self confidence to do be-get

Here's the outline of 28 Oct 14 Lesson Call about Self-

Confidence and Self-Worth.

REVIEW: How many legs are on the stool of Self-Esteem?

Answer = Three: Self-Confidence, Self-Respect, and

Self-Worth.

Self-Confidence comes from knowing you are competent.

Self-Respect comes from knowing you are trustworthy,

to others and to yourself.

Self-Worth comes from feeling deserving of good things and

lovable just as you are.

QUESTION: Can you feel self-confident when you are NOT

competent?

ANSWER: Yes, but you shouldn't.

We Americans tend to think being optimistic about what

you can do is a Very Good Thing.

But it's more rational to be realistic about what you don't

yet know how to do.

And being realistic and rational leads to saying, "I might eventually be able to."

That doesn't sound like optimism, but when you consider practical limits...

It's more realistic to acknowledge that some things

are hard to learn how to do.

And it's rational to acknowledge that some obstacles are tough to

overcome.

And it's smart to see that the ecology of your life might

prioritize other goals.

So, even though it feels almost unpatriotic to say it, the most

realistic view is:

Self-Confidence makes sense only after you have a track

record of learning to mastery.

When you take on a new challenge, you have three steps that are essential:

1) Learn new concepts 2) Practice new skills 3) Achieve

mastery of tasks

You're not competent just because you have gained knowledge or memorized

facts.

You're closer when you have gained knowledge AND

practiced new skills.

But you aren't really competent until you have

practiced those new skills long enough --

That you have passed a test, achieved a goal, or mastered

some task that matters.

Once you can say with pride, "I know how to do that, because

I have done it well, before!"

Then you are truly competent, and your Self-Confidence is

justified.

And that confidence is not easily shaken, because you

have a track record of mastery.

You can point to a certificate on the wall, a trophy on the shelf, or a birdhouse built.

Self-Confidence based on competence is no brag, just

fact.

QUESTION: Shouldn't parents try to build their children's Self-Confidence early on,

by saying things like "You can do anything you set your mind

to!" or ...

"The sky is the limit for someone like you. If you can dream it, you can achieve it!"

ANSWER: Only if it's good to teach your children to really

believe in Santa Claus.

We Americans love the sentiment of "You can do

anything you set your mind to," and

We have lots of examples of ordinary people who learned

to do extraordinary things.

But it isn't factually true that anyone can do anything they

can dream of doing.

And it isn't even factually true that anyone can do anything if

they work hard enough.

And it is probably true that some things are so hard for

you to learn, you won't.

And even if you learn the facts, you might not have time or

talent to learn the skills.

And even if you learn facts and practice skills, you might not

be able to pass tests.

And some tasks are herculean, even if you could learn how,

practice skills, and

master the basics: eg. "I want to read every book written by

an American!"

The parenting instinct to empower our children to think

positively feels right.

And is right if we help them recognize how real power to

do things is gained:

By learning things, practicing skills, and getting good enough

to do stuff well.

When we teach our kids that learning new things is fun, we

help empower them.

When we help our kids practice skills so they get

better, we empower them.

And when they practice enough to master something,

they own their power.

Instead of giving them a falsely optimistic version of reality

that sounds good,

We can give them a reality-based process that actually

helps them be good.

Step 1: "You can learn lots of new things; you already have!"

Step 2: "It's hard now, but as you practice it gets easier and

you get better."

Step 3: "When you practice well, your skills grow till you

can master tasks."

This process grows Self-Confidence, because it grows

competence.

And what does it have to do with Self-Worth?

It's hard to feel deserving of good things unless you have

earned some of them.

In America, our culture tends mostly to reward people who

can do things well.

(There are exceptions. Good teachers aren't well paid, but

the Kardashians...)

And we label folks who think they deserve good things

unearned as 'spoiled.'

Maslow labeled the third level of his heirarchy of needs "Self-

Esteem."

And his definition fits ours of both Self-Respect and Self-

Confidence.

(We'll be looking at Self-Respect in more detail next

week.)

It's American to believe if you are able, you should earn your

keep.

And if you can add great value to others, you should earn

more than enough.

From the inside, we tend to believe we deserve good things if we earn them.

Competence that leads to rewards builds Self-Confidence

and Self-Worth.

Would you agree with Maslow that we i>need</i> to be competent at something?

Or with Freud that love is one hand but work the other of

healthy selfhood?

Even mostly dysfunctional parents tend to give praise to

kids who DO well,

Though they are stingy with approval for kids who deserve

their BEing affirmed.

Not only our children deserve to know how the three steps

to competence.

Our inner-child can benefit from that knowledge too.

What kind of affirmations or empowering beliefs can you

install that:

a) Excite you about learning new things?

b) Encourage your practicing new skills as you gain

proficiency?

c) Endorse your setting challenging goals that stretch

you to mastery?

These would be affirmations that install beliefs that work as

you work:

"I can learn new things I've never known before, think

what I never thought."

"I can improve by practice what I am not skilled at yet,

until I do know how."

"I can keep working till I reach my goals, pass my tests, stretch to get success."

Instead of trying to get myself to believe what is not yet true,

hopeful lies:

"I am bright, smart, brilliant, and a genius, regardless of

how little I know."

"I am capable, competent, able, proficient, though I never

rode a bike before."

"I am masterful and skilled, accomplished and admired,

without having tried."

These are crazy affirmations, perfect invitations for the

snarky self to sneer at.

What we need are affirmations that are true now, that also

affirm a future reality.

Affirmations that can't be sneered at by the snarky self,

but are also true now.

Next week's tool is another kind of affirmation, the kind

that grows competence.

Affirmations that avoid the snarky self discounting because they are true.

And also empowering a future that is not yet here, affirming

as real what will be.

These affirmations are of the DO - BE - GET format. And

they are good for kids.

Our offspring and our younger-selves. We create them in

reverse order.

So you can be thinking ahead, if your younger-self is wanting

to feel capable.

Imagine what it is that your younger-you wants to GET?

What goal? Outcome?

And imagine how you would have to BE or BECOME to

achieve that.

Then imagine what you would have to DO to become that

kind of person.

More to follow. More to grow.