know if the rabbi is the right kind of rabbi?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me give up.

KALMEN

He needs to dress the same way we do. That’s how we know he is the right kind

of rabbi.

KUGEL MONSTER

Me eat cookies now?

KALMEN

And what if the cookies have a hashgocho from the wrong kind of rabbi?

KUGEL MONSTER

Me eat cookies now?

KALMEN

Not yet. If they don’t have the right kind of hashgocho, we have to give the

cookies to the non-Jewish housekeeper.

KUGEL MONSTER

(Noisily gobbles up cookies) Yum! Yum! Yum! Me say kosher is kosher! (Exits)

KALMEN

Please join us tomorrow when we learn about the letter “B,” which stands for

“bugs,” “broccoli” and “boondoggle.”


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SCENE FOUR: KALMEN THE FROG IS SITTING ON THE WALL NEXT TO A

GOLF BALL AND EGG.

KALMEN

Hi-ho, Kalmen the Frog here today to talk to you about ke-zayis.

ELMO

(Enters) Oooh! Elmo help! Elmo help, Mr. Green Frog! Elmo help! Yaaaay!

KALMEN

Sure, okay, Elmo, I am here to talk about ke-zayis. Can you help me explain what

ke-zayis means?

ELMO

Elmo like to help! Ke-zayis means … like an olive. Elmo has olive right here.

(Puts olive on wall)

KALMEN

No, no, no, no, Elmo. A ke-zayis is actually not the size of an olive.

ELMO

It’s not?

KALMEN

No.

ELMO

Elmo sorry. Elmo thought ke-zayis means an olive.

KALMEN

Well, Elmo, you’re right that “ zayis” means “olive.” And the word “ke-zayis”

means “like an olive.” You’re right about that. But unfortunately the amount of a

ke-zayis is not like the size of an olive.

ELMO

Elmo confused. Mr. Green Frog not making sense to Elmo.

KALMEN

I’m sorry, Elmo. It is a little confusing.

ELMOMr. Green Frog say “ke-zayis” means “like an olive.”

KALMEN

Yes, Elmo, that’s what the word means.

ELMO

But then Mr. Green Frog says it doesn’t mean like an olive.


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KALMEN

You see, Elmo, if you have to eat a “ke-zayis,” then you have to eat much more

than the size of an olive.

ELMO

More than an olive?

KALMEN

Much more.

ELMO

Oh, Green Frog. Elmo not like this.

KALMEN

I’m sorry, Elmo.

ELMO

Ohhhh, Elmo sad. Elmo very sad. Very, very sad. (Starts to sniffle)

KALMEN

Okay, Elmo, don’t cry now. Don’t cry. I will explain. Some rabbis say a “ke-

zayis” is the size of a golf ball. (Holds up a golf ball) Other says it is the size of

an egg. (Holds up an egg)

ELMO

Mr. Green Frog? Elmo think this silly. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

KALMEN

You know what, Elmo? I think so too.

ELMO

(Sings as he exits) Silly, silly, silly! Silly, silly, silly!

KALMEN

Please join us tomorrow when we learn about the letter “ shin,” which stands for

“ shadchan,” “ sheitel,” and “ shtuss.”

Copyright © 2016 by Eli D. ClarkAll Rights Reserved

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